The Simpsons s33e01 Episode Script

The Star of the Backstage

1 Mmm.
When I die, we should totally get this sandwich place for my memorial.
So good.
Can't wait.
Oh, all these people loved Mr.
His students are taking it so hard.
Yeah, nobody grieves like theater kids.
(WAILING) (MARGE GASPS) This is my show! Why are they singing about computers? It was a musical about Y2K, which was very scary back then.
Scarier than anything we have now.
The whole show takes place on New Year's Eve, - 1999 - Five, four, three Two, zero, zero, zero A midnight countdown to Y2K Five, four, three, two, will I be a zero? When tomorrow becomes today.
Mom, which one are you? I was right over here.
In the wings, calling all the shots as the stage manager.
Chase, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Say, look what I found when I was cleaning out - Franklin's office.
- (GASPS) My prompt book.
This binder lists all the cues for the entire production.
Oh, Franklin always said you were the heart of the show that your stage managing was so zealous.
I definitely ran a tight ship.
But in a fun way everyone loved, obviously.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
- Super fun.
Of course, I would have loved to have been in the show, except I'm not much of a singer.
But in my imagination, I've got the voice of a Disney princess.
Oh What a special time.
I'd give anything to feel that magic again.
(DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE): Script notes and sound cues Take me there again In my blacks in the backs of the wings So I'm not seen No one knows the magic That hides behind the scenes (REGULAR VOICE): It's me! The cast said yes! We're putting on a musical! (DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE): Places, everybody It's time to start the show That's what actors need me to say Otherwise, they wouldn't know where to go Cinch up the hemlines Sound check all the mics Close the door, ring the bell And bring down the house lights It's curtains up for Marge Bouvier 'Cause I'm once again the star Of the backstage Wow, you're the director? (REGULAR VOICE): No, more important the stage manager.
- Ah! - Five minutes, guys! - Thank you, five.
- Five minutes.
I always used to love saying that, before (DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE): The endless loads of laundry The dishes piled high The whining and complaining - It's mine - It's mine - BOTH: It's mine - (REGULAR VOICE): Enough! (DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE): I'm returning to my theater family A revival of our fondest memories - Singin' - Do - Re - Mi - This Show - Will be The talk of the town A hit, a smash, the rage And there's nothing Springfield needs more Than a play (REGULAR VOICE): Good! (DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE): 'Cause I'm once again the Appreciated, well-respected, never, ever disconnected Nothing but the most impressive Everybody's dearest friended Star Of the backstage She's the star, see how she shines She answers when we call for lines Places, everybody! Wow, honey, those dorks are so excited to be in your show again.
And I will do everything I can to support you while I'm at Moe's.
Sorry, Marge, but I got to drop out of the show.
I broke my hip while singing and dancing about feeling young again.
Say, Dad, what if you filled in for Lenny and joined Mom's musical? Yeah, then you'd be the most supportive husband ever.
Great idea, kids.
I'm all in, babe! One pair of super tight dance pants, please! (LAUGHING) From this day forward, we are enemies.
Forever and ever.
MARGE: Okay, back on stage it's just like we're teenagers again.
Now let's start the rehearsal.
Theater! Wait, we can't start without Sasha Reed.
- She was the star of the show.
- Mm-hmm.
She got into Julliard.
(SIGHS) Sasha.
(CHUCKLES) You never forget your first diva.
I'd love to know what she's been up to.
Well, as your dutiful stage manager, I did reach out repeatedly, but never heard back.
I guess we'll never know what happened after Sasha left little old Springfield for New York City.
WOMAN: Never say never! Hello, old friends! Ah! It's Sasha! Let me tell you all about it.
It was a cold and rainy morning When I exited the bus I stepped into the city Everyone in such a rush I suppose I started singing Just to keep the chill at bay I guess I sounded something like This And that's when I heard a man say "That tone, that pitch "Your voice'll make us rich Stick with me, and you'll be destined to impress" And that's how Sasha became A massive success Yes, Sasha Is a massive success (EXCLAIMING) Now I dine on the veranda With Lin-Manuel Miranda Scrape meat off the bone with Patti LuPone Don't mention Glenn Close I eat Bananas Foster With my good friend Sutton Foster Thanks to Stephen Sondheim, who's the most gracious host Yes, I'm everything you thought I'd be When I left Springfield for the big city I've made it, I'm a cut above the rest 'Cause Sasha has returned A massive Success That's right I'm a Broadway Star! Oh, I can't believe Sasha came back.
