The Umbrella Academy (2019) s02e08 Episode Script

The Seven Stages

I'm Special Agent Willy Gibbs of the
Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Where's Sissy? I need to talk to her.

Cooper and the boy
have been released back into
the custody of Mr.

What's your last name, Vanya?

Do you have any ID that
could attest to that?
No driver's license, birth certificate?
- You from around here?
- No.

I'm I, uh I'm I'm not sure.

You're not sure.

Well, I told the other
officer I was hit by a car.

- I have amnesia.

- Right.

Yes, amnesia.
They told me about that.

So how does that work, exactly?
I can't remember anything
from before a month ago.

Except your name, of course.

Yeah, except my name.

Far as I can tell,
it's like you simply
materialized out of thin air.

Welcome to my world.

That's a Russian name, isn't it?
I'm not Russian.

If you have amnesia,
how can you say for sure?
In fact, I'm curious as to how you
know your first and last name
- but you don't remember anything else.

- I don't know.

How did you send those troopers flying?
I'm sorry, I don't know.

What are you doing here in Dallas?
I don't know!

You speak Russian.

- I I don't I
- Wonderful.

- I must've just learned a little as a kid.

- A little?
I think you speak it very well.

What I want to know is,
how does a young woman
who says she isn't Russian,
but speaks Russian,
end up working as a nanny
to some simple-headed boy
in the middle of nowhere, Texas?
I need to make a phone call.

I have the right to
make a call, don't I?
If there is one thing
the FBI takes seriously,
it is a Communist
threat to this country.

Now, I want answers,
real answers,
and I will do whatever
it takes to get them.

You're not going anywhere until
I find out who you really are.

Now what?
Now nothing, Luther, all right?
- Make your peace with God.

- What?
What about Allison and Vanya?
Screw them both.

They should have been here.

What about Diego?
He's quite a responsible young man, no?
- Something must've happened to them.

- Screw Diego, all right?
Screw everybody!
I was better off on my
own in the apocalypse.

Five! Come on.

You know what, Luther?
It's every sibling for himself now.

How 'bout that?
Did Five just get meaner?
Klaus, go check on Allison, okay?
Make sure she's okay.

Find the others and we'll meet
back here.
I'll handle Five.

And you,
you have had your possession
privileges revoked.

I regret nothing.

- Just stay out of me.

- I regret nothing!
Back off!
Hey! Five, doomsday is still coming.

- We gotta think of a new plan.

- Don't you get it, Luther?
It's over, all right?
We're already dead.

Then where are you going?
I'm going to do the unthinkable.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?
I was really hoping it
wouldn't come to this.

Come to what, Five?

Come to what?
Oh, sweet Jesus, what
the hell are we gonna do?
- It's okay, it's okay.
Calm down, Ray.

- Calm down?
Allison, you killed a
vacuum cleaner salesman
in our goddamn living room.

Okay, technically,
his brother killed him.

And they were not here to sell vacuums.

There is a giant dead
white boy on our couch.

Yeah, you know, I'll admit,
that doesn't look good.

Oh, we're done.

The movement is finished, Allison.

They're gonna give me
the chair for this.

They're not gonna give you the

Hey, Ray-Ray.
I'm so sorry
it's late, but, uh
Klaus, now is not a good time.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Allison! Hey!
I was so worried about you.

Thank God you're okay.

What's, uh What's the matter?
You guys have been wrastling
in here or something?

Oh, I see.

It's gonna be one of
those kinda nights, huh?
So, are we burnin' or buryin'?
I heard a rumor
you killed your brother.



- Are you kidding me?
- You said I could hire my own team.

Yes, but I didn't mean
him, for God's sake.

If you don't see the problem with
hiring you-know-who's brother,
then you're not ready for that badge.

Look, I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I really need to get going.

Shut up!
I can't do this job if you
don't trust my instincts.

Sweetheart, your vagina needs
He is not worth it.

Mum! Oh, my God.

This may shock you, but not
everyone here likes you.

Sounds ridiculous, but go on.

You need fresh blood loyal to
us and not the old regime.

I've seen Diego in the field.

He is so much better trained
than most of the assholes here.

Why waste that when we can use it?
He'll be my personal responsibility.

You know, your brother Five and I
we have quite
a colorful history.

My brother has beef with everybody,
me included.

Let me ask you something.

When you're looking down
the barrel of a gun,
where do your loyalties lie,
with your family or your principles?
With me.

