The Umbrella Academy (2019) s02e05 Episode Script

Valhalla

1
- [WHEELS RATTLING.]

- [QUICK FOOTSTEPS.]

[SOFT HOOTING.]

- [DOORS BUMP OPEN, SHUT.]

- [SOFT SNUFFLING.]

[LOW HOOTING.]

It's okay, little fella.

No one's gonna hurt ya.

[SOFT CHITTERING.]

[PETER SCHILLING'S "MAJOR
TOM (COMING HOME)" PLAYS.]

[VIDEO CAMERA WHIRRING.]

[CHIMP HOOTING SOFTLY.]

- [STOPWATCH CLICKS.]

- [BELL DINGS.]

[WHINES SOFTLY.]

[SOFT CHITTERING.]

- [CAMERA CONTINUES WHIRRING.]

- [SOFT GRUNTS.]

Standing there alone ♪
The ship is waiting ♪
- [GRUNTS, SQUEAKS.]

- All systems are go ♪
- [CLICKS.]

- Are you sure? ♪
- Control is not convinced ♪
- [CHIMP HOOTS.]

But their computer has the evidence ♪
- [EXCITED HOOTING.]

- No need to abort ♪
The countdown starts ♪
Watching in a trance ♪
The crew is certain ♪
Nothing left to chance ♪
All is working ♪
Trying to relax ♪
Up in the capsule ♪
[MAN.]
This is Mercury control.

The Mercury spacecraft umbilical is out.

- Nine, eight, seven, six
- The countdown is on ♪
- five, four, three, two, one.

- Four, three, two, one ♪
- Ignition [CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]

- Earth below us ♪
Drifting, falling ♪
- Floating weightless ♪
- [SHRIEKING.]

- Calling, calling home ♪
- [SOFT HOOTING.]

[MAN.]
Cabin pressure holding, 5.
5.

[SOFT HOOTING.]

Second stage is cut ♪
We're now in orbit ♪
[MAN.]
Everything is
a-okay in the cockpit.

- Starting to collect ♪
- [BELL DINGS.]

- Requested data ♪
- [HOOTING.]

- What will it affect ♪
- [CONSOLE BEEPS.]

[MAN.]
He's going to
hand-control movement now.

- [ALARM BEEPING.]

- [CONTROLLERS CLICKING.]

- [THUNDEROUS BOOM.]

- [WARNING ALARM SOUNDING.]

- Earth below us, drifting, falling ♪
- [NERVOUS CHITTERING.]

- Floating weightless ♪
- [SHRIEKING.]

Calling, calling home ♪
[SHRIEKING, SILENCE.]

[MAN.]
Do you have any word
from the recovery troops?
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]

Earth below us ♪
Drifting, falling ♪
- [GRACE GASPS.]

- Floating weightless ♪
Coming home ♪
Home ♪
[READING IN ANCIENT GREEK.]

and through me tell
the story of that man
skilled in all ways of contending,
the wanderer,
harried for years on end "
Reggie, he's sleepin'.

[SQUEAKS SOFTLY.]

[REGINALD.]
Then I suppose
Homer will have to wait.

Home ♪
Home ♪
Home ♪
[SONG FADES OUT.]

You know, I'm starting to get
the feeling Dad's avoiding us.

[LILA SIGHS.]
Hate to be
the boring one, guys,
but, uh, it's time we get
the hell out of here.

When you say "we,"
who exactly are you referring to?
Not a lot of ambiguity in that sentence.

Listen, I don't know who you
are or where you came from,
but whatever it is,
I'd advise you return posthaste.

She's right, Five.

We gotta get outta here.

I just saved your life, you kinder-shit.

If I hadn't stepped in, all
that would be left of you
is a blazer and some bloody socks.

And that's the problem.

You're too good.

You ask too many questions.

You know too much.

And you fight like you
know what you're doing.

- He's got a point.

- So I know how to handle myself,
and that makes me the bad guy?
Whoever you are, you're in my way.

If I see you again, I will kill you.

Diego, we need to go.

I was getting my ass
handed to me back there.

You helped Five, not me.

- Why?
- Because he's a kid and you're a man.

Bloody act like one.

