The Simpsons s34e21 Episode Script

Clown V. Board of Education

Oh Krusty-o, oh Krusty-o,
wherefore art thou, Krusty-o?
Yo, yo, Julie-ech.
To pie or not to pie?
That is no question!
Well, the crickets get it,
and they're the toughest
insects to please.
But what happened to my audience?
This is supposed to be a kids' show.
Sorry, Krusty.
Kids are no longer into your show.
Yeah, kids prefer TikTok, Instagram,
going to church, dentist appointments,
even getting bullied.
The only way we can get an audience
is to bring in loose seniors
who are lost at the mall.
We were lied to.
We were promised air conditioning.
There is air conditioning.
Turn it down! I'm freezing!
Okay, so maybe I did lose touch
with my audience in the '90s.
- What year is this?
2000 and what?!
I need new material.
Where are my writers?
They're buried where?!
I tell you, Krusty,
the heyday of the TV clown ended
when parents found out that Ovaltine
was just sugared mud. (LAUGHS)
Everyone's gotten out.
Oingo, Boingo,
Penny Nickels, Knick Knack, Paddywhack,
the cast of The View,
Dungaree Dave, Sadsy.
Sad to see Sadsy go.
Oh, not Leaky Pants.
He'd never quit. He was born to it.
When his mother's water broke,
it was seltzer.
Cheese for your scampi?
Leaky? No!
Also, can I buy
all your material for $7,800?
No way.
Fine, I'll just steal it.
Little Debbie Dimples,
you're the wisest of us all.
What do we do?!
I don't know.
I'm as cute and adorable as I ever was.
Check out my trademark pout.
Oh, it hurts so much to do that.
What we need is new, young clowns.
But who's teaching 'em? Nobody.
Wait a minute.
If I started a school for clowns,
I could save our profession.
But would I make money?
What's private school
tuition these days?
Yeah, hey, you could sell
the students comedy props.
Like those dollar sign contacts
you're wearing. (CHUCKLES)
It's not a prop.
It's scarring from a
drive-through LASIK's clinic.
Little tip: Put the car in park.
Dimples, this school idea is genius.
Any more advice?
Yes. The most important
thing in comedy is
uh, um
What? What?!
Fine, don't tell me.
What is it? What could it be?
Why won't she tell me?
Is it being funny?
Is it big shoes? What?
Now, listen here, Bozo,
you can't just open a school
and expect to be certified.
That's right,
you need psychological evaluations,
educational degrees.
I think you'll find
every document you need
in this envelope.
No cash. Now I only take Griftr. See?
Now, about the curriculum.
Will you teach STEM?
Sure will. Slapstick, tumbling,
enormous shoes and mime.
Mime?! Yeah, forget it.
Hey, that's great.
Would you like to teach
mime at my school?
You've got the job.
Sign here. Oh, no.
The wind blew the papers away.
Oh, catch them and put
them in your magic box.
Clowning is now the
most despised profession
in America after Supreme Court justice.
But that will change.
We will lift our clown horns high
and tell the world,
Now, let's pull together
as only clowns can.
Well, whatever the hell this is,
it's starting.
ANNOUNCER: Tired of your kids
being jammed into overcrowded
public school classrooms
with teachers who only
work nine months a year?
Ready to work on our lesson plan?
I plan to lessen
the amount of margarita
in this pitcher. (CHUCKLES)
Teachers. They have it so easy.
They get to buy their
own classroom equipment,
and people tell them what
they can and can't teach.
What a racket.
Then bring your kids to
the Herschel Krustofsky
School for the Clowning Arts.
You'll receive a fully
rounded education.
Math, science, balloon animals,
and the basics of stilt safety,
and advanced balloon animals.
And we've got one thing
no other school has:
an elephant.
Barnum & Bailey's
had to sell this guy
