The Twilight Zone (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

The Comedian

1 SAMIR: It's crazy times, guys, crazy times.
So one side is saying, "Hey, people are killing each other with machine guns.
"Maybe normal civilians shouldn't have machine guns, and only soldiers who are in an active ground war.
" And then the other side is saying, "Well, you can't take away machine guns "because of the Second Amendment.
"The Second Amendment, you can't regulate guns because of the Second Amendment.
" So, to be clear, your argument is that guns should have no regulations on them because of the Second Amendment, which literally starts with the words, "A well regulated.
" That's literally how it starts! And the whole amendment has 27 words, and three of them are "a," "well," and "regulated.
" That's 11.
1%, folks.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER] You know? I know what this guy's thinking.
This guy's like, "But, Samir, 11.
1% isn't that much.
" But imagine you're on a plane, and halfway through your journey, the pilot comes on and he's like, "Hey, folks.
"Classic good news, bad news.
"Good news, we'll be getting you 89% of the way there.
Bad news, that puts us at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.
That's my time.
Thank you.
Uh, something cheap and brown.
No ice.
[ICE CLINKING, DRINK POURS] JOE: Looking good, Tiff.
Huh? - Special occasion, huh? Come on.
- Perfect.
Thank you.
WOMAN: Leave me alone.
JOE: Let me try some new stuff on you.
Hey, why do they call me the gravedigger, huh? 'Cause I'd like to bury my face in those boobs.
- [LAUGHING] - Okay.
Okay, here's some advice if you want some: maybe you should try putting some jokes in there.
Yeah, well, I don't want to do jokes about cats versus dogs, and New York versus L.
, and airline food, and ethnic stereotypes, okay? Didi? If you don't make people think, your comedy's never going to matter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
People like my act, okay? - I have 59,000 followers.
- Mm-hmm.
So I should be more like Joe Donner - and murder some people? - MAN: Come on, what? Come on, you and me and a bottle of beer.
WOMAN: No, thanks.
Come on, baby.
Come on, he didn't.
He didn't.
What? [LAUGHING] The legal system ruled it wasn't murder.
Yeah, they fucked that up.
But you know what? That is exactly your problem, Samir.
Funny is funny.
And that dude not you, but that dude is funny.
Okay? No, that's Okay.
Well, good talk.
Hey, could you put that all in an e-mail and, uh, send it to the ocean? Yeah, sure.
Hey, could you suck my vagina? [LAUGHING] What matters is not followers.
- What matters is adjusted - Gross income.
Yeah, we all know that JC Wheel JC Wheeler.
In the fleshy flesh.
Oh, man, I Hey, can hey, I am such a fan of yours.
I mean, I know everyone's a fan of yours, but I'm the - Thank you.
- How's your day? What've you been doing? Man.
You were everywhere and then you just disappeared.
You had it all.
What happened? I had it all.
- Hey, I saw your set.
- Oh, you did? Oh, man feel free to tell me to go fuck myself, but if you have any notes for me or anything, I'll give you anything.
I'll give you my dog.
Well, it's not my dog.
It's my girlfriend's dog.
But we've been dating since high school, so it's basically my dog.
My dog, her dog.
Dog's a dog.
Your dog if you want it.
See, all this shit is funny.
Funnier than the Second Amendment, I'll tell you that.
Well, obviously, it's not the amendment that's funny.
What I find funny is the fraudulent Next.
What? Next topic.
[CHUCKLES] That's funny.
But seriously, if you have any notes for me, you know - You want notes? - Yeah.
Fuck politics.
The audience don't care about what you think.
They care about you.
Yeah, I know everyone says be personal, truth in comedy, but don't you think that's a bit of a cop-out? The audience doesn't want to hear you make points.
You dating a high school girl? - Now that's interesting.
- Oh.
I'm not dating a high school girl.
We Now that's comedy.
Right, but isn't that gross and exhibitionistic? Isn't the whole point to provide insight into the human condition? Provide insight, huh.
What do you want? Are you happy with your life? With your career? Don't you want it all? Yes.
More than anything.
You have one thing.
One natural resource.
You are a country with one export.
And you are the export.
I'll tell you a secret.
Put yourself out there and you will get laughs.
You will be successful.
Are you sure that's what you want? Yes.
Now you have to be sure to be sure.
'Cause once you put it out there the audience will take it in.
They will connect.
And once they connect to it it's theirs.