Diego, I I
- We shouldn't
- You know what?
I'm used to dealing with liars, Lila,
but I like it better when I know
what they're lying about.

[SOFT PIANO MELODY PLAYS.]

Oh, come on, Diego.
Really?
You're just gonna walk away?
Diego.

[GROANS.]

[BEN.]
And how are we
feeling this morning?
Oh, peaches and cream.
How are you?
Curious, how many more rock-bottoms
are you gonna have to hit
before you start taking
care of yourself?
[SIGHS.]
I'm thinking
of a number between
11 and 25.

What ghost are you talking to now?
Oh, just another
just another old cowboy.

Texas is lousy with them.

They're usually pretty
cute, but this one is
this one is ugly and
dumb.

Is that really necessary?
[KLAUS.]
Mm-hmm.

You want some?
Klaus, if you're looking for
an enabler, look elsewhere.

Allison, your marriage is in trouble
and your rally turned into a riot.

If now's not the time
to do some drink party,
I don't know when is.

What happened?
Oh, where to begin? [CHUCKLES.]

My claustrophobic cult tracked
me down, I fell off the wagon,
and I professed my undying love for
[BELCHES.]

this young gay man who
doesn't know he's gay yet
at a 1963 diner in front of
his blatantly closeted uncle.

Yeah, well, not in that order, but
Mmm!
- Aren't we a pair? [SNIFFS.]

- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.

- Oh, Jesus.

- [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]

- [FLASK CLATTERS.]

- Hey, uh, excuse me.

- Attagirl.

- [ALLISON.]
I've got a blender
and some much better booze.

So, if we're gonna start day-drinking,
we should do it right.

- [WHIMPERS.]
I love you so much.

- [CHUCKLES.]

Yeah.
Yeah!
Oh!
- [CHICKENS CLUCKING.]

- [COW MOOS.]

- [ROOSTER CROWS.]

- [SOFT GUITAR SONG PLAYS ON RADIO.]

Morning.

Hey.
Is that coffee?
Want some?
- What time is it?
- [SISSY SIGHS.]

I don't know, and I don't care.

Yeah, you do.

Oh, my God.

I think we've earned a day off.

Okay, half a day.

A few hours.

Hush up.

What is it?
Do we need to talk?
- A-About
- Do you want to?
[SISSY SIGHS HEAVILY.]

Talking makes things real,
and real things end.

This feels sweeter than that.

You know yesterday when you were
talking about us running away?
- What if we could?
- [SISSY.]
Where would we go?
Somewhere safe for Harlan and
where we could be together like this
all the time.

I'd go there right now.

- [DOG BARKS OUTSIDE.]

- [SISSY CHUCKLES.]

- [DOG BARKS.]

- [HORN HONKS.]

[SISSY GASPING.]

Oh, shit.

Carl's back early.

[SIZZLING.]

[DIEGO.]
No, no, no, I don't understand.

They keep following me.

- [LUTHER.]
Wait, who?
- Those Dutch sociopaths.

They're Swedish, you idiot.

Hired guns paid to eradicate us
before we do any more
damage to this timeline.

Yeah, but why now? I mean,
I'm [SNAPS FINGERS.]

fine for three months
until you showed up.

Yeah, I was here for a year
and no one messed with me.

Even if it was my fault, which it isn't,
we only have six days before
the end of the world,
and the closest anyone's gotten to Dad
was that driveway at the consulate.

Well [SIGHS.]

that's not exactly true.

What do you mean?
I saw him.

- Oh, shit!
- [UPBEAT GUITAR INSTRUMENTALS PLAYING.]

[LUTHER.]
Diego!
Five?
Allison!
- Allis
- Allison!
Two-ninety-two
Two-ninety-three.

Hey, um, I'm seven cents short.

Uh give me what you got.

[LUTHER.]
Oh, shit.
[MUTTERING.]

Damn it.

Sorry about that.

Thanks.

[GROANS.]

That boy stinks.

[BRAKES HISSING.]

[UPBEAT GUITAR INSTRUMENTALS CONTINUE.]

[SIGHS.]
Home.

