The Two Ronnies (1971) s05e01 Episode Script
Series 5, Episode 1
(Applause) Hello, and it's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.
In a packed programme tonight, a well-known patriotic gambler will tell us why he's backing Britain.
He's getting 2,000-1 against.
And we'll be talking to a breeder who crossed a dog with a hen and got a poodle that cocks its own doodle.
And later, a Scottish vicar will be telling all children to say their prayers at night.
Because you can send messages at the cheap rate after six o'clock.
Then a very lovely Physical Education mistress will do a novelty dance, covered only in blackboard chalk.
But the novelty soon wears off.
And in our new series Medical Hints By Well-Known Actresses, tonight your very own Googie Withers - and what to do if it does.
Catholic missionaries in Matabeleland Land are reporting progress with a tribe of cannibals.
They're not completely cured, but they are improving.
0n Fridays, they eat only fishermen.
And Sir Hartley Chintz, the famous upholstery expert, who yesterday fell into a fabric loom, is said to be almost completely recovered.
Tremendous results have been achieved by a team of British scientists who made ten laboratory rats smoke 20 cigarettes a day for a year.
For this, the team has been awarded the Nobel prize and the rats have got a colour telly with the coupons.
And now, tomorrow's weather.
The sun will be killing 'em in Gillingham.
It'll be choking in Woking.
Dry in Rye and cool in Goole.
And if you living in Lissingdown, take an umbrella.
(Applause) But now a sketch which is set in Frankenstein's castle, in which I take the very important part of the monster.
And I make him put it back.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Dr De-ath? - Death.
- Death? - Yes, Death.
Don't worry, don't worry.
It's alll right.
0ld family name.
There's been Deaths in Ruislip Gardens since time immemorial.
My name is Billet and I've strained my knee.
- I thought I'd register as a patient.
- Really? As a patient? Good heavens! You're a doctor, so I thought I'd register as a patient.
Well, now, I'll try and fit you in, Mr Body.
- Mr Billet.
- Billet? Did I say Corpse? I'm sorry.
Just a slip of the scalpel.
I'm an awfully popular man.
I'll try and fit you in, but a lot of people are trying to get into my practice.
I'll just go over the admissions file here.
0h.
0h, dear.
- Has he been having a nibble? - If he has, he's gone a bit too far.
I will file him under M here.
That's it.
Now let's have a look at the medical cards, there must be something here.
Let's have a look.
Ah, yes.
- That's it.
- Name dropper.
Name dropper! I'll just make a note of that - name dropper.
- Can I be treated me for it? - 0h, you'll be treated, yes.
You'll have that dropper three times a day in your ear.
Now then, we've got Who've we got here? 0h, it's old James Thomkins.
You can have his card.
- Won't he be needing it? - Not any more, no, no.
0h, dear.
Why? Has he passed away? 0h, yes, absolutely dead as a doornail.
He was perfectly all right one minute, the next minute, crash, bang, wallop.
- What happened to him? - He fell down a laundry chute.
Still, we all have to go somehow, don't we? Now then, tell me a little bit about yourself while I feed the goldfish.
I'm an animal lover, you know.
I've got great healing in my hands.
Tell me, when were you born and what do you enjoy and how often? This is going to take a long time because part of the problem is, my father was a tea planter and I I didn't I went to Is he asleep, or? Fainted? 0r having us on? I think he's drowned, you know.
He won't go, look.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll give him to the cat.
I know that's what he would have wanted.
Come on, Tiddles.
Tiddles! Tiddles? Wake up, Tiddles.
Does the cat always sleep on its back with its legs straight up in the air? Well, it has done for the past three weeks, yes.
I'll just file it with the mouse here.
I'll tell you what, now you're here, I might as well show you round.
All this boring old paperwork.
0ver there are the medical histories.
Here, we have the doctors' certificates and here, we have the death certificates.
(Phone rings) Ah.
I'm sorry.
Hello! Death speaking.
Hello, Mrs Murgatroid.
How nice to hear from you.
Yes.
How's your husband.
0h, dear, I'm sorry to hear that.
When is the funeral? - Would you like some fudge? - No, thank you.
I first thought it was fudge poisoning food poisoning.
But it turned out to be tennis elbow? Yes.
No, it's not usually fatal, no it isn't, no.
I'd love to come, but I'm afraid I've got another function on the same afternoon.
Yes, at the same cemetery, funnily enough.
0ld Mr Grundy, you know.
Yes, in-growing toenail.
Well, there were complications, you see, yes.
He died, that was one of the complications.
I tell you what, why don't we combine it and have a do together and have a bit of fun? I could dig up a couple of friends and bring them along.
Well, look, I'm sorry to hear about your old man.
Second husband too, wasn't he? What? 0h, third husband, was he? 0h, my congratulations.
I didn't know you'd married again.
- Hello? She's rung off.
- Good heavens, I must be going! - Is that the time? - No, that's the barometer.
In that case, it's high pressure I was going.
No, no, no.
Come back here, Mr Billet.
Plenty of time to kill.
Few more details now.
- Are you single or buried? - I'm buried.
Married! Married.
My wife's expecting a baby.
I must go.
0h, your wife.
I'm a widower myself.
I thought you would be.
- I've been a widower for years - (Clock dongs and cuckoos) Good old cuckoo, dead on time, as usual.
It's only 12:30, you see Wahhh! I tell a lie, it's one o'clock.
He always goes to lunch at one o'clock.
- I'll see soon, Doctor.
- You will.
That's the broom cupboard.
- That's for filing.
- What's the matter with that? What's the matter with everything you touch? I'm not coming to you.
I'll see myself out.
No need to come down.
No, I won't.
That's the laundry chute.
Miss Fossdyke, any more patients? Miss Fossdyke? Miss Fossdyke? Now many of you here tonight will know that Cain and Abel and Hampstead Heath are Cockney rhyming slang.
Cain and Abel means table and Hampstead Heath means teeth.
We are glad to welcome a large group of Cockney worshippers to evensong, And it is to them that I wish to address my sermon.
I want to tell you a story.
A long time ago, in the days of the Israelites, there lived a poor man.
