The Upshaws (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Hey.
So, do you think this outfit
will get me this Chief
Administrator job?
Are you meeting with a man or a woman?
A man.
[GRUNTS]
Now you'll get it.
Damn. I never thought I'd get
Me Too'd by my own sister.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. Don't be mad when
some big-titted bitch
is walking around with your job.
[LAUGHING]
Stop trying to body shame me.
Shoot. It ain't my fault
you shaped like Daddy.
All right, it's your dream,
I'm just trying to get you
to the mountaintop.
[SCOFFS] Well, I don't
need all that, all right?
I have 20 years' experience.
This job is in the bag.
And when I get it, I'mma march
right into my boss' office
and quit right in her face.
Bump that. You should
take a dump on her desk.
She'll get the message.
What kind of psycho does that?
Nobody I know.
Now see, I was thinking
I would show up late.
Maybe wear jeans.
We quit different.
Whatever. Do you.
Point is, you're moving on, moving up.
No more roadblocks.
Hey. Now that I got my coffee,
you want to throw in a
little quickie before work?
Mmm. I forgot about that dead end.
No, baby, I can't. I have my
interview at St. Vincent's.
Yeah, baby, that's today?
Ooh, go ahead on, Mrs. Upshaw.
Baby, you gon' get that job.
Ooh. Mmm.
I know that's right.
It ain't nothing more sexy than a
woman gettin' a big-ass paycheck.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, pump me up, Daddy.
Pump me up! [LAUGHING]
Ooh, I hate when you like him.
Quit hatin', Can't Run-DMC.
[REGINA] All right. [CLEARS THROAT]
Hey, what happened to supporting
me, okay? Focus up, people.
- Focus up.
- I'mma do a little bit more supportin',
when I pick up that bottle
of Cook's champagne.
Ooh.
Yeah, nothing says "I love you"
like gas-station bubbly.
We can't toast tonight, okay?
You've got poker and I've got trivia.
And I have your kids.
Tonight we gonna go on Facebook
and I'm gonna show them the
kinda life they could've had
if their mama had married Dante.
He's a doctor now.
He met Obama.
Why don't you take the kids
down to the animal shelter
and show them the life you coulda had
if you hadn't chewed through that cage?
- Come on, I'm ready for you.
- Come on!
All right, no, no, no.
All right, all right, all right!
That's enough now.
Now, Lucretia
you deserved that one. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
And, husband, you stay in the light.
I'll see you tonight after trivia.
All right, enjoy your
nerd night, all right?
I told you not to call it that.
[HESITATING] You is right.
I mean, it's a bunch of smart
people takin' tests for fun.
Ain't nothing nerdy about that.
Sis, back me up.
I tell people you're at AA.
[VOCALIZING]
Solid as a rock ♪
[VOCALIZING]
Solid ♪
I know it sounds like a cliché,
but I truly am committed to maximizing
efficiencies in health care
without compromising patient care.
And I make cupcakes for birthdays.
Regina Upshaw, you are a find.
Hearing your passion for
the work is wonderful.
- I'd love to hire you, but
- Ah, thank you.
Thank you, thank you!
Uh, you didn't let me finish, uh
- Sadly
- No, no, don't say "sadly."
- Unfortunately
- Oh, that's a bougie "sadly."
Without an MBA, we can only hire you
at the position you currently hold.
A master's degree is
really that important?
People don't go to grad school
because they enjoy student loans.
So my 20 years' experience
means nothing compared to an MBA?
Basically. Look,
what I can do is offer you your
current position at this salary.
I make more than that in the
position I currently hold.
Then what are you doin' here?
Tryin' to better myself, asshole.
So on your résumé where it
says "good under pressure"?
You're not dangling out
that window, are you?
Hey, yo, Bennie.
I got your champagne for Regina.
Damn, Duck, that ain't Cook's.
I ain't trying to spend all of
Regina's new-job money.
She's a good woman, man.
She deserves better.
I got her a card, too.
I left a little room on
the bottom for you.
You're welcome.
Yeah.
Uh, hey, Bennie,
what's tonight's buy-in?
Tony, you ask me that shit every week.
I told you it's $20 cash, and
I ain't taking no scratch-offs.
