The Thick of It s03e06 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 6
Okay.
Change of plan.
Secretary of State wants to do the interview in front of the sign so you're gonna have to just bog off, okay? Morning, Olly, how's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all? No.
I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung under.
First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted till, I'd say, seven? Yeah, well, I do have a life, Olly.
Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life.
What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? - Morning.
- OLLY: Hello.
Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? No, I had to get in early anyway because the BBC man's coming.
Are you wearing trainers? (CHUCKLES) You are wearing trainers.
- Yes.
- Yes.
(CHUCKLES) If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
- Well, I don't see there's any - This colour for healthy breath.
- Morning.
Morning.
- Oh! - Do please let me - Oh! - Thank you very much.
- Would you like me to take your coffee? Oh, no.
I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
- Hmm.
- Well, it will dehydrate you.
- Good-o.
- Mojito Murray, they now call her.
You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar.
She's like Gazza at Euro '96.
(MIMICKING GULPING) I really love the division of labour in this place.
I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm.
Would you like some help with your makeup? - Um I'm wearing makeup.
- OLLY: What? NICOLA: So this interview, who's coming? TERRl: Ten O'Clock News? Okay.
Who? Nick Robinson? Not Nick.
He's away with the PM on the world tour.
- No it's It's Gavin.
- Gavin Esler? Gavin Boyes.
- Who the hell is Gavin Boyes? - Well, he's up and coming.
In what? Gay porn? I'm launching the Fourth Sector Initiative.
It's the centrepiece of my political career.
I don't want to do it with some fucking Newsround press packer.
It says here on Google that Gavin Boyes is the State Wrestling Champion for West Virginia.
The launch tonight, Terri, how many journos have we got coming? We've got confirmed four.
- Four? - Four? That's one per sector.
This is not something that we are ashamed of.
We're not launching a new leper colony.
Okay.
No problem.
I'm just going to go down and collect Gavin and his boys.
- Welcome to DoSAC, Gavin.
Yes.
- Thank you.
- Gavin Boyes? - Yeah.
I'm Glenn Cullen.
No need for me to get up.
Right.
Nice to meet you.
Gavin seems very nice, very young Oh, good.
Is this the way to the face-painting tent? I was hoping I could be a tiger, maybe.
I told you you'd overdone it with the makeup.
Nicola, honestly, with the lights, you do need a lot on.
Take a bit off, really.
I'm going to start slurring my words in a minute.
It looks great.
- NICOLA: Gavin Boyes.
Hello.
- Gavin Boyes.
Hi.
- Just pop you over there.
- Yes, of course.
Yeah.
Well, let's start with an easy one.
- Uh - Just relax.
- Yes, I was.
Thank you.
- Nicola, just relax.
So, Secretary of State, could you explain in brief what your launch tonight is all about? Well, Gavin, the Fourth Sector is really about empowering ordinary people to give a little bit extra and thus create something extraord I'm so sorry.
Can I just - Just one second.
Sorry.
Terri? - You all right? (WHISPERS) You're very close and you're just kind of staring at me.
Sort of a big dead-eyed shark and it's making me tense.
Sure.
Sure.
Sorry.
Where were we, Gavin? So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? - Is it a Malc plan? - Could be.
Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him.
Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you going to do when the shit goes down, then? Oh, plenty of options, Olly.
You could be a Beefeater.
Do you want to be a Beefeater? Don't you worry about me, Olly.
I've got contacts.
What do you mean, "Don't worry about me"? Are you big in Japan or something? What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? I am going to stand in the election.
Are you Are you serious? I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list.
Fucking hell.
You on a massive poster.
What's your slogan going to be? "He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.
" How about that? Actually, I'm pretty excited about this.
Sort of hard to take on board.
It's like being told your dad's gay or something.
I am strangely really proud of you.
The Prime Minister fully endorses my Fourth Sector Initiative.
I know that's something he's really squarely behind.
Surely you can't ignore the naysayers who say he's a lame duck.
He's not fit for the job.
I believe that Tom is absolutely the best man for the job, and I think we should all just let him get on with doing that job.
What's morale like in the party? Sorry, um, one sec.
I said best man for the job, I think, didn't I? I need to say "best person".
It's kind of the same.
I mean, you'd have to be very PC to pick a hole in that.
So you don't want to give the impression that you'd like to see a female leader.
Uh, I mean, yes, absolutely.
At some point I would love there to be a female leader.
But that point isn't reached yet, you know.
And I believe that the current Prime Minister is absolutely the best person, - uh, for the job.
- TERRl: Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
- Yep.
Got it.
- Best person for the job.
- Great.
- You did get that, did you? - You got the end? - Yeah.
Yeah.
We got all we need.
- Thanks very much indeed.
- Okay.
(MOUTHING) It was perfect.
It wasn't perfect 'cause I said best man and then I corrected to person.
You just kept going, "Uh!" I wouldn't, you know, give it a second thought, honestly.
Yes, well, give our very best to john Craven and Dexter Fletcher.
Right.
So, Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
Oh, great.
I'm flypaper for dickheads today.
Right.
I'm going to get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup.
GLENN: Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
OLLY: Ben 10! Benstrual cycle.
Ben on the 4th of July.
Olly put the kettle on, on the good ship Olly-pop, Olled Lang Syne How are things going at the, uh, Department of Education Education Education? There's shit going up the foot pump, Olly.
Mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
Well, Robin Hood was a hero.
No, he was not a hero.
He was a terrorist.
You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea.
This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night, well, that sounds very similar.
Very, very - Almost identical in fact - Right.
Yes.
to my Unify Policy that I was working on here until I was booted out by knicker-face.
- Right.
Where is Jenni Murray? - No.
Well, she's I really wouldn't go in - Oh, God.
Jesus! - NICOLA: Oh! Yes.
She's just been doing an interview there, Ben.
What? An interview for what? FHM? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally.
- Yeah.
I really - BEN: I'm very sorry again Let's not talk about it ever again.
I will forget - Right.
What do you want? everything I've seen.
Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative.
I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived.
Malcolm's calling.
I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to? Yes.
He's away.
He's in Spain.
Just ignore Malcolm.
- Ignore Malcolm? - Yeah.
What can he do? Olly, mate.
Olly, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you've hurt yourself.
I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know.
Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face.
Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s.
Malcolm, I can explain.
Olly, thank God that you're safe.
Sorry.
That's from me, Cack Ephron.
What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies, through Olly.
Is this true, the little man in the red and yellow car? - No - I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
Well, listen, I am telling you to unthink the unthinkable.
Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
- Why are you even here? - TERRl: Hello, Malcolm.
- Oh, you look a bit tired.
- Yeah.
You look incompetent.
Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy.
Well, actually, Lucille Ballbag, I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview.
A bit late for that.
Terri, I fucking emailed you and I told you to move it to later because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh.
Right? - Well - And there it is.
It didn't fuck It didn't fucking send.
