The Twilight Zone (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
A Traveler
1 [BELLS JINGLING.]
MAN: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus Right down Santa Claus Lane Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer Pulling on the reins Bells are ringing, children singing All is merry and bright Hang your stockings Oh, no, Santa Claus, don't come to town.
Aw, no.
Here comes Santa Claus Oh, God, you're killin' me with this Qallunaat shit.
Come on, turn it off, bro.
Please? For the boys and girls again Oh, God.
Okay, come on.
Isn't it supposed to be on, like, police radio or something, Officer? It is on police radio.
Captain Pendleton has dispatch play Christmas music - on Christmas Eve.
- That's stupid.
It's just one night a year.
Yeah, Christmas maybe, but they have been shoving their way of life on people everywhere they show up.
You know, they want me to live my life off of three wise guys who followed a star to a barn to find some magic kid? And that's supposed to be more spiritual than-than our ancestors dancing on the northern lights while they watch down on us? [GROANS.]
Qallunaat Christmas makes me feel like such a loser.
- [BURPS.]
- It's your lucky day.
Every year, Captain Pendleton makes a big show at our Christmas party.
He pardons an inmate in the holding cell.
It's been a slow year, and he didn't have anyone to pardon, so you're it.
Congrats.
Wait.
What?! Okay, so, you-you're pulling in your own brother on a bullshit charge just to let me go? Oh, now, come on, Yuka.
I mean, I know you're a sellout, but bullshit you are not.
How can you stand working for that lying sack of shit every day? Ah, it's tough, Jack.
Just the sound of his voice makes me want to punch something.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, well, unless you're the lead sled dog.
[CHUCKLING.]
: Guess the view's pretty much the same.
Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle I'm sorry for dragging you in, Jack, but [SCOFFS.]
Nah.
You won't be alone for a couple hours and Oh.
- you'll get some turkey.
- What? Really? Right down Santa Claus Lane What about some pie? I want some pie.
- If you're lucky.
- If I'm 'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight Ah, fuck Santa Claus! Cheer up, Jack.
You'll be back on that barstool in an hour.
[ELECTRICAL WHOOSH.]
Whoa.
What the hell is that? I don't know.
I mean, it's too much of a point to be the northern lights.
Must be a low polar orbit satellite.
Oh, no, no, no.
It must be for you, 'cause "Yuka" means "shining" and "brilliant" in Inuit, right? Although not so fucking brilliant when you fuckin' arrest me.
Who's that walking in the snow PENDLETON: All right! Gather around.
Time for a little Secret Santa here! [CHEERING.]
And it's no secret that I'll be your Santa again.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Can I get a "ho ho ho"? ALL: Ho! Ho! Ho! You people'd have to go 1,500 miles to the North Pole - to find a better Santa than me.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Would you take that, dear? - [ALL GROANING.]
MAN: Doesn't the base know it's Christmas Eve? Hey, Santa, how about our own power grid for Christmas? MATHESON: Eat shit, Buzz.
That does it.
Mayor's on the naughty list! - You heard him.
- Bad boy.
PENDLETON: All right, all right.
Arch Houghton? Where's Arch? - We got a Secret Santa for ya.
- MAN: Okay.
PENDLETON: There you go.
Merry Christmas.
[CHEERING, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I got you, too.
Get over here.
Hey, look she busted her brother! [CHEERING, BOOING.]
RITA: Your Christmas is saved, Lane! Uh-huh.
ALL [CHANTING.]
: Jack! Jack! Jack! - Jack! Jack! Jack! - PENDLETON: All right.
- Jack! Jack! Jack! - All right, all right.
- Take it easy.
Take it easy.
- Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! She's got work to do.
Mayor? - Yes, sir.
- Get over here.
- He knows what it is.
- Booze for him - This guy needs it in here.
- [OOHING, LAUGHTER.]
MAN: Look at that, honey.
WOMAN: Oh, great.
MAN [MUFFLED.]
: Three cheers for the mayor! Hip, hip, hooray! [MUFFLED, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[BEEPS, BUZZES.]
So, when do I get pardoned? I'll come back and get you after Captain Pendleton's done hearing himself talk.
So is that when I get pie after that? 'Cause I'm kind of hungry now.
Yes.
Don't worry.
You'll get your pie.
I promise.
It won't be long.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Santa please come early this Christmas And bring something special for me [BELLS JINGLING.]
Ooh-ooh - [SIGHS.]
- Ooh-ooh - Well, I'm humbled.
- Santa [ELECTRICAL WHOOSH.]
As I have been since I started this tradition some 20 years ago? Hmm.
Praying, Santa, please You know, every Christmas Eve I like to look out that window there, and I envision those those Three Wise Men just looking up at that Star of Bethlehem.
Same stars that my ancestors looked at when they first arrived to tame and make this the great 49th state of Alaska.
Before that what was there out here? Bunch of bears and Eskimos? That's about it.
Tonight, above all nights, I thank Jesus for my responsibilities He has bestowed upon me.
First, to my duty to defend my country and work to support our neighbors at the Cheney Air Force Listening Station with their state-of-the-art LRD radar.
Hmm? We may just be a modest little community down here.
Little outpost 151, but we support that high-tech station with our low-tech values.
- WOMAN: Yes.
- Am I right? - Oh, yeah.
- Now, I know it's a hassle when they get a little greedy with our power grid, but they rely on us for supplies, and we offer police protection outside that base 365 days out of the year.
- MAN: Yeah! - Yes! [WHOOPING, LAUGHTER.]
Tonight we got a duty to a a greater superior officer.
So, on this night, night before His birthday, He would have us remember that He wants us to be kind to strangers and visitors and stuff.
"I was hungry, you gave me something to eat.
" - Mm-hmm.
- "I was thirsty and you "gave me something to drink.
I was a stranger, and you said, 'Come on inside here.
'" And all the folks said, "When-when was this?" And you said, "When you were being nice to a stranger, you were being nice to me.
" Right? But the point is, you all know what I'm saying.
Unless you've been living in a cave somewhere, you know every year, I am kind to a stranger as long as they ain't killed nobody, or tried to terrorist-attack that Air Force base.
That would be a red line.
[LAUGHTER.]
So tonight, once again, I would like to pardon a stranger.
Yuka, dear, could you please go fetch the stranger to be kind to? Of course I won't call him a stranger, seeing it was your brother Jack you brought in here, and I've known Jack since about ever.
[LAUGHTER.]
I shouldn't say that.
[MUFFLED, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SIGHS.]
[ELECTRICAL CLICK, BUZZING.]
[BUZZES.]
[SNORING.]
- Jack? - [LOUD SNORING.]
Hey, Jack? Goddamn grid.
[SNORING CONTINUES.]
Jack? - [LOUD SNORING.]
- Jacko.
Wake up.
[GASPS.]
How'd you get in there? Who are you? I want to be pardoned.
Just like you will want to be pardoned.
Meet Sergeant Yuka Mongoyak, a woman with a knack for detecting the most subtle of mistruths.
On this night, a night of the most powerful of myths, that skill will be tested like never before.
She's about to learn that the truth can take many different forms, depending on how you look at it.
Because tonight, Sergeant Yuka's vantage point is at the very heart of The Twilight Zone.
[THE TWILIGHT ZONETHEME PLAYING.]
NARRATOR: You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.
It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition.
And it lies between the pit of one's fears and the summit of one's knowledge.
You are now traveling through a dimension of imagination.