And once it's theirs that shit is gone forever.
Listen, my life is okay.
It's fine.
But you don't choose comedy because you want a fine life, you choose comedy because you want it all.
Well, okay, then.
- [LOUD LAUGHTER] - Right? Right? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - And let me tell you, your next guest needs no introduction.
I'm Joe Donner.
And you're a bunch of fucking idiots! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] [BELCHES, BLOWS] [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK] Hi, everybody.
So, the Second Amendment, which people use to justify having their, uh, uh, having no regulations on guns, um, actually begins with the words, "A well regulated.
1 perc percent of the whole thing.
I wish you could all see your own faces right now.
You have the exact expression that my dog has when she's taking a shit.
[LAUGHTER] Like, "Don't look at me.
" - "Why are you here watching this?" - [LAUGHTER] "There has to be a better way to do this.
" Okay.
Okay, you want to talk about this? Okay, I-I love my dog.
The other day, she peed on my pizza.
[LAUGHTER] But that's my fault.
I shouldn't have yelled at her while she was standing on my pizza.
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] But I She's cool.
Um, her name is Cat.
[LAUGHTER] Which I know sounds like a stupid name for a dog, but that's only because it is a stupid name for a dog.
[LAUGHTER] It's even stupider when you realize it's actually short for Cat-erpillar.
Come here, baby.
Cat? Hey, Rena? I really killed tonight.
- It's my best set ever.
That's great.
They were laughing at stuff I was saying, at the punch lines.
And at the end, they cheered so hard, I was like, "What's that?" and I was like, "Oh, that's for me.
" I've never felt anything like it.
Hey, where's Cat? Huh? No, you just sleep.
I'm gonna go walk the dog, but I can't find her.
Oh, I thought you said "dog.
" Yeah.
Where's Cat? Oh, my God, you didn't leave the door open, did you? Or the window? I don't know what this game is, Samir, but I'm trying to sleep.
Our dog, Rena.
Where's our dog? What? We don't have a dog or a cat, Samir.
You're so annoying.
NARRATOR: Samir Wassan is an artist of great principle.
A man who refuses to compromise his beliefs for a cheap joke.
But tonight, he felt the rush of the limelight for the first time.
Now, he'll have to decide what really matters to him when the laughter stops.
And how much he's willing to give to The Twilight Zone.
[THE TWILIGHT ZONETHEME PLAYING] NARRATOR: You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.
It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition.
And it lies between the pit of one's fears and the summit of one's knowledge.
You are now traveling through a dimension of imagination.
You've just crossed over into The Twilight Zone.
DEVEN: What happened to that bus stop? SAMIR: There's a very bad man who's another comic here, he got drunk and drove into it.
People died.
Anyway, could you give me a hand here? Is this a part of your act? No.
I had to google Jack Russell Terriers because I couldn't find any pictures of Cat on my phone, which is so strange, 'cause I take pictures of her all the time.
I don't get it.
Who's Cat? Oh, okay.
Rena put you up to this.
- Okay.
- What? What? No.
I like seeing you do stand-up.
You know what? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
You and Rena do your hilarious prank.
It's very funny.
Very funny.
Come on.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] Hey, uh, is JC Wheeler here today? [CHUCKLES]: Yeah, right.
That sign's so funny.
"No apostrophes.
" Yeah, you might be the target audience.
I don't get it.
'Cause the club's called Eddies, but you'd think that it would be Eddie's.
But then this sign's saying that, no, it is actually Eddie's, it's just that we don't allow apostrophes, so now it's Eddies.
That is funny.
Yeah, it's really clever.
DIDI: Hey, girls.
What is this? Community service? Oh, this is Deven, my nephew.
He's, uh, staying with me.
Actually, I'm Rena's nephew.
Oh, shit! He said check your lane.
He did not say "check your lane.
" He said check your bitch-ass lane.
SAMIR: Don't say the any of the bad words.
He's staying with us.
He's in from out of town.
Hey, handsome.
So, you seen Uncle Samir do his "comedy" before, or is this the first time you've had the "privilege"? I've seen him do it a couple of times, but you know, you're actually kind of what made me want to be a stand-up comic.
Just like you.
Oh, that's so nice.
Thank you for telling me.
DEVEN: Well, I mean, not just like you.
I kind of want to be, like you know, a good comedian? - Oh, shit! - Language.
- Nephew's funny, dude.
- All right.
