The Soul Man (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

Pastor Interference

1 The soul man is recorded.
In front of a live studio audience.
Baby! I wanna have sex with you.
I mean, it's the middle of the day, But you know me, I'm flexible.
Keep your pants on.
I'm talking about your music video on vhl.
Oh, this is my favorite part.
Oh, baby, it's time to lock the door [whispering] lock the door I want to hear that clothing hit the floor Both: ooh, ooh, ooh Bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-bah Ohh, I married that man.
Girl, you know you just love me for my jheri curl.
You guys are so cute.
I love you guys so much, And I love that you love each other.
[sighs] - [grunts] What do you want, lyric? Well, here's my learner's permit that I just got, And here is a picture of the car that I want.
Oh, really? Please, don't say no.
Oh, we wouldn't say no.
Both: Hell, no.
Will someone at least take me driving? I need the practice.
I'll go with you.
You're not afraid to get in the car with her? Bro, I'm in your car.
If something happens, I'm on your insurance.
Let's roll, small fry.
Hey, Now that the house is empty, Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Ooh, uh, pastor valentine, are you getting fresh with me? Mmm, [laughs] not fresh, freaky.
- [squeals and laughs] - [laughs] I'm gonna get the whipped cream.
Ooh! [humming] yeah.
We not asking for help, we just sayin', "thank you.
" Daddy, what you doin' here? What you doin', goin' upstairs.
With whipped cream and a spatula? You really want me to answer that? No, I don't think I do.
I'm gonna fix the toilet.
You fixed the toilet last week, Along with the washer, the fridge, and a snow globe.
The snow had all turned grimy.
I replaced it.
Now it's a beautiful winter wonderland.
Daddy, why don't you forget about fixing things, And get out there and enjoy yourself? And do what? I don't know, when you retired, There was a lot of things you said you wanted to do.
Like go fishing.
I can buy a fish.
Okay, what about go to the movies? Movies are the number one place to catch head lice.
Daddy, you bald-headed.
The lice ain't gon' have nothing to hang onto.
Son, that stuff don't interest me.
Now, I'm gonna go in here and clean out.
The lint basket in your dryer.
For some reason, your family produces more lint than most.
Boyce, what's taking you so long? You know I can't hold that position forever.
Baby, it's dad.
He's over here again.
You know, ever since he retired from the church, He has nothing to do.
You know, the ministry gave him purpose.
Now he seems kind of lost.
Purpose my left foot.
All your daddy needs.
Is a good woman and a little, blue pill.
Lack of booty makes you moody.
Look, I think I can fix this, okay? Here, hold on.
Daddy? Daddy, come on out.
Yeah? You know, dad, I've been thinking.
Since I'm new to the ministry, I could sure use your help.
Around the church.
What would you think about.
Becoming my, um, senior advisor? [laughs] You know, son, I'm so glad you asked.
I didn't want to say anything, But I noticed you're doing a whole lot of things wrong.
Well, I'll be interested in hearing all about it.
I'll be there at 7:00 in the morning to get started.
- No, I I don't get in till 9:00.
- I'd advise you to get in at 7:00.
[funk music] yea-eah! The Soul Man S01E02 Next item on the list: Church hats.
- Hmm.
- Several parishioners.
Have complained, the hats are too big.
They can't see the pulpit.
Well, that seems simple.
Why don't we just ask the ladies not to wear big hats to church? - Are you serious? - Oh.
You can't punish these ladies for wearing big hats.
[mumbles of agreement] The hats are a tradition.
The act of covering your head during worship.
Is rooted in scripture.
[overlapping agreement] Okay, okay.
So why don't we just ask.
The ladies with the biggest hats to sit in the back? [overlapping disagreement] Well, why don't we ask them.
To sit in the back of the bus while you're at it? [sighs] Daddy, you know I ain't mean it like that.
You can't take away these ladies' rights.
To wear big hats to church.
You might as well take away their freedom.
Don't take their freedom, pastor.
[overlapping agreement] Okay.
All right, all right, So I can't ask 'em to not wear hats.
And I can't ask 'em to sit in the back.
What do you suggest I do? I don't know, you're the pastor.
[overlapping arguing] - [sighs] - How'd it go with your dad? Great, great.
Oh, yeah, it's wonderful.
To see him so passionate and full of life again.
He gettin' on your nerves, ain't he? Little bit.
He's a grumpy little muppet.
Well, I could get him.
On this dating website for people his age.
He'd be a real catch handsome, older man like that.
Oh, babe, I wish it were that simple.
But you don't understand, This is about a man needing a reason to be, And it's up to me, his son, to give him that reason.
No matter how bad it gets, it's what I gotta do.