What a career! I know a famous person that knows what's his name, who is she, and never heard of him! Okay, okay, everybody.
It's so exciting that Sasha is a massive success, but we really need to walk through our blocking.
Let's make it precise, gang! Blocking, so important.
That's what Hal always told me.
Hal Prince.
Boom! Named it! But before we get into the technical stuff, we need to reconnect as an ensemblé.
Let's all go to my lake house and do trust falls.
But we have to carve out some time to run lines.
(CHUCKLES) Marge Bouvier, you have not changed a bit.
Okay, Mom, we'll run lines, but don't wait up for us.
Us? What do you mean? This bonding session is for the cast.
You understand, right? Oh.
Of course.
Come on, friends! (LAUGHS) I was wrong.
Theater kids are super cool.
Thanks for the hookup, honey.
How will I stay alive? When all The computers think I died? - How will I - How will I Stay alive When all the clocks and the computers Think I died? Okay, the curtain-raiser went a smidge long, so stay on your marks next time.
- Take five! - Thank you, five.
Anyway, I hope you all remember the best part of rehearsal is brownies! Are those Margie's Brownies with walnuts and M&Ms? It's true, I do matter.
Look what else I'm included in.
It's all from our shows.
We were such a tight-knit group.
Remember the tightness of the knitting? (INHALES) There's my old guitar pick.
Oh, I haven't played guitar since I lost this! Still works! Oh, man, this takes me back Remember, guys? Bonfires at Billy's We'd talk about our dreams We'd get drunk and make out, ha Cause a scene Remind me who Billy was again? You know Billy.
Late nights at the diner We'd laugh and we'd cry Right.
The diner.
Smoking clove cigarettes Ruthie serving us cheese fries Is that why you guys always smelled like burnt cinnamon? Climbing the water tower Drunk on whiskey sours Stealing the Lard Lad sign - That was you guys? - Yeah.
Remember the times The best times Of our lives We had nothing but times Remember the times Okay, I might've missed some of those specific moments, but I'm sure I'll remember all the other ones.
What else? The kegger at Marge's What an epic night Wait, there was a party at my house? Where was I? She was at a tech run-through Nowhere in sight Guys, that's like, pretty messed up.
Oh, yeah I was at that super killer party, too You weren't even in the show.
Yeah, but I was cool (GRUNTS) Lenny fell off the roof - What? - Marge's parents got sued And had to file for bankruptcy Is that why I couldn't go away to college? Remember the time When Jackie died Wait, I thought Jackie moved.
- No one saw the signs - (GASPS) Together we cried And then we made it about ourselves When the reporter came - What?! - He worked for The Times Which one? The New York Times Such timey times How'd I miss all of this? We were all together.
Except me.
(DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE): Script notes and sound cues - They never saw me as a friend - In my blacks in the backs of the wings - I was unseen - - So much for the magic - - No one wants old Marjorie.
- - - (SOBBING) (REGULAR VOICE): I was unpopular and never knew! All my best memories are ruined.
I wish I had never done this stupid musical again.
As soon as Sasha showed up, it was like I didn't exist.
I never liked that Sasha Reed.
Taking pop out of the fridge without asking getting us sued Of course! It's all Sasha's fault.
Someone ought to teach that Broadway big shot a lesson.
Mom, do you still have a computer? (DIAL-UP MODEM WHINING) Last night I made some very interesting discoveries, requiring the printing of a revised playbill.
(CLEARS THROAT) (DISNEY PRINCESS VOICE): I'll refer you to page three To an updated biography Of which you must see Certain to change your view Of the beloved ingenue Sasha! Poof The truth She's never been in a Broadway musical or play? She was never in Pippin, Show Boat, or Cabaret? She didn't sign autographs at a stage door-a? She worked at the Herald Square Sephora? Lost hope, gave up and moved the day She didn't get a callback for Hairspray She's a fraudway baby A phony, a fake She ain't got what it takes She's a fraudway baby She doesn't know Sutton Foster This broad's an imposter She's had you wrapped around her finger For days But she's nothing but a hair-extentioned Makeup-slinging, Botox-forehead Lying, cheating Baby fraudway So you don't know the people you said you knew but who are they? Marge Bouvier, you're mean! (SOBBING) Well, I'm sure you're all as angry at Sasha as I am, but now we can wipe the slate clean and really come together as a theater family.
