The Two Ronnies (1971) s05e08 Episode Script
Series 5, Episode 8
(Applause) Good evening.
It's nice to be with you again.
Isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.
And in a packed programme tonight, we shall be talking by long-distance phone to a Scotsman who found an Australian penny and emigrated.
Then we'll have three contrasting pieces of choral music - sacred songs from St Martin in the Fields, rather less sacred songs from St Christopher in the Woods and some positively revolting songs from St Vitus in the Long Grass Behind the Glue Factory.
0ur special guest is a very shy lady impressionist.
Her Petula Clark is extremely good and her Cilla Black is fantastic.
But no one can touch her Lulu.
But first, the news.
The health service stated today that they are getting so behindhand that for the pregnancy-testing service there is now a ten-month waiting list.
It was announced today in Dublin that the Irish Doomsday Book is in fact a forgery.
This was the conclusion after a six-month study of it by typewriting experts.
In Hatfield today, the prototype of a mammoth, 50-foot high food mixer went completely out of control.
The entire company has gone into liquidation.
And we've just heard sensational news from Whipsnade.
The male panda, who's developed a passion for music, has mated with the head-keeper's harmonium.
Experts say this may create a panda-monium.
(Applause) And now a sketch in which I play the schoolboy expelled for smoking.
And I play the boy who set him on fire.
(# Funky jazz) Er, excuse me.
Didn't I didn't I see you at the Festival Hall last week? Erm no, I don't think so.
- 0h, you're not Corsetti, the cellist? - 0h, no.
No, I'm not.
0h, I do beg your pardon.
0nly, I'm sure I've seen you somewhere last week.
Erm Could it have been could it have been the garden? - Sorry? - The garden at the weekend.
Yes, I was in the garden at the weekend.
It was lovely.
It was really lovely.
Yes, wasn't it magnificent? Yes, erm which performance were you at? I'm sorry? Which performance did you see at Covent Garden? - 0h, sorry, Covent Garden.
- Yes.
0h, no.
Sorry.
No, I wasn't at Covent Garden last weekend, no.
- 0h, you weren't there last weekend? - No.
I think it must have been the weekend before.
- 0h, that was magnificent, too, wasn't it? - 0h, truly.
I thought Cattacini was in superb form.
0h, yes.
What a magnificent erm you know.
Hm? What? What a magnificent, you know, piece of form he showed.
0h, yes.
Yes.
And I thought the chorus of harlots was absolutely - (Laughing) Quite! - Yes.
Yes.
And when Guttenheimer sang I Tutti Me Gondolieri - 0h, yes.
# I tutti me gon # - Yes.
Ah, yes.
0h, yes.
No, wait a minute.
That wasn't last week, was it? - Wasn't it? - No, no, that was the week before.
- 0f course.
It was the week before.
- Yes.
Silly of me.
0h, well, how could I have thought it was that week? No, quite.
What was it that week? Erm - You said you were there that week.
- Yes.
Erm It was erm Give me a moment.
Er Strauss? Strauss.
Strauss? 0h, that's awfully good! Strauss, yes.
Yes, Gelivetti is far too lyrical, isn't he? But I must remember that Strauss joke.
Talking of Gelivetti, do you know Cornwall at all? Yes, I must be honest.
Yes, we went there for our holidays this year.
St Ives for a fortnight.
It was awfully nice.
We had a little Brian Cornwall, the novelist.
0h.
No, I erm No, sorry.
0h, I must recommend his fascinating article - in this month's edition of Brain.
- 0h.
0n the mock Middle Byzantine facades that they're sticking onto poor old Doncaster Library.
- 0h.
In Brain.
I'll make a note of that.
- Yes.
And also a fascinating series of articles on silicates in there somewhere.
- What do you think of Reading? - The novelist? Nov No, I don't know a novelist called Reading.
0h, I'm sorry.
The place.
(Laughs) No, the new system for dating crustacea.
- What do you think of it, really? - Well, I Well, I I don't It seems awfully It's awfully difficult, isn't it? - It is awfully difficult.
- I think it's awfully difficult.
0n the one hand you've got Zückerman.
And on the other hand you've got whatshisname.
- You have got whatshis - Yes.
What is what is his name? What is his name? His name is, erm Don't tell me.
Erm it's erm It's Bennett, isn't it? Do you read, at all? 0h, I read an awful lot, coming up on the train every morning from Maidstone.
- Maidstone? - Yes.
- I come from Maidstone.
- Really? Well, well, well, well.
This has been one of the most stimulating conversations I've had for some time.
It's so seldom one meets anyone with whom one's got anything in common.
- Maidstone! - Maidstone! How wonderful.
Cattacini comes from Maidstone, darling.
Good evening and welcome to The Day After Tomorrow's World.
Tonight, we show you something smooth, streamlined, functional and fast.
But that's enough about me.
I'm standing here in the kitchen of the future, the kitchen that's got every labour-saving device you can think of apart from the Liberal Party.
Let us look around, shall we? First of all, here is the special eye-level grill.
There we are.
Designed by Ronnie Corbett.
And then, in this one multi-unit, there is a mixer, the oven and the washing machine, all in one.
Well, how does it work? Well, supposing, you see Supposing Supposing I want some crumpet at tea time.
Supposing I do.
What I do after five o'clock is my own business.
Now, what about a cake for my birthday? Now, I shall need some cake mix.
Now, over here, you see we have cake That's for shortcake.
And of course, that's for very long cake.
We'll take the shortcake, I think.
We put it in there, add the eggs.
And the milk.
Icing sugar.
And of course, 21 candles.
There we are.
Now, we mix for only a few seconds and simply pop it into the oven like this.
