The Tick (1994) s02e04 Episode Script
Coach Fussell's Lament
[alarm buzzing.]
[sign buzzing.]
[ticking.]
[crash.]
[grunting, exclaiming.]
You see, Arthur, a superhero should always speak from his diaphragm, never from his throat.
Here, listen to the difference.
- [grunting.]
- [crashing.]
[high-pitched.]
Your bullets can't harm me.
You see, that's from the throat.
Now, here's the diaphragm: [deeply.]
Your bullets can't harm me.
See what I mean? Now, you try it.
Tick! There you go, a little better.
Try taking a deep breath first.
Forget about the diaphragm, OK? Look what you're doing to the buildings.
Price of justice, chum! [yells.]
We've started getting letters from the City Buildings Commission.
- If you would just look where you're - [both grunt, screaming.]
Arthur! - Are you hurt? - What's the matter with you? - You ran right into me.
- What's a matter for you? - I had the right of way.
- Like fun, you did.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah! Say, don't I know you from somewhere? - I doubt it.
- I know! You're the guy who lives in the park! My name is Leonardo da Vinci.
You mean the brilliant 15th century artist, scientist and inventor? [chuckling.]
Well I don't like to boast.
Yada-yada-yada.
Nice try, pal.
Let's see your license and insurance information.
Very well.
- Satisfied? - [stuttering.]
But - What are you doing here? - Well, it's a long story.
I was in my atelier,you see, working on a new painting.
- [woman.]
Oh, Leo! - One moment, my dear.
I had just had an inspiration for my hydraulic pump.
First it's the map of celestial bodies.
Then it's the pump.
Now it's the submarine.
Can't you just stick to my portrait? What? Oh, yes, the submarine.
Thanks for reminding me.
That's a nice smile.
Leo! Patience, my dear.
As soon as I finish the screen door for my submarine Ooh! [both screaming.]
[yells.]
Where are we? What is this? [man.]
Well, look who's dropped in.
I am honored to have such distinguished guests.
Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb and phonograph.
- Things electrical.
- What? Johann Gutenberg, father of the printing press.
[speaks German.]
George Washington Carver, inventor of 300 uses for the peanut.
- And still counting.
- Ben Franklin, - scientist, inventor and statesman.
- You forgot author.
Whatever.
Next to Franklin, you've got Leonardo da Vinci, painter, inventor, all-around Renaissance man.
And the Mona Lisa, his most famous subject.
Sorry to suck you into this, miss.
And finally, the inventor of the wheel, whose name has been lost in the sands of time.
- Uh what is it, dear? - Wheel.
[sniffing.]
Say, Wheel, ever think of inventing the bath? [growling.]
Well, you all think you're pretty special, don't you? Inventing all those great advances in technology, changing the course of human development with your works.
You arrogant jerks.
Try inventing something these days, why don't you? All the easy stuff has been done already.
I could've done moveable type, Gutenberg, easy! And Edison, the light bulb? A snap! Carver, I invented peanut brittle when I was four.
So I had to get my stomach pumped.
So what?! Easy! My plan is quite simple.
You see, using this time machine, I've kidnapped you from your historical eras, and brought you to the end of the twentieth century.
With this very same device, I will send a time bomb, which I could've invented if I hadn't been thrown out of air conditioner repair school.
Back to the Renaissance and blow it to kingdom come! Thereby, casting the world back to the Dark Ages! No phonograph, no printing press, no peanut butter! - You get the idea.
- This guy's skipping without a rope.
- What? - Never mind.
Then, with your kind assistance, I'll reinvent all the technological achievements of the past 600 years, take all the credit, and control all the world's technology! - I heard you.
- Not bad, huh? Stew in your juices, gentlemen.
I'll need your minds fresh for our work.
[door shuts.]
Well! But we're not gonna stay here for this.
Right! So how do we get out? We're inventors.
Inventors invent! Or at least in Florence, they do.
Now look, I've got a plan.
But I'm gonna need some help.
Can somebody give me a hand with these bunk beds? - That should do it.
- Right.
There's no time to waste.
Huh.
As soon as I can find some help, I'll be back for the rest of you.
- Onward! Ciao.
- Be careful, Leo! And that's when you crashed into me.
Wait.
If this Mother of Invention destroys the Renaissance, anything could happen.
We might be thrown back into the Dark Ages.
Or we might never have existed at all.
Well, then.
There's no time to lose.
We must storm this madman's lab, destroy his villainous bomb and return the inventors to their rightful places in history! That's the general idea, Tick.
