The Suite Life of Zack & Cody s01e18 Episode Script

Mom doesn't know we got our report cards.
So, we sneak into moseby's office, shred them, and no one's the wiser.
But I want mom to see my report card.
How do you live with yourself? I don't.
I live with you, and believe me, it's no picnic.
Fine.
Show her your report card.
I'll just say it's from the both of us.
It always works on our birthday.
Mr.
moseby.
Did you try my suggestion to cure your cold? Esteban, I'm not rubbing chicken fat on my chest.
Not chicken fat.
A fat chicken.
[Wheezes.]
I'm fine, Esteban.
Well, you should be at home, Mr.
moseby.
The tipton is my home.
And my home is under siege! Oh! Aah! So sorry, madam.
I apologize profusely.
I will get to the bottom of this.
Shall I say bottoms? Does this, by any chance, belong to you? No.
Don't know who it belongs to.
It's a mystery.
Completely unsolvable.
"Zack Martin.
" Unless you do that.
How many times must I tell you this hotel lobby is not your personal playground? Now, since you two have arrived-- [coughs.]
At my hotel, you have been nothing but-- [Coughs.]
Nothing but-- [Coughs.]
Nothing but [Loses voice.]
A delight? A bundle of youthful energy whose spirit has breathed life into this stodgy old place? And to say thank you, you want to reward us with free sundaes? Thanks, Mr.
moseby! You're the best! Here I am in your life here you are in mine yes, we have a sweet life most of the time you and me, we got the world to see so, come on down just me and you know what to do so, come on down it's you and me and me and you we got the whole place to ourselves you and me, we got it all for free so, come on down this is the sweet life we got a sweet life Just do me a favor.
Don't mention the report cards for likeEver.
Ok.
Hey, guys.
What's new? Report cards! Oops.
Slipped out.
Ah.
Straight as again.
Wow, if your report card were a song, it'd sound like this, [Sings.]
aaay Actually, [sings.]
aaay-puh! One class was pass-fail.
Look at these comments.
"A joy to teach, "a pleasure to have in my class.
What a little chiseler.
" Wood shop.
Oh.
Zack? Love to chat.
Really tired.
Gotta hit the hay.
It's 3:30.
If Cody has a report card, that means you have one, too.
You'd think.
And I'm just as surprised as you are.
Hand it over.
Ok.
But before you read it, you should know that there's some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that I got ds in math, English, and social studies.
What's the good news? I'm outta bad news.
This isn't funny, Zachary.
Oooh, Zachary! I am very disappointed in you.
Oooh, disappointed! Oooh, shut up! But I'm trying as hard as I can.
Then why did all of your teachers write, "could try harder"? I know you can do better than this, and if you don't, you're going to spend this summer in school with no video games, no tv, and no food.
Fine.
Vegetables.
And French fries aren't a vegetable.
Maddie, what are these do-hickeys? Are they expensive, and do I wanna buy them? No.
These are chess pieces.
It's a game that's been played for 5,000 years.
Well, then, someone should've won already.
Hey, Mr.
moseby.
How you doing? Oooh! I love charades! Oh, oh, oh! Uh, a novel! A love letter! A parking ticket! Oh! I know! Boots! How did you get that from parking ticket? I went to buy boots, and when I came out, I had a parking ticket.
Duh.
All: Eye Need To Dance! Oh! Oh! He is telling us he has laryngitis.
No.
Oh, that's not it.
Oh, yes it is, and he wants to write something down because he cannot speak.
Which wouldn't have happened if he tried my grandma estebina's voice cure.
But would he listen to me? Nooooo.
Now this articulate man, with his mastery of the English language, is reduced to relying on me to convey his most intricate thoughts.
"Shut up, Esteban.
" Test? How could there be a test? Didn't we just get our report cards? Isn't there some down-time before we have to start "learning" again? Uh.
Why do they keep shoving knowledge down our throats? It's school? Yeah, and I don't want to have to spend my summer here eating vegetables and having you tell me what was on tv last night.
There's gotta be a way out.
Yeah.
Study.
Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously Ok, Bob.
Are you nervous? Because there's nothing to be nervous about.
I mean, you've been doing great in my special ed class, so being nervous would just be silly.
I'm not nervous, Mr.
forgess.
Oh, good, good.
'Cause I'm sweating like a Turkey on Thanksgiving.
Oh, yeah.
You're leaving a puddle on my desk.
Oh! Sorry.
Well, I'm just happy to try a regular class again.
Are you sure you're ready? Not that I don't have confidence in you, but it's more important that you have confidence in you.
Do you have confidence in you? Is the word "confidence" starting to sound weird to you? A little.
Yeah, and I think you should cut down on the caffeine.
Ok, well, I'll tell the teacher to make sure you have extra time on your test, and, uhOh! And I'll tell her just how confident you are.
Bob is it? I couldn't help overhearing that you get extra time on your test.
