The Twilight Zone (1959) s05e16 Episode Script
The Self-Improvement of Salvadore Ross
You unlock this door with the key of imagination.
Beyond it is another dimension- a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind.
You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas.
You've just crossed over into the twilight zone.
Hey! You with the rich boyfriend.
Well, come on, just because i'm successful, that don't make me stuck-up.
? la-la.
? Hello, sal.
Whose is it? Oh, it couldn't be mine, huh? Come on, whose is it? It belongs to this guy halpert.
He's about 170 years old and owns half of connecticut.
How do you know him? I got a new job washing cars in the building where he lives.
I see this little beauty waiting for action.
Battery might run down, something like that.
You mean he doesn't know you have his car? He doesn't care, he digs me.
See, i've done him some small favors.
And well, come on, let's go! No, thanks very much.
No, wait, i ain't lying.
Only time he leaves is to dig chicks and try and find out how it was when he was young.
Well, i'm sorry, i'm tired and i told my father i'd play chess with him tonight.
Chess? Wait a minute.
Okay.
Okay, i watch how i can make nice.
Oh, gee, i'm sorry.
Well, i'll borrow the wheels again next friday, and be by to pick you up.
Now, wasn't that polite? Yes.
Very polite.
I meant what i said the last time, sal.
No, you didn't.
Yes, i did.
We can't keep seeing each other.
I should never have let it get started in the first place.
Sure, as long as you're the saintly social worker and i'm one of the crumbs, everything's all right.
But as soon as we get too close, you notice i got dirt on my hands.
That has nothing and i don't talk like your old man.
Sal, we're just two people who are never going to understand each other.
Baby with your education, you can think up a better "dear john" than that.
I'm sorry.
Listen.
I won't always have dirt on my hands.
I don't need no books to show me the way up.
I got the map, i'll get there.
Leah, is something the matter? No.
No, dad, there's nothing wrong.
No, there's nothing wrong, dad.
Hello, sal.
Are you happy that you've convinced her she's too much for a bum like salvadore ross, hmm? I admit i wouldn't choose you for my daughter.
But it's not my decision- it's hers.
Besides, i may be wrong about you.
She obviously sees you differently than i do.
No, i don't.
Not anymore.
Why can't i want something in my life and get it?! Just once! Confidential personnel file on salvadore ross.
A volatile mixture of fury and frustration.
Distinguishing physical characteristic: A badly broken hand which will require emergency treatment at the nearest hospital.
Ambition: Shows great determination toward self-improvement.
Estimate of potential success: A sure bet for a listing inwho's who- in the twilight zone.
Here we are, mr.
Ross.
The orthopedic ward is full.
But you'll be just fine in here for tonight.
Why don't you just let me go home? The doctor has to prepare the cast after he checks the x-rays tomorrow.
Good night.
Wait a minute! Where are my clothes? Your clothes are in that closet.
Now, good night.
Good night.
Good night.
You do something to your hand? No.
I came here for a good night's sleep.
The waldorf was getting on my nerves.
I bet it hurts.
Yeah, it hurts.
You're still lucky, though.
My luck wins prizes.
No, i i mean it.
I've got this awful congestion in my chest.
Are you griping about a cold? At your age, it might just be a cold.
But at mine, it could easily turn into pneumonia.
You know, young man, you could break both legs and an elbow and still be swimming inside a month.
Yeah? Well, if you think you think this is so great, let's swap.
You take my busted hand, i'll take your lousy cold.
It's a deal.
Oh, my hand.
What's the matter with my hand? Oh.
What have you done? Quite a bargain we made, huh, pop? No, please.
I want to swap back.
Please, look, it'll never heal, not at my age.
All deals are final.
If you buy this, mr.
Halpert, it'll be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Come in.
Wow, some pad! Strange for a man of my years- that's what you're thinking? Oh, no, listen, i always figure you still know how to swing.
Well, where is it? What? This wonderful item that i'm supposed to purchase.
Uh well, you're looking at it.