Well, okay. [SNORTS]
Hey, baby. Yeah, um
[HESITATING] He said it's,
um, $20, so can I play?
Okay, thank you. Hey,
baby, I lo Oh, she
Okay.
[SCOFFS] Yeah, hah! That's right.
That's all your asses tonight.
Shit, I'm the man!
[SIGHS]
Here. You still ordering shit?
I thought you said you was done.
I said that?
Yeah, I be saying stuff, yeah.
Besides, poker game's tonight.
Bring the cash and you good.
Can't. Wouldn't, but also
can't. I got a date.
A date? Boy, what's her Instagram?
Pull her up, lemme see what a
young player's working with.
What's her name?
Old people shouldn't be on social media.
No, a grown man shouldn't be
wearing booty shorts to work
but you walking around dressed
like a half-wrapped Tootsie Roll.
Let me see the girl. How
long you been seeing her?
Are you trying to tiptoe
into a father moment?
No. You know, your mama's
worried about you.
She don't want you
running through women.
Oh, she don't want me to
turn out like you, huh?
Yeah, basically.
Inspection time! Hands up, receipts out.
Why you act like we criminals?
Who's actin'?
That's why I don't fool with
family. Cold. I don't know.
Auntie, we got a tenant situation.
- Did Miss Adelman finally die?
- [SCOFFS] Nope.
She's still hanging on
to that rent control.
Well, you're my building
manager, so fix it.
Come on, Bennie, hurry up. I gotta go.
It's the guy from 3B, Ernest.
Still? I thought you were handling him.
I keep putting eviction
notices on his door,
he turns around, puts 'em back on mine.
It's embarrassing when I'm
trying to bring a date home.
Aww, boo-hoo, nephew.
But look, I'm just hearing problems.
We gotta get a real estate
lawyer and take him to court.
Not with my money.
- [SIGHS] I'll get him out.
- How?
The less you know, the better.
But look, watch the
girls for me tonight.
For some reason, after a teen pregnancy,
a second mortgage,
a break baby, and a third mortgage,
your parents still feel
they deserve a night out.
Anything you need, Auntie.
I'll cancel my plans.
Hey, man, what about the date?
You can't cancel for me?
No.
See, I blame you.
Yeah, I blame you.
You raised him to turn on me.
I raised him to kill you in your sleep.
And I'm still waitin'.
- Damn it!
- [CHUCKLES]
That is my third tequila shot
and I'm still thinking
about that damn job.
Three? Those limes are slowing you down.
Uh-uh, all right?
You save some brain
cells for trivia, please.
I don't wanna be a loser here, too.
[SCOFFS] I'm a nurse,
I know how much I can handle.
The more you whine,
the more I have to drink.
Oh, wine. Should I switch to wine?
[CHUCKLES]
No, you're right. You're right.
Okay, I will let it go.
It's just so unfair.
Oh, that Chief Administrator
job was supposed to be mine.
Now I'm stuck at Mercy
General with dumb Sheila.
If the only thing that's
holding you back is an MBA,
go get one. [CHUCKLES]
Tuck in your privilege.
That's that white girl cat
calendar shit talking.
"Believe it, achieve it!"
"No day like today!"
You got me that calendar.
You know, if dumb Sheila
can do it, so can I.
You are way better than dumb Sheila.
Oh, uh-uh. See, wait a minute.
You probably shouldn't
call her dumb Sheila.
It sounds racist when you say it.
Okay, let's try this again.
Kelvin Upshaw, are you
related to that Aaliyah girl?
No, I am not.
But you look a lot like
her dead boyfriend.
Not all Black people look alike.
Good, good.
Look, this is a two-way street.
I'll pretend not to know you,
but you gotta put me
on with the hotties.
I can point you to their lunch table.
I thought you were popular.
It's a process. I'm coming up.
Kelvin, you staying for dinner?
That depends.
You makin' them fake greens again?
If you mean kale, I sure am.
Well, if you mean kale,
I'm sure not. Peace.
Make sure you practice your
lines, 'cause we gotta sell it.
Did Kelvin just leave?
I needed help with my
family tree project.
I'll help you.
I needed to ask Kelvin how
he fits into the family.
Bernard will help you.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
What do you mean, "How
he fits into the family"?