[EXHALES.]
"This is gonna sound crazy,
but, Reginald Hargreeves
I am your son.
"
[FOUR HOLIDAYS' "HE CAN'
LOVE YOU" PLAYS ON RADIO.]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING.]

[WOMAN 1.]
Let's get back
on that dance floor.

- Whoo-hoo!
- [WOMAN 2.]
Yes!
He can't love you ♪
- He can't love you ♪
- He can't love you ♪
[WOMAN 3.]
He stinks.

- He can't love you ♪
- He can't love you ♪
- He can't love you ♪
- Naw ♪
Don't you know that ♪
He just can't make it ♪
- Better ♪
- Better, better ♪
- Better ♪
- Oh, better than I can ♪
Dad?
[REGINALD.]
Please, the world's never
going to end in such a cliché.

Believe me.

I know how endings feel.

Reg, with all these bombs
and big red buttons,
we're bloody close to
the end of the world.

- Even a fool can see that.

- [REGINALD.]
I will give you this:
the physics of numerous quanta
tells us that we cannot be
certain about anything,
especially if time is concerned.

Even if you knew everything
there is to know about right now,
you could never predict
what will happen next.

We don't live in a universe of rules,
we live in a universe of chances.

Some events, however,
are more likely than others.

For instance, it is a near certainty
that in the next few minutes,
I am going to get another
glass of champagne.

[GROUP LAUGHS.]

Would you look at that?
This is gonna sound crazy, but, uh
I'm your son.

No, you're not.

- But, no, I'm I'm from the future.

- [REGINALD.]
No, you're not.

You adopted me and six
other children in 1989.

- No, I didn't.

- I
I know about the moon base.

I know about all your
experiments with monkeys.

Apes.

Look, I know everything about you.

Please
I need your help.

Listen, I don't know who sent you
or what you want,
but you can run back to
your masters at CIA or KGB
and tell them that this is
the most ridiculous gambit
- in spycraft history.

- What? Why?
Why is it ridiculous?
You know time travel is possible.

Time travel isn't the problem.

I have a deep dislike of children.

I do not have them, nor
do I intend to have them,
but if for some reason I did,
I would expect more from
them than a scruffy face,
poor hygiene, and your grotesque,
simian proportions.

But
I took a bus.

I don't care.

Now, take yourself and the stench
of failure that encircles you
and get out of my house.

- [PEOPLE WHISPERING.]

- [SOMBER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING.]

- [DIEGO.]
That's pathetic.

- [LUTHER.]
Yeah, well,
- at least he didn't shank my ass.

- [DIEGO.]
No, bro,
he shanked your heart.

[LUTHER.]
Mm.

Is that my bathrobe?
No.

[FIVE.]
Look, who cares what he shanked?
- He knows something about time travel.

- [ELLIOTT.]
Um
Wait, why don't you just do your
thing and, uh, time travel us out?
Anyone care to explain?
First time he tried, he got
lost in the apocalypse.

Second time, he ended up
without hair on his balls.

Last time I tried,
I scattered my family across
three years in Dallas, Texas,
possibly triggering a doomsday.

Any more questions, Elliott?
- Uh, no.

- [DIEGO.]
You're missing the big picture.

Dad is the ringleader
of a sinister cabal
that's planning to kill the president.

- A cabal?
- [FIVE.]
Ignore him.

Look, the way I see it,
we only have one option.

[LUTHER.]
Oh, yeah? And what's that?
It's time to get the Umbrella
Academy back together.

Hell, yeah.
Family meeting.

Okay then, can one of
you get Allison, please?
You two still a thing?
- Do we need to talk?
- No, she's married.

Whoa.
Dude, that's rough.

I can handle it.
[CHUCKLES.]

I'll get her.

Can you get Vanya without,
uh, squeezing her to death?
I'll try.

Wait! D
Uh
What should I do?
Prepare for company.

[CARL.]
Oh, you should've seen it.

He said, "All the HoJo's in
the Southwest District.
"
And I said, "All the HoJo's?"
'Cause I wasn't sure
if I heard him right.

And he said, "Yup! All the HoJo's.
"
Vanya, did you hear the news?
How would she, Carl? She doesn't
subscribe to Showerheads Today.

