The Unicorn (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

The Unicorn and the Catfish

His wife's funeral was almost a year ago, and they're still living off the meals people made for them.
- Hey, Wade.
- Hey, Tracy.
This man has no idea what catnip he is to these women.
MICHELLE: You are a devoted father, - you were a devoted husband.
- You are a unicorn.
You know, that elusive creature that all single women are looking for? Are you guys saying that all of these women are only into me - because my wife died? - Yup! You're factory-fresh, buddy.
MICHELLE: Delia, I thought you were crazy telling the kids to watch Chariots of Fire, but it was a huge success.
- They're all asleep.
- Nice.
Hey, Forrest, uh, thanks for taking the girls bowling last night.
Yeah, my pleasure, man.
Hey, how was your date with Lori? - How did you know her name was Lori? - (WADE CLEARS THROAT) - Because you told me.
- Nope.
(CHUCKLES) No, no, I, uh, right, be I said, "You told me," but I was gesturing towards Delia, who actually told me.
- How did you know? - Hmm? - Me? - Yeah.
Chelle Michelle? Forrest was on your dating app.
I'm not taking the fall for this one.
It wasn't just me.
We all knew about Lori.
Yeah, but the rest of us knew not to say her name.
In fairness to all of us, we did help create the account, - so it's kind of all of our account.
- No, it isn't.
Plus, Wade, you're new to dating.
So we just wanted to make sure that when women check you out, they see you in the best possible light.
Did you change my profile picture? DELIA: No, we did not change your profile picture.
We just found one that we liked so much better.
Just wanted you come off as cool and fun to be with.
- Yeah.
- And that you know how to dress.
- Women love men who know how to dress.
- Yeah.
Yeah, 'cause in the one that you had posted, and I'm sure it was a mistake, you were doing pistol fingers.
And my favorite movie is not Love Actually.
BEN: Yeah, bro, but for "favorite movie" you can't put "not really a movie guy.
" But I'm not really a movie guy.
- No! - You can't put that! Honestly, guys, I'm starting to think that you don't trust me with my own life.
I know it's hard to hear, but I'm glad we got that out on the table.
Look, I'm being serious.
I really need for you guys to respect my boundaries.
I mean, if I'm gonna have one food for the rest of my life, it's not gonna be tiramisu.
That one is on me because it's like pudding with a secret.
MICHELLE: We just wanted to spice it up a bit.
Sorry if we overstepped.
But, clearly, we were doing something right - if you got matched up with Lori and Teresa - Yes.
and Shannon and Who Michelle told me about.
I'm not taking the fall.
- Take a fall.
- No.
Hey, Dad, look.
Guess what's coming back? Passion Train.
Oh, that's that's that's great.
What is it? - It's a TV show.
- We used to watch it with Mom.
- Oh, is it good? - No.
It's bad, but we used to curl up in bed with her and laugh at how silly it was.
Well, I could watch it with you.
Yeah, no.
You wouldn't get it.
It's a girl thing.
Ah, well, uh, oh! I know a girl you could watch it with: Delia.
BOTH: Yeah - Michelle? - BOTH: Yes! - She's really fun.
We should ask her.
- Let's ask her.
- What are you doing? - (SIGHS) I'm changing my dating profile.
My friends keep messing with it.
I mean, look at this.
A quote by Maya Angelou? I didn't pick that.
You don't like Maya Angelou? Of course I do.
Everybody loves Maya Angelou, but I didn't pick it.
And now that I've read it, I'm gonna keep it, but still, I should've picked it.
You know what? I'm changing my password.
(GASPS) Oh, no.
(CELL PHONE BUZZES) Hi.
I'm with a patient.
- He locked us out.
- What? FORREST: I'm trying to log into his profile, it's not working.
- Did you try the word "password"? - FORREST: Yes.
And then I tried Grace and then Natalie, - and then I tried my birthday.
Nothing! - BEN: Your birthday? - Forrest, why would it be your birthday? - Because we're very close.
Wade is old-school.
I guarantee you he has his passwords written on a piece of paper.
You're saying we break into his house.
MICHELLE: No, I'm saying he has a key under the door mat.
- He's old-school.
- I blame Forrest.
He really blew it with that whole Lori thing.
Ben is the one who suggested Love Actually.
It's a good movie.
I don't know.
I could never get into Hugh Grant, you know? He's unassuming and likable, but he's better than me.
BEN: It is Wade's profile.
I think we're done.
Are you saying we're just gonna give up? I don't know if I can do that.
FORREST: Let me just try, real quick, my birthday plus the pound sign.
Damn.
Helen, this is great pumpkin bread.
(CHUCKLES) It's so moist.
How do you do that? Uh, Nat, come on, you got soccer practice.
NATALIE: Coming! So you look nice.
You going out? Yeah.