So would you say he's more of a breast or a leg man? We talking about women or chicken? We're back, and you, my brethren, Owe me for two full tanks of gas.
Where'd y'all go? Where didn't we go? We just ran some errands, you know.
Went to my girlfriend's house, picked up her and her kid.
Then we dropped her kid off at her ex-husband's.
And then, uh, you know, We dropped my girlfriend off at the strip cl I mean, her job.
Well, I'm tired.
I want to sit down.
Well, you can sit down in the car, 'cause we got some errands to run, little girl.
I need you to take me to chinatown.
To get some hair extensions, koreatown to get some wigs, And then to pie-town, 'cause mama loves their sweet potato pie.
Come on.
Oh, babe, remember to pick up my robes from the dry cleaner's.
On the list.
Oh, and, uh, I think we out of whipped cream.
[both laugh] Well, you read it.
Tell me what you think.
That sermon's gonna kill tomorrow.
Actually, I have some notes.
Just a few changes.
Changes? [laughing] well, it's hilarious.
Did you see the joke? "What time of day was adam created? A little before eve.
" [laughs] Come on, now.
Come on.
[laughs] You hardly use any scripture.
Uh, you know, there is just no pleasing you.
It's like you always However, I am open to your suggestions.
So why don't you write them down.
While I do this counseling session, And I'll take a look at 'em later.
Uh, actually, I prefer to sit in.
What? Six months ago, you were on stage, gyrating your hips, Singing "I wanna have sex with you,".
And now you're supposed to be telling people.
The proper way to live their lives? Daddy, it is my fun, yet sinful past.
That allows me to relate to the people I'm counseling.
Well, I definitely got to see this.
You won't hear a peep out of me.
Brother and sister richardson? Thanks for seeing us, pastor.
You all remember my dad? He's just here observing.
So what can I help you with? As you know, my husband is a recovering alcoholic, And he's been out of work for two months now.
I'm afraid his sobriety is at risk, Because two days ago, I could've sworn I smelled liquor on his breath.
Brother richardson, is that true? I had a job interview that day.
I was a little nervous, so I took a small sip.
Of some cooking wine.
[clears throat] And I chased it down with a beer.
And some NyQuil.
Okay, I understand.
Twelve steps are the hardest, all right Ahem.
Like I was saying, Your wife and god are your support system Ahem! You have to learn to lean on them.
During these type - ahem! What? Well, since you asked, I think the answer is simple.
He doesn't need twelve steps.
He just needs one.
Be a man.
Stop drinking and get a job.
Daddy, it's not that simple.
Brother richardson, I'm going to give you two words to take with you.
Ready? Stop it.
Excuse me? Just stop it! Stop.
No twelve steps, no hugging, no cuddling, just stop it.
Daddy, alcoholism is a disease.
You can't just - stop it.
- You stop it.
- No, you stop it.
- Daddy, stop.
- You stop it.
- Stop.
- You stop it.
- Stop right now.
- You stop.
I want you to stop this.
- You stop it.
- Stop it right now.
- Stop it.
- I-I want you to stop.
No, you stop it.
Why you turn here? Because you live this way.
Olive street would have been faster.
Too many stop signs.
I always take olive up to archer boulevard, Hang a quick left - [sighs] Take that for six blocks, turn right on madison.
It's the best way to go.
Dad, you are a passenger.
Sit back and passenge.
It's just like you to take the long way.
I guess that goes with you being long-winded.
What are you talking about? That couple's session at the church.
Instead of getting to the point, You want to take the scenic route.
Look, people need to know that we are listening to 'em, And that we care about they problems.
No, they need to be told the right way to live.
I don't need you criticizing how I handle my parishioners.
You hired me to criticize you.
And, boy, there's a lot to criticize.
All right, I can't do this anymore.
You know why I hired you? Because you needed a purpose.
You were drifting, and I felt sorry for you.
Are you saying this was a pity hire? Well, if the pity fits I don't need your pity! I don't care why you hired me.
The fact of the matter is, It's the church that's drifting, And you can't set it straight without me.
You know, this is so like you.
All you do is complain.
I don't run the church like you, I don't counsel like you, I don't drive like you.
Olive street would have been faster.
That's it, get out.
I'm an old man.
I'm not getting out.
Then I'm getting out.
I'm not stopping you.
You said olive street was faster, right? Huh.
That old man is driving me crazy.
Interrupting me all the time, telling me what to do, Disagreeing with everything I say.
It's like we're married.
Other people's marriages.
Not ours.
Well, if you're interested, Your daddy got 38 hits on cougars-with-tigers.
I responded to four of 'em.
They're some very lovely ladies.
I come by to drop off your car.
