The Venture Bros (2003) s04e07 Episode Script

The Better Man

I conjure and constrain thee! Demons of the equal sphere! Creatures of the second world! Enter my circle and do my will! For I command this! Torrid's a dick.
Who does that? Who opens up hell? Honestly.
If Torrid gets the portal open we're done for.
Once the second world comes through, we haven't the power to stop them.
I gotta be honest I'm scared.
I'm at like a nine scared.
Nine point three, maybe.
We should all be at ten! There isn't a sorcerer alive who has the ability to fight the denizens of the second world I'm a ten.
If Orpheus is going Bo Derrick, then I'm pushing it up to eight.
I admire your bravery.
Now are you ready to wage our final battle? What? Hell no.
I have one more thing to try.
Stop being a pud! Knock it off, ya dingbat! Nobody wants you to open a door to hell! Nooo! I command thee! Nooo! Please! Aaaahhhh! Something just came out of the vortex and killed Torrid.
So that happened.
The time is now! Triad, join me! For I am Dr.
Orpheus! Master of mysticism! I don't want to do that introducing ourselves bit.
It's goofy.
Let's not die being goofy.
I'm with Al.
Maybe we could sing a Stevie Wonder song together? Yeah, that's not much better.
Triad! Attack! Are you okay?! I'm pretty sure that all my ribs are broken! Can someone help!? Haristum, lend me your power of fire! Nice! You made it bigger.
Forget him.
Shoot me! Kill me! Back to the depth from which you came! He was just dead.
He'll be fine.
Till the next time, gentlemen.
Black lightning! Ride! Call me! "Call me"? What was that? Instinct? He's adorable.
I panicked.
Who was that guy? That guy was The Outrider.
Oh my god! That's the guy who -- Stole my wife! Did Uncle Gentleman die again? What's with the suit? Nothing.
Is it illegal to look good? Yeah, in this house it kinda is.
You think I like wearing prison pajamas with position locators sewn into them? Yes.
That's because I look good in them! But if you are gonna wear that, there is a little appointment I'd like to make to mine.
So this has nothing to do with Triana and her father piling up crap on our front lawn? Oh, is she out there too? Dean.
When are you just gonna admit it? Admit what? Admit that I can still rock a kerchief! Score? Get out! Where did I blow it? For one, you killed Matthew Lesko.
That was-- well he was wearing punctuation on his suit! That's a total bad-guy suit! He helps people get free money from the government.
That is a good guy.
It's reflected in your score.
What's the use in training? I have no magic powers! The second someone uses magic, I get killed.
That was humbling for all of us.
It was like he pulled down our pants and powdered our bottoms.
He brought me back to life.
I'm serious.
I saw my dead mom.
And she was all "Jefferson, head into the light," and I was like "I can't Mom, I have to stay here and get my ass kicked by a guy made outta fire.
" Thank God that Outrider guy was there.
Don't let Orpheus hear that.
If you'd a' told me you were gonna have a yard-sale, I would've brought Dean's ever growing collection of apple head dolls.
It's not a yard-sale.
This configuration is a portal to the second world! Sure it is.
I don't get it.
It's an ego thing.
My dad thinks that if The Outrider can travel through hell, he can too.
Isn't The Outrider married to your mom? Yeah.
I only met him once.
I was eight.
If I was your dad, and you were your mom, and the you that wasn't your mom was another girl, I would never let anyone take the you-mom.
That would be really sweet if it wasn't so confusing.
I'm sorry.
Ooh! Can I pet your pussy? There is no irony in that, is there? It's soft.
Your pussy hates me.
Did Orpheus open the ridiculous pile of crap he calls a portal yet? Is that what that is? Oh, hey.
Can I ask you something? You're gay right? - Yeah.
- What's it look like? Does it look real, or all Frankenstein? - Hank? - Your dingus.
Does it look real? What is Kid Crazy talking about? He thinks you're transgender.
Hank, it looks real because it is real.
I'm gay.
That doesn't mean I was born a woman.
I have a regular "dingus" as you say.
Hank, aren't you just a little ashamed of your ignorance? Like just a little? Yeah.
O thou great and powerful Amaymon, I invoke and command thee to open these gates to the second world! Maybe you forgot to plug it in.
Something has come through! Oh come on! And did you have to do that? Is the whole of this world your personal bathroom? It was Simba She's okay.
It's my cat.
She's from this world.
What was supposed to happen? My mom calls his cell phone and tells him he's a better kisser, I think.
Did the portal work? Is he in hell yet? Oooh, he's in hell alright.
Master? Master? Master? Tatjana? What are you doing here? I was just sitting here thinking how glad I am that I left you for The Outrider.
And how he does that thing you used to do with your mouth, but better because he can hold his breath longer.