I'm looking at it? Yeah, it's youth, that's what i want to sell you.
Youth that comes in bot? Get out of here.
No, wait a minute.
I read in the paper you're 72 years old, right? I'm 26.
Now, what would you give to be 26 again? You're the kookiest kid they ever turned loose in the streets.
Okay, think what you want but just listen, will you? It won't hurt anything.
Come on, how much would you give to be 26 years old again? How much? Well, come on, how much? Um a million bucks? All right, let's say a million dollars.
And what about this pad, do you own it? Yes, i own it.
Do you throw that in as part of the deal? How do you propose to deliver these years you rave about? I'm going to sell youmyyears.
All right, tell you what, you wrap the years up and mail them to me, huh? Wait, a minute, how about the pad? Is that going to be part of the deal? Yes, i'll make it part of the deal.
I wouldn't think of taking your years for anything less than their worth.
Man, a million bucks, and this pad- you just bought I'm sure i did.
No, you're not sure.
But you got a big surprise in store.
Go on, get out of here.
Come in.
Here are the evening papers you ordered, sir.
Come in.
Shut the door.
Come all the way in, let's have a look at you.
You're the new owner.
I was wondering why i hadn't seen you.
Well, uh i've been staying in.
But i've seen you, uh, operating the elevator.
Oh? What happened to mr.
Halpert? Oh, well he decided to take a cruise with some young friends of his.
He'll be away so long he was kind enough to sell me this place.
Sounds just like mr.
Halpert.
He sure knew how to spend his money.
How much do you make a year? Well, um, right now i get $52.
50 a week, plus tips.
Hmm.
Well, then, this should help some.
Here we are.
Picture of lincoln just for bringing the papers.
Mr.
Ross, i have a feeling you'll get very good service here.
How would you like to make more lots more? Just so long as it's legal, mr.
Ross.
How old are you? Nineteen.
Would you like to be 20? I'll make it one of these years.
What would you say if someone wanted to buy a year of your life for say, uh $250? I suppose i'd tell him to go take a leap at the moon.
You wouldn't sell a year of your life for that money? I enjoy my life, mr.
Ross.
The days may be dull, but i wouldn't swap some of my nights for all the crown jewels in a golden bucket.
Wait, come back! Yes, sir? You thought i was joking, didn't you? I don't think i know what you're talking about, mr.
Ross.
What's your name? Albert rowe.
Well, you can put that in later, hmm? Here we are.
Now doesn't that make it more reasonable? That's a thousand dollars, mr.
Ross.
That's right, albert.
What do i have to do? I told you- nothing.
If you accept this, you'll wake up in the morning one year older, that's all.
Does it really make that much difference whether you're 19 or 20? Now that you put it that way, l-i guess 20 is not such a bad age.
Fine.
Then you've made a deal, albert.
A very, very good deal.
Nice doing business with you, mr.
Ross and albert.
Pass the word among your friends i'm always good for cash on these terms.
They'll be beating down your doors.
Who knows, i might decide to sell you a couple more years myself.
I'll be here, albert.
Thank you for waiting.
Yes, sir.
You're new here, aren't you? Yes, sir.
Thank you, mr.
Ross.
I'm coming.
Is leah home yet? No, not yet she isn't.
You don't mind if i wait for her, do you? Haven't seen you for quite a while.
Well, i've been busy making myself worthy of your daughter.
Leave her alone, please.
Come on.
Look, my nails are clean.
I'm dressed in the right clothes.
You're obviously doing very well and i'm glad.
Then why tell me to leave her alone? I'm a good catch, mr.
Maitland.
A real good catch.
Not for leah.
Yes exactly for leah.
Tell me, what is it that makes you so superior, huh? I mean, what have you done that puts you on the top shelf? Teaching in that rattrap school all your life? No, not teaching, um, baby-sitting.
And you come home from the war and what do you bring? A game leg and a handful of crummy souvenirs to put on your wall.
You know what you are? You're a loser, mr.
Maitland.
Even worse than i used to be.