You've just crossed over into The Twilight Zone.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
When the kids are fast asleep Gently down the stairs we'll creep Then we'll lock and bolt - All the doors - Yuka? Just you and me and Santa Claus Hey! [BUZZES.]
Hey.
What is taking so long? Someone's in here, Captain! - Is Jack screwing around again? - I don't know who this is in cell three, or how he got here.
What the hell are you talkin' about? I got all these people up here.
They're waiting for me.
He wants to be pardoned.
What the fuck is this? An elf escape from Santa's workshop? Who who-who is who the hell is this, and wh-why why is he wearing a suit? You're throwing a party.
I'm dressed for the best party.
Uh, one thing, though, and I hate to be the one, but I actually came from the North Pole, and there's no workshop up there.
Just a bunch of snow.
Came from the North Pole, huh? Yeah, I just flew over it on my way over here.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
I've been everywhere.
I'm actually a, uh I'm an extreme tourist.
It's a thing.
Have you heard about it? Mayor put you two up to this? Don't look at me.
[CHUCKLES.]
: No, I actually have my own YouTube channel.
It's called The Aggro Traveler's Bucket List.
I legally had my name changed in California to A.
Traveler.
[CHUCKLES.]
I visit the hardest places to get to.
Most people, they end up on Thanksgiving at Montage Kapalua Bay, and they're like, "I should've gone to Iglaak, Alaska, "to be pardoned by Captain Lane Pendleton on Christmas Eve.
Duh.
" Are you shittin' me? I mean, they-they've heard about this? They've heard about me all the way up here? Are you kidding me? Any aggro traveler anywhere in the world knows about Captain Lane Pendleton's Christmas Eve pardons.
That to be here in Iglaak on Christmas Eve sits high on any extreme tourist bucket list.
Ride a train to the top of Jungfraujoch.
Dive off Stari Most bridge.
Kiss Dee Dee Ramone's tombstone at Hollywood Forever Cemetery.
Get pardoned by Captain Lane Pendleton on Christmas Eve in Iglaak, Alaska.
[CHUCKLES.]
I did not realize.
I could see it, though.
- I could.
- Would that mean, um uh, Captain Pendleton, would you would you pardon me tonight? Oh, yeah, uh Well, let me think about that one, uh Hmm [CHUCKLES.]
Have you committed any crime? Only waiting so long to come here.
[LAUGHS.]
Y-You know, you said you got a YouTube.
Maybe you can video me-me pardon you, - and put it on the show, if you want.
- Yeah.
Absolutely.
You know what, I'll video it [QUIETLY.]
: Just a phone.
I'll throw it up online, and that way all the extreme tourists can see for themselves just how truly charming - you and this town are.
- Well, it's a good town.
[CHUCKLES.]
If you do this tonight, Captain, there'll be a lot more people just like me here next year.
Yeah, you know that-that show Alaskan Trooperson Nat Geo, they just totally blew us off.
I think it's just 'cause the Air Force base up the road doesn't like people poking around.
What kind of phone is this? Oh, Jesus, look at that thing.
Who makes that? It's a Russian design.
It's Russian-made? The Russians don't make anything.
- They steal everything.
- Oh, no, no, that actually already has an 8K video resolution.
It's a beta, but I'm sure if I said it was for Captain Pendleton, I could get you one.
Well, they're just across our front yard there, - across the Chukchi Sea, the Russians.
- I know.
They know all about you.
All right, well, doesn't look like it's gonna be Jack's night, so give him his phone back, unlock him.
I gotta pardon this guy.
Captain.
[QUIETLY.]
: We should run a 10-29 active warrants search.
Now? There's not gonna be anybody there tonight.
It's all done online.
PENDLETON: Well, what is your concern, Sergeant? YUKA: You said it.
Russian-made things are crap.
This is not a Russian phone.
Why is he lying? This could be a 10-96.
All right, you check it out, - and I'll pardon him, huh? - But what if we get a hit? We'll arrest him again.
[CLAPS HANDS.]
You have I.
D.
? Oh.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
Ooh.
Bright.
[SNORING.]
Right down here, we call this "The Corridor.
" Oh.
I got to tell you, this is incredible.
The crowd's gonna be excited to see you.
[CHATTER CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
[BAND PLAYING LIVELY MUSIC.]
WOMAN: Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open - [BAND CONTINUES PLAYING.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, lookee here, lookee here, the Good Lord has brought us an honest-to-goodness stranger to actually pardon here tonight.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- Now, Jack Mongoyak is back there sleeping it off, but I'm not too worried.
We'll just pardon him next year.
He'll be back.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Meanwhile, this guy may be a stranger, everybody, but he's he's a great guy.
In fact, he's he's a little bit of a celebrity.
He's got a-a show on the YouTube.
- [OTHERS GASPING.]
- Yeah.
Yeah.
And-and it's about visiting cool places.
Right? So I figure since he's here tonight, we must be cool, too.
And I'm not talking about the weather.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh.
Let me, uh, just do this here.
All right.
Hey, this is A.
Traveler, and I am finally, finally here.
I am so far up north, I'm a hundred miles from the Arctic Circle here in Iglaak, Alaska.
Everyone say "hello!" ALL: Hello! Now, it is Christmas Eve.
That means you know who this is.
And I'm not talking about no Santa Claus.
It's Captain Lane Pendleton, everyone! [OTHERS CHEERING, SHOUTING.]
PENDLETON: Oh, no, no - YUKA: Houghton.
- Sir, would-would it be okay if I - got a selfie with, the troopers? - Oh, what the hell! - All right! - Thank you.
I want to know how he got in the cell.
- Did you put him in there? - No.
TRAVELER: Everybody say "Iglaak" on three, okay? One, two, - three.
- ALL: Iglaak! There was that set of keys missing from last winter, and we never changed the locks, because Lupino lost them in six feet of snow, and we figured no one'd find them.
PENDLETON: All right, all right, let's do this thing.
Houghton, grab the chair.
And, ladies and gentlemen, attention! - Where's the chair? - HOUGHTON: Back there.
PENDLETON: All right, all right, come on back here.
Merry Christmas, John.
It's Sergeant Yuka Mongoyak.
- [TAPS KEYBOARD.]
- Oh, yeah.
Party's in full swing.
The pardoning just started, which is why I called.
Have you had any guests check in? May go by the name of A.
Traveler, wearing a black suit, five-nine, not from here.
- YUKA: City type.
- Thank you, just I.
D.
says California.
[SIGHS.]
: No, huh? Okay.
Hmm.
All right, well, you have a nice Christmas.
PENDLETON: With the power vested in me I hereby declare you pardoned from our jail cell in Iglaak Alaska.
And, of course, from all of us, Merry Christmas, sir.
[CHEERING, WHOOPING.]
Thank you.
Can I can I say something? Um on part of my journey up here, I rode the Trans-Siberian Railway nonstop for eight days, from Moscow to Vladivostok.
And along that ride, so many people came up to me to ask me about that tough American sheriff in Iglaak that they all admired.
- [LAUGHTER, LIVELY CHATTER.]
- Now, they even said that the North Koreans told the Russians that if they ever were gonna attack the United States, that they'd have to go around Captain Pendleton and the entire town of Iglaak, Alaska! - [CHEERING.]
- That's right.
That's right.
That's the truth! Crank up the music.
Merry Christmas.
This is Sergeant Yuka Mongoyak with the Alaska State Troopers Iglaak Post.
