The Unicorn (2019) s01e17 Episode Script

Caroline, No

1 Hello? Caroline? Hey there.
Oh, hey, hey.
You-you said you had a job you needed me to do? Oh, yeah, I guess it was a little confusing.
- I am the job.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Got it.
Do ya? Because you still have your pants on.
Guess I won't be needing my tools.
- No.
- Um okay.
Oh, leave the pencil behind your ear 'cause I like it.
Yes, ma'am.
- No way.
- Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
She just hit you up out of the blue? - Yup.
- You just skipped lunch? Yeah.
I thought you and Caroline were a one-and-done thing.
Yeah, so did I.
Uh, it turns out that we are a four-and-not-done thing.
- Oh, man.
- Wow.
So, you didn't even eat anything, huh? You Not even a snack? Forrest, you're missing the point! - Our boy is living the dream here.
- Yeah.
Yeah, and I got to tell you, man no commitment.
- Keeping it casual.
- Mm.
I'm-I'm I'm having the time of my life.
Yeah! - The time of my life.
- Oh, man, that's so good.
But you should just keep a couple protein bars in your truck.
You know, or, like, a bag of nuts, something He can skip lunch, okay?! - The man's hooking up! - I know.
Look, I'm just worried his blood sugar's gonna plummet.
Then what? Look, I'm as invested in this as you are.
- Okay? - Yeah.
Uh, oh, speak of the devil.
This is, uh, Caroline.
- Uh-oh.
- Oh.
- "U up?" - Are you? It's, like, 8:00.
Of course you're up.
Dude! Oh, that's a booty call.
That's a booty call.
Shh, shh.
Go to her.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, Grace.
- You give me a hand? - Sure.
You've got to be kidding me! What? I asked you to buy me shampoo and conditioner.
- I did.
- Oh, my God.
You bought me a two-in-one shampoo and conditioner.
Oh, come on.
It's the same thing.
Oh, my God, just when I thought today could not get any worse.
Okay, all right, what's going on? Let's talk.
I'm fine.
Natalie! Stop wearing my sweaters! You always stretch them out! How?! I'm smaller than you! Okay.
What's going on with your sister? Something happened with a boy.
What happened with a boy? All I know is that he wore a red shirt, and now she hates her water bottle.
Okay, that-that's not really a lot to go on.
Oh, man.
Shampoo and conditioner in one? - This is gonna save me so much time! - Exactly.
Thank you! I just wish that I could get Grace to tell me what's bothering her.
I'd be bothered, too, if I had to use two-in-one - shampoo and conditioner.
- Oh, come on.
I like it, Natalie likes it.
That's a real Dad move.
Anyway, I can't get her to open up to me like she did with Jill.
Would you like us to talk to her? Would you? Yeah.
That-That'd be great.
Yeah, of course.
There's things that girls just don't want to talk to their dads about.
- Mm-hmm.
- Boys.
- Cramps.
- Boys.
- Boys.
- You know what? - I think you're right, Michelle.
- Yeah.
Yeah, very insightful, Michelle.
Welcome to the widows' group.
You're-you're new.
I'm Judy.
I-I lost my husband in October.
- Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
- I'm Wade.
Uh, it's easy to remember.
- Hi.
I'm the only guy here, right? Right.
So, I don't really know how this works.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I know how you feel.
- Yeah.
Until you showed up, I was the newbie.
Uh, here.
You want to sit next to me? - Thank you.
- Yeah.
Uh I know that it can be intimidating opening up in front of strangers, but, um, trust me.
This group it's a very safe space.
- Here you go, Judy.
- Thank you so much.
- The good stuff.
- Thanks.
Uh, cheers.
Nice to be here.
So, I did the worst thing last weekend.
- Well, what did you do? - I went golfing with my sister, and she's really good.
But I beat her, and I was so happy that I completely forgot it was my anniversary.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Sounds like progress to me.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
I guess so.
