The Thick of It s04e01 Episode Script

Series 4, Episode 1

Of course I know it's our anniversary.
What do you think the card was for? I left it on the kitchen table.
Oh right.
My bad, as they say.
You're a very tidy man, aren't you? There's no happiness without order.
It's a Nazi quote but it stands the test of time.
When is Peter getting in? That nurse is becoming a bit of a running sore which is ironic.
Tickle? Mr Tickle? Mr Tickel.
He's not still in his fucking tent is he? I know we only have one anniversary a year.
There's a clue in the name, I did do classics.
I'm not being chippy, it's a fact.
I'm saying Tickel.
It undermines him.
If we say Tickle it makes him look stupid.
I was at school with a guy called Timothy Burr.
Either change school or change your name, but don't get your mum to ring my mum and complain about the lumberjack jokes.
Why was she complaining? Err Timothy Burr, Tim Burr.
I can't leave before my coalition partner.
Fergus, I told you.
Well, I say partner.
He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
I hate to ask but I've got to ask.
Are you ready for today, Fergus? Yeah, somewhat.
Silicon Playgrounds are is go.
I just hope Mannion keeps his baccy stained fingers out of it.
Don't worry about Mannion.
He's allergic to the 21st century.
Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much and the 19th makes him fart papyrus.
I think I'd better end this call now in case I get a brain tumour.
I'd lose all my lovely thick hair.
Can't wait for later.
What? Yes.
The whole protest is really taking off.
It's a sensible policy.
If we sell off NHS key worker housing, we can pay off the PFI debts.
We haven't made him live in a tent, just sold his house.
The cold winter will finish him off.
He's like bindweed.
Well, you know I can be romantic.
Haven't we Oh, piss.
Christ, I've been spotted.
Can we talk Tickle? I'd love to, but I think Fergus was asking for you, something about Silicon? OK, well.
Tickle you later.
Oh, she just made eyes at me.
another 50 of those, these will stay outside dotted around.
Morning! Big day for the reception class.
Well done you.
Oh, I'm not sure "App-ortunity" works.
Yes it does.
It combines app and opportunity.
(Yes, I know that.
) Just looks like a team name from The Apprentice.
As you can see, Terri, I'm noting down every one of your comments.
Excuse me, you asked to see me for the launch of Silicon Playgrounds, no? I have never asked to see you.
Terri, don't worry about us.
Go and help Malfoy and his dad.
Thanks, Ridgley.
I don't get it.
Andrew Ridgley, Wham.
Hitched A Ride? Oh, contemporary reference.
Yeah, very up to date.
Bit like your hair.
What is it you ask for? The Disney Prince? What do you ask for? Err Thewanker? Brilliant.
Oh, forgot to tell you, sorry.
Stewart's popping in.
Fuck me.
What's the Last Airbender want? He needs the Excuse me! Oh, Jesus, this came through yesterday.
Yes, well, it came at 6:05.
I turn off all my work devices at six.
After that, it's me, the Kindle and Jodi Picoult.
Silicone Playgrounds project cleared for uplaunch.
Boom! Hello, century 21.
We get kids to create apps in schools, we pay them a digital dividend, we foster a new generation of entrepreneurs.
Sounds like that third Tron film no one's waiting for.
We'd better tell Peter.
Well, we could celebrate it at another time.
Technically, and thrillingly, it'll be our anniversary all year! Oh, sorry darling I've got to go.
I think the bailiffs are here take my will to live.
Fergus, my coalition colleague stroke junior, big day for you.
Every day is a big day for me, that's why I get here an hour before you.
I'm afraid the human snowman is coming innow.
Stewart! Great.
Ah, if it isn't Raffles the gentleman MP.
Why are you coming in together? Something we should know about? We were married in Vegas, didn't you know? We're really happy.
OK, everyone.
Meeting room, now.
Terri, could you get someone to bring me some chai? I'm parched as a cuttlefish.
Oh for fuck's sake.
OK, folks.
Today's headline in Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72, is Emma and I broke the fast this AM with the PM.
And it is a massive yes.
So our Silicon Playground initiative is going to be the standard bearer for the Networked Nation.
It is a double double win.
