The Venture Bros (2003) s03e03 Episode Script

The Invisible Hand of Fate

1 QUIZBOY: All right, come on.
Come-- Damn it, White! How many times do I have to tell you about refilling the roll? Huh? [ Grunts .]
I can-- Am I too short? I can't reach it.
Oh, god! [ Whirring .]
And welcome [ Barking .]
You are not superhuman.
Whi-- White, White, White! White, get in here! Billy, I don't care how big it is I don't want to see what you made in there.
White, I just remembered something.
- What? - Everything.
It all came flooding back to me like a tidal wave things that happened years ago.
I fell off the toilet, and suddenly my hand started doing this weird st-- Wait a minute.
You! You were there, too! Hello, Goldilocks? This is Casper.
Little Nemo has fallen out of bed.
[ Up-tempo music plays .]
Hello, and welcome to "Quizboys"! [ Cheers and applause .]
I'm your host, the ever-popular Pete White.
Let's jump right in and meet today's contestants, shall we? He's our reigning champion, who's won over $40,000 in cash and prizes so far.
- Say hello to Master Billy Whalen.
- Hi, Mr.
So, what are you gonna do with all that money, Billy? Well, I'm hoping to save it for college tuition.
Any idea where you want to go yet? Yes, sir! M.
I'm gonna be a superscientist when I grow up just like my hero, Rusty Venture.
PETE: Well, that's quite Barkeep! Another Suffering Bastard.
Whoa! [ Communicator beeps .]
Yello? WOMAN: There you are.
How could you just leave like that without telling me where you were going? Look, you're not my mother.
You're my bodyguard.
How can I guard your body if I can't be close to your body? Good god.
Barkeep, where's that Suffering Bastard?! - I'm looking at him.
- Oh, ha ha ha.
PETE: OK, contestants, pens down.
Time's up.
The question was, "Who was the last king of the Plantagenet dynasty?" Todd, your answer.
Richard III.
That's correct.
OK, Billy, you get this answer right you'll remain "Quizboys" champion and return next week.
For all the marbles what's your answer? That's right! You win! You're still Hey, he cheated! That's not what he wrote! Now, Todd, let's not be a sore loser.
I'm not! That isn't what he wrote! He's a cheater! Cheater! Cheater! [ Audience booing .]
Todd's the little cheater, I'll tell you that.
How's he gonna know what you wrote if he wasn't peeking at your answers? I'm done! My life is over! I'll never quiz again! Forget M.
Aah! I never asked for the answers.
I didn't want to cheat.
You did this to me.
Hey, hey.
Let's not make me out to be the bad guy here, huh? - Us freaks have to stick together.
- Us freaks? Yeah, like, fun.
A handsome TV guy like you you'll probably end up with a talk show out of this.
No, Billy.
You see I'm a freak, too.
Well, some of us can't make our heads smaller with makeup, OK? Look, you said Rusty Venture was your hero, right? And how? Well, I happen to be very good friends with him.
I am, and he told me that he's about to start a huge new project.
And he needs a new head scientist and a new lab assistant.
But-- but-- but what about my schooling? Experience is the best teacher, Billy.
This is better than going to 1 0 M.
The invisible hand of fate has pushed us to this point, Billy.
Our destiny lies with Dr.
Rusty Venture.
- You think he would have me? - I told you I got an in.
We just need to get out to his lab, and I'll take care of the rest.
Now, you got all that prize money, right? No, I don't.
The F.
froze my assets.
Yeah, and I pissed away most of my savings on blow but I've got a brand-new set of wheels, and I think I just might know how we can earn some gas money along the way.
[ Tires squeal .]
little guy O.
We'll tear a new hole in the sky When it's time to start the war You'll hear our mighty engines roar A superarmy of superspies Look out, kids Look out, guy O.
we'll make the children cry O.
Here we come, look up in the sky O.
Mass destruction, bombs away [ Laughter and conversation .]
Well, well, well, well, well.
If it isn't Mr.
McGee and his little friend the Hulk.
Didn't notice you ladies out there in the battlefield, as usual.
That's because we're doing real spy work, Shore Leave.
Oh, that's right, I forgot.
