The Tick (1994) s01e01 Episode Script

The Tick vs. The Idea Men

[Man coughs] And how long have you been a superhero? Me? Well, I guess I've always been a superhero.
- [Coughs] I don't know much else.
- [Feedback] Arthur, what's the Tick really like? The Tick? He's great.
He's hard to work with sometimes, but he's stronger than anybody.
Listen! Ours is an epic tale.
True friendship, heart-stopping danger, men and women in tights making the rules and breaking 'em.
We are not two men.
We are ten men! Listen.
It all started in Reno.
Every year heroes flock to the National Super Institute to compete for the best cities to protect from crime.
[MC] Laies an gentlemen, the Blowfish Avenger! [Crowd murmurs] Blowfish gets New Rochelle.
Way to go, Blow! [Tick] One year I ecie to compete.
[Grunting] - Hello, Reno! - [Feedback] I am the Tick! I am mighty! Now, you may ask, "But how does one prove one's mightiness?" To this I reply, "By surviving the deadliest engine of destruction You may want to shield yourselves with your dessert menus.
I might be dangerous! Well, this is disappointing.
Whoa! An the rest is history! [Buzzer] [Man scats] [Coyote howls] [Groans] Ah, destiny! Destiny's powerful hand has made the bed of my future.
And it's up to me to lie in it.
I am destined to be a superhero.
To right wrongs and pound two-fisted justice into the hearts of evildoers everywhere.
You don't fight destiny, no sir! And you don't eat crackers in the bed of your future, or you get all [passengers groan] scratchy.
Hey, I'm narrating here! [Coughs] They've assigned me a city.
My mission: To free it from the ravages of evil and super-villainy so its citizens may sleep easy, secure in the knowledge that they are protected.
The city.
My, the city! It cries to me of its need.
[Superhero] Excuse me.
[Coughs] Arthur? Yes, Mr.
Arthur I'm afraid the firm feels that it's time to allow you the opportunity to pursue other avenues of employment.
I'm fired? - Is there a problem with my work? - Oh no, Arthur, no! It's It's that stupid bunny outfit! Oh, no.
Not bunny, sir.
It's my moth suit.
Actually it's a flying suit.
The wings are in my briefcase.
Arthur, you're making the other accountants nervous.
We all find this kind of rampant individuality very disturbing.
I know you think I'm crazy, Mr.
But I'm not.
It's just Ever since I found this suit I've felt strange new needs.
I can't live this life a moment longer.
Somewhere out there a destiny of adventure and excitement waits for me.
Accounting is a fine skill to fall back on, but the road less-traveled, much less-traveled, the moth-suit-and-wings road, is a lot more exciting than taxes! [Smashing glass] City, it is I, the Tick! Your destined defender.
Show me where it hurts.
Tall! - [Elevator music] - [Humming] [Hums] [Bell pings] Oh, there's crime here.
I can smell it.
I can taste it! So shall I begin my first patrol of the city, with one giant leap! Soon they will know me.
Soon they will need me.
Well, great! Now I'm unemployed.
How am I gonna find adventure when I can't even cover my expenses? [Smashing] And double-flip! I'll bounce off that flagpole and flip to safety.
Ah-ha! I'll bounce off that broad, flat, surface.
If I don't eat out and reverse my underwear to get an extra day Or maybe not.
[Screams] Gravity is a harsh mistress.
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
I'm a superhero.
I'm nigh invulnerable! I'm built for this kind of thing.
- Nice outfit! - A superhero? Known to evildoers everywhere as the Tick! I'm Arthur.
Known to taxpayers everywhere as the accountant.
- I'm looking for adventure.
- Hmm.
Come have lunch with me, Arthur.
Adventure will follow! [Slurps] [Both slurp] Why would they send a superhero of my caliber to a place like this? I'm not sure this city even needs a champion.
[Customer] So, you're a superhero, huh? And what sort of costume is that? Costume? No costume, friend.
I am simply the Tick.
Well, you can't be the Tick.
Ticks are arachnids.
They got eight legs.
How do you know I don't? Ticks suck blood.
Do you suck blood? Uh yeah.
I suck blood all the time.
- Yeah, right! - Look! I got a straw right here, pal.
You want a demonstration? Uh No, no.
Thanks, no.
[Explosion] - An explosion! - Come, Arthur.
Evil is afoot.
A foot? That's funny.
I have only seconds to shed my everyday disguise.
This looks like a job for - [woman] There's somebody in here! - Occupied! [Alarm bell] This looks like a job for the Caped Chameleon! [Muffled cries] Hey, they've got guns.
This is definitely illegal.
[Arthur groans] Arthur, do you fly? My wings are in my briefcase.
Back at the diner.
I'll go get them.
No time, chum! [Arthur whimpers] [Agitated mumbling] I think I'll just lie down here for a second.
Criminals, you face the sworn protector of this fair city.
You face the Tick! [Defiant mumbling] Speak up.
I can't understand a word you're saying through those stupid masks.
[Angry mumbling] Enunciate! Can't do plaid.
Eat desk! [Groaning] Are we dead yet? Far from it, Arthur.
We have them on the run.
Onward! Hey, cool! They got a blimp.
[Presenter] That was the scene toay at the Rive Droite bank as the mysterious gang known as the lea Men struck again, continuing their terrible crime wave.
It was the sixth time in as many days that the baffling criminals have descended from the sky to literally lift the city's most valued assets.
