The Sopranos s06e13 Episode Script
Soprano Home Movies
1 He's gonna win another 50,60K.
All right, let's not go backwards, huh? These people you run into wanna be boss, huh? They should know.
I told you.
You don't listen, you nut.
You want a coffee? I don't know-- FBI, get down! FBI, down! What is that? What? Is this it? - What's going on? - Go back to sleep.
Anthony Soprano, Detective Gaudioso, Essex County.
I have a warrant for your arrest.
- For what? - Are you Anthony Soprano? What, did you bring the whole county with you? We don't take any chances when it concerns an illegal firearm containing hollow-point ammunition.
What? Where's the FBI? Can I see a warrant? We have the right.
Oh, thank God.
Will you tell them he's got a medical condition? This is his family doctor right here.
Ask him.
Hello, Janice.
Did you talk to Tony about coming up to the lake for his birthday? Tony was arrested this morning.
- For what? - Weapons charge.
They're booking him in North Caldwell before they take him to Newark.
- I'm dropping off his clothes.
- It's a gun, no big deal.
Hollow-point ammunition, they said.
Yeah, well, he'll still make bail.
You know he's not wild about the drive, Janice.
I really think it's not the time right now.
Well, let him know we're with him.
All right.
If you have hollow-point bullets in anything, take 'em out today.
Oh, God damn it, AJ, there is tomato sauce all over these pants.
AJ, I asked for the brown suit from the dry-cleaning bag.
The light didn't go on in your closet.
Stop it, will you please? That show of force, was that all about humiliating Dad? Your Honor, the police pulled over some kid and found a baggie with cocaine residue.
They also found a gun loaded with hollow-point bullets on the floor.
Now in order to beat the rap, this 16-year-old punk claims he saw my client drop that weapon.
And mind you, not yesterday, but over two years ago, using it in the meantime to shoot at cans and impress his friends.
I gotta tell you, Phil, you look fantastic.
- As in science fiction? - No.
What? Come on.
Fucking empty compliments.
I had major fucking coronary disease.
- He's not shitting you, Phil.
- I broke my fucking gazz in Florida on that goddamn recumbent bike, I'll tell you that.
Would I shit you? You're my favorite turd.
Fucking kid.
Why don't you get a real bike, have some beach pussy to look at while you're working the heart? Go over the handlebars, have some fucking head trauma? That's all I need.
I'm 66 years old.
Anyway, Phil, welcome home.
Thanks.
Don't listen to me.
I'm a cranky fuck lately.
- Lately? - Ooh! Why don't you get a bike, you fat fuck? Ho - How are you, Doc? - Let me get a drink.
I'll be back.
All right.
Glad you're back, Phil.
This fucking guy.
How you doing? I'm here to enjoy my grandchildren, my home.
Did you hear the news? Pork Chop out in Jersey got pinched on a weapon charge.
Drops a gat in a field somewhere three fucking years ago.
- What the fuck? - Jersey.
Fucking farmers, I don't know.
Yeah, he was probably going down on some sheep or some shit.
Gun violence is a blight on Essex County, and Mr.
Soprano will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law You know what that says, Hector? That's your mommy's name-- Blanca.
Blanca Blanca Blanca.
That's Mommy's name.
AJ, can you turn that off, please? Tony.
Take the yellow ribbons down, everybody.
Our boy's come home.
- Dad.
- Hey.
I'm fine.
They let him out already? What she means is, in our neighborhood people don't get out right away.
- Hello.
- Where's Christopher? I don't know.
I thought he was here.
Hold on.
It's Bobby.
- Yeah.
- You want me to come down? No, nothing a hot shower won't fix.
Carm told Jan you were on the fence about the weekend.
I don't know.
Sit around, chew the fat.
We got the meeting with the Canadians.
Ton', with these hassles, you should make it up our way here.
You know, maybe that's not such a bad idea.
Mr.
Federal Attorney.
- What can I do for you? - You had to have your cheap headline? Can you really not be aware we've been building a RICO case against Tony Soprano for five fucking years? Then you blow this popcorn fart.
Are you gonna relax? It's just all this little stuff, like my phone has one little bar up here.
I mean, what if the broker's trying to contact me? Caravan for my house is on Tuesday, and the gas is still off.
Mine works.
- Hello.
- Essex County dropped the charges.
I told you it was a piece-of-shit case.
Two years old, no decent prints.
Santa Claus could have dropped that gun in the snow.
They dropped the charges.
Well, I'd say I owe you one, but I'm sure it's more than one.
Neil, thanks again.
Thank God.
I really didn't want it hanging over your birthday.
Can we forget already that it's my birthday? You say that and then you get upset if nobody makes a fuss.
- Hi.
- There you are.
I was starting to get worried.
Traffic was horrible.
- I've had to pee since Glen Falls.
- Well, go.
Hey, Sis.
"National Lampoon's Vacation.
" How you doing? How are you? You know, I gotta admit it-- every time, once you're up here, it's pretty great.
Aren't you adorable too with your matching dress just like Mommy's? - Hi, Mercedes.
- Hello.
It's your favorite uncle.
There she is.
It's that little girl, but I forget her name.
- Gladys? - Nica.
- No, Murgatroyd.
- Nica.
Uh-oh.
Daddy.
- Oh, Daddy's girl.
- Daddy's little girl.
- Who's hungry? - You know, a water would be perfect.
- Pellegrino? - Sure.
He's gonna pass.
He's stuffed.
- ShopRite Sparkling? - Sure.
If Frank Sinatra were coming here to celebrate his birthday, would you leave the lawn like that? Looks like shit.
He has enough lawn maintenance at the new house since somebody let the gardener go.
Oh, the house wasn't enough.
I'm joking.
You know how grateful we are.
Beer, Ton'? Absolutely.
Madonn'.
He chromed out the inner carrier.
And what I like, it's got the Panther fluted barrel.