Well, I thought he was like a cousin,
but then Aaliyah said that
he was her boyfriend,
but then he wasn't her boyfriend.
Now I'm confused.
Nobody explained this mess to her?
What you looking at me
for? I'm not the adult.
Uh, well, Maya, you see,
um [CLEARS THROAT]
before you were born
Aaliyah?
Seriously?
How do you pick up
packages with no spine?
Ernest! Open up. It's Ms. Turner,
the woman you owe rent to.
I know you not in there
playin' Tony Hawk scratchin'
up my living room floors.
Technically, Tony Hawk's a skateboarder.
Look, you've been
ignoring eviction notices,
so I'm gonna need you
to pack up your stuff
and see your way to the nearest
skate park, Shaun White.
Snowboarder.
- Just get the hell out, fool.
- Squatter's rights.
You never presented me
with a written lease,
so according to Article
31 of Indiana state code,
get outta my face.
Well, I'd like to present
to you article one and two.
Ah, the threats begin.
I'll just be filmin' the remainder
of this interaction
in case I ever have
to show it to a jury.
What do you have to say to that?
I wonder if that phone
will fit down your throat.
Not a threat, it's for science.
Ah! Sixes over nines,
thank you very much.
- Hell no.
- Come on, he's cheatin', man.
- Yeah.
- Oh, man.
You one of the most blessed
convicts I ever seen.
Yeah. The Lord is my shepherd,
he shall not want
- me to lose a hand. Put up!
- [GRUNTS]
[LAUGHING]
Duck, drop what you're doing,
I need you right now.
Duck, don't do it.
With that kinda money right there,
you can get a woman with less mileage.
[LAUGHING]
- Bennie's got a pair of twos.
- What the
I have a tenant who's having trouble
paying rent. I need your help.
To do what? Thugging?
I already told you,
I'm a man of God now.
Uh, bring God.
I have something totally
different in mind.
All right, give me a second.
You bring the Son and the Holy Ghost.
Won't He do it? Uh-oh.
[LAUGHS]
Shit, could He do it for me?
Now that the Right Reverend is gone,
I might have a shot. Lemme deal.
Uh, you know what? Mom's
been down for two hours now.
I should probably go turn her.
Yeah, maybe we should call it, man.
Come on, man. Y'all scared
I'm gonna take y'all money?
Regina's gone to trivia, let's play.
Oh. You know what? We should stay.
He did say Regina went
out for that new job.
- Yeah, and he's probably hurtin'.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- What y'all talking about?
Your lady's lookin' for
an upgrade, player.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Mmm-hmm.
Are you talking about her phone?
No. We thought you knew.
It's what always happens when
a Black woman comes up.
New job, more money, yoga.
Then they marry a white boy.
That's how I lost my lady.
- Huh?
- Look,
I didn't always live with my mama.
Y'all ain't talking about
me and my wife.
No, that's everybody. Couples
have to be on the same level.
The problem is, you married
"Tryin' Regina."
Now you married "Made It Regina." Yeah?
She's lookin' for a much
better class of man.
Ah, yeah? Where's she gonna meet him at?
Oh, I don't know. Possibly
her weekly trivia night.
You mean that place chock-full of
smart, good-looking white boys
and liquor?
[FAKE GASPS]
- No!
- No!
What are you talking about?
Your mama is the only
woman that you know.
And, Tony, you whipped like butter.
Hey, man, I am not.
You know, sometimes love
is a one-way street.
He's just lashin' out.
Who are you talkin' to, man?
I got my woman on lock. [SCOFFS]
- Hey, I'mma text her right now.
- Okay.
Yeah. "Baby "
"I'm thinking of you."
Yeah. Send.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- Poor guy. He ain't even drunk.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
Shut up, fool.
- Look, there's bubbles right there.
- Where?
Bubbles, man. [LAUGHS]
[CELL PHONE CHIMING]
"K."
Damn, she ain't say nothing but "K"?
Damn.
She didn't even put
the O in front of it.
The O is right above the K.
All right, and our last question
from round one was,
"Which of Henry VIII's
ships sank in 1545?"
Only one team got it right.
The Mary Rose, bitches! [LAUGHING]
English Channel!
Damn, you are killing it!