- Ah! - It didn't send, right? There you go.
You just owe me an apology, that's all.
- I'm sorry? - That's the one.
That wasn't an apology.
That was a "pardon? I'm sorry".
Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour.
Hmm.
Big beast.
Tiny fucking rodent, more like.
He's part of the larger problem.
Which is? Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like, it's like - the break-up of The Beatles, right? - Hmm.
During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking Jordan's getting divorced from that bloke.
All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah? - Anyway, this interview, right? - Mmm-hmm.
- How did it go? - (STUTTERING) It's a small - (PHONE RINGING) - Sorry, Malcolm.
Can I? Sorry.
They wanted to talk Tom, and I said that he was the best man for the job.
Yeah, well, so what? I mean, it's the BBC.
It's not fucking Spare Rib, is it? I thought it might sound like I thought I was the best woman for the job.
Listen, Nicola, no offence, but you're not leadership material, yeah? I mean, fucking curtain material in that outfit, but you know.
Right.
The BBC have put it on the website.
You saying that the PM's the best man for the job.
- Shit.
- Yeah.
And they're saying that you fired the starter pistol on a new leadership bid.
- OLLY: I've got it on here.
- I mean, yes.
Absolutely.
At some point, I would love there to be a female leader.
But I believe that the current Prime Minister is absolutely the best man for the job.
No! I said "person" and you went "huh" over it.
- This is bad.
- It wasn't on a microphone - It is fucking bad.
- I know that.
Terri, get on to the BBC, fucking nuke them.
- Nuke them and rebuke them.
- Yep.
Got it.
Malcolm, maybe we're making matters worse.
We're making them think we've got a live one.
I just think we're overreacting.
No, no, no, no, no.
We nip this in the fucking knackers now, okay? It's been a wonderful experience here.
I think I'll leave you all to it.
My work here is done.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no.
You're staying here, mate.
I'm not staying here.
You haven't even got biscuits here.
You stay here, right? The situation's fucking febrile.
You don't fucking know what febrile means.
- No.
- No, you don't.
It means there are going to be hysterical journalists, right? Watching every fucking move we make.
So I want you unplugged from the mains until the danger's past.
TERRl: Right.
There's a few journalists out there already.
See? See, there you are.
It's a fucking feeding frenzy.
Yeah.
Well, not in here, it's not.
Don't panic, Orca.
We'll get sandwiches, okay? - How many are there there? - OLLY: Eight.
Right.
Eight constitutes a lockdown.
Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown.
Right now.
Oh, come off it.
We're not in a prison drama, are we? We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking Shawshank Redemption, right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.
Right, people, nobody move.
Right.
Nobody move, nobody gets fucking truncheoned in the face.
This is a lockdown, right? What that means is this office is now an isolation unit.
Do not use the phones.
No fucking emails.
No phones, Glenn.
Come on.
I've got to go.
Bye.
- Terri? - Yes.
- I'm here.
- Get on the phone to the fucking BBC.
Come on.
Everybody else, stay Chaplin.
Is that trainers that she's wearing? Are you wearing fucking trainers? You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
(MOBILE RINGING) Steve, oh, the man himself.
Yes, what is it? It's like wet play, isn't it? Queen to knight four.
I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn.
I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
- Do you mind? - Oh, what? Can you not multitask, Deep Beige? (CHUCKLES) What, check? Oh! - Fuck you.
- Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.
Excuse me.
(JOURNALISTS CLAMOURING) Oh, that's what we need, yes.
The one-man smarmy army.
Malcolm, is it George Alagiah? - What? What? - NICOLA: Fuck.
It's George Alagiah! - Is he here for me? - What? George Alagiah's here for me.
They're going to use everything now.
It's just going to be a free-for-all.
They're going to They're even going to dig out that picture of me at the sports day looking like Catweazle with learning difficulties.
GLENN: "Nicola Murray will today later use a policy speech "to announce her candidacy.
" Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening.
Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot.
I know that she's in the cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action but hardly likely to score a goal.
That No! That How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.
NICOLA: You're really enjoying this, aren't you, Ben? You haven't had this much fun since you went to Cadbury World.
Oh, come on, Nicola, you've got to admit, from the outside, it's pretty funny.
I mean, the Prime Minister goes away and you're dressed up as one of the ThunderCats.
(COUGHS) So awful, isn't it, some of the things people write on these comments.
Oh! I mean, they are, totally.
So cruel, isn't it? "Nicola Murray is staging a leadership bid.
"Who is Nicola Murray? I have literally never heard of her.
"She doesn't exist.
" "I would rather cut off my hands than vote for that disgrace.
" "Does anyone else here think she looks like Heath Ledger "in The Dark Knight?" Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today? Did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk? No.
- Yes, a bit.
- What are you saying? Just, you know, "Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister.
"Have a look at this clip of her online staking her bid.
" You treacherous shit.
Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
Why are you doing this? Because I'm bored, it's funny and and I hate you.
There you are.
The holy trinity of why.
Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion.
- Right.
Bit of good news.
- What? - Two bits, actually.
Um - Enough.
Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts.
So, one at a time.
Private Godfrey, get to your station.
I want to hear what the word is on the street.
All right.
"Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out.
"Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.
" Right.
I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen.
And get myself a sandwich.
I'm fucking starving.
What did I just fucking say? What did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time.
Stand up.
I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking come.
Stand the fuck up! Fucking move, right! See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys.
Play with that.
Go and stand in that fucking corner.
Stand over there, right? And do not move or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you with a fucking rusty spade and I'll have your kidneys for fucking cufflinks.
Terri, good news, I believe.
You were about to tell us some good fucking news.
What the fuck is it? Right.
Yeah, okay.
Uh, well according to my online tracker, the pizza is here.
- Hooray! - And the second bit is that The Mail is backing Nicola's leadership bid because of the stand she's taken against shoddy journalism at the BBC.
What? No wonder George Alagiah's here.
He'll probably come at me with a fucking Stanley knife.
I knew this would happen.
I actually fucking said this would happen, Malcolm.
What do we do now? Hello? Say something.
(MOBILE RINGING) Oh, Steve.
Hi, there.
I'm going to slip into a diabetic coma at this rate.
- (MOBILE PHONE RINGING) - Shit! Better take this elsewhere.
OLLY: Hey, Ben, sorry you don't have your magic drawer any more.
- I think I might.
I think I do.
- What? - Fuck, if it's still there - It's been four months, Ben, it can't still be there.
Well, who's going to know? Look, I've hidden it OLLY: Well, I know.
BEN: (LAUGHS) Get in! - Sweet giver of blood sugar.
Mmm.
- TERRl: Right.
I'm going to go down personally and pick up the pizza myself.
Can you do savoury after sweet? Is that - Yes.
- Right.
Okay.
Tom is as mad as a dickless dog.
Right? He is specifically very, very fucking angry at you, Nicola.