But first I'll need to build a new flying machine.
- Oh, no.
- [Leonardo.]
Hey, little bunny guy.
Would you mind giving me a hand with that couch? - [Arthur.]
But - [Tick.]
Not at all.
For the Renaissance, chum! - [crash.]
- [Arthur wincing.]
What? Where is Leonardo da Vinci? - [all.]
We don't know.
- [Wheel.]
He flew up through hole.
In giant bird made of bunk beds.
Bunk beds? Nuts! I knew that guy would be trouble.
Well, I'll give him a history lesson he won't forget.
Haven't invented lying yet either, have you? - Nope.
- What? [snarling.]
Relax, fools.
They're on our side.
Boys, I've got a job for you.
I want you to find this fellow and bring him back here to me.
Can you do that? - What's in it for us? - What do you mean? I thought you guys loved to throw your weight around.
- Nobody get it for free, pal.
- Wonderful.
Everybody has an angle.
All right, what do you want? - Maybe we take over the world - Frankincense Four goat, pound of myrrh and sheep for me.
Now listen, this device tracks temporal anomalies.
- Easy, easy! - [device beeping.]
All you've got to do is follow the flashing arrow and you'll find da Vinci.
[all.]
Follow the flashing arrow? So Vince, what's it like being a genius? I know you're smart and all, but all that thinking, doesn't it hurt? Anything else you'll need to destroy? My desk? My refrigerator? My bike? You got a bike? Oh, he sure does, Vince.
He keeps it in the closet.
I'll go get it.
Tick, wait a minute! [stuttering.]
But that's my bike! [Tick.]
Stand back, Arthur.
Genius at work.
Let me have those pedals.
And the chain.
Aah, perfetto! [Tick.]
Man, you're handy.
Ooh, oh Vince, in the Renaissance, how big were the dinosaurs? - [all snarling.]
- [device beeping.]
Hey, what? What are you guys doing? Hand over the brainiac, and nobody get hurt.
Fashion victims, you've crashed the wrong party.
This ain't no party, pal.
Now fork over da Vinci! Hey, doesn't "breaking and entering" mean anything to you? [all screaming.]
[groaning.]
[men screaming.]
- Get the bunny guy! - I'm a moth, and you get away! Go away! - Stand back! - Hey, man.
Easy with that kitchen magic, OK? I'm gonna turn you into whipped cream.
He is the evil one! Aah! - [screaming.]
- [door slams.]
[howling.]
[moaning.]
So much for my security deposit.
[Mother of Invention.]
I don't get it.
How hard can it be to capture a defenseless middle-aged scientist? You don't understand, boss.
He was joined by this giant blue insect with the strength of many Mongols.
The Tick.
[groaning.]
We're going to need reinforcements.
I got a lot of friends back in Mongolia.
I could make some calls.
I do the thinking around here.
You just concentrate on being vicious and hairy.
Besides, I've got something better in mind.
None of these escape plans will work.
We don't have the materials.
Yeah, 'cause da Vinci took all the good stuff.
Good what? If I could just get to those peanuts, I'd have us out of here in a flash.
- [bellowing.]
- [shrieking.]
- Look, Wheel is out! - OK.
Get that intercom box over there.
- And that hand truck.
- And those peanuts.
[indistinct mumbling.]
Press hard, you're making three copies.
Sign here for dental plan.
[mumbling.]
[chuckling.]
I'm flying! - [both gasping.]
- Oh, boy.
I swoop! I soar! The city laps at my heels like a grateful puppy.
I am the eagle king of all I survey.
I am become Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds! Tick! Take it easy.
You're moving around too much.
Sorry, chum.
I just got [moans, chuckles.]
nose itch.
- Bad one.
- Oh, no.
Oh, not now, Tick! Yes, now! Must get scratch nose! Tick, no! [screams.]
Hang on.
I'll try to I can't reach! [gasping.]
Ooh [moaning in delight.]
Oh, yeah, that's so good.
Watch out! Your wing! [all hollering.]
[Mother of Invention.]
Well, well, welcome back, Leonardo.
I see you have some new friends.
Unfortunately, I will have to destroy them.
Oh, yeah? You and what army? [Mother of Invention.]
How about this one? - [lights click on.]
- [chattering indistinctly.]
Ooh [chuckling.]
Big.
Really big.
[trumpeting.]
[all bellowing.]
Hey, watch it! [both moaning.]
[Leonardo.]
Now that was definitely your fault.
