The Soul Man (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

Preacher's Block

1 The soul man is recorded.
In front of a live studio audience.
That might've been your best sermon yet, babe.
I mean, you outdid yourself.
You really did, reverend.
The spirit was all over you today.
Well, I can't say I was touched by the hand of god, But somebody need to check my back for fingerprints.
You really moved me, reverend.
Thank you.
What's he got to do to move you again? Daddy, I really loved the part where the whole congregation.
Got a text from god.
How did you do that? How did you know it was me? Well, whatever.
I texted him back I wanted a car.
I think he texted you back "lol.
" Hey, daddy.
Where we gonna get the money for the new roof? What are you talking about, son? 'Cause I just blew it off with that sermon.
Come on, now.
Give it to me.
That was a good sermon.
That was a good sermon.
You ain't gotta tell me.
I wouldn't be getting too boastful.
There's always gonna be next weekend.
You're only as good as your last sermon.
Well, my last sermon was amazing.
And there's plenty more where that came from.
Are you sure about that? Oh, wait and see.
Next week, it's gonna be just as good or even better.
- We'll see.
- We will see.
We'll see.
I mean, I already got ideas percolating.
I got ideas out the yin-yang.
Can I say yin-yang? [soul music] hey.
Okay, all right.
Baby girl, come on now.
I been working on this sermon for four days.
I cannot take the distraction.
Well, I could stop playing and go to the mall.
If I had some money.
Are you trying to extort money from me? 'Cause if you are, look.
Here's $20.
[piano starts again] [stammering] just take the credit card.
[sighs] finally, some peace and quiet.
I have an emergency.
And there that goes.
Bernadette's just got robbed.
We need to install an alarm before they get to our church.
Right now.
Get dressed.
And shave.
And take a shower.
You look awful.
What's the matter with you? You know, this is all your fault.
You put the idea in my head.
That I couldn't come up with another sermon.
And now you got a bad case of preacher's block.
Well, thanks for giving it a name.
You just made it worse.
That's what you get for being boastful.
Anyway, I'll get your brother to help me install the alarm.
But you need to clean yourself up regardless.
You smell like goat.
Well, thank you, daddy, for your help.
That's what I'm here for.
Oh, man, what am I gonna do? All right, I'm sick and tired of seeing you like this, And I'm going to do something about it.
What? Lay it on me.
Think about it, boyce.
Whenever you got stuck in your songwriting, You always got through it with the help of one person.
Sweet brown taylor? You wrote some of your best songs with sweet.
He always knew how to get your creative juices flowing.
That's true.
But you know that relationship did not end well.
When I told him I was leaving music for the church, He started choking me.
Then I hit him with the champagne bottle.
I didn't know it was gonna break.
But he got a hard head.
That was the last time I seen him.
I'm not sure where we stand.
Okay, well, you're about to find out.
- What did you do? - I called him! Come on in, sweet.
What up, b-money? Champagne? Are you gonna hit me with that? No, but I'm gonna hit you with some love.
All right? There you go, man.
Good to see you, man.
We okay? Well, I'm okay, if you're okay.
- I'm okay.
- Well, okay then.
Aw, that just warms my heart.
That my two boys got back together.
I feel like oprah.
You get hug, you get a hug, everybody gets a hug! My man sweet.
What up, brother? - I'm all right, man.
- How you doing? Sweet as ever.
Sweet as ever, man.
Working on some new things, But nothing as good as what we used to do.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, you remember the time we came up with the little jam.
Thick in all the right places? And they said we couldn't write a tender love song.
Oh, man, hey! Remember that night.
You won the american music award for that? Yeah, man, we got so wasted that night.
That we couldn't even find the trophy the next morning.
You know, it was real nice for them to give me a new one.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I just wanted to let you know.
That the missing one is on the mantle at my pad.
You stole my trophy? I knew it too! Oh, shoot, I owe bobby brown an apology.
Come on, boyce.
Hit me with some of them old ballentine moves, man.
I know you still got 'em.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Come on, I'm talking about this stuff.
Ah Uhh! Go long, go long! Can't change spots on ya! Whoo! - Oh, man.
- Oh, my goodness.
Boy, I ain't did that in a minute.
Oh, that felt good, man.
That felt good.
Just like old times.
- Yeah.
Hey, now tell me what you need.
Ah, well, the thing is, man, I've been working on a sermon for a few days now, And I'm just stuck.
- Hmm.
I mean, I got everything I need.
I got peace, I got quiet, I don't have no distractions.