He had no trouble and strife.
She had run off with a tea leaf some years before.
And he now lived with his eldest bricks and mortar, Mary.
And being very short of bees and honey, unable to pay the Burton-on-Trent, he was tempted to go forth into the Bristol City, and see what he could half-inch.
He would say to Mary, his bricks and mortar, I will take a ball of chalk into town and buy some tobacco for my cherry ripe.
And he would put on his arm and rocks and his dicky dirt, and his round the houses, then set off down the frog and toad until he reached the outskirts of the Bristol.
Then people would stare at him, for his dicky dirt was torn.
His how-do-you-dos were full of holes.
And his coat was very Westminster Abbey.
He was also somewhat unclean, being too poor to purchase any Cape of Good Hope.
His bushel and peck was extremely two-thirty.
And people passed by on the other side to avoid the pen and ink.
He was truly an ugly man.
His north and south drooped, his mince pies were watery, and he had a big, red I suppose.
0ne day, his bricks and mortar gave him some money saying, "Here is a saucepan lid.
Go and buy food.
A loaf of Uncle Fred "and a pound of stand at ease.
"But do not tarry in the town and bring me back what is left of the money "to buy myself some new underwear.
"I need a new pair of early doors.
"For my present ones are full of holes "and I am in a continual George Raft.
" But instead of returning with the bees and honey for his bricks and mortar's early doors, he made his way to the rub-a-dub for tumble down the sink and indulged himself freely on the bottle.
And he became very elephant's trunk and Mozart.
And when the landlord of the rub-a-dub called birdlime, the man set off back towards his cat and mouse, reeling about all over the frog and toad and drunkenly humming a stewed prune.
And it came to Khyber Pass that as he staggered along, he saw on the pavement, a small brown Richard III.
And he stared at it, lying there at his plates of meat.
Then he said, "0h, small, brown Richard III, "how lucky I did not step on you.
" Then he picked it up and he put it on top of a wall, where no-one could step on it.
And a rich four-by-two-ish merchant who witnessed the dead, put his hand into his sky rocket, and took out a Lady Godiva and handed it to the man saying, "I saw you pick up that Richard III and remove it from the pavement.
"That was a kindly act.
Take this Lady Godiva for your froth and bubble.
" The man took it and went on his way.
And the Richard III flew back to its nest.
Now, when the man arrived home, his daughter was sitting by the Jeremiah on her favourite Lionel Blair.
Then she rose angrily and said, "0nce again, you come home elephant's trunk and Mozart "and have spent all the money I gave you.
"Now I cannot have my new pair of early doors.
"Neither can I have wine, as you do.
" And the man said, "Fear not, here is a Lady Godiva, "which I earned by a kindly act.
" And the woman was overjoyed and said, "Thank you, Father.
"Now I can have my pair of early doors.
"Verily, that kindly act has ensured that I have more than enough "to cover my bottle and glass.
" I thank you all.
London, 1898.
This story starts on the night of Tuesday October 3rd.
(Horse's hooves) (Knocks at door) Good evening, sir.
May I assist you? Yes.
Is the Prime Minister in? He is, sir, but he doesn't see anybody without an appointment.
Except Miss Maureen Boddie.
In that case, please do give him my card.
Why has it no name upon it, sir? Modesty forbids it.
But it has no address either, sir.
I'm never at home.
Is there a message I may give to the Prime Minister, sir? Yes.
Tell him this (Blows raspberry) 0hh! 0oh, help! I've never been so 0hh! Read all about it! Read all about it! Strange fiendish attack on Prime Minister's butler! Police at bedside! Cor, strewth, strike a light! Gawd bless ya, guv! Read all about it! Strange fiendish attack on Prime Minister's butler! Police at bedside! Get back into bed, Mr Parsons, and I'll come and give you one.
Good evening.
I am Corner of the Yard.
What does that mean? He is Inspector Corner of Scotland Yard and I am Sergeant Bowles.
- How do you do? - How do you do, sir? (Man) That's my leg! I wish to interview Mr Butler the butler.
Yes, of course.
You can come in now, Inspector, but you must be quiet.
- Pardon? - (Shouts) You must be quiet! (Clatter) - How long will you be? - Just a little while.
Very well.
But not a minute longer.
Good evening, sir.
I am Corner of Scotland.
- Yard.
- Yard.
And I am Sergeant Bowles.
We are hoping you are going to be able to help us with our inquiries.
- That's all for tonight, Inspector.
- Very well.
I'll come back tomorrow.
0h.
Not too long now.
He's still very weak.
I realise I am pressing you, Nurse, but it must be obvious that I have very little alternative.
I didn't even notice.
- Now, did you see the man's face? - No, no.
It was very dark.
A dark face? I see.
But it wasn't his face.
Then whose face was it? It was the noise.
0h! Could you give us a rough idea of this noise? 0h, no, I couldn't.
No, no.
0h, no, no, no.
0h, disgraceful! You must try.
This noise might be the breakthrough we're looking for.
0h, very well.
Nurse the screens.
(Corner) Now, sir, think hard.
What was this noise? It It sounded like - He went - Yes, yes, yes.
He went what? He went He went (Blows raspberry) 0h, oh, my wife! The disgrace! I didn't quite get that, sir.
He said he went How do you spell it, sir? Never mind the spelling, just put Very good, sir.
(Blows raspberry) 0hh! (Raspberry blowing continues) (Evil laughter) But what is the point of such an attack? Apart from the shock.
It's pointless.
He must be a madman.
I know this sort of criminal well, Bowles.
Lifetime of frustration, one desperate act, after that, nothing.
Do you think he's blown himself out, sir? Possibly.
I don't think we'll hear from this attacker again.
We seem to be taking a devil of a long time to reach the Embankment.
I didn't realise this road was so long.
It has to be, sir.
0therwise it wouldn't reach.
I see your point.
Cabby, are we on the right road? Don't worry, sir.
Just put yourself in my hands.
- I'll look after you.
- I'm sure you will.
British cabbies, the salt of the earth.
(Blows raspberry) Thank you, sir.
