The Soul Man (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

I Wanna Spend Time Witchoo

1 The soul man is recorded.
In front of a live studio audience.
Boyce, are you asleep? Do you know what today is? Mm, I have to do the Baptism at the hospital With the deacon wedding old lady biscuits? No, silly.
It's your birthday.
Happy birthday, boycey bear.
Give me some of those sweet lolli birthday kisses.
All: Happy birthday! Just think, this is your first birthday.
As pastor ballentine.
Aw.
So, uh, lolli, I guess you're not gonna jump.
Out the cake this year like you did last [boyce grunts] What thread count are these sheets? So you gonna waste your life away in this bed? Any man worth his salt is up before sunrise.
Not today.
I'm taking my birthday off.
A day off already? I was pastor of that church for over 30 years.
You wanna know how many days I took off? All: Not a one.
Not a one.
In fact, my appendix burst.
They stitched me up and I was back in the pulpit that night.
Yeah, that iv bag wasn't distracting at all.
Look, I just wanna celebrate my birthday on my couch, A few ballgames, couple of beers.
Just me and my lolli.
Ha, I might not even put on pants today.
You aren't wearing any pants? I don't ever wear pants to bed.
Ew.
I knew that'd get 'em out of here.
[soul music] hey.
- The Soul Man - - S01E04 And you guys are gonna go to the church.
And get it ready for the surprise party.
Now I told him we have dinner reservations for 6:00.
But I'm gonna make up some reason.
To stop by the church, And you all will jump out and surprise him.
It's gonna be wonderful! Yeah, but dad said he didn't want a party.
Well, that's not really what he means.
Your daddy loves the parties I throw for him.
Keep in mind we're throwing a party.
For pastor ballentine, not "boyce the voice.
" Come on, now, boyce loves a big blowout.
Remember the time we partied.
With beyonce and jay-z on their yacht? And the time I rented out the top floor of the bellagio.
Thank you.
Not to mention the time your daddy was a chippendales dancer.
Oh! Ooh, that was my favorite.
I think he's coming.
Shoo shoo shoo.
You guys, go.
Remember, it's a surprise! [gasp] my birthday boy is up! Whose birthday? [snaps] my birthday.
I said Whose birthday? It's my birthday.
Babe, ever since we moved here and you became a pastor, All you do is give, give, give, give, give.
Anytime somebody calls with a problem, You drop everything and you give.
I'm a giver.
Today, you're not.
Today, you're a receiver.
You're not gonna do anything but receive.
Mm, I like the sound of that.
Can I give you a kiss? No giving.
You can take a kiss.
Okay, sit down, kick back, relax.
Today, your wish is my command.
Well, I wish I had the remote.
Okay.
Hey.
Yeah, see, this is how I like my birthday.
No big deal, just chillin'.
[doorbell] Oh, I'll get it.
No, I won't.
See what I just did? You see? - Atta boy.
- I chilled out.
All right.
It's probably somebody from the church.
I'm going to tell them you're not a pastor today.
Today, you're just my husband.
Guess who! It's your old neighbors from vegas! Ahh! Look, baby, it's robyn and paul.
Hey, it's robyn and paul! What y'all doing here? Well, we thought we'd call first, But then we thought it'd be more fun.
If we just dropped by out of the blue.
All the way from vegas? Yeah.
Well, me and the old lady decided to rent a winnebago.
And hit the road.
Have an adventure, you know what I'm sayin'? Zoom zoom! Yes, that's right.
"Zoom zoom.
" in a winnebago.
[nervous laughter] honey We always wanted to take a trip in a winnebago.
No, that was you saying we wanted to take a trip.
In a winnebago.
I wanted to take a trip to club med.
Robyn, don't start! Did you guys know today is boyce's birthday? Shut up! Shut up! It ain't your birthday.
Yes, it is.
Shut up! We were just gonna stop by and say hi.
But since it's your birthday, honey, go get our bags! I tell you, we really miss living next door to y'all.
The new neighbors get all bent out of shape.
When you hop over the wall.
And go skinny dipping in their pool.
We never had to ask you.
Yeah, I gotta say, we really miss that.
Uh, honey, would you run those upstairs? Why do I have to take this stuff upstairs? Because I did all the driving.
I didn't even want to come on this trip.
Fine, fine.
I will help you.
I can't believe she wants to start.
An argument on your birthday.
I'm not starting an argument.
