The Venture Bros (2003) s01e13 Episode Script

- 911? - Please, Rocky is killing people! - It's Rocky! - Sir, calm down.
Now, where are you? It's a big movie theater on Main.
Oh, my God, Rocky has a knife! You're watching "Rocky"? - Rocky what? "Rocky 4" with lvan Drago? - Horror! Another baffling mystery successfully solved by the best family in the universe.
Whatever, keep it moving.
These shoes are wreaking havoc on my heel spurs.
I just can't believe the Phantom of the Cineplex was Old Man Johnson all along.
What I can't figure out is why he did it.
Apparently to screw your father out of yet another commission because you don't need a $100,000 spectral analytical ectoplasmic locator to catch a jackass in a rubber mask! Doc, you OK? What the hell is that? It's nothing, Brock.
Probably a hernia I've had it forever.
It'll pop back in in a few hours, always does.
Oh, Doc, what the f Get back on the X-1.
We're taking you to a hospital, stat! Brock, will you stop worrying for once and This is serious.
You can say that again.
Dad's becoming a real fatty.
No, Hank! I think Pop is pregnant! Medic! What's this? Another one? Were you guys at "The Rocky Horror Show"? Yeah.
Could you please help him? Orderly.
Put him in O.
R.
Three.
The O.
R.
Is all full, Doctor, and they just keep coming! The Cineplex just called.
They found a few more in the projection booth! OK.
You'll have to put him in Maternity.
Maternity? You weren't kidding, Deano.
Pop really is having a baby.
I think I need a cigarette.
I'm sorry, sir, medical personnel only beyond this point.
I'm staying with him.
I go where he goes.
You must be his partner then.
Not really, it's more like I work for him.
Wait a minute! No! Look, you two, I'm dying in here.
Have you heard anything from Dr.
Girlfriend? We've been calling her every hour, and we keep getting her machine.
Did you try the cellular phone? Yeah, we followed your instructions to the letter.
It's just that Have you destroyed the giant cocoon headquarters? Not yet.
Have you sent the charred remains of Wonderboy to his beloved Captain Sunshine? - Yes.
- Rewound and returned the director's cut of "Working Girl"? We tried, but Unleashed the herpes-smeared sexbots upon the traitorous members of the Guild? - Yep.
- Filled Phantom Limb's garage with clingy, static-charged Styrofoam packing peanuts? No.
Sent apology letters to each of my sponsored Ugandan foster children? - Check! - Have you killed the Venture brothers? I don't know.
It might be nice to have a little brother or sister.
How are we supposed to go on adventures With some little crumb-snatcher tagging along? And how's Brock gonna look all cool if he has to wear one of those harnesses on his chest? Oh, God, it's Rocky! - No! Not again! - Well Has Pop - had it yet? - Not yet, Dean.
Don't you worry, though.
Your dad's a tough little dude.
He's gonna pull through.
Listen, there's no use in you two hanging around.
I want you to take a taxi back to the compound.
I called Dr.
Orpheus.
He's gonna look after you.
Who wants pizza rolls? Thanks, Dr.
O.
Hey, what's the green stuff? That's chai tea, Hank.
I've been receiving a steady shipment of it ever since I saved the emperor from an army of clay samurai warriors.
Oh.
It's good! I think it tastes a bit like Play-doh, but Pumpkin adores it.
Is, uh she coming home tonight? Wouldn't you like to know.
She's attending an electronic music recital.
She will be arriving home near midnight I suspect smelling mysteriously of cloves.
Do you know when we can go back home? Mr.
Samson seemed vague about that, but it could be quite awhile.
So, I suggest that you get comfy.
There is a television behind the El Greco.
Sadly, the remote has vanished from the material sphere so it's stuck on Animal Planet.
Thanks, Dr.
O.
I'm sure we'll be fine.
Good night, you princes of Venture, you kings of sleepovers.
Well, I have good news.
- Oh, thank - And bad news.
You son of a bitch! OK, fine.
Hit me with it.
Don't soft soap me.
Give it to me straight.
I can take it.
The good news is the operation was a success.
We were able to remove the entire tumor from your midsection.
See, you big worrywart.
What's the bad news? I Oh, jeez This is really hard.
Oh, God.
It's the big "C," isn't it? You did this to me! All that secondhand smoke! You should be the one in this bed, mister! No, no, no, Dr.
Venture.
The tumor was benign.
It's just that Well, uh, we cannot find it.
What do you mean you can't find it? Well, we took it out, and I don't know.
When I finished sewing you up, I turned around, and it was just gone.
Gone.
Well I want a second opinion.