Especially since Edward forgot it five times when he was alive.
Still, I feel awful.
You know, not because I was sad, but because I wasn't.
Yeah? Does that make any sense to anybody? Yeah.
I mean, I hear what you're saying, but you can't make a big deal out of it every year for the rest of your life, can you? Well, yeah, but that was my plan to make a big deal out of it.
So it felt funny to be celebrating something 'cause I used to celebrate something else Oh, my God! - Wade! - Wade! Do you need to turn off your phone? Uh, y-yeah, yeah, I'm I'm-I'm sorry.
Sorry about that.
I'm gonna It's off.
Uh, continue.
Uh, where were we - What were we talking about? - Um, I was talking about anniversaries.
Stop it.
- Yeah.
- Stop it.
So, how's it going, Mr.
Sex Ha-Having Guy? Wow.
Killing the nicknames now.
Thank you.
Uh it's going okay.
What happened? Did Caroline stop texting you? No.
No, no, we're still hooking up.
- Ooh.
- Yeah, we did it in an open house in Brookhaven yesterday.
- Waterbed.
- Oh, that's super hot.
My parents had one of those, and Well, that's not That's not the reason that it's hot.
It's unrelated.
- You talk now.
- I don't know.
It's just it's just gotten a little weird.
I'm afraid she's getting jealous.
At our widows group, I was talking to this new woman, right? Mm-hmm.
All of a sudden, Caroline starts sending me all these dirty texts.
- How dirty we talking here, Wade? - Yeah, yeah.
- Absolutely filthy.
- Oh, wow.
- Oh, let me see.
- No, no, me first.
No, no, no, no.
- No, what am I talking about? - I know Caroline.
- We're grown men.
That's crazy.
- That would be inappropriate.
- We don't need to see that.
- Actually, I'm not proud.
- Then, again, maybe I should peek - just to see if I should look.
- I would like to see them.
Guys, I'm not gonna show you naked pictures of Caroline.
- She sent pictures? What?! - Oh, my God! I'm a little worried.
I mean, what if she starts having feelings or something? I don't know.
I just need to talk to her.
- You're gonna screw everything up! - No! You're gonna! What's he gonna screw up? Caroline and the booty calls.
I'm just worried she's getting attached.
Oh, because she's a woman, she can't have casual sex without falling in love with you? Actually, you would be surprised how little emotional connection a woman needs to get off.
You see? You hear that? Wait.
What?! Really?! Guys, I hear you, but I got to make sure she's still cool.
I'm gonna I'm gonna talk to her.
- What? No, stupid! - No.
We'll see.
- Hey, kiddo.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- So, what's going on in Grace's world? Oh, nothing.
Um well, hey.
- Hmm? - I just had a fun idea.
Have you guys ever played Rose and Thorn? No, but it sounds fun.
Oh, it's really fun.
Let me just get a little more Okay, so here's how it works.
You think of something from your week that made you happy.
That's your rose.
And then, you think of something that, you know, was not so happy.
And that would be your thorn.
Get it? Okay, so, like, my rose would that hmm, oh uh, sumo oranges are back in season.
But my thorn is that they cost four dollars each.
So Okay, you go now.
Um mine's also the orange thing.
Well, no, it has to be your own, or Michelle, can you just show her, please? Um, my rose is I don't know.
Walks on the beach.
And my thorn is selfish people.
No, no, no, it can't be It's not like turn-ons and turn-offs.
It's got to be about your week.
It's-it's Grace, show Michelle how you do it, please.
Um, I guess that my rose would be that I got an "A" in chemistry.
- Ah.
- And my thorn would be that I got locked out of my gym locker.
That-that's good.
That's But let's just rewind and go another round.
Uh, this time, let's just go a little bit, like, deeper, right? Could be about anything.
- I don't know.
Like, boys, or - Yeah.
Um, I don't want to be rude, - but I do have an essay to write.
- Okay.
But I was just gonna say - D-Delia, let's go.