Okay, um, I got to use the restroom before I get up on stage.
Why don't you just take a shit on stage like you did last time? And three of the 27 words are, "A well regulated.
You know what? Maybe I'll pull out my phone, too.
Maybe we can text, you know? What's everyone's phone number? You guys are just like my nephew.
I can only get through to him if I text him.
Hey, - asshole.
- [LAUGHTER] Get off your phone, I'm talking about you.
[APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER] He's ten years old, he's ten, and he was making fun of my act earlier tonight.
He was! He was saying I'm not funny.
He's ten.
Actually, he's not even my nephew.
I don't know if that makes it better or worse.
No, it actually makes it worse 'cause if he was my nephew, at least the family would be coming out on top, but this way [APPLAUSE] This way, just some random ten-year-old is dunking on me.
[LAUGHTER] Deven Singh, everyone.
Give it up for Deven Singh.
That was awesome.
You brought it.
That was actually a good set.
Thanks to Deven.
Have you seen him, by the way? I hope I didn't embarrass him too much.
Okay, who are we talking about right now? My nephew, my girlfriend's nephew.
Wants to be a comedian, but better than me.
I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but I think I just hit my Samir limit.
Hey, did you guys see a little boy come out here? Did you guys see a little boy, like, a ten-year-old boy - come out here at all? - WOMAN: Haven't seen him.
Hey, did you guys see a little boy come out here? - Like, a leather jacket, he's Indian? - Sorry, dude.
Deven? Deven! - Call Deven Singh.
- [PHONE CHIMES] AUTOMATED VOICE: Did you mean Anisha Singh? Call Deven Singh.
- No, no, no.
Call Deven.
- [PHONE CHIMES] AUTOMATED VOICE: I don't see "Deven" in your contacts.
Should I look for locations by that name? [PHONE CHIMES] Hey, have you heard from You see, the laws Samir.
It's lovely to see you.
RENA: Hey, baby.
How was your show? I didn't know you were gonna have company tonight.
We were just talking about comedy.
I was making the case that it is art, just as much as theater, or literature, or paintings.
Hold on one second, David.
You know, I have a lot of respect for what you do.
Thank you.
Um, can I talk to you real quick? It's about Deven.
- Who? - Deven.
Can we talk over here, please? Who's Deven again? - Is that Fran's boyfriend? - Deven.
Your sister's son.
I don't like that joke.
You know Anisha can't have kids.
But that's just it, see? Comedy has to go to these dark places because - it's art.
- That is bullshit.
- He's in this picture right here.
- What I'm saying is, if he doesn't push the boundaries, [FADING]: he's as derelict if I were to let an innocent man go to prison.
It really is no different.
Don't you remember? He was in this picture.
He was wearing that leather jacket and I made fun of him.
I called him The Fonz, and he was like, "Who's that? You're so old.
" Baby He's just gone.
Anisha never even had him.
Oh, my God, now you're worrying about my sister? You're right.
You-You-You're right, I shouldn't be worrying about her 'cause [STAMMERS] There never was a Deven, so it's not like he's dead.
He just never existed, so it's not like I killed him.
Okay, now you're scaring me.
Are you all right, Samir? What happened tonight? Are you feeling okay? SAMIR: It was JC Wheeler.
JC Wheeler told me Whoa, whoa, you met JC Wheeler? Yeah, he was at the club last night.
That is so cool.
JC Wheeler told me I need to put myself out there, that I need to be more personal on stage, and then people would connect to it, and then people would relate to me, and then [GASPS] It would be gone forever.
Please don't put me in the mental hospital.
Why the mental hospital? You got one picked out? [LAUGHS] There he is.
There's my guy.
It's okay, Samir.
Look, I think what you're describing might be a good thing.
The feeling that if you put something out there from your real life, you'll get laughs.
That sounds like therapy to me.
You work through these things so that you could free yourself from them.
It's terrifying to put yourself out there, but it's true what they say, "Sunlight really is the best disinfectant.
" Okay, okay, David, I'm-I'm sorry.
Would you mind? - Oh, say no more.
- [CHUCKLES] [CLICKS TONGUE] [SIGHS] You have been at this for five years, five.
And I've been very supportive, but if you've finally found the thing that can help you find your audience, how are you not gonna throw yourself at that? Well, what about the part where things get erased? DAVID: She's right, you know.
Art is the noblest pursuit in the world, but it's not paying the rent.