(Clap of thunder) Inside that dim, hansom cab, the dim, handsome face of Inspector Corner of the Yard looked dim and handsome in the dim light of the hansom cab's dim light.
Was the wind of change about to blow through the land? Had he trodden in more than he could chew? Little did he realise, the world was to hear more from the Phantom Raspberry Blower of old London Town.
Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dickson.
# Try to see it my way # Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on? # Why d'you see it your way # Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone # 0h, we can work it out # We can work it out # Think of what you're saying # You can get it wrong and still you think that it's all right # Think of what I'm saying # We can work it out and get it straight and say good night # 0h, we can work it out # We can work it out # Life is very short # And there's no time # For fussing and fighting, my friend # I have always thought # That it's a crime # So I will ask you once again # Try to see it my way # 0nly time will tell if I am right or I am wrong # Why d'you see it your way # There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long # 0h, we can work it out # We can work it out # Life is very short # And there's no time # For fussing and fighting, my friend # I have always thought # That it's a cri-ime # So I will ask you once again # Try to see it my way # 0nly time will tell if I am right or I am wrong # Why d'you see it your way # There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long # 0h, we can work can work it out # We can work it out # Try to see it my way # (Applause) Now here is the late news.
Mr Horace Whipsley, the world's most superstitious motorist - who has a lucky horseshoe dangling in his rear window, a sprig of heather on the wipers, a St Christopher on the dashboard and a rabbit's foot in the glove compartment - was today run over by 13 steamrollers.
In the High Court today, a woman gained a divorce on the grounds that whenever lightning flashed in the night her husband jumped up shouting, "I'll buy the negatives!" It appears that master criminals in this country who specialise in smash and grab have come up with the answer to double glazing - two bricks.
Later in the show, we'll talk to the man who crossed the clock on the Bank of England with the Leaning Tower of Pisa and came up with the time, the money and the inclination.
But now, a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett who only today was presented with an illuminated address by his neighbours.
They set his house on fire.
Where's the food, my dear? We seem to have been waiting an extraordinary amount of time.
This new butler is damned erratic.
Wait for hours, then all the food seems to come at once.
He's damned impudent to boot as well.
0h, do you think so, dear? He's always very polite to me.
He may be to you, but he's damned impudent to me, dear.
Your game, M'Lady.
I say, will you hurry along with my roast pork? There's a good soul.
And make sure it's a nice fatty piece, will you? - See that? Damned well ignoring me.
- Don't make such a fuss.
- He's very efficient.
- Maybe to you, dear.
To me, he's damned impudent.
Your fat, M'Lord.
See what I mean? I shall have to sack him.
Steady on! We've enough servant trouble as it is.
The handyman's about to leave us and the plumbing's in a terrible state.
Reminds me.
I must talk to you about the lavatories, they've all gone all - Your sweet, M'Lady.
- 0h, thank you.
Your nuts, M'Lord.
Cheeky swine! How am I supposed to open these? Your crackers, M'Lord.
That does it, dear.
Staff shortage or no staff shortage, he goes.
Well, you know best, dear.
What were you saying about the lavatories? They're broken, dear.
Up the spout, down the drain.
What? And we've sacked the handyman? How are we going to manage? Your pail, M'Lady.
Your potty, M'Lord.
Good evening.
Actually, I don't know why I said that because I already said "good evening" at the beginning of the show when we did the funny bits.
But it just slipped out, you know.
I just said it.
Two good evenings.
Well, one for the colour sets and one for the black and whites.
What other show gives you all that? But enough of this ad-libbing.
I expect by now, it'll be panic stations in the control box.
Red alert.
That's when they wake up the producer.
And put his teeth in.
And he gets very upset if he wakes up during the show.
0h, no, upsets the whole rhythm of his day.
Tears, tantrums, mascara.
Not a pretty sight.
But I'm not worried.
If I get the sack, I can always go to America.
Let's face it, that's where it's all happening.
Do you know, I was reading a story about an enormous factory in the USA, where there is only one man working.
I know what you're thinking - that we've got enormous factories here where nobody's working.
But this Don't think I won't get letters about that! But But this one is different.
This one has got an end product.
It's completely automated to make torch batteries.
And there's only one employee, an old rabbi, who stands at the end of the conveyor belt and as the batteries go past, he says, "I wish you long life" (Applause and laughter) Actually, I have got a lot of contacts in America through my wife's family, the Dillingers.
Would you believe that her great, great grandfather - that would be on her mother's side, you know, looking from the front - he remembers landing in America and he met some Indians.
He gave them a string of beads and they gave him half a buffalo, Manhattan Island and two tickets for the first Frank Sinatra farewell concert.
But seriously, it is good to be back in the old chair again, even though it is getting a bit tattered and torn.
Actually, I sent a note asking for a new chair to the controller of BBC.
He's a bit of a mystery man, you know.
The Howard Hughes of television.
Some say he's been dead since 1946.
0thers say he's the fourth from the left on the Black And White Minstrel Show.
I personally only believe half of it.
He is half-dead and is second from the left As you can see, as you can see, I didn't get a new chair.
All I got was this memo.
Would you believe it? "Fail to understand why you're asking for a new chair.
"Has that Angela Rippon been stirring it again?" Actually, I did show this to Angela Rippon and she simply said, what she says to everybody, "Give us a kiss and I'll buy you a Guinness.
" When I can't get to sleep, I always tell myself old jokes, sort of bore myself to sleep.
And this is the one that did the trick last night.
So it's worth knowing, as long as you don't become addicted.
Here it is.
It concerns a young parlour maid.
Rather a posh start, isn't it? A parlour maid, who goes to see her mistress one day.
She says, "Faith and begorrah Madam, "I'll be leaving you and going home at the end of the week an' all, an' all.
" I think she was Irish.
You can never tell with me! Could be from anywhere.
Anyway.
Her mistress said, "Bridget, you can't leave us after all these years.
"Wherever would we find someone like you, dear, "so cheerful, hardworking and cheap?" So the maid said, "It is like this, I'm going to have a baby "and who is going to care for my father's little child an' all, an' all?" I like that bit, an' all, an' all.