Sorry to trouble you on Christmas Eve, but I'm inquiring to see if there are any personnel considered AWOL from your Air Force base? PENDLETON: Shall we get this party going? OTHERS: Yeah! [SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Or have any alerts been issued on suspicious individuals in the area? I appreciate your help.
You, too.
Merry Christmas.
[LIVELY CHATTER CONTINUES.]
On Christmas Eve And you're calling it a night Just know if Santa's happy The presents will come all right Make Santa happy [LIVELY CHATTER CONTINUES.]
Make Santa happy Captain Pendleton just pardoned me and you're looking to put me back in jail? You haven't believed a single word out of my mouth, have you? Captain Pendleton does, but not you.
Now, that's the first honest thing you've said.
Don't you want to open up the present that I brought for you? What you'd like most for Christmas? To make sure you've done right I don't believe in Christmas.
Make Santa happy No coal in your stocking this year You believe in what you believe.
Isn't that what Christmas is all about? Make Santa happy No coal in your stocking this year You gotta make Santa happy If you want a Merry Christmas This year.
[DOOR OPENS.]
YUKA: Jack? [SNORING.]
Hey, Jack? - [METALLIC CLACKING.]
- Oh, what? What? I brought you some turkey and stuffing.
Okay, thanks.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
When the fuck am I getting out of here, Yuka? Are you fucking me over? And by the way, do you see any pie on here? Turkey now, pie later.
[SCOFFS.]
[QUIETLY.]
: Bullshit.
Hey, Jack? What would you say is the thing I'd want most for Christmas? Fuck Christmas.
Okay, yeah, but what if? I don't know.
Maybe to be one of them.
I honestly don't know if you know who you are anymore.
I know who I am.
And I'm proud of who I am.
At least I'm doing something.
Yeah, their way.
[DISTORTED, ECHOING VOICES.]
[DISTORTED LAUGHTER, CHEERING, CLAPPING.]
[DISTORTED, ECHOING MARCHING BAND MUSIC.]
TRAVELER: Old Mr.
Kringle is soon Gonna jingle the bells that'll tingle All your troubles away Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag 'Cause Christmas is coming again - Everybody! - [CHEERING.]
He's got a sleigh full, it's not gonna stay full Stuff that he's droppin' every stop of the way Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag 'Cause Christmas is coming again He'll be here With the answers to the prayers That you made through the year You'll get yours If you've done everything you should Extra special good He'll make this December the one to remember The best and the merriest You ever did have Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag Oh, where is your Christmas spirit, Yuka? You having a good time? You want a drink? No, I'm good, thank you.
10-97 on "A.
Traveler.
" Oh, well, he's a good guy.
[SIGHS.]
I knew there wouldn't be any priors on him.
Do you want to release Jack when he sobers up? I mean, we brought him in intending to release him.
I know he's drunk, but come on.
Everyone is.
It's Christmas.
He wasn't disorderly in the first place or resisted arrest.
Give me a chance for a twofer pardon.
Never done one of those before.
Yes, Captain.
Very jolly of you.
All right, go fetch him.
Let's do it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Thank you.
TRAVELER: Dance break! [CHEERING AND LAUGHTER.]
[LIVELY CHATTER.]
[ALL GROANING.]
Oh, no.
There's still more song left.
BUZZ: Fucking Air Force base.
MATHESON: Come on, now.
This town exists because of that base.
At this time next year, we will not be sharing a power grid.
RITA: Stop your campaigning.
We already reelected you last month.
MATHESON: God.
I'm getting so sick of you, Colchack.
The Air Force does not ask to tap into our power grid.
If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't be here, so shut up.
John, John, you've had too much to drink.
Stop talking about the fucking grid and fix it! - Do something! - PENDLETON: Hey! Hey, relax.
It'll come back on.
It always does, everybody.
Geez.
[ALL EXCLAIM.]
- All right.
- There you go.
Et voilà .
PENDLETON: Now, listen, before you crank up the Christmas karaoke over there, it does occur to me that we've got a another prisoner back there to offer a Christmas pardon to.
[DISTORTED.]
: What do y'all think? - Yeah.
- Yeah, let's do it.
- It's a twofer! - [CHEERING.]
All right, all right.
Arch, go grab Jack Mongoyak, bring him out here.
I wouldn't pardon Jack Mongoyak.
You're missing some tools from your snow machine shed.
No, not that we're aware of.
Now you know.
About a thousand dollars' worth.
They're in the trunk of Jack Mongoyak's car.
Back at the bar where Sergeant Mongoyak picked him up.
Jack's never stole a thing in his life.
Fine.
Don't believe me.
I-Ida? [CLEARS THROAT.]
You mind running down the road and checking on Jack's car? IDA: Sure thing, Captain.
Can I finish the song now? [PENDLETON SIGHS.]
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
How-How'd you know about the tools? YUKA: Captain, just 'cause he said it doesn't mean it's true.
Like everything else he's said tonight.
And if Trooper Lupino finds the tools, I'd guess you stole them and put them there.
And if they're not there wh-what would make you say such a thing? [CLEARS THROAT.]
It's 'cause I know things about this town.
And I know things about you people.
Rita, you're on a strict two-drink limit, but that's your fifth glass of eggnog.
Not counting the two shots of Patrón you had before you left the house.
So what? It's Christmas.
And Jacques, do you think your ex-wife will be expecting those delinquent child support payments in her stocking? What the hell are you talking about? That's not true.
That's not even true.
And, Mr.
Colchack, your bid on the construction of the airfield runway out beyond the lagoon was the lowest of all three bidders.
You piece of shit.
- I knew it.
- Mayor Matheson over here awarded the project to the Russian company - across the Bering Strait.
- That has not been determined.
BUZZ: Now, see, I warned you about this asshole! How could you reelect him? Oh, like you didn't go down on all the Air Force brass to get that bid for the cargo loading apron at the base, - Buzzy.
- Going down on? Now, that'ssomething you know about.
- Hang on to this, honey! - Oh, you wish, bitch! - BUZZ: Rita! - MATHESON: Hey, hey! [RITA AND DOTTIE GRUNTING.]
For crying out loud! Hey, don't you touch me! [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING.]
- PENDLETON: The party's over.
Come on.
- DOTTIE: Let go of me! Thanks.
- The party's over, everybody.
Come on.
- Break it up.
Grab your coats and get your drunk heinies out of here.
Everybody.
WOMAN: Take it easy.
PENDLETON: Merry Christmas.
Drive home safe.
Let's go.
Get him home safe.
All right.
Merry Christmas.
[WOLF HOWLING.]
PENDLETON: How the hell did he get in that cell? And how'd you know all these things? A.
Traveler.
Is that even your real name? Hey, 15, this is Post.
Y-You got a 10-71 on those tools yet? IDA: Post, this is 15.
It's 10-23.
There were no tools in Jack's car.
Repeat, negative on stolen tools.
Everyone's having a drink.
- 10-4.
- YUKA: See? - He's lying.
- Wait a minute.
You did know right where to go with Matheson and Colchack to set them off.
How? Well, they've hated each other ever since Buzz tried to feel up Dottie Matheson ten years ago at this very party.
That is an unsubstantiated rumor, and how did you know that?! How's he know that? What, are you What are you, friend? Huh? You a Russian spy? Man in Black? If you're Santa Claus, you're a little late delivering your toys.
[SIGHS.]
I'm Special Agent Douglas Heyes from the Anchorage field office.
Iglaak is a small town, but there exists widespread corruption that could affect the security of the United States of America.
