The Simpsons s34e12 Episode Script

My Life as a Vlog

Hmm. Hmm.
- Hmm!
Hey, guys.
It's your favorite
YouTube family vloggers:
the Simpsons.
Coinstar bought us a new house,
and we're gonna give you the grand tour.
Come on in. Take your shoes off first.
All 50 million of you.
Now, we can't tell you where
the new house is located
because we value our privacy.
Which you know if you watched
our last family therapy sesh
where Marge begged me to stop
filming our therapy seshes.
Video link in bio.
This is my favorite room
because the kitchen is
really the heart of a home.
Also, because a robot cleans it.
And check it out.
The refrigerator blends into the wall.
No more tedious seeing your
refrigerator all the time.
Come on, we want to show you
our favorite room.
This is our screening room.
It's also where we
shoot our confessionals.
It's cool that Dad doesn't have
to work nine to five anymore.
We just have to post 15 videos a day.
After homeschooling,
we're free to do fun kid stuff.
Zoom calls with our fan club in Dubai,
giving Lamborghinis to the homeless.
Sometimes I just chill in my room,
recording Cameo messages
until my voice gives out.
or "Hey, guys" in Dothraki.
Today I'm doing a deep-dive
on the Internet's current obsession,
The Simpsons Family Channel. Camera 2.
In case you've been living in a
tauntaun these past four months,
here's the video that started it all:
"Cute Baby Gets Stage Fright."
Let's take a look.
I have a duckie tail ♪
And a little duckie head ♪
I quack around the park ♪
And I eat the old man's bread ♪
Maggie, remember what we practiced.
Poke Daddy's tummy and kill the ants.
Honk, stomp, quack ♪
Shake your diaper,
touch the starfish,
open your sandwich,
and Mick Jagger, Jagger, Jagger.
No, don't!
Best origin story ever.
It deservedly got 20 million views,
and Homer launched a channel
all about the special bond
between himself and
the youngling Maggie.
Say, Maggie,
do you think our viewers
could enter the code "Aw"
with 15 Ws for a discount
The Internet fell in love
with the rest of the Simpsons
when they released
Everybody, yeah ♪
Rock your body, yeah ♪
Now throw your hands
up in the air ♪
Whoa, what's going on?
'Cause we got it going on again ♪
Oh. I love this song.
Am I sexual? ♪
Yeah. ♪
Greetings, newshounds.
Today, a retrospective on
The Simpsons Family Vlog.
In case you've been living
in a grammar-rodeo boot camp
these past four months,
here's the video that started it all.
Soon each family member
had their own channel.
Marge combined her love of cooking
and deeply personal questions
for a groundbreaking interview show.
How you holding up, Krusty?
Ready for number four?
I'm not gonna lie,
number three feels like
it's not done with me,
but my agent said this is
what talk shows are now,
so bring it on.
Next up, The Coagulator.
A tuna melt dipped in
funnel cake batter,
then fried in hot mayonnaise.
It clocks in at 300,000
on the Lethargo Scale.
Oh, I'm really regretting
all those bagels
I ate in the greenroom.
The grease and the powdered sugar
are forming a paste in
the back of my throat.
Do you think your
comedy is fueled by rage
towards your father or towards yourself?
Well, I'd rather talk
about my new holiday movie,
A Very Merry Bris-mas.
Oh, the batter is in my lungs.
Ow! Why is this a show?!
And Bart took pranking
to a whole new level
with The 'Gurt Squad.
Can I sample the strawberry yogurt?
Wait, I'm allergic to strawb
The Simpsons were YouTube sensations,
and corporate America lavished them
with sponsorships and lucre.
But Lisa used her newfound fame
to draw attention to
issues close to her heart.
Hey, guys. I'm here at Needle Beach,
super stoked to start this clean-up
because, as you can see,
this beach is pretty messed up.
What's that?
Oh! Oh, you poor thing.
Luckily, I always carry wire cutters.
Attention, Internet.
It is I, Truth Wizard.
The Simpsons are not
who you think they are,
and I can't let these lies continue
for even one more sec
and I can't let these lies continue
for even one more sec
why are you sitting in the dark?
You'll ruin your eyes.
The doctor said your nose
can't support thicker glasses.
I'm recording a takedown. Get out.
Okay, fine, it's me, Milhouse.
I was the one filming
every Simpson family video.
- Take your shoes off first.
All 50 million of you.
Yo, camera-monkey, shoes off.
I saw firsthand how
the pressure to create content
turned them into monsters.
- Where the hell is the refrigerator?!
- Coming.
You have to tap it.
Oh, who would want this?
- I'm getting a hammer.