Without Sasha, there's no show.
You ruined everything, you techie! But, w-w-wait.
She made it all up.
She's a liar! I think this is the kind of thing that makes people not want to invite you to stuff.
(GROWLS) Stupid, ungrateful cast.
Did you sleep at all last night? "We don't care that Sasha's a liar.
" "We still love her more than you.
" Mo-om! Bart replaced my Kashi cereal with woodchips from the hamster cage! So? You didn't notice till I told you.
- (GROWLS) - (YELPS) - What's wrong with Mom? - Well, kids, your mother has severely pissed off all the theater weirdos of which I am now one but she can't see it's her fault.
So are you gonna tell her? Indeed I am, and there's only one way to do it.
When your partner's in a tizzy Flossing till she's dizzy Clearly in the wrong, but certain she's right It's your responsibility To imply her culpability In a way that doesn't instigate a fight - (GRUMBLES) - Whoops.
Don't escalate the situation Or add further complication Mince your words, so as never to encroach Deliver your advice But make sure to do it nice For it's best to use a delicate approach Marge, darling Leave me alone! Marge, listen! I'm being delicate! Oh, are you? Now, I know you may think you were just in your actions But it makes my heart sink to see your infractions Your feelings were hurt, but it's malice you blurt Your transaction compels a retraction Oh, you're right, Homie.
It's all my fault.
I did the one thing a stage manager must never do: I put myself before the show.
You see, kids? It's best to use a delicate Approach.
(TOILET FLUSHES) I have to make things right.
You need to let me see the cast-only text chain.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's really not cool for me to share it.
Plus, you wouldn't get any of the jokes.
You might want to skip over the stuff with your name in it.
Sasha hasn't left town.
There's still time.
(SNIFFLES) Why would Marge do that to me? I was never mean to her.
I never even talked to her! Yeah, we don't care that you only sell makeup and that you're a huge liar.
I miss high school.
Remember the night of the cast party? You and me in the hot tub? That night really happened? I thought I imagined it.
It was real.
And I've never had better.
(GRUNTS) Ah Sasha! Sasha, I'm so sorry.
Once my husband sang and danced to me about what I did, I felt terrible.
I acted like such a crazy teenager.
All I wanted to do was recapture my glory days, when I could've become anything instead of what I really am, a floor manager at Sephora.
(SIGHS) Sales associate.
I guess we both wanted to be stars again.
There she is.
Probably called us here to expose the lies the rest of us put in our playbill bios.
What lies? I am "thrilled to reprise my role as Steve/Ensemble.
" I was supposed to manage the stage, but instead I just managed to screw everything up.
But there's still time to put on the best show of the latter part of our lives.
What do you say? Should we give it a try? Oh, why should we? What has trying ever gotten anyone? I could've been a crooner Star of stage and screen But I'd just as sooner Drink away my dream - Never try.
- SASHA: Stop! That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Barney, nobody needs to do this show more than you.
Except me! - (CHEERING) - Yay! It's a full house, so Places, everybody.
Marge, when I'm onstage and it's not my turn to talk, - can I look at my phone? - No.
It's almost midnight.
What's going to happen? Oops.
Five, four Three, two, one! - (CHEERING) - So the show just ends? What a cop-out! At least at the end of Rent you get to see Mimi come back to life.
This is just lazy.
- - (CHEERING) Marge, thanks for reminding me how good it feels to be a big fish in a small pond.
I guess that's why you never left.
Actually, I think it was because my parents couldn't afford college after a lawsuit from a party you threw at my house but didn't invite me to.
Such timey times.
(SIGHS) Oh, my God, it's really her.
It's Marge Bouvier.
Just ask her.
Um, would you sign my prompt bible? We copied yours.
You know me? You're a stage-managing icon! Would you go to the diner with us? We'd die to hear some of your stories.
Invited to the diner.
I'm getting cheese fries! Cast party at Marge's house! - (SASHA LAUGHS) - BARNEY: All right! KIRK: Theater! Y2K CAST: Five, four, three, two, zero, zero, zero A new millennium But who will I be? Five, four, three, two Way too many zeros What will the computers Do to me? Will there be blackouts? Chaos? Motherboards exploding? Glitches and crashes? A run on the banks? Will I have a mortgage? A family? A boy and a girl? What happens to a two-digit soul In a four-digit world? Shh!
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