- Oh, fantastic.
- Uh, then we should cancel tonight? - Tonight? What's tonight? - OLLY: Well, - it's the Fourth Sector - It's the Fourth Sector It's my Fourth Sector launch.
Are these going down to the room? Don't fuck with that Just fucking - I thought you - One at a time, right? Terri, get the minister's car.
Downstairs.
Right now.
- Right.
Why? - Right.
Never mind fucking why.
Just fucking do it, Holly Golightly.
Come on.
Nicola, I want you to go down there and I just want you to pretend that you've got an appointment to go to.
And this is what you say, right? - Say? - You are not challenging Tom at all.
- Oh, fuck.
- Tom is the man to lead the country through this difficult crisis, right? Tom is the man of the moment.
Then you get in your car and you just fucking drive about, go and do some sightseeing or attach a hose pipe to the exhaust, whatever.
Nicola Murray is fucking coming, okay? See, you? Get me a fucking Curly Wurly, right? - Would you like a bit of concealer? - No.
No.
This is it.
It's going to work.
Okay, get out there.
- He's the man of the moment.
- You've got the confidence.
That's it.
- He's the man of the moment.
- Look at that gait.
- I'll be there.
- You can't buy that.
That's fucking class.
Nicola Murray is back.
She's back.
She's back on track.
It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted.
Look, a Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
Your hands have got bigger.
I'm going for it.
Okay jOURNALISTS: Mrs Murray (ALL CLAMOURING) REPORTER 1: Does the Prime Minister have your full support? NICOLA: He absolutely does.
Yes.
REPORTER 2: So does Mr Cullen have your support, too? Uh Uh, sorry.
What? Glenn Cullen.
Are you backing his campaign to be an MP? NICOLA: I don't know what that's about.
(CHUCKLES) Glenn? - Who are you backing? - There is nothing.
I'm backing the Prime Minister.
The Prime Minister is absolutely the right man for the moment.
- Not for the moment.
- For the moment? That's the worst possible thing that you could say here.
Terri, get the dozy giblet back in here.
Get her back in here.
Don't let her get in the car.
You've got to come back out.
Malcolm says - Shit.
- We've got pizza in there.
Thank you.
REPORTER 3: Have you changed your mind? Does he have your full backing? Yes, I do.
The Prime Minister, as I said, is the right man for the moment.
Oh, not again.
First class media work there.
- TERRl: Pizza! - Ooh! Good.
- Well done.
- That was utterly humiliating.
- For fuck's sake, Malcolm! - Shouldn't that be "of fuck's sake"? - I don't know what you're taking about.
- May I just quote it to you? "The Prime Minister is the right man for the moment.
" Yeah.
That's what you told me to say.
Of the moment.
Of the moment.
I told you to say of the fucking moment.
It's a huge difference between me saying to you, "Nicola, I would like to go for a lovely walk with you" and, "Nicola, I would like to make a hat out of your fucking entrails.
" (MOBILE RINGS) Excuse me.
Steven.
Yes.
Well, you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? You, Glenn.
So, here's a thing.
Apparently, you're going to be an MP.
You didn't talk to me about that.
Glenn's not standing, don't be silly.
- Go on, tell her.
- Go on.
Tell me more.
Terri, can I just get a word in? Look at this, takeaway and a fight.
All I need now is a hand job in a bus shelter, - I've had the great British night out.
- Oh! Excuse me.
I'm off for a doze.
Nicola, I know we're not allowed to take any calls but this is your husband.
Fine.
Thank you.
James.
Do you actually even know me, James? Do you even know who I am? I think it's shut-up time now, James.
So one last thing.
When I promised to love, honour and obey you, it was a massive practical joke! - Hi.
Yes.
- Sorry, Nicola.
Just a quick cup of coffee.
How is your husband? Um Sounds a bit upset, is he? Upset? No.
He wants me to stand.
He thinks this is fucking great.
He just wants to show off about me to the rugby club dinner.
"Hello, everybody.
This is my wife, the Prime Minister.
" "Hello, JB, have you met my wife, the Prime Minister? "How's your wife, the little lady?" - It's nice that he's being supportive.
- He's not being supportive, he's james is He is not a supporting wall.
He is a partition and I'm going to have him knocked through.
Nicola, I'm going to take off my media hat.
I honestly never thought you had one.
Have you thought about couples counselling? Uh, yes.
Look, uh, James will not go to Relate and even if he did, George Alagiah would be outside with a big News 24 cup pressed against the wall, so Well, you know, it can work wonders.
Can it? Okay.
You're speaking from experience, are you? Oh, well, I mean I mean, I keep my professional life very, very separate from my home life, - obviously, I mean - Yeah.
You know, I always say, "What goes on behind my front door stays behind my front door.
" - I mean, that is my motto.
So - Yeah.
Uh, my motto would be Could I have another cup of coffee, Terri? Well, I just did bring you a cup.
Yeah, I got that one.
Registered that and would love another one.
It's just that kind of a day.
- Right.
Where's Hale and Pacemaker? - Who? Glenn and fucking Olly.
Where are they? I don't know.
I need them back here, anyway, for the launch.
For the launch? The launch.
The Fourth, the Fourth The Fourth Sector launch, Malcolm.
Jesus! You're about as on the ball today as a dead seal! Hey, that's one of my fucking lines.
There is a launch party tonight.
A load of press are coming and I haven't even started my speech.
- I don't know how to start my speech.
- Just fucking start with a joke.
- They all like a joke.
- Oh, great.
I'll start with a joke.
Great advice.
Thanks, Malcolm.
Malcolm, this launch, is it something that should really happen? We can't cancel it, can we? But she can't do this.
There's no fucking way that she can do this.
It's too fucking hot, right? We'll have to get a stunt double.
Ben.
Ben, yes.
He can do it in drag.
It'll be fine.
I mean, Nicola's been looking like a fucking tranny, anyway.
I really don't think that's a good idea, Malcolm.
Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice, I'll give you the special signal, which is me being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act.
Ben, let me help you.
Um, what about some makeup? No, I don't want any of your bloody makeup.
What, are you on commission or something? All right.
Well, that's it.
That's my Fourth Sector speech.
- OLLY: Do you want me to take it - Not so fast.
No, no.
I'm sorry, Nicola.
- Malcolm, they see me - No, you're not doing the launch.
I can't have you launching things at this moment in time.
Come on.
- Malcolm, I have to do this.
- Get the fuck back.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- Who else is going to launch it? Ben's going to be announcing the Fourth Sector tonight.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes.
Although it might be difficult to smash a champagne bottle on a turd.
(ALL ARGUING) Can I just Just let me try and communicate here.
- Oh.
- Malcolm.
It's hard for me to say this, uh, but I'm afraid the thing is, a lot of calls you've made today, they've been off, wrong.
Not the right calls.
(STAMMERING) Okay.
I'll give you some examples 'cause I can see that that's tough.