after an unfavorable documentary.
And I got him.
I have to go there.
You're doing just fine at
Springfield Elementary.
No, I'm not. In fact,
here are several notes from my teachers.
This could be the chance for me
to turn my sucked-up life around.
I'll be like Lisa, but fun.
- Mm.
- Objection withdrawn.
Look at it this way, guys.
You got to straighten me out.
It's either this way or Catholic school.
Catholic school?
Te deum laudamus:
te dominum confitemur.
Te aeternum patrem
omnis terra veneratur.
- Tibi omnes Angeli;
tibi Caeli et universae Potestates
Okay, okay, you got it.
Kid, your grades are nothing
to "hey, hey" about,
so sell me on you.
Well, sir, I've been voted
class clown three years running.
Impressive. I never won anything.
My publicist got me one of those
"In Memoriam" segments once,
but I was alive.
It was great to see my face up there,
although it got booed.
Still, this application has
What's the educational term for it?
"The stink of a loser."
Oh, man.
Wait a minute. Now, see here.
Maybe my kid is a loser,
but he's an alpha loser.
The one that all the other
losers blindly follow.
Whatever Bart's joining, I'm joining.
And I'll pay whatever it takes.
Here are all my pin numbers.
Take them. Come on, take them.
Kid, you've shown me the way.
The bottom of the barrel
is lined with gold.
Now bring me every rotten
apple in the barrel.
Krusty, mein old pal.
Showbiz man hug.
I want to present mein son, Dieter.
I think he would be an excellent
candidate for your akademi.
Shut up, Dad, you has-been.
Enough of the wisenheiming.
My son is a special boy,
so special,
no decent school will take him.
But he has a gift for the comedy,
like me.
We Germans have a word for it.
Komische einstellung
I wasn't finished.
Let's cut to the chase. Are we in?
I don't know,
we got a lot of applications.
- Oh, he's in, all right.
That's Malibu rehab money!
Son, let's get you some ice cream
and a new Lamborghini.
- Whatever.
Holy crap.
I could afford another marriage.
And just in time. (GROANS)
You see this, Dad? I'm trying to be
an educator, just like you.
Like all great teachers,
my motivation is money.
If you've got a problem, give me a sign.
Nothing? Nothing.
That's the most positive
thing you've ever said to me.
I'll take that as, uh,
"I admit to being your father."
Okay, Lisa,
here are your multicolor note cards.
Bart, your honk horn.
Why do you need this for English class?
I don't know and I don't care.
Bart, what have I told you about
riding a unicycle in the kitchen?
Nothing. It's never come up.
"No turnip tossing,
no unhappy pancake faces."
You know, you're right.
Listen, I don't want to spoil a party
- Yes, you do.
- Okay,
but I don't enjoy it.
Again, you do.
Okay, but I feel guilty.
- No, you don't.
- Shut up.
Let me speak.
Are we sure Bart is
going to a real school?
Lisa, don't step on his enthusiasm.
This combines a boy's
two most natural desires:
To be with his family
while running away to join the circus.
Lis, for the first time,
I feel like you do about school.
Can you understand that feeling?
Oh, my God, I can.
Cut the treacle. That's what clowns do.
Anyone seen my glasses?
Those actually make you look cooler.
Who was the first clown to wear
the double-winged neck ruff?
My hand is going up. What's happening?
Yes, Bart?
First clown with neck ruff.
Pickel-herring. Dortmund, Germany.
Very good.
First female clown, U.S.?
Amelia Butler, Royal Amphitheater.
Very good. First
Oh, my God, I'm striving.
And I know what "striving" means.
Now for a demonstration
of the parabolic curve.
Laughter is the best medicine.
Except for synthetic opiates.
You know the rules, boy.
In this house, I get the first shower
and the last pork chop.