[Arthur.]
What? - Whoa! - [trumpeting.]
[all screaming.]
Oh, no.
- Hurry! - Just one last letter.
There, it's done.
Let the good times roll! [rock music plays.]
Peanuts, anyone? - [grunting.]
- [struggling.]
[all bellowing.]
I've got a message for you! Someone left the cake out in the rain.
- [trumpeting.]
- [screaming.]
- [all groaning.]
- Can I have one of your hats? He's getting away! Scoundrel, your time is up! Stop right there, or the Renaissance gets it.
It's no use now.
With the inventors free, your plan can never work.
Don't patronize me, buster.
I am a scientist.
Come on, Mom.
Be reasonable.
You can't destroy everything.
Where would you sit? You had your little fun.
Now it's time to go to jail.
Oh, yeah? Tell that to the Renaissance.
The bomb.
We're done for! You're too late.
You're too late! [cackling.]
Maybe not.
Arthur, put this on.
OK.
But I don't like it.
Tick, I don't know how this thing - What do you think? - Well, it's interesting.
Yes, but is it art? Stand back, it's a bomb! That's a matter of opinion, isn't it? Huh? Twenty seconds to save the Renaissance.
It must be a performance piece.
I can't stand that stuff.
I never get it.
- Ooh Wiry! - [machine beeping.]
Oh! Easy.
[exhales deeply.]
Bravo.
That wasn't so bad.
Hmm.
Let's go see the Giotto Tower.
Where's my sheep? We never got paid! - That's because you're losers.
- Oh, yeah? Look who's talking.
Well, everyone, have a nice trip.
Man, I wish I'd invented that.
Well, I guess it's our turn.
I'm gonna miss you guys.
Yeah, good luck with that light ball thing, Tom.
It's "bulb.
" Light bulb.
Boys, boys.
You know, I've heard that the smarter you are, the more wrinkly your brain.
And your guys' brains must be the wrinkliest.
Oh, sure, ordinary Joes like me and Arthur here, maybe our brains are a little on the smooth side.
What? But you don't have to be a genius to know that evil is bad! And good isn't! - Yeah.
- That's a good boy.
Wait a second.
Hey! What happened to the cave lady? [crunching, gulping loudly.]
Here, boys.
Try some of these big red bugs.
They're delicious.
[sign buzzing.]
[ticking.]
[crash.]
[grunting, exclaiming.]
You see, Arthur, a superhero should always speak from his diaphragm, never from his throat.
Here, listen to the difference.
- [grunting.]
- [crashing.]
[high-pitched.]
Your bullets can't harm me.
You see, that's from the throat.
Now, here's the diaphragm: [deeply.]
Your bullets can't harm me.
See what I mean? Now, you try it.
Tick! There you go, a little better.
Try taking a deep breath first.
Forget about the diaphragm, OK? Look what you're doing to the buildings.
Price of justice, chum! [yells.]
We've started getting letters from the City Buildings Commission.
- If you would just look where you're - [both grunt, screaming.]
Arthur! - Are you hurt? - What's the matter with you? - You ran right into me.
- What's a matter for you? - I had the right of way.
- Like fun, you did.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah! Say, don't I know you from somewhere? - I doubt it.
- I know! You're the guy who lives in the park! My name is Leonardo da Vinci.
You mean the brilliant 15th century artist, scientist and inventor? [chuckling.]
Well I don't like to boast.
Yada-yada-yada.
Nice try, pal.
Let's see your license and insurance information.
Very well.
- Satisfied? - [stuttering.]
But - What are you doing here? - Well, it's a long story.
I was in my atelier,you see, working on a new painting.
- [woman.]
Oh, Leo! - One moment, my dear.
I had just had an inspiration for my hydraulic pump.
First it's the map of celestial bodies.
Then it's the pump.
Now it's the submarine.
Can't you just stick to my portrait? What? Oh, yes, the submarine.
Thanks for reminding me.
That's a nice smile.
Leo! Patience, my dear.
As soon as I finish the screen door for my submarine Ooh! [both screaming.]
[yells.]
Where are we? What is this? [man.]
Well, look who's dropped in.
I am honored to have such distinguished guests.
Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb and phonograph.
- Things electrical.
- What? Johann Gutenberg, father of the printing press.
[speaks German.]
George Washington Carver, inventor of 300 uses for the peanut.
- And still counting.
- Ben Franklin, - scientist, inventor and statesman.
- You forgot author.
Whatever.
