The Simpsons s35e01 Episode Script

Homer's Crossing

Finally, a galaxy without trolls.
Your reign of muscly heroism
ends here, Flexulon.
Soar high, my golden friend.
For today, we die another day.
[LAUGHS] Next stop,
the dank sticky jungles
of Bong-ulon Five.
Dude, you shouldn't have let him eat
that whole pan of acid brownies.
In my defense, I-I thought it'd be cool,
and I was right.
So, since Otto
has disappeared with our bus
and our brownie pans,
parents will have to drive
their own children to school.
Well, fewer of you would have to drive
if you sat down and
arranged a carpool schedule.
[PARENT] I'll kill you!
Or your children could walk to school
so none of you have to do anything.
Walking it is.
However, we do need one parent volunteer
to complete our team of
noble crossing guards.
Just, uh,
one engaged parent is all we need.
Hell yeah! You know I'm in.
I've been waiting for
this my whole life.
Homer Simpson. Wonderful.
Hmm? What'd he say?
I was watching the trailer for
the Revenge of the Nerds reboot.
John Cena is playing Booger.
Homer, you just volunteered.
Dear God.
No. Stop. Yield.
Well, he's got the lingo down.
This guy's a natural.
Now I got to wake up
at the butt-crack of dawn
to walk loser kids
across some loser street.
[GROANS] Never have children, Lenny.
[LAUGHS] You don't have
to worry about that.
- See, I was born without
What the? We've got a code
blue in 7-G. Repeat, code blue.
[GROANS] Anyhoo,
you notice there's an apple for
sale in the vending machine?
[LAUGHS] I mean, who would buy that?
- Double the coolant levels, now.
- I'm on it.
Backup pumps on standby.
decrease the steam valves by 60p.
Leonard, the control rods.
You, glasses, pray for all our souls.
Now, switch generators on my count.
- Four.
- Three.
- We did it!
- Boolah, boolah.
[CLEARS THROAT] Um, fellas?
I'm the nuclear safety guy, right?
Shouldn't my console have been
doing all that beepy stuff?
- Yeah, um, uh [STAMMERS]
- Uh, you see
We kind of made it so that
just my console does that now.
We just figured
we'd lighten your load, buddy,
since you already do so much.
Like the March madness brackets.
And you're the go-getter who implemented
Jean-short Wednesdays.
Are you guys saying
I've never kept anyone safe?
Oh, sure you have, Homer.
Just by not doing anything.
My console isn't even plugged in.
I opened it,
and it's full of cleaning supplies
and unsold Mr. Burns funkos.
[GROANS] This whole time
I thought I mattered,
but I don't and I never did.
Well, you matter to me,
especially since it's Wednesday night.
Oh. Right. Scheduled sex.
[HOMER] Okay, here we go
Just give me a second here.
[MOANS] Come on, just
Almost [GRUNTS] Um
[MARGE] Uh, sweetie?
It seems like your light saber
doesn't want to go "shwoom."
Did you go "Han Solo" earlier tonight?
[GROANS] I guess I'm useless everywhere.
I'm just gonna stay in bed tomorrow
and suck my nightstand ketchup packets.
Actually, you have to wake up at 6:00
- to be a crossing guard.
- D'oh!
What do you guys think happened to Otto?
- Jail.
- Jail.
- Jail.
- Maybe he just got tired
of always running from the darkness.
Oh, God, there's Dad.
Please don't let him embarrass us.
Well, well,
time to help the baby
brigade cross the road.
- Oh, no.
I deserve your respect,
you little jerks.
Stupid kids. Without me,
they'd be stuck on
one side of the street
for the rest of their lives.
Haw-haw! Got your octagonal sign.
Hey, give me that!
I need it to tell cars what to do. Stop!
No, you stop.
- D'oh!
I'm a streetwalker.
Oh, no. I'm late for my AA meeting.
Hey there, gorgeous.
