The Trip (2010) s03e01 Episode Script
Txoko
1 #Afoggy day # In London town # Had me low # And had me down # I viewed the morning with alarm # The British Museum Had lost its charm (PHONE RINGS) - Hello, Rob.
Steve Coogan.
- Who's this? Steve Coogan.
Hey, how are you? - (BABY GURGLES) - Good.
How are you? Yeah.
Good.
Where are you? I'm in London.
Just got back from filming in New York.
Iplay a chef.
It's calledMedium Rare.
Produced by Martin Scorsese.
Have you met him? - No, I've not.
- He's great.
He's great.
Anyway, they want me to do publicity for the launch ofthe series.
It's to do a series of restaurant reviews.
Um, this time, a trip to Spain for the New York Times.
Yeah, I know, the Observerasked me.
All right, so you know about it? OK, well, you know, it's a New York Times-Observerthing.
You know, it's a paid job.
- Mm-hm.
Yeah.
- So, er Yeah, I'm asking you if you'll if you'll come with me.
(CHILD WAILS) Yes, I will come.
Good, great, OK, well, my people will be in touch with, er, oh, you.
Hm! (HORN BEEPS) Yeah, well, you know, Rob's not going to be here.
- Rob, Steve's here.
- OK.
What? No, cos he's got a ferry to catch.
Where are you? (SIGHS) OK, we'll see you when you get here, then.
OK? Yeah.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
- Is that all good? - No.
That was the builder.
He's running late.
Right, have you remembered your passport, - your wallet, your phone - My passport, my wallet, my phone the book you were reading, um? (AMERICAN ACCENT) I've got everything I need to go out into the darkness.
Right, come on, Daddy's going.
Follow me out.
- Dad, you forgot your hat.
- SALLY:? Well done.
- You can give it to him now.
- ROB:? Bring it for me.
SALLY:? And say goodbye.
ROB:? Buenos dias.
- How do? - Good.
You know Sally? - Yes, hello, Sally, how are you? - Hi, Steve.
- Hi.
Yeah, good, how are you? - Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.
This is Charlie.
- Oh, hello, Charlie.
- I don't think I know this one.
- No, and this - You remember Chloe, don't you? - Yes.
Hello, Chloe.
How are you? You were a little baby the last time I saw you and you've gone - whssht! - like that.
That's what happens.
- You've got a lot of stuff, haven't you? - Well, some of this is Joe's, you know, my son.
- I remember him.
- He's coming at the end of the trip.
Yah! Give me a kiss.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) - Phwoar! Who did that noise? - You did.
I think you did that noise.
Give me another one.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Arrhh! Mwah! Charlie Farley.
Oi.
- Kiss for Dad? - Hello.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Thank you very much.
- Bye-bye, darling.
- Bye, darling.
I love you.
- Have fun.
Enjoy yourself.
- Look after them.
- You've got to take care of Mummy, OK? - Yeah, I will.
You will, won't you, Charlie? Yeah.
- Have a good trip.
- Yeah.
- And you look after him.
- Yes, I will.
- Try and bring him back in one piece.
- Yes, please do.
- OK, OK.
- Adios - Have a safe journey.
-amigos.
- Yeah.
- Adios, amigos.
- Hasta manana.
- Manchego cheese, he say goodbye.
- Love you, bye.
- Bye! Bye! ROB:? Are we going to get this ferry? - Um, well, I'd say probably yes.
- Right.
But a little bit of jeopardy, - I think, kind of gives - Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
-adds a little bit of frisson - Living your life on the edge by getting to a ferry a little bit late.
He was a maverick, Coogan, he took chances.
I'll never forget the time, as we were going to catch a ferry, and he deliberately took the slow lane.
I mean, that said it all about the lad.
It was like being with Errol Flynn or one of the true pioneers, men who had bucked the trend.
And I'll say that for Steve, he was a bucker.
- I have two cabins for you - Mm-hm.
one Commodore cabin and one De Luxe cabin.
- Oh.
- Which is the best? - The Commodore cabin is the best.
- Oh, great.
- Mr Coogan should have that.
- Oh, Rob.
- Commodore Coogan.
- Thank you.
ROB:? Is this the Commodore? - No, that's the De Luxe cabin.
- All right.
- See you later, Commodore.
- Thank you.
- That's your key.
- Thank you.
- See you later.
- Yes.
- Then I'll show you yours.
- OK.
What did you say your name was? - Aurora.
- Ah-ho-ha? - Aurora.
- Ah-hoh-ha.
- No, Aurora.
- Oh-oh-ha.
- Yes! - Is that near enough? Yes.
ROB:? You're right about this being a better way.
This is more romantic.
- This is more like a journey.
- It is.
You know what the most famous boat that left here was? The most famous ship, I should say.
Er, the Mayflower? - Yes, the Mayflower.
- The Pilgrim Fathers.
- Yeah.
- The Pilgrim Fathers for justice.
They tied themselves to that crane, demanding more breadfruit for their children.
- STEVE: Where were they headed? - They were headed to America.
- Yeah, what part of America? - The coast.
(AS ROGER MOORE) Santander, much the largest city in Cantabria, with a population approaching 200,000.
We filmed much of Moonrakerhere.
- (FERRY CREAKS) - (SIGHS DEEPLY) (VOMITS) (GROANS) I'll never forget Cubby telling me that Santander was an elegant, refined resort with excellent transport connections.
ROB: Morning.
Buenos dias.
- Buenos dias, mi amigo.
- Buenos dias, mi amigo.
This is stunning.
This is the way to approach a new country.
- Did you sleep well? - Yeah, like a baby, yeah.
It's lovely, isn't it? Yeah, it's the gentle rocking motion.
You either have sea legs or you don't.
STEVE: This is exactly how Laurie Lee would have approached Spain back in the 1 930s.
Santander.
The largest city in Cantabria by some margin.
Population, 200,000.
An elegant, stylish resort with excellent transportation connections.
Have you been reading Lonely Planet? - Just stuff I've picked up - Rough Guide? Stuff I've picked up over the years.
I'm a sponge.