Next to Franklin, you've got Leonardo da Vinci, painter, inventor, all-around Renaissance man.
And the Mona Lisa, his most famous subject.
Sorry to suck you into this, miss.
And finally, the inventor of the wheel, whose name has been lost in the sands of time.
- Uh what is it, dear? - Wheel.
[sniffing.]
Say, Wheel, ever think of inventing the bath? [growling.]
Well, you all think you're pretty special, don't you? Inventing all those great advances in technology, changing the course of human development with your works.
You arrogant jerks.
Try inventing something these days, why don't you? All the easy stuff has been done already.
I could've done moveable type, Gutenberg, easy! And Edison, the light bulb? A snap! Carver, I invented peanut brittle when I was four.
So I had to get my stomach pumped.
So what?! Easy! My plan is quite simple.
You see, using this time machine, I've kidnapped you from your historical eras, and brought you to the end of the twentieth century.
With this very same device, I will send a time bomb, which I could've invented if I hadn't been thrown out of air conditioner repair school.
Back to the Renaissance and blow it to kingdom come! Thereby, casting the world back to the Dark Ages! No phonograph, no printing press, no peanut butter! - You get the idea.
- This guy's skipping without a rope.
- What? - Never mind.
Then, with your kind assistance, I'll reinvent all the technological achievements of the past 600 years, take all the credit, and control all the world's technology! - I heard you.
- Not bad, huh? Stew in your juices, gentlemen.
I'll need your minds fresh for our work.
[door shuts.]
Well! But we're not gonna stay here for this.
Right! So how do we get out? We're inventors.
Inventors invent! Or at least in Florence, they do.
Now look, I've got a plan.
But I'm gonna need some help.
Can somebody give me a hand with these bunk beds? - That should do it.
- Right.
There's no time to waste.
Huh.
As soon as I can find some help, I'll be back for the rest of you.
- Onward! Ciao.
- Be careful, Leo! And that's when you crashed into me.
Wait.
If this Mother of Invention destroys the Renaissance, anything could happen.
We might be thrown back into the Dark Ages.
Or we might never have existed at all.
Well, then.
There's no time to lose.
We must storm this madman's lab, destroy his villainous bomb and return the inventors to their rightful places in history! That's the general idea, Tick.
But first I'll need to build a new flying machine.
- Oh, no.
- [Leonardo.]
Hey, little bunny guy.
Would you mind giving me a hand with that couch? - [Arthur.]
But - [Tick.]
Not at all.
For the Renaissance, chum! - [crash.]
- [Arthur wincing.]
What? Where is Leonardo da Vinci? - [all.]
We don't know.
- [Wheel.]
He flew up through hole.
In giant bird made of bunk beds.
Bunk beds? Nuts! I knew that guy would be trouble.
Well, I'll give him a history lesson he won't forget.
Haven't invented lying yet either, have you? - Nope.
- What? [snarling.]
Relax, fools.
They're on our side.
Boys, I've got a job for you.
I want you to find this fellow and bring him back here to me.
Can you do that? - What's in it for us? - What do you mean? I thought you guys loved to throw your weight around.
- Nobody get it for free, pal.
- Wonderful.
Everybody has an angle.
All right, what do you want? - Maybe we take over the world - Frankincense Four goat, pound of myrrh and sheep for me.
Now listen, this device tracks temporal anomalies.
- Easy, easy! - [device beeping.]
All you've got to do is follow the flashing arrow and you'll find da Vinci.
[all.]
Follow the flashing arrow? So Vince, what's it like being a genius? I know you're smart and all, but all that thinking, doesn't it hurt? Anything else you'll need to destroy? My desk? My refrigerator? My bike? You got a bike? Oh, he sure does, Vince.
He keeps it in the closet.
I'll go get it.
Tick, wait a minute! [stuttering.]
But that's my bike! [Tick.]
Stand back, Arthur.
Genius at work.
Let me have those pedals.
And the chain.
Aah, perfetto! [Tick.]
Man, you're handy.
Ooh, oh Vince, in the Renaissance, how big were the dinosaurs? - [all snarling.]
- [device beeping.]
Hey, what? What are you guys doing? Hand over the brainiac, and nobody get hurt.
Fashion victims, you've crashed the wrong party.
This ain't no party, pal.
Now fork over da Vinci! Hey, doesn't "breaking and entering" mean anything to you? [all screaming.]
[groaning.]
[men screaming.]
- Get the bunny guy! - I'm a moth, and you get away! Go away! - Stand back! - Hey, man.