You have any Bureau identification? Undercover special agents don't have I.
D.
, Sergeant.
Who's under investigation? I'll tell you who's under investigation.
You are.
And you're going right back into that cell until we can confirm with the Bureau in Anchorage.
JACK: Hey.
Yo.
What's the story with my pie? Yo, Captain, I'm supposed to be getting some pie.
I know the reasons you don't trust me.
But we'll work well together once Captain Pendleton's removed and you replace him.
When you're the lead sled dog.
Jack, you're pardoned.
Hell no.
It's 30 below, I-I'm too drunk to drive, and I'm not leaving till I get some motherfucking pie.
[LINE RINGING.]
OPERATOR: You've reached the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Anchorage Field Office.
If this is an emergency, please use our directory to contact a field agent directly.
[CRACKS NECK.]
We're sorry, but there is no agent that matches the information provided.
Our hours are Monday through Friday, 7:00 a.
m I'll go see.
Yuka.
I'll go with you.
What the actual fuck? [CHUCKLES.]
: What the actual what? Did you see that?! - Get those guns off me.
- Yuka? - Yuka, did you not see that? - JACK: I saw something.
Right? Yeah, he looked like a fucking snail.
He had antennae coming out his h-head.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Yuka, you're awfully quiet.
- What do you believe? - PENDLETON: She saw it.
She saw it.
We all saw it.
She may not be saying anything, but she saw it! No one saw anything because that's insane.
It's probably shadows from your flashlights or something.
Antennae? [CHUCKLES.]
You two are tripping on cheese log.
Take off the hat.
Now, I've been nothing but nice to you.
Nothing but nice.
So, you need to consider if it's worth the irreversible remorse to further address me with such rude intentions.
Especially when I know things about you, Captain Pendleton.
All you need to know is I got you locked up in my jail.
And to be exact, this jail is officially considered Alaska State Trooper Post 151.
What's the primary purpose of Post 151? To serve the public good.
By the support and protection of an acknowledged temporary vulnerability outside of the Cheney Air Force Listening Installation.
It's the point at which the Air Force facilities' power grid connects and is shared with the town of Iglaak's - older existing grid.
- PENDLETON: Okay.
That's enough.
There's a camouflage shed somewhere nearby that houses the connection point between the Air Force base and the town's power grid.
He's experiencing a mental breakdown of some kind.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
So, if a hostile force were to invade, they'd just have to destroy - that one shed? - PENDLETON: That location is classified information.
Classified is actually the most lucrative type of information.
Isn't it, Captain Lane Pendleton? Oh.
That's right, she doesn't know.
[CHUCKLES.]
Captain Pendleton has sold the information to our neighbors across the Chukchi Sea.
The Russians.
Nothing you've said has been the truth.
Oh, you want the truth? Oh, you can't handle the truth.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm sure anyone can understand the captain's motivation - for such corruption.
- PENDLETON: There is no motivation 'cause there has been no corruption.
20 years as the big cheese in Iglaak, Alaska.
It's not a location, nor is Alaska State Trooper an occupation, where anyone can make any real money or actually make any real impact on the world.
You shut your mouth.
Especially someone like you, Lane Pendleton, would have made a great impact.
You shut your mouth.
The best impact.
I'm gonna put a hole in this insect.
But you gave up on that idea.
You gave up on yourself, you just gave up.
I never gave up on anything.
I'm Agent Marius Constant from the National Reconnaissance Office.
Captain will save a lot of money and headache and maybe lives if he just confesses that he told the Russians about the location of the shed.
He's lying! At this very minute, Russian Spetsnaz forces are on their way to sabotage what I know is the location of the shed.
Thing is, my people are going to intercept them.
I'm going there right now, to warn the Americans or the Russians.
He stays here.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Mm.
[EXHALES, CHUCKLES.]
I thought he'd never leave.
Now we can talk.
So, I'm just trying to prove to everybody here what you've known for all these years, that he doesn't care about this area, this land, or your people.
That he's a liar.
[LOCK CLICKS.]
[CREAKING.]
[PANTING.]
See, I told you I knew what you wanted for Christmas.
So this is my gift to you.
Soon, you're gonna be the one giving the orders around here.
Don't be afraid of me, Yuka.
I mean, you don't know this and how would you know but you and I are a lot alike.
We have a lot of bosses above us.
There's always a bigger boss to be in awe of or afraid of.
But you and I, we're worker ants who get the job done.
Today I will.
You won't.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
But you know what? I'll keep my promise, though.
I'll put in a good word.
You'll be running this place.
But working for us.
Captain Pendleton, this is Post.
10-19.
Return to base.
10-39.
Urgent.
10-39.
Urgent.
Pendleton, can you hear me? [STATIC.]
Our intelligence indicated that you would be vulnerable to attack, somewhere in this vicinity, on this day.
So, in order to ensure the success of the invasion, Pendleton needed to lead us to the power source of the Air Force early discrimination system in order to remove it.
And you let Pendleton go.
Is it because maybe you thought it'd get rid of him or give you his job or both? You'll never have to worry about Captain Pendleton again.
Or, uh, Christmas, for that matter.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's with the gun, Yuka? I mean, why do you want to kill me? You knew what I was.
I did nothing but lie to you.
Only, once I said something that might benefit you, you chose to ignore it.
See, that's not a lie.
You willingly accepted the lie.
That's worse.
Now it's too late.
[PANTING.]
No.
It's not too late.
Just arrived at the mesosphere.
Captain Pendleton, respond! Do not go to the shed! All units respond.
Does anyone have a 20 on Captain Pendleton? Captain Pendleton, this is Post.
10-19.
Repeat, 10-19.
Do not go to the shed.
Ah, fuck! Hey, bro.
You know, if you could, uh, you know, like, use your magic and open my cell, too Whoa.
That's a cool trick, man.
Thanks.
[INDISTINCT ARGUING.]
Arch! - [HORN HONKING.]
- Arch! Any 20 on Captain Pendleton? Yeah.
A while ago, I saw him going south on Nixon, but, just now, he tore off toward County Highway.
- No! Get off me! - Break it up, ladies! - Break it up! - Get the fuck off me! Get off! [HOWLING IN DISTANCE.]
Captain Pendleton! Captain Pendleton! Step away from the structure with your hands raised above your head.
You brought a Remington shotgun to a Russian invasion? [EXHALES, SNIFFS.]
Put the gun down, Sergeant.
He lied about that, too.
Lane Pendleton, you're under arrest.
[CHUCKLING.]
[SNIFFS.]
Oh, really, Yuka? Out here? Now? You're here.
So the Traveler wasn't lying about what you did.
You came to meet your Russian contacts to tip them off.
[SHOTGUN PUMPS.]
Well, maybe, uh it'll be better with you guys running things.
[HEART BEATING.]
Oh.
Let me guess.
You're getting my job.
Is that what he told you? Yeah.
Yeah, see it's only a lie if we choose to believe it.
[DISTANT BOOMING.]
Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, dong-dong Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding Santa - Won't you hurry - Mmm.
That's pretty good.
Definitely worth the wait.
We've been waiting all year long for You and your reindeer in the sky NARRATOR: The most dangerous lies come in the form of beautifully wrapped gifts.
On this evening, Sergeant Yuka discovered that there's no difference between myth and mistruth.
She unwrapped her fateful present far too late on this dark and silent night in The Twilight Zone.
Hurry, Santa!