Oh, oh, oh, that's your problem right there, man.
Hey, you've got to get out and get in the middle of it, man.
You got to go out and get your inspiration on.
Like we used to do.
What you talking about? Hanging out in the club? Writing on napkins and matchbooks? No! Oh, come on, man.
I know this new spot that just opened.
Come on, let's go get our inspiration on like we used to.
Sweet I'm a preacher, dog.
I can't be hanging out in bars and stuff.
Can I? All right, I'm almost done wiring this alarm.
Who should I invoice, you or boyce? Me.
And then I'll invoice you For rent, gas, cable, water, and food.
You know what? This one's on me.
- I thought so.
- Oh, fyi.
I called the alarm company and set our password.
It's "I'm a black ninja.
" Well, that's just stupid.
[alarm blaring] What happened? Turn that thing off! [phone ringing] Hello? Password? I'm a black ninja.
I'm a black ninja! [shouting] I'm a black ninja.
[alarm stops] Okay, I understand.
Thank you.
Way to go.
They said if we have another false alarm, It's gonna be $1,000 fine.
And change that stupid password! I'll change it to "grumpy old man.
" I heard that! Damn.
Well, if that don't inspire you, something's wrong with you.
Well, that kinda inspiration won't help me write a sermon.
Or stay married.
All right, man.
Come on, let's get to work.
What ya got? You know, I'm glad you asked.
Here we go right here.
Bam! Now, this wouldn't be a sermon of some sort? Oh, no, no, no! This is a sexy-ass hook that I came up with.
I just need your help to finish it.
Well, you can get your sexy hook outta my face.
I'm a minister now, man.
I don't do that no more.
You ever think the reason.
You're struggling to find this sermon.
Is because you walked away from the music game too soon? Oh, no.
No, no.
We're not going there.
I'm right where I belong.
All right, just take a look at it then.
- Not gonna happen, bro.
- No? Fine.
I'll give it to ruben studdard.
Give it to ruben studdard.
I'm sure he'll do a great job with it.
What's it called? Angel in the thigh-high boots.
Oh, boy, that's good.
You know, I forgot how good you were.
Oh, no, no.
How goodwewere.
Don't you tempt me, man.
No, don't do it.
Look, man, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
You know, I'm preaching.
You know? I still remember the day I got the calling.
Yeah, it was like something hit me.
Oh, yeah.
I remember what hit you all right.
[indistinct singing] Ha ha, I did not stop because of the big girl drawers.
I stopped because I got the calling from god.
I was still at the top of my game.
I was selling out theaters, had a new record deal.
They even wanted me to be the voice.
Of the gps navigation systems.
[deep voice] "turn left here, baby.
" That's why it didn't make any sense, man.
You just don't walk away from all of that.
Come on, let me sing this song for you, brother.
Oh, please don't.
Look, this is all I got so far.
I give up the fame, the game, the loot something something angel in the thigh-high boots ooh, baby.
Ha, ha.
That's all right.
That's all right.
Let me see what you got.
All right.
This is all it needs.
I'd give up the fame, the game, and the loot to spend my life with the angel in the thigh-high boots ooh, baby the things I could do to you in them thigh-high boots.
Both: hey, hey no, no, no.
Tell me that didn't feel good, man! Yeah, man, that felt good, man.
I told you, man.
Music is where your heart is.
My friends don't believe you're boyce the voice.
Yes, I am boyce the voice.
[girls giggling] When's your next cd coming out? Oh, you know, I don't do that anymore.
I'm a preacher now.
You almost finished? If I miss gunsmoke, there's gonna be a problem.
Why can't you just dvr it like I taught you? Because I like watching it live.
It hasn't been live since 1975.
[beeping] Oh, hell! What'd you do? I just set the alarm and closed the door.
And left the code in my jacket out in the hall.
Well, call somebody to come and get it for us.
Well, my cell is in my jacket too.
Don't you have a cell phone? I don't carry them damn things.
They give you brain cancer.
Use the office phone.
Well, I disconnected that to hook up the alarm system.
So it's like a perfect storm of stupidity.
So we can wait here until the janitor comes.
At 5:00 in the morning and tells us what the code is, Or we can open the door and it'll cost us $1,000.
See, if we were black ninjas, we'd be out of this.
Ladies and gentlemen, We have a very special treat for you this evening.
Who wants to hear st.
Louis' very own boyce the voice? [cheers and applause] That's what I'm talking about.
Come on onto the stage, boyce.
Come talk to the people.