And you want leah to marry somebody like you, huh? Yes, even though in your eyes i'm a failure.
Would you be a good husband to her? I can buy her anything if i want to.
Do you love her? I want her, mr.
Maitland.
That's not enough.
Leah needs somebody who is kind and hi, dad.
Hello, dear.
Hello, sal.
Hi.
Your father and i were having a pleasant little chat.
I've worked very hard to improve myself.
Haven't i, mr.
Maitland? You certainly look very prosperous.
I've had some luck.
Did you? I'm glad.
You know, you even sound different.
Oh, you noticed that.
Well, i met this young fellow from college and he needed some money, so we made a deal.
I paid him to help me improve my way of talking.
You must have worked very hard, sal.
I'll tell you about it over supper.
No, thank you very much.
I'm really so busy tonight.
Nonsense.
I've worked so hard at improving myself even your father can't object to you going out with me.
Can you, mr.
Maitland? Would you mind, dad? Leah, you know i've never tried to tell you what to do.
I won't stay out late.
And i would like to hear about everything that's been happening to you.
Just give me a couple of minutes to change.
See? Now tell me you feel nothing but a blank.
That, uh that never was the problem.
Well, then, what was the problem? You broke off with me because i was wrong.
What guy is right for you, leah? Tell me what kind of guy is right for you and i'll be that guy.
It doesn't work that way.
Well, i've got a christmas morning surprise for you, baby.
It works that way with me.
I can be anything i want.
I can buy anything i want.
I wish i could explain it to you.
It's not something that you can buy.
You name it.
It's the kind of person you are.
The things you care about, the people you care about.
I'm not criticizing you.
It's just the way you are.
What way, hmm? You don't care about me.
Not really.
You don't care about anybody.
Are you gentle? Are you kind? The man i marry is going to have to have compassion because otherwise, i won't be able to love him.
You mean like your stupid old man who rushes up eager to get pushed around? Yes.
I think my father's a compassionate man.
He cares about people just because they're people! That's the kind of man i'm talking about.
I'm tired, sal.
I'm going home.
Come here.
Don't you understand? It's not something that you can buy.
Go on, get out.
Get out of here.
Hello, dad.
Hello.
Oh, mr.
Maitland.
You shouldn't have waited up for us.
Here she is, safe and sounder than she was before she left.
I'm sorry, dad.
It's all right.
It's nice to know that somebody worries about me though.
Don't flatter yourself so much, my dear.
I really wanted to talk to sal.
All right.
If, uh, you two will excuse me, i've really got a very busy day tomorrow.
Good-bye, sal.
So long.
Good night, dad.
Good night, dear.
I'm glad you came in.
Oh, well, you're going to be even gladder.
I've thought a lot about it, and though i realize that you are what you are and it's not my place to judge you oh, look, i don't care please, please.
What you think of me i cannot let you ruin her life by marrying her.
I came here strictly on business.
You've got something i want to buy and i'm prepared to offer you $100,000 for it.
Now let that sum stir around in your head for a minute- $100,000.
Now that's enough to take care of you and to provide for leah.
What do i have that's worth that kind of money? Well it's a little hard to explain.
I love you very much.
Hello, mr.
Maitland.
I was just telling leah that i was hoping you'd be home.
L- i wanted to talk to you.
Can i come in? Yes.
Honey, would you leave us alone for a few minutes? It won't take long.
I love you.
I've got something i want to say to you.
I'm sorry for all the worry and grief i've caused you.
You see, you were right about me.
I wanted to marry leah to prove something i, i you see, she was a prize, a symbol.
But all that's changed.
And i know now that i'm very much in love with her.
And i'll make her a good husband, i promise you that.
I warned you i wouldn't let it happen.
You don't understand.
It's all changed.
I'm asking you for forgiveness for compassion.
Compassion? Don't you remember? I sold it to you yesterday.
The salvadore ross program for self-improvement.
The all-in-one, surefire success course that lets you lick the bully learn the language, dance the tango and anything else you want to do- or think you want to do.