Okay, first one, you didn't even send that email.
It was still in drafts, okay? Then secondly, it was you that told me to make that big attack on the BBC.
- NICOLA: That's right.
- And I'm afraid we did look silly running around outside, getting in and out of a car.
I mean, look, Malcolm, I know that, you know, Steve Fleming's come back on the scene.
Are you feeling emasculated by that? Is it It's like you're a catherine wheel and you fell off the stick.
You're going But not in the right way.
Um, I think you're wrong, Malcolm.
You're like a sultana in a salad.
Terri, can we have a word? (WHISPERS) Fucking hell.
How fucking dare you? Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets.
Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets that contain my living, breathing fucking brain.
Malcolm, I'm really sorry.
I And these crisp packets, cheese and onion, smoky bacon, have been stomped on.
They've been fucking stomped on! Ben, fucking Nicola - I didn't mean to be horrid.
- And fucking you! I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise.
Don't you fucking apologise.
You don't need to apologise.
I love this place.
I do.
I mean, fucking, compared to Number 10, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean, it's like a fucking cancer ward.
I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other.
They are screaming, "You gave me this fucking disease.
" "You gave me this fucking disease.
" And every corner that I turn there's another threat, Terri.
Hacks, hacks, fucking vampire hacks.
And they're slaughtering us, Terri.
They are fucking slaughtering us and they want my face for a flannel! - Yeah.
- And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri.
I used to be the fucking pharaoh.
Mmm.
Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit.
But I am going to fashion a paddle out of that shit.
- Yeah? - Mmm.
- Good idea.
- I'm not going down.
I am not going down.
Yeah? (SOFTLY) Yeah.
How are you feeling about things? Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by 6:00.
- Do you want a huggle? - No, I think That's nice of you.
I really appreciate it.
Terri, it's been nice to have a chat but I have to get on.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Let's get back on track.
- Get back on track.
- As they say, right? - Remind me to use that phrase.
All righty-o.
Okay, Nicola, can I see you in your office, please? What did he say? I don't know.
It was all about ancient Egypt.
- Ancient Egypt? - Yeah.
The Fourth Sector? What is the Fourth Sector, you seem to ask? A good question.
That's a really good question.
I reply.
Well, let's start at the Ben is doing the best he can.
Oh, shit, is he? There are four The Fourth There are four sectors.
Imagine a cake that has been that has been cut into four slices.
The Cake of Good Hope.
- (WHISPERING) Malcolm - No.
- I'm going to go for it.
Yes, I am.
- No, no.
- Are you sure that's wise? - Cover me.
All right? No.
Nicola, no.
Now, I really should be wearing my trainers.
Nicola! Nicola, no! Nicola, no! Will make a valuable make a valuable contribution to society with all four sectors of the cake.
And here Here is Nicola Murray to tell you more.
- Nicola Murray.
- Hello.
Hi.
No need to stand, as the PM said to me this morning.
(CHUCKLES) A colleague of mine said you should always start with a joke.
And, uh One other thing.
Just about earlier on, with the the thing with the car, that was all a bit odd.
The explanation is I suffer from car sickness.
And sometimes I get ill even in a stationary car.
Uh, I actually once threw up watching an edition of Top Gear.
But that was chiefly 'cause I don't like Jeremy Paxman.
Uh, Clarkson, isn't it? (CHUCKLES) Anyway, the Fourth Sector is something I feel very passionate about.
So let me try and explain it to you.
I don't know if Ben's talked to you about the cake image.
Let's imagine I'm a mum, 'cause I am, and I'm trying to bake a cake for my children.
And my aim is to bake a cake that actually can consume itself, 'cause that in a sense is what the Fourth Sector is doing.
We're baking a self-eating cake.
I've written a couple of other things which I can't quite read, uh, because I've written them in a hurry.
So, the point is this leaflet tells you all you need to know, actually, you don't need me wittering.
So why don't you help yourself to the literature.
Help yourself to We haven't got a cake, but Uh, 'cause it's eaten itself, but we have got nuts.
Sorry, sorry.
We haven't got any nuts.
We've just got Skips.
- We've got no nuts.
DoSAC has no nuts.
- And some Twiglets.
There's a headline.
Please don't use it.
Ah.
Uh, sorry I missed it.
Did it go well? Nope.
Well, uh, more good news.
I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed by the U-boat that was you.
The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive.
OLLY: The dream is over, eh? I'm devastated.
I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary.
Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure.
By flying so close to your bright Sun, like Icarus I have crashed to the Earth, and died.
Nicola, I've got to tell you, that was one of the best live performances I've ever seen.
And I've seen fucking Stomp! It was a consummate piece of fucking incompetence.
Yeah, that's what I thought I'd do, take the heat off.
(CLEARING THROAT) The blog's updating.
Am I still a leadership contender? Nope.
Not at all.
Well, good.
Good.
- Not even an outsider? - No.
What are they saying? You don't really want to know what they're saying.
Not exactly what they're saying.
Sorry.
NICOLA: What a fucking day! MALCOLM: Ladies and gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over, please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
Good news, BBC is gonna issue an apology for the way they edited the video.
MALCOLM: The BB fucking C, yeah, I mean, they crumble at the first sign of pressure, like an old woman's hip.
That's why they've got a fucking programme called Sorry! Right, the PM is coming home early, and he's asked for an audience with Senor Malcolm Tucker.
So I'm getting my paddle, Terri, I'm getting my paddle.
Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh? - Yeah, sure.
- Make sure that Ben does.
Oh, and Glenn Glenn, I've got a very special task for you, - my unelectable friend.
- What's that? Turn the fucking phones back on.
OLLY: Night, Malcolm.
Change of plan.
Secretary of State wants to do the interview in front of the sign so you're gonna have to just bog off, okay? Morning, Olly, how's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all? No.
I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung under.
First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted till, I'd say, seven? Yeah, well, I do have a life, Olly.
Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life.
What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one? - Morning.
- OLLY: Hello.
Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk? No, I had to get in early anyway because the BBC man's coming.
Are you wearing trainers? (CHUCKLES) You are wearing trainers.
- Yes.
- Yes.
(CHUCKLES) If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
- Well, I don't see there's any - This colour for healthy breath.
- Morning.
Morning.
- Oh! - Do please let me - Oh! - Thank you very much.
- Would you like me to take your coffee? Oh, no.
I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
- Hmm.
- Well, it will dehydrate you.
- Good-o.
- Mojito Murray, they now call her.
You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar.
She's like Gazza at Euro '96.
(MIMICKING GULPING) I really love the division of labour in this place.
I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm.
Would you like some help with your makeup? - Um I'm wearing makeup.
- OLLY: What? NICOLA: So this interview, who's coming? TERRl: Ten O'Clock News? Okay.
Who? Nick Robinson? Not Nick.
He's away with the PM on the world tour.
- No it's It's Gavin.