But toay their nefarious plot was thwarte by an heroic blue stranger.
Hey, cool! They got a blimp.
Our modest blue benefactor exited the scene without comment.
The Idea Men menace is far from over, says Mayor Blank.
We have reason to believe that these criminals have been merely practicing for a much larger caper.
We'll have more on this story as it develops.
Meanwhile, on a lighter note Clowns! [Chuckles] I always have trouble with these keys.
Well, this is my place.
What do you think? It's great! It looks just like an apartment.
Where's your secret-headquarters trigger? - Is this it? - No, wait! You know, the trigger.
Like a statue that you twist and then everything flips over and your crime-busting equipment pops out! - This is it, right? - No! What does your sofa turn into? Your radar perimeter defense unit? No! It turns into a bed.
Please, this is just an apartment.
- It is? - Yes, yes! Oh.
Well, this place'll take a lot of work if it's gonna be our headquarters.
- No! - No? I don't know.
I just don't know if I'm ready for this.
- Too much excitement and adventure.
- [Snapping] - I think I'm going crazy.
- You're not going crazy, Arthur.
You're going sane in a crazy world! Some people are destined for greater things! Arthur, you are one of those people.
You can't hide from it.
You've got to hug it.
Hug your destiny, Arthur! Hug it.
I I think I'll just sleep on it, OK? That's fine, my small friend.
You rest up and I will monitor the culture.
Taste me! That's Drama Flakes' tasty challenge.
Attractive, successful people love Drama Flakes.
Guarantee to make your life more ramatic an eventful with every golen spoonful.
Just listen to them! Get an earful.
[Screaming] Goo evening.
This is Sally Vacuum with a special report.
I'm at the the city hyroelectric plant.
Apparently the notorious lea Men have taken the city am hostage although we can't unerstan a wor they're saying.
- [Mumbles] - What? I'm sorry.
We in't get that.
[Mumbles] Good heavens! They're going to flood the city.
Arthur, get up! The city calls upon her steadfast protectors.
[Stutters] What? This looks like a job for Bipolar Bear! But I just can't seem to get out of bed this month.
This looks like a job for Captain Lemming! [Thud] Come on, spine.
Work with me! Uh, excuse me, miss.
I've got to change my outfit.
This looks a job for the Human Bullet.
Fire me, boy! - Get those wings on.
- This isn't such a good idea.
- Put them on.
- I'm not so good at this.
- You'll get better.
- I've never flown before.
Not a problem.
No, no, no, no.
Changed my mind, wanna come down.
It's your destiny, Arthur.
Hug it! [Yells] I'm very frightened.
No, Arthur.
You're very flying! You see, no more doubting yourself! Now, onto the dam! We have work to do.
We're all out of roofs.
What happens now? - Wow! - Wow! All out of roofs, eh? - Uh, yeah.
- Guess so.
Die Fledermaus! I should have known you'd be out tonight.
Well, if it isn't American Maid, the world's most patriotic domestic.
This looks like a job for Die Fledermaus, not some mop squeezer.
Why don't you go scrub out a toilet somewhere? Why don't you go smell up some cave? People, people! There's a dam about to blow up.
We should team up and use all our resources to battle this evil.
- [Both] Team up? - I'm not gonna team up with her.
There's that fear of commitment again.
Oh, listen to Miss Intimacy here.
- Jerk.
- Jingoist.
- Rabid goon.
- Clean freak.
Some people just shouldn't be in this business.
[Bickering continues] - To the dam! - But how? We'll figure it out.
- You are so incredibly immature! - Hey, sticks and stones, baby.
Amateurs! None of them really know how to handle evil.
This looks like a job for Bigshot! [Cackles] The mayor is arriving and it looks like he's brought the ransom money.
Mayor Blank, are you actually going to give in to the Idea Men's criminal demands? Well, Sally, let me put it this way.
How well can you swim? [laughs] But seriously, we have no choice.
They have our dam and no force on earth can stop 'em now.
[Groans] Uh, let's see.
15 per cent of Arthur! Onward! Oh, just keep the change.
[Gasps] [Tick] Arthur! Seconds from now, the mayor will hand over a briefcase containing $10 million, the biggest ransom ever paid in the city's history.
[Mumbling] Look! [Mumbling] [Triumphant mumbling] They must have gotten their money.
Hey! They got their money and they're still gonna blow up the dam! Oh, no fair! [Mumbling] OK, Idea Man.
What's the big idea? Well We thought we'd steal a lot of money and then we'd be rich and we wouldn't have to work anymore.
You cads! Now turn off your bomb.
We can't.
Once it's activated it can't be shut off.
What are you doing? Shh! I'm defusing it.
[Frantic mumbling] [Gunfire] [Cackles] Hmm.
Guns and superheroes don't mix.
- Seek professional help.
- [Beeping] My goodness! I'm a walking time bomb.
Get out of my way! Why didn't you love me, Mom? [Sobs] [Frantic mumbling] [Anxious mumbling] [Coughs] I guess we saved the city.
For the moment, yes, my friend.
But, with luck, our future holds still more dire threats, more perilous plots.
Wherever villainy rears its great big head, wherever evil sets its giant, ill-smelling foot, you will find the Tick! Oh! And Arthur, his, uh sidekick! Good show! And yes, my sidekick Arthur.
Certainly a force to be reckoned with.
And so, may evil beware! And may good dress warmly and eat plenty of fresh vegetables.
- [Thud] - [Human Bullet] I'm OK.