You're too busy chasing some phantom costume terrorist organization to help us fight the real enemies of freedom-- Sphinx.
ALL: Yo S.
! We'll prove the Guild is still around, and we'll take them down without you.
- Just you wait! - I won't hold my breath.
Let's hit the showers, fellas! Whoo! ALL: Yo S.
! Yo S.
! Yo S.
! Oh, Hunter, Wayland Flowers called.
He wants his madame back.
Boom! Oh, yeah? Well, the Village People called and they want you to go fucking kill yourselves, you pansy bastards! Place has gone to hell in a ham sandwich since they eighty-sixed the dress code.
Those fellas razzing you? You want me to say something to them? - No, we got it covered, Red.
- Ha ha.
Adiós, muchachos.
Oh, you hear they're gonna ban smoking in here soon? Hmm, let the swines try it.
Colonel Gathers, this just came in over the telex for you guys.
We got one.
I've only heard about these.
I didn't know they were real.
Oh, this is as real as it gets, Billy.
No lightning rounds, no bonus questions, no mercy.
You're going down, Whalen.
Don't even think about pulling any of that cheating crap in here.
Yeah, you know what they do if they catch you cheating, don't you? They take one of your hands-- your buzzer hand.
W-White-- White, I can't do this.
Oh, yes, you can, fella.
I've seen a lot of quiz boys come and go, and you are by far the best I've ever seen.
You were put on this Earth for one purpose, Billy, to quiz.
Now, I robbed you of that purpose once, and I'm sorry.
Will you let me make it up to you? ANNOUNCER: Stage moms, clear the arena.
Ladies and gentlemen, quiz boys and girls Welcome to the quiz doom.
"Jeopardy!" rules apply-- answers in the form of a question.
You have five seconds after buzzing.
Winner take all.
And first question: in 121 5 [ Buzzer .]
Billy Whalen.
- What is the Magna Carta? - Correct! [ Cheers and applause .]
[ Buzzer .]
[ Engine roars .]
[ Cash register dings .]
Cows on my side.
That's 6-2, me.
Monster! I'll catch you yet.
Show yourselves, you cowards! This is a farm belt.
Let's see some action on this side! - Cows on my side.
- Unconscionable bastards.
Oh! Oh! Cemetery! You lose all your cows.
Damn it, this side's cursed.
Your turn to drive, you lurid golem.
This is it, Billy.
Our new life is calling.
White, how can I ever begin to repay you for-- what-- what's going on? touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me! Ya-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na! Aah! It's OK, H.
She's gone now.
- What's goin' on, Rust? - What the hell are you doing here? "All staffed up.
"Try back in a few months.
"Never much good at science any--" Who does he think he is? My life is over.
I have no prospects.
And my boyhood hero is a total dick.
All right, just don't you worry, fella.
The pink pilgrim's gotten you this far.
I'm not gonna leave you hanging when the chips are down.
In fact, I've already lined up another quiz.
This doesn't look like the usual quiz crowd.
Yeah, well, I guess we're close to the border but the game's still the same.
You get in there and work the old magic, huh? Listos, a pelear! [ Growling, barking .]
Aah! I didn't know, Billy, I swear.
QUIZBOY: I'm finished with this, finished.
Just give me my 40% and let me off.
Uh, there is no money.
I-I bet our whole wad, and, well, let's be honest here, Billy, you did lose.
I was disqualified because you jumped in the ring.
To get your hand.
Stop the moped.
Stop this thing right now.
Billy, there's coyotes out here.
You want to lose your other hand? It would be safer than spending one more minute with you.
You brought me nothing but trouble since I met you.
I never want to see you again.
[ Engine revs .]
Oh, by the way, I talked to the other quiz boys.
Managers get 1 5%! [ Engine turns over .]
Son, you look like you could use a hand.
VENTURE: Yello? Rust, it's White.
Let me in, I-- DR.
VENTURE: Venture residence.
Hey, Rust, let me in.
I need to see Bro-- DR.
VENTURE: Whom shall I say is calling? Come on, Rust, don't be a dick.
VENTURE: [ Laughing .]
[ Sighs .]
COMPUTER: Please do not be alarmed.
We are about to engage the nozzle.
Please do not move while the nozzle is engaging.