ROB: The Caves of Altamira, which burrow into the hillside two kilometres west of Santillana, consist of an extraordinarily series of caverns, adorned by prehistoric human inhabitants - around 14,000 years ago - That's right.
with paintings of bulls, bison, boars, - and other animals beginning with B.
- Mmm.
As Picasso put it (AS ANTHONY HOPKINS) "After Altamira, everything is decadence.
" - Tony Hopkins, Surviving Picasso.
- Good, it needed clarification.
During the 1 950s and 1 960s, the paintings deteriorated, so the caves are now closed to prevent further damage.
Alongside the site, the fascinating Museo de Altamira centres on a neo-cave, a large and very convincing replica of a portion of the caverns.
- What's the - Is that what we're going to? No, no, no, they can't let any Tom, Dick or Harry go wandering around the real caves.
Well, they're closed.
Yeah, to the general public.
We're getting a VIP tour, a private guided tour.
CURATOR: This is the polychrome ceiling.
This is the place where the most famous paintings in these caves are located.
Here, for example, we have this first group of bisons.
They are roughly 14,500 years old.
- Can we see the real one? - Certainly.
Of course.
- Fantastic.
- I can take you there.
- So youyou're both actors, right? - Uh-huh.
- Yes, yes.
- In a manner of speaking.
I remember you from this film, er, how was it called? The CockAnd Bull Story.
STEVE: Really? You saw that? Wow.
Yeah, it was a wonderful film, and then I remember you.
- Yeah? -on another film.
Go on.
- Which one? - Which was The Huntsman.
ROB: The Huntsman!Yes.
That's a great movie, of course.
Me and Chris Hemsworth, - Charlize Theron.
- A wonderful movie.
We had Hugh Hudson shooting Altamira here two years ago.
Oh, wow.
A movie about the discovery of this place with Antonio Banderas - playing the main role of Marcelino.
- ROB: Puss In Boots.
Have you seen Puss In Boots? STEVE.
No.
I played a cat in Secret Life OfPets.
CURATOR: OK, gentlemen, this is it.
This is the entrance - to the original cave.
- Wow.
Right here, this.
- Fantastic.
- Lead on, Macduff.
I wish I could, but I'm afraid that the tour is going to finish right here.
- There is no - Sorry? There is no more for today.
- Really? - No more, no.
- We can't go in the cave? - The cave is currently open to the public, but only for five people per week.
There's only two of us.
Yes, but there is, you know, a process that you need to take part of.
ROB: I could do my "small man in a cave" for you.
Well, you can try.
(IN A SMALL VOICE) It's too dark for me.
Too dark for me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
ROB: What if I tweeted about it? I could tweet about it.
- You can tweet tweets? - I've got two million followers.
I'll make it nice.
- That's very impressive.
- Have you seriously - got two million followers? - More than two million.
- Really? - I could tweet and that would be nice publicity.
Maybe you should make an official request, claiming that you have two million followers - on Twitter.
- I'm not "claiming".
- I have got two million followers.
- Well, I'm - I'm sure about that.
- Thank you.
We appreciate you - Sorry to disappoint you.
- It was lovely to see the entrance.
- Thank you for - Lovely to see the entrance.
- All right, thank you.
- Thank you for your assistance.
ROB: "The tiny fishing port of Getaria "lies 25km west of San Sebastian, "in the province of Gui Guipúzcoa.
Guipúzcoa.
"Founded in 1 209, and sheltered by "the humpback islet of El Ratón - 'the mouse' - "it later became a major whaling centre.
" - Ah.
- Bueno.
- Anchoas.
- Gracias.
Sea salt.
A la parrilla.
- Muchas gracias.
- Como hacÃa la abuela - Iike Mama used to make.
- Ah! Encantador.
- Bueno provecho! - Thank you.
Gracias.
- What did you say to him? I said it's charming.
Charming that his mother had made it.
What's happening in New York? I've been seeing a lot of Mischa.
Do you remember Mischa? The girl you were seeing when we were in the Lakes? Mm-hm, yeah.
You're seeing her again? Didn't she actually? I'm in love with her.
But she got married.
She is married.
- I know it's not ideal.
- Carry on, take your time.
- Give me details.
- It's not ideal.
We just bumped into each other and And, you know, you could tell it was just there.
I smiled.
I gave her one of my smiles.
Well, I mean, you don't have to say any more.
One of those smiles.
And then, like an anchovy, she just wriggled into my net again.
- Is it exciting? - It is exciting.
But it's not like the first time.
It's not like I don't know her.
It's like we've rekindled what we had before.
And it - It's still exciting.
- It is, yeah.
You lose excitement when you're married.
- I'll tell you that.
- Well, you can't have everything.
- The thing is, you can't have everything.
- You can't have everything.
That's my mantra.
You can't have everything.
When people complain, "Oh" All right.
Make a choice.
I couldn't agree more.
I couldn't agree more.
I have a young family.
For a man of my age, my kids are young.
- Yeah.
How old is your wife? - 43.
And she just got those kids in - Squeezed them in quick, then.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm not going the full Mick Jagger and having them at.
.
He's having another one at 72.
- Ah, that's daft, isn't it? - Ever met him? I have.
- I was at a party - Yeah? I was leaving, and I heard from the balcony, "Rob, Rob!" (AS MICK JAGGER) Rob! Here, Rob, Rob! Well, he didn't do the full And I looked up, and he went, "Don't throw those bloody spears at me.
" I said, "What?!" He goes, "Don't throw those bloody spears at me.
" - No - He was doing Michael Caine.
(AS MICK JAGGER) What you find is that he speaks like Sometimes it's all like that, but it's actually quite posh and sometimes he's quite sort of, you can see that he's quite actually got that sort of public school thing going on, you know, slightly deep like that.
But, um But, er And, you know you've got the old sort of peacock thing, you know? - (CUTLERY CLATTERS) - Sorry.
Sorry.
He went, "Don't throw those bloody spears at me.
" And I went, "Oh, Michael Caine.