Money-back guarantee.
Offer limited to the twilight zone.
Beyond it is another dimension- a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind.
You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas.
You've just crossed over into the twilight zone.
Hey! You with the rich boyfriend.
Well, come on, just because i'm successful, that don't make me stuck-up.
? la-la.
? Hello, sal.
Whose is it? Oh, it couldn't be mine, huh? Come on, whose is it? It belongs to this guy halpert.
He's about 170 years old and owns half of connecticut.
How do you know him? I got a new job washing cars in the building where he lives.
I see this little beauty waiting for action.
Battery might run down, something like that.
You mean he doesn't know you have his car? He doesn't care, he digs me.
See, i've done him some small favors.
And well, come on, let's go! No, thanks very much.
No, wait, i ain't lying.
Only time he leaves is to dig chicks and try and find out how it was when he was young.
Well, i'm sorry, i'm tired and i told my father i'd play chess with him tonight.
Chess? Wait a minute.
Okay.
Okay, i watch how i can make nice.
Oh, gee, i'm sorry.
Well, i'll borrow the wheels again next friday, and be by to pick you up.
Now, wasn't that polite? Yes.
Very polite.
I meant what i said the last time, sal.
No, you didn't.
Yes, i did.
We can't keep seeing each other.
I should never have let it get started in the first place.
Sure, as long as you're the saintly social worker and i'm one of the crumbs, everything's all right.
But as soon as we get too close, you notice i got dirt on my hands.
That has nothing and i don't talk like your old man.
Sal, we're just two people who are never going to understand each other.
Baby with your education, you can think up a better "dear john" than that.
I'm sorry.
Listen.
I won't always have dirt on my hands.
I don't need no books to show me the way up.
I got the map, i'll get there.
Leah, is something the matter? No.
No, dad, there's nothing wrong.
No, there's nothing wrong, dad.
Hello, sal.
Are you happy that you've convinced her she's too much for a bum like salvadore ross, hmm? I admit i wouldn't choose you for my daughter.
But it's not my decision- it's hers.
Besides, i may be wrong about you.
She obviously sees you differently than i do.
No, i don't.
Not anymore.
Why can't i want something in my life and get it?! Just once! Confidential personnel file on salvadore ross.
A volatile mixture of fury and frustration.
Distinguishing physical characteristic: A badly broken hand which will require emergency treatment at the nearest hospital.
Ambition: Shows great determination toward self-improvement.
Estimate of potential success: A sure bet for a listing inwho's who- in the twilight zone.
Here we are, mr.
Ross.
The orthopedic ward is full.
But you'll be just fine in here for tonight.
Why don't you just let me go home? The doctor has to prepare the cast after he checks the x-rays tomorrow.
Good night.
Wait a minute! Where are my clothes? Your clothes are in that closet.
Now, good night.
Good night.
Good night.
You do something to your hand? No.
I came here for a good night's sleep.
The waldorf was getting on my nerves.
I bet it hurts.
Yeah, it hurts.
You're still lucky, though.
My luck wins prizes.
No, i i mean it.
I've got this awful congestion in my chest.
Are you griping about a cold? At your age, it might just be a cold.
But at mine, it could easily turn into pneumonia.
You know, young man, you could break both legs and an elbow and still be swimming inside a month.
Yeah? Well, if you think you think this is so great, let's swap.
You take my busted hand, i'll take your lousy cold.
It's a deal.
Oh, my hand.
What's the matter with my hand? Oh.
What have you done? Quite a bargain we made, huh, pop? No, please.
I want to swap back.
Please, look, it'll never heal, not at my age.
All deals are final.
If you buy this, mr.
Halpert, it'll be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Come in.
Wow, some pad! Strange for a man of my years- that's what you're thinking? Oh, no, listen, i always figure you still know how to swing.
Well, where is it? What? This wonderful item that i'm supposed to purchase.
Uh well, you're looking at it.
I'm looking at it? Yeah, it's youth, that's what i want to sell you.