[BOTH] Whoa.
My whole life just
flashed through my pants.
Way to go, Homer!
You just saved this balding
little scamp's life.
- All right, Homer.
- You did it, Dad!
How about one for the paper, Mr. S.
I saved someone's life.
You hear that, world?
Homer Simpson matters!
Oh, right. How about one of these?
- Whoo.
- Whee!
The last two endangered pandas
on earth died today
in what zoo investigators are
calling a grisly murder-suicide.
Adios, pandas.
We'll see you at the crossroads.
We wrap up tonight's
nightly reading of horrors
with a new optimistic
segment I like to call
"Chicken Soup for the News."
The small-town crossing guard.
A job most Americans consider
as charming as it is pointless.
Until last week,
when local hero Homer
Simpson risked his life
to save one pumpkin-headed little boy.
And now, Simpson has become something
of a curbside celebrity.
What can Springfield do to
show its love and appreciation
for local crossing guards?
I don't know. I guess
we could use some new equipment.
These lawn chairs aren't very comfy
and these old sashes don't exactly
"lift and support."
But you know what, Kent?
Keeping kids safe is its own reward.
God bless that saintly doughball.
That's it, I'm giving
Springfield's crossing guards
an actual budget.
Not for self-serving political reasons,
but because I'm a man of principle
who wants to do good in the world.
Joseph, your turn
on the sex chess board.
We can't very well
play without our king.
Though the bishop may try.

Wow, look at all this orange swag.
And that's just the beginning.
Now you'll be getting
a full-time salary.
Ah, sweet cellophane Sally.
First, I get paid to be the timer
at a chess-themed sex orgy,
and now this.
Homer, as the fella
whose heroism got us here,
I nominate you as
crossing guard captain.
Look at my handsome man in uniform.
I don't know, Homer.
The only people that wear
badges are power-hungry chumps
who want to keep the little guy down.
Are you talking about
that security guard at the supermarket?
I wasn't trying to break
the gumball machine.
I was just trying to shake out a purple.
Well, I'm proud of you, Dad.
Volunteering to serve the community
is the highest calling there is.
You know what's even better?
Volunteering for money.
We're getting paid now.
I even got a budget for ten more guards.
And I'm only gonna hire
the best and the brightest.
All right, rookies.
Not all of you are going to
make it through training.
Look to your left,
now look to your right.
That's how you know if a car is coming.
That concludes your training.
Heya, Homer. I-I can't thank you enough
for saving my Ralphy's life.
Of course, Chief. Just doing my job.
If you ever need a
parking ticket thrown out
or someone else's DNA left somewhere,
you just let me know.
Yarr, captain.
He didn't seek your permission
to cross the seven stripes.
Crossing guard Stu
- thinks he's undermining you.
- Where's the fire, buddy?
Do you know how jay you
were walking there, sir?
I-I-I don't know what that means.
All right, wise guy,
I'm gonna have to ask you
to step out of the curb.
And keep your feet where I can see them.
[STAMMERS] I can't even see them.
Sir, calm down.
Look, I can let you off
with a warning this time,
but just so you know,
I run these streets.
I what? No, you don't, I do.
Well, I run all the parts
between the curbs. Got it?
Ooh, these are nice.
I'm gonna hold onto them,
unless you have a problem with that?
Yeah, no, no problem at all,
um, uh, "cross-ifer."
Just have-have a nice day.
Stupid crossing guards,
think they're so tough with
their cool orange vests.
Another curb kept safe
by captain Homer J. Simpson. Boys?

H-Here's that pitcher you asked for,
squeaky voice.
That's Mr. Teen to you, rookie.
These new guys got no respect.
It ain't like when we
started three weeks ago.
Homer, I've been trying to reach you.
Whoa, there, Skinner.
This bar is crossing guards only now.
I don't even let Lenny
and Carl in here no more.
Yeah, but did you read my urgent memo?