Do you mind my asking how you swung that? I have dyslexia.
Can you catch it? When you're dyslexic, you have problems with the way your brain hears and sees things.
Like, you know, letters and numbers? They get mixed up in my head.
Oh, bummer, dude, but still, no time limit on your tests.
So, it kinda balances out, doesn't it? You're a "glass half-full" kind of a guy, aren't ya? So, it's called "dyslexia.
" Wow, I never realized that other people had trouble reading the questions and getting their thoughts straight just like me.
Uh, excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing.
Did you say you have problems reading? I don't like to talk about it.
It makes me feel bad about myself.
You know, unconfident.
Oh.
That's perfectly natural, but you're not feeling bad about yourself because we should all feel good about ourselves.
Not all the time.
You want a nice mix.
Although-- does he always go on like this? Yeah, pretty much.
I'll tell you what, why don't you come by my office after school, and we'll see what's going on.
Thanks, Mr.
forgess.
For the first time in my life, I feel like there's hope.
Have you no shame? You're right.
I feel terrible.
Really? No.
Look! Now my Mr.
pointy-head is staring right at your kingy-thingy.
That's checkmate! Is that good? No.
Not for me.
It means you beat me.
You can't beat me.
Why not? I refuse to be beaten by someone who calls the bishop "Mr.
pointy-head"! Which one's the bishop? Mr.
pointy-head! See, it's catching on! No, it isn't.
Chess is an intellectual game, and you'reNot.
Well, maybe I'm a little more intellectualer than you thunk.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
[Rings bell.]
Oh, dear.
That is your angry bell face.
Do you want me to yell at another staff member? Who is it? I shall be ruthless.
"You are late again, Esteban.
" I am so sorry, Mr.
moseby, but-- you're right.
[Imitates moseby.]
Oh, no excuses, Esteban.
This has happened too many times.
I'm afraid I have no choice but to fire you.
Oh, please, Mr.
moseby, don't fire me! I need this job.
[Imitates moseby.]
Oh, very well.
You can have your job back.
Maybe I don't want it back.
Maybe I want to go somewhere else with a little more job security.
[Imitates moseby.]
Oh, but dut, dut, dut! No, Esteban.
Don't leave.
I need you.
Oh, all right.
You can have a raise.
I accept.
You're a great man.
[Imitates moseby.]
Oh, pish-posh! You really want to yell at me right now, don't you? Oh, here.
Hit me once for yes, twice for no.
Excuse me Aah! Oh, you again.
Mr.
forgess: Ms.
Martin, uh-- after consulting with the school psychologist and looking at the results of all Zack's tests, well, we've concluded that he probably has a learning disability.
He has a learning disability? Oh, thank goodness! I mean-- oh, no.
That's ok.
I get that a lot.
So, dyslexic I am? Well, it like looks it.
Uh--looks like it.
Which is probably why he hasn't been doing his schoolwork.
He must be very frustrated.
Exactly! You read my mind.
Even though it's all jumbled.
Zack, I am so sorry for yelling at you about your grades.
Oh, honey, what kind of horrible mother am I? One that's smothering her son.
It's quite natural to feel guilty.
But--it's not good to feel too guilty.
But a little guilty is normal.
I mean, you shouldn't feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
Is the word "guilty" starting to sound weird to you? Both: A little.
Gee, I wonder who your favorite twin is? That's ok, mom.
I'm already dyslexic.
I don't want love handles, too.
I just feel so bad for being so hard on you.
It's ok.
You've been apologizing to me all day.
Yeah, sorry about that.
I'm gonna go get you some more whip cream.
I love you.
You, too! I can't believe you're fooling everyone with this whole dyslexic scam.
It won't work, ya know? A: I don't know what you're talking about, and b: Oh, yes it will! How did you pull this off? Simple.
I got some of the dyslexia info I needed from Bob and did the rest of the research at the library.
I thought you hit rock bottom when you got Chelsea swartzman to give you her pudding by telling her it was made by elves who were chained to giant vats.
But to pretend to have a learning disability so mom won't punish you? How do you look at yourself in the mirror? You're right.
I feel lousy.
You do? No.
So there I was at the store, and I just had to have this diamond bracelet.
But I left my credit cards in my other purse.
Take that! So, I had to write a-- check! Rats! Didn't see that coming, did ya? Are you feelin' the heat, girl? Oh, yeah, it's gettin' hot, isn't it? Ok, I'll meet you in one more move.
Checkmate.
I want a rematch! How many more times we have to play this game? Until I win.
By then, the dinosaurs will be extinct.
Ok, Mr.
moseby.
I've gotten everything for grandma estebina's voice cure.
Now tonight, before you put on your jammies, rub this fat chicken on your chest.
And now, the muffler of health.
Sit.
The gloves of health.
Oh, you're gonna love this one, Mr.
moseby.
The fuzzy slippers of health.