But remember, of course, that this oven and mixer is also the washing machine and I'm doing some laundry for the weatherman in the next studio.
There we are.
Now, what do we get when we turn the dial? 0h! Well, we get a small electric shock to start with.
We'll ignore that.
Now, let's just check the time on our digital clock here.
Well, either it's two o'clock or they're still on strike.
This exciting innovation I have here is the new kitchen cow.
There it is.
Right, now, we simply put the grass in here, like this.
And er the milk comes out here.
Now, this of course entirely replaces the milkman.
Unless you're the woman at number 44 with the bow front.
Now, then, what about what about the food of the future? Now, for a start, it's going to be bigger.
Now, let me demonstrate.
We scientists, we have found that the old vegetables were too small.
Far too small.
For instance, what can I do with this carrot? Thank you very much, madam.
But seriously, I tried carrots as decoration.
I even bought my wife this 18-carrot ring.
But it didn't go down awfully well.
Now here, though, on the contrary Here is a single section from the giant super-carrot of the future.
Now, there it is.
You see.
Now, if you ate all that side you could see Muhammad Ali in a dark room with your eyes shut.
Even if he wasn't there.
0n this side, you see, there's Matt Monro singing I'm In The Mood For Love.
0f course, it doesn't end there.
Here is the new BBC radish.
Here we are.
With 13 guaranteed repeats on BBC2.
And here (Applause) Thank you.
Here is a shredded wheat for the woman with two men in her life.
And here's one for the woman with 20 men in her life.
Ladies with larger appetites than that should see their doctor.
He'll probably give them one of these.
Here is the new oven-ready budgerigar.
There we are.
- (Ringing) - 0h, excuse me.
Hello? Sorry, wrong cucumber.
Try again.
Now, here here is the mousetrap of the future.
Here it is.
It consists of a piece of cheese, a Jimmy Young record and a brick.
The mouse smells the cheese, comes out of its hole, plays the record.
When the poor little so-and-so puts his paws over his ears, you creep up behind him and hit him with the brick.
And here we ha Ah.
Here we have the new egg-laying machine.
"What makes it light up?" you ask.
Simple.
Inside is a battery hen.
Now How do you feed it? Well, simple.
You take one of these pellets.
In this pellet is enough concentrated hen-food for six months.
I put it in there, load it into the special gun and, by means of this aperture in here, I shoot the pellet straight into its mouth.
- (Click) - (Squawking) (Chicken expires) Ah.
There's another hole on this end.
It's the wrong end of the box.
No wonder the eggs come out cracked.
Before I leave you, there's just time to remove our cake from the oven and also to see how the weatherman's laundry is getting on.
Now, here we are.
Ah, yes, there we are.
Here it is.
A very nice cake in a wool and rayon mixture.
With a zip front.
There we are.
And of course here we have a fine set of beautifully iced underpants.
There we are.
Now, the weatherman should be very pleased with these.
When his wife blows out the candles tonight, there'll be a cold front and a following wind.
(Applause) London 1899.
The threat continued.
The Phantom was still at large, wreaking havoc in society circles with his shocking attacks on people in high places.
(Deep raspberry) (Raspberry) (Raspberry) Inspector Corner of the Yard, terrified that the Phantom would attack Her Majesty, Queen Victoria, agreed to a midnight assignation in the graveyard at midnight only to be attacked from behind by a half-crazed monster.
(Prolonged raspberry) And so the chase was on.
For month after month, the inspector tirelessly pursued his man to the far corners of the earth, defying death 1,000 times.
The Phantom fled, leaving chaos and destruction in his wake.
Finally, in despair, Inspector Corner of the Yard returned to dear old England just in time for Queen Victoria's procession through the streets on New Year's Eve, to celebrate the dawning of a brand-new century.
Worn out, exhausted, his nerves shattered and his energy completely drained away, the inspector accepted a cup of tea from the faithful Sergeant Bowles and soon felt much better.
- (Cheering outside) - Ah That's much better.
I'm my old self, Bowles.
What a splendid view you've arranged for us, Bowles.
I do my best, sir.
What a pretty procession.
Awfully nice idea to do it completely in black and white.
- Tasteful, isn't it, sir? - Mm.
- Would you like a flag to wave, sir? - 0h, thank you.
Hooray! Three cheers for the grey, white and black! - (Knock on door) - Come in.
Great Scott! Great Scott! Great Scott! Who's it from? Sir Harry Lauder? No, it's from Chief Inspector Bloy of the Crystal Palace division.
They've cornered the Phantom.
- Where, sir? - In the sewers at Bullseye Crescent.
I shall go ahead.
You follow with six good men and the equipment.
- Very good, sir.
- And hurry! The procession is heading that way.
(Cheering) Now, look here, naughty Phantom Raspberry Blower of 0ld London Town.
We know you're down there.
Give yourself up.
Now.
0therwise I'll play back your own devilish recording with the new, electric, police horn.
Do you hear me? (Echoing raspberry) He can hear you, sir.
Place the equipment.
We will count up to ten.
(Phantom, echoing) You will never take me alive.
I'd rather my weapon was turned upon myself.
We will not bargain with you, sir.
Come out.
0ne.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Take cover! Ten! (Cheering) And so a new century dawned and London at last freed itself of the dreaded Phantom Raspberry Blower.
Never again would law-abiding citizens be subjected to terrifying attacks from the rear.
People could return to their innocent pleasures, safe in the knowledge that law and order had been restored throughout the land.
England could once more live in peace.
The Phantom was dead.
Or was he? (Raspberry) (Raspberries interspersing music) (Applause) Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dickson.