[CARL.]
I'm in such a good mood,
I'm gonna let that jape
pass without comment.

[SISSY.]
That is a comment.

[CARL.]
Vanya, you are lookin' at the man
who has closed the biggest deal ever
for Waterton Shower and
Shower Accessories Limited.

That's great, Carl.

[CARL.]
Thank you, Vanya.

You see, Sissy?
That is how you congratulate the
consummate conquering breadwinner.

Carl, stop.

Baby, I got such a day
planned for the three of us.

First, we'll hit up the Egyptian
Room breakfast buffet,
then watch some mutton bustin',
and then take it to Cattlemen's
for a big ole steak.
Mmm
Hey, Vanya.

Why don't you go ahead
and take some time off?
- [CARL CHUCKLES.]

- [SISSY.]
Carl, stop.

[SISSY.]
Not in front of Harlan.

[CARL SCOFFS.]
Harlan don't care.

I just want a kiss.

- Can't you wait till we're alone?
- [BUZZING.]

[CARL.]
No, baby.
No, I can't.

- Well, you're gonna have to.

- [VANYA.]
Carl.

- Stay out of this, Vanya.

- [CARL.]
Sissy.

- [BUZZING GROWS LOUDER.]

- The hell's going on with you?
I'm just sick and tired
- of you not listening!
- [SLAMS TABLE.]

[CARL.]
Well, I'm sick and
tired of having to fight
for your goddamn attention.

Are you my wife or not?
- [GLASS CRACKS LOUDLY.]

- [THUNDER RUMBLES.]

[CARL.]
What in the hell was that?
Harlan, honey?
Let's get your shoes on.
Come on.

Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.

Just spending the day with my family.

[DOOR SHUTS.]

Did you set me up?
- Sweetie, really?
- Those Nordic shitwits?
You said they were Commission.

You said they were on our side.

Well, I was in the process
of executing our mission,
my mission that you gave me,
and they got in the way.

- Oh, my.

- And now my cover's blown.

Five wants to kill me, and I don't know
what the hell it is you're after.

Did you bring me what I asked for?
[LILA.]
Here.

Diego's knife.

- [HANDLER.]
Sit.

- No.

Yes, you're bleeding,
and all that rage is bad
for your complexion.
Sit.

[LILA.]
Fine, but I'm not
done being mad at you.

[HANDLER.]
You're right.

I have been lying to you.

Commission
- has no idea
- [GASPS SOFTLY.]

- that we're here.

- So, what are we doing here?
We are
making something right
that has been wrong for
a very, very long time.

Just about done with your riddles, Mum.

Oh, are you just about done now?
You've done a couple missions,
now you know everything?
Huh? Is that it?
Huh?
Big Lila, all in charge,
not trusting her mother,
her mother who yanked her
out of that horrid little slum,
her mother who rescued her from
those gin-addled, neglectful parents,
her mother who taught her
how to live, how to love,
- how to survive?
- You just said you lied.

You lied to them and they lied to me
and everybody lies to everyone else.

Grow up, buttercup.

Ow.

[HANDLER SIGHS.]

If I thought you needed
to know the truth,
I would've told you the truth,
but you didn't, and so I didn't,
and everything worked out just fine.

No, it hasn't.
I lost Five.

Is he dead?
No.
But he kicked me out
of his merry little band.

- Ugh.
Your wound is weeping.

- Oh.

Oh, my dear, that
- that's not a problem at all.

- Why not?
Well, because
I have a very busy day scheduled for us.

Oh Ugh.

[ELLIOTT.]
Y'all know,
Jell-O used to be a delicacy.

You know, in order to make it,
you gotta boil down a
whole mess of hooves
you know, horses, cows,
pigs, it doesn't matter.

But not everybody has a mess
of hooves just lying around.

It wasn't until, uh
a couple of sassy New Yorkers
figured out how to dry it
out so that the rest of us
could have a a chance
to enjoy this ambrosia.

If we have some, will you shut up?
Maybe.

Here.

How you feeling?
Pretty shitty, to be honest.

Where would you say you are
on a scale from one to
ending all life on this planet?
Really?
Diego, put the knife away,
you idiot.
She's fine.