Feels very comfortable.
Then the lady of the house said, "That's simple," she said, "the master and I will adopt the baby.
Your troubles are over.
"Now go and get stuck into the ironing," or words to that effect.
A year goes by and along comes Bridget again.
"Madam, I'll be leaving you at the end of the week "because I'm going to have another baby an' all, an' all, an' all.
" There are one or two dozing off in the front already.
There we are.
Her mistress says, "0h, dear, we shall have to come to the same arrangement, "as we did with the other one.
" This happens every year until about the tenth year.
Bridget says, "Madam, I'm afraid I've got bad news for you.
" "I am definitely leaving an' all, an' all, an' all.
"And don't ask if I'm in the family way because I'm not.
"I found out what was causing it.
" The mistress says, (Irish) "Why are you?" Sorry, got them mixed up - The mistress says (Laughter) She said, (Posh) "Then why are you leaving?" Fantastic difference, isn't it? She says, "Why are you leaving? I thought you were happy working for me.
" Bridget said, "I was, but that was before you had all those bloody kids.
" (Applause) (Bongo drums) (Applause) # It was very long ago # The Blackfeet and the Navajo # When the white man took our buffalo # And gave us reservations # We have our reservations # A hundred years have now gone by # And so my little friend and I # To live in Britain we will try # But we have our reservations # We have our reservations # We told when we come do not fall foul # 0f big, white medicine man # Called Enoch Totem-Powell # We go to restaurant quite dear hear Chinaman say in Negro's ear # We don't serve coloured people here then we have our reservations # We have our reservations # A big, white bird flew across the sea # And brought us here to the land of the free # Now the big white bird is living with me # She's an air hostess from Hounslow # I met a painted English maid # With a bow wow down in Soho # I paid L10 and she asked me round for a powwow and some cocoa # I thought my luck was in that night # But I was done, I know so # For the yo-ho-ho was a no-no-no # And the bow wow drank my cocoa # (Applause) (Both) How! Me Hiawatha, him Lowerwatha.
No, me Chief Little Bighorn.
Him Big Chief Littlehorn.
Don't um be personal.
You talk too much.
- You eat too much.
- You heap big big mouth.
You heap big big heap.
Ah, we no quarrel, we blood brothers.
We blood brothers, I swear it.
We yell across the prairie the yell of the blood.
Blood yell! Blood yell! Blood yell! - We have sworn.
- I think so.
- Now we tell the story of Hiawatha.
- Written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
- 0r in his case, Shortfellow.
- And in your case, Fatfellow.
By the shores of Gitchee Gumee Far across the shining water Lived a mighty Blackfoot warrior Lived a mighty warrior chieftain Bold in battle, strong in valour By the name of Des 0'Connor Nearby stood a modest wigwam - Worn and dirty was its outside - Plain and bare its shabby inside No TV or running water Well, if Hiawatha's sweetheart Daughter to old Minnie Ha Ha Laughing maiden Mini Cooper Tall she was and brown as berries And her limbs were straight and sturdy And her clothing strained and jutted Like a bag of ripe tomatoes Muscular and strong was Minnie Minnie Cooper, splashing water Like her brother Henry Cooper Big Chief splash it on all over Laughing Minnie came to England For to seek her Hiawatha Many moons since he had left her Many moons since he had kissed her 0n the mountains of the sunrise And in other pleasant places So she journey 'cross the water Sailed across the shining water To the sprawling mighty river To the Thames in all its glory Parked her wigwam down at Putney In the High Street, near the Co-op Many moons traversed the heavens Many suns did light the water 'Ere her lover Hiawatha Found her in the Putney High Street Crouched inside her gleaming tepee Crouched behind her brand-new TV She'd become the proud possessor 0f a colour 23-inch Come oh, Minnie, Laughing Water Come with me to Gitchee Gumee We'll return across the ocean "Not tonight," she said, "it's Kojak" World 0f Sport and Upstairs Downstairs The Survivors and The Brothers - 0n The Buses - Up The Workers - Porridge - MASH And Fanny Craddock Now the realms of colour telly Have enveloped me forever Now I make my monthly payments To the land of Never-Never Farewell, land of plains and prairies Farewell, land of silver birches So, farewell, my Hiawatha From now on it's hire purchase (Applause) # Hear now when we speak of an evening quite unique # When the world and his wife turned up last week # At the Redskins annual dinner # People just like me or you, red and white and black and blue # All different shapes and sizes too at the Redskins annual do # At the Redskins annual do # There were Redskins, white-skins, loose-skins, tight-skins # Skins with freckles, skins with dimples # Dark skins, fair skins, deer skins, bear skins # Skins with warts and skins with pimples # Country bumpkins shaped like pumpkins # Some like Zeppelins and some like dumplings # All the world was there at the Redskins annual do # Redskins annual do # Chief Davey Goldstein treated his squaws # To a small lemonade and 14 straws # And the cowboys left their cattle in the hall # And a heap good time was had by all # There were poor knees, black feet, sore knees, flat feet # Peace pipes burning, bagpipes churning # Navajos, 'ave-a-go's, some of these and some of those # Sioux, Zacharonimos, Big Chief Runny Nose # Many other big chiefs dressed in fig leaves # Some with small leaves # Some with big leaves # All were there on view # At the redskins annual do # At the redskins annual do # All kinds of food and drink were there # Served by maidens dark and fair # Apart from the fact that you didn't have to pay # It was just like an Indian takeaway (Laughter) # There was stewed plum, stewed pear, junket, grizzly bear # Toad-in-the-hole and frogs in the underwear # Roast ham, boiled ham, cold ham, fig jam # Chicken in a basket served in a wigwam # Boiled canary # Queen of the prairie # Served by fairy # Big and hairy # All eaten wonderful at the Redskins annual do # All eaten wonderful at the Redskins annual do # (Applause) Well, that's all for this week.
Next week, we talk to a male ballet dancer who crossed a truss with a Polo mint and got a Nutcracker Suite.
And to a Hokey Cokey champion who has just been disqualified for putting it in when he should've been shaking it all about.
But until then, it's good night from me.