(Applause) # If you had a plan # What to do when you're a man # You could be lucky # Giving yourself a good time # Well, you're almost free # Free of ties which could surround you # Stifling all your instincts for survival # It's a hard old world # I remember when a girl # Closeted school days # Terrified out of my mind # When I left, I felt # That my life had somehow ended # Now, how could I cope with problems # 0n this scale? # It's like your heart is for sale # Through the next years, they say the best years of your life # 0f your life # You cement relationships to last you forever # But when you look back on those friends # What have you got? # Not a lot # But one or two to carry through # To love you a lot # So please find your place # Taking life at such a pace # That you can deal with # Don't let yourself be confined # When you find your way # All those facets fit so tightly # And everything that you love # Can be a prize # It takes so long to be wise # 0ne or two to carry through # To love you a lot # So please find your place # Taking life at such a pace # That you can deal with # Don't let yourself be confined # When you find your way # All those facets fit so tightly # And everything that you love # Will be a prize # It takes so long to be wise # It takes so long to be wise # It takes so long to be wise # (Applause) At this point we have to announce that after further objections about West Indian bouncers, we've cancelled tonight's demonstration by the Trinidad Ladies Go-go Dancers.
And we were to have had Jimmy Savile with us, but we've just heard that his suit has been disallowed by the Noise Abatement Society.
But here is the late news.
The longest ever swearing-in of a witness ended in the High Court this afternoon after six and a half days, when the witness, instead of holding the Bible and reading out the card, held the card and read out the Bible.
And news news has just come in from Magalumbu, the primitive Pacific island, where a man has been condemned to death for cannibalism.
This morning, the day of the execution, the condemned man rose, got dressed, cleaned his teeth and ate a hearty warder.
There was chaos at King's Cross today when a consignment of 93 tortoises from Indonesia escaped from a guard's van and made off along the platform.
When asked how they managed to get clear away from the station, a British Rail spokesman said, "We tried to stop them "but they were just too fast for our porters.
" (Applause) Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
This'll er this'll make you laugh.
Er it's actually about the owner of a holiday camp who's driving along one day He's driving along one day and he sees a rather poor-looking old lady and a rather poor-looking old man sitting on a bench, you know, by the seaside.
And By the way, I don't want you to think I don't want you to think that I'm gonna try to get a laugh out of somebody, you know, just because they're poor.
0h, no.
Because, believe it or not, you know, I have known what it's like to be short.
(Laughter) So, don't be alarmed.
I'm not gonna do what most comedians would do at this point - you know, go off into a contrived routine about my life and hard times, you know.
You know the sort of thing, don't you? You know, a tramp came to the door and said, "Any old clothes?" And my mother said, "Yes, please.
" "We were so poor, my brother was made in Hong Kong.
" That kind of thing.
No, no.
Although, to be serious for just a little while longer, this This story that I'm going to tell does rather take me back a bit because it is the first joke that my old dad ever told to me, when I was five years old.
That's more than 20 years ago.
Easily.
So So, if you don't like the joke, perhaps you can applaud the feat of memory involved.
Now Not now.
Not now.
Not now.
Wait until you've heard the joke.
Where was I up to? 0h, yes.
Actually, I remember I was five because it was my fifth birthday and my (Laughter) Well, I'm very quick like that.
I just have to get on the wavelength.
And my parents had just given me an old bra and told me it was a double-barrelled catapult.
Very valuable experience because nowadays I can spot a loaded Playtex a mile away.
Actually, I shouldn't criticise my parents because they were going through a sticky patch at the time.
My father had lost all his money in his latest venture, you know.
London's first drive-in, do-it-yourself sheep dip.
Then he tried selling broken light bulbs to people who had no electricity.
And even now, he hasn't had a job since he was a deckchair attendant in Lawrence 0f Arabia.
Very, very hard times.
He was too proud, you see, to beg in the streets.
So he used to beg indoors.
All my All my mother All my mother had to cook with was two candles under an old fire bucket.
And every night Every night, she used to cook a meal for 17 of us.
There were only three of us in the family but she loved entertaining.
And, you know, I shall never I shall never forget that Christmas Eve when Daddy crept into my little room in his Santa Claus outfit and stole my socks.
No, I No, I mu I must be fair.
I don't want to get my parents a bad name and he didn't actually steal them, you know.
He reclaimed them.
It was something to do with the fact that I'd fallen behind on the repayments from when they sold me my first pram.
For which, incidentally, I still pay them five shillings a week.
Well, it may sound ridiculous, five shillings a week for 40 years, but you know how it is - when you're only one year old, you'll sign anything.
And even even then it wasn't really a pram.
It was a trolley stolen from a supermarket.
A change of wheels, a quick respray and there I am, at the age of one, riding around town in a hot basket.
Now I've remembered the joke, which concerns which concerns the elderly, an elderly lady and gentleman, you see, who were resting on one of those benches on the front at the seaside when a big car pulled up and the chap in the car said, (Northern accent) "Excuse me, but I am the owner - "of the St Eyford's Bay Holiday Camp.
" - (Chuckling) Don't start laughing whenever I try and do a funny voice.
He said, "I am the owner of the St Eyford's Bay Holiday Camp.
" I think he was from Arbroath, as well, as a matter of fact.
He said, "I'd be honoured "if you two would come and spend a few a free holiday" "An absolutely free few days," I was going to say, but a free holiday, fortnight, whatever.
"Come and spend a free holiday with us as our millionth visitor.
" Well, the old lady immediately suspected it was a trick.
By white-slave traders, you know.
To abduct her.
To abduct her and sell her into a life of sin and debauchery.
So she ran across and jumped into the car.
And the old man went with her, you see.
So, he took them to his holiday camp and installed them in a nice double chalet with the best view in the camp, you know, facing the gate.
