The Simpsons s33e04 Episode Script

The Wayz We Were

Don't rot your brain on Satan's calculator.
Babies need real toys like these.
- It's Princess Maggie.
Princess Maggie's here.
Princess Maggie, what's wrong? The girl is bored.
Royal court, entertain my daughter at once.
No princess can frown when her eardrums are pulsing with the beat of iambic pentameter.
That's quite a frown.
Out of my way! I've got no shame or regard for my own well-being.
Hey, hey! [KRUSTY GROANS.]
You fools have failed the princess.
We have no other option.
We must give her - the special gift.
- [ROARS.]
Goodbye, Princess Maggie.
¡Ay, caramba! MARGE: Oh, boy.
Homer, your father's messing up the baby again.
Way ahead of you, pal.
Where did all this traffic come from? It's like my favorite movie ever, Cars 3.
I hated Cars 1 and 2.
I'm unsupervised.
Have no fear.
Safety is here.
Traffic, no traffic what's the difference? I got nothing to be late for and no one who cares.
Let's take this from Disney+ to HBO Max.
HOMER: Oh, Marge, you haven't honked like this since high school.
It's a traffic jam.
My, my, look at all those middle fingers raised to the Lord.
Wait a minute.
That car looks familiar.
Hey, that looks like [GASPS.]
No, don't go there, Moe.
Don't go there.
Erase, erase, erase! [TIRES SQUEALING.]
Oh, come on.
We put up a sign and everything.
This is so unreal.
Why did all this traffic suddenly appear on our street? Wayz told me this was the fastest route.
That's important when you're selling your organs.
Oh, my God, I've heard of this.
That app routes traffic through a quiet residential neighborhood, turning it into a gridlocked nightmare.
Damn this traffic jam How I hate to be late, it hurts my motor Sorry, I met someone in another car.
- Time I get home, my supper will be cold Damn this traffic jam Well, I left my job about five o'clock - It took 15 minutes to go three blocks - - - We need to do something.
This is driving the neighborhood nuts.
Even the guy who's always in his underwear.
This is more than I put on for Zoom.
Enough with the traffic.
I'm calling a neighborhood meeting.
TOWN CRIER: Neighborhood Meeting.
Neighborhood meeting.
Please rate my app.
Please rate my app.
Two stars? My IPO is ruined.
Ruined! Ruined! [HORNS HONKING.]
We're here to talk about the terrible problem on our street.
- Finally.
- About time.
We assume you're talking about you, the Simpsons.
BOTH: Wha? I've seen the boy's moons more times than I've seen the real one, and I'm an astronomer.
What's wrong with us? You haven't stopped by to say hello in 25 years, and I live next door.
The only good one's the baby, and she shot a guy.
Wait, are we ignoring the elephant in the room? By which I mean the big, fat husband.
Every time Homer wears corduroys, I just hear those thighs scraping, scraping, scraping.
Oh, my God.
I'm starting to get the idea you think we're not good neighbors.
You see? You see? Now, don't worry, my friends.
I'm stepping forward to fix this traffic.
And by doing so, maybe just maybe I'll fix my reputation with you all.
So just say to me what I say to Tinker Bell: "I believe.
" And off I go.
Um no.
"Identify all traffic lights.
" Done.
"Identify all yield signs.
" Done.
"Identify all the crosswalks.
" Oh! Lisa, help me.
"Identify all fire hydrants.
" Done.
Jesuits? Done.
20th-century dictators? Uh, overrated fiction? [GROANS.]
Hyperintelligent cartoon characters? Vegan nut milks? Future criminals? Aah! New England doorways! Oh, forget this.
I'm calling instead.
AUTOMATED VOICE: You've reached Wayz customer service.
You have 5,700 callers ahead of you.
Now, please enjoy the frustrated noises of other callers on hold.
WOMAN: I'm gonna blow my brains out.
- You again? [HORN HONKING.]
Can it be her, after all these years? The woman I thought was the one stuck behind my car? ["THE WAY WE WERE" BY BARBRA STREISAND PLAYING.]
Mmm, mmm Mmm-mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm-mmm Hi, Moe.
I missed you.
I never should've left.
The longest, best relationship of my life.
That was a great six days.
