The Simpsons s35e18 Episode Script

Bart's Brain

Oh, man, these beauties
would diaper up real nice.
We've got wonderful news.
It's a gift we've been hoping
to give you for years.
You're finally off the wait list.
A better room opened up.
[GASPS] Hot diggity!
Not diggity.
This room is tiny.
How's it better?
Better for us. It's cheaper.
Much cheaper.
Wouldn't you rather we spend that money
on your grandkids' education?
No! They're dumb as dirt.
Look on the bright side.
You're right next to the ice machine.
And the pill machine.
And how about this beautiful view
they painted on the cinder block wall?
It's too bright!
And what about all my stuff?
You'll just have to
get rid of some of it.
And once you're used
to this smaller space,
it'll ease your transition
to a cozy pine box.
Pine? You promised me black walnut.
Oh, of course, of course.
Only the best for my dad.
What about this shoe tree?
Does it bring you joy?
It makes me furious!
I'm keeping it.
Whoa, Grampa, what's all this?
Eh, that's just all my old war stuff.
Can I have it?
Oh, it warms my heart to know
my precious memories
are going to someone
who will cherish them.
So how much will you give
me for all this crap?
Well, most of these medals
are for cowardice.
Does this thing even work?
Mm, four, three, two
I'll give you a hundred
dollars store credit.
A hundred dollars? Awesome!
No switchblades or cyanide pills.
[SPUTTERS] Damn it.
Eh, nah.
Mm-mm. [SCOFFS]
Mm-mm. Nope.
Ooh! Army comic book about "VD"?
Why wouldn't I want to
catch Valentine's Day?
Oh, my God, are you there?
It's me, Margaret.
- Is that
- You better believe it.
A human brain.
My life up to now has
been merely a prelude.
Today a prank king becomes a prank god.
I want to buy your brain!

So you see, Comptroller Atkins,
we have put your new funding to use.
We've redone the cafeteria
floor and the ceiling,
and we've added exciting
new menu options.
Today the children are enjoying
a panoply of nutrition.
Split pea soup, clam chowder,
both varietals.
Bart, are you really gonna do it?
Guys, it's me, the Bartman.
This is happening.
Venison chili, beef bourguignon,
a vibrant Indian curry
And best of all, brain under glass!
you did far more damage today
than just ruined
some administrators' suits.
We may be wearing clothes
from the lost and found,
but you are truly lost.
Today you traumatized
scores of students,
rendered the cafeteria
uninhabitable for weeks.
And worst of all, worst of all,
you-you broke Willie.
So many chunks.
What do you have to say for yourself?
I regret nothing.
I'll gladly accept whatever
book you throw at me,
because there's no way
I could ever live with myself
if I hadn't done this today.
So give me all the F's, send me to juvie
or even kill me,
because I'm already immortal.
And when I do die
Oh, shut up.
Four weeks' detention
and you're not going
on the trip to Colonial Shelbyville.
You will be confined
to the detention trailer
while other students delight in learning
how bricks were once made.
Um, Principal Skinner, if I may.
I believe we can deal
with Bart's behavior
in a more constructive way.
Turn this into a learning opportunity.
[CHALMERS] It's not a
learning opportunity.
It's a punishing opportunity.
The boy should suffer.
He brought a human brain to school.
Exactly. And I think he should
bring it to school every day.
Learn to take care of it,
journal his experience, gain a sense of
[IN SLOW MOTION] responsibility.
No, no, please don't do this!
I'm begging you!
Pale skin, sweaty lip, twitchy eye.
Now, that's suffering.
Ms. Peyton, make it so.
My greatest prank has become homework.
For the next two weeks,
everyone is responsible
for the care and protection
of a fragile and helpless egg.
Or in Bart's case, a brain.
[GROANS] I don't want to lug
this thing everywhere I go.
I had my fun for five minutes,
and now I want to move on with my life.
And that's parenthood.
Aw, man,
how do I even know this thing's mine?
Um, I'm going out for candy cigarettes.
Be right back, slugger.
Be sure to keep your
caregiver journal up to date,
because that's what you'll be graded on.
[GROANS] Using a human
brain for homework?
That's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.
[BART'S BRAIN] You know,
Bart, I'm your brain, too,
and I can help you
study all your subjects.
Shut up, stupid, or I'll go back
to sniffing permanent markers!
[BART'S BRAIN] I'll be good.