The last time I saw this one,
she had me suspended midair,
sucking the life out of
me with energy tentacles.

I think I'm allowed a
little time to process.

Oh, I would love to see
an energy tentacle.

I don't remember what
I did, but I'm sorry
if if that means anything.

It does.

Just going through a lot right now.

There's this
girl that I like.

I thought she liked me,
but turns out that she's
- [DOOR OPENS.]

- [ALLISON LAUGHS.]

Oh, thank God.

[ALLISON.]
Is anyone here?
Hello?
[KLAUS.]
Le petit mort, le petit mort.

[ALLISON.]
What?
- You don't speak French.

- [KLAUS.]
It's "the little death.
"
- [BOTH CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY.]

- [ALLISON LAUGHING.]

[KLAUS.]
Oh, wow.
Look at this old stuff.

Oh, wow.

I know this is impossible, but
did we all get sexier?
Vanya.

I can't believe I have a sister.

I missed you.

Thank God someone did.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]

[BOTH CHUCKLE SOFTLY.]

- [KLAUS GRUNTS.]

- Oh, you are drunk.

Yeah.
No, just a little just a few
Oh, that's so sweet.

- No.
Jesus.

- [VANYA GIGGLES.]

- Hi.

- Hey, Vanny.

Klaus.
Is Ben here?
Oh, uh no.

No, unfortunately,
ghosts can't time travel.

Are you kidding me?
[FIVE.]
All right, then.

Let's get down to business.

- [KLAUS.]
So, Vanny, what's new?
- Hey, Diego.

- Can't say hi to nobody?
- Hi, Allison.

What was that?
- Hi, Allison!
- Thank you!
[PURRING.]

[CATS MEOWING.]

Why are we here?
[HANDLER.]
You were
always a climber, darling.

[PURRING.]

[CAT YOWLS.]

[VACUUM WHIRRING.]

[CAT MEOWS.]

[SHUSHING.]

[LOUD THUDDING ON ROOF.]

[CLATTERING.]

[VACUUM CONTINUES WHIRRING.]

[CATS MEOWING.]

[MEOWING.]

All right.
First off,
I wanna say I'm sorry.

I know I really screwed
the pooch on this whole
going-back-in-time-and-getting-stuck
thing.

But the real kick in the pants here
is we brought the end of the
world back here with us.

Oh, my God, again?
All of you knew?
Why am I always the last one to
find out about the end of the
Oh, my God.

My cult is gonna be so pissed.
Five!
I told them we had until 2019.

We have until Monday.
We have six days.

Is it Vanya?
- Klaus.

- [KLAUS.]
What? It's usually Vanya.

Do you have any leads, Five?
[FIVE.]
Yeah, we have one.

- Holy shit, is that Dad?
- Yeah.

- That's him?
- [DIEGO.]
Standing on the grassy knoll.

Diego and I have been
trying to talk to Dad
about what exactly this means.

- So far, we've got nothing.

- Not nothing.

- He's planning to kill Kennedy.

- [FIVE.]
Maybe.

But we don't know who or what
sets doomsday in motion.

Could be Kennedy, could be
something entirely independent.

But if we know something
changes the timeline,
we have to make it right.

Yeah, but how, if we don't
know what's broken?
[DIEGO.]
Come on.
Do the math.

We know Dad's having shady-ass
meetings with some shady-ass people.

We know he's on the grassy knoll
in three days to kill the president.

So I think we all know
what we have to do.

- Find Dad.

- [DIEGO.]
Kill Dad.

None of us are supposed
to be here, right?
I mean, what if it's us?
Has anyone here done anything
to screw up the timeline?
Diego's been stalking Lee Harvey Oswald.

And you're working for Jack Ruby.

Allison has been very
involved in local politics.

- Okay, you started a cult.

- Thank you!
- I'm I'm just a a nanny on a farm.

- [GROWLS, HISSES.]

I don't have anything
to do with all of that.

Well, maybe you do,
we just don't know it yet.

[DIEGO WHISTLES SHARPLY.]

Listen to yourselves.

Everything in our new lives
is connected to Kennedy.

That can't be a coincidence.

Luther works for Ruby, Allison
is protesting the government,
Dad is on the grassy knoll, Klaus is
doing something weird and
pervy but probably related.