Moving will disrupt calibration of the nozzle.
Please wait while we calibrate the nozzle.
Please do not look away from the nozzle.
The nozzle is now calibrating.
The nozzle is still calibrating.
The nozzle has completed calibration.
Thank you.
There's our pink-cheeked junior G-man.
What was that thing? I have no idea.
Standard, uh How do you like your new body buddies? Amazing.
You-- you totally fixed everything, but I-I'm still a little confused.
I mean, why me? You fit the profile.
Deformed, disgraced.
An extra-intelligent superfreak shunned by an unforgiving world.
Yeah, that sounds like a profile for, like, suicide.
Or an international supervillain.
We've been investigating a university professor we believe is secretly a major recruiter for a global underground crime syndicate.
The Guild of Calamitous Intent.
From the old Rusty Venture TV show? [ Groans .]
You see? You see?! Well, that's just a dramatiz-iz-iza-- Dramatization.
Yeah, the real Guild is still out there operating in secret-- we think.
And this professor is the key.
Check out his cuff links.
So-- so, you, what, you want me to assassinate this guy or something? No.
We want you to ace his class.
Congratulations, lad.
You're now a fully matriculated student of State University.
I-I kind of wanted to go to M.
And I wanted to be born with big, beautiful tits! Make some lemonade with this, will ya? Ah, young Mr.
Do find a seat quickly, Quizboy.
I was starting to teach your more punctual peers.
Sorry, Professor Fantomos.
I had trouble finding the building.
Yes, yes.
It's a great big, new world for you.
And, Mr.
Quizboy, I heard you were recently exonerated but allow me to impress one thing upon you-- we do not tolerate cheating at State University.
The punishment is severe.
Professor Fantomos, you're needed in the office.
Ah, well, if you'll excuse me, class.
Stevie, would you please take over the lecture for me? Kessler's, chapter four.
And, students, I expect those papers on my desk at the start of the next class.
OK, guys, uh, page 72.
Um, we're learning Suddenly, I'm not so different Suddenly, I'm not so all alone Suddenly, I'm-- Hmm, wonder if it's the same Stevie.
Oh! Ge-- HUNTER: Get ahold of yourself and stop hyperventilating! This is a small car god damn it.
Just keep your cool and don't blow the mission.
We're getting excellent intel out of you.
What intel? I've-- I've been here for a day.
I haven't done any spying yet.
Sure, you have.
That new eye of yours-- actually a 3-D laser matrix holographic camera.
And this little pud puller stores all the data.
What? You guys wired me? Are you kidding? You're a walking wire, and right now you need to walk back in there and do your god-given duty.
There are no free hands in this business, son.
Ehm-- I'm sorry, Sheila but if I extend the deadline for one student I'd have to extend it for all of them.
Well, thank you, anyway, Professor Fantomos.
Whalen, thank you for coming.
Professor Fantomos, if this is about my paper, I'm really sorry.
We'll get to that, but first I wanted to see how you were holding up and extend my deepest condolences about Stevie.
Oh, I'm the one who should be sorry.
I understand he was your lab assistant for some time? Yes, he was quite a clever boy-- regrettable, which brings us to the other reason I asked you here.
My paper.
You see-- I'll be needing a new lab assistant, and I'd like him to be you.
Me? Oh-- oh-- oh, I-I don't think I'm ready.
Nonsense! I read your paper.
It was brilliant, perfect.
Frankly, I think my class may be beneath you.
And this ingenious contraption you've built-- based on a Mike Sariamo design, is it not? He was a student of mine, you know.
Ah, the brightest mind I've ever taught-- until now.
There's something you should know, William.
Like you, I was born different.
Yes, my family rejected me the last son in a long line of costumed adventurers.
Clearly, I couldn't take on the mantle of my forebears with this body, so I instead turned to science.
What nature, in her caprice, left unfinished science had the power to make whole again.
And now that I've acquired this, my work here is nearly complete.
You see, I've recently become the beneficiary of a rather generous grant from the Guild of collegiate investors.
Oh, I-I-- what? Oh.
Well, OK, well, I'd love to help you, professor but I don't know if I can handle the extra work.
Nonsense! The university bylaws clearly stipulate that the roommate of a suicide is automatically granted a 4.
