The Umbrella Academy (2019) s03e01 Episode Script

Meet the Family

1
[SUBWAY TRACKS RATTLING.]

[DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING.]

[MAN CHUCKLES.]

[WOMAN GIGGLES.]

[IN KOREAN.]
Are you okay?
Uh-huh.

[WOMAN GASPS.]

[BREATHING RAPIDLY.]

Your stomach! Somebody help!
[SCREAMING.]

[ALL SPEAKING IN KOREAN.]

[SCREAMING.]

[WAILS IN PAIN.]

[FLESH TEARING.]

[WOMAN SCREAMING.]

[SQUELCHING.]

[BABY GASPS FOR AIR, CRIES.]

[POGO.]
On the 12th hour of
the first day of October 1989,
16 women around the world gave birth.

This was unusual only in the fact
that none of these women had been
pregnant when the day first began.

Sir Reginald Hargreeves, eccentric
billionaire and adventurer,
resolved to locate and adopt as
many of the children as possible.

Extraordinary.

[THUNDERCLAP.]

[BABY MEWLS.]

How much do you want for it?
Surely you don't want to keep it.

[IN KOREAN.]
How much
do you want for him?
my grandson, I slice you in half!
Excellent! I like a spirited negotiator.

[THUNDER RUMBLING.]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]

["SOMETIMES" BY GERRY CINNAMON PLAYING.]

Sometimes, just sometimes ♪
Maybe more than some of the time ♪
I'm on a false ego trip ♪
Insecurity is rife ♪
I'm not the ideal person ♪
To be lecturing on life ♪
But if you wanna know ♪
Some things I've
learned about myself ♪
Being in sticky situations ♪
I won't bore you with the filth ♪
Breaking bones and sniffing gear ♪
Pouring blood and sweat and tears ♪
- [GRUNTS.]

- In a nutshell, I suppose ♪
It's the way the water flows ♪
Yeah, that's the way the story goes ♪
[CROWD CHEERING.]

[WOMAN IN CROWD.]
Love you, Marcus!
Sometimes, just sometimes ♪
Well, all right ♪
- Maybe all of the time ♪
- [RAVEN CAWING.]

I'm on a false ego trip ♪
Well, I'm a renegade of sorts ♪
I roam the concrete jungle ♪
Hunting idiots for sport ♪
- And now the cocaine scene ♪
- [CAWS.]

It picked me up and made me frown ♪
That's when joking says ♪
That music helps
the medicine go down ♪
Hey, it makes you feel alive ♪
More like demons of the night ♪
Flinging powder up your nose ♪
It's the way the water flows ♪
[CUBE SPEAKS.]

Hey, next round's on Christopher!
[PATRONS CHEERING.]

[CHRISTOPHER SPEAKS.]

[MAN.]
I said no
pepperoni.
No pepperoni, dumbass!
- You said no mushrooms.

- [MOCKING.]
I speak English!
So does my son.

We speak American, asshole.

You are an American asshole.

[STORE OWNER.]
Let go of me! Let go!
Get outta my store! Get out of here!
Don't look the same for you and me ♪
Drinking cider in a golf course ♪
Just a distant memory ♪
Down the park and pick a fight ♪
Popping pills all through the night ♪
That's the way the water flows ♪
[MAN GROANS.]

Yeah, that's the way the story goes ♪
This better be pepperoni.

Sometimes ♪
Sometimes ♪
[ALARM BLARING.]

Just sometimes ♪
Just sometimes ♪
[ALARM CONTINUES.]

[REGINALD.]
This isn't your home.

[ALLISON.]
What are you talking
about? This is the Umbrella Academy.

[REGINALD.]
Wrong again.

This is the Sparrow Academy.

Dad, who the hell are these assholes?
[UMBRELLAS.]
Shit.

Ben.

Is that really you?
And who are the weirdos on the balcony?
[REGINALD.]
They are the Sparrows.

My children.

[RUMBLING.]

[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING.]

[ENERGY TWINKLING.]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]

I'm sorry.
What do you
mean, your children?
That's not possible, old man.

[REGINALD.]
Of course it is!
I think I'd know, wouldn't I?
Everybody else can see Ben, right?
Cute hat, Sundance.

[REGINALD.]
They call
themselves the Umbrella Academy,
a group of scheming,
perfidious malcontents
who accosted me in the fall of 1963
when I was away on business in Dallas.

Be warned, they claim to be my spawn.