Oh, wait I'm a doctor! I can give myself one! You suck, and I'm leaving.
This is how it's always gonna be.
What do you mean? Now that Dad has a brand-new baby, he's not gonna want us hanging around.
I'll bet he just leaves us here.
You're crazy.
Dad would never do that.
Well, I, for one, ain't gonna stick around to find out.
I'm out of here.
I'm not gonna play second banana fiddle to some stupid ol' baby! Well, not me.
I'm staying right here.
I'll be sleeping in a room right next to Triana.
And then she'll hear, like, thunder or something and she'll run into my room all scared and stuff.
And I'll be, like, "Hush, my darling.
It's just ionized air molecules expanding.
" And she'll be, like, "Oh, hold me.
" And then I'll, like Dude, if we stay here, that means that we'll be Dr.
Orpheus' kids.
And that means Triana will be your sister.
And that means you two will have extra-retard babies.
I never thought of that.
All right, I'm with you.
The medical board will be getting one stern little letter from Dr.
Thaddeus S.
Venture, I can assure you.
I can have quite the poison pen when l - What? - What? Hey, buddy, you didn't happen to see a, uh experimental supersonic aircraft, did you? Oh, you're kidding me! Silver about 100 feet long.
No? Nuclear engines No? Pumpkin, you're up early And you've changed out of your jam-jams into the clothes you wore last night.
How frugal of you.
Did you just get home? Kim was totally plastered, and then we were like Sweetie, let me love you.
Don't make this hard for us.
Now we have the Venture twins staying with us and they're not in the den.
I sense something is amiss.
Is there something else you forgot to tell Daddy? They ran away.
They said they were going to the city to become famous lion-tamers.
Mr.
Venture trusted me with his offspring.
I have failed him! For, even now, they could be in peril! Remember when I ran away? I just went to Rachel's house.
So try not to embarrass them for me.
Don't worry, Pumpkin, it is not my intention to shame them.
I just have to keep them safe.
I will be their shadow Nay, their unseen guardian angel! Pumpkin, get me my cloak.
Why don't you wear the All right, fine.
Get me my blue windbreaker! Dude, look on that mountain! A haunted mansion.
So what? A haunted mansion! Ghosts and evil scientists and stuff.
What? Am I hearing things? Am I all alone out here? Didn't you just feel the wind of freedom ripping through your sweater vest? Can't you hear the wind calling, little miss, little miss can't-be-wrong? We're free.
We are the future.
You're still thinking like the old Dean.
You're right.
Screw that junky old mansion! Boy, the world better watch out for us because we're on the fast road to now-town! Haunted castles! Who needs 'em? Not me! Not me! Go Team - Guys? - Brothers? I'll tell you what the problem is they just give Ph.
D.
s out in India.
The medical schools over there are like Apex Tech with bigger bugs.
You should have stayed at the hospital, Doc.
Just put me on the bed.
And bring up the big TV.
Oh, and can you fluff up the husband? There you go.
Here's the clicker, here's H.
E.
L.
P.
eR.
's remote.
I'm gonna go downstairs, make you some soup.
What would I do without you, Brock? You would have died.
Oh, Brock, don't forget the big TV when you come back up.
And maybe a couple of my special aspirins and some applesauce, ginger ale, a couple more blankets the "New York Times," Britney records What the? Doc, we've got a problem.
I want you to stay put.
There's someone in the compound.
Yeah, what about the big TV? What'll it be, sugar? The flask of sugar seems to be filled, but your concern has been noted.
Now, please stand to the side.
You gonna order anything or not? I made the purchase of this Homeboy figurine from the vending machines in your sitting room.
I've had a long day.
You can either order some food or leave.
Fine.
Now, let me see.
No, no.
I will have a tonic.
What kind of tonic? Moxie.
We don't have that.
Birch beer.
Nope.
The pancakes, please.
And, yes, I know what time it is.
I'll be having them for lunch.
Pretty cool, right? And you? And the gentleman will be having the lamb dinner and a side of whatever disco fries are.
Mr.
Pibb? Tell me you have Mr.
Pibb.
Grape, orange, or cola? Grape.
That waitress was totally into me.
She knows a good deal when she sees it.
I might let her kick the tires of the old Hank machine.
Me, ah! I got a girl back home.
So you can have her.
Hey.
Check that yokel with long hair.
Oh, I think she's cute.
Hello, Rusty.
Daddy? What are you doing in Mommy's womb? I came to tell you, son, there is another Venture.
Why are you talking like Yoda? This is your dream, Rusty, you tell me.
Hello, Rusty.
Who the hell are you? Don't you recognize me, Rusty? It's been a while, I know.