And it's good night from him.
Good night.
In a packed programme tonight, a well-known patriotic gambler will tell us why he's backing Britain.
He's getting 2,000-1 against.
And we'll be talking to a breeder who crossed a dog with a hen and got a poodle that cocks its own doodle.
And later, a Scottish vicar will be telling all children to say their prayers at night.
Because you can send messages at the cheap rate after six o'clock.
Then a very lovely Physical Education mistress will do a novelty dance, covered only in blackboard chalk.
But the novelty soon wears off.
And in our new series Medical Hints By Well-Known Actresses, tonight your very own Googie Withers - and what to do if it does.
Catholic missionaries in Matabeleland Land are reporting progress with a tribe of cannibals.
They're not completely cured, but they are improving.
0n Fridays, they eat only fishermen.
And Sir Hartley Chintz, the famous upholstery expert, who yesterday fell into a fabric loom, is said to be almost completely recovered.
Tremendous results have been achieved by a team of British scientists who made ten laboratory rats smoke 20 cigarettes a day for a year.
For this, the team has been awarded the Nobel prize and the rats have got a colour telly with the coupons.
And now, tomorrow's weather.
The sun will be killing 'em in Gillingham.
It'll be choking in Woking.
Dry in Rye and cool in Goole.
And if you living in Lissingdown, take an umbrella.
(Applause) But now a sketch which is set in Frankenstein's castle, in which I take the very important part of the monster.
And I make him put it back.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Dr De-ath? - Death.
- Death? - Yes, Death.
Don't worry, don't worry.
It's alll right.
0ld family name.
There's been Deaths in Ruislip Gardens since time immemorial.
My name is Billet and I've strained my knee.
- I thought I'd register as a patient.
- Really? As a patient? Good heavens! You're a doctor, so I thought I'd register as a patient.
Well, now, I'll try and fit you in, Mr Body.
- Mr Billet.
- Billet? Did I say Corpse? I'm sorry.
Just a slip of the scalpel.
I'm an awfully popular man.
I'll try and fit you in, but a lot of people are trying to get into my practice.
I'll just go over the admissions file here.
0h.
0h, dear.
- Has he been having a nibble? - If he has, he's gone a bit too far.
I will file him under M here.
That's it.
Now let's have a look at the medical cards, there must be something here.
Let's have a look.
Ah, yes.
- That's it.
- Name dropper.
Name dropper! I'll just make a note of that - name dropper.
- Can I be treated me for it? - 0h, you'll be treated, yes.
You'll have that dropper three times a day in your ear.
Now then, we've got Who've we got here? 0h, it's old James Thomkins.
You can have his card.
- Won't he be needing it? - Not any more, no, no.
0h, dear.
Why? Has he passed away? 0h, yes, absolutely dead as a doornail.
He was perfectly all right one minute, the next minute, crash, bang, wallop.
- What happened to him? - He fell down a laundry chute.
Still, we all have to go somehow, don't we? Now then, tell me a little bit about yourself while I feed the goldfish.
I'm an animal lover, you know.
I've got great healing in my hands.
Tell me, when were you born and what do you enjoy and how often? This is going to take a long time because part of the problem is, my father was a tea planter and I I didn't I went to Is he asleep, or? Fainted? 0r having us on? I think he's drowned, you know.
He won't go, look.
I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll give him to the cat.
I know that's what he would have wanted.
Come on, Tiddles.
Tiddles! Tiddles? Wake up, Tiddles.
Does the cat always sleep on its back with its legs straight up in the air? Well, it has done for the past three weeks, yes.
I'll just file it with the mouse here.
I'll tell you what, now you're here, I might as well show you round.
All this boring old paperwork.
0ver there are the medical histories.
Here, we have the doctors' certificates and here, we have the death certificates.
(Phone rings) Ah.
I'm sorry.
Hello! Death speaking.
Hello, Mrs Murgatroid.
How nice to hear from you.
Yes.
How's your husband.
0h, dear, I'm sorry to hear that.
When is the funeral? - Would you like some fudge? - No, thank you.
I first thought it was fudge poisoning food poisoning.
But it turned out to be tennis elbow? Yes.
No, it's not usually fatal, no it isn't, no.
I'd love to come, but I'm afraid I've got another function on the same afternoon.
Yes, at the same cemetery, funnily enough.
0ld Mr Grundy, you know.
Yes, in-growing toenail.
Well, there were complications, you see, yes.
He died, that was one of the complications.
I tell you what, why don't we combine it and have a do together and have a bit of fun? I could dig up a couple of friends and bring them along.
Well, look, I'm sorry to hear about your old man.
Second husband too, wasn't he? What? 0h, third husband, was he? 0h, my congratulations.
I didn't know you'd married again.
- Hello? She's rung off.
- Good heavens, I must be going! - Is that the time? - No, that's the barometer.
In that case, it's high pressure I was going.
No, no, no.
Come back here, Mr Billet.
Plenty of time to kill.
Few more details now.
- Are you single or buried? - I'm buried.
Married! Married.
My wife's expecting a baby.
I must go.
0h, your wife.
I'm a widower myself.
I thought you would be.
- I've been a widower for years - (Clock dongs and cuckoos) Good old cuckoo, dead on time, as usual.
It's only 12:30, you see Wahhh! I tell a lie, it's one o'clock.
He always goes to lunch at one o'clock.
- I'll see soon, Doctor.
- You will.
That's the broom cupboard.
- That's for filing.
- What's the matter with that? What's the matter with everything you touch? I'm not coming to you.
I'll see myself out.
No need to come down.
No, I won't.
That's the laundry chute.
Miss Fossdyke, any more patients? Miss Fossdyke? Miss Fossdyke? Now many of you here tonight will know that Cain and Abel and Hampstead Heath are Cockney rhyming slang.
Cain and Abel means table and Hampstead Heath means teeth.
We are glad to welcome a large group of Cockney worshippers to evensong, And it is to them that I wish to address my sermon.
I want to tell you a story.
A long time ago, in the days of the Israelites, there lived a poor man.
He had no trouble and strife.