[WHISPERING]: I'm sorry.
COMIC: But what I really like, what I really like is when people spell curse words using asterisks.
You've seen this? You know what I'm talking about? It's like I guess asterisks are kind of like the chastity belt of the vowel world, in the vowel community.
I was looking for you.
Heard you were great the last couple nights.
Congrats, kid, you're headlining.
Thank you.
Don't fuck it up.
Huh? Who am I kidding? Come on, it's you, of course you're gonna fuck it up.
Hey, I'm just messing with you.
EMCEE: very funny guy, Samir Wassan! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] MAN: All right! [PEOPLE WHOOPING] SAMIR: Thank you.
So a lot of people use the Second Amendment as an excuse to say that guns shouldn't be regulated, except that the Second Amendment actually starts with the words, "A well regulated.
" I have a ten-year-old nephew, and the other day he was making fun of my act.
He's ten years old.
He's ten.
[QUIETLY]: I don't have a nephew anymore.
[WOMAN CLEARS THROAT] How about this president, huh? I don't want to say he's a fascist dickhead who should be hung by his nuts in the public square, but only because I don't want to talk to the Secret Service.
WOMAN: Oh, man.
Hey, uh, give it up for the guy who was on stage - right before me.
- [LIGHT LAUGHTER] - MAN: Yeah! - He's funny, right? He really crushed.
- Didn't he? - [CHEERING] Not as badly as he crushed a mom and her baby at the bus stop across the street.
[AUDIENCE OOHING] I'm not joking! He did that.
[LAUGHTER] That mangled bus stop across the street [APPLAUSE] that's his best work! That's his biggest credit! [LAUGHTER] It was in the news.
He got away with it, though.
And you saw his act, you-you wouldn't think a guy with a hateful, misogynistic act like that would also be a drunk driver.
No, actually, that stands.
That makes sense.
Give it up for human piece of shit, Joe Donner.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - [JOE LAUGHING] 'Cause he didn't smash into it, because he doesn't exist.
Hey, hey, you're the Hey, you totally killed tonight.
Oh, thank you.
You know, I actually un-killed two people.
- [LAUGHS] - This is you, right? - Yup.
- I am following you right now.
[LAUGHS] Oh, thank you so much.
- Don't drink and drive, okay? - All right.
Just like Joe Donner didn't anymore.
- Okay.
- You're so funny.
- He is.
- I also saved two lives.
One was a baby! [SCRIBBLING] [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] SAMIR: I knew this kid in high school, he was a prick! Just a bad guy.
He was mean, he was a bully.
But you know what? It's not fair to judge someone by how they were in high school, right? People change.
They grow, they learn.
So I looked him up online.
Now he works for Doctors Without Borders.
Oh, you horrible pieces of shit.
I'm joking.
Jamie Benson murdered his fiancée.
[LAUGHTER] He did! Yes! I love being right! - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] - Great! Not so great for his fiancée rest in peace.
She's gone now.
More like Murderers With Borders, am I right? Sometimes the covers do tell you a fair amount about the book, don't they? [CHEERING] Cheap and brown, - no ice.
- You know it, Al.
O-Or what about Coach Keller? Oh, yeah.
That was crazy.
I guess we just didn't know how crazy it was at the time.
Uh, I knew.
Man, there really are a lot of loathsome psychopaths in the world, huh? Thank God you're not a loathsome psychopath.
That's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me.
- Uh-oh! - Oh! - Ah! - Why are you screaming? I thought it might get on my coat.
What about my face? This is my favorite coat, and it is so much more expensive than your face, baby.
I'm sorry.
- What are you doing? - Pizza face! [SCREAMING, LAUGHING] [PHONE CHIMES] SAMIR: So you know how, in school, rumors would get started, and it didn't even matter if they were true or not, it would just become legend? You know what I'm talking about? Well, unless the Times and a jury of his peers were being huge gossips, - [LAUGHTER] - that rumor about Coach Keller being a pervert who preyed on kids? That rumor was true.
That one did happen.
You know, I've been feeling like my comedy could really make a difference, like, the more I open up on stage, the, the more I change the world.
[LAUGHS]: Is that completely narcissistic and delusional? Uh, yes, but I don't mind it.
I like this new you.
So do I.
Hey, um, do you remember that guy we ran into who you defended, and then later you found out he totally did do all those horrible things? I can't believe I said that.
No, no, no, it's good that you told me.
