The Simpsons s35e04 Episode Script

Thirst Trap: A Corporate Love Story

I'm just gonna attach
this lapel mic, sir.
So, you want me to talk about
Persephone Odair? That's easy.
She was a brilliant entrepreneur
who wanted to save the world.
How I wish that was
her only shortcoming.
My company, Lifeboat,
can take an ocean of salt water
and transform it into
clean drinking water,
cheaply and efficiently with a machine
only the size of a can of oats.
Now, the doubters
call this goal "impossible,"
but I prefer to say: "I'm possible."

[NARRATOR] This story is about
a little girl who had a dream.
But it begins with another little girl
who allowed us to use the footage
from when she interviewed
the first little girl
who is no longer a little girl.
I'm so excited to be interviewing
Persephone Odair, CEO of Lifeboat.
So, Persephone,
you were the most be-badged
girl scout of all time
and then followed in the
footsteps of Bill Gates
by dropping out of Harvard early.
The earliest ever.
Our car didn't even slow down
on freshmen move-in day.
So inspirational.
What was the "aha moment"
that gave you the idea
to start Lifeboat?
Great question.
And, Lisa,
great questions are the jackhammers,
which demo the walls
built by distrupto-phobes
to create the open
floorplan of innovation.
I've always thought
that about questions.
my grandfather was a World War II sailor
whose ship was torpedoed.
He was stranded on a lifeboat, Lisa,
surrounded by water but
not a drop to drink.
Don't tell me he died.
Worse. He gave up.
And then he died, of quitting
and super-duper dehydration.
But I will never give up
until I've raised enough capital
to make Lifeboat a reality.
[CHUCKLING] So if you
know any billionaires
Well, the only one
in our town is Mr. Burns,
and he's awful.
Once, he clear-cut a forest
because he thought a squirrel
was looking at him funny.

Montgomery Burns. Mm.
Interesting idea, Lisa.
No, I didn't say it to be an idea!
He's terrible.
Whatever you do, don't go to him.
[NARRATOR] But the woman who once tried
to clone Sheryl Sandberg
for a school project
would not be deterred.
Welcome to Orlando. Quick heads-up.
We may have to cut this panel short
due to our third once-in-a-million-year
hurricane this season.
- Put this on my reel!
- Terrible luck.
- No fault of anyone's.
Mr. Burns, climate change
has left the earth in peril.
Who sent you? John Muir?
Friedrich Engels?
Mike Doonesbury?
I'm getting word that this
hurricane is meeting up
with the everglades super fire.
Montgomery, I'm the founder
of a desalination company.
Our world is running out of water,
and we need a hero to rescue us.
And I believe that
that hero is your money.
We sell chemicals that
can put out that fire.
Granted, those chemicals
turn alligators into godzillas,
but we're working on a
bomb that can fix that.
Sorry, miss. Desalination is a snooze.
But I do want in on the Godzilla bomb.
[NARRATOR] Persephone was not
shy about hounding Mr. Burns,
and he wasn't shy about hounding her.
Some fish just swim with the tide.
I'm the kind of relentless fish
that falls down ten times
before it runs up the mountain.
On ocean shoes.
Eh. Fine, you've got five minutes.
Who are these goateed wastrels?
A documentary crew.
Only the most paradigm-shifting
start-up CEOs have them.
Mr. Burns, I see your life
as a beautiful business opera
and investing in Lifeboat
as the climactic aria
that will put you in the
same pantheon as Getty,
Vanderbilt, the Spanx Lady.
Desalination is an expensive
and inefficient industry
begging to be disrupted.
Success is a decision.
Dare to choose it, sir.
- Dare to.
- Of course.
Like how I chose to be born rich.
Together we can disrupt big salt water.
You mean the ocean?
Exactly, or should I say
[BOTH] Excellent.
Not only am I pledging
much of my personal wealth
to Lifeboat, but I'm giving
the company cooling tower A
to use as its headquarters.
Cooling tower A was
Mr. Burns' favorite tower.
He always said it held so
many precious memories.
In addition, all workers in sector 7-G
are immediately fired
Hey, that's me! Screw you, pig!
and are rehired at higher
tech industry salaries.