- No.
You never let me get the hammer!
Ew, your hand is so sweaty.
Would you tell my scene
partner to be professional?
Uh, Bart? Lisa has a note
- Shut up, Milhouse.
- Ow.
And those cool
'Gurt Squad friends
that hype up Bart's prank videos?
Paid Spucklers.
Hey, guys, you don't have to go home
just 'cause we're done filming pranks.
Yeah, we was meaning
to ask you about that.
How is what you do a prank?
This just seems like a
mean-spirited waste of yogurt.
Okay, we'll use pudding. Great note.
Hey, you guys want to jump
on my trampoline?
I'll take the safety barrier down.
We prefer to keep our
relationship professional.
I'll pay you.
Fine. Time and a half.
And a basket of eggs.
Our hen is feeling poorly.
Even my off-again,
off-again girlfriend Lisa
fell prey to the siren's
call of Internet fame.
What the hell is this?
This beach is spotless.
Sorry, Lisa. We're on it.
Now where's this thing
I'm supposed to save?
Uh, Gil, how's it coming?
I-I'm trying. Ow!
This little fella's really
good at freeing himself.
That's a rented seal. Catch him.
We're gonna lose our deposit.
But let's take a look
at the relationship
that started this whole crazy ride:
Homer and Maggie.
We are so excited to work with Maggie
on this viral campaign for
Nom-Noms 6: European Nom-cation.
We got Maggie's room all set up
for the ultimate immersive
Nom-Nom experience.
Uh, one little hiccup.
Maggie's terrified of Nom-Noms,
especially the girl one.
I'm not sure why. Uh, Bart will do it.
The yogurt kid? No way. No.
Either the Internet baby goes in there,
or you forfeit all nom-pensation.
So that's, uh, "nom" -negotiable?
That's not a real word.
Maggie, there's a cute
baby bunny in there,
so put this GoPro on your head
Maggie, I'm sorry.
Poor Maggie.
Although I like the girl Nom-Nom.
I like her a lot.
I like the way her glasses
have eyelashes and
Milhouse, come do your ear drops.
Hey, guys.
Welcome to episode 751 of
The Lenny and Carl Situation.
Back with us is our frequent guest Moe.
You gonna behave today, Moe?
Hey, don't cancel me, huh?
Today we're talking
about the Simpson family,
specifically "Super Dad" himself,
Homer Simpson.
Guy's a phony.
Full disclosure:
You go back five, six months,
we were best friends with the guy
before he got famous
for those baby videos.
Yeah, so many nights getting
blackout drunk with Homer.
I don't remember him
mentioning that baby once.
And I heard Maggie won't make
any more videos with him.
What people been seeing
is all high-tech trickery.
Intern Barney, play the clip.
Oh, even fake Maggies hate me.
You know, I'm thinking about
going on the all-peanut diet.
You heard about this?
Supposed to be great for the adrenals.
You know, the Aztecs,
that's all they ate was peanuts.
Not like the crap we got today.
Them ancient nuts,
they was full of that, uh, uh,
niacinnamonites. Yeah.
'Cause of the sand they had.
And they lived to be a hundred,
200 years old.
Same thing with the Mayans
and cashews
Hey, guys.
We know there have been a
lot of rumors going around.
So we wanted to formally announce
that we'll be making
a formal announcement
tomorrow night on our livestream
which will address all
the recent controversies.
And we'll Cluck-Stop at nothing
to earn your trust back.
That was nine days ago.
Nobody has seen or heard from
the Simpsons family since.
Over the next two hours,
I will break down my theories
on what might have caused
their dramatic disappearance
on this special edition of
That's your cue.
This special edition of
Now play the suspenseful music.
No, that's a latte macchiato.
Well, you might as well
finish my coffee now.
Which brings us once
again to Snowball I,
Marker fumes. Oh, my.
Hoyvik! Blarvlagin! Ivy.
I apologize.
Um in summary,
I have concluded that the Simpsons
are being held hostage
by a major tech company.
Now, I cannot say which one, but, um,
follow the Google Doodles.
If, uh, you pause
right where the video glitches,
you can see Homer doesn't look human.
More like an alien wearing
an ill-fitting human suit.
Let me tell you something,
Homer Simpsons has done
more for this country
than Dr. Fauci and Dr.
Pimple Popper combined.
It's not his fault he has a trash son
with a face like a lunch bag, okay?
Leave Homer Simpsons alone!
Leave him alone!
Welcome back to Patty
And Selma's
Tingle Palace.
We were going to do part four
of our scalp-delousing role-play.
But, in light of recent events,
we're going to tell you what
we think happened to our
sister Marge Simpson.