Is this how you bagged that deer? I wouldn't use a firearm like this on a deer.
It's unsportsmanlike.
Oh, like the poor prick's got a chance against a 30.
06.
Actually, last two seasons, I've been using a bow and arrow exclusively.
Get the fuck out of here.
Seriously, it levels the playing field.
The AR-10, that's my birthday present to you.
Thanks, Bobby.
Don't say shit to Carmela.
Me and Tony almost got a summer place-- down the shore, remember, Tony? Any more stuffed mushrooms? My pop bought this place 'cause it was close to Canada.
He had ties in Montreal.
You know, Ton'.
His father, my grandpop, come into the country originally through Montreal, illegally.
No kidding? He wasn't Ellis Island, your grandfather? Nah, got mixed up in some shenanigans on the other side, anti-government or something.
Had a police record.
They oughta build a wall now, though.
- I'm telling you.
- Amen.
Mommy! When are the kids back? Sophia the 7th and Robert the end of the month.
That's nice.
I'm very lucky to be back with my family after all these years.
Look at you and me, Tony.
Who would have thought we'd have the kind of relationship we have now? The credit goes to you.
You really changed.
So I had to change? It's a compliment.
You were fine.
You're different since that stuff last year-- the shooting.
- I'm sure Carm would agree.
- I would.
Oh, look, the fish are jumping.
I'm different how? How am I different? Story you heard.
- The pool.
- Oh my God, please.
- What? - You don't wanna know.
Pradeep, our pharmacist, was at a pool party.
All the kids were playing in the water.
The adults were all around and having drinks, barbecuing.
Somehow even with all these people around, this three-year-old child managed to fall into the pool.
Nobody even noticed till finally they found him floating face down in the water.
Brain dead.
Poor kid's in one of those padded wheelchairs now.
Oh.
I can't get that story out of my mind.
I don't know why.
Happy birthday.
It's supposed to rain down there, so make sure that all the cellar windows are closed.
- Okay.
- And make sure you check the one by Dad's wine rack.
- Okay.
- Easy, big fella.
- That Jacuzzi's bitchin'.
- Who is that? That's Fran the waitress.
We're really busy down here.
- You're at work? - Yes, I'm at the pizzeria.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
The Jacuzzi and the tub's fantastic.
There's everybody.
Don't let us forget to wash the sheets, okay? Yeah, ha ha! Anthony Jereboam Soprano.
What's up? Tony seem to hit the hooch a little at lunch today? I think he's feeling his age.
What do you think it's like for me? When we were kids, he'd do whatever I said.
He ate one of Tippy's Milk-Bones because I told him it was a cookie.
My therapist Sandy, she said my Ma was a splitter.
She'd pit us three against each other-- to toughen us up, I guess.
I couldn't help hearing you with AJ.
God, you gotta walk on eggshells with these kids today, huh? We're almost through that phase, thank God.
You're good with them.
Really? I wish he'd go back to college.
He sleeps most nights at Blanca's.
Speaking of kids and Ma, Sandy said something interesting-- that when we were babies, everything was fine, but Ma couldn't stand that as her babies got older, they separated from her.
When they started to talk and express ideas, that's when the trouble started.
It wasn't that she didn't love us.
Mmm-mmm! You've been a solid performer for some time now.
Plus, you're my brother-in-law.
You get older, you think about things.
You're a young man.
We both are.
- World's still in front of us.
- Balls.
My estimate historically, in the can like Johnny Sack or on the embalming table at Cozarelli's.
Don't even say it.
No risk, no reward.
I mean, yeah, our line of work, it's always out there.
You probably don't even hear it when it happens, right? Ask your friend in there on the wall.
Listen to us.
Morbid fucks.
Come to think of it, you never popped your cherry in that regard, right? No.
Yet your old man was the fucking Terminator.
I come close.
I done other shit, but no.
A salut'.
It's a big fat pain in the balls.
Especially now with DNA evidence.
My pop never wanted it for me.
He said there were times with all the worry that he wished he could have stayed in the shop full-time, just cut hair.
To be honest, I'd rather he fucking shot me than cut my hair.
There's somebody I've been bringing along to insulate myself from the stuff that could bring down a boss, and take care of Carmela too, in case God forbid.
Now maybe between me and this person there's diverging agendas.
- Sorry to hear it.
- It happens.
Thing is, the Newark facilities manager, he's gonna fix it so we do all the window replacements in the projects.
I was thinking maybe you should work that.
I'm honored just to be considered.
Then we'll see what happens after that, long-term.
- Time for presents.
- And grappa.
I told you people I didn't want any presents, just Just a few kind words.
That was my father's line every year.
I get the joke, believe me.
"Soprano Home Movies.
" I had all the Super 8s from when we were kids transferred.
Oh, cool.
It's really very thoughtful.
Thank you.
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, look at these.
Oh, look at this.
Taylor Made, wow! "To my husband: You're not just a funny, smart, lovable, good-looking guy.
- You're mine.
" - Aww.
- Thank you, baby.
- Happy birthday.
Cent' ann', Anthony.
Oh, wait wait.
To have my health, to be in this beautiful spot with people that I love-- - I couldn't ask for more.
- Salut'.
Six.
Community Chest.
"Pay hospital $100.
" Fuck me.
What are you doing? It goes in the bank.
- We play the Free Parking rule.
- What Free Parking rule? Money from Community Chest and Chance goes into the middle.
Whoever lands on Free Parking gets the money.
You show me that in the rules.
Technically it isn't in the rules, but a lot of people play it that way.
It adds a whole new level of excitement to the game.
I don't agree with that.
When we were growing up in our house, this is how we played.
You know, the Parker Brothers took time to think this all out.
I think we should respect that.
Fuck the Parker Brothers.
Just play the game.
Out of grappa.
How about some RĆ©my? - 9, 10, 11 - Yay! - Fuck.
- Marvin Gardens with two houses-- Don't throw the money at me.