She had run off with a tea leaf some years before.
And he now lived with his eldest bricks and mortar, Mary.
And being very short of bees and honey, unable to pay the Burton-on-Trent, he was tempted to go forth into the Bristol City, and see what he could half-inch.
He would say to Mary, his bricks and mortar, I will take a ball of chalk into town and buy some tobacco for my cherry ripe.
And he would put on his arm and rocks and his dicky dirt, and his round the houses, then set off down the frog and toad until he reached the outskirts of the Bristol.
Then people would stare at him, for his dicky dirt was torn.
His how-do-you-dos were full of holes.
And his coat was very Westminster Abbey.
He was also somewhat unclean, being too poor to purchase any Cape of Good Hope.
His bushel and peck was extremely two-thirty.
And people passed by on the other side to avoid the pen and ink.
He was truly an ugly man.
His north and south drooped, his mince pies were watery, and he had a big, red I suppose.
0ne day, his bricks and mortar gave him some money saying, "Here is a saucepan lid.
Go and buy food.
A loaf of Uncle Fred "and a pound of stand at ease.
"But do not tarry in the town and bring me back what is left of the money "to buy myself some new underwear.
"I need a new pair of early doors.
"For my present ones are full of holes "and I am in a continual George Raft.
" But instead of returning with the bees and honey for his bricks and mortar's early doors, he made his way to the rub-a-dub for tumble down the sink and indulged himself freely on the bottle.
And he became very elephant's trunk and Mozart.
And when the landlord of the rub-a-dub called birdlime, the man set off back towards his cat and mouse, reeling about all over the frog and toad and drunkenly humming a stewed prune.
And it came to Khyber Pass that as he staggered along, he saw on the pavement, a small brown Richard III.
And he stared at it, lying there at his plates of meat.
Then he said, "0h, small, brown Richard III, "how lucky I did not step on you.
" Then he picked it up and he put it on top of a wall, where no-one could step on it.
And a rich four-by-two-ish merchant who witnessed the dead, put his hand into his sky rocket, and took out a Lady Godiva and handed it to the man saying, "I saw you pick up that Richard III and remove it from the pavement.
"That was a kindly act.
Take this Lady Godiva for your froth and bubble.
" The man took it and went on his way.
And the Richard III flew back to its nest.
Now, when the man arrived home, his daughter was sitting by the Jeremiah on her favourite Lionel Blair.
Then she rose angrily and said, "0nce again, you come home elephant's trunk and Mozart "and have spent all the money I gave you.
"Now I cannot have my new pair of early doors.
"Neither can I have wine, as you do.
" And the man said, "Fear not, here is a Lady Godiva, "which I earned by a kindly act.
" And the woman was overjoyed and said, "Thank you, Father.
"Now I can have my pair of early doors.
"Verily, that kindly act has ensured that I have more than enough "to cover my bottle and glass.
" I thank you all.
London, 1898.
This story starts on the night of Tuesday October 3rd.
(Horse's hooves) (Knocks at door) Good evening, sir.
May I assist you? Yes.
Is the Prime Minister in? He is, sir, but he doesn't see anybody without an appointment.
Except Miss Maureen Boddie.
In that case, please do give him my card.
Why has it no name upon it, sir? Modesty forbids it.
But it has no address either, sir.
I'm never at home.
Is there a message I may give to the Prime Minister, sir? Yes.
Tell him this (Blows raspberry) 0hh! 0oh, help! I've never been so 0hh! Read all about it! Read all about it! Strange fiendish attack on Prime Minister's butler! Police at bedside! Cor, strewth, strike a light! Gawd bless ya, guv! Read all about it! Strange fiendish attack on Prime Minister's butler! Police at bedside! Get back into bed, Mr Parsons, and I'll come and give you one.
Good evening.
I am Corner of the Yard.
What does that mean? He is Inspector Corner of Scotland Yard and I am Sergeant Bowles.
- How do you do? - How do you do, sir? (Man) That's my leg! I wish to interview Mr Butler the butler.
Yes, of course.
You can come in now, Inspector, but you must be quiet.
- Pardon? - (Shouts) You must be quiet! (Clatter) - How long will you be? - Just a little while.
Very well.
But not a minute longer.
Good evening, sir.
I am Corner of Scotland.
- Yard.
- Yard.
And I am Sergeant Bowles.
We are hoping you are going to be able to help us with our inquiries.
- That's all for tonight, Inspector.
- Very well.
I'll come back tomorrow.
0h.
Not too long now.
He's still very weak.
I realise I am pressing you, Nurse, but it must be obvious that I have very little alternative.
I didn't even notice.
- Now, did you see the man's face? - No, no.
It was very dark.
A dark face? I see.
But it wasn't his face.
Then whose face was it? It was the noise.
0h! Could you give us a rough idea of this noise? 0h, no, I couldn't.
No, no.
0h, no, no, no.
0h, disgraceful! You must try.
This noise might be the breakthrough we're looking for.
0h, very well.
Nurse the screens.
(Corner) Now, sir, think hard.
What was this noise? It It sounded like - He went - Yes, yes, yes.
He went what? He went He went (Blows raspberry) 0h, oh, my wife! The disgrace! I didn't quite get that, sir.
He said he went How do you spell it, sir? Never mind the spelling, just put Very good, sir.
(Blows raspberry) 0hh! (Raspberry blowing continues) (Evil laughter) But what is the point of such an attack? Apart from the shock.
It's pointless.
He must be a madman.
I know this sort of criminal well, Bowles.
Lifetime of frustration, one desperate act, after that, nothing.
Do you think he's blown himself out, sir? Possibly.
I don't think we'll hear from this attacker again.
We seem to be taking a devil of a long time to reach the Embankment.
I didn't realise this road was so long.
It has to be, sir.
0therwise it wouldn't reach.
I see your point.
Cabby, are we on the right road? Don't worry, sir.
Just put yourself in my hands.
- I'll look after you.
- I'm sure you will.
British cabbies, the salt of the earth.
(Blows raspberry) Thank you, sir.