I don't belong to anybody.

Especially Lila.

That I can work with.

Run him through orientation,
fill out his start paperwork.

if he ruffles even one feather,
you will kill him yourself.

- Understood?
- Thanks, Mum.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing in here?
Not sure what I could say that would
overwrite the obvious.

Fair enough.

New question, then.

Why are you doing it?
Are you involved in somethin' nefarious?
Quite often.
Did you have
something more specific in mind?
That That shaggy
man at the consulate,
the one who chased after
us with the little boy.

- Calls himself Diego.

- Yes, that's the one.

He thinks that you want
to harm the president.

I see.

You take the word of
lunatics these days?
Not over yours, but these
these photographs,
they're all about the president's
visit tomorrow, aren't they?
You know there are aspects
of my work I cannot discuss.

You've always respected that line.

I don't need to know
the details, Reggie.

I just need to know that
you're not involved
in what I'm afraid you might be.

What are you really afraid of, my dear?
There's so much about
you I don't understand.

I could say the same about you.

I want to share my
life with you, Reggie,
but I need to know you're a good man.

I need to know you would
never hurt the president.

As I said, there are elements in my life
that I can't discuss with you.

I hope to share it all with you.

Until then
I'm asking you to trust me.

I can't wait that long.

I'm sorry.


Five, what
You okay?
- I'm gonna need to be hydrated.

- Hydrated?
What's with the baby powder?
It'll help with the itching.

What itching? There's itching?
What the hell is going on here?
You do have a plan.

Well, it's a desperation move, but
since our brain-dead siblings
are incapable of meeting
a simple deadline,
I got no choice.

- No choice about what?
- I have to find myself.

I just arrived in Dallas 15 minutes ago.

- Should I be worried about you?
- Luther, if you recall,
I was sent to 1963
on a job by the Commission
to make sure the president
was assassinated.

Oh! So, wait, your
old self is out there.


What, just walking around Dallas?
Walking around Dallas with a
briefcase that can get us home.

Oh, my God.
Five, you're a genius.

However, there are
two significant problems
with this plan.

Problem number one:
I am a trained assassin,
arguably the most dangerous assassin
in the space-time continuum.

If I know me, I'm not going to react
kindly to bumping into myself.

Problem number two,
and this is the real fly
in the ointment here:
you're not supposed to exist
in close proximity to yourself
in the same timeline.

The side effects can be disastrous.

Side effects? What sort of side effects?
Well, according to Commission Handbook
Chapter 27, subsection 3b,
the seven stages in
paradox psychosis are
stage one: denial,
two: itching,
three: extreme thirst and urination,
four: excessive gas,
five: acute paranoia,
six: uncontrolled perspiration,
and seven:
homicidal rage.

- Homicidal rage?
- Yeah.

Jeez, I don't know.

This maybe isn't such a good idea.

It's a Hail Mary.

But what choice do we got, Luther?
I don't know, you already seem a
bit squirrelly if I'm being honest.

Look, Luther,
I'm gonna need you to help me get
through this one, all right? I
I need a spotter.

- A spotter?
- Yeah.

What is that? Like, a wingman?
In case the paradox
psychosis gets too severe,
I need you to help me
stay on task, all right?
So, whatever happens, whatever I say,
we need to get that briefcase.

- Okay?
- Okay.


- Luther, come on.

- Right.

So, they're questioning her now?
Well, I appreciate it.

Take care, now.

That was my brother.

Well, I hope you thanked him
for almost arresting me.

He says I was right.

Right about what?
The FBI thinks Vanya may
be some kind of KGB agent.

That's impossible.

We were both duped, Sis.

There's no shame in it.

Whatever she is, she's not who
she was pretending to be.

It's not your fault.

She led you astray.

That's what these commie
bastards are trained to do.

They prey on our weaknesses.

Turned us against each other.

Can't let 'em win.

What would a Russian agent
be doing out here on a farm?
Well, who knows?
Maybe she was just looking
for a place to hide out.

We don't know the big picture.

Now look here,
I think you should have a
talk with Reverend Moore.

- Carl
- We need to work through this, damn it.

Then we're gonna take us a trip.

Somewhere far away from here.

That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
Harlan needs a family,
not a nanny.

Vanya, wake up.

Open your eyes.

I just have a few questions for you.

It's all gonna be over soon.

- What are you doing to me?
- Move again and you'll regret it.

See? And that was the lowest voltage.