Claim? Look, Five, what
the hell is going on?
I don't know yet, but it's concerning.

- Is he telling the truth?
- Not the part about us being perfidious.

No, we're amateur-fidious, at best.

But we are his
children.
This is our house.

Yeah, yeah.
We, uh We grew up here.

- [MOCKING.]
"Yeah, we grew up here.
"
- [SNICKERS.]

I kind of think we
would have noticed you.

Hi.
I'm Luther.

Okay.
None of you belong here.

[FEI.]
Oh! Well, then.

I guess we'll just pack
our bags and move out.

[CHRISTOPHER SPEAKS.]

- [SPARROWS CHUCKLING.]

- You slay me, Chris.

I wasn't expecting company.
[SIGHS.]

This is the best I could do on short
[IN ROBOTIC VOICE.]

Short Short notice.

- Mom.

- Mom? She's a robot, you perv.

- It's not a robot.

- Hey, don't you call him that.

- Or what?
- Come closer and find out.

- Luther! Guys, chill!
- [BEN.]
Think I'm afraid?
- Stand down, Ben.

- Look at that! She's got a voice!
How about I hide that big
Rubik's Cube up your ass?
- Enough!
- [HISSING.]

[MARCUS.]
I don't know what
circus you escaped from
or how you got past our security,
but we're done here.

You got 30 seconds to
get out of our house.

And if we don't?
Then we'll have to settle
this the old-fashioned way.

[OMINOUS ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING.]

Agreed.

[NECK CRACKS.]

[OMINOUS MUSIC SWELLS.]

["FOOTLOOSE" BY KENNY LOGGINS PLAYING.]

I been working so hard ♪
- Get him, Luther!
- Keep punching my card ♪
- Eight hours, for what?
- Luther, what are you doing?
Protecting our honor, bro.

I got this feeling ♪
That time's just holding me down ♪
Oh shit! We're really good at this!
I'll hit the ceiling ♪
Or else I'll tear up this town ♪
Tonight I gotta cut loose ♪
Footloose ♪
Kick off your Sunday shoes ♪
Please, Louise ♪
Pull me off of my knees ♪
Jack, get back ♪
C'mon before we crack ♪
Lose your blues ♪
Everybody cut footloose ♪
Cut footloose ♪
Cut footloose ♪
Cut footloose ♪
- First ♪
- We got to turn it around ♪
- Second ♪
- And put your feet on the ground ♪
- Third ♪
- Now take ahold of your soul ♪
I'm turning it loose ♪
- Footloose ♪
- [SOUND OF CROWD CHEERING.]

Kick off your Sunday shoes ♪
Please, Louise ♪
Pull me off of my knees ♪
Jack, get back ♪
C'mon before we crack ♪
Lose your blues ♪
Everybody cut footloose ♪
- Footloose ♪
- Footloose ♪
Kick off your Sunday shoes ♪
Please, Louise ♪
Pull me off of my ♪
Pull me off of my ♪
Pull me off of my knees ♪
Jack, get back ♪
C'mon before we crack ♪
Lose your blues ♪
Everybody cut, everybody cut ♪
Everybody cut, everybody cut ♪
Everybody cut, everybody cut ♪
[SONG DISTORTS, SLOWS.]

Everybody cut footloose ♪
- [INHALES SHARPLY.]

- [SONG STOPS.]

[MARCUS.]
You got 30 seconds
to get out of our house.

- [ALLISON.]
And if we don't?
- [GASPS.]

[MARCUS.]
Then we'll have to
settle this the old-fashioned way.

Look, we just fought a literal army.

Okay? This doesn't need to get ugly.

Let's all just calm
down, and let's talk.

Psst.
Ben-er-ino.

You look so much better
alive than you do dead.

Am I right?
Except that haircut.

- What the hell did you just say?
- Come on, come on.

Stop with all the
hostility, Mr.
Grumpy Pants.

Oh wow.
Nice scar.

Muy macho.

Shut your mouth!
You shut your mouth and
just hug your brother
- [KLAUS GROANS.]

- Hey! What the hell?
- You didn't have to do that!
- Oh, I'm pretty sure I did!
- He did.

- [MARCUS.]
Get back!
- [VANYA.]
Luther, hey!
- Back off! [GRUNTS.]

["NO MORE HEROES" BY
THE STRANGLERS PLAYING.]

Oh shit!
Bad touch, Luther! Bad touch!
Sorry.