Don't ever doubt me, Amy.
Wreckage was found in 1982,
but he ain't asked me that.
Here's to trivia night.
Ooh, I needed this!
No kids, no work, no husband,
just me, doin' me.
- It's Regina's world!
- Whoo!
All these white men in here.
Davis was right.
And Davis ain't never right.
Regina.
What the hell are you doin' here?
Why you don't want me here?
Are you hiding something?
I'm Bennie, by the way.
Regina's forever husband.
We've met. You were at my wedding.
You got drunk and fought the DJ.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
You could be one of
four people right now.
Sorry 'bout that.
Okay, let's get round two going!
- Let's go.
- Here we go.
Thanks for stopping by. Bye.
I'm here for you.
To be with you and to never leave you.
Let's trivia! Let's go, trivia!
Iowa! Caesar! Gettyburg!
They gotta ask questions first.
Oh, no I know.
Look, I'm trying to learn
the rules, too. Okay?
I'm at your level.
Come on with it, baby!
First question. What
is the value of pi?
Uh, Safeway or Kroger?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hey, it's a math question.
Yeah, if it's math, Kroger's cheaper.
Okay, that's one point for us.
What's our team name?
Don't tell him. Don't you tell him.
The Re-Amy-Mators.
Uh, hell, no. That ain't
Uh, hey, Harry Potter. Check this out.
We changing our name, all right?
Uh, we are now Earth, Wind and
[HESITATING] Amy. Yeah.
- 'Cause I'm fire, right?
- Yeah! [LAUGHING]
[TRIVIA ANNOUNCER CHUCKLING]
Okay, next question.
Which REO Speedwagon album
contained four US Top 40 hits?
No, babe, that's for Amy. Okay?
Put your pen down. You know this?
Yes. Shut up.
Well, how you know Oreo Fastwagon?
I need to check your presets.
I need for you to go.
[TRIVIA ANNOUNCER] Question three.
Which Dixie Chick is
No, no. Come on, man.
You gotta ask a question
we can all understand.
Let's keep it fair,
it's Black people in here,
too, besides us.
And the curly-haired dude in
the back that's trying to pass.
What up, bro?
Okay, I got one right here.
Here it is, right here.
Did OJ do it?
It's tricky, be careful.
Baby, tell 'em where
you think the glove is.
Baby?
Regina? Regina?
Mmm. That was so good.
It was, huh?
Are you ready for bed now, sweetie?
Mmm-hmm. As soon as
y'all tell me about Kelvin.
I told you this wouldn't work.
Uh, Maya, why don't you go upstairs,
put your PJs on, brush your teeth
and if you're still awake
when we come up there,
then we'll tell you something.
I had three bowls of ice cream.
I'll be awake forever.
Great. Now she's all sugared
up and still asking questions.
What are we gonna do now?
I say we tell her the truth.
May as well learn young
that Bennie sucks.
No, you just want to ruin him for her
so she'll hate him as much as you do.
Cool, so we have a game plan.
- Maya
- No, Bernard, you're being an ass.
I remember when I found
out I was a ghetto twin.
I mean, it really sucked.
Do you wanna hurt Maya like that?
All right. You're right.
Bennie's Bennie.
He doesn't need our help
to make him look bad.
[MAYA] Teeth are done. Who is he?
So, we're on the same page?
Distract her by telling her
she's getting a puppy?
It's worth a shot.
Really nice of you giving
me a place to stay.
Oh, of course. We have
to take care of our own.
Now, you sure you're okay
with having a roommate?
Hey, I just got out of prison.
Long as he stay on his side
during lights out, we good.
You'll like him. He's a Christian.
Y'all can swap some of
that fire and brimstone.
[HESITATES] And make sure you
tell him about prison, too.
He's real curious about the
grisly down-and-dirty parts.
Ernest! It's Ms. Turner.
What the hell you want now?
Oh, I just want you to meet
your new roommate.
You can't give me a roommate.
Well, where does it
say that in our lease?
Oh, yeah, that's right. As you
pointed out, we never did a lease.
But your new roomie's got one.
Enjoy fighting over that one bedroom.
Nice to meet you, brother.
You been baptized?
No. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Why?
I'll go clean out the tub,
we can do that now.
