The Tick (1994) s01e11 Episode Script

The Tick vs. the Mole-men

[Alarm buzzing] [Sign buzzing] [Man on P.
] I repeat, the mayor has issue a city-wie alert.
The governor's office is expecte to eclare a state of emergency within the hour.
As of this report, the entire municipal area has been evacuate.
We are uner attack! Things so monstrous, terror unleashe from the sacre cotton cany place of our reams, if anyone is out there listening, get out of town before it gets to you! An I'm out of here.
[Explosions] [Tick] It was nice of your sister to lend us her car so we could go to Wheatland.
Ah, who would have thought a theme park with a grain motif could be so much fun? - What's going on here? - [Tick] That fiber-diet roller coaster, riding a bran muffin through a giant digestive tract, truly thrilling.
We haven't seen anyone since we got inside city limits.
You're right, Arthur.
The traffic did seem a little light for this time of day.
- Where is everybody? - Don't know.
But, it's starting to smell a little like danger in here.
[Sniffing] Or heavily fried food.
Hey, guys.
Say [clears throat] Would you mind if I borrowed your car? I'm sort of in a hurry, and we need to get out of town.
Oh, yeah, bad, very bad, uh-oh.
[Car tires screeching] [Car sputtering] Hey, look.
It's the Civic-Minded Five.
Are we ever glad to see you guys.
Say, can we, uh, borrow you car? - We've got to get out.
- What's your hurry, Four-Legged Man? Yeah, would someone please tell us what's going on around here? - You mean you don't know? - The city's been evacuated There's already been untold destruction.
It's coming! [Whimpering] Tick, maybe you can do something to stop"it.
" - What is "it"? - What is "it"? - [Booming footsteps approaching] - That's "it"! Yeah, bad, very bad.
Oh, for Pete How bad can "it" be? I'll trot around the corner and make quick work of "it.
" Be back in a jiff.
- [Tick] Whoa.
- [Punching] Clown smash! "Lt" is a clown.
Perhaps I can reason with it.
Hey, there, happy.
[Growls] You know, you really pack a wallop.
But, I don't get it.
Clowns aren't supposed to smash.
They're supposed to make people laugh.
[Snarling, growling] Watch out, Tick.
He looks like he's gonna charge.
Nonsense, Arthur.
Clowns don't charge.
They scamper.
They waddle, they caper, they do funny little jigs to amuse [explosion] [Bird chirping] Evidently, angry clowns do charge.
OK, clown.
The Tick is closing your little circus down.
[Growls] That's it.
Keep on trucking.
Aha! Hello? Hello, clown? [All cheering, laughing] Well, once again we find that clowning and anarchy don't mix.
And even though evil may wear big, funny pants, it [growling] Clown crush.
Ooh, clown hug.
[Straining] Crushing body.
Need to muster strength.
- Break free.
- [Nose honks] - [All laugh] - [Inhaling sharply] [Howling] OK, people, important note.
Do not touch the nose.
Clown smash all.
No! That's my sister's car! Great.
All right, laughing boy.
I'm going to have to put you down before you do some real damage.
Hey, clown! Incoming! - [Grunts] - [All gasp] Tick! Forget about the Tick.
We've got to worry about ourselves.
Clown smash.
[Moaning] Tick Tick.
This is your mind speaking.
[Tick] Oh, hi.
Sorry I haven't been around much, lately.
I'm easily distracted by shiny objects.
Yes, shiny objects are good.
Where am I we, I? - Outer space, it looks like.
- Outer space? Wow.
I thought there was an awful lot of space.
- Why am I here? - Well, that I don't know.
But I guess Hey, did you just ask an existentialist question? - I don't know.
Did I? - You did, you did! Say something else smart and philosophical.
Hmm It's pretty cold out here.
Yes, yes.
It's so true.
We're all born into the cold, unyielding world of nothing.
No blankets, no glove and scarf gift sets.
And why? Why? - You're pretty goofy.
- Oh, yes, yes.
Oh, what a goofy work is man.
Yes! I never knew we were such a spiritual seeker.
- Me neither.
- This could be our big chance.
Tick, let's go on a psychic journey of self discovery.
- OK.
- Great, great.
So, uh, relax and fall into a deep trance.
No problem.
[Mind] You're falling deeper and deeper into your own consciousness.
[Wailing] [Snarling] - [Growls] - [Screams] [Yells, whimpers] We're getting creamed here.
We need to withdraw.
Arthur, I tend to agree.
Something must be done.
Can anyone stop that thing? Heroes? He can stop the clown.
This is Dr.
Bud Frontier.