Hand it to me.
I saw that.
- Saw what? - You just kyped $500 from the bank.
God damn it, Tony! I beg your pardon, my sweet little potato.
You asshole.
- Free Parking, baby.
- This is bullshit.
You take a game of skill and you make it just about luck.
Are you listening to this fucking crybaby? How about I make up my own fucking rules? How about every time I land on one of my properties, I get $100.
How about that? How about that? How about that? Whose turn is it, my turn? It was mine.
Okay.
Here's $150.
I want to put a house on Ventnor.
Daddy! She wants to say good night again.
- Aww.
- You gotta go to bed, baby.
Come here, my sweetie.
Yes, so if you go to bed, you know what? Mommy will give you a Willy Wonka Laffy Taffy.
- Laffy Taffy! - Jan, we talked about this.
You tell me the difference between bribery and positive reinforcement.
That looked like a bribe to me.
You know what, Uncle Tony? Butt the fuck out.
In front of the baby.
They're in the kitchen.
Night-night.
I could tape you.
Send it to "Parents Magazine.
" What's that supposed to mean? When we were kids, remember? You tape-recorded me and Barb fighting.
You blackmailed us for over a fucking month.
- I did no such thing.
- Oh! Yeah, you did.
- You fed him a Milk-Bone.
- You what? You want to swap family stories, Ton'? How about the time that Mom and Dad were coming back from the Copa? That's enough, Janice.
And Ma's hair That never even happened.
And anyway, it's not for public consumption.
- Oh, my God, what? - They're driving back from Manhattan with Uncle Jun and his goomar.
Oh, what was her name, Tony? - Your ass.
- That's how we heard the story-- through her.
Rose Marie.
Anyway, my father's driving, and she's ragging on his ass.
You know how she'd get.
He'd been drinking, I guess.
- And he takes out his gun.
- Oh my God.
- Boom! - Holy shit.
Fucking blew it right through her beehive hairdo.
I can't believe you never told me that story.
Yeah, what's the big deal? 'Cause it makes us look like a fucking dysfunctional family.
- Jesus Christ! - My turn.
And don't you ever tell the kids that about their grandfather.
Of course not.
So did you guys look at her hair? Was there powder burns? She had it bobbed the next day.
- Play the game.
- Okay okay.
Doubles.
Ah, one-two-three, four-five-six Boardwalk-- I own it.
You blew guys under it.
I roll again.
Okay.
"Second prize in a beauty contest.
Collect $10.
" Go ahead! Make your stupid joke.
I got nothing to say.
Think I'll buy a railroad.
A German Shepherd's shaved asshole won first prize.
Ho-- you're talking about my wife.
- You married her.
- This is my home.
No more talking like that.
- It's okay, Bobby.
- Stay outta this.
You Sopranos-- you go too far.
All right.
You know, Jan, he's right.
I'm sorry.
I crossed the line.
I apologize.
It won't happen again.
My turn-- oh fuck, Income Tax.
with his schlong in Jan's mouth - Oh, Tony! - Bobby! No, stop! What are you doing? Stop that now! You fuck! Tony! Tony! Stop it! Ow! Bobby! What the fuck are you doing? Stop! Stop! Bobby! Mommy! Mommy! What do we pay you for? Put her to bed.
Bobby! Tony-- Tony, are you all right? Oh, Jesus.
Come on-- oh.
Bobby-- stop.
Stop, you are in no condition.
You'll kill yourself! Fuck! I'm okay.
Oh, my shoulder is killing me.
Jesus-fucking-Christ, Tony.
Is he all right? Hold it, everybody.
Look, Ton-- I'm really sorry.
Bobby, just shut up.
Let's all just go to bed.
I'll go get some ice.
What the fuck were you thinking? You're my wife.
He insulted you.
I'm a big girl.
I can take care of myself.
Oh, God, he is head of the family.
Do you think he's just gonna wake up tomorrow and forget about this? What the fuck are you doing? You beat me fair and square.
Come on, let's just Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.
How's your shoulder? - Great.
- Maybe we should have it looked at.
I'm packed.
I would like to go.
You were right.
You told me to ease up on the drinking.
You shoulda' insisted.
So now it's my fault? Go wash your face so we can leave.
I hope you're hungry.
I made a frittata.
And Ramos fizzes.
Well, thank you but we think it'd be better if we left.
Not because of last night? It's for the best.
Come on, we're family! Jesus, these things happen.
I really think we'd all be more comfortable.
We had a little too much to drink, but no harm done.
The whole thing's already forgotten.
Besides, Tony, we have that thing later.
The Canucks.
It's a sin to waste food.
Well, I don't know.
Here-- hair of the dog.
suicide car bomber kills two U.
S.
soldiers west of Baghdad.
That makes five Americans killed in Iraq over the past two days.
There are more Iraqi deaths, at least 29 bodies found scattered around Baghdad today Fucking look at him out there.
What? I've seen that sitting in the chair thing.
Come on.
People sit in chairs.
The couple from Verona never came back to take a second look at the house.
Meadow's staying in this weekend to study.
Pediatricians aren't the highest-paid doctors-- that's radiologists.
But still, what a wonderful thing to be.
That fucking throw rug hadn't been there, would've been - Bobby on his back, not me.
- What? I wouldn't have slipped.
I would have kicked his ass.
Jesus Christ, do you think I care? Oh, you don't, huh? You were there-- that night in the crowd in the parking lot at Pizza World, when I took Dominic Tedesco.
I didn't even know your name, but I remember our eyes met, and you were blown away.
I was in fucking high school.
I'm supposed to be turned on by you beating up your brother-in-law at your 47th birthday? How old is Bobby? You think those four years don't make a difference? You had it coming.
You get away with murder because you're his boss.
Oh, really? And how about the fact he wouldn't be living in that fucking mansion if it wasn't for me? I had to sacrifice my entire friendship with Johnny Sack to get him and Janice that house.