You started the argument in kansas Would you be quiet? Is there any way we can go back in time.
And just not answer the door? The pastor's birthday is an important day.
For the congregation.
It's a solemn day where we honor the leader of our church.
In a dignified manner.
Hey, uncle s, where do you want the disco ball? Uh, right over the pulpit.
This is a church, not a gentleman's club.
Not that I've ever been to one.
So I choreographed a dance in my interpretive dance class.
As a gift to my dad.
Do you wanna see it? I think that's a wonderful idea, child.
We'd love to.
The name of this dance is called "the birth.
" [tribal music plays] What in the holy grail This is harder to watch than an actual birth.
[laughing] shut up! I can't believe you grew up in st.
Louis.
And you've never been to the st.
Louis arch.
Well, we're gonna take a ride up to the top.
Of that sucker and spit in the mississippi.
I'm not really a spitter.
Paul, they don't want to do touristy things.
It's boyce's birthday.
You see what she does? She's a fun killer.
Been that way the whole trip.
You want to go to the arch with me, don't you, boyce? It's my gift to you for your birthday.
Well, I You see? Boyce wants to.
You see that, don't you? See the way he talks to me? He runs me down in front of my friends.
Yeah, he could show you a little more respect.
Oh, that's rich coming from you.
What? Your man ain't all that, either.
I was trying to back you up, girl.
- Who asked you? - You did! Can I see you in the kitchen for a minute, birthday boy? [robyn whimpering] - What did she say to you? - I don't want to talk about it.
You know, I knew they were annoying.
When we lived next door to them, But I don't remember them being this annoying.
That's because you were on the road half the year.
I used to park my car down the street.
So they wouldn't know I was home.
Still, babe, I mean, they drove all this way.
We can't just kick them out.
Why not? I'll do it.
All right, look.
It's my birthday.
You said I could do what I want to do, so Oh, so you're gonna play the birthday card, are you? I'm playing it.
I mean, 'cause whose birthday is it? We're done with that.
Well, I'll bet you we're the first people.
To ever get kicked out the st.
Louis arch.
It was paul's fault.
That was a fat baby.
We were all thinking it.
Anyway, I'm sorry you guys gotta be on your way.
We're not going anywhere.
We're bushed.
Can I talk to you for a minute, boyce In the kitchen? They sure do go to the kitchen a lot.
Babe, I want 'em out of my house.
All right, all right.
I mean, I've done my duty.
They're about to get on my last nerve anyway.
Well, what pushed you over the edge? When we stopped at the dump station.
To get rid of the sewage on the winnebago.
I don't ever want to do that again.
Hey, uh, paul.
- Hmm? Where's robyn? Oh, she's upstairs freshening up.
That woman sweats like crazy.
Hey, listen.
Paul.
You know, I really appreciate you guys stopping by, But, you know, it's my birthday.
And my wife said I can do anything that I wanna do.
You know what that means.
I gotta do whatever she wants me to do.
You understand, right? Yeah, yeah, I understand.
I understand completely.
You gotta take care of your lady.
Nothing wrong with that.
That's all I was trying to do.
Paul? Paul, you okay? Are you crying? [high-pitched yelp] IDon't Know If You noticed this, but Things aren't really going well between me and robyn anymore.
Really? You guys seem so happy.
I'm just trying so hard.
I got the winnebago and I took this trip, Trying to save our relationship.
But all she does is bitch and moan.
And I just kept driving.
I gotta face the facts, B.
Things are over between us.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Paul, paul.
Wait a minute.
You guys have been together like 20 years.
You can't just throw that away.
Where love once grew, it'll bloom again.
So you're willing to help us out? Well Yeah, sure.
You really are a good pastor, B.
Let me get robyn down here.
We're gonna talk this through Even if it takes all night.
Robyn! Robyn! You know, lord, you've made some amazing people.
But, uh These two not your best work.
[singsong] lollipop They're not gone, are they? No.
But they need my counsel.
Their relationship is falling apart.
And I can't just turn them away.
I understand.
I'll turn 'em away.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, babe.
Look, they're our friends, all right? We gotta help these people.
- But I gotta get you out to Dinner by 6:00.
What's more important, paul and robyn or dinner? Do you really want me to answer that? You're sounding like a pastor again.
You can't save the whole world.
You gotta have time for you.
Where does the pastor end and the man begin? Babe, they're one and the same.
I mean, could an off-duty cop.