I get it, you're supposed to be my father, right? - I'm still dreaming.
- This is no dream.
Fine hallucination whatever.
I must be still woozy from the painkillers, though.
I got your head all wrong.
Forty-three years ago you tried to kill me.
Forty-three years ago I wasn't even I'll give you a hint.
We used to share a rather cramped little one-bedroom down on Mommy Street.
Is that my oven? And that bit there That's the capacitator from my robot! Just what is going on here, mister? Consider these bits of crap I've stolen the first small installments of what you owe me, Rusty.
That's OK, Rusty, I've waited this long.
I can wait a few minutes more.
Hey, boy.
Why don't you get a haircut? You hear me, boy? Are you deaf, or are you just a faggot? May I suggest that you two gentlemen take your local color elsewhere? You're drawing undesirable attention to my presence.
What are you gonna do about it? You're wearing pantyhose.
- What? - He is 'cause he's a gay-boy.
Consider this your final warning.
You do not know the risk you are taking.
For a whisper from my lips could open your mind to a world of arcane tortures.
Faggot.
Check, please.
Brock, come in, Brock.
Your beloved Brock won't be saving you this time.
I've already seen to that.
Go ahead, try and hurt me, mister, because you're not getting in here.
Those walls are solid ste Oh, you just don't get it, do you, Rusty? You can't escape me.
I know all your tricks.
Do you know that you were doing fifteen on a sixty-five-mile-per-hour highway? We did not, officer.
But if you call our father, he should be able to clear all this up.
Dean! We don't have a father anymore.
All right, what's going on here? And what are those? Hover-bikes.
Where do kids like you get hover-bikes, selling weed to classmates, huh? Get 'em hooked early, right? Nothing like a steady customer.
Which reminds me, shouldn't you boys be in school right now? We don't go to school.
We have a bed that teaches us everything.
Oh, I get it now dust head.
Let's get off the floating chopper.
He's not a dusty head.
We really do have beds equipped with audio-suggestive learning aids.
Dabbling in super-science, eh? All right, you two, I know just the place for boys like you.
Oh, dear.
Help us! Who the hell are you? Who else? I'm your brother, Rusty.
Your twin brother.
That's impossible.
I don't have a You sucker-punched me in the womb.
I've been inside you all your life watching, listening, planning, waiting.
You jerry-rigged my body.
That's why I have all these blackouts.
I thought it was the pills.
Your body's a mess.
It's become absolutely uninhabitable.
Yeah, well, I don't remember asking you to live in me.
Wait a minute! You're why I've been having all these F-ed up dreams.
You're probably why I lost my hair, too, aren't you? You stole my hair! You're probably wondering why you're here.
You're here because you done [bleep.]
up too many times! You think you're hot [bleep.]
In a champagne glass but you're really cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup! And if you keep up like you been doing this is where you're headed.
That's funny to you, right?! 'Cause you're so [bleep.]
bad? I know your type.
You think I'll just get me a costume, rip off the neighborhood kids.
Next thing you know, you've got a jet shaped like a skull with lasers on the front.
This is totally gay.
What? Think this is gay, huh? Is that what you [bleep.]
said, you scrawny piece of [bleep.]
? Oh, this isn't gay.
But King Gorilla over there is.
And I'll bet he just can't wait to snap off a piece of your [bleep.]
in his [bleep.]
.
You! Get up! I said get the [bleep.]
up! - What's your name? - Dean Vent Your name is bitch! And I own you.
You're property! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame King Gorilla, you got a cigarette? There.
I just sold you for a cigarette And I don't smoke! Holy [bleep.]
! You're Dean [bleep.]
Venture! King, I gotta buy my bitch back.
Here's your cigarette.
[Bleep.]
You.
Give me a dollar.
H.
E.
L.
P.
eR! H.
E.
L.
P.
eR.
, listen to me.
Doc's in trouble.
I need you to drive my car.
You can fly the X-1, but you don't know how to drive stick? That's great, now punch it.
I'll navigate.
No, H.
E.
L.
P.
eR.
, it's the it's the right one and it's a pedal! It's on the floor! Reverse, H.
E.
L.
P.
eR.
, reverse! OK, right.
Right, H.
E.
L.
P.
eR.
No, my right! I wish I had a program like this when I was young someone to tell me to knock off all the evil science [bleep.]
.
Man, I was just like you.
Then one [bleep.]
day a vat of super-heated [bleep.]
plasma blew up in my [bleep.]
face What the [bleep.]
are you boys doing in the big house? Well, our dad had a baby, so we ran away.
And then we got arrested for not speeding enough.