Funny how everybody forgets that, huh? They are grateful, Tony.
Jesus--! You know, you and your sister, you are emotionally blocked.
I'm old, Carm.
And my body has suffered a trauma that it will probably never fully recover from, so why don't we just face the facts? - Yeah? - Hey, T, it's me.
Just wanted to wish you a belated happy birthday.
We had a scare last summer.
Guy down the road was fishing, thought he caught a snakehead.
Yuck.
Thankfully, it was only a bowfin.
- What's a snakehead? - It's this horrible, ugly fish Tell you something, Bobby.
We had this little tussle a year ago, before my injury-- This again? Ton', I think everyone here knows you were at a disadvantage.
I don't want to take nothin' away from you, but sucker punch is a sucker punch.
So then it wasn't fair and square? I mean, make up your mind.
I think we both know what's what.
But forget about it.
I have.
Come on, Bobby, let's go.
Where are you two going? Play some golf with some people.
Oh, right.
Why don't you just hit a few into the lake? Bobby, come on.
You okay? Could turn the air on.
I'm good.
Just I should have taken a leak before we left.
Oh, honey, look at you go! Mercedes, you didn't tell me that you were taking her in the lake.
I'm watching her, Miss Janice.
You're supposed to tell me whenever you take her in the lake.
It's all right.
I'm here, too.
I don't want Nica going in the lake without my knowing.
Come on, you've been in there long enough.
Nica, did you hear me? I'm talking to you.
No! What did you say? Nica, come over here.
- No.
- Don't tell me no.
Don't you ever tell me no! - Mad.
- You're not mad.
You have no right to feel mad.
I'll give you something to be mad about.
Take her to the house, and put her to bed now.
She's never spoken to me like that before-- never.
- Probably needs that nap.
- That fucking Bobby Jr, he's going through his goddamn adolescence.
He's nothing but lip and attitude.
She's imitating.
She's got that pitch-perfect ear.
I'm a little hyper today.
Maybe it's these estrogen pills.
Well, if you're as hungover as I am That was some story you told, though.
My dad and the gun? That alone was worth the price of admission.
Oh, he was Nabolidan' to his core, boy.
Mmm.
I had this boyfriend once-- one night he hit me.
Boy oh boy, I blew my lid.
I completely exploded.
I'm more like my dad.
Than who? Tony, for example.
So, what are you saying? He's more like your mother? No.
Listen, he's got that temper too.
In the end he went his separate way.
Who? My boyfriend.
I'm not proud of it, though.
Sounds like he deserved it.
My mother, though, she could lay out in the weeds for days, years, waiting to strike.
That verbal diarrhea, when you got something in that head of yours, Janice, you give yourself away.
What are you saying about my husband? What-- what did I say? I don't know what goes on in your house, but for your information, Tony has never raised his hand to his children.
Nothing goes on in my house.
- Or to me.
- Fine.
But you know what, I take that back.
Once he slapped AJ, and he felt horrible about it-- for days.
Bobby took advantage of him last night when Tony had had too much to drink.
There is no excuse for the way Bobby blindsided him.
Tony is not a vindictive man.
What did I say? You had a pretty good success with the Lipitor, right? Well, at this moment we could also sell to you Fosamax.
Medication for osteo-- osteporose, you know, for the women, their bones.
Now, one month's supply of Fosamax, four pilules -- pills, sells for $70 U.
S.
from the pharmacy.
We sell four pills to you for $10 U.
S.
- What, are they counterfeit? - No no no.
They're true.
They're from Assurance Maladie, but expiree,-- like, old.
Change the date, nobody knows.
How much Fosamax can you get? every three months.
There some way we could get you to lower your price? You already make a big profit.
That's a good deal.
And we'll give you the first pills in one week, Monday.
What? I cannot come the week next because ma soeur-- my sister, she has problems in the court.
She got a good lawyer? Makes all the difference.
Her old husband, he wants to take the child they have together to Winnipeg, because he's some drummer over there.
- Can you believe this? - She never see her son.
Separate a child from his mother? I mean, what kind of person does this? I would give anything to be, you know, debarasse of this shit.
To have him gone from her life-- That's tough talk, bon ami.
I'm really serious.
I tell you what: you knock your price down to 35 grande and we'll see what we can do about making your sister's custody problem go away.
And I'm not talking about a lawyer, either.
Now, who does this? You pay to some drug addict? No, somebody reliable.
We got to talk.
You'll take care of this, right? Sure.
No bow and arrows now.
Ooh.
Nice, huh? Bobby Hi, hi.
Mwah! Oh, how was the game? Oh, you know, he held his own, but Must have been the new clubs.
- Yeah.
- Do you want to eat something? No no, I figure we should hit the road, beat the traffic.
Okay.
You let him win.
Smart.
Drive carefully.
Here.
Thanks again for my present.
Oh, wait till you see the shots of Aunt Gemma from the '60s.
You forget what a beauty she was before the steroids.
- Bobby, you're a wonderful host.
- It was our pleasure.
Goodbye.
When Nica wakes up from her nap, give her a belly smooch from us.
Okay.
Bye.
He broke your balls about the fight, didn't he? No, he didn't.
Bobby? Where are you going? - It's business, Jan.
- Now? - Yeah.
- Well, when are you coming back? I'm not sure.
A couple days.
A couple of days? The Salernos are coming tomorrow.
Stop fucking nagging me.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
- Allo, Natalie.
- Salut.
Yeah? Some news about this gun charge: - it's not going away.
- You said they dropped it.
Essex County did, but now looks like the feds took it over.
Fuck.
What happened to "It's a piece-of-shit case"? It is.
Unwinnable.
But fold it into a RICO, it adds a predicate.
Good news is if they had what they needed we'd be having this conversation through glass.
I gotta go.
Girls, let's do the tea now.
Pour a little for Jamie too.