- Gavin Esler? Gavin Boyes.
- Who the hell is Gavin Boyes? - Well, he's up and coming.
In what? Gay porn? I'm launching the Fourth Sector Initiative.
It's the centrepiece of my political career.
I don't want to do it with some fucking Newsround press packer.
It says here on Google that Gavin Boyes is the State Wrestling Champion for West Virginia.
The launch tonight, Terri, how many journos have we got coming? We've got confirmed four.
- Four? - Four? That's one per sector.
This is not something that we are ashamed of.
We're not launching a new leper colony.
Okay.
No problem.
I'm just going to go down and collect Gavin and his boys.
- Welcome to DoSAC, Gavin.
Yes.
- Thank you.
- Gavin Boyes? - Yeah.
I'm Glenn Cullen.
No need for me to get up.
Right.
Nice to meet you.
Gavin seems very nice, very young Oh, good.
Is this the way to the face-painting tent? I was hoping I could be a tiger, maybe.
I told you you'd overdone it with the makeup.
Nicola, honestly, with the lights, you do need a lot on.
Take a bit off, really.
I'm going to start slurring my words in a minute.
It looks great.
- NICOLA: Gavin Boyes.
Hello.
- Gavin Boyes.
Hi.
- Just pop you over there.
- Yes, of course.
Yeah.
Well, let's start with an easy one.
- Uh - Just relax.
- Yes, I was.
Thank you.
- Nicola, just relax.
So, Secretary of State, could you explain in brief what your launch tonight is all about? Well, Gavin, the Fourth Sector is really about empowering ordinary people to give a little bit extra and thus create something extraord I'm so sorry.
Can I just - Just one second.
Sorry.
Terri? - You all right? (WHISPERS) You're very close and you're just kind of staring at me.
Sort of a big dead-eyed shark and it's making me tense.
Sure.
Sure.
Sorry.
Where were we, Gavin? So why is the PM doing this world tour thing? What's the point of that? I mean, he's not easy on the world stage, is he? He walks like his dick's made of glass, you know? - Is it a Malc plan? - Could be.
Or, you know, Steve Fleming's back, it could be him.
Well, if he's back, it really is the end, isn't it? What are you going to do when the shit goes down, then? Oh, plenty of options, Olly.
You could be a Beefeater.
Do you want to be a Beefeater? Don't you worry about me, Olly.
I've got contacts.
What do you mean, "Don't worry about me"? Are you big in Japan or something? What? What's that smile for? Do you need winding? I am going to stand in the election.
Are you Are you serious? I should hear later today whether or not I've got enough support for the Ilford East long list.
Fucking hell.
You on a massive poster.
What's your slogan going to be? "He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen.
" How about that? Actually, I'm pretty excited about this.
Sort of hard to take on board.
It's like being told your dad's gay or something.
I am strangely really proud of you.
The Prime Minister fully endorses my Fourth Sector Initiative.
I know that's something he's really squarely behind.
Surely you can't ignore the naysayers who say he's a lame duck.
He's not fit for the job.
I believe that Tom is absolutely the best man for the job, and I think we should all just let him get on with doing that job.
What's morale like in the party? Sorry, um, one sec.
I said best man for the job, I think, didn't I? I need to say "best person".
It's kind of the same.
I mean, you'd have to be very PC to pick a hole in that.
So you don't want to give the impression that you'd like to see a female leader.
Uh, I mean, yes, absolutely.
At some point I would love there to be a female leader.
But that point isn't reached yet, you know.
And I believe that the current Prime Minister is absolutely the best person, - uh, for the job.
- TERRl: Yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
- Yep.
Got it.
- Best person for the job.
- Great.
- You did get that, did you? - You got the end? - Yeah.
Yeah.
We got all we need.
- Thanks very much indeed.
- Okay.
(MOUTHING) It was perfect.
It wasn't perfect 'cause I said best man and then I corrected to person.
You just kept going, "Uh!" I wouldn't, you know, give it a second thought, honestly.
Yes, well, give our very best to john Craven and Dexter Fletcher.
Right.
So, Ben Swain, the man you love to hate and love to sack, actually, is on his way up.
Oh, great.
I'm flypaper for dickheads today.
Right.
I'm going to get out of this funeral suit and chisel off the first three inches of makeup.
GLENN: Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.
OLLY: Ben 10! Benstrual cycle.
Ben on the 4th of July.
Olly put the kettle on, on the good ship Olly-pop, Olled Lang Syne How are things going at the, uh, Department of Education Education Education? There's shit going up the foot pump, Olly.
Mainly because you are the Robin Hood of politics.
Well, Robin Hood was a hero.
No, he was not a hero.
He was a terrorist.
You're just stealing from the Education Department and pumping it out as a DoSAC idea.
This Back On Track Policy that you launched at your little chimps' tea party last night, well, that sounds very similar.
Very, very - Almost identical in fact - Right.
Yes.
to my Unify Policy that I was working on here until I was booted out by knicker-face.
- Right.
Where is Jenni Murray? - No.
Well, she's I really wouldn't go in - Oh, God.
Jesus! - NICOLA: Oh! Yes.
She's just been doing an interview there, Ben.
What? An interview for what? FHM? What's she done to her face? She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally.
- Yeah.
I really - BEN: I'm very sorry again Let's not talk about it ever again.
I will forget - Right.
What do you want? everything I've seen.
Now, Back On Track, it is exactly the same as my Unify Initiative.
I know you don't like me, you made that as clear as fish piss by kicking me out of here 10 nanoseconds after you arrived.
Malcolm's calling.
I thought he was supposed to be sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in Ibiza or wherever they've got to? Yes.
He's away.
He's in Spain.
Just ignore Malcolm.
- Ignore Malcolm? - Yeah.
What can he do? Olly, mate.
Olly, you're not answering your phone and I'm getting really, really worried that you've hurt yourself.
I just keep getting these terrible images flashing in my head, you know.
Of you being stabbed repeatedly in the face.
Or of you in a coma on a life-support machine dreaming about being a gay policeman in the 1970s.
Malcolm, I can explain.
Olly, thank God that you're safe.
Sorry.
That's from me, Cack Ephron.
What's Giant Gaystacks doing here? Um, I'm here, Malcolm, because Nicola has been nicking my policies, through Olly.
Is this true, the little man in the red and yellow car? - No - I've been told by Steve Fleming to think the unthinkable.
Well, listen, I am telling you to unthink the unthinkable.
Shit, you can't even cope with thinking the thinkable.
- Why are you even here? - TERRl: Hello, Malcolm.
- Oh, you look a bit tired.
- Yeah.
You look incompetent.
Yeah, tired and a wee bit grumpy.
Well, actually, Lucille Ballbag, I am here to prep Nicola here for her BBC interview.
A bit late for that.
Terri, I fucking emailed you and I told you to move it to later because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh.
Right? - Well - And there it is.