0 for the semester.
You've got a free ride Mr.
Whalen, that I might have you all to myself.
The invisible hand of fate has brought us together, Quizboy.
We freaks-- if you'll pardon the crude vernacular must work in tandem.
I don't think he's your guy.
Of course he is.
All the intel points to it, damn it.
Again with the intel.
You saw what he said.
He's not in the Guild of Calamitous Intent.
It's like a businessman's club or something.
That's what they said about the Bilderberg group, son and then whammo! Berlin Wall comes tumbling down.
- No, it hasn't.
- Oh, it will, kiddo.
It was decided at the last meeting.
Billy, you got to do the lab-assistant gig.
- You're our only hope now.
- What do you mean, "now"? Well, look, I didn't want to tell you this but Stevie was our other man on the inside.
Code name-- Pussyface.
Is that why he killed himself? Open your eyes, kid.
Your real one.
Fantomos killed him because he was getting too close-- we think.
And you expect me to take his place? No way, José! Relax, he's not gonna kill you.
How can you be so sure? Because he's crazy about you.
He loved your paper.
I never wrote my paper.
I spent the night explaining the dead Stevie in the closet to the campus police.
That's why we wrote it for you.
Well, Stephen Hawking did.
We called in a favor.
That's cheating.
Cheating is what the spy business is all about, boy chick.
Why, if we don't keep our eyes on our neighbof's paper the baddies get the bomb, and the whole world goes kablooey.
You keep thinking you're here on the G.
bill or something, kid.
You are not here to write essays! You're not even in college! You are in the office of secret intelligence, you damn, dirty, little crybaby freak! - Hyah! - Ow! Oh, watch the balls! HUNTER: Get him! Ah, there you are.
Come at once.
The reactor's all fired up and ready.
I need you to monitor the experiment.
Wait, I don't think I'm qualified to do that.
I-I cheated.
Don't you think I know that, William? - You do? - Of course.
You did what any of us who were born different need to do to get a leg up on everyone else particularly when we're born without proper ones.
And what of it? Those quiz-show simpletons have no right to keep a genius from his dreams over petty money.
Quiz show? No, that's not what I was-- Could you be a dear and get that for me? Oh, sure, Professor.
What are you doing? Being born again, my little friend.
These mechanical husks are more than mere prosthetics.
They're muscle-growth accelerators incubators for my glorious new normal limbs.
You're gonna grow new arms and legs? Precisely, my prodigiously perspicacious protégé.
Only the tremendous power I require to do so was always beyond my grasp.
That is, until the Guild provided the atomic get-up-and-go.
Now, fire it up, my boy.
[ Laughs .]
It's-- it's working.
I feel it.
Unspeakable power courses through my every fibrous sinew.
I feel as if I could take over the world! More power! Yes! They're becoming more than normal-- better, stronger dare I say superhuman? More power, William! [ Electricity crackles .]
[ Groans .]
Something's amiss.
Check the core wall displacement sequencer.
I-I-I don't know what that is.
Of course you do.
You wrote a paper on it.
No, Professor Fantomos, I didn't.
I didn't write it.
I cheated! Oh, bother.
Ohh! Aah! Aaahh! Aaaahhh! He died for my sin.
BROCK: Billy, don't worry, we're here! Bad news.
HAINE: The most asinine slop-happiest piece of espionage I've ever seen! Look at me when I'm talking to you, Samson! Don't you want to wait till Hunter gets here? You're gonna strain your voice yelling twice.
Colonel Gathers has been transferred to Guam effective 0700 this morning.
Your windmill-chasing days are over, Sancho Panza.
You got a new assignment.
Aw, come on.
This is rookie stuff.
- Dismissed, Samson! - What about the kid? What, do you want to adopt him?! I said take it on the arches.
Psi-Ops needs guinea pigs for their memory-wipe project, OK? So, unlike you, he still works here.
[ Slow guitar music starts .]
[ Music ends .]
PETE: Billy? Billy, you OK, fella? White.
Venture, where-- It's OK, Pally.
You just took a little fall is all.
You're safe now.
Oh, I was having the weirdest-- you sons of bitches! PETE: Come on! Oh, hey, hey!
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