He's the man who created that monster.
- Bud.
- You created that thing? - Did my taxes pay for this? - Bad, very bad.
I'm sorry.
I haven't got time to explain right now.
I've got to deal with Proto-Clown.
- So stop.
Stop this madness.
- [Growls quizzically] Proto-Clown, listen to me.
Why are you doing this? You were not meant to be a force of devastation.
You have everything a clown could want.
Everything necessary to make the world forget it's troubles and laugh.
- Huh? - That's right, Proto-Clown.
- Don't you see? You're really funny.
- Huh? [howls] Clown smash Bud.
- [Growling] Clown get Bud.
- Uh! [Growling, moaning] That will give us a minute.
Let's get out of here.
- What now? - You and the others get Bud to safety.
He's our only hope.
I'll keep the clown busy.
You can't hold that monster off by yourself.
I'll stay and help.
No, you go.
I'll stay.
Die Fledermaus, you'd stay to help me? Yeah, sure.
What kind of a guy do you think I am? Besides, what can you can do, anyway? Hit it with a shoe? - Don't start with me.
- [Crashing] [Howling] We'll meet at Civic-Minded Five Headquarters.
- If we survive.
- Good luck, kid.
Clown smash! I sure hope the Tick is OK.
[Mind] Tick, this flat, desolate, featureless expanse is your mind.
Wow, it's really flat.
We must cross this region to find the answer to your innermost question.
- What question? - The "why are you here" question.
- Oh, yeah.
That one.
- Follow me.
I shall guide you to the source of your answers.
Huh? What's that? Something shiny! - What? Where? - Out there, come on.
Hey, no fair.
I'm supposed to be the guide, wait up! This is a really great HQ setup.
Feral Boy even has his own doggy door.
Oh, it's not much, but we like it.
Um, you were saying you created Proto-Clown.
- What do you mean? - I guess I owe you good people an explanation.
I've always loved clowns.
As a child they were my favorite part of the circus.
I mean, look, they're funny.
They make people laugh.
Face it, we all love clowns.
I reasoned that if a regular clown were funny, then a larger clown would be even funnier.
And a whole theme park full of giant clowns, now, that would be my gift to the world.
I am a genetic engineer by trae.
I ha spent a great eal of effort in my attempts to buil the perfect clown.
I labore ay an night to perfect the science of clowning.
Nothing else mattere.
[Whimpering] I ha succeee.
You can't know the joy I felt.
My theories were fact.
I possesse the ability to create a super-clown.
The others were not strong enough to survive, but one grew stronger and stronger and became everything I wanted it to be.
This is Proto-Clown, the first and last of it's kind.
[Arthur] My gosh, man! Didn't you realize that it's against the laws of nature? Clowns were never meant to be that big.
I know that now.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, but why is your Proto-Clown wrecking the city? I'm not sure, but I do know it has something to do with me.
- [Door opening] - [All gasp] American Maid! - [Moaning] - Die Fledermaus! [Gasps] What manner of quandary is this? [Laughing] Whoopee! [Panting] You got to slow down, Tick.
Oh, hey, I see you found your pleasure center.
They sound like they're having so much fun.
I have an idea, I'll go take a look.
You wait here.
- Oh, no, you don't.
- Just a short look, won't be long.
Tick, no, don't.
If you go in there, we'll lapse into a coma of pure ecstasy from which we'll never awaken.
Ooh sounds pretty good.
[Grunts] [Yelling] [Splashing] Oh, my mind is a scary place.
- That's bizarre with a capital B.
- [Roars] - Tick, behind you! - Hey! [Sputtering] Tick, Tick, where are you? Tick! [Hissing] You don't date much, do you? Your monster's too tough, Frontier.
I let him have it with both of my shoes, and he still kept coming.
Oh! Both shoes? It is a monster.
Mom! What, where? Oh, the last thing I remember, I was fighting and - Don't you mean fainting? - Ho-ho! I think that clown hit you one time too many, sweetheart.
Regardless, you both acted heroically.
But let's just hope Proto-Clown didn't follow you.
[Crashing] Whoa.
[Growling] Bud! Bud! No, Proto-Clown, stop.
Let's talk.
Hey, I don't think this is a good time for a heart-to-heart.
[Four-Legged Man] Up the stairs, this way.
Clown smash Bud! Boy, when this guy faints, he faints.
[Four-Legged Man] The garage, it's our only chance.
Clown smash! [Booming] - It should have busted in by now.
- Where is it? Huh? What's happening? You don't want to know De-fainter-mouse.
That whole water serpent thing sure ended suddenly.
Yes, these psychic journeys tend to jump around a lot.