What did you say the guy's name was again? I can't tell you that.
Yes, you can.
David says a good defense attorney - never lets her opinions seep into - Oh, great, David.
Really? I'm so sorry I mentioned my friend's name in passing.
No, no, no, keep going.
There's gonna be a great story.
I've been starved for some of that David Kandel wisdom.
And I've been starved for some of that Samir Wassan jealous prick routine.
Jealous prick? Okay.
Routine? Wow.
Why, what would you call it? What would I call a law professor who's always having romantic dinners with his former student, - my girlfriend? - They are not romantic.
David is my friend, and my mentor Oh, mentor.
Yeah, why was I worried? There's no way a mentor would try and fuck an attractive student.
Screw you, Samir.
"Screw you.
" That's really good.
Are you taking argument classes? 'Cause that's still some beginner shit.
Maybe move up to "Go fuck yourself.
" Rena? SAMIR: So I met a murderer today.
I did.
I actually met a murderer.
I was talking to this tattooed guy on the bus, and he just straight-up told me that he murdered someone.
You know, I guess it makes sense, 'cause if I was a murderer, I would want to tell people, too, you know? Pride in what you do is important.
Although, it seems like resisting the urge to tell people might be an important life skill for a murderer.
His name was Buck.
From Pennsylvania? Unless he gave me a fake name.
- I, uh - [PHONE CHIMES] I've got something you guys might like.
Do you guys have a girlfriend who's got, like, a creepy older "mentor"? [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] You know, who's, like, just her friend, and not trying to sleep with her at all.
Just some older, white, pretentious motherfucker.
With his fucking little beard, and he knows everything.
This guy knows everything.
And then you get in trouble.
You get called a jealous boyfriend for trying to save her from getting MeToo'd by fucking David Kandel? [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] Wow.
"Top Comedians to Follow," huh? Oh, yeah.
I forgot about that.
Must be so exciting for you to know someone on that list.
You've been strutting around here like the cock of the walk lately.
[CHUCKLES] Great metaphor.
Hey, I'm a little busy right now.
Could you text my assistant, 'cause I want to talk.
Don't make me hurt you, Samir.
[QUIETLY]: Hey, baby.
Hilarious as always, Samir.
Hey, what would your, uh, mentor David have thought of that set? What are you talking about? Wait, where are you going? I have to get to my shift.
W-What shift? Rena, what's wrong? I'm late.
You gonna get me fired? Okay.
Why would they have you come in now? And they're not gonna fire their best lawyer for being slightly late.
Lawyer? Are you kidding me? Wait, wait, wait, you're, you're not a lawyer? Screw you.
David Kandel.
She doesn't have a career without fucking David Kandel.
Rena, I screwed something up.
You have screwed many things up, Samir, but I am late right now.
I'm sorry.
No, no, listen.
I changed something.
- Okay? You were supposed to - Supposed to what? Keep waiting patiently for you to get your career together? No.
Wait, where's your red coat? The one we got in Paris? - What are you talking about? - Paris.
When we went to Paris.
The We never went to Paris 'cause we couldn't afford it.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey.
I swear to God, if you touch me one more time - You okay, honey? - I'm fine.
She's fine.
It's okay, it's okay.
Okay, hey, hey, that was the trip that saved our relationship.
- But we didn't go on it - Saved our? Listen, we couldn't go because you couldn't afford it, but now I can afford it, so You're a dick, Samir.
- Okay, you don't understand - No, you don't understand.
You don't think about how your actions affect me or anybody else.
We're all just background to you.
- Material.
- COOK: Table 12.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorr hey.
Remember when you gave me that advice, when you told me that I could be strong on stage? That I could play to my strengths? You said that I need to let go of stuff? So I did that.
I did that for us.
I did that, I did that for you.
You said it was okay to punch.
When am I gonna be the joke? This argument, when's that gonna show up in your act? We're done, Samir.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
I have this power, okay? - I have this superpower.
The reason you're doing this right now The reason I'm doing this right now, Samir, is that you are a selfish asshole.
What do you think it's like to have a penis? Obviously That cute little Indian girl dumped you, huh? Shit, man, that sucks.
I'm sorry.
For you, I'm sorry for you.
'Cause that was just clearly the right decision for her, you know? She's all I know, I I don't know what I am without her.
[APPLAUSE IN DISTANCE] My career's finally taking off.
Can't win at everything, right? People think I'm funny.