MAN: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus Right down Santa Claus Lane Vixen and Blitzen and all his reindeer Pulling on the reins Bells are ringing, children singing All is merry and bright Hang your stockings Oh, no, Santa Claus, don't come to town.
Aw, no.
Here comes Santa Claus Oh, God, you're killin' me with this Qallunaat shit.
Come on, turn it off, bro.
Please? For the boys and girls again Oh, God.
Okay, come on.
Isn't it supposed to be on, like, police radio or something, Officer? It is on police radio.
Captain Pendleton has dispatch play Christmas music - on Christmas Eve.
- That's stupid.
It's just one night a year.
Yeah, Christmas maybe, but they have been shoving their way of life on people everywhere they show up.
You know, they want me to live my life off of three wise guys who followed a star to a barn to find some magic kid? And that's supposed to be more spiritual than-than our ancestors dancing on the northern lights while they watch down on us? [GROANS.]
Qallunaat Christmas makes me feel like such a loser.
- [BURPS.]
- It's your lucky day.
Every year, Captain Pendleton makes a big show at our Christmas party.
He pardons an inmate in the holding cell.
It's been a slow year, and he didn't have anyone to pardon, so you're it.
Congrats.
Wait.
What?! Okay, so, you-you're pulling in your own brother on a bullshit charge just to let me go? Oh, now, come on, Yuka.
I mean, I know you're a sellout, but bullshit you are not.
How can you stand working for that lying sack of shit every day? Ah, it's tough, Jack.
Just the sound of his voice makes me want to punch something.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, well, unless you're the lead sled dog.
[CHUCKLING.]
: Guess the view's pretty much the same.
Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle I'm sorry for dragging you in, Jack, but [SCOFFS.]
Nah.
You won't be alone for a couple hours and Oh.
- you'll get some turkey.
- What? Really? Right down Santa Claus Lane What about some pie? I want some pie.
- If you're lucky.
- If I'm 'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight Ah, fuck Santa Claus! Cheer up, Jack.
You'll be back on that barstool in an hour.
[ELECTRICAL WHOOSH.]
Whoa.
What the hell is that? I don't know.
I mean, it's too much of a point to be the northern lights.
Must be a low polar orbit satellite.
Oh, no, no, no.
It must be for you, 'cause "Yuka" means "shining" and "brilliant" in Inuit, right? Although not so fucking brilliant when you fuckin' arrest me.
Who's that walking in the snow PENDLETON: All right! Gather around.
Time for a little Secret Santa here! [CHEERING.]
And it's no secret that I'll be your Santa again.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Can I get a "ho ho ho"? ALL: Ho! Ho! Ho! You people'd have to go 1,500 miles to the North Pole - to find a better Santa than me.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Would you take that, dear? - [ALL GROANING.]
MAN: Doesn't the base know it's Christmas Eve? Hey, Santa, how about our own power grid for Christmas? MATHESON: Eat shit, Buzz.
That does it.
Mayor's on the naughty list! - You heard him.
- Bad boy.
PENDLETON: All right, all right.
Arch Houghton? Where's Arch? - We got a Secret Santa for ya.
- MAN: Okay.
PENDLETON: There you go.
Merry Christmas.
[CHEERING, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I got you, too.
Get over here.
Hey, look she busted her brother! [CHEERING, BOOING.]
RITA: Your Christmas is saved, Lane! Uh-huh.
ALL [CHANTING.]
: Jack! Jack! Jack! - Jack! Jack! Jack! - PENDLETON: All right.
- Jack! Jack! Jack! - All right, all right.
- Take it easy.
Take it easy.
- Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! She's got work to do.
Mayor? - Yes, sir.
- Get over here.
- He knows what it is.
- Booze for him - This guy needs it in here.
- [OOHING, LAUGHTER.]
MAN: Look at that, honey.
WOMAN: Oh, great.
MAN [MUFFLED.]
: Three cheers for the mayor! Hip, hip, hooray! [MUFFLED, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[BEEPS, BUZZES.]
So, when do I get pardoned? I'll come back and get you after Captain Pendleton's done hearing himself talk.
So is that when I get pie after that? 'Cause I'm kind of hungry now.
Yes.
Don't worry.
You'll get your pie.
I promise.
It won't be long.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Santa please come early this Christmas And bring something special for me [BELLS JINGLING.]
Ooh-ooh - [SIGHS.]
- Ooh-ooh - Well, I'm humbled.
- Santa [ELECTRICAL WHOOSH.]
As I have been since I started this tradition some 20 years ago? Hmm.
Praying, Santa, please You know, every Christmas Eve I like to look out that window there, and I envision those those Three Wise Men just looking up at that Star of Bethlehem.
Same stars that my ancestors looked at when they first arrived to tame and make this the great 49th state of Alaska.
Before that what was there out here? Bunch of bears and Eskimos? That's about it.
Tonight, above all nights, I thank Jesus for my responsibilities He has bestowed upon me.
First, to my duty to defend my country and work to support our neighbors at the Cheney Air Force Listening Station with their state-of-the-art LRD radar.
Hmm? We may just be a modest little community down here.
Little outpost 151, but we support that high-tech station with our low-tech values.
- WOMAN: Yes.
- Am I right? - Oh, yeah.
- Now, I know it's a hassle when they get a little greedy with our power grid, but they rely on us for supplies, and we offer police protection outside that base 365 days out of the year.
- MAN: Yeah! - Yes! [WHOOPING, LAUGHTER.]
Tonight we got a duty to a a greater superior officer.
So, on this night, night before His birthday, He would have us remember that He wants us to be kind to strangers and visitors and stuff.
"I was hungry, you gave me something to eat.
" - Mm-hmm.
- "I was thirsty and you "gave me something to drink.
I was a stranger, and you said, 'Come on inside here.
'" And all the folks said, "When-when was this?" And you said, "When you were being nice to a stranger, you were being nice to me.
" Right? But the point is, you all know what I'm saying.
Unless you've been living in a cave somewhere, you know every year, I am kind to a stranger as long as they ain't killed nobody, or tried to terrorist-attack that Air Force base.
That would be a red line.
[LAUGHTER.]
So tonight, once again, I would like to pardon a stranger.
Yuka, dear, could you please go fetch the stranger to be kind to? Of course I won't call him a stranger, seeing it was your brother Jack you brought in here, and I've known Jack since about ever.
[LAUGHTER.]
I shouldn't say that.
[MUFFLED, INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SIGHS.]
[ELECTRICAL CLICK, BUZZING.]
[BUZZES.]
[SNORING.]
- Jack? - [LOUD SNORING.]
Hey, Jack? Goddamn grid.
[SNORING CONTINUES.]
Jack? - [LOUD SNORING.]
- Jacko.
Wake up.
[GASPS.]
How'd you get in there? Who are you? I want to be pardoned.
Just like you will want to be pardoned.
Meet Sergeant Yuka Mongoyak, a woman with a knack for detecting the most subtle of mistruths.
On this night, a night of the most powerful of myths, that skill will be tested like never before.
She's about to learn that the truth can take many different forms, depending on how you look at it.
Because tonight, Sergeant Yuka's vantage point is at the very heart of The Twilight Zone.
[THE TWILIGHT ZONETHEME PLAYING.]
NARRATOR: You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.
It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition.
And it lies between the pit of one's fears and the summit of one's knowledge.
You are now traveling through a dimension of imagination.