" So I looked up at him and I said (AS MICHAEL CAINE) "I've told you before, "if you're not going to sing, I don't want to bloody know.
"Now get back in the other room.
" And he went, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" And off he went.
He loved it.
- Er - Had I had a close conversation with him, I would have said, "What are you doing having a child at 72? " You know what? It's not ideal.
Charlie Chaplin was knocking about in his 80s, and that's not ideal either.
We are positively footloose and carefree We're like teenagers - compared to those guys.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
We should enjoy this moment in our lives.
We're at our sweet spot in our lives.
We really are.
We're like ripe.
You know? I am in my prime.
If I was Miss Jean I should play Miss Jean Brodie.
There's a lot of gender-swapping going on now in big roles.
I could play Miss Jean Brodie.
(CHEF SPEAKS IN SPANISH) - Hey! - A la parrilla.
Oh (WAITER SPEAKS SPANISH) - Thank you.
- Muchas gracias.
(CHEF SPEAKS SPANISH) - You writing anything at the moment? - Course I am, yeah.
What I'm trying to do with this odyssey through Spain is do what Laurie Lee You know About 30 years ago, when I was 18, I came to Spain backpacking, after A-levels, before I went to university, and I met a woman called Sofia who was 37, and she basically showed me the ropes - I lost my virginity to her.
How many years ago? Well, that's32 years ago.
So, she's now70? - Yeah, she's 70, yeah.
- Shall we look her up? No, I met her! She's massive.
- Successful, or massive? - No, I mean fat.
I think the two of you should give it another go.
You're just being facetious.
Come on.
Take her some Turkish delight.
I think that's the last thing she wants, to be honest.
That's one thing I do know about her.
Anyway, I want to write a book about Spain and me.
Is that why you bought the Laurie Lee book? Yeah, well, he wrote this when he was early 50s, but it was about when he was 18, so it's almost exactly - the same as me.
- Cervantes wrote Don Quixote when he was 50.
50s, in many ways, I think, - the best age.
- We're at the sweet spot in our life.
It's the sweet spot.
You've still got - touch wood - time We're ripe fruit, but if you hang on to the branch any longer, you're just going to wither on the vine.
- So, what do you do, then? - Drop.
Or do you want to be plucked? You want to be plucked, actually.
I 'd much rather be plucked than drop.
Who's going to pluck you at this age? You'd be surprised.
But after Philomena, it's opened a whole sort of new chapter for me in terms of, like, the way my career's gone.
- All the - Co-wrote that, didn't you? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I always co-write.
I mean Really, I'm kind of like, I'm the one who talks and has all the ideas and the other person's kind of like a sort of typist.
Do they view it that way? No, I'd never say that to them personally, no, but, I mean, privately These reviews I write myself, of course.
That's great.
How are you going to do it? We're in Spain.
I'm going to do it like Sancho Panza and Don Quixote.
Two middle-aged men - who are looking for adventure.
- That's not a bad Don Quixote - idealist, a dreamer, - head in the clouds.
Yes? - Yeah.
- Yes, and his solid, dependable friend.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(CHEF SPEAKS SPANISH) So, what are you co-writing? It's called Missing.
It's about a man looking for his daughter.
This will be the follow-up to your film - about a woman looking for her son.
- Well, exactly.
It's the sister piece to that, and if I do another one, it'll be a trilogy.
But anyway, yeah, it's about the two of them He should be looking for something else, you know, to avoid the comparisons.
Maybe a man looking for his car.
The thing is, you can do a man who's lost his car.
There's lots of European film-makers use huge, overbearing, you know, huge, thematic metaphors all the time, so it could be a guy looking for his car, but actually he doesn't realise He thinks he's looking for his car, but actually he's looking for something - much bigger than that.
- A van.
Yeah, but the van of life.
The van of life.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) Can we put this up? ROB: Are we going? Thank you.
ROB: Have you ever seen rain like this? Oh, yeah.
I was inon a I got stuck on a landslide overnight on the west side of Thirlmere, stuck on a landslide.
I had to stay overnight in the car for 18 hours.
I found out later I was in the wettest spot - in the country ever recorded.
- You've told me this before.
- In history.
- You've told me this before.
Well, you asked.
No, I asked you, "Have you ever seen rain like this? " Obviously, if you ask a question like that, you also want some details.
ROB: If it's a story you've told before, you say, "Yes, do you remember that time in a landslide? " - And I say, "Oh, I remember.
" - (STEVE SIGHS) STEVE: Thank you.
It's Biblical, that.
- (WAITER SPEAKS SPANISH) - Gracias.
Pescado.
- Esta muy bien.
- This is the best that we have.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- He's going to do it for you, Stephen.
- Chopping the head off? You know when Anne Boleyn was beheaded, they brought in a swordsman, an executioner from France, just for her execution because she was a queen.
She was still a queen when she was beheaded, remember, and she was allowed to kneel up and she was beheaded with a sword - going across the head, sideways.
- Nice.
Which meant she could kneel up and she had a certain dignity in her execution, whereas traditionally, of course, you put your head on a block.
That speaks volumes about the marriage.
- It was a recognition of her status.
- Yeah.
And with Sir Thomas More, of course, he was beheaded, but he was a great friend of Henry VIII, prior to their disagreement, and as an acknowledgement of their friendship, he wasn't hung, drawn and quartered.
He was just beheaded, - to spare him that suffering.
- Right, yeah, yeah.
And if ever we were to fall out, I would not want you to suffer.
I would I wouldn't (WAITER SPEAKS SPANISH) - Yes, yes.
- Si, gracia mede.
Not gracia mede Muchas gracias.
- So you would just hang me? - No, no, I wouldn't do that, that's horrible.
I'd just behead you, which is quick and clean, as long as you get a good executioner.
That's why you used to tip the executioner.
Make it a clean cut, you know, don't botcha botched job.
You don't want the axe going halfway through your head like that.
Well, let me return the compliment by saying that should it ever come to it and I was having to bring your life to an abrupt end, it would be a single bullet to the back of the head.
I wouldn't tell you it was happening, - I would come up behind you - I wouldn't want to know.
