The Thick of It s03e02 Episode Script

Series 3, Episode 2

How do I change something that happened on the 13th and let it go to the 14th? - Okay, so click on "View".
- Yeah, okay.
Excellent.
Planning meeting on the 14th.
Right, well, I've got that we did have a planning meeting on the 14th.
Exactly, Robyn.
(CLICKING TONGUE) I'd be careful doing that, Terri, looks like you've got palsy.
I know.
Well, I mean anyone with any experience will tell you that once you've got a ferret up your trousers, you get it out pronto before it bites your cock.
Where you getting these analogies? It's like you're living in Last of the Summer Wine, Glenn.
Okay, tell me more about not saying anything.
Okay.
I'm just saying that we de-emphasise it.
You know, more a sort of, uh "Oh, well, we didn't realise anybody would be interested" kind of approach.
I think I'm just going to put it out there.
- Good for you.
Well done.
- Like that.
- No.
- That's the right thing.
Now, I'm not going to tell them about the data loss but just how shit all of you are.
No wonder things were going wrong before I arrived, because this whole place is just packed full of crud jockeys.
Crud jockeys? Yes, jockeys riding around on their own crud.
Do you want to refer to the senior staff of this department as crud jockeys? Yeah, and I'm here to hose you all down.
Your lunch break is well and truly over.
I thought you were at that thing with Nicola? Yes, I was at that thing with Nicola but it took rather longer than I was expecting.
Well, you'll be interested to hear, while you were out, Damien called.
Damien from IT? Yep.
The "let's not bother calling Damien from I "to see if he's made a file copy "of that very, very important information we lost, Robyn.
"That'll be a complete waste of time.
" That Damien.
- He's got a copy of - Well, no.
But, I mean, he didn't think it was a complete waste of time, me checking with him.
Well, a lot of time has been wasted today.
- He - Everything is taking twice as long because Nicola has to use the stairs.
She doesn't have to use the stairs for everything.
Only for moving between floors.
Yeah, but it's cumulative, Robyn.
It all adds up.
Nobody likes to be shut in a small cupboard, do they? Well, I'd hardly think that a Secretary of State of the United Kingdom is likely to be imprisoned in a cupboard, Robyn.
This is not Kenya.
ROBYN: Lemon zinger.
GLENN: Have you got some in? ROBYN: Lemon zinger.
ROBYN: No.
GLENN: I think you should have done.
What? And I'm now the shopper as well? I'll make the fucking tea and I'll do the shopping.
Anyone asks me to get a Costa coffee, I'll throw it in their fucking eyes! Oh! Twats.
- You've got that look.
- What look? The look that says that I've done something wrong, even when I haven't and probably wasn't going to, anyway.
- Guilty conscience? - No.
(TAPPING) Spit it out.
What? Spit what out? Yeah, all right, I have got something to say.
You and Glenn, you've been You've been seen together, a lot.
- Where? - In and around DoSAC.
Yeah, well, we do both actually work there.
Robyn, if there's anything going on, you can tell me.
(LAUGHS) - Talk to me about it.
- Glenn? God! He's like a very, very, very old uncle! He's the only person I know who smells of soap in an unpleasant way.
That is exactly what I said.
I mean, this is ridiculous, this whole "Glebyn", you know.
- "Glebyn"? - (CHUCKLING) Glebyn, yeah.
- I mean, honestly! - What's Glebyn? Well, it's like Bennifer or Brangelina.
Glebyn? So, you've been thinking.
I'm wondering after last week whether I need to re-launch? No.
Re-launches are very 1990-Oasis, Nicola.
This is 20-fucking now! Re-launch is Football's Coming Home, you know, Four Weddings and a Fucking Gulf War.
"The blunders of DohSAC.
" With an H in the middle.
You know, like in The Simpsons? - Hmm.
- The yellow one says it.
"The witless utterings of Nicola Murray, - "hapless figurehead - "Hapless figurehead - "for DoSAC's sinking - "for DoSAC's sinking sh" "DoSAC's sinking ship, may be an entertaining diversion "from the grim reality of austerity politics "but it's surely time to ask, what is she for and what is DoSAC for?" (SIGHS) God! How would they like it, journalists, you know, if Nicola were to make a speech saying, "Surely it's time to ask what are journalists for?" Yeah, well, that would be a bit of a high-risk strategy.
Journalists, they look honest from a distance.
- Hmm.
- You get up close, all you can see is adulterers' eyes.
Yeah, well, you don't need to tell me.
I know all about that.
Mmm.
They pretend to like you just to get information from you and then they twist the truth.
Yeah, and then they blame it on you.
Yeah, and then it's all (IN MAN'S VOICE) "Are you free this evening?" And you know, "Can I sleep over on your couch?" And then it's a bit of, "Ooh! What about a cuddle?" And then it's, "Sorry, had to dash off early, early shift.
" And then it's, "Sorry, he doesn't work here any more.
" Fucking bastards!