[OVER TV] The Itchy
and Scratchy Show. ♪
Hey, Bart, do you really think
Itchy and Scratchy is appropriate
for a developing mind?
It's not a baby.
It's a glop of gunk in a jar of goo.
Your baby journal's pretty empty.
Are you sure this isn't
your second fake kid?
Oh, this sucks. I need some me time.
I'm going to Milhouse's
to watch reaction videos
to reaction videos.
Your teacher wouldn't like you
leaving your baby all alone.
Unless you get a sitter.
Last minute? I'll never find
someone on such short notice.
Uh, Dad, would you watch
your grandson tonight?
[SCOFFS] No. I told you
to get rid of it, remember?
Oh, come on, please?
I need some me time.
Well, I guess
I could give it the same love
and attention I gave you
when you were a baby.
I'm sorry, Homer.
I'm not accepting organs as payment.
- Anymore.
- Nah, it's just my kid's brain.
They grow up so fast.
Guys, I just found out I'm next
on the list for a new liver!
- [CHEERING] - Yay!
- All right!
Then let's give the old liver
one last night he'll never forget.
Set 'em up, Moe.
[CHANTING] One last night!
- One last night!
Oh, it feels so good
to get out of the house
and away from that stupid needy brain.
Am I right?
I'm enjoying being a Dad.
I can fix the mistakes
my parents made with me.
[VIDEO GAME ANNOUNCER] Player two loses.
I'm a failure because of you!
Bonus humiliation.
Defile him.
Aw, kind of reminds me of my little guy.
not that I care or anything.
Boys, I made you a healthy snack,
roasted cauliflower.
[BART] Aw, look at him there.
So cute on that plate.
Maybe I should get home.
Sweet. More roastie-collies for me.
Oh, where is Dad with my brain?
They should be home by now.
Ugh, finally.
It's about time, you good-for-nothing!
Relax, Marge.
The baby's fine.
Oh, there you are.
Oh, my sweet little precious
- [SCREAMS] Pickled eggs!
Where's my brain?!
Oh, must've gotten mixed up.
Two jars.
[CHUCKLES] We were making 'em kiss.
He's too young for kissing.
I got to go find him.
What happened to that brain my dad had?
Well, years of drinking,
not to mention all that nuclear stuff,
and, uh, I don't think it was
all that great to begin with.
The one in the jar.
Oh, that. Oh. [CHUCKLES]
I left that in the alley
for the raccoons.
They'll eat tonight. [CHUCKLES]
- [GASPS] No!
Nicotine beef jerky?
I know who took you.
I'm so jerked-up.
I feel like I smoked a whole cow.
Let's mess up this brain.
[BART] Leave it alone! That's my brain!
After we blow it up,
you can have the biggest chunk.
This isn't some frog
where you can put a
firecracker in its butt.
It's a living thing,
and it's my job to take care of it
and teach it to do cool stuff like, um,
paintball and-and pooping
in jack-o'-lanterns.
So hands off my brain!
Okay, okay.
You can have your stupid head cheese.
Don't worry. I'm taking you home.
I wonder if anyone will ever love me
the way he loves that brain.
Look, man,
I'm gonna take better care of you.
You're the only brain I've got.
You need a name, bud.
Wait. Buddy.
Perfect! 'Cause you're my buddy.
Also I don't want to think
about this any harder.
[BART] Thursday, May 14th.
Buddy and I had quite
the adventure tonight.
I realized he's more
than just some dumb prank
or a homework assignment.
He's a badass like me.
- Garçon!
Another high chair
for my associate here.
[GROANS] You brought your jar friend.
Oh, I get it.
Buddy's a little different.
But he's my responsibility.
Plus he's pretty cool.
Well, uh,
maybe he can be under the table.
Whoa! Buddy's my plus-one.
Would you rather me bring Milhouse?
No, no, no, no, no.
No one said Milhouse.
Simpsons, a-welcome.
Oh, my favorite a-family.
A-Homer, a-Marge, a-Lisa,
a-Maggie, a-Bart, a-brain.
It's okay, it's okay.
It's just a school project.
Good a-news. A table, she just open up
in a-private dining room.
[WINDED] You can go into
My pasta's cold.
Everything's cold!
Ugh, this brain business
will not be good for Bart
if he keeps it up.
Oh, come on, think of all the
worse stuff he could be doing.
Or all the worse stuff he's done.
He named it!
And I think he gave it
a bite of tiramisu.
[SIGHS] This is different for Bart.
What if he becomes the town weirdo?
Oh, weirdos aren't what they used to be.
They start computer companies
or own the Las Vegas Raiders.
Or become serial killers.
But still, his odds are
at least two out of three.
Children label each other.
Bart's in danger of becoming
"The Brain Boy."
You worry too much.
Remember when you thought
Lisa was going to hell
because she was a vegetarian?
I still think that.
Excellent work
on your egg projects, class.
And your parenting journals
were really inspired.
An A-plus? I can't believe it.
I've never gotten one of those.
I thought those were just
for suck-wads like Martin.
Okay, everybody, you did a great job,
so it's time to turn in your eggs.
Whoa, hold on there.
I am not giving you Buddy.
one of the hardest parts of parenting
is watching your child move on.
To be Willy's breakfast.
Your brain can have a home
on a shelf in the school science lab.
[GRUNTS] Buddy hates science.
He's like me.
He's into MeatCanyon videos
and doing wrestling moves on the dog
and pouring Red Bull on pancakes!
Bart, it might be healthy for you
to take a break from Buddy.