You've just crossed over into The Twilight Zone.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
When the kids are fast asleep Gently down the stairs we'll creep Then we'll lock and bolt - All the doors - Yuka? Just you and me and Santa Claus Hey! [BUZZES.]
Hey.
What is taking so long? Someone's in here, Captain! - Is Jack screwing around again? - I don't know who this is in cell three, or how he got here.
What the hell are you talkin' about? I got all these people up here.
They're waiting for me.
He wants to be pardoned.
What the fuck is this? An elf escape from Santa's workshop? Who who-who is who the hell is this, and wh-why why is he wearing a suit? You're throwing a party.
I'm dressed for the best party.
Uh, one thing, though, and I hate to be the one, but I actually came from the North Pole, and there's no workshop up there.
Just a bunch of snow.
Came from the North Pole, huh? Yeah, I just flew over it on my way over here.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
I've been everywhere.
I'm actually a, uh I'm an extreme tourist.
It's a thing.
Have you heard about it? Mayor put you two up to this? Don't look at me.
[CHUCKLES.]
: No, I actually have my own YouTube channel.
It's called The Aggro Traveler's Bucket List.
I legally had my name changed in California to A.
Traveler.
[CHUCKLES.]
I visit the hardest places to get to.
Most people, they end up on Thanksgiving at Montage Kapalua Bay, and they're like, "I should've gone to Iglaak, Alaska, "to be pardoned by Captain Lane Pendleton on Christmas Eve.
Duh.
" Are you shittin' me? I mean, they-they've heard about this? They've heard about me all the way up here? Are you kidding me? Any aggro traveler anywhere in the world knows about Captain Lane Pendleton's Christmas Eve pardons.
That to be here in Iglaak on Christmas Eve sits high on any extreme tourist bucket list.
Ride a train to the top of Jungfraujoch.
Dive off Stari Most bridge.
Kiss Dee Dee Ramone's tombstone at Hollywood Forever Cemetery.
Get pardoned by Captain Lane Pendleton on Christmas Eve in Iglaak, Alaska.
[CHUCKLES.]
I did not realize.
I could see it, though.
- I could.
- Would that mean, um uh, Captain Pendleton, would you would you pardon me tonight? Oh, yeah, uh Well, let me think about that one, uh Hmm [CHUCKLES.]
Have you committed any crime? Only waiting so long to come here.
[LAUGHS.]
Y-You know, you said you got a YouTube.
Maybe you can video me-me pardon you, - and put it on the show, if you want.
- Yeah.
Absolutely.
You know what, I'll video it [QUIETLY.]
: Just a phone.
I'll throw it up online, and that way all the extreme tourists can see for themselves just how truly charming - you and this town are.
- Well, it's a good town.
[CHUCKLES.]
If you do this tonight, Captain, there'll be a lot more people just like me here next year.
Yeah, you know that-that show Alaskan Trooperson Nat Geo, they just totally blew us off.
I think it's just 'cause the Air Force base up the road doesn't like people poking around.
What kind of phone is this? Oh, Jesus, look at that thing.
Who makes that? It's a Russian design.
It's Russian-made? The Russians don't make anything.
- They steal everything.
- Oh, no, no, that actually already has an 8K video resolution.
It's a beta, but I'm sure if I said it was for Captain Pendleton, I could get you one.
Well, they're just across our front yard there, - across the Chukchi Sea, the Russians.
- I know.
They know all about you.
All right, well, doesn't look like it's gonna be Jack's night, so give him his phone back, unlock him.
I gotta pardon this guy.
Captain.
[QUIETLY.]
: We should run a 10-29 active warrants search.
Now? There's not gonna be anybody there tonight.
It's all done online.
PENDLETON: Well, what is your concern, Sergeant? YUKA: You said it.
Russian-made things are crap.
This is not a Russian phone.
Why is he lying? This could be a 10-96.
All right, you check it out, - and I'll pardon him, huh? - But what if we get a hit? We'll arrest him again.
[CLAPS HANDS.]
You have I.
D.
? Oh.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
Ooh.
Bright.
[SNORING.]
Right down here, we call this "The Corridor.
" Oh.
I got to tell you, this is incredible.
The crowd's gonna be excited to see you.
[CHATTER CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
[BAND PLAYING LIVELY MUSIC.]
WOMAN: Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open - [BAND CONTINUES PLAYING.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Hey, lookee here, lookee here, the Good Lord has brought us an honest-to-goodness stranger to actually pardon here tonight.
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- Now, Jack Mongoyak is back there sleeping it off, but I'm not too worried.
We'll just pardon him next year.
He'll be back.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Meanwhile, this guy may be a stranger, everybody, but he's he's a great guy.
In fact, he's he's a little bit of a celebrity.
He's got a-a show on the YouTube.
- [OTHERS GASPING.]
- Yeah.
Yeah.
And-and it's about visiting cool places.
Right? So I figure since he's here tonight, we must be cool, too.
And I'm not talking about the weather.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh.
Let me, uh, just do this here.
All right.
Hey, this is A.
Traveler, and I am finally, finally here.
I am so far up north, I'm a hundred miles from the Arctic Circle here in Iglaak, Alaska.
Everyone say "hello!" ALL: Hello! Now, it is Christmas Eve.
That means you know who this is.
And I'm not talking about no Santa Claus.
It's Captain Lane Pendleton, everyone! [OTHERS CHEERING, SHOUTING.]
PENDLETON: Oh, no, no - YUKA: Houghton.
- Sir, would-would it be okay if I - got a selfie with, the troopers? - Oh, what the hell! - All right! - Thank you.
I want to know how he got in the cell.
- Did you put him in there? - No.
TRAVELER: Everybody say "Iglaak" on three, okay? One, two, - three.
- ALL: Iglaak! There was that set of keys missing from last winter, and we never changed the locks, because Lupino lost them in six feet of snow, and we figured no one'd find them.
PENDLETON: All right, all right, let's do this thing.
Houghton, grab the chair.
And, ladies and gentlemen, attention! - Where's the chair? - HOUGHTON: Back there.
PENDLETON: All right, all right, come on back here.
Merry Christmas, John.
It's Sergeant Yuka Mongoyak.
- [TAPS KEYBOARD.]
- Oh, yeah.
Party's in full swing.
The pardoning just started, which is why I called.
Have you had any guests check in? May go by the name of A.
Traveler, wearing a black suit, five-nine, not from here.
- YUKA: City type.
- Thank you, just I.
D.
says California.
[SIGHS.]
: No, huh? Okay.
Hmm.
All right, well, you have a nice Christmas.
PENDLETON: With the power vested in me I hereby declare you pardoned from our jail cell in Iglaak Alaska.
And, of course, from all of us, Merry Christmas, sir.
[CHEERING, WHOOPING.]
Thank you.
Can I can I say something? Um on part of my journey up here, I rode the Trans-Siberian Railway nonstop for eight days, from Moscow to Vladivostok.
And along that ride, so many people came up to me to ask me about that tough American sheriff in Iglaak that they all admired.
- [LAUGHTER, LIVELY CHATTER.]
- Now, they even said that the North Koreans told the Russians that if they ever were gonna attack the United States, that they'd have to go around Captain Pendleton and the entire town of Iglaak, Alaska! - [CHEERING.]
- That's right.
That's right.
That's the truth! Crank up the music.
Merry Christmas.
This is Sergeant Yuka Mongoyak with the Alaska State Troopers Iglaak Post.