Whatever happened to ♪
Leon Trotsky ♪
[KLAUS BABBLES.]

All right.
Peace and love,
peace and love.
Here I come.

[KLAUS GROANS.]
Damn it.

Come at me, litter box!
[CHRISTOPHER SPEAKS.]

Hey! Listen, I have
amazing hair, all right?
This was era-appropriate!
[GROANS.]

That's all you got?
And Sancho Panza? ♪
Whatever happened to the heroes? ♪
You're alive.
That's
great.
Or possibly horrible.

- I'm not really sure yet.

- Is that some kind of weird smack talk?
It's more of an existential
problem, really, Ben.

Awesome.
Well, here's your next problem.

You know, even though
you're a total asshat now
[BEN CRASHES.]

it's nice to see you again, really.

[DIEGO YELLS.]

[CHRISTOPHER SPEAKS.]

Who's your daddy? I'm your daddy!
Who's your daddy?
[DIEGO SCREAMS.]

[RAVEN CAWING.]

I don't wanna fight you!
Aww! Did you wanna be best friends?
[VANYA GROANS.]

You know, for a blind
person, you're not bad.

Who says I'm blind, asshole?
[CAWING.]

[GRUNTING.]

Should I step in and help?
- Nah.
She's making a point.

- [FIGHTING GRUNTS CONTINUE.]

Popcorn?
[VANYA.]
My turn.

[VANYA SCREAMS, GRUNTS.]

Art snob, huh?
[DIEGO GRUNTS.]

[KLAUS.]
See? We're hugging!
This is progress!
Whatever happened to the heroes? ♪
- [ALLISON GRUNTS.]

- No more heroes any more ♪
No more heroes ♪
By the way,
I heard a rumor you
can't move.
[VOICE ECHOES.]

- Hit me.

- What?
- Come on.
Hit me in the face.

- Okay.

Hit me!
Whatever happened to the heroes? ♪
[BONES CRUNCHING.]

Whatever happened to the heroes? ♪
[ALLISON GROANS.]

I bet that hurt, huh?
- [GASPS.]

- No more heroes any more ♪
No more heroes any more ♪
Fast little guy.

[ALLISON PANTING.]

- Thanks.

- [FIVE.]
No problem.

Hey, short pants.
What's up?
Go help the others.

I'll handle this one.

- Okay.

- What are you, their mascot?
[JAYME GROANS.]

More like their ringer.

[HISSES.]

Ugh.

Hey, gross, all right?
The hell?
[EMOTIONAL STRING MUSIC PLAYING.]

Delores?
[WHISPERS.]
Delores?
[DELORES SPEAKING IN ITALIAN.]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN.]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN.]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN.]

[EMOTIONAL MUSIC SWELLS.]

Ugh.

Are they all perverts?
[FIVE GRUNTS.]

[GROANS.]

[PANTING.]

- [LUTHER GROANS.]

- [MARCUS.]
See?
- Bigger isn't always better.

- Is that what you tell your girlfriends?
[LUTHER GROANS.]

- [FEI.]
Thai food for dinner?
- I could go for pad see ew.

I'm in.
Marcus, Thai?
Why are you even asking
him? He hates Thai.

- What? Since when?
- Fine.
Italian?
- Absolutely not.

- I could do Italian.

[GRUNTS.]

[GROANS.]

- [MARCUS.]
We done here?
- [LUTHER GROANS.]
Nope.

[CHUCKLES.]
I don't run from a fight.

- Yeah, that's the wrong answer, dude.

- Let him finish him off.

[GRUNTS.]

Then let's end this.

[LUTHER GRUNTS.]

[REPEATED GRUNTS.]

[GROANS.]

[PANTING.]

- [MARCUS.]
Stay down!
- Luther!
Vanya!
[SLOANE.]
You again.

Luther, go! Get out!
[VANYA.]
No!
[VANYA GROANS.]

[SCREAMS.]

[ENERGY THRUMMING.]

Which one are you? Scruffy? Fatty?
Sad Girl? I forget the rest.

Who are these absolute psychopaths,
and why are they in our house?
Simple.
Once your oafish tribe
showed me what a poor job I
did with my first selections,
I adopted them instead of you.

Dad!
I'm not your father, young
man.
Not anymore.
Biscuit?
Klaus! We gotta go, man.

Now.
These guys are too good.

For you guys.
I'm loving it.

But you're probably gonna die.
Come on.