Easy with that kitchen magic, OK? I'm gonna turn you into whipped cream.
He is the evil one! Aah! - [screaming.]
- [door slams.]
[howling.]
[moaning.]
So much for my security deposit.
[Mother of Invention.]
I don't get it.
How hard can it be to capture a defenseless middle-aged scientist? You don't understand, boss.
He was joined by this giant blue insect with the strength of many Mongols.
The Tick.
[groaning.]
We're going to need reinforcements.
I got a lot of friends back in Mongolia.
I could make some calls.
I do the thinking around here.
You just concentrate on being vicious and hairy.
Besides, I've got something better in mind.
None of these escape plans will work.
We don't have the materials.
Yeah, 'cause da Vinci took all the good stuff.
Good what? If I could just get to those peanuts, I'd have us out of here in a flash.
- [bellowing.]
- [shrieking.]
- Look, Wheel is out! - OK.
Get that intercom box over there.
- And that hand truck.
- And those peanuts.
[indistinct mumbling.]
Press hard, you're making three copies.
Sign here for dental plan.
[mumbling.]
[chuckling.]
I'm flying! - [both gasping.]
- Oh, boy.
I swoop! I soar! The city laps at my heels like a grateful puppy.
I am the eagle king of all I survey.
I am become Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds! Tick! Take it easy.
You're moving around too much.
Sorry, chum.
I just got [moans, chuckles.]
nose itch.
- Bad one.
- Oh, no.
Oh, not now, Tick! Yes, now! Must get scratch nose! Tick, no! [screams.]
Hang on.
I'll try to I can't reach! [gasping.]
Ooh [moaning in delight.]
Oh, yeah, that's so good.
Watch out! Your wing! [all hollering.]
[Mother of Invention.]
Well, well, welcome back, Leonardo.
I see you have some new friends.
Unfortunately, I will have to destroy them.
Oh, yeah? You and what army? [Mother of Invention.]
How about this one? - [lights click on.]
- [chattering indistinctly.]
Ooh [chuckling.]
Big.
Really big.
[trumpeting.]
[all bellowing.]
Hey, watch it! [both moaning.]
[Leonardo.]
Now that was definitely your fault.
[Arthur.]
What? - Whoa! - [trumpeting.]
[all screaming.]
Oh, no.
- Hurry! - Just one last letter.
There, it's done.
Let the good times roll! [rock music plays.]
Peanuts, anyone? - [grunting.]
- [struggling.]
[all bellowing.]
I've got a message for you! Someone left the cake out in the rain.
- [trumpeting.]
- [screaming.]
- [all groaning.]
- Can I have one of your hats? He's getting away! Scoundrel, your time is up! Stop right there, or the Renaissance gets it.
It's no use now.
With the inventors free, your plan can never work.
Don't patronize me, buster.
I am a scientist.
Come on, Mom.
Be reasonable.
You can't destroy everything.
Where would you sit? You had your little fun.
Now it's time to go to jail.
Oh, yeah? Tell that to the Renaissance.
The bomb.
We're done for! You're too late.
You're too late! [cackling.]
Maybe not.
Arthur, put this on.
OK.
But I don't like it.
Tick, I don't know how this thing - What do you think? - Well, it's interesting.
Yes, but is it art? Stand back, it's a bomb! That's a matter of opinion, isn't it? Huh? Twenty seconds to save the Renaissance.
It must be a performance piece.
I can't stand that stuff.
I never get it.
- Ooh Wiry! - [machine beeping.]
Oh! Easy.
[exhales deeply.]
Bravo.
That wasn't so bad.
Hmm.
Let's go see the Giotto Tower.
Where's my sheep? We never got paid! - That's because you're losers.
- Oh, yeah? Look who's talking.
Well, everyone, have a nice trip.
Man, I wish I'd invented that.
Well, I guess it's our turn.
I'm gonna miss you guys.
Yeah, good luck with that light ball thing, Tom.
It's "bulb.
" Light bulb.
Boys, boys.
You know, I've heard that the smarter you are, the more wrinkly your brain.
And your guys' brains must be the wrinkliest.
Oh, sure, ordinary Joes like me and Arthur here, maybe our brains are a little on the smooth side.
What? But you don't have to be a genius to know that evil is bad! And good isn't! - Yeah.
- That's a good boy.
Wait a second.
Hey! What happened to the cave lady? [crunching, gulping loudly.]
Here, boys.
Try some of these big red bugs.
They're delicious.