Sorry to trouble you on Christmas Eve, but I'm inquiring to see if there are any personnel considered AWOL from your Air Force base? PENDLETON: Shall we get this party going? OTHERS: Yeah! [SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Or have any alerts been issued on suspicious individuals in the area? I appreciate your help.
You, too.
Merry Christmas.
[LIVELY CHATTER CONTINUES.]
On Christmas Eve And you're calling it a night Just know if Santa's happy The presents will come all right Make Santa happy [LIVELY CHATTER CONTINUES.]
Make Santa happy Captain Pendleton just pardoned me and you're looking to put me back in jail? You haven't believed a single word out of my mouth, have you? Captain Pendleton does, but not you.
Now, that's the first honest thing you've said.
Don't you want to open up the present that I brought for you? What you'd like most for Christmas? To make sure you've done right I don't believe in Christmas.
Make Santa happy No coal in your stocking this year You believe in what you believe.
Isn't that what Christmas is all about? Make Santa happy No coal in your stocking this year You gotta make Santa happy If you want a Merry Christmas This year.
[DOOR OPENS.]
YUKA: Jack? [SNORING.]
Hey, Jack? - [METALLIC CLACKING.]
- Oh, what? What? I brought you some turkey and stuffing.
Okay, thanks.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
When the fuck am I getting out of here, Yuka? Are you fucking me over? And by the way, do you see any pie on here? Turkey now, pie later.
[SCOFFS.]
[QUIETLY.]
: Bullshit.
Hey, Jack? What would you say is the thing I'd want most for Christmas? Fuck Christmas.
Okay, yeah, but what if? I don't know.
Maybe to be one of them.
I honestly don't know if you know who you are anymore.
I know who I am.
And I'm proud of who I am.
At least I'm doing something.
Yeah, their way.
[DISTORTED, ECHOING VOICES.]
[DISTORTED LAUGHTER, CHEERING, CLAPPING.]
[DISTORTED, ECHOING MARCHING BAND MUSIC.]
TRAVELER: Old Mr.
Kringle is soon Gonna jingle the bells that'll tingle All your troubles away Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag 'Cause Christmas is coming again - Everybody! - [CHEERING.]
He's got a sleigh full, it's not gonna stay full Stuff that he's droppin' every stop of the way Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag 'Cause Christmas is coming again He'll be here With the answers to the prayers That you made through the year You'll get yours If you've done everything you should Extra special good He'll make this December the one to remember The best and the merriest You ever did have Everybody's waiting for the man with the bag Oh, where is your Christmas spirit, Yuka? You having a good time? You want a drink? No, I'm good, thank you.
10-97 on "A.
Traveler.
" Oh, well, he's a good guy.
[SIGHS.]
I knew there wouldn't be any priors on him.
Do you want to release Jack when he sobers up? I mean, we brought him in intending to release him.
I know he's drunk, but come on.
Everyone is.
It's Christmas.
He wasn't disorderly in the first place or resisted arrest.
Give me a chance for a twofer pardon.
Never done one of those before.
Yes, Captain.
Very jolly of you.
All right, go fetch him.
Let's do it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Thank you.
TRAVELER: Dance break! [CHEERING AND LAUGHTER.]
[LIVELY CHATTER.]
[ALL GROANING.]
Oh, no.
There's still more song left.
BUZZ: Fucking Air Force base.
MATHESON: Come on, now.
This town exists because of that base.
At this time next year, we will not be sharing a power grid.
RITA: Stop your campaigning.
We already reelected you last month.
MATHESON: God.
I'm getting so sick of you, Colchack.
The Air Force does not ask to tap into our power grid.
If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't be here, so shut up.
John, John, you've had too much to drink.
Stop talking about the fucking grid and fix it! - Do something! - PENDLETON: Hey! Hey, relax.
It'll come back on.
It always does, everybody.
Geez.
[ALL EXCLAIM.]
- All right.
- There you go.
Et voilà .
PENDLETON: Now, listen, before you crank up the Christmas karaoke over there, it does occur to me that we've got a another prisoner back there to offer a Christmas pardon to.
[DISTORTED.]
: What do y'all think? - Yeah.
- Yeah, let's do it.
- It's a twofer! - [CHEERING.]
All right, all right.
Arch, go grab Jack Mongoyak, bring him out here.
I wouldn't pardon Jack Mongoyak.
You're missing some tools from your snow machine shed.
No, not that we're aware of.
Now you know.
About a thousand dollars' worth.
They're in the trunk of Jack Mongoyak's car.
Back at the bar where Sergeant Mongoyak picked him up.
Jack's never stole a thing in his life.
Fine.
Don't believe me.
I-Ida? [CLEARS THROAT.]
You mind running down the road and checking on Jack's car? IDA: Sure thing, Captain.
Can I finish the song now? [PENDLETON SIGHS.]
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
How-How'd you know about the tools? YUKA: Captain, just 'cause he said it doesn't mean it's true.
Like everything else he's said tonight.
And if Trooper Lupino finds the tools, I'd guess you stole them and put them there.
And if they're not there wh-what would make you say such a thing? [CLEARS THROAT.]
It's 'cause I know things about this town.
And I know things about you people.
Rita, you're on a strict two-drink limit, but that's your fifth glass of eggnog.
Not counting the two shots of Patrón you had before you left the house.
So what? It's Christmas.
And Jacques, do you think your ex-wife will be expecting those delinquent child support payments in her stocking? What the hell are you talking about? That's not true.
That's not even true.
And, Mr.
Colchack, your bid on the construction of the airfield runway out beyond the lagoon was the lowest of all three bidders.
You piece of shit.
- I knew it.
- Mayor Matheson over here awarded the project to the Russian company - across the Bering Strait.
- That has not been determined.
BUZZ: Now, see, I warned you about this asshole! How could you reelect him? Oh, like you didn't go down on all the Air Force brass to get that bid for the cargo loading apron at the base, - Buzzy.
- Going down on? Now, that'ssomething you know about.
- Hang on to this, honey! - Oh, you wish, bitch! - BUZZ: Rita! - MATHESON: Hey, hey! [RITA AND DOTTIE GRUNTING.]
For crying out loud! Hey, don't you touch me! [OVERLAPPING SHOUTING.]
- PENDLETON: The party's over.
Come on.
- DOTTIE: Let go of me! Thanks.
- The party's over, everybody.
Come on.
- Break it up.
Grab your coats and get your drunk heinies out of here.
Everybody.
WOMAN: Take it easy.
PENDLETON: Merry Christmas.
Drive home safe.
Let's go.
Get him home safe.
All right.
Merry Christmas.
[WOLF HOWLING.]
PENDLETON: How the hell did he get in that cell? And how'd you know all these things? A.
Traveler.
Is that even your real name? Hey, 15, this is Post.
Y-You got a 10-71 on those tools yet? IDA: Post, this is 15.
It's 10-23.
There were no tools in Jack's car.
Repeat, negative on stolen tools.
Everyone's having a drink.
- 10-4.
- YUKA: See? - He's lying.
- Wait a minute.
You did know right where to go with Matheson and Colchack to set them off.
How? Well, they've hated each other ever since Buzz tried to feel up Dottie Matheson ten years ago at this very party.
That is an unsubstantiated rumor, and how did you know that?! How's he know that? What, are you What are you, friend? Huh? You a Russian spy? Man in Black? If you're Santa Claus, you're a little late delivering your toys.
[SIGHS.]
I'm Special Agent Douglas Heyes from the Anchorage field office.
Iglaak is a small town, but there exists widespread corruption that could affect the security of the United States of America.