[SIGHS.]

- [GROANS.]

- [JOINTS CRACK.]

- [SLOANE GRUNTS.]

- Oh! Shit.

[GASPS FOR AIR.]

Hey, I'm sorry.
Uh, are you okay?
Yeah.

Hi.

I'm Sloane.

Hey, Sloane.

- [CHUCKLES.]

- Uh
- I'm Luther.

- Luther, we're leaving! Come on!
- Just a second
- [ALLISON.]
Come on! We gotta go!
[RAVENS SCREECHING.]

[SCREECHING.]

- Seriously?
- [ALLISON.]
Move, move, move, move!
[RAVENS SQUAWKING.]

The briefcase!
- What?
- No time!
- [LUTHER.]
I hate that he can do that!
- [ALLISON.]
Go! Shut it!
[LUTHER.]
Quick! Get in!
[RAVENS SCREECHING.]

[BOTH PANTING.]

Oh shit.

[POUNDING AND SCRATCHING AT DOOR.]

[ALLISON AND LUTHER GASP.]

- Oh shit!
- What do we do?
Haul ass!
Where's the briefcase?
Shit, it's gone!
[VANYA GROANING IN PAIN.]

Vanya, get out of there!
[VANYA PANTING.]

- [GROANS.]

- [GLASS SHATTERS.]

- [VANYA WHIMPERS.]

- [ALPHONSO COUGHS.]

[MARCUS SIGHS.]

[CHRISTOPHER SPEAKS.]

[SIGHS.]

[VANYA WHIMPERS.]

[MARCUS.]
It's over.

Go.

Don't come back.

[WHIMPERS.]

[ALPHONSO COUGHS.]

[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING.]

[ENERGY THRUMMING LOUDLY.]

[ALL GROANING.]

[LUTHER.]
Just gonna sit.
I'm
just gonna sit for a minute.

[LUTHER GROANS.]

That didn't go well.

No, not our best work.

- [JOINTS CRACKING.]

- Oh, I'm cracking.

You all right?
I don't know yet.

[LUTHER.]
I've just never had my
ass handed to me like that before.

It's like
Here you go.

It's your ass.

Okay, I think Luther's concussed.

Luther, how many fingers?
Oh my God.
Vanya.

[VANYA.]
Oh.
Thank God you're alive.

- You okay?
- [KLAUS.]
Apparently, so is Ben.

Yeah.
And he's a complete dickhead.

- They're all dickheads.

- [LUTHER.]
Dickheads who can fight.

Okay, next person to say "dickhead"
is getting a punch to the throat.

ALL: Dickhead.

Hey, did Dad tell you why
he was calling them his kids?
[KLAUS LAUGHS.]
He sure did!
You ready?
Dad was so repulsed by us back in Texas,
that he adopted an entirely
different group of children
just so that he didn't have to raise us.

- That's just peak Dad.

- [LUTHER.]
Isn't it?
- So he just didn't want us anymore?
- [ALLISON.]
Did he ever?
See? I told you we shouldn't
have asked him for help in '63.

I think you're all missing
the big picture here.

If Dad didn't adopt us as
kids, he changed the timeline.

So who knows what else is different now.

Shouldn't you know?
Sorry, Allison, but
it might take me more
than 20 minutes and a
traumatic brain injury
to figure this all out.

Is that okay with you?
No, actually, it's not.

[VANYA.]
Guys, look, it's fine.

We still have the
Commission's briefcase,
so worst case, we can just
go back in time and fix it.

- Great.

- [FIVE.]
Okay.

There are two problems
with that statement.

- First off
- Here we go.

- Time travel is complicated, people.

- Yeah, we get it.
Your job is so hard.

Just what?
And secondly
I no longer have the briefcase.

Five, where the hell is the briefcase?
[ENERGY PULSING.]

[ENERGY THRUMMING LOUDLY.]

[ENERGY DRONING.]

[DRONING STOPS.]

What are we doing?
- Ruminating.

- Why is everyone staring at us?
Because we look like the damn
Village People just lost a fight.

- Gimme that.
Hey.

- Ow!'
- You know what? I need to go find Claire.

- Cut it out.

- I will catch up with you guys later.

- Hey, Allison, no.

First, let's get somewhere
safe, clean up those cuts,
and then we'll go find her.

Man, I hate those guys.

[LUTHER.]
Look at 'em with
their stupid smug
You can do it.
You can do it.

s s smug
smugness.