Why, you
genius. (LAUGHS)
He deflected his father's rage.
I'm so proud.
What is that beautiful instrument?
It's a saxophone.
Why don't you play a
fun thing like that?
I play it every night.
Well, why can't you be more yakety?
Mom, tell Dad I'm plenty yakety.
Well, a little more wouldn't hurt.
(CLEARS THROAT) Springfield
Elementary children,
are you ready?
My mechanical pencil nib is
extruded to the ideal length.
Good to see you, pal.
First question.
Category: Science.
This lighter-than-air gas
- BOTH (HIGH-PITCHED): Helium. Helium.
- Correct.
Children, remember
this inspirational thought.
You will have to make up the schoolwork
you missed during this time.
Great speech.
This is a good time to remind you
you're banned from my funeral.
Time for the final question in math.
Give the equation for
a parabolic curve.
Y equals X squared plus a constant C.
That answer is correct.
This is a Hollywood ending,
except Hollywood doesn't
write endings anymore.
They just tease the sequels.
Sorry, no autographs, selfies,
charitable requests, subpoenas or
- I came to say thank you.
- What?
Never heard that before.
I hate to say it, but I was almost,
almost, starting to lose hope in my son.
Then you turned him around.
God bless you, Krusty.

Here's a subpoena.
Eh, I'm still happy.
Dad, I did it.
I finally did something
both of us can be proud of.
And you didn't see it.
Even though you lived to be 97.
- VOICE: Krusty?
- Yeah.
Krusty, my boy.
I hear you.
Krusty, I would like to
become a partner in your school.
A Carnegie to your Mellon, as it were.
Aw, the mob wants in.
Running a school is
a dangerous business.
I foresee possible boiler explosions,
Taco Tuesday trichinosis,
a mysterious increase
in owies and boo-boos.
But I can prevent these things.
Are you threatening me?
Well, since you insist on discussing
the elephant in the room,
he will be working for me now.
Oh, why does every
performing animal turn on me?
- Are you still mad
I separated you from your child?
Look, you guys already control
waste management, casinos,
farmers' markets and Girl Scout cookies.
What do you want with a stupid school?
Our organization has run
out of revenue streams.
The best drugs are sold by
the nice lady at Walgreens.
Gambling is so legally available,
it's not fun anymore.
Meanwhile, Harvard and Yale
jacked their tuition
up ten percent annually
when they already got
90 billion in the bank.
I just found out we're down $100.
Send out more envelopes!
I want out of loan sharking,
and into student loans.
Talk about a vig. Whoa!
Education is the last untapped scam
left in America.
Plus, I've always admired
the stone-cold ruthlessness
of teachers unions.
And if that teacher's a nun,
you can kiss your knuckles goodbye.
Talk about whacking.
Fat Tony, let me be honest with you.
I got an agent, a manager,
two personal shoppers and a Shabbos goy.
There are no percents
left for me to give.
And for the first time in my
life as a children's show host,
I think I'm actually helping kids.
No, let me be honest with you.
We can do this the easy way or
You win.
Now, one more thing.
Tell me you like me
and make me believe it.
I like you. I like you.
No one could fake a kiss that wet.
Why aren't you traffic monitors
managing this drop-off?
He's on a no-show job.
Me? I'm a no-work.
I'm a no-show?
Then what am I doing here?
I thought you liked my company.
Eh, I like it. I don't love it.
Where are all the markers?
They're selling them across
the border in Ogdenville
without paying the dry erase tax.

- Have you got any reds, man?
Nobody's got reds!
Two hundo a bag.
That's not cool.
You're taking advantage of my addiction
to highlighting important material, man.
You are late with your envelope.
Tough tamales.
- You see these mashed potatoes?
- Yeah.
What if we make you eat them?
You're right, Dad.
It's time I stopped
being a terrified clown
and started being a terrified educator.
I'm going to stand up like a man
and rat them out behind their backs.
Yeah, sorry, Krusty, but the police have
no jurisdiction in private schools,
private clubs, private homes.
Basically any place outside
the police station. (CHUCKLES)
Are you willing to wear a wire?
I will, but I must warn you,
I'm super ticklish.
I'm not even touching you.
But I know you're gonna.
So, uh, we figured it's best
to put the microphone
in the squirting flower.
Gotcha. Does the flower still squirt?
Actually, if you squirt it,
you'll be immediately
electrocuted. Yeah.
Full house. Jacks over eights.
What do you got, Johnny Tight Lips?
Could be the winning hand,
but I'll never tell.
Just what our card game needed,
a joker.
Uh, yeah. Don't mind me.
Just keep playing and talking freely.
Hey, Krusty, do the flower bit.
I love that gag.
Hey, let me be the foil.
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY): Yeah, well, uh
Come on, funny man.
Squirt me right between the eyes.
What are you waiting for, clown?
One of us is going to be splattered
in the next five seconds.
Damn it, lost another witness.
How's our memorial wall looking, Lou?
Don't give me that look.
I told you we needed
a bigger wall. I said it.
This guy is hilarious.
He's wearing a wire.
Any last words?
No one messes with the
principal we actually like.
Boss, these kids are making
me feel dizzy and guilty.
Maybe there is a more
civilized solution.
After all, we Romans
invented civilization.
No, we didn't,
we stole it from the Greeks.
Krusty, what if there was a way
that I could get my money
and you would no longer have me to fear?
I'm listening.
Oh, you're burning the school down
for the insurance money?
You get an A-plus in math.

What do I do with this extra gas?
- Use it in your car.
- Don't need it.
I drive a Nissan Leaf.
Idiota. I'll leaf you.
I finally did something
you could be proud of,
and now it's gone.
Not true, man.
You made a difference in my life,
and that'll never change.
He's right. The boy has learned
that if he gives a damn,
he will succeed.
And that false hope will
carry him a long, long way.
Aw, thanks, but I'm afraid
I'll need more than that to cheer me up.
Hmm. Want to get some nachos?
Did you say "naches,"
the Yiddish word for "fatherly pride"?
No, I said "nachos," the Mexican word
for cheese-covered chips.
It's a sign from my father.
My father finally has naches.
I said, "nachos."
Chipotle on me.
The most important thing is timing.
- Here are the morning announcements.
You children have
the greatest gift of all.
You cannot be tried as adults.
Today is Italian American Day.
As is every other day forever.
Do not go in the meat locker
no matter what you hear.
If you see something,
you didn't see nothing.
And all further announcements
will be made from
my uncle's doctor's office
because the Feds
can't wire that place.
Good day.

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