G-G-Gracias, muchas gracias.
I would wait till you were down the arcade, playing on the slots.
You wouldn't hear me come in cos of the noise.
I'd step up behind you Over the Space Invaders.
- Gone.
- Yeah.
I wouldn't want to know, anyway.
You wouldn't know, Steve, you wouldn't know, unless you saw my reflection in the Space Invaders and you went, "What the? " Mmm! That's wonderful.
That's magnificent.
So, umbeen in touch with that girl that you met in Italy? Lucy? No.
Did you ever tell your wife, um - Sally.
- Sally.
No.
Are you ever going to tell her? Why would I tell her? I don't know, it's quite a burden to carry around, isn't it? Yes, it is.
A secret like that.
I mean, let's say she was going to write a book.
She had aspirations to be a writer, didn't she? Let's face it, her musings on the Amalfi Coast ain't going to get published any time soon, but if she said, "Well, I did have this thing with Rob Brydon," it'd be like, "Yes, please," being avaricious like they are, the world of publishing.
Well Would you rather she read it in WH Smith? Or would she rather a friend of yours told her? All right, let's explore this.
If she does write a book about me, the chances of which are zero - No, they're not zero.
- I'm flattered you'd think anybody would commission that.
Yes, but when you die, your career gets a bump, doesn't it? When you die, there's a surge of interest for a period after your death and in that window, there would very much be an appetite for anything.
If she does write a book going into great detail about our six hours spent in each other's company - Six hours in one night? - Over two nights.
Three hours a night? - A lot of that was sleep.
- Oh, OK.
I would love you to go round to the house and maybe have a quiet word and say something like, you know, "It was no big deal," but I'd rather you didn't do it from the pulpit, if that's OK with you.
I won't.
I won't.
(KITCHEN WORKERS SPEAK SPANISH) You know HBO did 12 YearsA Slave about ten years ago? No-one talks about it.
No-one mentioned it.
Whenever the director or the writer were going up saying, "When we decided to make this film "we discovered this book and we decided to make this film," I was like, "Yeah, again.
" "When we discovered this book" "Again.
" "And decided to make this film" "Again.
" It wasn't even original.
How many categories did you lose in? - Er, four.
- Wow! People don't always remember the films that won for Best Picture.
They're not always the best films and they're not always remembered.
Sometimes films that didn't win Best Picture, people are surprised they didn't win Best Picture and they have a much longer shelf life.
Raging Bull and ElephantMan - both nominated that year.
- Ordinary Peoplewon, directed by - BOTH: Robert Redford.
(AS ANTHONY HOPKINS) You are John Merrick.
You are not an animal.
You're a human being.
You're not an animal.
You're a human being.
(AS JOHN HURT) I am not an animal.
I am a human being.
By George, I think he's got it.
Now, try another one.
"The rain in Spain stays mainly" - The rain in Spain - "on the plain.
" - Come on, John.
-falls mainly on the plain.
Well done - have a bun.
(STEVE BEATBOXES) ROB: # I want to sit with you # Down by the sea # I want to put you there # Upon my knee # Don't tell me you don't know # The way I feel # Just come and sit with me # And make it real # You know that you're the one # I want the most # So, come and drive with me # On the Spanish coast # On the Spanish coast # On the Spanish coast # On the Spanish coast Let's eat some toast.
Solo! (STEVE CONTINUES TO BEATBOX) Oh, beatbox solo, OK.
(STEVE BEATBOXES) Steve Coogan on mouth! ROB: # Come to me close # STEVE: A bit exhausting, that.
STEVE: # Like a circle in a spiral # Like a wheel within a wheel # Never ending or beginning # On an ever-spinning reel # Like a snowball down a mountain BOTH: # Or a carnival balloon # Like a carousel that's turning # Running rings around the moon # Like a clock whose hands are sweeping # Past the minutes of its face # And the earth is like an apple # Whirling silently in space # Like the circles that you find In the windmills of your mind.
Do you know who sang that? Er, lots of people.
Dusty Springfield? Noel Harrison is the famous one.
Son of? George? No.
Rex Harrison.
- Really? - Yeah.
Who sang The Rain In Spain.
STEVE: The Rain In Spain! ROB: So we're getting circles within circles.
STEVE: Yeah.
It's like we've sailed into Switzerland.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) - VOICE ON PHONE: Hello.
- Hello? Hello.
Er, who's that? It's Jonathan, Matt's assistant.
It's Steve Coogan for Matt, please.
Oh, hey, Steve! Hey, yeah.
Um, look, I was just going to call you, actually, to letyou know that Matt has left the agency.
Er, what?! Yeah, he's gone to a management company.
Look, it all happened very quickly and no-one wanted it to get out before it was announced.
It's going to be in the trades today.
So I will be taking over all Matt's clients who stay at the agency.
I mean, it was just time for me to have my own list.
The thing, is I'm calling about Missing, the script that I wrote with Jeff Pope, that I'm supposed to be waiting to hear if it's been green-lit.
That's why I'm calling.
Um, I'll get into it straight away.
Steve, obviously with Matt leaving, it's been a little crazy for me.
- Yeah, OK.
- I'm sure it's all going ahead, OK, and I'll letyou know as soon as I get the call.
Thank you, OK.
OK? And, Steve, I just want to let you know how excited I am about working with you and representing you.
I mean, you are in - a great place right now.
- Great.
OK.
- Everyone wants to work with you.
- Yeah, well, that's great.
But, anyway, as soon as you've found out about theabout Missing, just let me know, that'll be great, OK? - Hey, you'll be the first call I make.
- OK, thanks, Jonathan, bye.
Bye.
(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER) (HE PANTS) Me llamo Esteban.
Como te llamas? Yo Itxaso.
- Yoitxaso? - Itxaso.
That's "el mar", that's the sea.
- OK, are you on holiday? - No, no.
I'm aecrit, ecrib? A writer? I'm a writer.
Yeah, you are a writer? - Que es "writing" in Spanish? - Escrito.
Escrito, si, si.
I had a movie at the Oscars, - you know the Academy Awards? - Oh! - Yeah, one of my movies.