[SIGHS.]
Keep working on it, big
guy.
You'll land one, eventually.

But honestly, what are we doing?
We can't stand here
bleeding out in this park.

I don't know, but we better gear up fast
before they come for round two.

What makes you think
they'll come after us?
Because I would.

- Yeah, we did break into their house
- Our house.

bust up all their
nice antiques and shit.

Yeah.
I don't think
the crime-fighting
super nerds are gonna let that go.

Let's just think of
some place off the radar
where we can lie low
and not draw attention.

What kind of a weird-ass place
are we not gonna draw attention?
[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING.]

[CAR HORN HONKING.]

[POLICE SIREN WAILING.]

- [THUDDING.]

- [ALLISON.]
Oh.
Okay.
Honestly?
Okay.

[THUDDING CONTINUES.]

[ALLISON.]
We don't all
need to be squeezed
[FIVE.]
There were two
entrances, by the way.

Oh, Hotel Obsidian.
I missed
you, you slutty old dame.

Absorb her.

Absorb her into your bosom.

You know, 'cause back in her heyday,
she played host to world leaders.

Roosevelt, Gandhi,
Stalin, Gorbachev, Castro,
King Olaf of Norway,
one of the Kim Jongs,
Tito, Dalai Lama, Elvis,
and not one but two
Kardashians, allegedly.

[PHONE RINGING.]

- Wouldn't that Where you going?
- [ALLISON.]
I gotta make a call.

Nowadays, she's just a
flophouse, a party house
for those of us not looking to be
judged by society's rules and norms.

You mean, a place to hide?
Exactly! It's perfect!
And the best part of it is,
she's gonna look after us,
no questions asked.

Never ever.
Right?
Come on.

- I may have questions.

- [LUTHER.]
Yeah, me too.

This place is weird.

[PHONE RINGING.]

[PHONE LINE RINGING.]

[PATRICK.]
Hi, you've reached Patrick.

Leave a message after the beep.

- [BEEP.]

- Patrick.
Hey, it's Allison.

I know I've missed a few
calls home.
It's just, um
Well, it's, um
Anyway, um
I'll call Claire later.

Please tell her
that Mommy misses her.

[SHARP INHALE.]
So much.

[DIAL TONE HUMMING.]

[GASPS.]
Chet! Mon frère!
It's so great to see you.
I'd like
my usual suite, por favor.

- [BELL RINGS FAINTLY.]

- I've never seen you before.

- See? Told you.
Discreet.

- [DOG WHIMPERS.]

Please stop scaring my dog.

- We need some rooms, please.

- [CHET.]
Super.

And how will we be paying today?
- Ah.

- Oh.

[LUTHER.]
Fine.
Empty your pockets.

Come on.
Something.

- [LUTHER.]
Condom? Put the knife away!
- [KLAUS.]
Can't exchange those for cash.

Why do I have a hairnet?
[LUTHER.]
Oh.

[SIGHS.]
All right.

Ooh.

What does this get us?
Two rooms.

Mazel tov.

- Awesome.

- All right.

Well, let's Brady Bunch this bitch.

[FIVE.]
Uh, meet back in the bar
in two hours so we can make a plan.

[DIEGO.]
I have a plan.

We attack the Sparrows, and
we take back our house,
and then we punch Dad a bit
until he admits that we're better
and he loves us more.
Boom! Done!
We're wasting time!
Relax.
Don't sweat it, man.

Those shit birds are
staying put for a while.

I bet they're as wiped as we are.

- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean,
kicking our asses looked exhausting.

[UP-TEMPO ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING.]

Big one is strong but
slow, possibly stupid.

Some sort of simian hybrid.

Who took the little jumpy guy?
Me.
Just gave him a spanking
and sent him to school.

Hey-oh!
[CHRISTOPHER SPEAKS.]

The skinny one is their weak link.

Unless hiding behind couches shouting,
"Where's my daddy?" is his superpower.

[TREADMILL CHIMES.]

Enough post-gaming.
They
disrespected us, Marcus.

We need to be out there finding
these freaks and taking 'em out.

Oh, you mean like this?
[MUSIC STOPS.]

[TREADMILL CHIMES.]

Can someone explain how you got your
asses handed to you in 30 seconds?
Do you have any idea what
would happen to our reputation
if anyone had seen that?
[MARCUS.]
I mean, we haven't
faced decent enemies for years.