It didn't fuck It didn't fucking send.
- Ah! - It didn't send, right? There you go.
You just owe me an apology, that's all.
- I'm sorry? - That's the one.
That wasn't an apology.
That was a "pardon? I'm sorry".
Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way? Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour.
Hmm.
Big beast.
Tiny fucking rodent, more like.
He's part of the larger problem.
Which is? Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like, it's like - the break-up of The Beatles, right? - Hmm.
During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking Jordan's getting divorced from that bloke.
All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah? - Anyway, this interview, right? - Mmm-hmm.
- How did it go? - (STUTTERING) It's a small - (PHONE RINGING) - Sorry, Malcolm.
Can I? Sorry.
They wanted to talk Tom, and I said that he was the best man for the job.
Yeah, well, so what? I mean, it's the BBC.
It's not fucking Spare Rib, is it? I thought it might sound like I thought I was the best woman for the job.
Listen, Nicola, no offence, but you're not leadership material, yeah? I mean, fucking curtain material in that outfit, but you know.
Right.
The BBC have put it on the website.
You saying that the PM's the best man for the job.
- Shit.
- Yeah.
And they're saying that you fired the starter pistol on a new leadership bid.
- OLLY: I've got it on here.
- I mean, yes.
Absolutely.
At some point, I would love there to be a female leader.
But I believe that the current Prime Minister is absolutely the best man for the job.
No! I said "person" and you went "huh" over it.
- This is bad.
- It wasn't on a microphone - It is fucking bad.
- I know that.
Terri, get on to the BBC, fucking nuke them.
- Nuke them and rebuke them.
- Yep.
Got it.
Malcolm, maybe we're making matters worse.
We're making them think we've got a live one.
I just think we're overreacting.
No, no, no, no, no.
We nip this in the fucking knackers now, okay? It's been a wonderful experience here.
I think I'll leave you all to it.
My work here is done.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no.
You're staying here, mate.
I'm not staying here.
You haven't even got biscuits here.
You stay here, right? The situation's fucking febrile.
You don't fucking know what febrile means.
- No.
- No, you don't.
It means there are going to be hysterical journalists, right? Watching every fucking move we make.
So I want you unplugged from the mains until the danger's past.
TERRl: Right.
There's a few journalists out there already.
See? See, there you are.
It's a fucking feeding frenzy.
Yeah.
Well, not in here, it's not.
Don't panic, Orca.
We'll get sandwiches, okay? - How many are there there? - OLLY: Eight.
Right.
Eight constitutes a lockdown.
Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown.
Right now.
Oh, come off it.
We're not in a prison drama, are we? We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking Shawshank Redemption, right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption.
Right, people, nobody move.
Right.
Nobody move, nobody gets fucking truncheoned in the face.
This is a lockdown, right? What that means is this office is now an isolation unit.
Do not use the phones.
No fucking emails.
No phones, Glenn.
Come on.
I've got to go.
Bye.
- Terri? - Yes.
- I'm here.
- Get on the phone to the fucking BBC.
Come on.
Everybody else, stay Chaplin.
Is that trainers that she's wearing? Are you wearing fucking trainers? You're supposed to be a civil servant, not a fucking playgroup assistant.
(MOBILE RINGING) Steve, oh, the man himself.
Yes, what is it? It's like wet play, isn't it? Queen to knight four.
I never had you down as a chess man, Glenn.
I thought you might be more the kind to play Ludo or something.
- Do you mind? - Oh, what? Can you not multitask, Deep Beige? (CHUCKLES) What, check? Oh! - Fuck you.
- Well, you know, politics is like a game of chess, Glenn, insofar as you're shit at both of them.
Excuse me.
(JOURNALISTS CLAMOURING) Oh, that's what we need, yes.
The one-man smarmy army.
Malcolm, is it George Alagiah? - What? What? - NICOLA: Fuck.
It's George Alagiah! - Is he here for me? - What? George Alagiah's here for me.
They're going to use everything now.
It's just going to be a free-for-all.
They're going to They're even going to dig out that picture of me at the sports day looking like Catweazle with learning difficulties.
GLENN: "Nicola Murray will today later use a policy speech "to announce her candidacy.
" Nicola Murray is not going to make a leadership announcement this evening.
Permission to speak frankly and off the record, yeah? She's an idiot.
I know that she's in the cabinet, but look, that's like being disabled at a football match, yeah? I mean, she's very close to the action but hardly likely to score a goal.
That No! That How is that offensive? That is a very fair and accurate portrayal of just how fucking retarded she is.
NICOLA: You're really enjoying this, aren't you, Ben? You haven't had this much fun since you went to Cadbury World.
Oh, come on, Nicola, you've got to admit, from the outside, it's pretty funny.
I mean, the Prime Minister goes away and you're dressed up as one of the ThunderCats.
(COUGHS) So awful, isn't it, some of the things people write on these comments.
Oh! I mean, they are, totally.
So cruel, isn't it? "Nicola Murray is staging a leadership bid.
"Who is Nicola Murray? I have literally never heard of her.
"She doesn't exist.
" "I would rather cut off my hands than vote for that disgrace.
" "Does anyone else here think she looks like Heath Ledger "in The Dark Knight?" Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today? Did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk? No.
- Yes, a bit.
- What are you saying? Just, you know, "Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister.
"Have a look at this clip of her online staking her bid.
" You treacherous shit.
Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
Why are you doing this? Because I'm bored, it's funny and and I hate you.
There you are.
The holy trinity of why.
Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion.
- Right.
Bit of good news.
- What? - Two bits, actually.
Um - Enough.
Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts.
So, one at a time.
Private Godfrey, get to your station.
I want to hear what the word is on the street.
All right.
"Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out.
"Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.
" Right.
I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen.
And get myself a sandwich.
I'm fucking starving.
What did I just fucking say? What did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time.
Stand up.
I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking come.
Stand the fuck up! Fucking move, right! See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys.
Play with that.
Go and stand in that fucking corner.
Stand over there, right? And do not move or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you with a fucking rusty spade and I'll have your kidneys for fucking cufflinks.
Terri, good news, I believe.
You were about to tell us some good fucking news.
What the fuck is it? Right.
Yeah, okay.
Uh, well according to my online tracker, the pizza is here.
- Hooray! - And the second bit is that The Mail is backing Nicola's leadership bid because of the stand she's taken against shoddy journalism at the BBC.
What? No wonder George Alagiah's here.
He'll probably come at me with a fucking Stanley knife.
I knew this would happen.
I actually fucking said this would happen, Malcolm.
What do we do now? Hello? Say something.
(MOBILE RINGING) Oh, Steve.
Hi, there.
I'm going to slip into a diabetic coma at this rate.
- (MOBILE PHONE RINGING) - Shit! Better take this elsewhere.
OLLY: Hey, Ben, sorry you don't have your magic drawer any more.
- I think I might.
I think I do.