- Uh-huh.
Oh, we should go.
- We should go.
- Okay.
Just got to get out.
Thank you so much for coming.
Oh! - Hi! - Hey.
Listen, you should have called me.
We can't do it while we have people here.
I mean or can we? Well, actually, I just wanted to talk for a minute if that's okay.
Yeah, sure, sure, sure.
Let me know if you want to make an offer.
Okay, my number's on the card, and the seller is very motivated.
Um, last time we did it here, we actually ripped the bedspread.
- Did we? Oh.
- Yes.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, don't be.
I brought in these throw pillows, and I covered it up.
- I'm really good at my job.
- Yeah, yeah.
Hey, uh, listen, this thing - that we're doing here, right? - Yeah? Um, I just wanted to make sure we're still on the same page with everything.
- Yeah, yeah.
I mean, why wouldn't we be? - Well, you know, uh, because at group, when I was talking to Judy, you started sending me all those texts, and I was worried I don't know maybe you were getting a little jealous or something.
- I don't know.
- Jealous? Oh, Wade, you are so sweet.
- Listen, I'm fine, okay? - Oh.
I am fine, so don't worry your tiny little butt about that.
- Ti-Tiny? I - Listen, this thing that we're doing it-it's great.
- It's-it's so great.
- Yeah.
And I don't want this to hold you back.
I mean, you should date whoever you want to.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Okay, you-you're sure about that? - Absolutely.
I mean, listen, if it makes you feel better, I'm dating, too.
You-you are? - Yeah.
- Oh, good, good.
Oh, well, that's that's a load off.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm actually having lunch with someone today.
And he is here early.
Hi, Dallas.
I'm gonna grab my stuff, okay? All right, so I'll see you, um, maybe Thursday? - Uh sure.
- Okay.
Bye, Wade.
"Dallas"? Okay, we can hear your car, buddy.
- Dallas? - Yeah.
Right? I mean, who's named Dallas? I guarantee you his name is "Dale," and he just goes - by Dallas.
- Well, I mean, this is good news, right? I told you she wasn't jealous.
This means absolutely nothing to her.
Hey, thanks for doing that, by the way.
I had no idea when I took the training wheels off that Addie would ride it straight into a ditch.
She's 12, right? Yeah.
Almost 13.
You okay there, Wade? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I'm great.
Having commitment-free sex whenever I want.
Sometimes in, uh, strangers' houses.
What could be - bad? - Whoa.
Little girl's bike.
Just keep in mind.
- Hi.
- Hey, Grace.
Thank you for babysitting.
- Oh, yeah, no problem.
- Wait.
Did you tell her 6:30? Because our reservation isn't until 8:00.
Oh, that means we have an hour and a half to kill.
- Mm.
- Oh, well.
My bad.
- Just come and sit with us.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay, what's up? - What's up? - Okay, look, your dad was worried, and he asked us to talk with you.
Yeah, and, uh, things didn't go so well last night, so So now you're paying me 15 bucks an hour to talk to you? - 15? - Mm-hmm.
I said 12.
My stomach hurts because I ate baker's chocolate.
Get yourself some ginger ale and work through it.
We're chatting with Grace.
Michelle, Delia, look, I really appreciate what you're doing, but trust me, you wouldn't understand.
What? No.
Look, if you change your mind, just come on back here, and we'll just be sitting here, just hanging out.
Waiting to talk.
It's chocolate.
Why does it taste so bad? Anyway, my friends think I should start dating.
I mean, I can't even walk out onto my deck without remembering Pete building it.
Aw, that's okay.
It takes time.
It took Wade over a year to put himself - out there.
- Really? Yeah.
Speaking of, anything new in your love life, Wade? Oh, uh, actually, yeah.
Yeah, I've been, uh, seeing someone lately.
- Oh.
- Yeah, just, uh just some casual fun.
I'm fun.
Good for you, Wade.