Bless you, pig!
[NARRATOR] Burns brought
his wealthiest friends
into Persephone's fold.
When I invest, I look
at the business's key fundamental:
Am I under the delusion that
I have a shot with the CEO?
[NARRATOR] Burns and
Persephone were soon
running the new company side by side,
overseeing a start-up culture
- where everyone had a creative title.
Persephone Odair,
founder and status quo demolitionist.
Montgomery Burns,
chief change alchemist.
Waylon Smithers, purposefulness warlock.
Carl Carlson, braindump magician.
Lenny Leonard, storytelling ninja.
Homer Simpson, "compet-ticy" rockstar.
[DIRECTOR] Competency?
Say it again.
If anyone can transform Burns,
it's a visionary like Persephone.
Like, if you work at Lifeboat,
you have to use
these metal drinking straws.
It's so easy to clean after every use.
I'm just [GROANS]
Why does it have to bend?
- This is my fight song ♪
Take back my life song ♪
Prove I'm all right song. ♪
- My fellow Lifeboaters!
I'm so excited to have you
on this journey with me.
Imagine a world with an endless
supply of drinkable water.
A world where every hotel
towel can be used once
and then dropped on the floor.
Oh, there are a lot of changes.
Unlike when this was a nuclear plant,
security's super tight now,
and we have to sign stringent NDAs.
And I am bad at keeping secrets.
Like how I'm not supposed
to talk about Lenny's crush
- on his Italian tutor.
- Homer.
[NARRATOR] Lifeboat was soaring,
but no one could've
predicted what shocking turn
was in store for the company.
Um, is this one of those documentaries
where I'm not supposed
to look at the camera?
Or is it like The Office,
where I always look at it
and do a big take so the audience knows
when to laugh?
In richness and wealth,
for richer and richer,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
I'm still pinching myself.
I'm married to Montgomery Burns.
Nuclear industry legend.
Chief s'more toaster
at the Bohemian Grove.
The first man with no blood type.
What a joy to wake up in the morning,
turn my head on the pillow
and see her bedroom
door through the glass
of my hyperbaric chamber.
[NARRATOR] Soon, Persephone and
Burns were the new it power couple.
And the press couldn't
get enough of this may
last-minute-of-December romance.
It's so refreshing to see a young person
with the world at her feet
who also sees the glory
that is Montgomery Burns.
[NARRATOR] Now it was up to Persephone
to create a working prototype of
her amazing desalination technology.
The water in front of you comes from
the functional prototype of
the Lifeboat desalination machine.
So everyone please raise a glass
to milestone this
history-defining moment.
Oh, no, you can't drink it now. No.
Our competitors could steal
the proprietary aquatech
in your urine.
And just in case any of our
patented evaporated mist
made it into your bladders,
we've arranged to have
you all catheterized.
So Lifeboat was just following
the tech industry playbook:
Fake it till you make it.
Or as I call it, "lie-po until you ipo."
But the employees were already
dreaming of cashing out.
Tech salaries are the greatest.
This week,
I gave Marge 200 stock options
to go grocery shopping.
It didn't work at all.
I had to put all the
food back on the shelves.
[NARRATOR] Meanwhile,
the newly minted tech workers
were adapting to a much
different corporate culture.
At the new company,
people were so secretive
they actually moved the post-it
notes with their passwords
off their monitor.
Workers were getting fired every day.
That tattoo is the intellectual
property of the company.
The whole company got so paranoid.
Because of those NDAs he signed,
Homer couldn't even
tell me how his day was.
I can neither confirm
nor deny I had a day.
Well, it was strange
they wouldn't let me
look inside the machines,
since my title was
chief engineer of inside the machine.
And whenever a reporter came by,
it seemed like they were
trying to cover something up.
Well, still better
than working for Zuckerberg!
They were hiding something,
and it was really freaking me out.
So I emailed Persephone.
And the next day, Carl was gone.
[NARRATOR] Despite the red
flags flying from this Lifeboat,
there continued to be believers.
Persephone dominates my vision board.
Sure, she married Mr. Burns,
but as CEO, a woman had all the power.
That's what made the
Internet trolls so mad.