And he left them there, you see.
And next day, he saw them sitting outside the chalet and he said to the old lady, "Are you enjoying your stay with us, then?" She said, "I'm having a great time.
Absolutely lovely time.
"I've played bingo, I've watched the men building the swimming pool.
" She said, "Tonight I'm going to the fancy-dress ball as Des 0'Connor and" She said, "By the way, can I ask you a question? "Erm who's the little old man?" (Laughter) (Applause) (# Bagpipes, drum) (Applause) (# Marching tune) (# Amazing Grace) (Scots accents) # Amazing Grace # How sweet the sound # She played upon her whistle # To show you how she charged a pound # Behind the Dog and Thistle # Most Scottish girls are tickled pink # By a sporran and a feather # But men in kilts # Should steer well clear # 0f a girl called Prickly Heather # (Drum rolls) (# Loch Lomond) # The last Highland Games they called out our names # And they made us take part in the races # 0h, I tossed a caber # And I put the shot # And you put it in some damn funny places # The bloke next to me, he was sixteen stone three # And we stood side by side 'neath the ramparts # He said wi' a grin if I didnae let him win # He would break every bone in my band parts # So I took the high jump and he took the long jump # And for all I know he's still travelling # The crease in his troosers will never meet again # Cos he got in the way of the javelin # # Where, tell me where has my Sunday sporran gone? # I hung it out to dry # 0n the line and now it's gone # I think someone enticed it # With a biscuit or a bone # And I hope in my heart # It has found a decent home # It won't bark at strangers or chase the next-door's cat # It just used to lie sort of flat upon the mat # I hope it's not run over # And it comes back safe to me # 0h, sad beats my heart # Cos I've just paid the licence fee # # They say a man who filled his time with making merry in Perth # 0nce gave a ball in Kirriemuir to celebrate his birth # With enough supplies of whisky for to fill the Forth of Firth # Which naturally caused jollity, frivolity and mirth # 0h, some folk drank till they were drunk and others did the same # And some folk didnae bother they were drunk afore they came # The only man who didn't drink was flat upon the floor # And he'd been there since last year sleeping off the year before # They were drinking in the pantry, they were drinking in the hall # They were hanging oot the windows, they were hanging on the wall # And the bonny pipes were playing but nobody danced at all # They were all too busy drinking at the local parish ball # 0h, the duchess, who was 20 stone could hardly keep awake # She threw off all her garments and she jumped into the lake # She terrified the fishes who scattered pretty quick # And she floated in the moonlight like a Scottish Moby Dick # 0h, she went down the river she was such an awful sight # Then along came Dr Kipper he was looking for a bite # 0h, he plunged into the water with his harpoon dripping wet # And he scored a hit amidships then he gaffed her with his end # 0h, a very drunken mick in a kilt and tartan socks # Sat by the lake at midnight drinking whisky on the rocks # He climbed up on the castle wall for everyone to see # And danced a jig and shouted "All the highballs are on me" # They were drinking in the pantry, they were drinking in the hall # They were hanging oot the windows, they were hanging on the wall # And the loddie pipes were playing but nobody danced at all # They were all too busy drinking at the local parish ball # (Applause) # There was a soldier a Yiddish soldier # Who wandered far away from Golders Green one day # He went quite barmy and joined the army # The Queen's 0wn Highland Four By Twos # And he worked in the cookhouse there # With his knees all bare cooking kosher fare # And serving lots of soups to the hungry troops # Far from Golders Green, his home # But now our soldier our Yiddish soldier # A man so bold and brave lies in a hero's grave # In some far corner of somewhere foreign # At last his sporran's come to rest # He sailed away for to fight the foe # At some Highland show up in Scapa Flow # A flying haggis in a cookhouse brawl # Caused our poor young lad to fall # But like I told ya this Yiddish soldier # Will never be forgot wherever soup is hot # His name will linger on every finger # When pickled herrings are passed around # But never more will he serve a lobster ball # He has answered now that final bugle call # There's just a brown mark on the cookhouse wall # Where the haggis did its worst # But now he's up there and he's grown some wings # And he's probably lost some other things # Now we leave him as we end our song # Far from Golders Green, his home # (Applause, whistling) (# Marching tune) (Applause) Well, that's all for this week.
But here are two items of late news.
At the Royal Air Show today, Luigi Brigonzi, the famous drunken Italian air ace, was not permitted to do his celebrated dive through the sound barrier.
The controller said he could not endanger the crowd with a high tiddly eyetie, boom boom.
And in a very serious case in the High Court this afternoon, an 18-year-old secretary in the Foreign 0ffice confessed that she'd disgraced herself at an embassy reception by entertaining a Russian spy on the bedroom carpet, the Mayor of Helsinki in the garbage can, a Chinese attaché in the wash basin, a Prussian officer in the fuel receptacle and an African chief in the downstairs toilet.
She had a red under the bed, a Finn in the bin, a Chink in the sink, a Junker in the bunker and a Swazi in the khazi.
And now the trailer for the BBC's Film of the Month, to be shown next Thursday.
The film that broke all box-office records, the film that everyone is talking about.
(# Stirring theme tune) (American man) From the studios that first dared to bring to the cinema stories of the magnitude of Moby Dick, Old Man And The Sea, The Poseidon Adventure, now comes the supreme, definitive drama of the predator, Man, in his age-old battle with the deep.
(Screaming) Now the spine-chilling horror that has shocked America comes searing across your screens.
(Screaming) (# Jaws-style warning notes) (Screams) Now, before we go, we've just time to reveal that since the previous series, one of us has had a sex change.
But we're not saying which it is.
So, it's goodbye from me.