Youth that comes in bot? Get out of here.
No, wait a minute.
I read in the paper you're 72 years old, right? I'm 26.
Now, what would you give to be 26 again? You're the kookiest kid they ever turned loose in the streets.
Okay, think what you want but just listen, will you? It won't hurt anything.
Come on, how much would you give to be 26 years old again? How much? Well, come on, how much? Um a million bucks? All right, let's say a million dollars.
And what about this pad, do you own it? Yes, i own it.
Do you throw that in as part of the deal? How do you propose to deliver these years you rave about? I'm going to sell youmyyears.
All right, tell you what, you wrap the years up and mail them to me, huh? Wait, a minute, how about the pad? Is that going to be part of the deal? Yes, i'll make it part of the deal.
I wouldn't think of taking your years for anything less than their worth.
Man, a million bucks, and this pad- you just bought I'm sure i did.
No, you're not sure.
But you got a big surprise in store.
Go on, get out of here.
Come in.
Here are the evening papers you ordered, sir.
Come in.
Shut the door.
Come all the way in, let's have a look at you.
You're the new owner.
I was wondering why i hadn't seen you.
Well, uh i've been staying in.
But i've seen you, uh, operating the elevator.
Oh? What happened to mr.
Halpert? Oh, well he decided to take a cruise with some young friends of his.
He'll be away so long he was kind enough to sell me this place.
Sounds just like mr.
Halpert.
He sure knew how to spend his money.
How much do you make a year? Well, um, right now i get $52.
50 a week, plus tips.
Hmm.
Well, then, this should help some.
Here we are.
Picture of lincoln just for bringing the papers.
Mr.
Ross, i have a feeling you'll get very good service here.
How would you like to make more lots more? Just so long as it's legal, mr.
Ross.
How old are you? Nineteen.
Would you like to be 20? I'll make it one of these years.
What would you say if someone wanted to buy a year of your life for say, uh $250? I suppose i'd tell him to go take a leap at the moon.
You wouldn't sell a year of your life for that money? I enjoy my life, mr.
Ross.
The days may be dull, but i wouldn't swap some of my nights for all the crown jewels in a golden bucket.
Wait, come back! Yes, sir? You thought i was joking, didn't you? I don't think i know what you're talking about, mr.
Ross.
What's your name? Albert rowe.
Well, you can put that in later, hmm? Here we are.
Now doesn't that make it more reasonable? That's a thousand dollars, mr.
Ross.
That's right, albert.
What do i have to do? I told you- nothing.
If you accept this, you'll wake up in the morning one year older, that's all.
Does it really make that much difference whether you're 19 or 20? Now that you put it that way, l-i guess 20 is not such a bad age.
Fine.
Then you've made a deal, albert.
A very, very good deal.
Nice doing business with you, mr.
Ross and albert.
Pass the word among your friends i'm always good for cash on these terms.
They'll be beating down your doors.
Who knows, i might decide to sell you a couple more years myself.
I'll be here, albert.
Thank you for waiting.
Yes, sir.
You're new here, aren't you? Yes, sir.
Thank you, mr.
Ross.
I'm coming.
Is leah home yet? No, not yet she isn't.
You don't mind if i wait for her, do you? Haven't seen you for quite a while.
Well, i've been busy making myself worthy of your daughter.
Leave her alone, please.
Come on.
Look, my nails are clean.
I'm dressed in the right clothes.
You're obviously doing very well and i'm glad.
Then why tell me to leave her alone? I'm a good catch, mr.
Maitland.
A real good catch.
Not for leah.
Yes exactly for leah.
Tell me, what is it that makes you so superior, huh? I mean, what have you done that puts you on the top shelf? Teaching in that rattrap school all your life? No, not teaching, um, baby-sitting.
And you come home from the war and what do you bring? A game leg and a handful of crummy souvenirs to put on your wall.
You know what you are? You're a loser, mr.
Maitland.
Even worse than i used to be.
And you want leah to marry somebody like you, huh? Yes, even though in your eyes i'm a failure.