[NARRATOR] All the online
negativity stirred up
the finger-tempted anger of
a different kind of troll.
This is my fight song ♪
take back my life song ♪
I wanted to give my wife wow, wife,
still getting used to saying that
a little something
special for her birthday.
A Twitter gift card?
No. I bought you Twitter.
The whole company. It was a bargain.
The previous owner had to sell it
after his self-driving Mars rocket
crashed into the
international space station.
Oh! Mm.
Mr. Burns, you deleted
all negative tweets about Persephone.
Is that evidence that
you're in a kind of cult
and won't hear any
criticism of your leader?
Yes, I am in a cult.
It's called a marriage. [LAUGHS]
My wife is the head of it,
and my job is to support her.
Now, maybe you're the cult
leader in your marriage, Andrew,
but I know Pilar,
and I suspect she'd disagree.
[NARRATOR] But Lifeboat was
rocked by a fresh scandal,
when an anonymous whistleblower
bravely came forward
with damning new information.
friend Carl was abducted
because he was about to go public
with a story that would
destroy this company.
People need to know the truth.
The Lifeboat machine doesn't work.
[NARRATOR] The whistle was
blown and the damage was done.
Ma'am, ma'am, the whistleblower claims
the only person who has seen
the inside of your desalination machine
has disappeared.
Isn't that suspicious?
Why do you doubt a female CEO
but believe the silhouette of a man
sitting in the dark?
News flash! Women have faces now.
[NARRATOR] At this moment,
allegations that its core technology
does not work are threatening
Lifeboat's very survival.
- Is this the beginning of the end
for this once-promising start-up?
[FEMALE NARRATOR] And the answer is
absolutely not.
Lifeboat will save humanity
and become the world's
most profitable company.
Join us next time for Lifeboat Afloat,
Persephone's total vindication.
[Burns] This documentary series
is now a Burnsco production.
Montgomery Burns wasn't happy
with the documentary
about his wife's start-up,
so he bought the company
that made it,
but that didn't stop others
from telling the story,
because the business of
business documentaries is big business.
We've unearthed even more
never-before-seen footage
of the Beatles, including six hours
of them discussing drinking water.
The thing about water,
you can't make tea without it.
What if you made tea out of coffee?
What if you made coffee out of tea?
Uh, fellas,
maybe we should play some music.
[SIPS] Why do they call it H2O?
I bet no reason at all.
[NARRATOR] Just weeks ago,
Lifeboat stopped payment
on their stadium naming rights.
Despite the glut of
Lifeboat documentaries,
the definitive version was made
by a storyteller so compelling,
he made 12 hours on the
national parks feel like 11.
- ♪
[PETER COYOTE] The mysterious
whistleblower alleged that
Persephone's desalination
machine was fraudulent.
Lifeboat machine doesn't work.
[PETER COYOTE] Unfortunately for him,
Mr. Burns' legal team
had acquired the raw footage
of the whistleblower's
damning interview.
machine doesn't work.
Hey, I ordered this sub toasted.
This is only lightly toasted.
[NORMAL VOICE] Is this how
you treat a whistleblower?
and Persephone now knew
the identity of the man
who betrayed them.
And the hiring of lawyers
to destroy Homer Simpson
proved to be quite the aphrodisiac.
lawyers were relentless
- in trying to subpoena Homer
and sue him for breaking his NDA.
[LISA] My dad got an anonymous message
saying there was
something he had to see,
so I went with him.
What I saw changed
the one thing I thought
could never be changed
my mind.
[GASPS] Carl. You sent the message.
You've been working
in the lab all along?
If I didn't do their dirty work,
they'd tell the world my dark secret.
I've been to 700 Jimmy Buffet concerts!
I'm a parrot-head.
"Cheeseburger in paradise"!
[LISA] So, what are they making you do?
I'm putting something
in the Lifeboat machines
called "jab-a-tose."
Well, if I may frink-splain.
In 1970,
a very popular diet soda called Jab
was discontinued because of
the overpowering sweetness
of its artificial flavor.
Lifeboat bought up thousands
of cases of unsold Jab sodas
because jab-a-tose was so strong
it could completely
mask the taste of salt.