Tomorrow is the science fair,
bake sale, and picture day.
Morning drop-off will
be very challenging.
Now, uh, I'm not telling you
how to do your job
Are you telling me how to do my job?
No, I specifically said I'm not
telling you how to do your job.
That's enough, Principal what's-ya-face.
No pedestrians allowed.
But, Homer, if we don't get this right,
it could be pandemonium.
[SCOFFS] Pandemonium.
It's pandemonium, folks.
This is Arnie Pye,
reporting live high above an
elementary school traffic jam
turned all-out scholastic fracas.
Surely this town's handsomely
paid crossing guards
can bring order to this
Monday morning mayhem.
- Oh, oh.
- Guys, stop it!
The punching is making things worse.
Don't make me blow my whistle at you.
Captain Simpson, the shaking of my car
is dangerously close to mixing
the hydrogen peroxide,
yeast, and dish soap within.
- So?
- Those ingredients create
a fascinating yet volatile substance
known as [GASPS]
elephant toothpaste.
This was the most expensive,
and disgusting riot since
the Isotopes won the pennant.
Go Topes.
Crossing guard captain Homer Simpson,
what do you have to say for yourself?
Um um
Ooh! What can I do?
Who can I blame? Coastal elites?
Avocado socialists? The boy?
[GASPS] I've got it.
Mr. Mayor, the blame falls
squarely on the shoulders
of the crossing guards's
inadequate budget.
We need more money!
More money?
More money for training,
for equipment, for overtime,
so that your children can
cross the street safely
at 3:00 A.M. if they want to.
Throwing money at a
deeply flawed institution
is bound to work.
Um, have you all been
huffing evidence powder?
Homer Simpson and his chair-jockeys
royally screwed the pooch on this one.
And now you want to give him more money?
That makes absolutely no sense.
Listen up, wokester.
Guys like me are the
last line of defense
between your school
kids and guys like me
who text when they drive.
And if you don't like it,
you can jaywalk your
ass back to Portland.
- Wha?
- All in favor of me
pulling a political 180 on this issue
and giving the crossing guards
a blank check, say "aye."
- [ALL] Aye.
- Nay.
Somebody get my enormous checkbook.
It worked.
Maybe I should've asked them
for more, just in case.
And, uh, here's some more, just in case.
Ooh, these beanbag bazookas
can shatter a minivan windshield.
[GASPS] And it comes
with a beanbag bandolier.
Look at you and your huge budget.
My big, strong leader in the streets
and in the sheets the bedsheets.
I like that we kept our
sunglasses on last night.
I couldn't see a thing.
Wow, look at all this cool stuff.
You are an all-powerful crossing God.
I thought you said badges were lame?
Hey, like everyone who
comes into a ton of cash,
I've flip-flopped to
the side of authority.
Oh, you're charging me, Francine?
Even though I keep your
kids safe every morning?
Aiden? Charlotte?
Nearsighted Nicholas?
Oh, I'm sorry. It's on the house.
Thank you for your service, hero.
[SIGHS] I don't even have kids,
but this guy scares me.
Um, Dad,
I worry that this massive
increase in money and power
is subtly corrupting you.
Oh, honey, relax.
There's nothing subtle about it.
Hey! ♪
- Move, move, move!
Nice job, squeaks.
Moleman, you got a couple of SJWs
suspected jaywalkers
at three o'clock.
Engage with extreme hostility.
[MOLEMAN OVER RADIO] Copy. Gun safety
and body cam off.
Mm Simpson and his orange shirts
are harassing citizens
with complete disregard
for their civil rights.
I'm up to my eyeballs in angry emails
and nine-figure lawsuits.
Well, you could always, uh
decrease their budget a bit.
- Defund us?!
My department does not
have too much money.
How did you know what
we were talking about?
Uh, surveillance satellite.
Aw, geez, we wanted one of those.
Uh, captain Simpson,
your crossing guards now take up
the vast majority of this town's budget.