See, clearly,
we were all sent back here
for one special reason:
saving John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

[OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS.]

[ARGUMENTS CONTINUE.]

- [DIEGO.]
This is bigger than all of us.

- [FIVE.]
Guys, you all die.

I was there.
I saw it.

And I wanna forget it, but I can't.

I saw Russian nukes vaporize
the world with all of you in it
in a war that never happened
until we brought it here.

And Hazel gave his life to save us,
so you may need to shut
up and just listen to me.

I don't know if the things we've
experienced here are all connected.

I don't know if there's a
reason for everything.

But Dad will.

We need to talk to him
before everyone and
everything we know is dead.

Okay, I'm out.
[SIGHING.]

Did you even hear me, Luther?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.

I heard a 58-year-old man
who still wants his daddy
to come and fix everything.

Well, you can count me out.

It's time we all grew the hell up.

- [VANYA.]
Luther!
- Come back.

- [KLAUS.]
Where you going?
- [LUTHER.]
Save it, Diego.

[LUTHER SIGHS.]

No one leaves until we figure this out.

[FIVE GRUNTING.]

Jeez
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]

When did the monkey
learn how to fight dirty?
[ROCK CLATTERS.]

Son of a bitch.

You know, I could really go for
some tacos right now.
Allison?
- Tacos?
- Shouldn't we wait?
You know those guys.

I mean, it could take forever
for them to bro it out.

Vanya, tacos?
Is there any way that tacos are
gonna cause the end of the world?
[SCOFFS.]

I mean, there's only one way to
find out, right? [SNAPS FINGERS.]

- [ALLISON.]
Sure is.

- [KLAUS.]
Let's go!
[GIGGLES.]

I've missed you all
so much.

[SIGHS.]

- What's going on with you, big boy?
- Ugh, leave me alone, Diego.

Huh? So, what, you're just gonna
sucker punch Five and haul ass, huh?
Look, maybe trying to stop doomsday
is exactly what starts it.

- Did you ever think of that?
- Oh, so we do nothing?
Since when are you a quitter?
Since the last time I
destroyed the world
by overestimating my own importance.

So this is about you never living up
to the old man's
expectations bullshit, huh?
[SCOFFS.]
Maybe.

I don't know, I mean, we're all
crazy where Dad's concerned.

Oh, I'm not.

He's an asshole.
I'm awesome.

That's very simple.

Have to understand that, okay?
Okay.

So why can't you leave JFK alone, hmm?
I'm a hero.

- Heroes stop crime.

- [LUTHER.]
No, no, no.

No, Dad told you you're a hero.

Right? He told all of us.

But what if he lied?
What if we're just a bunch of
freaks who have no business
changing the world for everyone else?
No, everyone changes the world, Luther.

Everyone.

And it's scary, but
that's kinda the deal.

You know, you are so goddamn big,
sometimes I forget what a
sensitive bastard you are.

It's all gonna work out.

- We're on the right path.

- Oh, yeah? How do you know?
There's a long, black car
that's been following us
since we left Elliott's.

Six o'clock.

[DIEGO.]
"To my pursuers: I
- Reginald Hargreeves "
- What?
" request the pleasure of
your company for a light supper
on the 20th of November,
1963, half past seven o'clock,
1624 Magnolia Street.
"
A "light" supper?
[ANDREA LITKEI & ERVIN LITKEI'S
"HEY DA DA" PLAYS ON RADIO.]

Hey Da Da, hey Da Da ♪
[ALLISON GROWLS, CHUCKLES.]

The nerve of that man.

I mean, one thing goes wrong,
and he's on a warpath.

I mean, doesn't know who I am?
No, no.
No, Ray,
you know exactly who I am.

- You just can't handle it.

- Pew, pew.

- [ALLISON.]
I'm protecting him.

- Pew, pew.

- [SOFT SLAP.]

- [KLAUS.]
Ow.
From what?
The end of the world, for one.

Is the world really
gonna end in six days?
Well, it did last time,
and we did everything Five
could think of to stop it.

Hey, wouldn't it be weird
if Five grew up all hot?
- Wouldn't that be weird?
- What?
- [ALLISON.]
Eww.