- OK.
- So that was muy bien.
- That's fine.
Steve Coogan.
- Who's this? Steve Coogan.
Hey, how are you? - (BABY GURGLES) - Good.
How are you? Yeah.
Good.
Where are you? I'm in London.
Just got back from filming in New York.
Iplay a chef.
It's calledMedium Rare.
Produced by Martin Scorsese.
Have you met him? - No, I've not.
- He's great.
He's great.
Anyway, they want me to do publicity for the launch ofthe series.
It's to do a series of restaurant reviews.
Um, this time, a trip to Spain for the New York Times.
Yeah, I know, the Observerasked me.
All right, so you know about it? OK, well, you know, it's a New York Times-Observerthing.
You know, it's a paid job.
- Mm-hm.
Yeah.
- So, er Yeah, I'm asking you if you'll if you'll come with me.
(CHILD WAILS) Yes, I will come.
Good, great, OK, well, my people will be in touch with, er, oh, you.
Hm! (HORN BEEPS) Yeah, well, you know, Rob's not going to be here.
- Rob, Steve's here.
- OK.
What? No, cos he's got a ferry to catch.
Where are you? (SIGHS) OK, we'll see you when you get here, then.
OK? Yeah.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
- Is that all good? - No.
That was the builder.
He's running late.
Right, have you remembered your passport, - your wallet, your phone - My passport, my wallet, my phone the book you were reading, um? (AMERICAN ACCENT) I've got everything I need to go out into the darkness.
Right, come on, Daddy's going.
Follow me out.
- Dad, you forgot your hat.
- SALLY:? Well done.
- You can give it to him now.
- ROB:? Bring it for me.
SALLY:? And say goodbye.
ROB:? Buenos dias.
- How do? - Good.
You know Sally? - Yes, hello, Sally, how are you? - Hi, Steve.
- Hi.
Yeah, good, how are you? - Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you.
This is Charlie.
- Oh, hello, Charlie.
- I don't think I know this one.
- No, and this - You remember Chloe, don't you? - Yes.
Hello, Chloe.
How are you? You were a little baby the last time I saw you and you've gone - whssht! - like that.
That's what happens.
- You've got a lot of stuff, haven't you? - Well, some of this is Joe's, you know, my son.
- I remember him.
- He's coming at the end of the trip.
Yah! Give me a kiss.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) - Phwoar! Who did that noise? - You did.
I think you did that noise.
Give me another one.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Arrhh! Mwah! Charlie Farley.
Oi.
- Kiss for Dad? - Hello.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Thank you very much.
- Bye-bye, darling.
- Bye, darling.
I love you.
- Have fun.
Enjoy yourself.
- Look after them.
- You've got to take care of Mummy, OK? - Yeah, I will.
You will, won't you, Charlie? Yeah.
- Have a good trip.
- Yeah.
- And you look after him.
- Yes, I will.
- Try and bring him back in one piece.
- Yes, please do.
- OK, OK.
- Adios - Have a safe journey.
-amigos.
- Yeah.
- Adios, amigos.
- Hasta manana.
- Manchego cheese, he say goodbye.
- Love you, bye.
- Bye! Bye! ROB:? Are we going to get this ferry? - Um, well, I'd say probably yes.
- Right.
But a little bit of jeopardy, - I think, kind of gives - Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
-adds a little bit of frisson - Living your life on the edge by getting to a ferry a little bit late.
He was a maverick, Coogan, he took chances.
I'll never forget the time, as we were going to catch a ferry, and he deliberately took the slow lane.
I mean, that said it all about the lad.
It was like being with Errol Flynn or one of the true pioneers, men who had bucked the trend.
And I'll say that for Steve, he was a bucker.
- I have two cabins for you - Mm-hm.
one Commodore cabin and one De Luxe cabin.
- Oh.
- Which is the best? - The Commodore cabin is the best.
- Oh, great.
- Mr Coogan should have that.
- Oh, Rob.
- Commodore Coogan.
- Thank you.
ROB:? Is this the Commodore? - No, that's the De Luxe cabin.
- All right.
- See you later, Commodore.
- Thank you.
- That's your key.
- Thank you.
- See you later.
- Yes.
- Then I'll show you yours.
- OK.
What did you say your name was? - Aurora.
- Ah-ho-ha? - Aurora.
- Ah-hoh-ha.
- No, Aurora.
- Oh-oh-ha.
- Yes! - Is that near enough? Yes.
ROB:? You're right about this being a better way.
This is more romantic.
- This is more like a journey.
- It is.
You know what the most famous boat that left here was? The most famous ship, I should say.
Er, the Mayflower? - Yes, the Mayflower.
- The Pilgrim Fathers.
- Yeah.
- The Pilgrim Fathers for justice.
They tied themselves to that crane, demanding more breadfruit for their children.
- STEVE: Where were they headed? - They were headed to America.
- Yeah, what part of America? - The coast.
(AS ROGER MOORE) Santander, much the largest city in Cantabria, with a population approaching 200,000.
We filmed much of Moonrakerhere.
- (FERRY CREAKS) - (SIGHS DEEPLY) (VOMITS) (GROANS) I'll never forget Cubby telling me that Santander was an elegant, refined resort with excellent transport connections.
ROB: Morning.
Buenos dias.
- Buenos dias, mi amigo.
- Buenos dias, mi amigo.
This is stunning.
This is the way to approach a new country.
- Did you sleep well? - Yeah, like a baby, yeah.
It's lovely, isn't it? Yeah, it's the gentle rocking motion.
You either have sea legs or you don't.
STEVE: This is exactly how Laurie Lee would have approached Spain back in the 1 930s.
Santander.
The largest city in Cantabria by some margin.
Population, 200,000.
An elegant, stylish resort with excellent transportation connections.
Have you been reading Lonely Planet? - Just stuff I've picked up - Rough Guide? Stuff I've picked up over the years.
I'm a sponge.