And it's goodbye from her.
Goodbye.
It's nice to be with you again.
Isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.
And in a packed programme tonight, we shall be talking by long-distance phone to a Scotsman who found an Australian penny and emigrated.
Then we'll have three contrasting pieces of choral music - sacred songs from St Martin in the Fields, rather less sacred songs from St Christopher in the Woods and some positively revolting songs from St Vitus in the Long Grass Behind the Glue Factory.
0ur special guest is a very shy lady impressionist.
Her Petula Clark is extremely good and her Cilla Black is fantastic.
But no one can touch her Lulu.
But first, the news.
The health service stated today that they are getting so behindhand that for the pregnancy-testing service there is now a ten-month waiting list.
It was announced today in Dublin that the Irish Doomsday Book is in fact a forgery.
This was the conclusion after a six-month study of it by typewriting experts.
In Hatfield today, the prototype of a mammoth, 50-foot high food mixer went completely out of control.
The entire company has gone into liquidation.
And we've just heard sensational news from Whipsnade.
The male panda, who's developed a passion for music, has mated with the head-keeper's harmonium.
Experts say this may create a panda-monium.
(Applause) And now a sketch in which I play the schoolboy expelled for smoking.
And I play the boy who set him on fire.
(# Funky jazz) Er, excuse me.
Didn't I didn't I see you at the Festival Hall last week? Erm no, I don't think so.
- 0h, you're not Corsetti, the cellist? - 0h, no.
No, I'm not.
0h, I do beg your pardon.
0nly, I'm sure I've seen you somewhere last week.
Erm Could it have been could it have been the garden? - Sorry? - The garden at the weekend.
Yes, I was in the garden at the weekend.
It was lovely.
It was really lovely.
Yes, wasn't it magnificent? Yes, erm which performance were you at? I'm sorry? Which performance did you see at Covent Garden? - 0h, sorry, Covent Garden.
- Yes.
0h, no.
Sorry.
No, I wasn't at Covent Garden last weekend, no.
- 0h, you weren't there last weekend? - No.
I think it must have been the weekend before.
- 0h, that was magnificent, too, wasn't it? - 0h, truly.
I thought Cattacini was in superb form.
0h, yes.
What a magnificent erm you know.
Hm? What? What a magnificent, you know, piece of form he showed.
0h, yes.
Yes.
And I thought the chorus of harlots was absolutely - (Laughing) Quite! - Yes.
Yes.
And when Guttenheimer sang I Tutti Me Gondolieri - 0h, yes.
# I tutti me gon # - Yes.
Ah, yes.
0h, yes.
No, wait a minute.
That wasn't last week, was it? - Wasn't it? - No, no, that was the week before.
- 0f course.
It was the week before.
- Yes.
Silly of me.
0h, well, how could I have thought it was that week? No, quite.
What was it that week? Erm - You said you were there that week.
- Yes.
Erm It was erm Give me a moment.
Er Strauss? Strauss.
Strauss? 0h, that's awfully good! Strauss, yes.
Yes, Gelivetti is far too lyrical, isn't he? But I must remember that Strauss joke.
Talking of Gelivetti, do you know Cornwall at all? Yes, I must be honest.
Yes, we went there for our holidays this year.
St Ives for a fortnight.
It was awfully nice.
We had a little Brian Cornwall, the novelist.
0h.
No, I erm No, sorry.
0h, I must recommend his fascinating article - in this month's edition of Brain.
- 0h.
0n the mock Middle Byzantine facades that they're sticking onto poor old Doncaster Library.
- 0h.
In Brain.
I'll make a note of that.
- Yes.
And also a fascinating series of articles on silicates in there somewhere.
- What do you think of Reading? - The novelist? Nov No, I don't know a novelist called Reading.
0h, I'm sorry.
The place.
(Laughs) No, the new system for dating crustacea.
- What do you think of it, really? - Well, I Well, I I don't It seems awfully It's awfully difficult, isn't it? - It is awfully difficult.
- I think it's awfully difficult.
0n the one hand you've got Zückerman.
And on the other hand you've got whatshisname.
- You have got whatshis - Yes.
What is what is his name? What is his name? His name is, erm Don't tell me.
Erm it's erm It's Bennett, isn't it? Do you read, at all? 0h, I read an awful lot, coming up on the train every morning from Maidstone.
- Maidstone? - Yes.
- I come from Maidstone.
- Really? Well, well, well, well.
This has been one of the most stimulating conversations I've had for some time.
It's so seldom one meets anyone with whom one's got anything in common.
- Maidstone! - Maidstone! How wonderful.
Cattacini comes from Maidstone, darling.
Good evening and welcome to The Day After Tomorrow's World.
Tonight, we show you something smooth, streamlined, functional and fast.
But that's enough about me.
I'm standing here in the kitchen of the future, the kitchen that's got every labour-saving device you can think of apart from the Liberal Party.
Let us look around, shall we? First of all, here is the special eye-level grill.
There we are.
Designed by Ronnie Corbett.
And then, in this one multi-unit, there is a mixer, the oven and the washing machine, all in one.
Well, how does it work? Well, supposing, you see Supposing Supposing I want some crumpet at tea time.
Supposing I do.
What I do after five o'clock is my own business.
Now, what about a cake for my birthday? Now, I shall need some cake mix.
Now, over here, you see we have cake That's for shortcake.
And of course, that's for very long cake.
We'll take the shortcake, I think.
We put it in there, add the eggs.
And the milk.
Icing sugar.
And of course, 21 candles.
There we are.
Now, we mix for only a few seconds and simply pop it into the oven like this.
But remember, of course, that this oven and mixer is also the washing machine and I'm doing some laundry for the weatherman in the next studio.