- What? - Fuck, if it's still there - It's been four months, Ben, it can't still be there.
Well, who's going to know? Look, I've hidden it OLLY: Well, I know.
BEN: (LAUGHS) Get in! - Sweet giver of blood sugar.
Mmm.
- TERRl: Right.
I'm going to go down personally and pick up the pizza myself.
Can you do savoury after sweet? Is that - Yes.
- Right.
Okay.
Tom is as mad as a dickless dog.
Right? He is specifically very, very fucking angry at you, Nicola.
- Oh, fantastic.
- Uh, then we should cancel tonight? - Tonight? What's tonight? - OLLY: Well, - it's the Fourth Sector - It's the Fourth Sector It's my Fourth Sector launch.
Are these going down to the room? Don't fuck with that Just fucking - I thought you - One at a time, right? Terri, get the minister's car.
Downstairs.
Right now.
- Right.
Why? - Right.
Never mind fucking why.
Just fucking do it, Holly Golightly.
Come on.
Nicola, I want you to go down there and I just want you to pretend that you've got an appointment to go to.
And this is what you say, right? - Say? - You are not challenging Tom at all.
- Oh, fuck.
- Tom is the man to lead the country through this difficult crisis, right? Tom is the man of the moment.
Then you get in your car and you just fucking drive about, go and do some sightseeing or attach a hose pipe to the exhaust, whatever.
Nicola Murray is fucking coming, okay? See, you? Get me a fucking Curly Wurly, right? - Would you like a bit of concealer? - No.
No.
This is it.
It's going to work.
Okay, get out there.
- He's the man of the moment.
- You've got the confidence.
That's it.
- He's the man of the moment.
- Look at that gait.
- I'll be there.
- You can't buy that.
That's fucking class.
Nicola Murray is back.
She's back.
She's back on track.
It's a classic Curly Wurly I wanted.
Look, a Curly Wurly should be the size of a small ladder.
Your hands have got bigger.
I'm going for it.
Okay jOURNALISTS: Mrs Murray (ALL CLAMOURING) REPORTER 1: Does the Prime Minister have your full support? NICOLA: He absolutely does.
Yes.
REPORTER 2: So does Mr Cullen have your support, too? Uh Uh, sorry.
What? Glenn Cullen.
Are you backing his campaign to be an MP? NICOLA: I don't know what that's about.
(CHUCKLES) Glenn? - Who are you backing? - There is nothing.
I'm backing the Prime Minister.
The Prime Minister is absolutely the right man for the moment.
- Not for the moment.
- For the moment? That's the worst possible thing that you could say here.
Terri, get the dozy giblet back in here.
Get her back in here.
Don't let her get in the car.
You've got to come back out.
Malcolm says - Shit.
- We've got pizza in there.
Thank you.
REPORTER 3: Have you changed your mind? Does he have your full backing? Yes, I do.
The Prime Minister, as I said, is the right man for the moment.
Oh, not again.
First class media work there.
- TERRl: Pizza! - Ooh! Good.
- Well done.
- That was utterly humiliating.
- For fuck's sake, Malcolm! - Shouldn't that be "of fuck's sake"? - I don't know what you're taking about.
- May I just quote it to you? "The Prime Minister is the right man for the moment.
" Yeah.
That's what you told me to say.
Of the moment.
Of the moment.
I told you to say of the fucking moment.
It's a huge difference between me saying to you, "Nicola, I would like to go for a lovely walk with you" and, "Nicola, I would like to make a hat out of your fucking entrails.
" (MOBILE RINGS) Excuse me.
Steven.
Yes.
Well, you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay? You, Glenn.
So, here's a thing.
Apparently, you're going to be an MP.
You didn't talk to me about that.
Glenn's not standing, don't be silly.
- Go on, tell her.
- Go on.
Tell me more.
Terri, can I just get a word in? Look at this, takeaway and a fight.
All I need now is a hand job in a bus shelter, - I've had the great British night out.
- Oh! Excuse me.
I'm off for a doze.
Nicola, I know we're not allowed to take any calls but this is your husband.
Fine.
Thank you.
James.
Do you actually even know me, James? Do you even know who I am? I think it's shut-up time now, James.
So one last thing.
When I promised to love, honour and obey you, it was a massive practical joke! - Hi.
Yes.
- Sorry, Nicola.
Just a quick cup of coffee.
How is your husband? Um Sounds a bit upset, is he? Upset? No.
He wants me to stand.
He thinks this is fucking great.
He just wants to show off about me to the rugby club dinner.
"Hello, everybody.
This is my wife, the Prime Minister.
" "Hello, JB, have you met my wife, the Prime Minister? "How's your wife, the little lady?" - It's nice that he's being supportive.
- He's not being supportive, he's james is He is not a supporting wall.
He is a partition and I'm going to have him knocked through.
Nicola, I'm going to take off my media hat.
I honestly never thought you had one.
Have you thought about couples counselling? Uh, yes.
Look, uh, James will not go to Relate and even if he did, George Alagiah would be outside with a big News 24 cup pressed against the wall, so Well, you know, it can work wonders.
Can it? Okay.
You're speaking from experience, are you? Oh, well, I mean I mean, I keep my professional life very, very separate from my home life, - obviously, I mean - Yeah.
You know, I always say, "What goes on behind my front door stays behind my front door.
" - I mean, that is my motto.
So - Yeah.
Uh, my motto would be Could I have another cup of coffee, Terri? Well, I just did bring you a cup.
Yeah, I got that one.
Registered that and would love another one.
It's just that kind of a day.
- Right.
Where's Hale and Pacemaker? - Who? Glenn and fucking Olly.
Where are they? I don't know.
I need them back here, anyway, for the launch.
For the launch? The launch.
The Fourth, the Fourth The Fourth Sector launch, Malcolm.
Jesus! You're about as on the ball today as a dead seal! Hey, that's one of my fucking lines.
There is a launch party tonight.
A load of press are coming and I haven't even started my speech.
- I don't know how to start my speech.
- Just fucking start with a joke.
- They all like a joke.
- Oh, great.
I'll start with a joke.
Great advice.
Thanks, Malcolm.
Malcolm, this launch, is it something that should really happen? We can't cancel it, can we? But she can't do this.
There's no fucking way that she can do this.
It's too fucking hot, right? We'll have to get a stunt double.
Ben.
Ben, yes.
He can do it in drag.
It'll be fine.
I mean, Nicola's been looking like a fucking tranny, anyway.
I really don't think that's a good idea, Malcolm.
Terri, I thought we had a deal, right? When I need your advice, I'll give you the special signal, which is me being sectioned under the fucking Mental Health Act.
Ben, let me help you.
Um, what about some makeup? No, I don't want any of your bloody makeup.
What, are you on commission or something? All right.
Well, that's it.
That's my Fourth Sector speech.
- OLLY: Do you want me to take it - Not so fast.
No, no.