It's in your hands now, Jesus. Mmm.
Three, two, one.
You can have the damn place!
Just throw my shit out front.
What you running for?
I was just about to lay hands on you.
Huh. I guess the apartment's
all mine, then.
Yeah, as long as you pay rent.
You gonna redo my floors?
That ain't in your lease.
Damn, your Uber driver was driving
like you was trying to shake me.
Why, Bennie? Huh? Why?
I have been to a bunch of trivia nights
and you ain't never tripped before.
'Cause, baby, well Listen, baby.
- The guys, they said
- [REGINA BABBLING]
Right there. "The guys."
Hmm? "They said"?
What did they say, Bennie, huh?
"Eff up Regina's one night to herself"?
No. They said you'd leave
me for a white guy.
Okay? And it stuck in my head.
The dude's name is Tucker.
And he do his hair
like this all the time.
And he dance like that,
you know what I mean?
And y'all was gonna have mixed kids
that look like Kanye West's children.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about losing you.
Losing me? Look, what
am I, a pair of keys?
And I know for damn sure that you
are not taking marriage advice
from them no-wife-having
clowns down at your shop!
Yeah, you up here talking
about a new you,
a new job, big changes.
And I'm afraid that I'd be one of 'em.
Do you turn the cars off
when you tune them?
- We've been together since high school.
- Yeah.
Did you really think that
a 10% bump in pay
was gonna make me
start acting brand-new?
[MUMBLING]
Not that it matters.
I didn't even get the damn job.
Oh, we cool, then. We fine. Yeah. Phew!
We not "cool."
We not "fine."
I'm not fine, so we not fine.
- Girl, look, I'm just
- [BABBLING]
The next shit that come out your
mouth better sound something like,
"I'm sorry, Regina."
"You'll get it next time, Regina."
Shit
"I believe in you, Regina."
That's what I meant
when I said we was fine.
- This mother
- What the Ah!
Babe, you know I'm not good with words.
All I know is I lucked
up when I got you.
Yeah, you did. You damn sure did.
[SCOFFS] Boy
But you got me. We together.
Any move I make, I make with you.
Yeah. Forget that punk-ass job.
You'll find something better, babe.
Yeah, forget that job.
- Look at you learning.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
But no, I won't. Not without a damn MBA.
You know what? We gonna get one.
Matter of fact, I got a partner
who got two in the backyard
sitting on bricks.
- [LAUGHING]
- Okay?
- Sitting next to a Cadillac and a
- Oh. Stop it.
You know it's a degree.
It means I'd have to,
ugh, go back to school.
Yeah. Well, you can do
what you got to do. You
It's not just me.
- Yeah.
- That shit costs time and money.
Yeah, I know.
We'd have to make a lot of adjustments.
Well, let's make the adjustments.
I'm rolling with you
till the wheels fall off.
Mommy, Mommy!
Maya, what are you doing up?
I had three bowls of ice cream,
finished my family tree project,
and put together a 1,000-piece puzzle.
She did that puzzle quick.
I would have her tested.
We could be sitting on something.
Let me see this.
Oh, my goodness, baby,
this is wonderful.
It is. And she put Kelvin on it.
Oh, yeah. I know all about Kelvin now.
We we really never told her?
No. No, you did not.
Bernard told me all about it.
What'd he say?
Bernard said that Kelvin was
delivered by Santa Claus
in a Easter basket
as a gift on Aaliyah's birthday.
I hope I get a brother for my birthday.
Aww.
You better not.
Oh. I don't know why they
even have trivia night.
They ought to just hand us
the win when we hit the door.
I gotta hand it to Bennie.
Amy, Earth and Wind
is a much better name.
I knew I should've cut you off at six.
Speaking of Bennie, let me get home
before he thinks I've run away
with some random white guy.
Ooh. I wouldn't mind
running off with him.
Ooh, look at you,
drunk girl on the prowl.
Like January says, "A husband is
just a stranger you said hello to."
What? That calendar don't say that.
I'm making my own calendar.
And every month is gonna
have a picture of that dude.
Ugh.
Of course. All the hot ones are gay.
Stop it, okay? 'Cause you know that
you cannot judge a book by its
Bernard?
What?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]