Stand by and watch a crime being committed? Or could you take a day off from being a mother? Aw, babe, why do you gotta be so damn poetic? [deep voice] I'm the poetic pastor.
It's what I do, baby.
Well, I've got a little poem for you.
[clears throat] Get those annoying people out of my damn house! That doesn't even rhyme.
I can't decide if we should open the party.
With a mighty fortress is our god.
Or the old rugged cross.
What do you think, stamps? I think the party's just about to get started.
Come on in, girls.
We don't have a lot of time to rehearse, But you know the drill.
Yes, you do.
What the hell are you doing, boy? I'm making this a party, not a funeral.
Ladies, put some clothes on.
You're in the church.
Daddy, come on! They're wearing hats! So after the choir sings happy birthday, I'll go into my dance.
I was thinking we would save that.
For even later in the party.
Like towards the end.
After people leave.
You don't like my dance? - We like it, honey.
- Oh, thank you, grandpa.
I told him not to send her to private school.
[phone rings] Oh.
This is church mouse here.
Has the eagle left the nest? Has the missile left the silo? Would you stop with your stupid code? I got a big problem here.
I can't get boyce to leave and come over to the church.
Roger that.
Mama bear can't get papa bear to leave his porridge.
So church mouse thinks we should bring this party.
To papa bear's cottage.
I'm getting worried.
I'm starting to understand him.
Look, maybe the real issue here is communication.
To keep a relationship alive, You have to always be checking in with each other.
Really hear your partner.
No, I don't think that's it.
I think boyce is right.
He's been my boyfriend for 20 years.
And we just don't hear each other.
Wait a minute, you two never got married? Robyn never wanted to.
I never wanted to? Younever wanted to.
No, I asked you to marry me and you said no.
That was 18 years ago.
I've been waiting for you to ask again.
Well, how am I supposed to know that? Robyn and lolli: Ask! All right, okay.
See, this is what I'm talking about Lack of communication.
This a big issue and you guys aren't even discussing it.
Well, hell, do you want to get married? Of course I do! You do? You'd marry me? Oh, honey, I'd marry you in a heartbeat.
I love you.
Both: Baby.
I'm good at this, right? Okay, maybe too good.
All right, all right! Okay, all right.
Look, all right, guys.
We'll set a date.
I'll come to vegas and marry you.
Oh, why wait? Let's go to the church now and get these two married.
- Yeah! - Let's do it.
- Babe, I thought we had dinner at 6:00? Uh, what was that thing you said about the off-duty cop.
Not being able to stop being a mama? That's not what I said.
Y'all are about to walk back into the kitchen, aren't you? Okay, we're here! Uh, we're here! What are you doing? Stamps, you can come out now.
Where is everybody? Were you trying to throw me a surprise party? I told you I didn't want one.
Aw, babe, I know you said that, But I knew you really did want one.
Surprise! - No, I really didn't.
- Really? Really.
You two need to communicate more.
Lolli, will you be my maid of honor? - I'd love to.
- Hmm.
All right, let's get this show on the road.
Okay, here.
Let's see, funerals Baptism Communion Exorcism.
[laughs] I'm just kidding.
Wedding.
Here it is.
All right, I know this one.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here "in the sight of god.
To join this couple in holy matrimony.
" Robyn All: Surprise! No, no.
It's false alarm.
It was just the U.
P.
S.
Guy.
[tribal music] Somebody stop that child before she hurts herself.
Well, I gotta thank you, boyce.
I came here thinking I was going to lose robyn, And now I have her for the rest of my life.
Good luck with that.
Well, we hate to rush off, But we got a honeymoon to get to.
Oh, we were just starting to have fun.
Yeah, you teasers.
You come in, give us a little taste.
And then you just gotta go.
Okay, now.
We'll see you later.
- Bye.
- Bye.
See ya! I thought they'd never leave! Oh, babe, sorry your birthday was such a bust.
Well, babe, this may sound weird, But I enjoyed it.
I'm sorry, but I like helping people.
Even annoying people.
Well, you sure helped them, and they sure enough annoying.
Well, now look at me.
Here alone with you.
Which is all I wanted in the first place.
Ooh.
Ohh! We couldn't just leave you like that.
You sounded so disappointed.
We thought we'd give you some more paul and robyn action.
Mmhmm, but we can only stay a couple days.
All right, who wants to go bowling? Right here.
This is where the preacher ends and the man begins.
Hey, paul, let me holla at you.