- W with a lady? - Yeah.
- Love you, Dad.
- I love you, too.
So you aren't gonna give us any more than that? Nope.
(DOOR CLOSES) DELIA: So the only intel that I could get from Michelle is that Wade went on a date, and when he pulled out of the driveway, - he went west.
- Mm-hmm.
Honey, is that another one of those boat magazines? Yeah, yeah.
Look at this 40-foot beauty right there.
Not an inch of fiberglass on this thing, all teak.
This is the one, right here.
- You know we can't afford a boat, right? - I know.
- Okay.
But someday, when our ship comes in - Uh-huh.
that could be our ship.
But, sweetie, we live two hours from the ocean, and you wouldn't be able to go to the bathroom on that boat because you can't even go at the mall.
On a boat, it's called "the head.
" - Okay.
Thank you.
- Okay.
Wade was a little hot under the collar today, huh? Yeah, he was, but you know what, honestly, I think we're driving him a little crazy.
Maybe we should trust his taste.
He'll find the right woman for himself.
Yeah, I mean, he found Jill.
We didn't even know him then.
Yes, he found Jill.
Obviously, he could see what an incredibly special person she was.
But what if that was a fluke? What if the next one's a real clunker? We'd be stuck with her, too.
She'd be with us at every soccer game and school play and we'd have to sit next to her at Grace's wedding.
- What if she's a yapper? - What if she doesn't drink? - What? - Oh.
No.
We will not stand by while our friend does this to us.
- You mean "to himself," right? - Well, that goes without saying, Forrest.
- Yeah.
- Oh, right.
Of course.
So, at my job, I just sit in front of the computer.
I really don't have that much to do.
So I was tooling around Mashnote, and I realized that there's a backdoor.
Did you hack into their system? Well, now it's just gonna sound disappointing.
If we promise not to be disappointed, will you tell us? I created a fake account for a fake woman so we can see Wade's real profile.
- Oh, she's beautiful.
- I got her picture off a tube of bath salts.
- Does she have a name? - Great question.
She sure does.
Zoya.
- Okay.
Is there any wiggle room with that? - No.
You see, we can't see Wade's profile, but Zoya can just "mash" him Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.
And there's our guy.
MICHELLE: Oh, God, he went back to the finger pistols.
He changed everything.
He did keep the Maya Angelou quote.
- Everybody likes Maya Angelou.
- DELIA: Yeah.
(LAPTOP CHIMES) - What was that sound? - He just mashed her back.
So then Zoya could tell him that she'd love to see him in a summer-weight suit with open collar, smiling in front of a window treatment - and no finger pistols.
- Watch this.
"You're so handsome.
I'd love to see you in seersucker bathed in natural light, exclamation point, winky face.
" - Good job.
- He's writing back.
"Thanks for the tip, smiley face.
" - Just close the computer.
- Yeah.
- Quit while we're ahead.
- Of course.
- (CHIMES) - "How are you tonight?" No need to be rude.
"I'm doing just fine, thanks, shy face.
" And I'm done.
(SIGHS) Yeah, I'm done.
- So who's he? - That's Jake, the one that's sharing the sleeper car with Brianne.
Okay, got it, and he's got the golden ticket.
No, no one's got the golden ticket.
The winning couple gets it at the end of the show - when they get to Miami.
- Oh, right, right, right.
Who's that? That's still Jake.
(SIGHS) Do we have to watch this? - You don't.
- It's a girl thing.
Fine.
I'll watch it.
- (PLATES CLATTER) - What is going on in there? Why is there cereal all over my floor? Are they on a train? Yes, it's called Passion Train.
Why are they kissing? That's the "passion" part.
Mom, can you make Noah leave? - Noah, go play in your room.
- Fine, but I'm taking the cookies.
MICHELLE: No, you're not.
- NOAH: Rude.
- Sorry, what'd I miss? Ooh, who's he? That's Jake.
- There are too many Jakes on this show.
- There's only one.
Why is it so quiet in there? I know you're up to something when it's quiet.
Now the girls are trying to watch their show in peace and you are not helping, are they, girls? BOTH: No.
- Jake drinks too much.
- That's Colton.
(CHUCKLES) Who you texting? Wade.
Just talk to him, he's right there.
No.
Okay, I'm not textig with Wade, Zoya is.
- Hmm? - Winky face.
(CHUCKLES) - (PHONE BUZZES) - Oh, that is so funny.
Look, he just texted "LOL," but it's nice to actually see it.
Wait, you're texting Wade? - Yes.
Yes.
- Right now? - As Zoya? - You get it.
No, I don't.
Why would you keep chatting with him? He kept writing back.
I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
- Hey! Ben, that is private.
- Oh, my God.
You've been doing this for days.
Well, it turns out we have a lot in common.
Of course you do.