There we are.
Now, what do we get when we turn the dial? 0h! Well, we get a small electric shock to start with.
We'll ignore that.
Now, let's just check the time on our digital clock here.
Well, either it's two o'clock or they're still on strike.
This exciting innovation I have here is the new kitchen cow.
There it is.
Right, now, we simply put the grass in here, like this.
And er the milk comes out here.
Now, this of course entirely replaces the milkman.
Unless you're the woman at number 44 with the bow front.
Now, then, what about what about the food of the future? Now, for a start, it's going to be bigger.
Now, let me demonstrate.
We scientists, we have found that the old vegetables were too small.
Far too small.
For instance, what can I do with this carrot? Thank you very much, madam.
But seriously, I tried carrots as decoration.
I even bought my wife this 18-carrot ring.
But it didn't go down awfully well.
Now here, though, on the contrary Here is a single section from the giant super-carrot of the future.
Now, there it is.
You see.
Now, if you ate all that side you could see Muhammad Ali in a dark room with your eyes shut.
Even if he wasn't there.
0n this side, you see, there's Matt Monro singing I'm In The Mood For Love.
0f course, it doesn't end there.
Here is the new BBC radish.
Here we are.
With 13 guaranteed repeats on BBC2.
And here (Applause) Thank you.
Here is a shredded wheat for the woman with two men in her life.
And here's one for the woman with 20 men in her life.
Ladies with larger appetites than that should see their doctor.
He'll probably give them one of these.
Here is the new oven-ready budgerigar.
There we are.
- (Ringing) - 0h, excuse me.
Hello? Sorry, wrong cucumber.
Try again.
Now, here here is the mousetrap of the future.
Here it is.
It consists of a piece of cheese, a Jimmy Young record and a brick.
The mouse smells the cheese, comes out of its hole, plays the record.
When the poor little so-and-so puts his paws over his ears, you creep up behind him and hit him with the brick.
And here we ha Ah.
Here we have the new egg-laying machine.
"What makes it light up?" you ask.
Simple.
Inside is a battery hen.
Now How do you feed it? Well, simple.
You take one of these pellets.
In this pellet is enough concentrated hen-food for six months.
I put it in there, load it into the special gun and, by means of this aperture in here, I shoot the pellet straight into its mouth.
- (Click) - (Squawking) (Chicken expires) Ah.
There's another hole on this end.
It's the wrong end of the box.
No wonder the eggs come out cracked.
Before I leave you, there's just time to remove our cake from the oven and also to see how the weatherman's laundry is getting on.
Now, here we are.
Ah, yes, there we are.
Here it is.
A very nice cake in a wool and rayon mixture.
With a zip front.
There we are.
And of course here we have a fine set of beautifully iced underpants.
There we are.
Now, the weatherman should be very pleased with these.
When his wife blows out the candles tonight, there'll be a cold front and a following wind.
(Applause) London 1899.
The threat continued.
The Phantom was still at large, wreaking havoc in society circles with his shocking attacks on people in high places.
(Deep raspberry) (Raspberry) (Raspberry) Inspector Corner of the Yard, terrified that the Phantom would attack Her Majesty, Queen Victoria, agreed to a midnight assignation in the graveyard at midnight only to be attacked from behind by a half-crazed monster.
(Prolonged raspberry) And so the chase was on.
For month after month, the inspector tirelessly pursued his man to the far corners of the earth, defying death 1,000 times.
The Phantom fled, leaving chaos and destruction in his wake.
Finally, in despair, Inspector Corner of the Yard returned to dear old England just in time for Queen Victoria's procession through the streets on New Year's Eve, to celebrate the dawning of a brand-new century.
Worn out, exhausted, his nerves shattered and his energy completely drained away, the inspector accepted a cup of tea from the faithful Sergeant Bowles and soon felt much better.
- (Cheering outside) - Ah That's much better.
I'm my old self, Bowles.
What a splendid view you've arranged for us, Bowles.
I do my best, sir.
What a pretty procession.
Awfully nice idea to do it completely in black and white.
- Tasteful, isn't it, sir? - Mm.
- Would you like a flag to wave, sir? - 0h, thank you.
Hooray! Three cheers for the grey, white and black! - (Knock on door) - Come in.
Great Scott! Great Scott! Great Scott! Who's it from? Sir Harry Lauder? No, it's from Chief Inspector Bloy of the Crystal Palace division.
They've cornered the Phantom.
- Where, sir? - In the sewers at Bullseye Crescent.
I shall go ahead.
You follow with six good men and the equipment.
- Very good, sir.
- And hurry! The procession is heading that way.
(Cheering) Now, look here, naughty Phantom Raspberry Blower of 0ld London Town.
We know you're down there.
Give yourself up.
Now.
0therwise I'll play back your own devilish recording with the new, electric, police horn.
Do you hear me? (Echoing raspberry) He can hear you, sir.
Place the equipment.
We will count up to ten.
(Phantom, echoing) You will never take me alive.
I'd rather my weapon was turned upon myself.
We will not bargain with you, sir.
Come out.
0ne.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Take cover! Ten! (Cheering) And so a new century dawned and London at last freed itself of the dreaded Phantom Raspberry Blower.
Never again would law-abiding citizens be subjected to terrifying attacks from the rear.
People could return to their innocent pleasures, safe in the knowledge that law and order had been restored throughout the land.
England could once more live in peace.
The Phantom was dead.
Or was he? (Raspberry) (Raspberries interspersing music) (Applause) Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dickson.