Only goes up from there.

- What is that?
- Now, just relax.

What is that?
Don't struggle.
Go with
it, or this can turn into
an extremely unpleasant
experience for you.

Now, let's start with a simple question.

Who are you?
Who are you?
Number Seven.

Number Seven.

Number Seven.

You're late for supper.

Sit down.

Come on, Vanya, who are you really?
Where did you come from?
Well, there I am.

Why don't we just grab
the briefcase and run?
Luther, I would never let that happen.

We're trained to guard these
briefcases with our lives.

- Right.

- Plus, it's the inherent paradox
where this gets tricky.

I'm endangering my existence just
being in the room with myself.

- Huh What do you mean?
- Luther, try to keep up.

If old me doesn't travel back
to 2019 like he's supposed to,
the whole thing unravels itself.

I cease to exist.
You got me?
I get you.

So our best chance is to talk with him,
- to reason with him.

- Ah.

He'll understand.

Trust me.

I know myself better than, uh
better than I know myself.

You just itched your neck.

- That's stage two of paradox psychosis.

- No, I didn't.

I didn't itch my neck.

Denial is stage one.

I am fine, okay?
Let's stay on task, shall we?
- What?
- Maybe I should go first.

- Why?
- Well, you'll freak him out.

Bumping into your own tiny doppelganger?
He will lose his shit.

Just let me break the ice.

- Okay.

- Okay.


What'd you call me, big man?
It's me.

Number One?

- How did you ?
- It's okay.

Everything is fine.
I can explain.

But first, I need to
introduce you to somebody.

Just promise me you won't freak out.

- What the hell are you talking about?
- Uh! Don't freak out.

No freak-outs.

All right.

Hey there, stranger.

It's a really big place.

Do not get lost.

Or what? You'll kill me?
Oh, you still mad about
that, you big baby?
No, I love being drugged and kidnapped
and threatened with murder.

Okay, well, let's just make sure
you're the best agent possible,
and no one has to worry
about who kills who, okay?
- Wait, Lila, I need to get outta here.

- Relax.

- No, I do not have time for this now.

- We have all the time in the world.

The timeline is your lifeline.

What is it you people do here, exactly?
Oh, that's the best part.

We protect the timeline.

You know all that lone
wolf superhero shit?
Tiny taters compared to
what you could do here.

Hold up, tiny taters, so the
Commission controls time?
Wait, like, everything in time?
Or more like we maintain
the correct timeline,
but, basically, yeah.

How the shit do you do that?
Well, come on, I'll show you.

Dropping off a new recruit.

Welcome to orientation.

Take this.

- Wait a second
- Okay.

Open your welcome package
and grab a seat.

All questions will be answered
at the end of the film.

- How long is this?
- Sit your ass down.

A better tomorrow comes
from an orderly today.

I really need this to work, so
don't screw it up.

Okay, bye.

Oh, hi there.
I'm Mr.

If you're watching this presentation,
that means you've made the best
decision of the rest of your life.

You've decided to join the Commission.

Over the next 90 minutes,
I'm gonna do my best
to show you around this old place.

You and I are gonna
have some fun together.

Here at the Commission,
you'll find a wide array of
exciting career opportunities
just waiting to be discovered.

Which department will be right for you?
Analyst: keeping us informed.

Operations: keeping us safe.

Infinite Switchboard operator:
the key to everything we do here.

In these rooms, we monitor
the entire timeline
and report any anomalies
we see along the way,
keeping the correct timeline
at all times.

Whatever your skill, education,
or comfort level with moral ambiguity,
the Commission has an exciting
career path in store for you.

Let's start with the tube room
this is nice, isn't it?
The three of us, together like this.


Somebody explain to me how it
is I'm having a pint of Guinness
- with my younger self.

- Older, actually.

I'm you, just 14 days older.

I have pubic hair smarter than you.

- How's that possible?
- I can explain.

You see, one hour from
now, on the grassy knoll,
before the president is killed,
you break your contract
with the Commission.

I already know you're thinking about it.

All those years in the apocalypse,
we never stopped worrying
about our family.

Well, today, you are going
to do something about it.

Today, you are going to attempt
to time travel forward to 2019.

However, you are going
to screw up the jump
and end up in this twip of a body,
trapped forever, small, pubescent.


Even if I was to believe you,
what am I supposed to do about it,
- not jump?
- No, no.

I need you to jump.

If you don't jump, I cease to exist.