- Bobby, finally! - Hey, Bobby.
Daddy!
All right, let's not go backwards, huh? These people you run into wanna be boss, huh? They should know.
I told you.
You don't listen, you nut.
You want a coffee? I don't know-- FBI, get down! FBI, down! What is that? What? Is this it? - What's going on? - Go back to sleep.
Anthony Soprano, Detective Gaudioso, Essex County.
I have a warrant for your arrest.
- For what? - Are you Anthony Soprano? What, did you bring the whole county with you? We don't take any chances when it concerns an illegal firearm containing hollow-point ammunition.
What? Where's the FBI? Can I see a warrant? We have the right.
Oh, thank God.
Will you tell them he's got a medical condition? This is his family doctor right here.
Ask him.
Hello, Janice.
Did you talk to Tony about coming up to the lake for his birthday? Tony was arrested this morning.
- For what? - Weapons charge.
They're booking him in North Caldwell before they take him to Newark.
- I'm dropping off his clothes.
- It's a gun, no big deal.
Hollow-point ammunition, they said.
Yeah, well, he'll still make bail.
You know he's not wild about the drive, Janice.
I really think it's not the time right now.
Well, let him know we're with him.
All right.
If you have hollow-point bullets in anything, take 'em out today.
Oh, God damn it, AJ, there is tomato sauce all over these pants.
AJ, I asked for the brown suit from the dry-cleaning bag.
The light didn't go on in your closet.
Stop it, will you please? That show of force, was that all about humiliating Dad? Your Honor, the police pulled over some kid and found a baggie with cocaine residue.
They also found a gun loaded with hollow-point bullets on the floor.
Now in order to beat the rap, this 16-year-old punk claims he saw my client drop that weapon.
And mind you, not yesterday, but over two years ago, using it in the meantime to shoot at cans and impress his friends.
I gotta tell you, Phil, you look fantastic.
- As in science fiction? - No.
What? Come on.
Fucking empty compliments.
I had major fucking coronary disease.
- He's not shitting you, Phil.
- I broke my fucking gazz in Florida on that goddamn recumbent bike, I'll tell you that.
Would I shit you? You're my favorite turd.
Fucking kid.
Why don't you get a real bike, have some beach pussy to look at while you're working the heart? Go over the handlebars, have some fucking head trauma? That's all I need.
I'm 66 years old.
Anyway, Phil, welcome home.
Thanks.
Don't listen to me.
I'm a cranky fuck lately.
- Lately? - Ooh! Why don't you get a bike, you fat fuck? Ho - How are you, Doc? - Let me get a drink.
I'll be back.
All right.
Glad you're back, Phil.
This fucking guy.
How you doing? I'm here to enjoy my grandchildren, my home.
Did you hear the news? Pork Chop out in Jersey got pinched on a weapon charge.
Drops a gat in a field somewhere three fucking years ago.
- What the fuck? - Jersey.
Fucking farmers, I don't know.
Yeah, he was probably going down on some sheep or some shit.
Gun violence is a blight on Essex County, and Mr.
Soprano will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law You know what that says, Hector? That's your mommy's name-- Blanca.
Blanca Blanca Blanca.
That's Mommy's name.
AJ, can you turn that off, please? Tony.
Take the yellow ribbons down, everybody.
Our boy's come home.
- Dad.
- Hey.
I'm fine.
They let him out already? What she means is, in our neighborhood people don't get out right away.
- Hello.
- Where's Christopher? I don't know.
I thought he was here.
Hold on.
It's Bobby.
- Yeah.
- You want me to come down? No, nothing a hot shower won't fix.
Carm told Jan you were on the fence about the weekend.
I don't know.
Sit around, chew the fat.
We got the meeting with the Canadians.
Ton', with these hassles, you should make it up our way here.
You know, maybe that's not such a bad idea.
Mr.
Federal Attorney.
- What can I do for you? - You had to have your cheap headline? Can you really not be aware we've been building a RICO case against Tony Soprano for five fucking years? Then you blow this popcorn fart.
Are you gonna relax? It's just all this little stuff, like my phone has one little bar up here.
I mean, what if the broker's trying to contact me? Caravan for my house is on Tuesday, and the gas is still off.
Mine works.
- Hello.
- Essex County dropped the charges.
I told you it was a piece-of-shit case.
Two years old, no decent prints.
Santa Claus could have dropped that gun in the snow.
They dropped the charges.
Well, I'd say I owe you one, but I'm sure it's more than one.
Neil, thanks again.
Thank God.
I really didn't want it hanging over your birthday.
Can we forget already that it's my birthday? You say that and then you get upset if nobody makes a fuss.
- Hi.
- There you are.
I was starting to get worried.
Traffic was horrible.
- I've had to pee since Glen Falls.
- Well, go.
Hey, Sis.
"National Lampoon's Vacation.
" How you doing? How are you? You know, I gotta admit it-- every time, once you're up here, it's pretty great.
Aren't you adorable too with your matching dress just like Mommy's? - Hi, Mercedes.
- Hello.
It's your favorite uncle.
There she is.
It's that little girl, but I forget her name.
- Gladys? - Nica.
- No, Murgatroyd.
- Nica.
Uh-oh.
Daddy.
- Oh, Daddy's girl.
- Daddy's little girl.
- Who's hungry? - You know, a water would be perfect.
- Pellegrino? - Sure.
He's gonna pass.
He's stuffed.
- ShopRite Sparkling? - Sure.
If Frank Sinatra were coming here to celebrate his birthday, would you leave the lawn like that? Looks like shit.
He has enough lawn maintenance at the new house since somebody let the gardener go.
Oh, the house wasn't enough.
I'm joking.
You know how grateful we are.
Beer, Ton'? Absolutely.
Madonn'.
He chromed out the inner carrier.
And what I like, it's got the Panther fluted barrel.
Is this how you bagged that deer? I wouldn't use a firearm like this on a deer.