You're a good kisser.
: Yeah.
I practice by siphoning gas out of other people's tanks.
So, is there a knob or an "open sesame" type deal or what? My house is over there.
MOE: Wha? Every day since you left me, I've written you a letter.
Really wish I had gotten your address.
So, how you been, Maya? Well, I finally got my PhD.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
You taking medicine for that or what? [LAUGHS.]
: Oh, Moe.
It's nice to laugh again.
How are you? Oh, I-I'm doing great.
Yeah, the factory closed, so there's lots of new drunks.
And, uh, oh, the bathroom possum is getting real good at handing out them combs.
Who am I kidding? My life is a wreck, Maya.
The face recognition software on my phone says, "Yuck.
" My playlist only has breakup songs.
: It's rough, I'm telling you, yeah.
I miss you, Moses Marie Szyslak.
Oh, no, no, no.
Please don't give me that look.
I can't go through it again, Maya.
I can't.
Ah, just look at you walking toward me, coming closer, with those big green eyes of yours and the great-smelling hair, skin smoother than American cheese.
But I want a drink now.
Oh, I wish this moment could last forever, like, uh uh, I don't know, uh, Henry Winkler's career.
Boy, that guy never jumped the shark.
Not even when he jumped the shark.
Just so I know, have you had another girlfriend since me? Uh, not really, no.
Uh, no one could match you.
I mean, I have been catfished a few times.
Hey, Moe.
: It's us, "Online Gloria.
" I'll kill you! Also, I love you.
Oh, Moe, you poor guy.
MOE: Oh, everything is perfect.
Which it always is until I say, "I love you.
" I love you.
: I love you.
Will you marry me? - [BUZZER BLARES.]
- To hell with women.
I love you, New York.
Help me.
Spider-Man! [SIGHS.]
Professor, can you get the traffic off our street? I'll give you anything except for money or credit for what you did.
The only way to defeat a global data behemoth is to get into the source code.
Just look what I did here on, uh on the Wikipedia.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Wayz.
We figure out the fastest route to get you where you want to go.
Our secret? Always collecting data.
But we would never misuse it.
: Who do you think we are, Google? Disclaimer: We're owned by Google.
I've got the answer.
What if we made your street [MUTTERS GIBBERISH.]
not exist? Well, where would we live? [CHUCKLES.]
: Well, that's quite silly.
It would, of course, still exist in real life, but I could make it disappear from the database.
- All right, let us see here.
Uh, keystrokes, keystrokes, escape key, both colon and semicolon, backslash, backslash, ampersand we come to a new day on "no such street.
Never again will we be afraid of cars.
MAN: Get thee out of my way, English! It's time to play in the streets! Haw-haw! [WHIMPERS.]
Climate change is real.
They know I did this.
They're making eye contact with me.
Eye contact.
Even the guy with the boat in his driveway.
Hey, hey, Homer, want to come on my boat with me? - In the water? - Eh, we'll see.
Uh, one step at a time.
I will never get tired of this.
Never, ever.
So, what do you feel like doing? I don't know, I I feel like singing.
You're bringing me sunshine Moe It's like vodka with fresh lime Let it flow I'm having a fun time Whoa Serving up red wine Pinot I drink more than I should Don't it, don't it, don't it, don't it Don't it, don't it feel good.
Hey, are you guys an item again? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, maybe, maybe.
We definitely are.
He has a toothbrush at my place.
Yeah, but, yeah, it's a rental.
Moe's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
And this time, it's gonna last.
Way to go, Moe.
Three cheers.
ALL: Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip Homer, come in the alley with me.
My doctor warned me not to cut off a "hip, hip, hooray.
Look, Maya left me once.
I just know she's gonna leave me again.
This-this is a disaster.
You're the only guy here who knows how to hold on to a woman.
What is your secret? How do you keep Midge? Well, it's, uh it's, um Hmm.
It helps if you get them pregnant.
Please, I need some actual, real advice here.
Yeah, I better call Midge.
Honey, I'm here in the alley with Moe.
The only woman who ever loved him came back, and he's afraid she's gonna leave him again.
What should he do? Hand him the phone.
Moe, trust love.
Your wife's an idiot.
Another tray of doughnuts.