You know how hard it's been for me, people not thinking I was funny? Yeah.
I hear you.
Maybe this is how it goes.
You get something, you got to give something up.
Samir, if you go on a murder rampage, can you try not to do it while I'm here, please? And just to be clear, I say that not because you're brown, I say it because "you're a man," sort of.
PETE: There's my two little stars.
There's our weird, creepy uncle.
[LAUGHS] [CHUCKLES] Weird, creepy laugh.
So, Candy Gower from The Gower Hour is coming to the late set tonight.
- Okay.
- And she is here for you two.
Two? PETE: You didn't hear this from me, but The Gower Hour needs a new cast member, and it's pretty much narrowed down to two up-and-coming comics you may have heard of named you and you.
Doesn't know our names.
EMCEE: Please welcome Samir Wassan.
He's Samir Wassan.
He just said it.
So [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] SAMIR: The Second Amendment says uh, "A well regulated" My football coach was a rapist.
WOMAN: What did he just say? Right.
You need fresh blood.
GABE: What we need is jokes.
Who said that? Who fucking said that? It was me.
So you think you're funny? No, we just think you're not.
What's your name? What's everybody's name? Gabe.
And where do you guys work? Uh, we work at Wellspring Capital.
So you're, what, like, hedge fund guys? WILL: Yeah, actually, we invest in hedge funds.
Wow is right, bro.
We're talking about count 'em mm nine figures.
Nine figures! I-I got to give it to you, that actually is impressive.
You know, I love guys like this.
[LAUGHTER] [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] They get off work after a long day of investing in hedge funds did I get that right? Want to make sure I get the details right here.
These guys are like, "Oh, we're gonna go to a comedy club, "we're gonna heckle the comedian.
And tell everyone how much money we make.
" Gabe and Will, ladies and gentlemen.
Gabe and Will.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] [WHOOPING] [EXHALES] It's you and me, huh? - Not now.
- Oh, yeah.
It's one spot.
One spot.
[CHUCKLES] On The Gower Hour.
[SCATTING] [LAUGHS] That shit should have gone straight to me.
I have been the MVP up in here for a minute.
But somehow, suddenly, you get funny.
How does that happen, huh? How the hell you pull that off? Didi, we really don't have to do this - right now.
- What? - I'm not gonna go on stage tonight.
- What? - What are you talking about? - I don't want it.
- You can have it.
I don't want it.
- No.
No, that is some - I-I'm not - No, fuck you.
No, I am not about to let you do that shit.
Why not? 'Cause you're good.
You've been fucking killing it.
And I'm honestly kind of embarrassed that I didn't see how funny you were from the start.
But you can't stop now.
So, I came in here to tell you that if, that if Candy Gower chooses you, well, then I would be happy.
'Cause it would be a good choice.
]: Didi to the stage.
Didi to the stage.
So no more of this bullshit about "Oh, I'm not gonna go up," and "Oh, my goodness, I have a vagina "and it's hurting and I'm on my period and I can't find tampons" or whatever the fuck you're talking about.
Okay? I'll see you on stage.
[SNIFFS] And may the baddest bitch win.
Which is me, by the way.
]: Didi, you're on deck.
Didi? You're on deck.
I swear to God if I were straight, I would probably be with a Idris Elba-type dude.
But I would throw you some pussy every now and again out of respect for your comedy.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Kill it tonight, boo.
Whoo! [LAUGHS] [KNOCKING] Let's get it! DEVEN: The club's called Eddies and you'd think that it would be Eddie's but then that sign says that it's Eddies.
But then this sign's saying that, no, it is actually Eddie's, it's just that we don't allow apostrophes, so now it's Eddies.
[PANTING] There you are.
Didi's up next, then you.
You ready? What the hell are you doing on the floor? Is Candy Gower here? You bet your dick she is.
This is it, kid.
This is it.
JC: This is it, kid.
This is it.
What did you do to me? Do to you? I just told you how to get what you wanted.
I wanted to make people laugh, I did not want to make them disappear.
I wanted to be the next Chris Rock.
Not evil David Copperfield.
I warned you what would happen if you put stuff out there.
You did not tell me I was gonna be murdering people.
Murdering people? Now who the hell is murdering people? You can't murder people who never existed.
That's semantics.
There are no crying moms.
It's not murder if there are no crying moms.
See, that's the criteria for murder.
Willful, premeditated, crying moms.
- But - But what? These people were never born.