This could be good for us.

Good for business.

But only if we're smart
with our next move.

- [SIGHS.]

- [REGINALD CLEARS THROAT.]

You summoned, Number One?
Sit.

You spent time with these
people.
What's your assessment?
Unimpressive.

Neanderthals on a day pass.

Cried too much and showered too little.

The only thing they
lacked more than grit
was any regard for one another.

No loyalty.
We can use that.

Good.
Give a full report to Christopher.

[CHRISTOPHER SPEAKS.]

Still,
I wouldn't underestimate
the Umbrella Academy.

Yes, their skills are as
lacking as their hygiene,
yet somehow, they
saved the world in 1963.

Had they not,
none of you would be standing here now.

Perhaps I misjudged them.

[CHRISTOPHER SPEAKS.]

Yes, yes.
I'm going.

[EXHALES SHARPLY.]

[KLAUS.]
Not in this hotel.

[GASPS.]
Oh!
See? It's paradise.

High ceilings, sense of space.

Aromatic.

What the hell?
- Where's the bathroom?
- Down the hall, or
Nature's bathroom.

You're disgusting.

But consistent.

[FIVE.]
Let's unpack.
Settle in.

Unpack? Unpack what? We
don't own anything anymore.

Yes, Luther.
Isn't that liberating?
- What are you, a commie?
- [URINE TRICKLING.]

No! If I wanted bunk
beds and group showers,
I would've stayed in the Texas nuthouse.

- At least they had free Jell-O.

- [BED SPRINGS CREAK.]

- And Lila.

- [KLAUS.]
Jell-O!
- [BED SPRINGS CREAKING.]

- [FIVE.]
Hey, Diego.

I just spent the past 20
straight days saving the world.

Twice.

Can I get five minutes to relax
before figuring all the new kinks out?
Please and thank you.

And Dad said I'd never
go to summer camp.

[CHUCKLES.]
This is great.

[KLAUS.]
All right, I'm
bored.
Cocktail, anyone?
- Five?
- [DIEGO GRUMBLES.]

[FIVE.]
I'll take a
scotch if you have one.

- [LIGHT STRING MUSIC PLAYING.]

- [CATS MEOWING AND PURRING.]

[CLEARS THROAT.]
It's not too small.

It's definitely ugly.

[VANYA SIGHS.]

Last night, I was sleeping in my
own bed next to my amazing husband.

I kissed Sissy goodbye a few hours ago.

Give or take 50 years.

I'm glad you finally found
somebody that treated you right.

She saw me for who I really am.

I'm not ready to give that up.

I feel the same about Ray.

We better not have left them just
to die in some superhero turf war.

You need to go home.

Hug your daughter.

What if Diego's right
and the Sparrows attack?
We fought the entire Commission.

I mean, we can handle, what?
Seven jerks in uniforms?
They just caught us off guard.

Yeah.

You should go to the airport.

And get back to your real life.

I would if I could.

[ALLISON.]
Thank you.

You're a good sister.

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]

- [BABY CRYING.]

[DRAMATIC STRING MUSIC PLAYING.]

[MAN.]
Dumb mistake.

[BOY.]
Mom, my hands are wet.

[CRYING AND CHATTERING CONTINUE.]

[CRYING AND CHATTERING FADE OUT.]

[SOUND OF BEES DRONING.]

[DRONING CONTINUES.]

[CROWD CHEERING.]

[MARCUS GRUNTS.]

[HELICOPTER FLYING OVERHEAD.]

[GRUNTS.]

[CHEERING CONTINUES.]

[OMINOUS ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING.]

I'm glad we're doing this.

Whatever happens
between our two families,
the Number Ones should orchestrate it.

I'm Number Seven, actually.

Well, then somebody screwed up.

My brothers think you're
gonna come after us.

I don't want a war.

We've lost enough.

Then you shouldn't have
attacked us in our own house.

Look,
this isn't personal,
but we're the only
superhero game in town.

We have this place
under complete control.

But if your people
start taking shots at us,
it will give the sheep ideas.

We won't.
That's
And I'm just supposed to
take your word on that?
For your whole family?
You're not even their Number One.

And I'm sorry, but I can't risk that.

So if you came here to beg me
not to make the next move
I came here to tell you mine.

Tomorrow morning, when your
busloads of fans show up,
I'm gonna be there on your front lawn,
and I'm gonna call you out
for a fight, just you and me.

[SCOFFS.]