What I need from you
is to jump correctly.

- I'm listening.

- The first time through,
I got the calculation wrong.

That's how I ended up in this body.

But now, I know the correct calculation.

What is it?
I'll be glad to tell you
in exchange for that briefcase
you're holding under the table.

Yeah, yeah, so you go back to 2019,
as planned, but this time
with the right math,
so you remain a full-grown man.

In exchange, we get that briefcase
that you no longer need.

Timeline restored, paradox resolved.

Everyone goes on existing
happily ever after.

That's quite a bit to take in.

What do you think?
I think
I need to piss.


Well, besides the flop sweat,
I think that went pretty
well, am I right?
No, no, there's something
Something doesn't feel right about this.

What What do you mean?
I don't trust him.

But he's you.


A tidy workspace is a happy workspace.

Bingo, the Infinite Switchboard.

All right.

How hard can this be?
Oh! Please don't hurt me.

Who the hell are you?
I'm Herb.
I'm an analyst.

I'm Diego.
I have a knife.

Yes, I can see.

It's very shiny.



It's an honor to meet
you, Mr.

You know me?
Everybody knows you.

I mean, you're Number Two.

You're a legend.

- Really?
- Mr.
Hargreeves, you can't be here.

Herb, is that any way
to talk to a legend?
You know how to work this puppy?
- I'm certified to operate the ISB, yes.

- Good.

I need you to look up a date:
November 22, 1963,
the assassination of John F.

Unauthorized use of
the Infinite Switchboard
is a clear violation of
company protocol 67D
Don't be such a tight-ass.

You don't understand.

- There's been a coup d'état.

- What's that?
- Cadillac?
- No.

The Handler has taken
over the Commission.

The whole place has gone
to heck in a handbasket,
and people are disappearing.

They would kill us both if
they caught us in here.

Well, you better get started
before they come get us.

One quick look, and then you gotta go.

My man.

Oh, no.
Why would you No, no.

Don't hurt the timeline.

That's a rule
that I intend to follow.

This one connects to that one

Here we go.

November 22, 1963.

This is it.

This is right before the assassination.

- Assassination?
- Pay attention.

The president is about to
turn into Dealey Plaza.

One more turn into Elm and
they're gonna start shooting.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell is that?
That's the FBI building.

Yeah, but why the hell
did it just blow up?
That's not supposed to happen?
No, that's not sup
He's driving away.
They didn't kill him?
- Holy shit.

- Oh Oy, that's no bueno.

It wasn't a gunshot, it was an explosion
we heard on the Frankel footage.

the attack on Dealey Plaza,
as the Soviets deny all responsibility.

Moscow promises a fierce response
in retaliation to American attacks.

Anchorage, Alaska,
has just been decimated
by the Red Menace!
The world braces as we find ourselves
on the brink of nuclear war.

All citizens take cov
That's what Hazel was trying to tell us.

I mean, this is what causes doomsday.

Do you have another angle
on the FBI building?
Watch this.


Vanya is the bomb.

Vanya is the bomb.

She will always be the bomb.

I need to get back to Dallas.


We need La Résistance.

You gotta be kidding me.

I know we don't look like much,
but we're resourceful.

Don't mess with case management.

Stand down, Dot.



Yeah, that's a waste of time.

Trust me.

Then why were you holding it when
I found you dead in the apocalypse?
No idea.

But the guy it belonged to
didn't end the world.
Vanya did.

- Timid little Vanya.

- Yep.

Is more powerful than
all of us put together.

Turns out, she was pissed
about the way we treated her
when we were kids,
so she destroyed the moon
and ended the world.

Fair enough.

- Yeah
- This is perfect.

We now know exactly what's gonna happen.

Yeah, except it, uh, already did.

Don't think, just listen.

Forget about the little jerk-off's plan.

It's way too complicated.

A much better plan is
for us to travel to 2019.

All we have to do is
make nice with Vanya,
stop her from destroying
the world.


Well, that's actually
- That's not bad, right?
- Yeah, yeah.

But what about Five?
I mean, you? I mean,
- the, uh, young you.

- That's not me.

That's a prepubescent photocopy
that got botched in the time jump.

- Besides, it's too late for him anyway.

- Too late?
Paradox psychosis?
Best thing we can do is put
him out of his misery.

You're You're saying to kill him?
You're thinking about this all wrong.

- We're not killing anybody.