Oh, my God.
This machine doesn't take out the salt.
It masks it with sweetness!
That's the jab-a-tose.
Ocean water enters the machine,
and when it comes out, it tastes normal
but still has more salt
than all the glasses
in Margaritaville.
Oh, my God. Lifeboat is built on a lie,
and Persephone is a fraud.
But her merch is
[SNIFFLES] solid.
[PETER COYOTE] Action was needed,
and island time was running out.
The fateful demo day had arrived
for Lifeboat to finally
prove its concept
at Springfield elementary.
The school's drinking
water had been replaced
with Lifeboat liquid
jab-a-tose-infused salt water.
Lifeboat employees had
drunk the Kool-aid,
and now it was being
served up to the children.
Mr. Burns!
The Lifeboat water isn't safe.
It's just super sweetened ocean brine.
Nonsense. My wife is a beautiful genius,
who succeeds at everything she touches.
And everything she says
makes perfect sense.
The wheel of tomorrow is an aqua-circle.
Let's make it rain.
- Buddy, buddy, buddy.
What you're feeling towards
that lady is fresh love,
not married love.
But we are married.
Yes, but the married love
hasn't kicked in yet.
When it does,
you'll see your spouse's flaws
in 4K HDTV you can never turn off.
What are you driving at?
I think you need to look at
your wife with marriage eyes.
Water is the original crypto.
Every drop is encoded on
the biological blockchain,
and we are the aquanauts
of the potable future.
This is Wet 3.0!
I don't understand a
thing she's ever said.
Now you're married.
And since you're seeing
things clearly
Oh, dear. Those children
are going to drink poison.
And the bad news is
I'm going to be liable.
[ECHOING] Liable!
what would have happened
had Homer not turned the valve off.
Sorry, we only put that
in there for the trailer.
Do you know how hard it is
to get people to watch
a documentary that's not
about a small-town murder?
Please, honey, come clean.
Your miracle invention
is nothing but claptrap.
If you can just admit that,
maybe we have a chance.
Babe, the underlying imaginary
technology still works.
[PETER COYOTE] And in that moment,
this unlikely and super
gross love affair died.
Yes, I was besotted,
blind to her machinations.
She cost me billions.
It wasn't that she was evil,
I love evil.
It's that she still insists she's good.
had finally hit the reef,
drowning its investors and employees
in poisoned water and
counterparty risk lawsuits.
But to this day, Persephone has refused
to admit any failure.
Testing showed your de-salinator
did absolutely nothing,
your company is bankrupt,
and in the divorce,
Mr. Burns somehow got
your high school friends.
What happens from here?
Well, Christiane Amanpour, as you say,
things have never looked
better for the company.
I didn't say that.
The reality is,
- you're in jail.
Christiane, have I ever told you about
my grandfather's
experience on a lifeboat?
Even that was a lie.
Her grandfather wasn't in the war,
and he didn't die on a lifeboat.
He's a CPA whose hobby is
fixing British spellings
on Wikipedia.
[SIGHS] Not only did I miss out
on once-in-a-lifetime start-up riches,
but I lost the most
amazing woman I ever met.
I think, in a few more months
she might've even slept with me.
It's great to meet you in person
after seeing so much footage
of you in our documentary
The man who sold horse meat sandwiches.
Anything else to add?
Just this.
Don't feel sorry for me.
Time to rebuild and reconquer.
If I know one thing about myself,
Montgomery Burns always bounces back.
This is my fight song ♪
Take back my life song ♪
- Prove I'm all right song ♪
My power's turned on ♪
Starting right
now I'll be strong ♪
I'll play my fight song. ♪
We also have over 90 hours of
them talking about umbrellas.
Maybe that could be a documentary, too.
I once brought an
umbrella into the shower.
- How did you get clean?
- I didn't,
but at least I didn't have
to take off my clothes.
As soon as I open my umbrella,
it stops raining.
You need a sunroof on it.
What about a giant umbrella
you keep in the trunk?
Sounds like you're talking
about an "umbrellaphant."
Can we get back to work?
Wait. I like the sound of that.
Get back.
I saw an umbrellaphant at the circus.
He was working for peanuts.
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