Why?
Because your team is good.

Better than mine, maybe.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]

[LOW RUMBLING.]

But I don't think you're
better than me, Marcus.

[OMINOUS STRING MUSIC PLAYING.]

I ended the world twice.

And you?
You're just meat in spandex.

And I bet you don't want
the whole world watching
when I prove that to you.

[CUP AND SAUCER CLATTERING.]

What do you really want, Vanya?
You have something I
need, and I want it back.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC SWELLING.]

[CAWING.]

[CAWING.]

[CAWING.]

He's making a deal with them.

I'll handle it.

[KLAUS.]
You should try chewing.

You might actually taste the food.

I haven't eaten in days.

- [LIGHT JAZZ PLAYING IN BACKGROUND.]

- What's wrong?
- You look happy.

- [FIVE.]
I am plenty happy.

Had a nap and a shvitz.

What does a man need?
Brothers who don't
eat like barn animals?
So I've been thinking through
our little timeline snafu,
and I'm pleased to report that in
my professional, expert opinion,
we are totally in the clear.

- Awesome!
- Huh!
- Great.

- Yeah.

- So everything's totally fine?
- More or less.

I mean, there is one small thing.

It's nothing we can't manage.

So spit it out, Boomer!
Fine, Diego, it's like this.

Dad didn't adopt us as babies, but
those babies still existed here.

Aww!
We just grew up in different
places with different people.

So?
So where are they now?
Odds are, we each have
identical versions of ourselves
walking around out there, living
completely different lives.

[GASPS.]

- Our doppelgängers!
- That's a made-up word.

No, no! I learned all
about this in Texas.

Tell him about the
paranoid psychosis, Five.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! I thought
you said this wasn't a problem.

Okay, yes, technically,
if you're near your doppel
for long, you'll go insane.

- So, if you see your other self
- Kill them.

- Sleep with them.

- Avoid them.

- What is wrong with you?
- Come on.

As if you wouldn't
climb Luther Mountain.

Wait.
How are we supposed to guarantee
we don't cross paths with ourselves?
Easy.
We're the Benetton
ad of superheroes,
born all around the world
until Dad brought us here,
which he no longer did.

Doppels probably aren't even
in the same time zone as us.

That's true.

- Yeah.

- Would you pass the moo shu?
[KLAUS.]
I don't know.

Doesn't it seem kind of rude
that Dad unadopting us
didn't change anything?
- I'm offended.

- Hold up.

- [FIVE.]
I never said that, Klaus.

- I'll be right back.

[KLAUS.]
How are we gonna
know where it changed?
[OMINOUS STRING MUSIC PLAYING.]

[OMINOUS MUSIC SWELLS.]

Hello, lover.

Holy shit.

You really came back.

You miss me already?
That's too bad.

I'm not here to stick around.
I'm
just doing a quick little drop-off.

Of what?
Our son.

[LILA.]
Diego, meet Stan.

Say hello, Stanley!
Hello, Stanley.

Wait.
What?
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, this is
[LILA MURMURS.]

Hey, this is a It's a joke, right?
That your boys can swim
fast? Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]

Joke's on me there.

I've had Stan for 12 years.

- [BELL DINGS.]

- It's time for you to do your part.

Have fun bonding.

Be good for Mommy.

[STAN.]
So
Do you got any food?
[ENERGY THRUMMING.]

Grace.

Have you seen a briefcase?
[GRACE HUMS.]

[MARCUS.]
What are you doing?
Worshiping.

[GRACE CONTINUES HUMMING.]

[ENERGY PULSING.]

Holy shit.

Yes.

It is holy.

Isn't it beautiful?
Grace, what is this thing?
A miracle.

I can't make out what
it's saying.
Can you?
[PULSING CONTINUES.]

It's just noise.

No, Marcus.

It's a message from God.

Listen.

[GASPS.]

I hear it.

[SHOCKWAVE PULSING.]

You mind your manners.

[INTENSE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING.]

[WHIMPERS.]

[SCREAMING.]

[FIVE.]
The point is, we
did it.
We saved the world.

We stopped the apocalypse.

And made it home safe
in time for dinner.

So whatever Dad changed,
whatever timeline we're in now
[WHISTLING.]

we can handle it.

We won.

We won.

[KLAUS.]
Yeah.

- All right.

- All right.

[INTENSE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC SWELLING.]

[ROCK VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING.]

Previous EpisodeNext Episode