ROB: The Caves of Altamira, which burrow into the hillside two kilometres west of Santillana, consist of an extraordinarily series of caverns, adorned by prehistoric human inhabitants - around 14,000 years ago - That's right.
with paintings of bulls, bison, boars, - and other animals beginning with B.
- Mmm.
As Picasso put it (AS ANTHONY HOPKINS) "After Altamira, everything is decadence.
" - Tony Hopkins, Surviving Picasso.
- Good, it needed clarification.
During the 1 950s and 1 960s, the paintings deteriorated, so the caves are now closed to prevent further damage.
Alongside the site, the fascinating Museo de Altamira centres on a neo-cave, a large and very convincing replica of a portion of the caverns.
- What's the - Is that what we're going to? No, no, no, they can't let any Tom, Dick or Harry go wandering around the real caves.
Well, they're closed.
Yeah, to the general public.
We're getting a VIP tour, a private guided tour.
CURATOR: This is the polychrome ceiling.
This is the place where the most famous paintings in these caves are located.
Here, for example, we have this first group of bisons.
They are roughly 14,500 years old.
- Can we see the real one? - Certainly.
Of course.
- Fantastic.
- I can take you there.
- So youyou're both actors, right? - Uh-huh.
- Yes, yes.
- In a manner of speaking.
I remember you from this film, er, how was it called? The CockAnd Bull Story.
STEVE: Really? You saw that? Wow.
Yeah, it was a wonderful film, and then I remember you.
- Yeah? -on another film.
Go on.
- Which one? - Which was The Huntsman.
ROB: The Huntsman!Yes.
That's a great movie, of course.
Me and Chris Hemsworth, - Charlize Theron.
- A wonderful movie.
We had Hugh Hudson shooting Altamira here two years ago.
Oh, wow.
A movie about the discovery of this place with Antonio Banderas - playing the main role of Marcelino.
- ROB: Puss In Boots.
Have you seen Puss In Boots? STEVE.
No.
I played a cat in Secret Life OfPets.
CURATOR: OK, gentlemen, this is it.
This is the entrance - to the original cave.
- Wow.
Right here, this.
- Fantastic.
- Lead on, Macduff.
I wish I could, but I'm afraid that the tour is going to finish right here.
- There is no - Sorry? There is no more for today.
- Really? - No more, no.
- We can't go in the cave? - The cave is currently open to the public, but only for five people per week.
There's only two of us.
Yes, but there is, you know, a process that you need to take part of.
ROB: I could do my "small man in a cave" for you.
Well, you can try.
(IN A SMALL VOICE) It's too dark for me.
Too dark for me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
ROB: What if I tweeted about it? I could tweet about it.
- You can tweet tweets? - I've got two million followers.
I'll make it nice.
- That's very impressive.
- Have you seriously - got two million followers? - More than two million.
- Really? - I could tweet and that would be nice publicity.
Maybe you should make an official request, claiming that you have two million followers - on Twitter.
- I'm not "claiming".
- I have got two million followers.
- Well, I'm - I'm sure about that.
- Thank you.
We appreciate you - Sorry to disappoint you.
- It was lovely to see the entrance.
- Thank you for - Lovely to see the entrance.
- All right, thank you.
- Thank you for your assistance.
ROB: "The tiny fishing port of Getaria "lies 25km west of San Sebastian, "in the province of Gui Guipúzcoa.
Guipúzcoa.
"Founded in 1 209, and sheltered by "the humpback islet of El Ratón - 'the mouse' - "it later became a major whaling centre.
" - Ah.
- Bueno.
- Anchoas.
- Gracias.
Sea salt.
A la parrilla.
- Muchas gracias.
- Como hacÃa la abuela - Iike Mama used to make.
- Ah! Encantador.
- Bueno provecho! - Thank you.
Gracias.
- What did you say to him? I said it's charming.
Charming that his mother had made it.
What's happening in New York? I've been seeing a lot of Mischa.
Do you remember Mischa? The girl you were seeing when we were in the Lakes? Mm-hm, yeah.
You're seeing her again? Didn't she actually? I'm in love with her.
But she got married.
She is married.
- I know it's not ideal.
- Carry on, take your time.
- Give me details.
- It's not ideal.
We just bumped into each other and And, you know, you could tell it was just there.
I smiled.
I gave her one of my smiles.
Well, I mean, you don't have to say any more.
One of those smiles.
And then, like an anchovy, she just wriggled into my net again.
- Is it exciting? - It is exciting.
But it's not like the first time.
It's not like I don't know her.
It's like we've rekindled what we had before.
And it - It's still exciting.
- It is, yeah.
You lose excitement when you're married.
- I'll tell you that.
- Well, you can't have everything.
- The thing is, you can't have everything.
- You can't have everything.
That's my mantra.
You can't have everything.
When people complain, "Oh" All right.
Make a choice.
I couldn't agree more.
I couldn't agree more.
I have a young family.
For a man of my age, my kids are young.
- Yeah.
How old is your wife? - 43.
And she just got those kids in - Squeezed them in quick, then.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm not going the full Mick Jagger and having them at.
.
He's having another one at 72.
- Ah, that's daft, isn't it? - Ever met him? I have.
- I was at a party - Yeah? I was leaving, and I heard from the balcony, "Rob, Rob!" (AS MICK JAGGER) Rob! Here, Rob, Rob! Well, he didn't do the full And I looked up, and he went, "Don't throw those bloody spears at me.
" I said, "What?!" He goes, "Don't throw those bloody spears at me.
" - No - He was doing Michael Caine.
(AS MICK JAGGER) What you find is that he speaks like Sometimes it's all like that, but it's actually quite posh and sometimes he's quite sort of, you can see that he's quite actually got that sort of public school thing going on, you know, slightly deep like that.
But, um But, er And, you know you've got the old sort of peacock thing, you know? - (CUTLERY CLATTERS) - Sorry.
Sorry.
He went, "Don't throw those bloody spears at me.
" And I went, "Oh, Michael Caine.
" So I looked up at him and I said (AS MICHAEL CAINE) "I've told you before, "if you're not going to sing, I don't want to bloody know.
"Now get back in the other room.
" And he went, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" And off he went.