A double win for both babies of the coalition.
It's win squared.
What, shall we do a Mexican wave around the table? From my POV, re all this, big hurrah, we're ready to upload, ie, let's launch the fucker.
I'm registering your energy Fergus, but we've decided it's going to be launched by the Secretary of State for Social Affairs and Citizenship.
Oooh All my gallstones have come at once.
Are you fucking serious? What is wrong with you people? Peter can't even right click a fucking mouse.
He can.
It's track pads he has a problem with.
No, you come in here, like, Dr Robotnik, and say "Oh, I'm sorry.
" We put in the graft on this.
You can't just take it off us.
I think we can, you see We can.
Coalition's like a band.
Every band has a front man.
He's Florence and you're The Machine.
The Machine.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
I was just changing in a phone booth.
Ha ha ha.
Was that a joke or? Yeah, no, I was on the phone.
Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&E, everything all right? No.
Mannion is announcing Silicon Playgrounds on Stewart's orders.
PM's orders.
What? Hang on a moment.
This is demarcation stuff.
This is fourth sector, right? And I am the fourth sector guru.
I've been on Team Fergus on this, you know? Me and the Inbetweeners.
The what? The what? Sorry? You know that's what we call you.
We did all the work on this, us.
We're a team, we did it.
And now you say we're playing a new game, pass the parcel, and he gets to unwrap it? I don't think so.
This is bollocks, Stewart.
Come on, calm down.
Just a second.
Just leave it, leave it.
He's going to have a heart attack, look at him.
Will we cope? Can we even carry on? Oh, it doesn't seem to have changed anything.
The top line, folks, is this.
It's about coalition, remember.
This is not about coalition, this is about you nicking our ideas and doing us up the Eurotunnel.
You're a couple of homeless guys we've invited to Christmas dinner.
Don't bitch cos we don't let you carve the turkey.
Let me say it simply for you, Stewart.
I don't understand the Networked Nation and the Silicon fucking Playground, gigabits, people watching television on telephones.
For what it's worth, I think Fergus should carve this particular turkey.
There you go.
Peter, the Networked Nation is about harnessing the interconnectivity of everyone in society.
It's a new way of thinking.
Innovation, self-investment, revenue flux, growth, ergo a healthy network.
What's so complicated about that? All the words you just used.
Oh, Christ.
Here comes Dennis Norden.
Oh, he brought his laughter file.
I don't know if this is any use, but it might give you some idea of the scale of the problem.
Look, I think we're about done here, yeah? OK, let's wrap this up.
Am I in some kind of ghost story? I've been hit by a bus and no-one can see me any more? Everyone's really loving your energy.
Why don't you pilot the staff cuts? Let Peter go down to the school, bounce some ideas off the wall, see if the kids like the echo.
So, Peter gets to announce Silicon Playgrounds, I get the elephants' graveyard.
I could terminate some of the staff here using combat techniques.
Where are we actually on staff cuts? Is there a shortlist at all? Phil has a staff cuts dossier with maps and charts and everything.
I saw a guy out there who takes three shits an hour.
That's not biologically possible.
Well, that's Graham.
He has Crohn's disease.
I have a very short concise brief on Silicon.
I can just email it to you.
Put it on a piece of paper and I'll read it.
One piece, we don't need that.
Glenn, you look like a week-old party balloon.
Yeah, don't worry about me, Terri, I'm fine.
I just don't want you ending up as one of those, "Before he turned the gun on himself," kind of guys.
That isn't going to happen, Terri, because I don't even possess a gun.
Is that all that's stopping you, lack of resources? Ah, Peter, I'm expecting great things.
Then you're an idiot.
Laters, legislators.
The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
I'm going to put the old tea cauldron on.
Anybody fancy a brew? Risk of sounding like your mum.
Time for school.
You need to get to this meeting.
I hate school children.
They're volatile and stupid and haven't got the vote.
Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
The school's only ten minutes from your house.
Pop round for a late lunch.
Not much of a celebration.
"Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-soup.
" I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina.
Any ideas? Err what about sexy undergarments? No.
What perfume does she wear? No idea.
Expensive, smells a bit of lemons.