You shouldn't even be alive.
- Huh? - I put out a hit on you.
Super-sorry.
But, you know, I'm in mother-[bleep.]
prison here.
My life is [bleep.]
.
Dr.
Girlfriend left me.
Why would you want to kill us? Because she needs her space! Like I didn't give her space! She had the whole [bleep.]
cocoon! Now I'm gonna show you all what it feels like to be a victim of super-villainy.
Give me your shoes.
I said get those mother-[bleep.]
shoes off and throw them here! Now, give me your wallet.
There! How does that feel? How does what feel? I just took your wallet! Still want to be a super-villain? Well, I do now.
You have my wallet.
Stand back, or so help me, I'll blast you to kingdom come! Please.
You couldn't blast me to kingdom three-feet-from-here with that thing.
But this, on the other hand, will incinerate you where you stand.
Nice try, junior, but I know you're bluffing.
I never got that stupid thing to work.
You, no.
But I did.
You see, I was meant to be the son of the late, great Jonas Venture.
I'm superior to you in every way.
Every way? Check the mirror.
You look like a talking fist sticking out of an oven.
You stole my life from me.
Well, guess what, Rusty I'm taking yours, and I'm claiming my birthright.
The Venture empire is mine! I'm in for murder! You boys don't want to end up in here.
This place is full of [bleep.]
animals.
I don't mean King Gorilla, Hank.
I mean, this place will chew you up and spit you out.
No, I'm not talking about Mecha Mouth, Hank.
Oh, this was a big mistake.
[Bleep.]
-A, right! This is all wrong.
You boys are the [bleep.]
Venture brothers! You've had your little adventure, go the hell home.
[Bleep.]
that [bleep.]
! Hank Venture, what is wrong with you? You're changing into an extra-bad person.
Do you even know how many baby angels you just killed by saying that? Oh, my glory! You're right! What's happening to us? We searched for freedom, And it landed us in jail.
I bet Dad's worried sick.
And Brock he loves you, Hank, I just know it.
Oh, this is just gay.
Look, I gotta get back to yelling at regular kids, all right? Brock! Wait! Don't! He tried to kill you, Doc.
I know, but He's my brother.
You're in shock, Doc.
Let me handle this.
Brock, seriously.
Samson, I'm giving you an order.
You're my bodyguard, right? Well, he came out of my body.
So, you'd be violating your primary Yeah, yeah, I get it, Doc.
Looks like botched attempted fratricide runs in the family.
So, does this mean we're even now? Oh, not by a long shot, Rusty.
I think you owe me something for forty-three years of hell.
Fine.
Whatever.
I'll give you the old Venture compound on Spider-Skull Island.
Just, please, stop calling me Rusty.
I haven't been called that since I was out of college.
Wait a minute.
What do I call you? Jonas.
Jonas Venture, Junior.
Hello! My apologies, Dr.
Venture.
I'm loathe to intrude while you're entertaining guests but there's a matter that needs your urgent attention.
What is That's Doc's deformed twin brother he absorbed in the womb who's come back for revenge, but now they've made up, so Fine, take the busted up chifforobe.
That's fair.
And you can have the X-2.
The boat? What do I need the boat for? OK, take it easy.
What else do you want? Do you want Dean? You can have Dean.
He can carry you on his back like Masterblaster.
What's with the low-speed chase? Come now, Mr.
Venture I think your boys have suffered enough embarrassment what with being bailed out of prison by the rumble-bumble likes of us.
I figure letting the boys drive ahead might return an ounce of their well-earned independence.
For the folly of youth has Fine! I can't believe we have a new baby uncle! Every Christmas, he's probably gonna give us a Jovan Musk gift pack.
And we'll have to pretend he's not all creepy-looking.
Oh, I'll bet we're gonna have to kiss him! Right? Dude, did you shake his hand? It was like shaking hands with a chicken dinner.
That's all of them but "kill the Venture brothers.
" So, if you see a place we can get ammo for this, pull over.
I think the Monarch meant that metaphorically.
What have you got here? That's a Homeboy.
But be careful.
That houses the souls of two foul-mouthed rednecks! Oh, my hair's in my goggles again.
I can't see squat! I'm so sick of you complaining.
That's it, next salon we see, you're getting a trim.
I'm growing a ponytail.
Hold on.
I'm gonna ask those kids on the mini bikes up there.
Where can we get a haircut? And ammo for this? Hey, you're on the stick shift! I can't see the road! Two angels are plucked from the heavenly sky In an instant they're gone In the blink of an eye If you listen close you'll hear Cherubs cry Oh Look away No! All right, get their clothes.