And it might be healthy for
you to have your own kid
and not live through us!
I never should've told you
that we were trying!
Don't you worry. It'll work out.
It's only been three months.
Give it time.
Ah, wifeless shopping,
where all the meat is nuggets
and the produce section doesn't exist.
Ooh, the candy aisle.
Formerly known as cereal.
I don't care if he is
Milhouse's best friend.
He's just weird.
And not the kind with "a diagnosis"
that we have to like now.
My JJ says that he talks to the brain
when no one's looking.
My little Seymour says the kids
all call him "Brain Boy"
behind his back.
Hmm. I wonder who they're talking about.
Well, whatever they're calling him,
I don't want Bart Simpson around my son.
No surprise to me that Bart
Simpson has become a weirdo.
him in second grade,
he ate a booger.
I hear Bart shares his
bed with that brain.
Puts a little sleep mask on it.
It's my fault, girls.
I should've noogied him more,
knuckled some sense into him.
He had potential, but I guess
he's just the town freak now.
[SADLY] Haw-haw.
[PANTING] Marge, you were right.
Everyone in the store
is calling Bart "Brain Boy."
It's already started with the yentas.
It won't be long before it
spreads to the slaggards!
That's the whole rest of the town!
Bart is lost.
He won't be known by his
name but by his thing.
Like Comic Book Guy or Crazy Cat Lady
or Professor Pocket Pool.
Mmm. Mmm.
At least that professor
has lifetime tenure.
Bart's gonna be unemployable.
Mom, Dad, I think I have a suggestion.
[SCREAMS] Little Miss Know-It-All!
I watched this nature documentary
that may apply to us.
When a chimp starts acting strangely,
if it doesn't stop the behavior,
the tribe will savagely attack it,
leaving it scarred and isolated forever.
I knew it.
We need to protect
my special little chimp
from the cruel people in
this town who would shun him.
Yes, we must be the loving
parents who keep him locked up.
[MARGE HUSHED] Open the door quietly.
[WHISPERING] You know how squeaky it is.
I told you to oil it.
I'm not an architect.
Your stage whispers are too loud.
Where are you guys going?
Bart! We, um
We're going to church.
Why didn't you wake me up?
Uh, you hate church.
The itchy pants, the big book
of stuff that never happened.
We thought maybe you'd
like to skip it this week.
As a reward.
Uh, for being so normal.
This is about Buddy, isn't it?
You're ashamed to be seen with me.
- Of course not.
- No!
Why would we be ashamed
of our son and his BFF,
a jar of human remains?
Look, sweetie, why don't you just
make yourself some Red Bull pancakes,
put on cartoons,
and we'll be back before you know it.
Go. Go, go, go, go.
"two oxen, five he-goats,
five lambs of the first year, this"
[QUIETLY] It's so boring.
But finally some peace
away from Brain Boy.
I hate to say this, but you're right.
My jaw is unclenched
for the first time in weeks.
[BART] Sorry I'm late, everyone!
- Good to see ya.
Don't mind us.
Just gonna sit with my loving family.
That's the Brain Boy.
It's so gross and wrinkled.
Don't look at him, JJ.
Bart is troubled. Mmm.
So, what episode of Jesus
are we on today?
Is he still talking
about not judging people?
You know, loving your brother?
- Or your son?
Ugh, Bart, stop it!
This is enough!
Yeah, this isn't just some little quirk
like wearing a fedora
or being a Libertarian.
You got a disgusting
brain in a greasy jar.
[SCOFFS] My family.
You're the ones who always said
you'd love me no matter what.
This was an unforeseen condition!
[GASPS] Oh, wait. I didn't mean that.
Too late, Mom.
Yes, I have a brain in a jar. So what?
Sideshow Mel has a
human bone in his hair
and nobody talks about that.
For your information, weirdo,
this is the femur of a kangaroo!
It was given to me by Yahoo Serious!
Go ahead, laugh and point at me.
Call me Brain Boy. I don't care.
I have a friend who will never judge me,
who's always been there for me:
this brain!
He gets me,
'cause we're one in the same:
badasses who don't play
by society's rules.
We're the Bartmen.
Me and my best pal!
Corbin Everly?
Who's Corbin Everly?
Hold on.
He was a local tax accountant
who donated his body to science
hoping it could benefit
the world after his passing.
So Buddy's nothing like me?
He's not some rude, crude, prankin' dude
with the freaky fresh 'tude?
He was just some guy named Corbin?
Oh, maybe I shouldn't have been
sloshing him all over town.
Mm. I feel bad for Bart.
No boy wants his brain
to turn out to be a nerd.
Mom, I don't think I want
to be the Brain Boy anymore.
Oh, sweetie.
I'm sorry we weren't more
supportive during this phase.
You hear that? It was just a phase!
It's been a long day ♪
Without you, my friend ♪
And I'll tell you all about it ♪
When I see you again ♪
We've come a long way ♪
From where we began ♪
Oh, I'll tell you all about it ♪
When I see you again ♪
When I see you again ♪
Oh, my goodness,
it's the brain of Corbin Everly!
Oh, where have you been, old chum?
Oh, oh, let's never fight again.
[SCOFFS] What a weirdo.
Oh, I'll tell you all about it ♪
- When I see you again. ♪

Mom, this is stupid.
I don't want to do this.
No, we're doing this
because I support you unconditionally.
Maybe we should just get ice cream.
Previous Episode