I do really need a comment on this Tickel protest, please.
"As we enter the third week, I find Mr Tickle's attention seeking, "tent-based twattery even more annoying than in weeks one and two.
" I can't actually say that.
Really? Then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
All right.
I'll channel you.
Channel me? She's really quite predatory, isn't she? Who? Terri's Clockwork Orange? That's what I call her.
For the other lady in your life.
Where did you get that? It was in my desk.
I was saving it for something special.
Like losing your virginity? I've done that in style, actually.
If my penis could talk.
It would say, "I'm lonely! "Where is everyone? Let me out of this coffin!" Two years ago I was a fucking guru.
I give two fingers to Nick and what happens? Lo and behold, a party with principles comes crawling and begging for me, and then what do they do with their principles? Shove them on the compost heap and join the upper class-holes I've spent my career trying to keep out.
Glenn, I need your help.
I want out.
I want a redundancy package.
Could you just bump my name up the exit list? I mean, just put in a bad word for me? Yeah, sure, Terri.
Consider yourself redundant, we all do.
Sorry to interrupt.
Can I have a word? Sure, kettle's just boiled.
I meant Terri.
(Sorry, Glenn.
) Just to keep you up to speed, Terri, we're going to do a companion launch for Digital Playgrounds tonight at the Learning Centre at 7:00pm.
All right? And we just need you to pop a press pack in the Coverley microwave and let us know when you've pinged.
Sorry, I don't think I'll be able to get that cleared before six so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't it? Terri, we don't need clearance.
We're not covering a Beatles track, we're the fucking government.
I'm sorry but I do need to get that through Number 10 before I can do anything.
Was Terri in the meeting earlier? Yeah, she was Fergus.
I know she was there because I heard her humming the theme to Call The Midwife.
Yes, well, Stewart was very clear about this protocol.
It's about the only thing he has been clear about.
The policy has been agreed.
This is just an additional publicity push.
Adam, I'm sorry if you think I'm being obstructive but I cannot and I will not do as you ask.
Well, you can't stop me, Terri, OK? You cannot win, Nurse Ratched, because this is my moment.
Now, you like musicals.
Well, this is Tonight from West Side Story, And I am going to bring the bloody house down so you can't rain on my parade, funny girl! Why don't you go and have a lie down and a Hob Nob while we run the fucking country, all right? Anything else? No, don't think so.
Thank you, Minister.
Did you see me being deliberately less professional than usual? You'll be gone by midday.
Yes! Thank God.
I don't understand, what's the difference between upload and download? Er, well you download porn although you could upload porn but you'd have to, you have to make some porn first.
Does it have to be porn? Is it compulsory? Look, please, guys, can you stop saying porn? Did you say porn? Porn? What's he doing? Projecting it onto the building? Is he on top of everything? Mentioning pornography's a definite no-no.
Oh, really(?) OK, so maybe I'll tell him not to big up any jihad sites either or give out the PM's email address? Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
'Thanks, Terri, that's very helpful, bye.
' Does he understand the? Oh, she's hung up.
Ever the charmless minor royal.
And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frog spawn, "Upload your future?" That sounds great.
No pronunciation traps.
You know what happened to the Chancellor at the Brits.
Tinny Tempah.
It could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with "Ma niggaz.
" Oh, I can't get my head round this whole digital dividend element.
Kids design apps, whatever the hell they are.
Don't say, "What are apps?" He knows what an app is.
That Ocado thing I put on your iPhone's an app.
And the On This Day in Jazz History thing I gifted you.
You love that.
The best thing is you just stick with that.
"I call app Britain.
" "I call up Britain.
" "I call app Britain.
" App.
"I call app Britain.
" "I call app Britain.
" Is there some whistle Fergus blows that only you can hear? It's called being wanted, Terri.
Right, he can go for a start.
He makes more noise breathing than he does fucking talking.
What the fuck does a Statistical Procurement Officer do anyway? Fuck all.
Same as the rest of them.
Speaking of which, Glenn.
Always on the horizon like a fucking Antony Gormley statue.
Arms outstretched covered in rust.
Just let it go to voicemail.
No, his messages are always so long and pleading.