That's why you need a good spiritual guide to lead you.
No way.
You don't even know where you're going.
- [Thuds] - [Groans] [Tick] Hey, a giant statue.
- What is it? - [Mind] Oh, sure.
Now you ask.
- This is your self image.
- [Tick] Ooh! I look cool.
This is our chance to delve deep into our psyche and find the immutable truth.
You can ask it one, and only one, question.
OK, OK, one question, check.
[Clears throat] Um [clears throat] Uh How you doing? [Rumbling] Oh, great.
That's your big question? That's your big truth? - You goober.
- Look, thumbs up.
We're doing fine.
[laughs] That's good to know.
Yeah, that last one didn't count, OK? Hello? Hey, hey, hello? [Clears throat] Why are we here? [Rumbling] [Muttering indistinctly] Hey, stop that.
What kind of answer is this? Who are these little guys? We've triggered your defense mechanisms.
Run for it.
I had no idea that I was so defensive.
Ouch! Cut that out! Leave me alone.
[screaming] - It's quiet.
- Almost too quiet.
It was at the door.
We should be hero gumbo by now.
- What happened? - I can't stand it anymore.
You guys can wait for that thing to bust in here and pound you.
I'm getting out.
Oh, man.
Don't you ever knock? Wait, let me through.
I said, let me through.
If he wants me, he can have me.
I'm running no more.
[Proto-Clown grunting] Clown smash Bud.
Smash me, I no longer care.
But tell me, I beseech you, Proto-Clown, why are you so angry? [Grunting, growling] Bud laugh.
Bud laugh at Proto-Clown.
- Yeah, don't laugh, Bud.
- Put a sock in it.
- [Little Ticks muttering] - [Tick screams] - What's this? - Never mind.
Just push the up button.
Push the up button! Come on, come on.
- Come on.
- [Door rings] [Muttering, moaning] Eww.
I don't think I'll be able to eat fish for a while.
Hey, Mind, where are we? This is your escalator of enlightenment.
[Tick] Ooh, really? What do I need one of these for? - [Stairs screech] - [Mind] Oh, gee, I guess I don't know.
At this rate, you'll be back to midget land in no time.
- No more midgets.
- Hurry up.
What's keeping you? [Panting] I don't have little wings on my head like some people.
Hup, hup, hup, hup! What's the matter, getting tired? No pain, no gain, little mister.
Must make it, must succeed.
Must be all that I can be! [Grunting] Whoa.
Congratulations, you've reached the top! For further enlightenment, you must clear your mind - and step into the void.
- Pardon me? I step off, I fall.
Boy, do I fall.
You faithless Philistine.
You won't fall if you clear your mind and believe.
Cover your eyes and clear your consciousness.
Hurry up, chop-chop.
- Is it clear? - Uh-huh.
- You sure it's clear now? - Yeah.
- Are you absolutely sure? - Yes.
- Without a shadow of - I said yes! It's clear! - Good.
- What? [Hollering] Oh, yeah.
Really clear.
So why are we falling? - You said your mind was clear.
- It was clear.
I mean, except for stuff.
No time for excuses.
There's only one way out of this.
Why are you here? Wait, I know this one.
Now, don't tell me.
I'm here because a big clown hit me! Now, now, see there? That wasn't so hard.
- How do you feel? - I feel I feel hot.
That would be re-entry.
I mean, I'm really burning up here.
It's a dry heat too.
I never realized how you felt, Proto-Clown.
I'm so sorry.
I was so busy with my own humor needs, I wasn't thinking about you.
From now on, I'll never laugh at you again.
Clown love Bud.
Bud love clown.
[All] Aww.
- [Horn honks] - [All giggle] - The nose! [chuckles] - [Growls] No, wait, Proto-Clown! It was an accident.
Bud laugh.
Bud's friends laugh.
Clown smash, then clown laugh! [laughs] [Snarling] [Tick whizzing through air] [Groaning] [All cheering] - Tick, you're back.
- I am? - You saved us all.
- I did? Oh, I see.
Well, yes, I guess I did.
All in a day's work, right, Arthur? I'm glad to see you too, Tick.
[Bud] I guess I'll just take him back to my lab and somehow make him less funny.
Maybe if I disconnect the honking nose, things will work out.
All I wanted to do was make people happy.
And now all I'm responsible for is city-wide damage.
Why? How? Don't take it so hard, mister.
There are many mysteries in this universe, big and small.
Like, why do clowns make us laugh? Why do we love puppy dogs? And why why do little blue midgets hit me with fish? - [All] What? - See what I mean? Mysteries abound.