How's it going? Well, I thought it was going great.
Uh, and then I found out that she was actually seeing someone else.
- Oh, bummer.
- Aw.
- Yeah.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Did you and this person, who I-I think sounds lovely, agree that you were exclusive? No.
No, no, no.
I think I just assumed - that it went without saying.
- Huh.
Uh, we went on several dates.
Oh, you went out on dates.
Well, that sounds nice.
Where did you go when you went on these dates? Well, we didn't go out, per se.
- Mm.
- But, uh, there was - a whole lot of intimacy.
- Huh.
And I guess to me, that still really means something.
It does.
Oh, okay.
I mean, I'm just guessing here, but I think that maybe this person would be very surprised to know that you felt that way.
Well, she wouldn't be surprised if she ever asked me - how I felt.
- Okay.
Maybe she just didn't know that you were such a little bitch.
Uh, what's happening? Oh, for the love of God.
They're hooking up.
Thanks, Cynthia.
Um, I hope this hasn't soured you on dating within the group.
- Who's your favorite Pokémon? - Uh, I don't have one.
What?! We have a lot to talk about.
- I wish she'd open up to us.
- Yeah.
But think about it.
When we were her age, we wouldn't have wanted to talk to a couple of moms.
Well, actually, my two best friends were in their 40s.
Rabbi Levy and his wife Sandra.
She was fun.
She was my piano teacher.
She had a temper.
I mean, but she was, she was good.
It was back when you could yell at kids.
You still make it look fun.
But yeah.
That's-that's it - for the baker's chocolate.
- Hand me - the French vanilla creamers, too.
- Oh.
One time, he drank, like, nine of them.
- Yeah.
- What? What is with kids wanting to eat anything that seems like candy? Well, to be fair, when I was a kid, I once ate an eraser shaped like an ice cream cone.
There was a kid in first grade who ate paste.
- My second favorite Pokémon - Oh.
I asked him out, like, seven years later.
- You dated the paste eater? - No.
Because he turned me down.
And my feet got all sweaty, and I was wearing those clear jelly shoes.
Remember those? And when I tried to run away, they just made that farty sound.
Oh! I I could've died.
My third favorite Pokémon is Yamper.
He's a dog who can shoot electricity.
Oh, middle school was terrible.
It's the worst.
You know, I was this height when I was 11.
Oh, did I ever tell you when I was in the eighth grade, I tried to trim my own eyebrows? Yeah, I overdid it and only had half my right one.
My sixth favorite is Applin.
He's an apple.
- But he's tied with - Do you want a soda? - I'm gonna go get us a soda.
- Okay, cool.
And then I tried to even it out - with my left one.
- Mm-hmm.
So, what'd you do? - Well, I only had a felt-tip pen.
- Mm-hmm.
That was not the solution.
And you went to school like that? People kept asking me why I looked so surprised.
What?! Are you serious? - Surprise! - Yeah, surprise! But, seriously, don't do it, - your eyebrows don't grow back right.
- Oh, yeah.
- Uh, bye, Judy.
- Bye, Wade.
Bye, Wade.
Okay, slugger, let's go.
- Thanks, Cynthia.
- Bye, Wade.
Look, I-I guess I just I got a little jealous about the whole Dallas thing.
What? No.
I couldn't tell.
I mean, you hid that so well.
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
I'm sorry I you know.
Called me a little bitch? I apologize if I led you on.
I thought that I was really clear about what this was.
No, you were, and I thought that I was cool with it.
But clearly I wasn't.
I know that this is how things are done these days, but honestly, Caroline, I don't think I'm cut out for it.
You're not, and the fact that you're not is what makes you such a catch.
You know, I mean, for someone who's looking for a catch.
Thank you.
Dallas is a very lucky guy.
Oh, no, I dumped him already.
You know, his real name is Dennis.
- Ah.
I knew it.
- I mean Friends? - Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
I'll, uh, I'll see you next week at group.