Now, you might think you remember them but you're incorrect.
They're gone.
They're gone.
They are gone.
But where do they go? WOMAN [OVER P.
]: Samir Wassan, you're up next in five.
You still have a chance.
To get the success you said you wanted more than anything.
Why stop now? You're so close.
Finish it.
Use what you got.
Weaponize that shit.
Bring down the motherfucking house.
Oh, shit.
Okay, so, [FADING]: so many people talk about how hard it is [HIGH-PITCHED RINGING] So DIDI: Um She's so fine [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] But you know what? [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY] [MUFFLED LAUGHTER] - And that is a pussy-eating joke.
- [CHEERING] You guys have been amazing.
I'm Didi Scott.
Thank you so much.
That was hilarious.
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES] Keep it going for the incredible Di [MOUTHING] [APPLAUSE CONTINUES] Please keep it going [VOICE BREAKING]: Please keep it going Please keep it going for the incredible Didi Scott, everyone.
- [LOUD LAUGHTER] - Karen Conroy, she broke my heart.
Lizzy Appleman, what a bitch! Mary Beth Bryce! She didn't even know I was alive! Bye-bye! Mrs.
Kern from Westlake High.
You're gone! Sarah Vollman.
Oh, my parents' friends' kid, Neel.
I don't like how he looks at me.
Parson twins! Fuck them both! Um, Yuri Bhattacharya.
Yuri Bhattacharya's mom.
Let's go for it! Yuri Bhattacharya's fucking dog! Ah, Serena Tam! She wouldn't share her lunch Fuck you, bitch! Uh, um, Billy Chung! From college.
Fuck Billy Chung! Goodbye! Uh You know what? Dr.
Baldwin, my dentist? Fuck him! Fuck root canals! [LAUGHTER] Thank you! I like that.
Uh Skip Torrance, Jana Torrance! All the Torrances! [WOMAN BOOS] "Boo"? [WOMAN BOOS] Really? Read the fucking room.
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK] What are you doing here? You shouldn't be here.
You have something to say to me in the middle of my act? Your "act"? I hear this kid kills hecklers.
This is gonna be good.
This is your act.
I found it.
It's just names, Samir.
I don't even know who these people are.
People who wronged you, people you don't like.
Your act is just you being superior to other people.
Taking them down.
Go ahead.
Use me.
Use me for fuel.
Burn me up so you can get where you always wanted to go.
Do it.
What's stopping you? Okay.
You want to hear the whole story? You're right, I have been selfish.
You said it and I heard it.
I don't know if anybody else could've gotten me to hear that, but you sure know how to get me to hear things.
But I don't want to talk to you about that tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight, I want to talk to you about someone I've known a very long time.
Clever, loveable in a lot of ways, someone you'd think would be a good person with a lot to offer the world.
Ladies and gentlemen tonight, I want to talk to you about myself.
Which is a job like any other.
Except instead of climbing into the gears of an enormous machine to chase a hat, like I assume all of you do, I come up here and I try and make people laugh.
Why? Because I want to spread joy? Because I want the world to be a better place? Nope! It's because I'm a garbage can who needs lots of money and validation emptied right into me! I want people to come up to me on the street and ask for selfies! I don't even care if they know who I am.
I just want them to think I'm somebody! And I want to have it so much that I want to be sick of it.
I want them to come up to me and I want to be like, "Don't you know I'm just a garbage can who wants to live my own life?" Why do I want that? I don't know.
But it doesn't matter.
I am a bully.
People are just material to me.
I throw them away.
I'm a country with one export and there's really only one thing left for me to give! Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Samir Wassan! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] [INDISTINCT CHATTER] Hey.
Hey, dude.
- You have fun? - Yeah, it was actually - really funny.
- Glad you liked it.
Oh, look.
Didi Scott's right there.
- You want to say hi? - No, I'm fine.
You sure? Well, I'm gonna.
You were hilarious.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
[CLICKS TONGUE] Something to take the pain away.
[CHUCKLES] Coming right up, Deeds.
Well, holy shit.
JC Wheeler.
In the fleshy flesh.
[GASPS] I saw your set.
If If you had any notes NARRATOR: Samir Wassan learned the hard way that sometimes, getting everything you want means losing everything you love.
And after finally finding himself on the verge of becoming somebody, he chose instead to once again be a nobody.
In the end, Samir's final encore is a show you can only buy a ticket to in The Twilight Zone.