- [KLAUS.]
Oh!
"Oh, eww! Eww!"
Please, Miss "Luther was my lover.
"
- [KISSING SOUNDS.]

- We have never even kissed.

Yeah, but you guys were making
little sick moon-dog eyes at each other
all through puberty and
breakfasts and all that.

Aren't we all brothers
and sisters, or ?
- [KLAUS SNORTS.]

- Well technically, it
"Technically"? If you have to word
use the word "technically,"
you're already in trouble.

- [GIGGLING.]

- Okay, can can we focus?
I mean, clearly we're not saving the
world tonight, but maybe, maybe,
we could at least try
to save my marriage.

No!
No, because that's like
that's like asking a nun
how to hump someone's leg.

I mean, who in this room knows shit
about relationships? This one?
In secret love with some farm Frau.

- Her name's Sissy.

- Which is an improvement
on her previous love interest,
- the serial killer.

- What?
- Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch
- [WHISPERS.]
Later.

for a soldier I haven't
technically met yet,
and Luther is in love with his sister.

Okay, again, we are not biological.

Face it, the healthiest long-term
relationship in this family
was when Five was
banging that mannequin.

The only thing the Umbrella
Academy knows about love
is how to screw it up.

- [MAN.]
You're listening to KBOX, Dallas.

- [ALLISON AND VANYA.]
Cheers.

- ['60S MUSIC CONTINUES ON RADIO.]

- How do you guys deal with this?
What?
I mean, all of it.
The time travel,
seeing the dead, the end of the world.

[KLAUS.]
Well, I get really high.

Allison Allison
[WHISPERS.]
lies to herself.

And you suppress all your
emotions deep, deep down
until you you blow shit up.

Yeah, I'd really like
to not do that anymore.

Well, you've got six days, missy.

What the hell are we supposed
to do with six days?
[KLAUS.]
Party?
[SCOFFS.]
I don't know.

I'm gonna tell Sissy that I love her.

[SHARP EXHALE.]

I don't want any secrets.

Yeah.

[ALLISON.]
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Yes, 'cause, you know, if
if it's all gonna go tits-up,
the least I could do is be
honest with my husband.

Oh does that mean
I have to face my cult?
I just hate group breakups.

It's why I stopped dating twins.

This family's amazing.

[KLAUS CACKLES.]

- Yeah, sure.

- Okay,
let's not get ahead of ourselves.

[KLAUS.]
Come here, Vanya.

Come on.

Get over here.

- [KLAUS.]
I love you guys.

- [ALLISON LAUGHS.]

[KLAUS GROANS.]

[GASPS.]
Oh! You guys!
I love this song!
[SAM COOKE'S "TWISTIN'
THE NIGHT AWAY" PLAYS.]

Let me tell you about a place ♪
Somewhere up a New York way ♪
Where the people are so gay ♪
And they're twistin' the night away ♪
They're twistin', twistin' ♪
Everybody's feeling great ♪
They're twistin', twistin' ♪
They're twistin' the night ♪
- Let's twist a while! ♪
- Lean up ♪
Lean back ♪
Now twist ♪
Now lean back ♪
Watusi! ♪
Now fly ♪
Now twist ♪
They're twistin' the night away ♪
Twistin', they're twistin' the night ♪
One more time ♪
Lean up ♪
Lean back ♪
Lean up ♪
Lean back ♪
[SONG FADES OUT.]

- [ALLISON LAUGHS.]

- [ALLISON AND VANYA SIGHING.]

[SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS.]

[BIRDS TWITTERING.]

[BUZZING.]

[TWIGS CRUNCHING.]

[METALLIC CLINK, WHIRRING.]

[TRAIN RUMBLING ALONG TRACKS.]

[TRAIN HORN BLOWS.]

[THE INTERRUPTERS' "BAD GUY" PLAYS.]

Whoo [ECHOING.]

Hey [ECHOING.]

Whoo [ECHOING.]

Hey [ECHOING.]

What's your game, crazy lady?
Who cares? You said if you
saw me again, you'd kill me.

- Oh, I remember.

- Well, come on, big talker.

- Let's get this done.

- All right.