It's pretty obvious that Homer snapped,
ate the whole family,
and is hiding on a houseboat,
in a cloud of belches
that used to be his wife
and kids.
- Hmm hmm.
What's up, guys? Today we had
a whole cemetery parkour
segment ready to go,
but instead we've got
a big announcement.
The location of the Simpsons' mansion
has always been super secret,
but we figured out where it is.
We found clues in all their old videos.
We're talking regional birdsongs,
town-specific ice cream truck jingle.
But the clincher: my mom's dating a guy
who got fired from the post office,
and he gave us their address.
We're heading there tonight
to get some answers.
But first, parkour.
Beloved husband!
Jewish guy! Parkour!
Eh Huh.
Hey, guys, I'm Shauna.
With a freaking exclusive.
I found the Simpsons mansion.
What the hell, Jimbo?
Did you tell her the address?
Duh. She's my girlfriend. Hey
Martin Prince here, now embedded
at the Simpsons family compound.
We're about to get scooped,
Hey, guys, Simpsons
Like and subscribe.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, guys.
It's a vlog swarm.
No, no, no. This is our content.
Okay, okay.
But turn on that light.
This way, come on.
Ha! Look at this.
They obviously left in a
hurry without their phones.
Shut up. I can't hear myself Shauna.
- Move out, people, let's go, let's go, let's go.
- Come on, guys, let's go.
- Hmm?
- What is this?
I found 'em!
- Somebody get a pic!
- Bart, the door!
- Grab it!
- Get it!
Welcome, Simpson family.
So, nine days in a panic room. Why?
Well, Opal, our house had been built
by a company we partnered with
that, at that point,
had only built NFTs of houses.
They installed the panic
room door backwards.
You could get in, but you can't get out.
But how did you all
end up trapped there?
Well, we'd been getting ready
for our redemption livestream,
and we were all a little tense.
So I went to the panic room,
where we stored
all of our sponsored crap,
to get some children's CBD gummies.
But I was already in there pounding 'em.
Then I ran in and yelled,
"Stop fighting.
"You're going to sweat through
your signature line of
slimming activewear."
But when we tried to leave,
it was locked.
I said, "Nobody panic.
There's got to be a panic button."
Then I walked in, saying,
"Marge, I can't find the fridge again."
We tried to grab the door.
But it was too late.
We were trapped,
and it was all Homer's fault.
What? You said it was nobody's fault.
That's what I'm supposed to feel,
but I'm not there yet.
We survived on
products we'd been shilling
but had never actually eaten before.
Luckily, there was also a huge supply
of single-use hat-toilets.
Uh, I'm pretty sure
those were just hats.
We didn't have any way to post content,
so we went through
pretty severe withdrawal.
Then, sometime around day four,
I said, "Where's Maggie?
She was just here a second ago."
I moved the table from
the wall and said,
"Oh, God.
She must've crawled in the vent."
I said, "Maggie, come back."
That I'd never force her
to do content ever again,
that I wouldn't be #Daddy anymore,
I'd just be Daddy.
And then
She'd been in the cabinet
the whole time.
We were so relieved.
Then we realized how
high up she was, and then
But Homer made an awesome catch.
And Maggie barfed on him.
After that,
something strange happened.
We started talking to each other.
Like texting with our mouths.
I'd almost forgotten
I could L-O-L I-R-L.
It felt like we were
coming out of a trance.
The only subscribers we needed
were in that room.
Wow. Just, wow.
We're shutting down the YouTube channel
because "The Simpson Family"
isn't who we are.
We are the Simpsons.
We are completely offline now.
I don't even check email anymore,
but that's mainly 'cause we
moved back to Evergreen Terrace,
and our neighborino changed
his Wi-Fi passwordily-durdily.
Well, there you have it.
A confusing, nonsense-word end
to the meteoric rise and fall
and disappearance and reappearance
and return to status quo
for the family the Internet could not
get enough of for almost half a year.
Can we go look at your beehives?
Nah, we're all done here.
Well, that's four hours of
my life I'll never get back.
George R.R. Martin,
you better be working on that new book.
I am.
You said you would finish it years ago.
I'm gonna.
They already made two TV shows about it.
I know that. I went to the parties.
No more parties until
you finish that book.
I'm writing it right now.
I'm doing research.
You did not just stick your
hands in the mint bowl.
Girl, use the spoon,
or I'm gonna have to
kick your Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Booty.
Bitch, that is an IHOP reference.
- This is a Waffle House, mama.
- The Waffle House.
Waffle to the House, House ♪
Waf to the kach to the House,
how ♪
From the legendary House of Waffle. ♪
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