We have no choice but to
trim your budget by
1.5 percent.
[STAMMERING] One point
Sir, you're about to learn
the crossing guards are uncrossable.
Where's the nice man who helps us cross?
I heard he lost his funding.
Let's just go by ourselves.
[HOMER] Welcome to mayor
Quimby's Springfield,
population: two less kids.
Quimby and his fat-cop cronies
want to flood the streets
with door-dashers,
rolling stoppers,
and yellow-light speeder-uppers.
Joe Quimby. Bad for Springfield.
Worse for America.
A smear ad?
It's not even an election year.
Is it?
Homer Simpson can bully this town,
its citizens, and their young children,
but he cannot bully me.
Clancy, shut him down.
With pleasure.
My anti-Quimby ad got a million likes
on my "Thin Orange Line" Facebook page.
Look at all these supportive comments.
"Murder Quimby,"
"Dismember Quimby,"
"Go back in time and kill baby Quimby."
Ah, the Internet,
the marketplace of ideas.
You're endangering the
lives of public officials.
Oh, come on,
I'm just slinging a little mud.
What's the worst that could happen?
[GASPS] Dear God
That chair was my best
friend on the force.
Who would dare do this?
[WIGGUM] Me would dare.
When you mess with the pig,
you get the snout.
This is a chair too far, Wiggum.
My crossing guards and your cops
need to settle this once and for all,
at the most dangerous place in town.
What, that Brunchausen by Loxy Place
that's been poisoning
everyone for attention?
No. The six-way intersection.
Well, well,
I thought cops only showed up
after something bad happens.
We are sick of you crossing guards
and your unaccountable, super-macho,
crazily militarized malarkey.
That's our thing, damn it.
No, that's our thing.
Who the hell are you?
We're ICE. Keeping this country safe
from cleaning ladies and
college-age dreamers.
We're America's heroes.
You wish, kid-cagers. It's the TSA.
We keep this country safe,
one confiscated shampoo
bottle at a time.
Think again, shoe sniffers.
The only force holding society together
is America's meter maids.
And meter butlers.
No, it's us, overzealous
neighborhood watch guys
in right-to-carry states.
- Whoop. Sorry, Clem.
You all think you keep America safe?
By hassling grandmas and
wrecking quinceañeras?
By grazing my junk with your wand?
Or arresting bank robbers
who rob banks?
Unlike all of you,
I've earned the right to feel godlike.
I've actually saved a life.
we save lives every day, bruh.
Shut up, lifeguards.
This is a land argument.
But if the rest of you want to get nuts,
then come on, let's get nuts.
But mark my words,
before you cross the crossing guards,
you'd better look both way [GRUNTS]
Hey, everybody. I'm back. I
- Uh-oh.
Am I gonna go to jail now?
I wouldn't dream of it.
Well, I hope you learned
a valuable lesson, Dad.
Absolute power
Is the best kind of power there is?
Is a warm beanbag bazooka?
Does bad things to society
and does strange things to me.
No. Once you militarized
the crossing guards,
they became an army
in search of an enemy.
And if the only tool
you have is a hammer,
then everything starts
to look like a nail.
Perhaps, but on the other hand
- Ugh.
- Mom!
- Gotcha!
Bart, say "excuse me."
[LISA] I don't care if he says
excuse me, I want him
- not to burp in my face.
- Lighten up, Lis.
Must hammer nails.
If I had a hammer ♪
I'd hammer in the morning ♪
I'd hammer in the evening ♪
I got a hammer,
and I've got a bell ♪
and I've got a song to sing ♪
all over this land ♪
it's a hammer of justice ♪
it's a bell of freedom ♪
it's a song about love ♪
between my brothers
and my sisters ♪
all over this land ♪
it's a hammer of justice ♪
it's a bell of freedom ♪
it's a song about love ♪
between my brothers
and my sisters ♪
all over this land. ♪
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