(Clap of thunder) Inside that dim, hansom cab, the dim, handsome face of Inspector Corner of the Yard looked dim and handsome in the dim light of the hansom cab's dim light.
Was the wind of change about to blow through the land? Had he trodden in more than he could chew? Little did he realise, the world was to hear more from the Phantom Raspberry Blower of old London Town.
Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dickson.
# Try to see it my way # Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on? # Why d'you see it your way # Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone # 0h, we can work it out # We can work it out # Think of what you're saying # You can get it wrong and still you think that it's all right # Think of what I'm saying # We can work it out and get it straight and say good night # 0h, we can work it out # We can work it out # Life is very short # And there's no time # For fussing and fighting, my friend # I have always thought # That it's a crime # So I will ask you once again # Try to see it my way # 0nly time will tell if I am right or I am wrong # Why d'you see it your way # There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long # 0h, we can work it out # We can work it out # Life is very short # And there's no time # For fussing and fighting, my friend # I have always thought # That it's a cri-ime # So I will ask you once again # Try to see it my way # 0nly time will tell if I am right or I am wrong # Why d'you see it your way # There's a chance that we might fall apart before too long # 0h, we can work can work it out # We can work it out # Try to see it my way # (Applause) Now here is the late news.
Mr Horace Whipsley, the world's most superstitious motorist - who has a lucky horseshoe dangling in his rear window, a sprig of heather on the wipers, a St Christopher on the dashboard and a rabbit's foot in the glove compartment - was today run over by 13 steamrollers.
In the High Court today, a woman gained a divorce on the grounds that whenever lightning flashed in the night her husband jumped up shouting, "I'll buy the negatives!" It appears that master criminals in this country who specialise in smash and grab have come up with the answer to double glazing - two bricks.
Later in the show, we'll talk to the man who crossed the clock on the Bank of England with the Leaning Tower of Pisa and came up with the time, the money and the inclination.
But now, a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett who only today was presented with an illuminated address by his neighbours.
They set his house on fire.
Where's the food, my dear? We seem to have been waiting an extraordinary amount of time.
This new butler is damned erratic.
Wait for hours, then all the food seems to come at once.
He's damned impudent to boot as well.
0h, do you think so, dear? He's always very polite to me.
He may be to you, but he's damned impudent to me, dear.
Your game, M'Lady.
I say, will you hurry along with my roast pork? There's a good soul.
And make sure it's a nice fatty piece, will you? - See that? Damned well ignoring me.
- Don't make such a fuss.
- He's very efficient.
- Maybe to you, dear.
To me, he's damned impudent.
Your fat, M'Lord.
See what I mean? I shall have to sack him.
Steady on! We've enough servant trouble as it is.
The handyman's about to leave us and the plumbing's in a terrible state.
Reminds me.
I must talk to you about the lavatories, they've all gone all - Your sweet, M'Lady.
- 0h, thank you.
Your nuts, M'Lord.
Cheeky swine! How am I supposed to open these? Your crackers, M'Lord.
That does it, dear.
Staff shortage or no staff shortage, he goes.
Well, you know best, dear.
What were you saying about the lavatories? They're broken, dear.
Up the spout, down the drain.
What? And we've sacked the handyman? How are we going to manage? Your pail, M'Lady.
Your potty, M'Lord.
Good evening.
Actually, I don't know why I said that because I already said "good evening" at the beginning of the show when we did the funny bits.
But it just slipped out, you know.
I just said it.
Two good evenings.
Well, one for the colour sets and one for the black and whites.
What other show gives you all that? But enough of this ad-libbing.
I expect by now, it'll be panic stations in the control box.
Red alert.
That's when they wake up the producer.
And put his teeth in.
And he gets very upset if he wakes up during the show.
0h, no, upsets the whole rhythm of his day.
Tears, tantrums, mascara.
Not a pretty sight.
But I'm not worried.
If I get the sack, I can always go to America.
Let's face it, that's where it's all happening.
Do you know, I was reading a story about an enormous factory in the USA, where there is only one man working.
I know what you're thinking - that we've got enormous factories here where nobody's working.
But this Don't think I won't get letters about that! But But this one is different.
This one has got an end product.
It's completely automated to make torch batteries.
And there's only one employee, an old rabbi, who stands at the end of the conveyor belt and as the batteries go past, he says, "I wish you long life" (Applause and laughter) Actually, I have got a lot of contacts in America through my wife's family, the Dillingers.
Would you believe that her great, great grandfather - that would be on her mother's side, you know, looking from the front - he remembers landing in America and he met some Indians.
He gave them a string of beads and they gave him half a buffalo, Manhattan Island and two tickets for the first Frank Sinatra farewell concert.
But seriously, it is good to be back in the old chair again, even though it is getting a bit tattered and torn.
Actually, I sent a note asking for a new chair to the controller of BBC.
He's a bit of a mystery man, you know.
The Howard Hughes of television.
Some say he's been dead since 1946.
0thers say he's the fourth from the left on the Black And White Minstrel Show.
I personally only believe half of it.
He is half-dead and is second from the left As you can see, as you can see, I didn't get a new chair.
All I got was this memo.
Would you believe it? "Fail to understand why you're asking for a new chair.
"Has that Angela Rippon been stirring it again?" Actually, I did show this to Angela Rippon and she simply said, what she says to everybody, "Give us a kiss and I'll buy you a Guinness.
" When I can't get to sleep, I always tell myself old jokes, sort of bore myself to sleep.
And this is the one that did the trick last night.
So it's worth knowing, as long as you don't become addicted.
Here it is.
It concerns a young parlour maid.
Rather a posh start, isn't it? A parlour maid, who goes to see her mistress one day.
She says, "Faith and begorrah Madam, "I'll be leaving you and going home at the end of the week an' all, an' all.
" I think she was Irish.
You can never tell with me! Could be from anywhere.
Anyway.
Her mistress said, "Bridget, you can't leave us after all these years.
"Wherever would we find someone like you, dear, "so cheerful, hardworking and cheap?" So the maid said, "It is like this, I'm going to have a baby "and who is going to care for my father's little child an' all, an' all?" I like that bit, an' all, an' all.
Feels very comfortable.