This time from that family over there.
Geez, I can't take all this adulation.
This must be what drove Randy Quaid crazy.
Simpson, will you throw out the first pitch at my Little League game? Want to have coffee on my boat in the parking lot? Do you ever take it in the water? Not yet.
Please, I'm just here to eat.
Geez, you were mad they didn't like you, and now you're mad they like you.
I just want to be left alone with my to-do list.
Excuse me.
Will you be godfather to my baby? Let me see it.
Okay, Moe.
I'll be back in 20 minutes.
I'm just getting some stuff for dinner.
- Love you.
- Mwah.
Love you, too.
MOE: Moe.
Oh, Moe.
Huh? Look at you.
Look at us.
She's not gonna come back.
- They never come back.
- Oh, yeah? Well, this time, I'm not gonna listen to mirrors or mud puddles or my upside-down face in a spoon.
This time, I'm gonna believe.
Oh, no, you're not.
No one could love you.
Stop it, stop it, stop it! What does it take to get a beer around here? BOTH MOES: Shut up! Shut up? I would stop coming here if you weren't the only place in stumbling distance.
You are not real.
You're just that nagging voice of self-doubt that lives in my head.
That's right.
Easy in, easy out.
Well, this time, I'm gonna stop you before you wreck my life.
Now you're a loser with seven years bad luck.
No one likes you You're the worst We'd all be happy if your head just burst The world could not hate you more You lousy, oozing canker sore [LAUGHING.]
: I guess what we're trying to say is You'll die alone.
You're right.
You beautiful bastards are right.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ah, yeah.
Huh? What the? Moe? You're hiding here? Yeah.
Bart's treehouse is the one place no one will look for me.
Plus, there are no girls allowed, which, uh, helps.
Moe's going through a tough time, son.
Just play around him.
We'll just pretend he's a dead, rotting alien.
Thank you, son.
The alien's alive! - And it has feelings.
I'm sorry, no breakfast until you get Moe out of the treehouse.
And I'll keep your bacon safe while you're gone.
Thank God I have my pocket bacon.
Moe, you can't stay here anymore.
Sure, I can.
Uh, you want some eggs with that? I got 'em out of that nest over there.
Just one.
I don't want to be rude.
Listen, Moe, every once in a while, a beautiful woman falls in love with a homely guy like us.
You got to make the most of it.
If Kevin James can find happiness, why can't you? [LAUGHS.]
: And he was always wearing shorts.
You know, after all these years, I dated all these women, and it always just goes back to square one.
Lonely old Moe.
Well, there is a way around that.
You could propose.
Wha? What are you proposing I propose? I mean the big "M.
" - Murder-suicide? - No.
- Marriage.
: Marriage? Whoa.
You mean I could have the thing you're always coming into my bar and moaning about? You know what? She's worth it.
I'll give it a shot.
This is as far as we go.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Let me just straighten myself up.
You'd better speak fast, or for the second time, you're gonna lose the first good thing that's ever happened to you.
I'm so sorry.
You're great, so great, and all I've been is afraid.
But all I got to do is look in your eyes.
Baby, I love you so much.
You stick with me, you'll get everything you ever wanted.
I will never doubt you again.
You can control the remote.
You can pick all our vacations.
And because I know the ladies like it this way, I will leave the toilet seat on.
Maya, will you marry me? Forget it, loser.
Gorillas like us don't get the girl.
We're lucky if our cage gets hosed down once a week.
I knew it! That's it.
I'm never getting up again.
Staying here, on the ground.
Wait, you-you said yes.
Yes, Moe.
Memories Light the corners of my mind Misty, watercolored Memories Of the way we were.
Good song, but, uh, the movie is crap.
What is it, Mosie? Oh, it's just, uh I ain't never been able to use this until now.
- [SOBS.]
- Aw.
Here you go, my good man.
Eh, this expired-a ten years ago.
Ah, damn it! LISA: "Identify all the existentialists.
" Celebrity chefs.
Very soft minerals.
Bebop jazz musicians.
Yes! Tropical birds.
Chess grand masters? Stone fruits? American Revolutionary battles? Nail shank diameters? Aah! And I'm in.
MARGE: Lisa, time for bed.
LISA: Oh, man.
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