The Venture Bros (2003) s01e10 Episode Script

Are You There God, It's Me, Dean

Well, if it isn't the late Dr.
Thaddeus Venture.
I'm glad you're still hanging around.
I wanted to thank you for finding Grover Cleveland's presidential time machine for me.
I'll give him your regards.
Take your time, Monarch.
'Cause the minute you finish your little speech, I'm gonna kill you.
What are you, Obi-Wan Kenobi? Just look at you schmucks! I don't think I'm the one in danger here.
Considering the sad fact that right below you flows the mighty Amazon teeming with the most gruesome fish to ever - The piranha! - No! - The shark? - No! - The piranha? - No! And shut up.
This isn't a quiz.
Now, where was I? Right.
The dreaded candiru, a naughty little fish with a penchant for swimming up a man's urethra to feed on the damaged tissue of the pitiful mass of flesh you once called your penis! That is a total myth! There is no such fish.
- Is too! - No, there isn't! - Time-out! - What? Time-out! I'm really hurt! This isn't freeze tag.
You can't do that! I'm serious.
I really feel sick! Don't even think about ralphing on me.
Where are you hurt, boy? I don't want to say.
- Oh, great.
- Dean? My no-nos hurt.
What the hell are no-nos? That's the super adult term my teenage sons use to refer to their genitals in public in front of their father.
Well, duh! You all should be feeling the sting in your nethers for in seconds, the dreaded candiru will seek out the tiny The kid's really hurt.
Let him go.
Why? I'm about to kill all of you anyway.
What's the point, really? Because you have to! In 1969, the Guild of Calamitous Intent enacted an addendum to article 47 of the Unusual Torture Act.
So let's cut the monkey business.
- Go, Dad! - Yes, go, Dad.
And what's more, you arrogant little trouble-maker you have to let us all go.
How the hell do you know that? Check it out for yourself.
Maybe I will.
You don't know when to stop with all this, do you? You just keep pushing my buttons! You're my arch enemy! That's what I do! That's my thing! All right, fine.
I have a Guild of Calamitous Intent handbook in my glove compartment.
I'll be right back.
Don't go anywhere.
Well, I think that's settled then.
We meet back here in two days.
I keep the big one as collateral.
But what if Dean dies before then? Then I kill this guy.
The Guild of Calamitous Intent which, incidentally, I only joined to get the full-dental and partial health package has this pretty cut and dry.
I have to kill him.
Those are my orders.
I'm not even going with you.
What do you mean you're not going with me? I'm a bodyguard.
You have your orders, and I got mine.
OK, then, guard him! No way! The addendum to the Unusual Torture Act is also called Rusty's law.
They used to call my dad Rusty.
How do you think your father knew everything about it? Because he's a genius super scientist.
I like to dream, too, Hank.
But face it, your grandfather really did a number on your old man.
God, what a pro! I wish I was old enough to hate him when he was alive! Now, that was an arch enemy! I never met my grandfather.
I never even met my Mom.
Hank, what would you say if I told you that your mother - was someone you've met before? - What? And what if I told you that your father is not your real father? Hank! Hank! I am your real father! No way.
No way! That's not true! Psyche! Ha, sucker! You were all, "Oh, Daddy, you're my Daddy!" You are so gullible.
What is that like? Hey, can I have your pudding? Um, no.
I'm so saving that.
You really have to hold that so close to my face? I mean, where am I gonna go? Yeah, dude, ease up on him.
It's not like that's loaded or anything.
Aw, what are you? Some sort of an imbecile? Why would you even do that? Did you lift anything heavy? I told you, it's not a hernia! Were you rough-housing with your brother? No.
Oh, dear God.
You two haven't been experimenting with inappropriate touching? No! Gross! I know you've been seeing a lot of that little tramp who lives next door.
Lord knows what kinds of diseases that hussy carries.
It's getting worse! Dean, I don't want you hanging around with Triana Orpheus anymore.
I don't approve of the way she dresses.
Girls like that are usually on the dope.
Dean, have you been shooting dope into your scrotum? You can tell me! I'm hip! Dad, why are you doing this? I don't know what I did! Suddenly it just felt like someone kicked me in the rocks and they never took their foot away! All right, Dean, you're gonna have to pull down your pants.
I have to palpate the region.
Please, Dad, please, please, please don't feel me up! I'm going to palpate, Dean.