Hi, Glenn? Where have you two gone? We thought we'd go through the redundancies away from the dead-eyed stare of the zombie army.
Ah, good thinking, yeah.
Look, I could help prioritise that kill list, you know? There are some people who want out.
Terri for instance.
'Oh, that's no problem, Mannion fucking hates her.
' It's one of the few things that brings us together.
Is that a fruit machine I hear? 'Are, are you in the local?' Erm, no.
Right, OK, I'll be with you in ten.
And erm, Ferg, mine's a G and a slimline T, OK? See you in a mo.
Why is it that Silicon Valley is in America when we have so many net-savvy tech heads here? They may have the silicon chip, but, er, we have the silicon chap.
And of course, chap-esses.
Er, er, and we want you to design game apps for use in the classroom.
Sorry to interrupt, erm, it's not game apps, we're actually looking for educational apps.
Erm, of, of course.
That'sthat's why I'm here to say, I call you up, app, II call app Britain.
Andand everyone will benefit.
Notnot financially, er, not cash in hand, of course.
All profits will be stored as part of a digital dividend.
Which Are you saying that if I wrote an app I wouldn't get any money for it? I would be working for free? If you don't mind we'll keep the Q&A to the end.
Whatwhat I wanted to Sorry, why can't you just answer him now? Charlotte.
The other lady was allowed to interrupt.
Yes, butbut she's my lady.
LAUGHTER Whatwhatwhatwhat what was your question again? Why won't we profit from this? Oh, but you would.
Er, maybe I didn't explain it properly.
What, what's your name? Rajesh.
I'm sorry? Rajesh, Raj.
Well, erm Rajesh Raj, erm GIGGLING Right.
Well, erm, what I what I wanted to say is that you would ermerprofit, err, that any profits you made would be, erm, offset against tuition fees Sorry, we don't believe in tuition fees.
Well, err, what's? Charlotte.
That's an easier one.
Fuck me, I feel like I've just been pushed out of a plane.
I make apps, I sell them through Apple and I get paid for it.
Good for you, Ra erm, good for you, but, but, but with us, you let us license it as part of the networked nation policy.
We all put in, you see What do you put in to the networked nation? Well, erm I am a minister.
But what do you actually do? I, ertake thethe .
science that, that you made earlier and I .
apply it in .
scenarios that are cost effective.
Well, at least I got "I call app Britain," right.
Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
Hooray! You got the title right.
Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.
You're going to have to issue an apology.
I'm not going back there and saying, "Oh, that moment when I mistook "an abbreviation of your name for your surname, sorry.
" I'll look completely mental.
You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
You have to apologise for the follow up as well.
"Charlotte, that's an easier name.
" But it is! That's a fact, not a judgement! Great, Stewart.
Stewart, hello.
'Can I speak to Peter, please?' I wish your friend had an app that would deliver Stewart a dead cat in a box.
Congratulations, Peter.
Silicon Playgrounds has now been dubbed Mannion's Workhouse Web.
Well, it's not my fault if they misinterpreted something that I said I never understood.
Oh for fuck's I literally can't believe this man.
Is he trying to get sacked? What he's done is close to resting his cock on his boss's wife's shoulder.
So, who's going to be Santa Claus, eh? What? Who's getting the sack? Oh, for fu! I need to get back to DoSAC.
I was looking forward to my G&T.
Why don't you stay here and creep out the barmaid? Use your unplucked flower line.
Peter Mannion just got the name wrong, that's Well, names are very difficult.
Sometimes people spell Terri with a Y not an I but I don't complain.
Yes, all right I do complain but Coverley comms.
Heads up, OK, just keep moving.
Minister, can we get a comment on the secretary's speech this morning? Is it true you're planning for young children to work designing apps for free? I understand thethe Secretary of State mademade a speech.
Obviously II haven't seen that speech.
He said profits would be offset against tuition fees which implies pupils will be working for their education.
Let me be very clear the digital dividend element of this scheme is optional.
If they prefer pupils can be paid in cash.
So this isn't about turning schools into workhouses then? Erm, no.
Maybe Peter did come across as more of a fibre-optic Fagin than he might have intended.
Thank you.