He loved it.
- Er - Had I had a close conversation with him, I would have said, "What are you doing having a child at 72? " You know what? It's not ideal.
Charlie Chaplin was knocking about in his 80s, and that's not ideal either.
We are positively footloose and carefree We're like teenagers - compared to those guys.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
We should enjoy this moment in our lives.
We're at our sweet spot in our lives.
We really are.
We're like ripe.
You know? I am in my prime.
If I was Miss Jean I should play Miss Jean Brodie.
There's a lot of gender-swapping going on now in big roles.
I could play Miss Jean Brodie.
(CHEF SPEAKS IN SPANISH) - Hey! - A la parrilla.
Oh (WAITER SPEAKS SPANISH) - Thank you.
- Muchas gracias.
(CHEF SPEAKS SPANISH) - You writing anything at the moment? - Course I am, yeah.
What I'm trying to do with this odyssey through Spain is do what Laurie Lee You know About 30 years ago, when I was 18, I came to Spain backpacking, after A-levels, before I went to university, and I met a woman called Sofia who was 37, and she basically showed me the ropes - I lost my virginity to her.
How many years ago? Well, that's32 years ago.
So, she's now70? - Yeah, she's 70, yeah.
- Shall we look her up? No, I met her! She's massive.
- Successful, or massive? - No, I mean fat.
I think the two of you should give it another go.
You're just being facetious.
Come on.
Take her some Turkish delight.
I think that's the last thing she wants, to be honest.
That's one thing I do know about her.
Anyway, I want to write a book about Spain and me.
Is that why you bought the Laurie Lee book? Yeah, well, he wrote this when he was early 50s, but it was about when he was 18, so it's almost exactly - the same as me.
- Cervantes wrote Don Quixote when he was 50.
50s, in many ways, I think, - the best age.
- We're at the sweet spot in our life.
It's the sweet spot.
You've still got - touch wood - time We're ripe fruit, but if you hang on to the branch any longer, you're just going to wither on the vine.
- So, what do you do, then? - Drop.
Or do you want to be plucked? You want to be plucked, actually.
I 'd much rather be plucked than drop.
Who's going to pluck you at this age? You'd be surprised.
But after Philomena, it's opened a whole sort of new chapter for me in terms of, like, the way my career's gone.
- All the - Co-wrote that, didn't you? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I always co-write.
I mean Really, I'm kind of like, I'm the one who talks and has all the ideas and the other person's kind of like a sort of typist.
Do they view it that way? No, I'd never say that to them personally, no, but, I mean, privately These reviews I write myself, of course.
That's great.
How are you going to do it? We're in Spain.
I'm going to do it like Sancho Panza and Don Quixote.
Two middle-aged men - who are looking for adventure.
- That's not a bad Don Quixote - idealist, a dreamer, - head in the clouds.
Yes? - Yeah.
- Yes, and his solid, dependable friend.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(CHEF SPEAKS SPANISH) So, what are you co-writing? It's called Missing.
It's about a man looking for his daughter.
This will be the follow-up to your film - about a woman looking for her son.
- Well, exactly.
It's the sister piece to that, and if I do another one, it'll be a trilogy.
But anyway, yeah, it's about the two of them He should be looking for something else, you know, to avoid the comparisons.
Maybe a man looking for his car.
The thing is, you can do a man who's lost his car.
There's lots of European film-makers use huge, overbearing, you know, huge, thematic metaphors all the time, so it could be a guy looking for his car, but actually he doesn't realise He thinks he's looking for his car, but actually he's looking for something - much bigger than that.
- A van.
Yeah, but the van of life.
The van of life.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) Can we put this up? ROB: Are we going? Thank you.
ROB: Have you ever seen rain like this? Oh, yeah.
I was inon a I got stuck on a landslide overnight on the west side of Thirlmere, stuck on a landslide.
I had to stay overnight in the car for 18 hours.
I found out later I was in the wettest spot - in the country ever recorded.
- You've told me this before.
- In history.
- You've told me this before.
Well, you asked.
No, I asked you, "Have you ever seen rain like this? " Obviously, if you ask a question like that, you also want some details.
ROB: If it's a story you've told before, you say, "Yes, do you remember that time in a landslide? " - And I say, "Oh, I remember.
" - (STEVE SIGHS) STEVE: Thank you.
It's Biblical, that.
- (WAITER SPEAKS SPANISH) - Gracias.
Pescado.
- Esta muy bien.
- This is the best that we have.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- He's going to do it for you, Stephen.
- Chopping the head off? You know when Anne Boleyn was beheaded, they brought in a swordsman, an executioner from France, just for her execution because she was a queen.
She was still a queen when she was beheaded, remember, and she was allowed to kneel up and she was beheaded with a sword - going across the head, sideways.
- Nice.
Which meant she could kneel up and she had a certain dignity in her execution, whereas traditionally, of course, you put your head on a block.
That speaks volumes about the marriage.
- It was a recognition of her status.
- Yeah.
And with Sir Thomas More, of course, he was beheaded, but he was a great friend of Henry VIII, prior to their disagreement, and as an acknowledgement of their friendship, he wasn't hung, drawn and quartered.
He was just beheaded, - to spare him that suffering.
- Right, yeah, yeah.
And if ever we were to fall out, I would not want you to suffer.
I would I wouldn't (WAITER SPEAKS SPANISH) - Yes, yes.
- Si, gracia mede.
Not gracia mede Muchas gracias.
- So you would just hang me? - No, no, I wouldn't do that, that's horrible.
I'd just behead you, which is quick and clean, as long as you get a good executioner.
That's why you used to tip the executioner.
Make it a clean cut, you know, don't botcha botched job.
You don't want the axe going halfway through your head like that.
Well, let me return the compliment by saying that should it ever come to it and I was having to bring your life to an abrupt end, it would be a single bullet to the back of the head.
I wouldn't tell you it was happening, - I would come up behind you - I wouldn't want to know.
G-G-Gracias, muchas gracias.
I would wait till you were down the arcade, playing on the slots.
You wouldn't hear me come in cos of the noise.