This isn't any fun for me, either.
Do you want me to get H.
To do it? Is that better for you? A doddering old robot with cold, steel claws.
Is that what you want? I want a doctor! Are you gonna get the phone or what? What is wrong with you? Why don't you ever flush? It's like a bucket full of payday bars in there.
Come on, fella, you're blocking the screen! Is it so hard to pull a handle? Oh, now, where could I have heard this before? Could it be I read it, like about a thousand times in those passive/aggressive Post-its you put all over the camper? Those aren't passive/aggressive.
They're informative.
Are you going to get the phone or not? Can't.
I'm apparently doing a drive-by mission for the yardies over here.
Conjectural Technologies.
Master Billy, boy genius, speaking.
Billy, you gotta do it.
How can we make your tomorrow better? Well, l I guess it's theoretically possible.
Billy, if you push the start button - you can see my stats! - Yeah, uh-huh.
I am awesome! OK, sure.
But then there is my rather steep fee.
OK, then.
All right.
"Bye-bye"? Well, he said it first.
It just slipped out.
Well? Do we have a job? Brace yourself.
That was Dr.
Get out! I will not.
And there's more.
It seems that his son has a mysterious malady and he needs the help of Conjectural Technologies.
Way to go, Billy.
Did you tell him that you needed the aid of a certain computer technician? You're in.
Did you ask for some extra cash to refuel the helicopter? We don't have a helicopter.
Venture doesn't know that.
High five! I don't think so.
Man, this is the coolest book ever.
There's a guy in here who guards his headquarters with robot cheetahs! Oh, yeah.
The Zoocreeper.
Oh, hey, am I in there? Uh nope.
"M" for Monarch.
Try "T" for "The Monarch!" Nothing.
So where are we going? Towards the blinking light.
We fly by radar alone.
The location of my flying cocoon is highly secretive.
Even I don't know its whereabouts.
It may well be floating over the moon! - Really? - Maybe.
Or even deep below the earth's crust.
Hey! It's the Grand Canyon.
Or it might be in the Grand Canyon, hovering where everyone can see it.
Wouldn't rule that out.
Surprise! Crap! An ambush! My bad.
Sorry, everybody.
My bad.
Now, before you tell me what a jolly good fellow I am there are some people who I would like you to meet.
Someone got him Brock Samson? Now I feel like a tool.
What'd you get him? I made him coupons for one free washing of the Monarch-mobile and one free back rub.
Aren't those your jobs anyway? Yeah, but these are coupons.
All right, now let's see what all this fuss is about.
Dean, you wanted a doctor, and Billy is one of the best.
Now drop those pants, mister.
Actually, this is more of a job for a urologist.
Billy is more of a neurogeneticist.
Yeah, but this kind of thing should be a walk in the park.
A walk through a park with genitals for trees.
And hair for grass.
Oh, I'm sure that put him at ease.
You two might want to work on your bedside manner.
Girlfriend I'm coming in with some cake, and a little surprise for you.
Come in, sweetie! I have a little surprise for you, too.
For he's a sexy good fellow Oh, sweet mercy! Dr.
Girlfriend! Won't you come over here with me for a moment? Oh, I guess the muscular one is all right but the boy is just going too far.
Can't we just use the puppet again? No, no.
Sweetie! This is Brock Samson and Hank Venture.
I captured them.
- Did not! - Did too! I think you better give us a place to bed down.
Kid here gets kind of wiggy if he doesn't get enough sleep.
Of course.
I treat my captives as kings.
You'll be given the grandest of accommodations.
It will be a far cry from sleeping over Dr.
Venture's garage like so much Fonzie.
Hey, you put me in a stinky old jail cell last time I was here.
You broke my heart, Hank.
Come on, there, fella, you could have a real problem.
With your lifestyle, who knows? Could be an implant or a space virus A parasite.
Parasite, growing larger by the minute.
It probably wants to eat your brain.
OK, OK! But I don't want you to look.
I'll go behind the screen.
All right.
Let's see 'em.
I don't want to show my junk to a little boy.
Oh, come on! You said you wouldn't look! I'm not looking! Billy, 'fess up to the boy.
He's been pulling that boy genius crap for at least the twenty years that I've known him.
Well, nobody's really that impressed with Master Billy Quizboy, adult genius.
Like a speech impediment and growth hormone deficiency qualifies you as a boy genius.