Oh, it is you, my master.
Duh, Orpheus.
Now what's all this crybaby crap about? Aren't you used to The Outrider making you look like a schnook by now? He came out of a portal to the second world! I have been training my whole life just to perceive that there is a second world, and he can move between them? Tell me, master.
How can this be? The love of a good woman can do wonders, Orpheus.
I mean look at me.
These are natural C cups.
Aren't they beautiful? I mean, you could bounce a penis off these.
I doubt my ex-wife's breasts are the answer.
It doesn't stop there.
I am sitting on what is easily the ass of a teenager.
What, does she do -- pilates or something? You could rest a coffee mug on it.
Really? She's almost 40 by now.
Tell it to the heinie, Orpheus, 'cause it still thinks it's 1992.
What ya doing? Nothing.
Nothing because our dad, the globe-trotting super action scientist is on the couch, "resting his eyes.
" This blows! I for one am appreciating our newfound sedentary lifestyle.
I appreciate our sedentary -- Oh my God! Why?! For one, I get to hang out with Triana more.
I saw you two.
She treats you like her friend.
I am her friend.
- Aaand, that's it.
- Nuh uhh! - Have you seen her naked? - No.
- Have you kissed her? - No.
- Have you even held her hand? - No.
And are you ready for the super depressing part? Have you helped her shop for shoes? Oh my glory! Dean, she's your hag.
- You're right.
- It's gonna be okay.
I know a place where native girls abound! A paradise of young women all waiting to venture into adventure with a Dean Venture! Get your coat! But master, The Outrider was my student! He was a petulant layabout! There is no way he could achieve this ability! Well, he did.
Maybe he got super good at meditating, I don't know.
- Impossible! - Well, Orpheus, it happened.
Hey, are you looking up my dress? See anything you miss? No I don't miss her astounding beauty daily.
Orpheus, you can't take being bested.
You really thought that you could just build a portal with lawn furniture and go kick his ass? Well, yes.
Yes, I did.
If that insect could do it.
Okay, well go to it, champ! Go find a portal and beat him up! Solved! Just stop whining.
You are giving me a huge headache.
Can you rub my temples? - Must I? - Do you have an aspirin then? - I don't take them.
- What about ibuprofen? - Sorry.
- What about acedo-mino-mophin? - Nope.
- Tylenol PM? - No.
- What about ecstasy? - Nothing.
It's earsplitting, Orpheus.
Maybe I have a brain tumor.
Seriously, you don't know any other way to cure my headache? I can't really think of one.
Oh wait, I have one.
Why don't you leave me alone so I can jump rope naked in front of a mirror in your ex-wife's body.
Welcome to Girl Island.
Hey Madison, got your text.
April! Little busy now, can I hit you back later? Tina, see you got that blue hat.
That you told me about when we were-- Okay, yeah, I'm busy too.
You know all these girls? We talk.
I keep it cas'.
Don't wanna get tied down.
There are tons of ladies out there.
You can't walk into your back yard and fall for the first girl you see.
Hank, you had a crush on the mail lady for like five years.
Ouch, touche.
In my defense, she wore very attractive shorts.
And this isn't about me! You gotta get out there and take a bite outta crime! Alright, let's get this over with what do I do? I've done some research on the getting of ladies.
First off, pull those pants down from your armpits.
Now muss up your hair.
I look like Rufio.
You are the Pan, Dean.
You are the Pan.
Okay, that blonde is showing indicators.
Feigning disinterest is a clear signal.
Now go engage that two-set! What are you saying!? Go talk to them! My brother pushed me.
You blew your opener, so lock in and move to kino escalation.
Body contact! Isolate the target, and enter your set.
I'll run wing on the remainder.
I'm going home.
It's just a freeze-out! You can still reengage and number close! This is inappropriately short.
How did it go? What are you doing in here? Did he mention me? The Master in your daughter's closet, that may not exist? No, he didn't mention you.
It went like it always does.
He tore away at my heart till he kicked me out.
No mystic revelations? Clues to deeper meanings? No, he told me to go to my portal and beat up The Outrider.
Isn't that helpful? That's not the only portal.
Honestly, that's not even 'a' portal.
I think he wants us to go to the original one.
Al! You are again a shining example of the Triad's great spark! Swoosh, and the crowd goes crazy! So can I go into the closet with you next time and meet your mystic Master? No, that's my-- that's my thing.
Oh, hi Pumpkin.
What were you guys doing in my bedroom? Umm, well Al wanted, uh -- I wanted to see your CD collection! Yeah, I'm old-school deathrock.
I used to go to the bat cave when Nick Fiend was still the doorman.
Yes! That's true.
He was.
We'd love to stay and bail ourselves out, but we-- Yes! So with wings of light! By day and night! We make our flight! Hello? - Knew it! - Every time! So close! So close.