You've been friends for, like, ten years! I know, I know, I know, but I'm seeing a different side of him.
- How wh - It's just harmless chitchat.
- You - Hey, guys, I, um I think I may have met someone.
- Mm! - WADE: Yeah.
- That is so great.
- Is it? I posted my new profile online, and bam, there she was.
- (CHUCKLES) - I mean, it's usually so awkward when you first start chatting with someone, but I I I feel like I've known her for years.
And you would really like her, Forrest.
- She's really into boats.
- What do you know? I would love to meet her.
- Let me freshen you up.
- Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) (SIGHS) - It's just chitchat.
- You gotta stop.
I've got to stop! Ah, okay.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Try some other options on the white noise machine, 'cause last night there was this little click when the waterfall sound started over again.
Kept me up all night.
- Crackling fire's nice.
- It's too hot for that.
Oh, yeah.
- You looking at boats? - No.
Why? Do you want to look at boats? No.
Good night.
Night.
- (COMPUTER CHIMES) - (CHUCKLES) Nope.
Sorry, Wade.
- (CHIMES) - It's not gonna happen, buddy.
(CHIMES) Oh, come on, man.
Not a sad face.
I'm not made of stone.
"Hey, Wade.
" (LAUGHING) Why are you in here laughing like a weirdo? It's nothing.
It's dumb.
Hey, uh, how was Passion Train with Michelle? Terrible.
Michelle didn't get it and was basically - yelling at her kids the whole time.
- Guys.
I'm sorry.
- Oh (LAUGHING) - Okay, what are you doing? Uh, you really want to know? I am messing with Forrest.
He's pretending to be this woman on this dating app to spy on me.
Oh, my God.
How long did it take you to figure out it's him? Two seconds.
He named her Zoya.
It's this character from one of the sci-fi novels - he keeps trying to get me to read.
- Yeah, yeah, Zoya Salazar, - from the Dark Frontier series.
- Nerd.
Oh, this is so great.
He has no idea I know that it's him.
(LAUGHTER) You guys were talking about your greatest fears? His are public speaking and eating a spider in his sleep? Yeah, yeah.
It's gotten deep.
But he's got to learn he can't keep doing things like this.
Tell Zoya you want to meet her.
- No.
Should I? - You have to.
- Yes, of course.
- (GASPS) You guys are amazing.
Okay, here we go.
(CHIMES) Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no "I don't know.
This is all moving a little fast for me.
" - I got this one.
- "I am fast.
When I see what I want, I I go for it, and I want you.
" Wh where did you get that? Passion Train.
Oh (SCOFFS) (CHUCKLES) - Help.
Help.
Help.
- And Zoya says, "I'm actually in a relationship, and I'm moving.
And I got a new job, that's why I'm moving to a better job neighborhood.
" - What?! - What am I even writing? Oh, no, this is okay.
This tracks.
This is good.
"Then we have to make the most of the time we have.
I won't take no for an answer.
Meet me at " - What's the name of a bar? - Oh, um, Humble Pie.
" Humble Pie.
See you in 20.
" Nope.
Nope, nope, nope.
Can't do it.
- Goodbye, Zoya.
- It was a pleasure to be you.
- (CHIMES) - "Profile no longer active"? - Huh.
- I'm gonna miss her.
- Yeah, I am, too.
- Can we chat with some other real ladies? Uh, no, no.
Let's Don't do that.
Of course.
I stress-ate the whole box.
What were you thinking, Forrest? - What was your end game? - I didn't have an end game.
I just felt like we had a connection.
I shared, he shared.
And, yeah, I got carried away.
- Is that why you keep coming to bed late? - No.
Maybe.
But it's okay now.
I think I ended it elegantly.
- Hey, Wade.
- WADE: Hey, guys.
- How you doing? - How you doing, man? You okay? Ah, well, I I had a rough night.
I went to Humble Pie to meet this woman and got stood up.
- Oh, I hate to hear that.
- Oh, dear! Yeah, but you're fine now, though, right? Yeah.
He's fine.
See? Wadester's fine.
Yeah, I'm really I'm not.
I went on the app to find her profile, and she was gone.
I think I got ghosted, and it hurt.
I mean, I didn't think that it would, but it it really hurts.
Anyway, uh, I'll see you guys later.
(SIGHS) I told you he was fine.
I know.
I know, I know.
Hey, uh (CLEARS THROAT) Wade.
Um, listen.
Hoo boy.
I've got something to tell you, and and it's gonna be pretty rough.
Well, can it wait? I I don't know that I can handle it.
I'm already in a fragile place, Forrest.
Oof.
Okay.
I know that you've been chatting with a woman online.
I'm afraid she's not who you think she is.
- What are you saying? - What I'm saying is that I am the lady that you've been texting.
I am Zoya.
- What? - I'm so sorry.