REPORTERS SHOU Minister, other way, other way, other way, other way.
Minister, why are you at home in the middle of a working day? Erm, it'sit's my 30th anniversary and I popped home for lunch after the Silicon Playgrounds launch which is literally round the corner and I'll be staying late to make up for it.
Are you turning schools into teenage sweatshops? III'm sorry if this is proving a complex idea.
Pupils will receive a digital dividend towards their higher education fees.
The dividend is optional, though.
You can get cash instead? No, you can't.
I'm sorry.
We're quoting your junior minister.
I see.
Minister, do you think you came across this morning as a fibre-optic Fagin? That's a ridiculous phrase.
Well, that again is a quote from your junior minister.
Minister, is that a bottle of champagne? Drinking on the job, Minister? ItIt's aa half bottle.
As I said, it is my anniversary and I have just recycled it.
Er, thank you.
Less of a Fagin and more of an Artful Dodger, is that what this is? Run those fuckers over.
50 quid for every one you maim.
I've got a blank page.
You dictate.
It should have been done like, an hour ago.
Thanks a fucking bunch, mate! I couldn't have looked more of a twat unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits.
I'm angry too, Peter.
I spent a lot of time on that policy that you just raped in a ditch.
Your stupid idea in the first place.
What are your ideas, Peter? We'd love to hear them! A public information film on the best wine to have with fish? A butler on every street corner? This is a long game, Fergus.
I've been around a lot longer than you and I'll still be here when they rip your name off your door and turn your office back into something useful like a spare toilet.
Both of you desist! You have caused me to raise my voice and I do not like it.
I reserve this level of anger for when I'm flying Ryanair.
Peter's palace, now! Drinking champagne in the middle of the day during a recession! Who do you think you are? P Diddy? It was a half bottle on my 30th anniversary and I was recycling it.
At least give me credit for that.
Sorry, Peter, I take it all back.
As strong a defence as the fertiliser in my home-made bomb was organic! What have you got planned for this evening, dancing girls? Garage, car, hosepipe.
The anniversary present your wife's been dreaming of.
Fergus, what about you? I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds properly at a learning centre.
Something you didn't clear through me! You announced this before Peter took his daily gaffe dump.
What was the word I used this morning? You used a lot of words.
It was like a fucking Will Self lecture.
What was the word I used? Coalition.
Boom! So you will go to the learning centre where you will re-explain Silicon Playgrounds with Peter who will make an abject grovelling apology for being a both a digitard and an elderly racist.
So first you take the policy away from me for Peter to screw up, then you take salvaging the policy away from me for Peter to screw up.
Good yeah, that's just great(!) I'm bored of this.
I'm going for a Twix.
Adam's coming.
Oh, not on my watch.
Oh, here we go.
You shall not pass.
You couldn't keep the cast of Glee out.
Is Peter sharing a car with Fergus? Wait here, I'll check.
Yes go, run many miles.
Make heart soar like eagle.
Peter says he's sorry but he doesn't have any child seats fitted.
Oh, Really? OK, kids, Raj can make it for eight o'clock.
What's going on? Have you two just kissed? Give him this, final list of staff cuts.
Needs his signature.
If it makes him happier, he can pretend he's sectioning you.
Sure, but tonight Dobby does not ride with Dumbledore.
Oh, fucking hell.
Brilliant(!) Does he have any references based in reality? Listen, don't fuck about.
Just make sure Fergus gets Peter to the church on time, OK? All right, get a boyfriend.
Oh, come out.
She's not on the fucking list! Will you please tell me why Terri Coverley is not on this list? Sorry Peter, she's too expensive to get rid of.
Christ, Fergus we both know she's a fart in a frock and I want to waft it out of here.
My hands are tied.
Fuck you! You're not getting in my car tonight! What a very principled stand you're taking.
Did you see how stressed Mannion was there? Soon he'll be so weak and disorientated he'll stagger off in the night like a tramp who's stood up too quickly.
No, I don't think today is our entire marriage in a nutshell.
Well, we had champagne and your sister wasn't there.
All I'm saying is that sometimes it's necessary to lose the battle in order to win the war.
Or lose your mind to believe all the crap you come out with.