No, it's true.
We were way closer to the ground this time.
You know it's me.
You won't admit that the non-magic Blackula hunter is holding you back.
Jefferson, astral peregrination is very difficult.
It could be something as minor as a weight issue.
Okay, that is a genetic problem! So why don't we stop picking on the fat kid and crank this portal up.
Place is creeping me out.
Man, somebody's been practicing.
I didn't do anything.
That's just happening.
Triad! Be unseen! Was something supposed to happen? Are we invisible now, or something? No, I meant that we should hide.
Just like behind something.
Well be specific next time.
Kill me, Outrider.
I have seen too much.
Hell is my every sight, my every thought end my pain! Silat! Anabotas! Deliver this infidel to peace.
His suffering has been long enough.
My pain is yours, Outrider! I devour you! Albrot, abracadabra, el! Enter the dragon's eye! I condemn you to damnation! That was 100% bad-ass! That was total movie cool.
And Torrid actually said "abracadabra.
" I so thought that was a fake magic word.
It's a real magic word.
One of the three holy names Oh, look at his face! Great, so we take credit for killing Torrid, you take credit for kicking The Outrider's ass, then we make a secret pact to never speak of this again.
I've been wrong about The Outrider.
He was noble and good.
We can't leave him like this.
Okay, we drop a rock on his head, then we make a secret pact to never speak of this again.
Help me get him up.
We are going to rescue him from Hell! Hello? Is anyone in here? Hi, sugar-dumpling.
I was just vacuuming.
After this I'm gonna watch TV, then cry myself to sleep.
I don't know, I might wake you up in the middle of the night and threaten to kill myself if you leave me again.
So! How's work? What is this? Who are you? Baby-doll, it's me, your loyal husband, Dean Venture.
I'm your future! Isn't this great?! That's our baby, Rusty Jr.
Well, if you can call it a baby.
It's got like a leg growing out of what would be the head on a regular baby.
And if you squeeze him, poop comes out of his eyes and a little bit under his fingernails.
I just walked into a closet! What is going on? We had a deformed kid because my gene pool is more of like a gene septic tank.
Yeah, I was cloned so much I only make monster babies.
Wait, Dean was cloned? Dean was cloned, Hank was cloned, and you've been here like Surprise! Somebody's been getting her memory wiped! Dean! Deeeean! Deeeean! Hey fart knocker! Over here! Dude, what are you doing here? Came for a new pair of heavy bag gloves.
Tore through my last pair whaling on the bag.
Then why are you wearing a Big Bargains apron? I don't know.
What are you doing here? I thought your old man kept you on a leash.
I can't find my brother and we have to be home by dark.
Sucks to be you.
Oh snap! I found your brother.
Where? Duh, the guy with the other flying scooter.
Holy shit, he's talking to a girl! Maybe we should strip him down and rub him with magic unctions? How will that help him? Him? I was thinking of me.
We can't bring him back till we know how he got there.
There are doors to the second world.
You must exit the one you entered.
So, back to the portal? Portals are like windows.
We need the door.
The original door.
This is confusing.
I'm getting a headache.
I don't have any asp-- wait! Yes! How did I miss it?! The master asked me to cure his headache.
A headache so severe that medication couldn't help.
Of course! Trepanning.
Home brain surgery! I've had all the hot chicks in this town.
Yeah, my new one, she lives out of state.
We hook up whenever I road trip.
Is she pretty? Dude, she's a model.
She's like 23.
Well, Tracy -- that's the girl I just met.
She's a cashier.
You gonna go for that piece? I'm kinda seeing someone else.
What are you, married? Man, do you dig this Tracy girl or what? Well, she seems nice.
And her hair is really pretty.
Well talk to her then.
You don't have to nail her.
Just see what happens.
Man, way to be uptight.
Wait, did you just give good advice? I gotta go check the temperature in hell.
You can both blow me.
It's like he used a bottle opener on his prefrontal cortex.
He all but gave himself a lobotomy.
Holy shit! There's an old marble in here! It's an amulet.
The Eye of Osiris.
They were placed in the wound left after embalming to protect the mummy on his journey to the underworld.
- It's filthy.
- Remove it at once! The Outrider did it.
He found a shortcut to the second world.
I'm not sure if he's the bravest sorcerer, or the stupidest.
It's out! I did it.
So, am I part of the triad? Triad implies three.
So Alright, Then you guys have to pay my rather steep fee.
Welcome to the mystical order of The Triad, special brother Billy! Why is he still like that? We must draw him out! Draw him from hell, with hell.
Quickly! What is the worst thing that ever happened to you?! Ummm, I saw my mom raped by Blackulas.
I was ten she called my name.