Don't forget the huge head.
I copped to it.
Now you guys are just ganging up on me.
Could we just do this, please? Holy mackerel! I am not prepared to rule out the parasite hypothesis.
The boss is wicked excited that you're here to celebrate his birthday.
What'd you guys get him? Well, I have a Razzle in my pocket.
I could give him that.
First it's a candy, then it's a gum.
So that's like two gifts.
You have no idea why we're here, do you? Big birthday bash, what else? Yeah.
That's it.
Well, it doesn't look like the Monarch needs anything.
He's got a flying cocoon sharp henchmen in peak physical condition.
He's got it all.
Morning, sleepyheads.
Heh, wish I had your life, sleeping all day.
So, I trust you found the lodging provided to be agreeable? I had to sleep in my clothes.
Now I feel gross wearing them two days in a row.
You're kidding me, right? That's the only outfit I've ever seen you in.
Well, it doesn't mean I never wash it.
Fair enough.
Number Twenty-Seven! Get the kid a change of clothes.
How about you? You OK? I didn't sleep in my clothes.
Twenty-Seven! Burn his sheets! Gentlemen, welcome to the heart of the Monarch's lair the living nerve center of my ominous body.
This is where it all happens.
Relax and enjoy the show.
Are you going past the fridge? Can you get me a Fresca? Well, what do we usually do? You make some "I'm gonna get Dr.
Venture" speech and then, you know.
Well, we can't do that.
Man, this is sad.
Crap, you scared me! Don't you have nothing else to do but harp on Dr.
Venture? Why haven't you tried the world domination thing? You afraid of the big leagues? Please, how stupid do I look to you? World domination.
I'll leave that to the religious nuts and the Republicans, thank you.
But I wouldn't be so quick to judge.
The Monarch has his hands in many sinister soups.
It's just an off day.
I thought my birthdays were lame.
Well, the good news is you don't have a parasite.
The bad news is that you have a condition known as acute testicular torsion.
- What does that mean? - Well, in a nutshell no pun intended your balls pulled a one-eighty.
In a way, you're kind of lucky.
It only happens to one in four thousand.
It's like you won the genetic freak lottery.
I blame myself.
Oh, there's nothing you could have done.
I could have fixed this in the prototype phase.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Raising a son is an experiment no scientist is prepared for.
That's beautiful, Billy.
I just came up with that.
Come on! They have one female servicing a large group of males.
That implies a species that lays eggs.
Oh, my God, you're crazy.
They are so obviously mammals! Please! She'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs.
Smurfs don't lay eggs! I won't tell you this again.
Papa Smurf has a [bleep.]
-ing beard.
They're mammals! Well, what happens now? We have a couple of options here.
We can do nothing.
It'll probably keep swelling and let me tell you that beach ball you're packing down there can't afford that.
Or I could perform orchiopexy.
That means he wants to operate on you and you know, tie it down.
No way! He's not gonna operate on me! Dad, can't you fix this! Aren't you a doctor? Make it go away! Please! Take it easy, Dean.
Well, what happens if we wait? That's not so good.
My guess is that in a couple of hours your son's testes are going to die, then atrophy.
Think raisins.
Or better yet you know when you're eating peanuts and you crack one open and the little nut is all dark and crammed into one corner You're finished, right? As for untwisting them, I don't know which way they spun.
Unless you're that guy from INX S and that's, like, your thing the pain would be excruciating.
All right! Let's just get this over with.
Nurse, prep the patient and shave the region.
Nurse? You said I was your technician.
Do you have to shave it? I just grew those.
Distress call from cellblock "C.
" Excellent! Put it up on the big screen! I want the captives to see it.
Where's the big guy? He's gonna miss this.
Boss, there's a monster down here! I think it was two ninjas taped together to make one giant ninja.
I saw it climb the wall.
It was a giant spider! See? Now we're talking here, huh? Giant spider in the cocoon.
Where's Samson? I can't believe he's not here to see this.
All right, what happened? And one at a time.
We're standing here talking, right? Then suddenly something cuts number Forty-Three's tendon.
It was horrible.
Oh, his calf muscle rolled up like a window shade! He just kept screaming till he passed out.
Party's over, Monarch.
It's time I shut down this little tree fort of yours.
Brock Samson.
I had a hunch you were behind this.
Your arrogance will be your undoing.