You have any Bureau identification? Undercover special agents don't have I.
D.
, Sergeant.
Who's under investigation? I'll tell you who's under investigation.
You are.
And you're going right back into that cell until we can confirm with the Bureau in Anchorage.
JACK: Hey.
Yo.
What's the story with my pie? Yo, Captain, I'm supposed to be getting some pie.
I know the reasons you don't trust me.
But we'll work well together once Captain Pendleton's removed and you replace him.
When you're the lead sled dog.
Jack, you're pardoned.
Hell no.
It's 30 below, I-I'm too drunk to drive, and I'm not leaving till I get some motherfucking pie.
[LINE RINGING.]
OPERATOR: You've reached the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Anchorage Field Office.
If this is an emergency, please use our directory to contact a field agent directly.
[CRACKS NECK.]
We're sorry, but there is no agent that matches the information provided.
Our hours are Monday through Friday, 7:00 a.
m I'll go see.
Yuka.
I'll go with you.
What the actual fuck? [CHUCKLES.]
: What the actual what? Did you see that?! - Get those guns off me.
- Yuka? - Yuka, did you not see that? - JACK: I saw something.
Right? Yeah, he looked like a fucking snail.
He had antennae coming out his h-head.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Yuka, you're awfully quiet.
- What do you believe? - PENDLETON: She saw it.
She saw it.
We all saw it.
She may not be saying anything, but she saw it! No one saw anything because that's insane.
It's probably shadows from your flashlights or something.
Antennae? [CHUCKLES.]
You two are tripping on cheese log.
Take off the hat.
Now, I've been nothing but nice to you.
Nothing but nice.
So, you need to consider if it's worth the irreversible remorse to further address me with such rude intentions.
Especially when I know things about you, Captain Pendleton.
All you need to know is I got you locked up in my jail.
And to be exact, this jail is officially considered Alaska State Trooper Post 151.
What's the primary purpose of Post 151? To serve the public good.
By the support and protection of an acknowledged temporary vulnerability outside of the Cheney Air Force Listening Installation.
It's the point at which the Air Force facilities' power grid connects and is shared with the town of Iglaak's - older existing grid.
- PENDLETON: Okay.
That's enough.
There's a camouflage shed somewhere nearby that houses the connection point between the Air Force base and the town's power grid.
He's experiencing a mental breakdown of some kind.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
So, if a hostile force were to invade, they'd just have to destroy - that one shed? - PENDLETON: That location is classified information.
Classified is actually the most lucrative type of information.
Isn't it, Captain Lane Pendleton? Oh.
That's right, she doesn't know.
[CHUCKLES.]
Captain Pendleton has sold the information to our neighbors across the Chukchi Sea.
The Russians.
Nothing you've said has been the truth.
Oh, you want the truth? Oh, you can't handle the truth.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm sure anyone can understand the captain's motivation - for such corruption.
- PENDLETON: There is no motivation 'cause there has been no corruption.
20 years as the big cheese in Iglaak, Alaska.
It's not a location, nor is Alaska State Trooper an occupation, where anyone can make any real money or actually make any real impact on the world.
You shut your mouth.
Especially someone like you, Lane Pendleton, would have made a great impact.
You shut your mouth.
The best impact.
I'm gonna put a hole in this insect.
But you gave up on that idea.
You gave up on yourself, you just gave up.
I never gave up on anything.
I'm Agent Marius Constant from the National Reconnaissance Office.
Captain will save a lot of money and headache and maybe lives if he just confesses that he told the Russians about the location of the shed.
He's lying! At this very minute, Russian Spetsnaz forces are on their way to sabotage what I know is the location of the shed.
Thing is, my people are going to intercept them.
I'm going there right now, to warn the Americans or the Russians.
He stays here.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR SLAMS.]
Mm.
[EXHALES, CHUCKLES.]
I thought he'd never leave.
Now we can talk.
So, I'm just trying to prove to everybody here what you've known for all these years, that he doesn't care about this area, this land, or your people.
That he's a liar.
[LOCK CLICKS.]
[CREAKING.]
[PANTING.]
See, I told you I knew what you wanted for Christmas.
So this is my gift to you.
Soon, you're gonna be the one giving the orders around here.
Don't be afraid of me, Yuka.
I mean, you don't know this and how would you know but you and I are a lot alike.
We have a lot of bosses above us.
There's always a bigger boss to be in awe of or afraid of.
But you and I, we're worker ants who get the job done.
Today I will.
You won't.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
But you know what? I'll keep my promise, though.
I'll put in a good word.
You'll be running this place.
But working for us.
Captain Pendleton, this is Post.
10-19.
Return to base.
10-39.
Urgent.
10-39.
Urgent.
Pendleton, can you hear me? [STATIC.]
Our intelligence indicated that you would be vulnerable to attack, somewhere in this vicinity, on this day.
So, in order to ensure the success of the invasion, Pendleton needed to lead us to the power source of the Air Force early discrimination system in order to remove it.
And you let Pendleton go.
Is it because maybe you thought it'd get rid of him or give you his job or both? You'll never have to worry about Captain Pendleton again.
Or, uh, Christmas, for that matter.
[CHUCKLES.]
What's with the gun, Yuka? I mean, why do you want to kill me? You knew what I was.
I did nothing but lie to you.
Only, once I said something that might benefit you, you chose to ignore it.
See, that's not a lie.
You willingly accepted the lie.
That's worse.
Now it's too late.
[PANTING.]
No.
It's not too late.
Just arrived at the mesosphere.
Captain Pendleton, respond! Do not go to the shed! All units respond.
Does anyone have a 20 on Captain Pendleton? Captain Pendleton, this is Post.
10-19.
Repeat, 10-19.
Do not go to the shed.
Ah, fuck! Hey, bro.
You know, if you could, uh, you know, like, use your magic and open my cell, too Whoa.
That's a cool trick, man.
Thanks.
[INDISTINCT ARGUING.]
Arch! - [HORN HONKING.]
- Arch! Any 20 on Captain Pendleton? Yeah.
A while ago, I saw him going south on Nixon, but, just now, he tore off toward County Highway.
- No! Get off me! - Break it up, ladies! - Break it up! - Get the fuck off me! Get off! [HOWLING IN DISTANCE.]
Captain Pendleton! Captain Pendleton! Step away from the structure with your hands raised above your head.
You brought a Remington shotgun to a Russian invasion? [EXHALES, SNIFFS.]
Put the gun down, Sergeant.
He lied about that, too.
Lane Pendleton, you're under arrest.
[CHUCKLING.]
[SNIFFS.]
Oh, really, Yuka? Out here? Now? You're here.
So the Traveler wasn't lying about what you did.
You came to meet your Russian contacts to tip them off.
[SHOTGUN PUMPS.]
Well, maybe, uh it'll be better with you guys running things.
[HEART BEATING.]
Oh.
Let me guess.
You're getting my job.
Is that what he told you? Yeah.
Yeah, see it's only a lie if we choose to believe it.
[DISTANT BOOMING.]
Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, dong-dong Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding Santa - Won't you hurry - Mmm.
That's pretty good.
Definitely worth the wait.
We've been waiting all year long for You and your reindeer in the sky NARRATOR: The most dangerous lies come in the form of beautifully wrapped gifts.
On this evening, Sergeant Yuka discovered that there's no difference between myth and mistruth.
She unwrapped her fateful present far too late on this dark and silent night in The Twilight Zone.
Hurry, Santa!