It's unsportsmanlike.
Oh, like the poor prick's got a chance against a 30.
06.
Actually, last two seasons, I've been using a bow and arrow exclusively.
Get the fuck out of here.
Seriously, it levels the playing field.
The AR-10, that's my birthday present to you.
Thanks, Bobby.
Don't say shit to Carmela.
Me and Tony almost got a summer place-- down the shore, remember, Tony? Any more stuffed mushrooms? My pop bought this place 'cause it was close to Canada.
He had ties in Montreal.
You know, Ton'.
His father, my grandpop, come into the country originally through Montreal, illegally.
No kidding? He wasn't Ellis Island, your grandfather? Nah, got mixed up in some shenanigans on the other side, anti-government or something.
Had a police record.
They oughta build a wall now, though.
- I'm telling you.
- Amen.
Mommy! When are the kids back? Sophia the 7th and Robert the end of the month.
That's nice.
I'm very lucky to be back with my family after all these years.
Look at you and me, Tony.
Who would have thought we'd have the kind of relationship we have now? The credit goes to you.
You really changed.
So I had to change? It's a compliment.
You were fine.
You're different since that stuff last year-- the shooting.
- I'm sure Carm would agree.
- I would.
Oh, look, the fish are jumping.
I'm different how? How am I different? Story you heard.
- The pool.
- Oh my God, please.
- What? - You don't wanna know.
Pradeep, our pharmacist, was at a pool party.
All the kids were playing in the water.
The adults were all around and having drinks, barbecuing.
Somehow even with all these people around, this three-year-old child managed to fall into the pool.
Nobody even noticed till finally they found him floating face down in the water.
Brain dead.
Poor kid's in one of those padded wheelchairs now.
Oh.
I can't get that story out of my mind.
I don't know why.
Happy birthday.
It's supposed to rain down there, so make sure that all the cellar windows are closed.
- Okay.
- And make sure you check the one by Dad's wine rack.
- Okay.
- Easy, big fella.
- That Jacuzzi's bitchin'.
- Who is that? That's Fran the waitress.
We're really busy down here.
- You're at work? - Yes, I'm at the pizzeria.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
The Jacuzzi and the tub's fantastic.
There's everybody.
Don't let us forget to wash the sheets, okay? Yeah, ha ha! Anthony Jereboam Soprano.
What's up? Tony seem to hit the hooch a little at lunch today? I think he's feeling his age.
What do you think it's like for me? When we were kids, he'd do whatever I said.
He ate one of Tippy's Milk-Bones because I told him it was a cookie.
My therapist Sandy, she said my Ma was a splitter.
She'd pit us three against each other-- to toughen us up, I guess.
I couldn't help hearing you with AJ.
God, you gotta walk on eggshells with these kids today, huh? We're almost through that phase, thank God.
You're good with them.
Really? I wish he'd go back to college.
He sleeps most nights at Blanca's.
Speaking of kids and Ma, Sandy said something interesting-- that when we were babies, everything was fine, but Ma couldn't stand that as her babies got older, they separated from her.
When they started to talk and express ideas, that's when the trouble started.
It wasn't that she didn't love us.
Mmm-mmm! You've been a solid performer for some time now.
Plus, you're my brother-in-law.
You get older, you think about things.
You're a young man.
We both are.
- World's still in front of us.
- Balls.
My estimate historically, in the can like Johnny Sack or on the embalming table at Cozarelli's.
Don't even say it.
No risk, no reward.
I mean, yeah, our line of work, it's always out there.
You probably don't even hear it when it happens, right? Ask your friend in there on the wall.
Listen to us.
Morbid fucks.
Come to think of it, you never popped your cherry in that regard, right? No.
Yet your old man was the fucking Terminator.
I come close.
I done other shit, but no.
A salut'.
It's a big fat pain in the balls.
Especially now with DNA evidence.
My pop never wanted it for me.
He said there were times with all the worry that he wished he could have stayed in the shop full-time, just cut hair.
To be honest, I'd rather he fucking shot me than cut my hair.
There's somebody I've been bringing along to insulate myself from the stuff that could bring down a boss, and take care of Carmela too, in case God forbid.
Now maybe between me and this person there's diverging agendas.
- Sorry to hear it.
- It happens.
Thing is, the Newark facilities manager, he's gonna fix it so we do all the window replacements in the projects.
I was thinking maybe you should work that.
I'm honored just to be considered.
Then we'll see what happens after that, long-term.
- Time for presents.
- And grappa.
I told you people I didn't want any presents, just Just a few kind words.
That was my father's line every year.
I get the joke, believe me.
"Soprano Home Movies.
" I had all the Super 8s from when we were kids transferred.
Oh, cool.
It's really very thoughtful.
Thank you.
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, look at these.
Oh, look at this.
Taylor Made, wow! "To my husband: You're not just a funny, smart, lovable, good-looking guy.
- You're mine.
" - Aww.
- Thank you, baby.
- Happy birthday.
Cent' ann', Anthony.
Oh, wait wait.
To have my health, to be in this beautiful spot with people that I love-- - I couldn't ask for more.
- Salut'.
Six.
Community Chest.
"Pay hospital $100.
" Fuck me.
What are you doing? It goes in the bank.
- We play the Free Parking rule.
- What Free Parking rule? Money from Community Chest and Chance goes into the middle.
Whoever lands on Free Parking gets the money.
You show me that in the rules.
Technically it isn't in the rules, but a lot of people play it that way.
It adds a whole new level of excitement to the game.
I don't agree with that.
When we were growing up in our house, this is how we played.
You know, the Parker Brothers took time to think this all out.
I think we should respect that.
Fuck the Parker Brothers.
Just play the game.
Out of grappa.
How about some RĆ©my? - 9, 10, 11 - Yay! - Fuck.
- Marvin Gardens with two houses-- Don't throw the money at me.
Hand it to me.
I saw that.