I will get you, Brock Samson! Numbers Eighteen, Thirty-Eight, Forty, and Thirty-One Secure the prison level.
Engineering, I want a steady stream of cyanide pumped into the vents of section one through four.
Move! Oh, and Brock? - What? - Thank you.
No, please, no! No! Release the butterflies! OK.
Whose job was it to feed the butterflies? Way to go, Billy.
Nice job.
And that knot you tied, what is that, a sheep shank? Yeah, it's my signature.
It sure makes a statement.
High five.
Come on, would you stop with that? Really.
Brock is totally wailing on you guys.
The screen says you just lost another unit.
Nonsense! He's in my world now.
The cocoon's internal defense system was designed by a genius me! We're merely toying with him, drawing him out.
Let him take as many pawns as he needs! Hey! - Hey what? - Can I try that on? It's all pinned to the cowl.
Kind of a pain in the ass to get back on.
You scream, I'll break your neck.
You understand me? You're going to take advantage of me, aren't you? Well, be quick with it.
To be honest with you, I never really considered that.
Why not? Just didn't.
Well, I'm not gonna beg.
What happened to my underwear? You can't wear underpants until we remove the dressing, sweetie.
What's going on? What are all those people doing here? I thought you might need some cheering up! I've brought you a Zuni fetish doll for being such a brave little trooper.
I do hope you don't already have one.
You're good as new, maybe even better.
I hooked you up with the complete package if you know what I mean.
I don't.
A warm freezer pop.
How thoughtful.
I saved these for you.
I was gonna tape them in a scrapbook, but here.
They're your pubic hairs.
Thanks I guess.
Hey, Triana.
Kiss him.
That would be so cute.
Aw, sweet.
So tell me, is this the most humiliating moment of your life, or what? Easily.
Let the girlfriend go! It's me you want.
Give me the boy, Monarch.
The boy's with me now.
He has tasted the fruits of supervillainy and found them sweet.
- No, I haven't.
- OK, fine! Give me the girl or your precious Hank Venture dies! Monarch, we have transmission from the Venture compound.
It's your father! Everybody scramble! Uh, act like nothing happened.
Hold that transmission.
Get these corpses out of here! - Hello.
Come in, Monarch.
- Go, go, go! This is Dr.
Thaddeus Venture.
What is your status? Over.
- And who may I say is calling? - Down, down! You know damn well who I am.
I just said this is Dr.
Thaddeus Venture.
Now put the Monarch on.
Yes! This is the Monarch.
Everything is super great and normal here.
- What are you talking about? - Has your son died yet? Or was he faking it? No, he had a legitimate medical condition and that's been solved.
My testicles spun around.
Hey, Hank.
I had emergency surgery.
Dean, Daddy's talking now.
I'm ready to finish this business with you now so if we what? Is that blood all over you? What's going on over there? Oh, this? This is jelly.
We were just enjoying a gift pack of assorted jams and preserves.
Yummy! Brock! Hank! Everything is fine, Doc.
- We just had a little - Party! - We had a birthday party.
- Hey, Pop! - Is that true, Hank? - I guess.
Hey, Dean! Hank, I had my pubes shaved.
I'm gonna put them under my pillow for the tooth fairy! Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours? Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.
And what are you wearing? It's the Monarch's crown! We had a party.
Look, this is ridiculous.
I'm taking Dean back to the Amazon as per our arrangement.
Over and out! Well, if it isn't the late Dr.
Thaddeus Venture blah, blah, blah.
Come on, get to the end part.
I can't feel my hands.
Very well, Dr.
I, too, am anxious to see you severely mangled for below you swims the dreaded candiru, a naughty little fish with a penchant for swimming up a man's urethra.
Come on, just do it.
Oh, you're real fun.
Cut the rope! And let them feel the sting of the Monarch! Time-out! Go Team Venture! Testicular torsion isn't just something on TV.
It's a real problem.
Testicular torsion occurs only in males usually under twenty-five years of age.
If you're experiencing sharp pains in the scrotum swelling in one or both testes, or even blood in your semen your genitals are most likely dying.
That's right, Doc.
So if you want to keep them, you need to seek medical attention as soon as you experience pain, like Hank and Dean here did.
So don't be a jackass.
Go see a doctor.
If you want to keep your testicles healthy, remember these three words: Stop Touch And tell.
To find out more about testicular torsion, you can look in special medical books.
Or on the interweb.

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