- [GRUNTS.]

- [LILA CHUCKLES.]

So criminal ♪
Bruises on both my knees for you ♪
Don't say thank you or please ♪
I do what I want when I'm wanting to ♪
My soul, so cynical ♪
So you're a tough guy ♪
Like it really rough guy ♪
Just can't get enough guy ♪
Chest always so puffed guy ♪
I'm that bad type ♪
Make your mama sad type ♪
Make your girlfriend mad type ♪
Might seduce your dad type ♪
I'm the bad guy ♪
Duh ♪
[LILA.]
I'm waiting.

- I'm the bad guy ♪
- [LILA LAUGHS.]

Fed up yet, Five?
So you're a tough guy ♪
Like it really rough guy ♪
Just can't get enough guy ♪
Chest always so puffed guy ♪
I'm that bad type ♪
Make your mama sad type ♪
Make your girlfriend mad type ♪
Might seduce your dad type ♪
- I'm the bad guy ♪
- [LILA GRUNTING.]

- [LILA CRIES OUT.]

- [SONG FADING.]

[WHEEZES.]
You're better than I thought.

And you are entirely average.

[SOFT CHOKING.]

You can come out now.

Well done.

You figured it out.

Well, it wasn't very hard.

She fights like every one
of you Commission drones.

[HANDLER.]
Hmm.

No matter, here we are.

Together again.

I've gotta ask
did you miss me, you little shit?
[LILA COUGHS, LAUGHS.]

[SOFT, INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV NEARBY.]

[VANYA.]
Sissy.

[SOFTLY.]
Vanya.

Don't sneak up on me like that.

Where have you been?
Uh, family reunion.

Are you drunk?
Does it matter?
[SCOFFING CHUCKLE.]

[VANYA.]
What matters is
I have feelings okay?
And I I feel things for you.

- Vanya, now's not a good time.

- No.
Now's the only time.

'Cause how much time do we have left?
We could have years, we could have
days, but we only have one life.

And we gotta go with our hearts.

And my heart wants to go with you.

[CARL.]
Sissy!
What happened to that beer, girl?
Oh, shit.

You caught me naked as
a jaybird.
[CHUCKLES.]

I guess it was bound to
happen sooner or later.

- [BOTTLE CLINKS.]

- That's all right.

You're part of the family.

Don't you dawdle, now.

[SOMBER PIANO MELODY PLAYS.]

[DOOR SHUTS.]

You slept with him?
He's still my husband.

Who you don't love anymore.

Just be a little patient
- while I figure things
- What is there to figure out?
I see you.
I see you miserable.

- Who gets to be happy all the time?
- We can!
We were just talking about leaving.

Honey, that was just morning talk,
lies we tell each other to
get through the damn day.

We don't get to live our fantasies.

[SISSY SIGHS.]

You know, Vanya
[VOICE TREMBLES.]
maybe
when you can remember
what your real life was like,
you'll feel less inclined to
tell people how to live theirs.

You know nothing of the
pressures I'm under.

I know we're running out of
time for you to be brave.

What does that mean?
Six days.

We've got six days.

- Six days until what?
- I can't explain, okay?
- Just, we need to go now, please.

- [SISSY WHISPERS.]
Vanya.

- [VANYA.]
Please, come.
Please
- Vanya.
Vanya.
Vanya!
I can't.

[MY KULLSVIK'S "HELLO
(SWEDISH COVER)" PLAYS.]

[SISSY.]
Vanya.

- [PANTING.]
Vanya, wait!
- [DOOR OPENS.]

- [DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]

- [SISSY SIGHS.]

[BUGS CHIRRING.]

[MY KULLSVIK SINGS IN SWEDISH.]

[SCREAMS.]

[FOLLOWERS MURMURING.]

["HELLO (SWEDISH COVER)" CONTINUES.]

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]

Daddy's home.

Ray?
Sit your ass down.

Sit down.

Now, I I've been doing
a lot of thinking and
and I've decided
[ALLISON EXHALES SHARPLY.]

I'm gonna tell you everything.

["HELLO (SWEDISH COVER)" CONTINUES.]

[SONG ENDS.]

[ROCK VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING.]

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