- Saw what? - You just kyped $500 from the bank.
God damn it, Tony! I beg your pardon, my sweet little potato.
You asshole.
- Free Parking, baby.
- This is bullshit.
You take a game of skill and you make it just about luck.
Are you listening to this fucking crybaby? How about I make up my own fucking rules? How about every time I land on one of my properties, I get $100.
How about that? How about that? How about that? Whose turn is it, my turn? It was mine.
Okay.
Here's $150.
I want to put a house on Ventnor.
Daddy! She wants to say good night again.
- Aww.
- You gotta go to bed, baby.
Come here, my sweetie.
Yes, so if you go to bed, you know what? Mommy will give you a Willy Wonka Laffy Taffy.
- Laffy Taffy! - Jan, we talked about this.
You tell me the difference between bribery and positive reinforcement.
That looked like a bribe to me.
You know what, Uncle Tony? Butt the fuck out.
In front of the baby.
They're in the kitchen.
Night-night.
I could tape you.
Send it to "Parents Magazine.
" What's that supposed to mean? When we were kids, remember? You tape-recorded me and Barb fighting.
You blackmailed us for over a fucking month.
- I did no such thing.
- Oh! Yeah, you did.
- You fed him a Milk-Bone.
- You what? You want to swap family stories, Ton'? How about the time that Mom and Dad were coming back from the Copa? That's enough, Janice.
And Ma's hair That never even happened.
And anyway, it's not for public consumption.
- Oh, my God, what? - They're driving back from Manhattan with Uncle Jun and his goomar.
Oh, what was her name, Tony? - Your ass.
- That's how we heard the story-- through her.
Rose Marie.
Anyway, my father's driving, and she's ragging on his ass.
You know how she'd get.
He'd been drinking, I guess.
- And he takes out his gun.
- Oh my God.
- Boom! - Holy shit.
Fucking blew it right through her beehive hairdo.
I can't believe you never told me that story.
Yeah, what's the big deal? 'Cause it makes us look like a fucking dysfunctional family.
- Jesus Christ! - My turn.
And don't you ever tell the kids that about their grandfather.
Of course not.
So did you guys look at her hair? Was there powder burns? She had it bobbed the next day.
- Play the game.
- Okay okay.
Doubles.
Ah, one-two-three, four-five-six Boardwalk-- I own it.
You blew guys under it.
I roll again.
Okay.
"Second prize in a beauty contest.
Collect $10.
" Go ahead! Make your stupid joke.
I got nothing to say.
Think I'll buy a railroad.
A German Shepherd's shaved asshole won first prize.
Ho-- you're talking about my wife.
- You married her.
- This is my home.
No more talking like that.
- It's okay, Bobby.
- Stay outta this.
You Sopranos-- you go too far.
All right.
You know, Jan, he's right.
I'm sorry.
I crossed the line.
I apologize.
It won't happen again.
My turn-- oh fuck, Income Tax.
with his schlong in Jan's mouth - Oh, Tony! - Bobby! No, stop! What are you doing? Stop that now! You fuck! Tony! Tony! Stop it! Ow! Bobby! What the fuck are you doing? Stop! Stop! Bobby! Mommy! Mommy! What do we pay you for? Put her to bed.
Bobby! Tony-- Tony, are you all right? Oh, Jesus.
Come on-- oh.
Bobby-- stop.
Stop, you are in no condition.
You'll kill yourself! Fuck! I'm okay.
Oh, my shoulder is killing me.
Jesus-fucking-Christ, Tony.
Is he all right? Hold it, everybody.
Look, Ton-- I'm really sorry.
Bobby, just shut up.
Let's all just go to bed.
I'll go get some ice.
What the fuck were you thinking? You're my wife.
He insulted you.
I'm a big girl.
I can take care of myself.
Oh, God, he is head of the family.
Do you think he's just gonna wake up tomorrow and forget about this? What the fuck are you doing? You beat me fair and square.
Come on, let's just Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.
How's your shoulder? - Great.
- Maybe we should have it looked at.
I'm packed.
I would like to go.
You were right.
You told me to ease up on the drinking.
You shoulda' insisted.
So now it's my fault? Go wash your face so we can leave.
I hope you're hungry.
I made a frittata.
And Ramos fizzes.
Well, thank you but we think it'd be better if we left.
Not because of last night? It's for the best.
Come on, we're family! Jesus, these things happen.
I really think we'd all be more comfortable.
We had a little too much to drink, but no harm done.
The whole thing's already forgotten.
Besides, Tony, we have that thing later.
The Canucks.
It's a sin to waste food.
Well, I don't know.
Here-- hair of the dog.
suicide car bomber kills two U.
S.
soldiers west of Baghdad.
That makes five Americans killed in Iraq over the past two days.
There are more Iraqi deaths, at least 29 bodies found scattered around Baghdad today Fucking look at him out there.
What? I've seen that sitting in the chair thing.
Come on.
People sit in chairs.
The couple from Verona never came back to take a second look at the house.
Meadow's staying in this weekend to study.
Pediatricians aren't the highest-paid doctors-- that's radiologists.
But still, what a wonderful thing to be.
That fucking throw rug hadn't been there, would've been - Bobby on his back, not me.
- What? I wouldn't have slipped.
I would have kicked his ass.
Jesus Christ, do you think I care? Oh, you don't, huh? You were there-- that night in the crowd in the parking lot at Pizza World, when I took Dominic Tedesco.
I didn't even know your name, but I remember our eyes met, and you were blown away.
I was in fucking high school.
I'm supposed to be turned on by you beating up your brother-in-law at your 47th birthday? How old is Bobby? You think those four years don't make a difference? You had it coming.
You get away with murder because you're his boss.
Oh, really? And how about the fact he wouldn't be living in that fucking mansion if it wasn't for me? I had to sacrifice my entire friendship with Johnny Sack to get him and Janice that house.