(Applause) # If you had a plan # What to do when you're a man # You could be lucky # Giving yourself a good time # Well, you're almost free # Free of ties which could surround you # Stifling all your instincts for survival # It's a hard old world # I remember when a girl # Closeted school days # Terrified out of my mind # When I left, I felt # That my life had somehow ended # Now, how could I cope with problems # 0n this scale? # It's like your heart is for sale # Through the next years, they say the best years of your life # 0f your life # You cement relationships to last you forever # But when you look back on those friends # What have you got? # Not a lot # But one or two to carry through # To love you a lot # So please find your place # Taking life at such a pace # That you can deal with # Don't let yourself be confined # When you find your way # All those facets fit so tightly # And everything that you love # Can be a prize # It takes so long to be wise # 0ne or two to carry through # To love you a lot # So please find your place # Taking life at such a pace # That you can deal with # Don't let yourself be confined # When you find your way # All those facets fit so tightly # And everything that you love # Will be a prize # It takes so long to be wise # It takes so long to be wise # It takes so long to be wise # (Applause) At this point we have to announce that after further objections about West Indian bouncers, we've cancelled tonight's demonstration by the Trinidad Ladies Go-go Dancers.
And we were to have had Jimmy Savile with us, but we've just heard that his suit has been disallowed by the Noise Abatement Society.
But here is the late news.
The longest ever swearing-in of a witness ended in the High Court this afternoon after six and a half days, when the witness, instead of holding the Bible and reading out the card, held the card and read out the Bible.
And news news has just come in from Magalumbu, the primitive Pacific island, where a man has been condemned to death for cannibalism.
This morning, the day of the execution, the condemned man rose, got dressed, cleaned his teeth and ate a hearty warder.
There was chaos at King's Cross today when a consignment of 93 tortoises from Indonesia escaped from a guard's van and made off along the platform.
When asked how they managed to get clear away from the station, a British Rail spokesman said, "We tried to stop them "but they were just too fast for our porters.
" (Applause) Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
This'll er this'll make you laugh.
Er it's actually about the owner of a holiday camp who's driving along one day He's driving along one day and he sees a rather poor-looking old lady and a rather poor-looking old man sitting on a bench, you know, by the seaside.
And By the way, I don't want you to think I don't want you to think that I'm gonna try to get a laugh out of somebody, you know, just because they're poor.
0h, no.
Because, believe it or not, you know, I have known what it's like to be short.
(Laughter) So, don't be alarmed.
I'm not gonna do what most comedians would do at this point - you know, go off into a contrived routine about my life and hard times, you know.
You know the sort of thing, don't you? You know, a tramp came to the door and said, "Any old clothes?" And my mother said, "Yes, please.
" "We were so poor, my brother was made in Hong Kong.
" That kind of thing.
No, no.
Although, to be serious for just a little while longer, this This story that I'm going to tell does rather take me back a bit because it is the first joke that my old dad ever told to me, when I was five years old.
That's more than 20 years ago.
Easily.
So So, if you don't like the joke, perhaps you can applaud the feat of memory involved.
Now Not now.
Not now.
Not now.
Wait until you've heard the joke.
Where was I up to? 0h, yes.
Actually, I remember I was five because it was my fifth birthday and my (Laughter) Well, I'm very quick like that.
I just have to get on the wavelength.
And my parents had just given me an old bra and told me it was a double-barrelled catapult.
Very valuable experience because nowadays I can spot a loaded Playtex a mile away.
Actually, I shouldn't criticise my parents because they were going through a sticky patch at the time.
My father had lost all his money in his latest venture, you know.
London's first drive-in, do-it-yourself sheep dip.
Then he tried selling broken light bulbs to people who had no electricity.
And even now, he hasn't had a job since he was a deckchair attendant in Lawrence 0f Arabia.
Very, very hard times.
He was too proud, you see, to beg in the streets.
So he used to beg indoors.
All my All my mother All my mother had to cook with was two candles under an old fire bucket.
And every night Every night, she used to cook a meal for 17 of us.
There were only three of us in the family but she loved entertaining.
And, you know, I shall never I shall never forget that Christmas Eve when Daddy crept into my little room in his Santa Claus outfit and stole my socks.
No, I No, I mu I must be fair.
I don't want to get my parents a bad name and he didn't actually steal them, you know.
He reclaimed them.
It was something to do with the fact that I'd fallen behind on the repayments from when they sold me my first pram.
For which, incidentally, I still pay them five shillings a week.
Well, it may sound ridiculous, five shillings a week for 40 years, but you know how it is - when you're only one year old, you'll sign anything.
And even even then it wasn't really a pram.
It was a trolley stolen from a supermarket.
A change of wheels, a quick respray and there I am, at the age of one, riding around town in a hot basket.
Now I've remembered the joke, which concerns which concerns the elderly, an elderly lady and gentleman, you see, who were resting on one of those benches on the front at the seaside when a big car pulled up and the chap in the car said, (Northern accent) "Excuse me, but I am the owner - "of the St Eyford's Bay Holiday Camp.
" - (Chuckling) Don't start laughing whenever I try and do a funny voice.
He said, "I am the owner of the St Eyford's Bay Holiday Camp.
" I think he was from Arbroath, as well, as a matter of fact.
He said, "I'd be honoured "if you two would come and spend a few a free holiday" "An absolutely free few days," I was going to say, but a free holiday, fortnight, whatever.
"Come and spend a free holiday with us as our millionth visitor.
" Well, the old lady immediately suspected it was a trick.
By white-slave traders, you know.
To abduct her.
To abduct her and sell her into a life of sin and debauchery.
So she ran across and jumped into the car.
And the old man went with her, you see.
So, he took them to his holiday camp and installed them in a nice double chalet with the best view in the camp, you know, facing the gate.
And he left them there, you see.