We just wanted to look at your dating profile.
You know? And then one thing led to another, and If I have hurt you, I will never, ever forgi - Are you crying? - (LAUGHING) What are you - Why are you - (CHUCKLES) Why are you laughing? Uh, I got you.
Uh what? You got what? I got you.
I knew it was you the whole time.
And that's what you get for not respecting my boundaries.
- But it was pretty good, though, wasn't it? - (BOTH LAUGHING) Yeah.
Yeah So this is this is just a game to you.
- Uh, yeah, kinda.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, it wasn't a game to me.
It wasn't a game to me.
Are you serious? Forrest.
Wait a minute.
Forrest! How am I the bad guy here? Where's our car, Delia? So no Forrest, huh? No.
No, he's still pretty mad at you.
So he's mad at me for catching him - inventing an alias to spy on me? - I think so.
Well, at least he's got a good reason.
I mean, he has been talking to me as this woman for over a week.
Look, I told him he was playing with fire.
We only meant to spy on you.
That's also wrong, Ben.
You're right, you're right.
Look, I know it's crazy.
But devil's advocate, you did kind of lead him on.
That was a lot of texts.
- Uh, that was a joke.
- Not to him it wasn't.
Look, I am not going to apologize for not being in a relationship with someone I was never in a relationship to begin with! But you are in a relationship with him.
Forrest is your friend.
Okay, yeah, that's that's true.
But what am I gonna do? I've been texting him all day, and he's not responding.
Go to him.
Go to him.
Wade.
Forrest.
Uh, these are for Zoya.
I'll see that she gets them.
Ah Oh, come on, Forrest, don't be like that.
- I didn't mean to hurt you.
- Well, you did.
Well, in all fairness, you were messing with me.
No, I wasn't, I was looking out for you.
And then, yeah, I got a little carried away.
- A little? - Okay, the thing is I just enjoyed our conversations so much.
Well, I did, too.
They were great.
I learned a lot about boats.
I just think that, moving forward, we should have those conversations as us.
Yeah, that's fair.
So, uh, you knew who Zoya was, huh? Yeah, I did.
So you listen to me when I talk? - I do.
- Hmm.
Did you read the trilogy yet? - Buddy, I'm never gonna read those books.
- No.
Look can we just be friends again, please? Yeah, of course.
God, come on.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) - Oh I'm gonna put these in some water.
- Okay.
Oh lilies.
These are Zoya's favorite.
You really are a good listener.
You are one interesting dude.
- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
Were you getting something from Wade that you aren't getting from me? No, he's just easy to talk to.
So you don't think I'm easy to talk to? You are.
- Forrest, come on.
- Okay, sometimes you can be a little dismissive about things that are important to me.
- Oh, is this about your dumb boat? - Okay.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I guess I just thought this boat was just a silly dream.
It is a silly dream.
I know that.
But I just wanted you to share the dream with me because you're in the dream with me.
- Wait, I'm on the boat? - Yes, you're on the boat.
- I am? - We both are.
And we're old, we're holding cocktails, and we don't know how to sail that well at all, so we use the motor in the back most of the time.
We're so happy.
Look.
Look at this.
That could be us.
- Forrest - Yeah? - We're getting that boat.
- What!? - We are getting this exact boat.
- This boat's $850,000.
We are getting a significantly - smaller boat than this boat.
- Ah.
Yeah.
(LAUGHS) Come here.
- I love you.
- I love you.
You know, I also have some silly dreams about our future.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Tell me.
Okay, um - (CHUCKLES) - we buy a duplex within reasonable walking distance of the beach, and then we rent out the other half to cover our mortgage.
(LAUGHING) What? Get your head out of the clouds, crazy girl.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh (LAUGHING) Oh, my God, Lissa, what are you doing?! Don't go on the one-on-one with Anthony.
I know, I know, she has such great chemistry with Jake.
I mean, he made her that ring out of the wine label.
- Oh, that was so sweet.
- That was so sweet.
- Wait, how do you know about that? - Uh, what? Guys guys can know this sort of stuff.
- He's looking it up on his phone.
- Dad! - (LAUGHS) - Look at that.
Well, if I'm gonna do this with you, I just, I want to I want to do it right.
We don't have to watch it if you don't like it.
No, I I love it.
I mean, not really, but I I love you, and you love it.
And Antony is the worst.
No, Kristy L is the worst.
Kristy's like the girl version of Antony.
WADE: Oh, my God! I got it.
Kristy L needs to get together with Antony.
- (LAUGHING) Oh - Genius.
- Absolute genius.
- Can you imagine that? - That's genius.
I can imagine it.
I would watch that show.
- Oh, my God.
- That would be - That'd be very entertaining.
They would not serve cake.
- They would serve protein shakes, right? - GIRLS: Protein shakes!