The hat of revenge? How'd that get in there? Ok, Mr.
moseby.
Stand up on one foot and jump up and down.
Just kidding.
That makes you look silly.
And finally, Mr.
moseby, the drink of health.
Now, it's made from Wolverine stomach with a hint of badger spleen.
Drink it all up or no dessert of health.
Ah? Ah! I guess I should've given him the pillow of health first.
Don't you have any homework? Sure, but Mr.
forgess says to only do as much as we can.
You haven't even tried.
Ok.
I'm stumped.
I can't believe you're still getting away with this.
Don't you feel bad? Actually, I do.
Really? No.
Zack, I'm not gonna say I'm sorry anymore, but I got a present for ya.
Oh, sweet! Spontaneous combustion 3! That's my favorite combustion of all.
This version has the flames of argon and the scepter of sirus! Wow, and I thought you dyslexics had trouble reading.
They do, Cody.
All I'm saying is he flew through the flames of argon pretty quickly there.
Yes, he did, didn't he? UhThat's because I'm been looking at the video game box for weeks.
It was really hard to read at first, but then I memorized it.
Mr.
forgess said us dyslexics have good memories.
And yet you haven't remembered my birthday ever and we're twins! Mom, Cody's making me feel bad.
Cody, stop picking on Zack.
Boy, that sounded odd.
Esteban.
I know that voice.
My grandma estebina's cure has worked! Surprisingly, yes.
That badger spleen did the trick.
Oh, joy.
It's quite a relief to feel my old self again.
Ah, Mrs.
cleaver.
Good to see you.
Well, that's odd.
Ah, Mr.
Cunningham.
All the arrangements have been made for Richie's graduation party-- do I by any chanceSmell? Oh, yes.
Like a dead horse in August.
And you seem happy about this because? Because it means the cure is working.
Ay yi yi.
How long must I suffer this awful odor? A week, give or take a month.
Your results may vary.
You may want to consult a doctor.
Here.
Try these.
It may mask the smell.
Checkmate! I win! All hail maddie, queen of chess.
Great job.
Congratulations.
See ya.
Wait a minute.
You let me win! No, I didn't.
Prove it.
Play me again.
Why is it so important for you to beat me? Because if I'm not the smart one, then who am I? That's easy-- you're maddie, the smart one who stinks at chess.
Thank you.
You're still good at reading and numbers and all that useless stuff.
I mean, why can't you just accept that there are different kinds of smarts? You're right.
And clearly, I'm not as smart as you In this one particular trivial game.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
So how about a game of checkers? No! Chinese checkers! [Speaking chinese.]
That's no in Chinese.
Well, how about a quick game of Guess what color I'm thinking? Blue! Darn! Check it out, Bob.
An "a.
" I can't wait for our next test.
Zack, did you really say that? Yes, Zack, I did.
Should I be afraid of you? Mom, what are you doing here? Mr.
forgess invited me in to observe, and I hear they're serving Shepherd's pie in the cafeteria.
You know how much I loves me a good Shepherd's pie.
Zack, your mother called me, and we've been discussing your amazingly quick progress in this class.
So why don't you start things out by reading something for us all.
Well, I'm painfully shy, but-- come on.
Give it a whack.
"One supo zonder blenasher?" And this guy got an "a?" This makes no sense.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Here.
I meant to give you this.
"Once upon a time, when the father of our country was a little boy--" oh, this makes a lot more sense.
Yeah, and you seemed to read it without any problems.
As opposed to, say, someone who actually has dyslexia.
I'm cured! You, sir, are a genius.
I'm going to tell all my dyslexic friends.
Zack, is there something you want to tell me? Ok.
I thought if I pretended to have dyslexia I wouldn't have to work hard to get good grades.
I mean, you guys have it so easy.
Right? Yeah.
The jumbled letters, the ridicule, the inability to sink a free throw.
The dyslexia doesn't affect your basketball ability.
Yeah, I know, but I was on a roll.
Zack, I can't believe you did this.
It's just that you're always talking about how great Cody is in school.
Zack, I'm not going to belittle Cody's achievements to make you feel better.
You know, Zack, you're actually a very bright kid.
You're just lazy.
Is there a class for that, too? I'm hoping it's not before noon.
Don't worry, Zack.
The school will help you catch up with your work.
Oh, by providing me with extra time for my assignments? Yep.
You'll have lots of extra time.
June, July, and August.
Peak season for vegetables.
But-- ok.
I'm sorry, mom.
And Mr.
forgess.
And class.
And Bob.
Told you this would blow up in your face.
Now you have to do all the work by yourself.
No one to help you.
Just you and you alone.
Ok, if you're so smart, what's the capital of north Dakota? That's easy.
Bismarck.
I thought Bismarck was the capital of South Dakota.
No, that's Pierre.
Then what's the capital of Wyoming? Cheyenne.
Thanks.
You just finished my homework.
Like shooting fish in a barrel.