Then the lady of the house said, "That's simple," she said, "the master and I will adopt the baby.
Your troubles are over.
"Now go and get stuck into the ironing," or words to that effect.
A year goes by and along comes Bridget again.
"Madam, I'll be leaving you at the end of the week "because I'm going to have another baby an' all, an' all, an' all.
" There are one or two dozing off in the front already.
There we are.
Her mistress says, "0h, dear, we shall have to come to the same arrangement, "as we did with the other one.
" This happens every year until about the tenth year.
Bridget says, "Madam, I'm afraid I've got bad news for you.
" "I am definitely leaving an' all, an' all, an' all.
"And don't ask if I'm in the family way because I'm not.
"I found out what was causing it.
" The mistress says, (Irish) "Why are you?" Sorry, got them mixed up - The mistress says (Laughter) She said, (Posh) "Then why are you leaving?" Fantastic difference, isn't it? She says, "Why are you leaving? I thought you were happy working for me.
" Bridget said, "I was, but that was before you had all those bloody kids.
" (Applause) (Bongo drums) (Applause) # It was very long ago # The Blackfeet and the Navajo # When the white man took our buffalo # And gave us reservations # We have our reservations # A hundred years have now gone by # And so my little friend and I # To live in Britain we will try # But we have our reservations # We have our reservations # We told when we come do not fall foul # 0f big, white medicine man # Called Enoch Totem-Powell # We go to restaurant quite dear hear Chinaman say in Negro's ear # We don't serve coloured people here then we have our reservations # We have our reservations # A big, white bird flew across the sea # And brought us here to the land of the free # Now the big white bird is living with me # She's an air hostess from Hounslow # I met a painted English maid # With a bow wow down in Soho # I paid L10 and she asked me round for a powwow and some cocoa # I thought my luck was in that night # But I was done, I know so # For the yo-ho-ho was a no-no-no # And the bow wow drank my cocoa # (Applause) (Both) How! Me Hiawatha, him Lowerwatha.
No, me Chief Little Bighorn.
Him Big Chief Littlehorn.
Don't um be personal.
You talk too much.
- You eat too much.
- You heap big big mouth.
You heap big big heap.
Ah, we no quarrel, we blood brothers.
We blood brothers, I swear it.
We yell across the prairie the yell of the blood.
Blood yell! Blood yell! Blood yell! - We have sworn.
- I think so.
- Now we tell the story of Hiawatha.
- Written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
- 0r in his case, Shortfellow.
- And in your case, Fatfellow.
By the shores of Gitchee Gumee Far across the shining water Lived a mighty Blackfoot warrior Lived a mighty warrior chieftain Bold in battle, strong in valour By the name of Des 0'Connor Nearby stood a modest wigwam - Worn and dirty was its outside - Plain and bare its shabby inside No TV or running water Well, if Hiawatha's sweetheart Daughter to old Minnie Ha Ha Laughing maiden Mini Cooper Tall she was and brown as berries And her limbs were straight and sturdy And her clothing strained and jutted Like a bag of ripe tomatoes Muscular and strong was Minnie Minnie Cooper, splashing water Like her brother Henry Cooper Big Chief splash it on all over Laughing Minnie came to England For to seek her Hiawatha Many moons since he had left her Many moons since he had kissed her 0n the mountains of the sunrise And in other pleasant places So she journey 'cross the water Sailed across the shining water To the sprawling mighty river To the Thames in all its glory Parked her wigwam down at Putney In the High Street, near the Co-op Many moons traversed the heavens Many suns did light the water 'Ere her lover Hiawatha Found her in the Putney High Street Crouched inside her gleaming tepee Crouched behind her brand-new TV She'd become the proud possessor 0f a colour 23-inch Come oh, Minnie, Laughing Water Come with me to Gitchee Gumee We'll return across the ocean "Not tonight," she said, "it's Kojak" World 0f Sport and Upstairs Downstairs The Survivors and The Brothers - 0n The Buses - Up The Workers - Porridge - MASH And Fanny Craddock Now the realms of colour telly Have enveloped me forever Now I make my monthly payments To the land of Never-Never Farewell, land of plains and prairies Farewell, land of silver birches So, farewell, my Hiawatha From now on it's hire purchase (Applause) # Hear now when we speak of an evening quite unique # When the world and his wife turned up last week # At the Redskins annual dinner # People just like me or you, red and white and black and blue # All different shapes and sizes too at the Redskins annual do # At the Redskins annual do # There were Redskins, white-skins, loose-skins, tight-skins # Skins with freckles, skins with dimples # Dark skins, fair skins, deer skins, bear skins # Skins with warts and skins with pimples # Country bumpkins shaped like pumpkins # Some like Zeppelins and some like dumplings # All the world was there at the Redskins annual do # Redskins annual do # Chief Davey Goldstein treated his squaws # To a small lemonade and 14 straws # And the cowboys left their cattle in the hall # And a heap good time was had by all # There were poor knees, black feet, sore knees, flat feet # Peace pipes burning, bagpipes churning # Navajos, 'ave-a-go's, some of these and some of those # Sioux, Zacharonimos, Big Chief Runny Nose # Many other big chiefs dressed in fig leaves # Some with small leaves # Some with big leaves # All were there on view # At the redskins annual do # At the redskins annual do # All kinds of food and drink were there # Served by maidens dark and fair # Apart from the fact that you didn't have to pay # It was just like an Indian takeaway (Laughter) # There was stewed plum, stewed pear, junket, grizzly bear # Toad-in-the-hole and frogs in the underwear # Roast ham, boiled ham, cold ham, fig jam # Chicken in a basket served in a wigwam # Boiled canary # Queen of the prairie # Served by fairy # Big and hairy # All eaten wonderful at the Redskins annual do # All eaten wonderful at the Redskins annual do # (Applause) Well, that's all for this week.
Next week, we talk to a male ballet dancer who crossed a truss with a Polo mint and got a Nutcracker Suite.
And to a Hokey Cokey champion who has just been disqualified for putting it in when he should've been shaking it all about.
But until then, it's good night from me.
And it's good night from him.
Good night.