Funny how everybody forgets that, huh? They are grateful, Tony.
Jesus--! You know, you and your sister, you are emotionally blocked.
I'm old, Carm.
And my body has suffered a trauma that it will probably never fully recover from, so why don't we just face the facts? - Yeah? - Hey, T, it's me.
Just wanted to wish you a belated happy birthday.
We had a scare last summer.
Guy down the road was fishing, thought he caught a snakehead.
Yuck.
Thankfully, it was only a bowfin.
- What's a snakehead? - It's this horrible, ugly fish Tell you something, Bobby.
We had this little tussle a year ago, before my injury-- This again? Ton', I think everyone here knows you were at a disadvantage.
I don't want to take nothin' away from you, but sucker punch is a sucker punch.
So then it wasn't fair and square? I mean, make up your mind.
I think we both know what's what.
But forget about it.
I have.
Come on, Bobby, let's go.
Where are you two going? Play some golf with some people.
Oh, right.
Why don't you just hit a few into the lake? Bobby, come on.
You okay? Could turn the air on.
I'm good.
Just I should have taken a leak before we left.
Oh, honey, look at you go! Mercedes, you didn't tell me that you were taking her in the lake.
I'm watching her, Miss Janice.
You're supposed to tell me whenever you take her in the lake.
It's all right.
I'm here, too.
I don't want Nica going in the lake without my knowing.
Come on, you've been in there long enough.
Nica, did you hear me? I'm talking to you.
No! What did you say? Nica, come over here.
- No.
- Don't tell me no.
Don't you ever tell me no! - Mad.
- You're not mad.
You have no right to feel mad.
I'll give you something to be mad about.
Take her to the house, and put her to bed now.
She's never spoken to me like that before-- never.
- Probably needs that nap.
- That fucking Bobby Jr, he's going through his goddamn adolescence.
He's nothing but lip and attitude.
She's imitating.
She's got that pitch-perfect ear.
I'm a little hyper today.
Maybe it's these estrogen pills.
Well, if you're as hungover as I am That was some story you told, though.
My dad and the gun? That alone was worth the price of admission.
Oh, he was Nabolidan' to his core, boy.
Mmm.
I had this boyfriend once-- one night he hit me.
Boy oh boy, I blew my lid.
I completely exploded.
I'm more like my dad.
Than who? Tony, for example.
So, what are you saying? He's more like your mother? No.
Listen, he's got that temper too.
In the end he went his separate way.
Who? My boyfriend.
I'm not proud of it, though.
Sounds like he deserved it.
My mother, though, she could lay out in the weeds for days, years, waiting to strike.
That verbal diarrhea, when you got something in that head of yours, Janice, you give yourself away.
What are you saying about my husband? What-- what did I say? I don't know what goes on in your house, but for your information, Tony has never raised his hand to his children.
Nothing goes on in my house.
- Or to me.
- Fine.
But you know what, I take that back.
Once he slapped AJ, and he felt horrible about it-- for days.
Bobby took advantage of him last night when Tony had had too much to drink.
There is no excuse for the way Bobby blindsided him.
Tony is not a vindictive man.
What did I say? You had a pretty good success with the Lipitor, right? Well, at this moment we could also sell to you Fosamax.
Medication for osteo-- osteporose, you know, for the women, their bones.
Now, one month's supply of Fosamax, four pilules -- pills, sells for $70 U.
S.
from the pharmacy.
We sell four pills to you for $10 U.
S.
- What, are they counterfeit? - No no no.
They're true.
They're from Assurance Maladie, but expiree,-- like, old.
Change the date, nobody knows.
How much Fosamax can you get? every three months.
There some way we could get you to lower your price? You already make a big profit.
That's a good deal.
And we'll give you the first pills in one week, Monday.
What? I cannot come the week next because ma soeur-- my sister, she has problems in the court.
She got a good lawyer? Makes all the difference.
Her old husband, he wants to take the child they have together to Winnipeg, because he's some drummer over there.
- Can you believe this? - She never see her son.
Separate a child from his mother? I mean, what kind of person does this? I would give anything to be, you know, debarasse of this shit.
To have him gone from her life-- That's tough talk, bon ami.
I'm really serious.
I tell you what: you knock your price down to 35 grande and we'll see what we can do about making your sister's custody problem go away.
And I'm not talking about a lawyer, either.
Now, who does this? You pay to some drug addict? No, somebody reliable.
We got to talk.
You'll take care of this, right? Sure.
No bow and arrows now.
Ooh.
Nice, huh? Bobby Hi, hi.
Mwah! Oh, how was the game? Oh, you know, he held his own, but Must have been the new clubs.
- Yeah.
- Do you want to eat something? No no, I figure we should hit the road, beat the traffic.
Okay.
You let him win.
Smart.
Drive carefully.
Here.
Thanks again for my present.
Oh, wait till you see the shots of Aunt Gemma from the '60s.
You forget what a beauty she was before the steroids.
- Bobby, you're a wonderful host.
- It was our pleasure.
Goodbye.
When Nica wakes up from her nap, give her a belly smooch from us.
Okay.
Bye.
He broke your balls about the fight, didn't he? No, he didn't.
Bobby? Where are you going? - It's business, Jan.
- Now? - Yeah.
- Well, when are you coming back? I'm not sure.
A couple days.
A couple of days? The Salernos are coming tomorrow.
Stop fucking nagging me.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
- Allo, Natalie.
- Salut.
Yeah? Some news about this gun charge: - it's not going away.
- You said they dropped it.
Essex County did, but now looks like the feds took it over.
Fuck.
What happened to "It's a piece-of-shit case"? It is.
Unwinnable.
But fold it into a RICO, it adds a predicate.
Good news is if they had what they needed we'd be having this conversation through glass.
I gotta go.
Girls, let's do the tea now.
Pour a little for Jamie too.
- Bobby, finally! - Hey, Bobby.
Daddy!