Ah here he is, the King of Sheba.
Er, Terri.
Sorry, do you mind holding? Jesus.
Just pass it to me.
Why don't you get in the front? We can't all get No inconvenience at all.
Budge up.
II think you'd be more comfortable in the front.
It's not a problem in any way.
Minister, ministers is it true that you hate each other? Not at all.
Of course, we're not strangers to a frank exchange of views.
Have you been forced to come here together? I think I can say in all candour that no one could force me to stand next to this man.
Ah, Raj.
Thank you so much for coming.
Good to see you, Peter Pete.
Err, I'd like to thank er, er, Raj here for pointing out the flaws in Fergus's and, and my Silicon Playground scheme.
Yeah, and we'd love you to become a silicon player, Raj.
Help us nail it, yeah? Yeah, sure, if you pay me.
Can you get me a chicken and cashew nut? Get your usual order, dead dog's dicks.
They're still down at the centre.
No, my children, not them I'm looking for but you.
I thought while they were dovetailing we might chat the chit.
There's no reason why we can't go bigger on this.
With the spread of computer literacy across all demographics.
We could be having silicon pubs, silicon prisons, silicon care homes.
I mean this way we really would have a networked nation guys.
Silicon banks.
Silicon hospitals.
Silicon buses.
Err, silicon phones, silicon lights, silicon plants No, Phil, don't just say what you fucking see.
Why don't we hive mind on this? Get our best brains on it.
Adam come and join us.
Phil, go make us some ginseng tea.
You're getting a coffwee, coffee with wee in it.
So the core question here is can we engender the same sense of pan-demographic communalities we had in the war, but furrowed into the digital revolution, hmm? Do you have milk in ginseng? No.
Simeon, hi.
Yeah he is, he's with me.
Number 10.
Apparently your phone's off.
That's because my mind is in give mode not receive mode.
Simeon, hi.
No, no, no, no, no, don't say that.
No, no don't drown the kitten here! Look, we're cooking up the Schlieffen plan for the mind here! No, I'm sorry I don't believe he said that.
OK, curious.
What's happened? Silicon Playgrounds, erm dead.
Too much confusion and negativity.
Says who? The PM.
Oh, for God's sake.
Interesting, he's never used a conduit to deliver bad news before.
Sorry should I not have left the bags in? No, they look lovely.
Are you all right, Stewart, can I? No, I'm erm, I am I'm going to go and rest my eyes on the river.
He touched me.
Well, landmark day.
We bring in an idea, you like it, you nick it, you put two bullets in the back of its head.
Snuff politics, you've got to laugh.
It's good to see Stewart lost for multi syllables though.
Have you ever seen him like that before? Never.
He took the morning off when Steve Jobs died.
But otherwise, been seven years of ear piss.
Ah, look at us, Fergus We're such good friends.
It's like Ike and Tina Turner.
Or Caligula and his horse.
This will cheer you up.
Your boss has chucked Silicon Playgrounds down a well and poured a bucket of shit after it.
Whole day, it's been an excruciating waste of time.
Am Iam I needed? We'll get back to you on that.
We can stop pretending to like each other now.
Maybe it would be better if we actually did try to get on rather than just pretending.
Maybe it would.
Have a good, erm what's left of the evening.
OK, darling I'm on my way.
Finally got rid of Captain fucking Scarlet.
DoSAC please Martin.
Terri, hi, it's Glenn.
Silicon Playgrounds has been axed and so's your evening! They want you to come in and draft a press release.
And by draft I mean work on it all night.
Oh, no.
Looks like he's going back to DoSAC.
I'm sorry Tina I'm going to have to turn round.
Are you about to head off? I'm sorry it should be 11 at the latest.
Could, could, could you just put something eggy on a tray for me? Andand then we will snuggle, I promise.
The Leader of the Opposition is in that room, Malcolm, practicing walking.
It does seem to be taking an awfully long time.
Is that too bouncy? It's Remembrance Sunday! We haven't got any fucking power.
We're like a family in a Cuban slum.
It's important that we rise above partisan politics, Dan.
So that, Dan I feel like I should put the poppy wreath around my neck and take 40 paracetamol.

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