I'm sorry, Nicola.
- Malcolm, they see me - No, you're not doing the launch.
I can't have you launching things at this moment in time.
Come on.
- Malcolm, I have to do this.
- Get the fuck back.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- Who else is going to launch it? Ben's going to be announcing the Fourth Sector tonight.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes.
Although it might be difficult to smash a champagne bottle on a turd.
(ALL ARGUING) Can I just Just let me try and communicate here.
- Oh.
- Malcolm.
It's hard for me to say this, uh, but I'm afraid the thing is, a lot of calls you've made today, they've been off, wrong.
Not the right calls.
(STAMMERING) Okay.
I'll give you some examples 'cause I can see that that's tough.
Okay, first one, you didn't even send that email.
It was still in drafts, okay? Then secondly, it was you that told me to make that big attack on the BBC.
- NICOLA: That's right.
- And I'm afraid we did look silly running around outside, getting in and out of a car.
I mean, look, Malcolm, I know that, you know, Steve Fleming's come back on the scene.
Are you feeling emasculated by that? Is it It's like you're a catherine wheel and you fell off the stick.
You're going But not in the right way.
Um, I think you're wrong, Malcolm.
You're like a sultana in a salad.
Terri, can we have a word? (WHISPERS) Fucking hell.
How fucking dare you? Have you any idea of the amount of pressure that has been exerted on my skull, huh? It feels like my brain has been fucking emptied into little packets, into fucking crisp packets.
Cheese and onion fucking crisp packets that contain my living, breathing fucking brain.
Malcolm, I'm really sorry.
I And these crisp packets, cheese and onion, smoky bacon, have been stomped on.
They've been fucking stomped on! Ben, fucking Nicola - I didn't mean to be horrid.
- And fucking you! I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
No, I'm over it, okay? Don't you apologise.
Don't you fucking apologise.
You don't need to apologise.
I love this place.
I do.
I mean, fucking, compared to Number 10, this place is fucking tranquil, yeah? Over there, 300 yards down the road, I mean, it's like a fucking cancer ward.
I mean, there are people in there, they're fucking screaming at each other.
They are screaming, "You gave me this fucking disease.
" "You gave me this fucking disease.
" And every corner that I turn there's another threat, Terri.
Hacks, hacks, fucking vampire hacks.
And they're slaughtering us, Terri.
They are fucking slaughtering us and they want my face for a flannel! - Yeah.
- And you know what? I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri.
I used to be the fucking pharaoh.
Mmm.
Now I'm fucking floundering in a fucking Nile of shit.
But I am going to fashion a paddle out of that shit.
- Yeah? - Mmm.
- Good idea.
- I'm not going down.
I am not going down.
Yeah? (SOFTLY) Yeah.
How are you feeling about things? Well, you know, I'm just trying to do my best and, you know, make sure I can still get home by 6:00.
- Do you want a huggle? - No, I think That's nice of you.
I really appreciate it.
Terri, it's been nice to have a chat but I have to get on.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Let's get back on track.
- Get back on track.
- As they say, right? - Remind me to use that phrase.
All righty-o.
Okay, Nicola, can I see you in your office, please? What did he say? I don't know.
It was all about ancient Egypt.
- Ancient Egypt? - Yeah.
The Fourth Sector? What is the Fourth Sector, you seem to ask? A good question.
That's a really good question.
I reply.
Well, let's start at the Ben is doing the best he can.
Oh, shit, is he? There are four The Fourth There are four sectors.
Imagine a cake that has been that has been cut into four slices.
The Cake of Good Hope.
- (WHISPERING) Malcolm - No.
- I'm going to go for it.
Yes, I am.
- No, no.
- Are you sure that's wise? - Cover me.
All right? No.
Nicola, no.
Now, I really should be wearing my trainers.
Nicola! Nicola, no! Nicola, no! Will make a valuable make a valuable contribution to society with all four sectors of the cake.
And here Here is Nicola Murray to tell you more.
- Nicola Murray.
- Hello.
Hi.
No need to stand, as the PM said to me this morning.
(CHUCKLES) A colleague of mine said you should always start with a joke.
And, uh One other thing.
Just about earlier on, with the the thing with the car, that was all a bit odd.
The explanation is I suffer from car sickness.
And sometimes I get ill even in a stationary car.
Uh, I actually once threw up watching an edition of Top Gear.
But that was chiefly 'cause I don't like Jeremy Paxman.
Uh, Clarkson, isn't it? (CHUCKLES) Anyway, the Fourth Sector is something I feel very passionate about.
So let me try and explain it to you.
I don't know if Ben's talked to you about the cake image.
Let's imagine I'm a mum, 'cause I am, and I'm trying to bake a cake for my children.
And my aim is to bake a cake that actually can consume itself, 'cause that in a sense is what the Fourth Sector is doing.
We're baking a self-eating cake.
I've written a couple of other things which I can't quite read, uh, because I've written them in a hurry.
So, the point is this leaflet tells you all you need to know, actually, you don't need me wittering.
So why don't you help yourself to the literature.
Help yourself to We haven't got a cake, but Uh, 'cause it's eaten itself, but we have got nuts.
Sorry, sorry.
We haven't got any nuts.
We've just got Skips.
- We've got no nuts.
DoSAC has no nuts.
- And some Twiglets.
There's a headline.
Please don't use it.
Ah.
Uh, sorry I missed it.
Did it go well? Nope.
Well, uh, more good news.
I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed by the U-boat that was you.
The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive.
OLLY: The dream is over, eh? I'm devastated.
I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary.
Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure.
By flying so close to your bright Sun, like Icarus I have crashed to the Earth, and died.
Nicola, I've got to tell you, that was one of the best live performances I've ever seen.
And I've seen fucking Stomp! It was a consummate piece of fucking incompetence.
Yeah, that's what I thought I'd do, take the heat off.
(CLEARING THROAT) The blog's updating.
Am I still a leadership contender? Nope.
Not at all.
Well, good.
Good.
- Not even an outsider? - No.
What are they saying? You don't really want to know what they're saying.
Not exactly what they're saying.
Sorry.
NICOLA: What a fucking day! MALCOLM: Ladies and gentlemen, the dirty protest is now over, please mop up your shit and fuck off home.
Good news, BBC is gonna issue an apology for the way they edited the video.
MALCOLM: The BB fucking C, yeah, I mean, they crumble at the first sign of pressure, like an old woman's hip.
That's why they've got a fucking programme called Sorry! Right, the PM is coming home early, and he's asked for an audience with Senor Malcolm Tucker.
So I'm getting my paddle, Terri, I'm getting my paddle.
Make sure fucking Nicola doesn't top herself, eh? - Yeah, sure.
- Make sure that Ben does.
Oh, and Glenn Glenn, I've got a very special task for you, - my unelectable friend.
- What's that? Turn the fucking phones back on.
OLLY: Night, Malcolm.