And next day, he saw them sitting outside the chalet and he said to the old lady, "Are you enjoying your stay with us, then?" She said, "I'm having a great time.
Absolutely lovely time.
"I've played bingo, I've watched the men building the swimming pool.
" She said, "Tonight I'm going to the fancy-dress ball as Des 0'Connor and" She said, "By the way, can I ask you a question? "Erm who's the little old man?" (Laughter) (Applause) (# Bagpipes, drum) (Applause) (# Marching tune) (# Amazing Grace) (Scots accents) # Amazing Grace # How sweet the sound # She played upon her whistle # To show you how she charged a pound # Behind the Dog and Thistle # Most Scottish girls are tickled pink # By a sporran and a feather # But men in kilts # Should steer well clear # 0f a girl called Prickly Heather # (Drum rolls) (# Loch Lomond) # The last Highland Games they called out our names # And they made us take part in the races # 0h, I tossed a caber # And I put the shot # And you put it in some damn funny places # The bloke next to me, he was sixteen stone three # And we stood side by side 'neath the ramparts # He said wi' a grin if I didnae let him win # He would break every bone in my band parts # So I took the high jump and he took the long jump # And for all I know he's still travelling # The crease in his troosers will never meet again # Cos he got in the way of the javelin # # Where, tell me where has my Sunday sporran gone? # I hung it out to dry # 0n the line and now it's gone # I think someone enticed it # With a biscuit or a bone # And I hope in my heart # It has found a decent home # It won't bark at strangers or chase the next-door's cat # It just used to lie sort of flat upon the mat # I hope it's not run over # And it comes back safe to me # 0h, sad beats my heart # Cos I've just paid the licence fee # # They say a man who filled his time with making merry in Perth # 0nce gave a ball in Kirriemuir to celebrate his birth # With enough supplies of whisky for to fill the Forth of Firth # Which naturally caused jollity, frivolity and mirth # 0h, some folk drank till they were drunk and others did the same # And some folk didnae bother they were drunk afore they came # The only man who didn't drink was flat upon the floor # And he'd been there since last year sleeping off the year before # They were drinking in the pantry, they were drinking in the hall # They were hanging oot the windows, they were hanging on the wall # And the bonny pipes were playing but nobody danced at all # They were all too busy drinking at the local parish ball # 0h, the duchess, who was 20 stone could hardly keep awake # She threw off all her garments and she jumped into the lake # She terrified the fishes who scattered pretty quick # And she floated in the moonlight like a Scottish Moby Dick # 0h, she went down the river she was such an awful sight # Then along came Dr Kipper he was looking for a bite # 0h, he plunged into the water with his harpoon dripping wet # And he scored a hit amidships then he gaffed her with his end # 0h, a very drunken mick in a kilt and tartan socks # Sat by the lake at midnight drinking whisky on the rocks # He climbed up on the castle wall for everyone to see # And danced a jig and shouted "All the highballs are on me" # They were drinking in the pantry, they were drinking in the hall # They were hanging oot the windows, they were hanging on the wall # And the loddie pipes were playing but nobody danced at all # They were all too busy drinking at the local parish ball # (Applause) # There was a soldier a Yiddish soldier # Who wandered far away from Golders Green one day # He went quite barmy and joined the army # The Queen's 0wn Highland Four By Twos # And he worked in the cookhouse there # With his knees all bare cooking kosher fare # And serving lots of soups to the hungry troops # Far from Golders Green, his home # But now our soldier our Yiddish soldier # A man so bold and brave lies in a hero's grave # In some far corner of somewhere foreign # At last his sporran's come to rest # He sailed away for to fight the foe # At some Highland show up in Scapa Flow # A flying haggis in a cookhouse brawl # Caused our poor young lad to fall # But like I told ya this Yiddish soldier # Will never be forgot wherever soup is hot # His name will linger on every finger # When pickled herrings are passed around # But never more will he serve a lobster ball # He has answered now that final bugle call # There's just a brown mark on the cookhouse wall # Where the haggis did its worst # But now he's up there and he's grown some wings # And he's probably lost some other things # Now we leave him as we end our song # Far from Golders Green, his home # (Applause, whistling) (# Marching tune) (Applause) Well, that's all for this week.
But here are two items of late news.
At the Royal Air Show today, Luigi Brigonzi, the famous drunken Italian air ace, was not permitted to do his celebrated dive through the sound barrier.
The controller said he could not endanger the crowd with a high tiddly eyetie, boom boom.
And in a very serious case in the High Court this afternoon, an 18-year-old secretary in the Foreign 0ffice confessed that she'd disgraced herself at an embassy reception by entertaining a Russian spy on the bedroom carpet, the Mayor of Helsinki in the garbage can, a Chinese attaché in the wash basin, a Prussian officer in the fuel receptacle and an African chief in the downstairs toilet.
She had a red under the bed, a Finn in the bin, a Chink in the sink, a Junker in the bunker and a Swazi in the khazi.
And now the trailer for the BBC's Film of the Month, to be shown next Thursday.
The film that broke all box-office records, the film that everyone is talking about.
(# Stirring theme tune) (American man) From the studios that first dared to bring to the cinema stories of the magnitude of Moby Dick, Old Man And The Sea, The Poseidon Adventure, now comes the supreme, definitive drama of the predator, Man, in his age-old battle with the deep.
(Screaming) Now the spine-chilling horror that has shocked America comes searing across your screens.
(Screaming) (# Jaws-style warning notes) (Screams) Now, before we go, we've just time to reveal that since the previous series, one of us has had a sex change.
But we're not saying which it is.
So, it's goodbye from me.
And it's goodbye from her.
Goodbye.