- No
Look at me.
I'm Five,
and I will still be alive.

All we are doing is getting
rid of a mutant doppelganger.

Amputating a vestigial nipple.

are you sure you don't
have paradox psychosis?
I've never felt better in my life.

We good?
- We're good.

- You got a deal.

We gotta hurry.
Kennedy's en route.

Less than an hour until showtime.

Why are you so anxious to
get going all of a sudden?

You're getting paranoid.

Oh, am I?
Okay, let's roll.

She'll start talking soon enough.

Vanya, talking to us
is your only option.

Who is your handler? Answer me.

- Excuse me?
- We're all waiting.

- For what?
- The answer.

I I don't I don't understand.

So you're not prepared,
is that what you're saying?
- Well, prepared for what?
- It's not her fault.

She hit her head.

She can't remember anything.

She got overheated,
wiped her mind clean.

She's lazy.
Didn't study.

- No, no, that's not it.
- Maybe she's been faking it all along.

- She's just not ready for this.

- You're all wrong.

Number Seven deliberately
chooses not to remember.

Are you okay?
Of course I am.

Why wouldn't I be?
Something wrong?
- Just not hungry.

- Try it.

- It might help you remember.

- remember.

Vanya, what are you doing in Dallas?
Keep ignoring me and see what happens.

We will get you to talk.

Number Seven! Either you remember
or you will go to your
room without dessert!
What the hell's going
on with the lights?
She's not responding.

Let's help motivate her.

Are you here to kill the president?
God, why are people so much
heavier when they're dead?
You got a lot of practice at this?

Hey, so, what was it like
when I possessed you?
It was like sex with one
of the lesser Baldwins.

I mean, you can feel him
clattering around in there,
but do you really care?
Why? What was it like driving
all this hot business?
It It was like having no skin
but still wanting to
touch everything.

Oh, yeah.

One two
- Oh!
- Oh, good.

All right, you're both here.

All right, we gotta go.

Diego, Jesus!
Number Two, Three, and Four.

We almost have an Umbrella
straight flush here.

Ray, this is my other brother, Diego.

Hey, man.
Sorry to
crash in here like this.

Hey, who is this guy?
He worked with
Five at the Commission.

The Commission?
We monitor and maintain
the time-space continuum.


No, for real.
I was just there.

It's awesome.
I got to look at the timeline.

I know what causes doomsday.

It's Vanya.

Wait, what?
Gonna blow up the federal
building at Dealey Plaza
just as the president's passing
through in less than one hour.

We gotta find her and stop her, now.

- Wait, Vanya kills the president?
- No, no, no.

See, the explosion causes the motorcade
to drive off.
Kennedy lives.

Everybody thinks Russia's behind
it, including the president.

He strikes back, they strike back.

Before you know it, it's raining nukes.

- Okay, um
- Holy shit.

Ray? Ray, baby.

- Are Are you okay? Okay.

- No, I'm not okay.

First of all, this son of bitch
beams into our living room
with yet another one of your brothers,
and he's talking about stopping
one of your sisters from
blowing up some buildings,
and I got a dead man wrapped
up in my best rug, babe.

Okay, okay.
Can we
Can we Raymond.

Or we can have that shampooed.

We also provide body removal services.

I love you, Raymond Chestnut
and I really wish I had time
for the nervous breakdown
you so deserve.

But you have to go.

I have to go.

Hey, where's that new recruit?
The shaggy hair, caveman face?
No clue, sorry.

Loyalty isn't a choice,
it's a lifestyle.

Vanya, I don't wanna
keep doing this to you,
but I have a responsibility
to the public,
and I need to know who you are.

Eat up, it's getting cold.

- I don't want it.

- I know you don't want it,
but you can't pretend it doesn't exist.

I'm not pretending.

Of course you are.

You choose to live in a fantasy,
a land of make-believe
where you don't have to face
up to who you really are.

Rather than face the complexities
of your own existence,
you choose to hide
inside someone else's.

A silly life on a silly farm.

That's not meant for you.

I hope we find Vanya in time.

You can't deny your true self any
longer, even if you are afraid.

- I'm not afraid.

- Then eat!
One more bite, and you can go.

What the hell is happening?
We've gotta stop her.

You're going to have to terminate.

I'm trying! I'm trying!
How is she still alive?
I remember.

I remember.

Question, guys.

Who are we trying to save Vanya from?
But if they're all sucking ceiling right
now, why hasn't she stopped?
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