Ladies and gentlemen, boyce the voice! Come on, give it up! Watch this.
Well, thank you.
Thank you so much, everybody.
But I didn't come here to perform tonight.
So god bless you.
Crowd: Aw.
God bless you.
[r&b music starts] Oh, baby, it's time to lock the door I wanna hear that clothing hit the floor oh, oh, ooh.
All: ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba I wanna have sex witchoo All: I wanna have sex witchoo [cheers] You're back.
51/2 hours before the janitor shows up.
If he does show up.
What if he never did? What if no one ever came to get us? What if I died and you were starving? Would you eat me? Boy, shut up.
Nah, you probably couldn't do it, mm-mm.
And even if you could, you wouldn't like me 'cause I'm all muscle.
You know, no fat.
Just look at that six-pack.
Yeah, my meat would be tough and chewy.
And you, on the other hand, Would be all juicy and delicious.
You know, aged meat is the best.
Say, pop, let me see your calves.
That's it! I don't care! I'll pay the $1,000.
I'm outta here.
[alarm blaring] You look even more delicious when you're angry.
How's it going, son? Not good, dad.
You ever have any doubts about being a minister? No, never once.
I got the calling at 15.
I stepped in that pulpit and never looked back.
See, that's it.
The calling.
See, I got the calling.
There wasn't nothing like no burning bush.
Or being struck by lightning or conversation with god.
It was just a feeling I had in my gut.
That this is what I needed to be doing.
That's what the calling is, son a feeling in the heart.
So, is that what happened to you? No, I got struck by lightning.
[scoffs] god wasn't messing around with you then.
He was not subtle.
You having doubts, son? Well, I hate to say it, but, yeah.
You know, I love the lord, but I love my music too.
It's okay to love both.
But only one can be your life.
I feel you.
By the way, here's a check for $1,000.
What's this for? That's what it cost me to keep from killing your brother.
Stamps ain't worth $1,000.
Hey, baby! I'm making you a nice buttery-sweet.
Sticky bread pudding.
That always makes you feel better.
- Ah, it won't help.
- You don't want it? Oh, I want it.
It just won't help.
I'm sorry I called sweet.
I didn't know he was gonna make things worse.
Oh, it's not your fault.
It's not his fault.
I just started thinking that Maybe I didn't do the right thing.
You know, dropping everything to become a preacher, Uprooting my family and starting all over again.
I'll admit, I loved our life in vegas.
Big house, indoor swimming pool, Fancy limos, expensive jewelry, swanky parties You are coming around to a point? My point is that I miss all that stuff too.
But life is more than material things, And you helped me see that.
Now, I can't speak to the authenticity.
Of your calling, But I can speak to what I see.
Well, what do you see? A man who's more content than he's ever been before.
Now when you're up on that stage, Don't get me wrong.
You are a sexy so-and-so.
But in that pulpit, babe, you shine.
You know, I don't know what's gonna happen in church tomorrow.
But there is one calling I will never ever doubt.
For as long as I live.
What's that? The calling telling me to marry you.
[laughs] you only married me for my sweet bread pudding.
Oh, so that's what you're calling it.
So last week, I gave an amazing sermon, Which most of you can attest to.
Come on, now.
Give it to me one more time.
Now, you know, after that, I became afraid I couldn't top myself.
And in my moment of weakness, I got a visit from the devil.
And not the kind of devil that you're thinking about.
With the pointy tail and the pitchfork.
I ain't even talking about the devil in the blue dress.
I'm talking about the devil in the form of a good friend.
Who brought temptation with him.
What the hell? Temptation can make you check yourself.
Before you wrickity-wre-wre- wreck yourself.
Yes, indeed.
I was tempted.
I was tempted.
But once I got beyond my temptation, Guess what I found.
What'd you find? I find out who I really am.
Who are you? And who I am is the pastor of this church.
Can I get a amen? Can I get a amen? Can I get a high five? High five for the lord! Somebody get around there.
Amen! Bmoney.
Hey, man, that was one fine sermon up there.
I'm glad I had a hand in writing it with you.
Hey, do we get royalties on that? You get those in the afterlife.
Ha, no worries.
I already took mine at the collection play.
Well Pray for me.
Yeah, I will.
- Alright.
Well, you did it.
I did it.
You know, that's was better than las week, was it? Yeah.
I didn't think you'll be able to top yourself, but you did! Thank you, daddy.
You know, that's mean a lot.
You know, it's was like a big weight of my shoulders.
Good luck next week.
For real? How you holding me like that, daddy?