- Caroline! - I know, I know.
Just friends.
Just Oh, I am gonna miss that butt.
So I put a love note in Darrell's locker.
And then he ignored me all day.
Then, Steven Duckworth told me he found my note, and confessed his love to me right then and there.
- No! - Yes! I put it in the wrong locker, and I didn't have the heart to tell him.
So I had to go see Gremlins 2 with him and his mom.
My gosh.
All right, so, sophomore year I started getting these really long, crazy arm hairs.
And they're just poking through my sweaters, and So my parents said, "Oh, that's normal, that happens to some girls," but I knew Okay, so, last Monday in chemistry, Justin was wearing this red T-shirt.
And I told him I liked it, and then he wore it for three days in a row.
- Mm.
- Which is gross, I know.
But I thought maybe it was because he liked me.
And then the other day I brought my blue water bottle to school.
You know, the one with all the stickers on it.
And then he called me "VSCO girl.
" And I was like, "Did the red shirt even happen?" - I get it.
- You lost me at "VSCO.
" Actually, before that.
VSCO means "basic.
" - Oh, I get you.
- Yeah.
Yes, yes.
No, no.
I'm sorry, I'm still lost.
Oh, well.
It doesn't matter.
The point is, eighth grade sucks.
- Yeah.
- Well, at least it sucks - for everybody, and we all survive it.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, and, you know, I've seen your arms, and the hair's very fine, so you've got nothing to worry about.
- You're just way ahead of that game.
- You sure? Never even thought about my arm hairs before.
Why are you bringing up arm hair? I don't know, I thought it would humanize me.
What happened to all the chocolate? No more.
Aren't you supposed to be at dinner? Oh, he's right.
Our reservation's in three minutes.
Oh, well, there goes my perfect open-table rating.
Maybe if you hurry, they won't give away your table? Well, you know I'm down for us to keep hanging out here.
Yeah, that's cool.
I'm all for it, yeah.
- Cool.
- Uh, Noah, we're having girls' time.
Go play on your tablet.
Why are you even paying her? I'm babysitting myself over here.
Guys, I, uh I got to tell you something, and you're not gonna like it.
- Oh.
- Uh-oh.
What's going on? I talked to Caroline, and we agreed that we're not gonna sleep together anymore.
- Oh, what?! - Oh, man - Yeah.
- Just like that? Why? I mean, was it something we said, or? No, it wasn't you.
And, frankly, that's a little weird that you'd think it was.
- Oh, okay, no.
- I get that.
I see what this is.
You brought us here to tell us 'cause you thought we wouldn't make a scene - in public! - Oh, - you are sorely mistaken, sir.
- No, no.
Guys, guys, guys.
- Miscalculation! - Guys! I'm sorry.
I know I let you down.
But the truth is I'm just not a casual hookup kind of guy.
- Huh.
- Hmm.
We get it.
It-it was just so much fun - living through those stories.
- Ha.
- Yeah, they were good stories.
- They were, they were.
But, hey, we want you to be happy.
That's all that matters.
Right, Forrest? No, I will I will never, ever forgive you.
- Never? - No.
- Ever? - Probably not.
- Hey, girls.
- Hey, Dad.
Sup, dawg? Natalie! That is how you stretch it out.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I didn't even realize.
You can keep it.
Uh you seem good.
Delia and Michelle talked to me, - and I made 60 bucks.
- Wow.
Uh, look, I'm, I-I'm sorry if I interfered.
But I am your dad and I do worry about you.
I had this thing with a boy, but I didn't know if it was a thing, so I made a big thing out of it.
- But, meh, I guess it's okay.
- Well, believe it or not, I get it.
I thought I had a thing with someone, but then she started seeing this other guy.
And I tried to play it cool but wound up, instead, acting like a total idiot in front of all of my friends.
Really? You? Yeah.
Oh, it was so bad.
I guess everyone's kind of dumb when they're young.
When we're young.

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