I'd step up behind you Over the Space Invaders.
- Gone.
- Yeah.
I wouldn't want to know, anyway.
You wouldn't know, Steve, you wouldn't know, unless you saw my reflection in the Space Invaders and you went, "What the? " Mmm! That's wonderful.
That's magnificent.
So, umbeen in touch with that girl that you met in Italy? Lucy? No.
Did you ever tell your wife, um - Sally.
- Sally.
No.
Are you ever going to tell her? Why would I tell her? I don't know, it's quite a burden to carry around, isn't it? Yes, it is.
A secret like that.
I mean, let's say she was going to write a book.
She had aspirations to be a writer, didn't she? Let's face it, her musings on the Amalfi Coast ain't going to get published any time soon, but if she said, "Well, I did have this thing with Rob Brydon," it'd be like, "Yes, please," being avaricious like they are, the world of publishing.
Well Would you rather she read it in WH Smith? Or would she rather a friend of yours told her? All right, let's explore this.
If she does write a book about me, the chances of which are zero - No, they're not zero.
- I'm flattered you'd think anybody would commission that.
Yes, but when you die, your career gets a bump, doesn't it? When you die, there's a surge of interest for a period after your death and in that window, there would very much be an appetite for anything.
If she does write a book going into great detail about our six hours spent in each other's company - Six hours in one night? - Over two nights.
Three hours a night? - A lot of that was sleep.
- Oh, OK.
I would love you to go round to the house and maybe have a quiet word and say something like, you know, "It was no big deal," but I'd rather you didn't do it from the pulpit, if that's OK with you.
I won't.
I won't.
(KITCHEN WORKERS SPEAK SPANISH) You know HBO did 12 YearsA Slave about ten years ago? No-one talks about it.
No-one mentioned it.
Whenever the director or the writer were going up saying, "When we decided to make this film "we discovered this book and we decided to make this film," I was like, "Yeah, again.
" "When we discovered this book" "Again.
" "And decided to make this film" "Again.
" It wasn't even original.
How many categories did you lose in? - Er, four.
- Wow! People don't always remember the films that won for Best Picture.
They're not always the best films and they're not always remembered.
Sometimes films that didn't win Best Picture, people are surprised they didn't win Best Picture and they have a much longer shelf life.
Raging Bull and ElephantMan - both nominated that year.
- Ordinary Peoplewon, directed by - BOTH: Robert Redford.
(AS ANTHONY HOPKINS) You are John Merrick.
You are not an animal.
You're a human being.
You're not an animal.
You're a human being.
(AS JOHN HURT) I am not an animal.
I am a human being.
By George, I think he's got it.
Now, try another one.
"The rain in Spain stays mainly" - The rain in Spain - "on the plain.
" - Come on, John.
-falls mainly on the plain.
Well done - have a bun.
(STEVE BEATBOXES) ROB: # I want to sit with you # Down by the sea # I want to put you there # Upon my knee # Don't tell me you don't know # The way I feel # Just come and sit with me # And make it real # You know that you're the one # I want the most # So, come and drive with me # On the Spanish coast # On the Spanish coast # On the Spanish coast # On the Spanish coast Let's eat some toast.
Solo! (STEVE CONTINUES TO BEATBOX) Oh, beatbox solo, OK.
(STEVE BEATBOXES) Steve Coogan on mouth! ROB: # Come to me close # STEVE: A bit exhausting, that.
STEVE: # Like a circle in a spiral # Like a wheel within a wheel # Never ending or beginning # On an ever-spinning reel # Like a snowball down a mountain BOTH: # Or a carnival balloon # Like a carousel that's turning # Running rings around the moon # Like a clock whose hands are sweeping # Past the minutes of its face # And the earth is like an apple # Whirling silently in space # Like the circles that you find In the windmills of your mind.
Do you know who sang that? Er, lots of people.
Dusty Springfield? Noel Harrison is the famous one.
Son of? George? No.
Rex Harrison.
- Really? - Yeah.
Who sang The Rain In Spain.
STEVE: The Rain In Spain! ROB: So we're getting circles within circles.
STEVE: Yeah.
It's like we've sailed into Switzerland.
(THUNDER RUMBLES) - VOICE ON PHONE: Hello.
- Hello? Hello.
Er, who's that? It's Jonathan, Matt's assistant.
It's Steve Coogan for Matt, please.
Oh, hey, Steve! Hey, yeah.
Um, look, I was just going to call you, actually, to letyou know that Matt has left the agency.
Er, what?! Yeah, he's gone to a management company.
Look, it all happened very quickly and no-one wanted it to get out before it was announced.
It's going to be in the trades today.
So I will be taking over all Matt's clients who stay at the agency.
I mean, it was just time for me to have my own list.
The thing, is I'm calling about Missing, the script that I wrote with Jeff Pope, that I'm supposed to be waiting to hear if it's been green-lit.
That's why I'm calling.
Um, I'll get into it straight away.
Steve, obviously with Matt leaving, it's been a little crazy for me.
- Yeah, OK.
- I'm sure it's all going ahead, OK, and I'll letyou know as soon as I get the call.
Thank you, OK.
OK? And, Steve, I just want to let you know how excited I am about working with you and representing you.
I mean, you are in - a great place right now.
- Great.
OK.
- Everyone wants to work with you.
- Yeah, well, that's great.
But, anyway, as soon as you've found out about theabout Missing, just let me know, that'll be great, OK? - Hey, you'll be the first call I make.
- OK, thanks, Jonathan, bye.
Bye.
(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER) (HE PANTS) Me llamo Esteban.
Como te llamas? Yo Itxaso.
- Yoitxaso? - Itxaso.
That's "el mar", that's the sea.
- OK, are you on holiday? - No, no.
I'm aecrit, ecrib? A writer? I'm a writer.
Yeah, you are a writer? - Que es "writing" in Spanish? - Escrito.
Escrito, si, si.
I had a movie at the Oscars, - you know the Academy Awards? - Oh! - Yeah, one of my movies.
- OK.
- So that was muy bien.
- That's fine.