How'd I beat you here? I took dalton street.
There was construction.
[phone ringing] I got it.
Okay, daddy, let's just get one thing straight.
I am the pastor of the first church of st.
Louis, And what I say goes.
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
Unless you do something stupid, And then I got to set you right.
Daddy That was brother richardson.
He's at that tavern on 43rd, And he's scared he might take a drink.
I better get down there.
Well, he actually asked for the both of you.
Now, I suggest you two lay your differences aside.
To help out your church member.
Well, I can if you can, daddy.
I can too.
We'll take st.
Charles street, it's faster.
Charles? That's like going up a pig's ass to get a bacon sandwich.
Brother richardson, everything okay? No, it's not.
Not being able to get a job is driving me crazy.
I don't think I can hold on to my sobriety.
All right, we just need to take this one step at a time.
First of all, do you have a aa sponsor? I called him, but he's drunk.
Everybody's drunk! [laughs] Okay, that doesn't mean that you have to be.
You gotta to turn this over to your higher power, And take it one day at a time.
Oh, geez, we gonna be here all night.
Look, there's one thing certain.
In life, you're gonna face tough choices.
The only way to make it through.
Is to face your fears head on and overcome them.
Go on, face your fears.
Are you offering a drunk a drink? No offense.
If he doesn't take it, he's no longer a drunk.
[exhales] [coughs] smooth.
[gags] Boyce, he's got to make his own choices, not you.
This is not the way to do this.
All right? - [sighs] - [stutters] Ah! It's called "tough love.
" He doesn't need tough love.
What he needs is support.
- [sighs] - You got to Tough love.
Ah! Support.
Is he gonna be okay? I'm okay.
You got the problem.
Both of y'all got the problem.
What's my problem? Please.
You are retired.
And have the freedom to do whatever you want, Yet you spend your time at my house, Fixing things that don't need to be fixed.
Well, excuse me for trying to help you out.
You're not helping me out.
You are trying to avoid your purposelessness-ss-ss.
You miss being a preacher.
Admit it it it.
Well Preaching is all I've done for the last 30 years.
You can't just turn that off like a switch.
Change is the essence of life.
You have to surrender what you are.
For what you are to become.
That's some good advice, pastor.
I'm almost sure it is.
You know what? I think I'm going to be okay, at least for today.
You know, we'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow, right? - Come on, man.
- Oh, [laughs] Come here.
[laughs] I love you, man.
[laughs] You are one sloppy drunk.
[laughs] Merry christmas.
You know, boyce, I have to tell you something, And this isn't easy for me to say.
The day you told me you was coming back.
To be minister of the church was the proudest day of my life.
I felt like I was passing the torch to you, Even though it's really hard for me to let you carry it.
I guess I gotta let you do things your own way.
I'm sorry, son.
[snores] Son? Son? I'm not gonna say it again.
Let's get you home.
I'm gon' take maple, and you won't even know it.
How's that hangover? [chuckles] Baby, if this is anything like giving birth, I'm glad I'm a man.
- [laughs] - Uh, [sighs] - Well, Brother Richardson's wife called, And I don't know what you told him last night, But she said he's in a real good place today.
Maybe me and my father make a good team.
You know, people like to listen to me, But they scared of him.
Sort of like a good cop/crazy cop combo.
You know what? I'm sick of driving.
I've been behind the wheel for two days straight.
I don't care if I ever drive again.
I'll take the bus if I have to.
Oh, honey.
Sweetie pie [squealing] we did it! [laughs] Did what? We turned her off from driving.
And saved you $30,000, so now you don't have to buy her a car.
[chuckles] well, my head feels better already.
- Love it.
- Good job.
No, it doesn't.
- Wow.
- Daddy, Where are you going, looking clean as a new napkin? If you must know, I have a date.
Everybody, this is veronica.
- Hello.
- Hello.
So nice to meet you.
How you doin'? - Hi.
- Hi.
- Where did you meet her? - She called me.
Apparently, your lovely wife.
Put my profile up on cougars-with-tigers.
Lolli, you got that picnic basket for me? We gon' listen to some jazz in the park.
- Hmm.
- Here you go.
Don't wait up.
Daddy, it's noon.
- Um, I normally take a nap around 4:00.
[chuckles] So Are you saying, if I would have.
Gotten him a woman in the first place, I wouldn't have this cheap-ass whiskey hangover? You mean if you'd just taken my advice? But I'm not gon' say, "I told you so.
" Thank you, baby.
I think I'm gonna yell it.
I told you so! - Ow! Come on.
- [laughs] - [laughing] oh, god.
I just hope I didn't embarrass myself last night.
[hard rock music playing] all: [chanting] go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!