Would you be a good husband to her? I can buy her anything if i want to.
Do you love her? I want her, mr.
Maitland.
That's not enough.
Leah needs somebody who is kind and hi, dad.
Hello, dear.
Hello, sal.
Hi.
Your father and i were having a pleasant little chat.
I've worked very hard to improve myself.
Haven't i, mr.
Maitland? You certainly look very prosperous.
I've had some luck.
Did you? I'm glad.
You know, you even sound different.
Oh, you noticed that.
Well, i met this young fellow from college and he needed some money, so we made a deal.
I paid him to help me improve my way of talking.
You must have worked very hard, sal.
I'll tell you about it over supper.
No, thank you very much.
I'm really so busy tonight.
Nonsense.
I've worked so hard at improving myself even your father can't object to you going out with me.
Can you, mr.
Maitland? Would you mind, dad? Leah, you know i've never tried to tell you what to do.
I won't stay out late.
And i would like to hear about everything that's been happening to you.
Just give me a couple of minutes to change.
See? Now tell me you feel nothing but a blank.
That, uh that never was the problem.
Well, then, what was the problem? You broke off with me because i was wrong.
What guy is right for you, leah? Tell me what kind of guy is right for you and i'll be that guy.
It doesn't work that way.
Well, i've got a christmas morning surprise for you, baby.
It works that way with me.
I can be anything i want.
I can buy anything i want.
I wish i could explain it to you.
It's not something that you can buy.
You name it.
It's the kind of person you are.
The things you care about, the people you care about.
I'm not criticizing you.
It's just the way you are.
What way, hmm? You don't care about me.
Not really.
You don't care about anybody.
Are you gentle? Are you kind? The man i marry is going to have to have compassion because otherwise, i won't be able to love him.
You mean like your stupid old man who rushes up eager to get pushed around? Yes.
I think my father's a compassionate man.
He cares about people just because they're people! That's the kind of man i'm talking about.
I'm tired, sal.
I'm going home.
Come here.
Don't you understand? It's not something that you can buy.
Go on, get out.
Get out of here.
Hello, dad.
Hello.
Oh, mr.
Maitland.
You shouldn't have waited up for us.
Here she is, safe and sounder than she was before she left.
I'm sorry, dad.
It's all right.
It's nice to know that somebody worries about me though.
Don't flatter yourself so much, my dear.
I really wanted to talk to sal.
All right.
If, uh, you two will excuse me, i've really got a very busy day tomorrow.
Good-bye, sal.
So long.
Good night, dad.
Good night, dear.
I'm glad you came in.
Oh, well, you're going to be even gladder.
I've thought a lot about it, and though i realize that you are what you are and it's not my place to judge you oh, look, i don't care please, please.
What you think of me i cannot let you ruin her life by marrying her.
I came here strictly on business.
You've got something i want to buy and i'm prepared to offer you $100,000 for it.
Now let that sum stir around in your head for a minute- $100,000.
Now that's enough to take care of you and to provide for leah.
What do i have that's worth that kind of money? Well it's a little hard to explain.
I love you very much.
Hello, mr.
Maitland.
I was just telling leah that i was hoping you'd be home.
L- i wanted to talk to you.
Can i come in? Yes.
Honey, would you leave us alone for a few minutes? It won't take long.
I love you.
I've got something i want to say to you.
I'm sorry for all the worry and grief i've caused you.
You see, you were right about me.
I wanted to marry leah to prove something i, i you see, she was a prize, a symbol.
But all that's changed.
And i know now that i'm very much in love with her.
And i'll make her a good husband, i promise you that.
I warned you i wouldn't let it happen.
You don't understand.
It's all changed.
I'm asking you for forgiveness for compassion.
Compassion? Don't you remember? I sold it to you yesterday.
The salvadore ross program for self-improvement.
The all-in-one, surefire success course that lets you lick the bully learn the language, dance the tango and anything else you want to do- or think you want to do.
Money-back guarantee.
Offer limited to the twilight zone.