I just stood there.
Ahhh, wow.
I can hear him! More ugliness! Ummm, I once saw two homeless guys giving each other oral sex.
Yes! He's closer! More like that.
Okay, this is really gross.
Once I was out of toilet paper so I used cotton balls.
So, you know, I'm wiping, and I think my finger kinda poked through the cotton.
So I -- and do not ask me why -- I smell my finger to check.
I see where this is going.
Quickly, Al! He's so close! Okay, I bring it up to smell it, right.
But somehow the cotton got stuck to my fingers, so when I smell my fingers, the cotton's getting stuck to my razor stubble.
So I have this shitty cotton all over my face! - This can't be good.
- Tell me about it.
Hey, do I really look that short? I mean, you like him, right? Yeah, but not in that way.
I mean, I could maybe.
I don't know.
It's so confusing.
I didn't know I had to make up my mind so fast.
Maybe-schmaby! You gotta set that kid free, or you better start getting into this! Did you know that he is uncircumcised? Yeah, Mr.
Baldy will forever wear his turtleneck.
That's so gross.
Do I have to break his heart? No, you don't have to break his heart, but you do have to clean his penis with a Q-tip.
Okay, I'm the master.
I'm like your dad's omniscient boss.
So let me give you some advice.
Get on with your life.
You think just anyone can walk into your closet and see me? Never thought about that.
That's a regular closet to anyone without the gift! You should start your training now.
And seriously, you can make better money at this stuff than you can as a manager of the Gap.
My dad kinda wants me to go to art school.
And get the world's most useless diploma!? Forget your dad.
He's trying to save you from his life, not yours.
Triana Orpheus, you should go live with your mother and begin your training to be a sorceress.
It's your destiny! And it's way cheaper than art school! Wow.
Ya know, that all seems so right.
It's like everything just makes sense now.
Too bad you will forget all this ever happened.
Okay, a toupee might be too severe.
Maybe a hat? Gentlemen, welcome to Hell.
It kinda looks like Orpheus' kitchen.
I kinda imagined it would be, I don't know, hotter, maybe some lava pits.
I don't like dry cat food.
Simba? Tell your daughter I don't like being scratched near my tail.
She just doesn't get it.
Oh I'm sorry.
Okay, that's better.
More what I was looking for.
I apologize, Outrider.
I was blinded by my jealousy.
I just couldn't deal with being bested in so many ways.
Ya know, I idolized you.
You were everything I wanted to be.
Then when I got to know you, I realized how you got so powerful.
You sacrificed everything.
And I knew there was a quicker way to enlightenment.
Oops, sorry.
I'm in hell.
Quicker, yes.
But clearly more dangerous.
Family was just more important to me.
Whoa! Okay, let me get that That is UmYou dropped your dino-damage.
Yes, I know that I was a rotten husband, and not much of a father, but I tried to -- Why don't you and Brundle-Fly here finish this love-fest outside of Hell? Oh, we can't leave.
You need to be between the two worlds to bring us back.
You are trapped with me.
Are you sleeping? Huh? What? Oh I was just thinking.
Did Triana call? Nobody called you.
Ya know, I don't think you've ever gotten a phone call.
Because if she did, I wasn't here.
I was out with the boys.
Meeting girls and stuff.
If a girl does call, I'll be in my room.
And I'll be here, Dean.
Are you okay? Yeah I'm pretty good.
Well did you have to remove the Eye of Osiris from my brain? That was working great.
Me? Torrid messed that up.
I'm clean.
That guy's a loser.
It's always the guy that opens up hell that gets killed first.
That's basic.
That is, like, first-year villain stuff.
I can hear you guys.
Jefferson, you are between worlds! Dude! You have a magic power! Really?! I'm magic? Yes! Outstretch your hand and bring us home! I'm trying is it moving? Meh.
You really gotta lean into it.
I'm magic! Damn! Magic Blackula hunter! That should do it! Orpheus? After you.
Al, your turn.
Orpheus is back.
I am so totally magic! Ugh! We are never gonna hear the end of this.
No, no, no, really! This woman is easily and she has Orpheus tied up, right Was he kidnapped to perform experimental surgery? No, that's your thing! Five times this year alone! Hi, sweetie.
Can't sleep? Yeah Hey, can we talk? Now if you can't get my phone, you have my e-mail address.
And if that doesn't work you can psychically communicate any time.
Dad! I'm just going to mom's.
I'll see you all the time.
Okay, okay I worry.
Jefferson, you wanna hand me that bag? Hold on! I'll use my magic powers! Yes, uh, why don't you just hand it to me regular? Can we talk? You know what this means, right? Yes, my little girl has grown up.
Ahhh, no.
It means that we are gonna have to throw a huge party in your empty house! I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think we should see other people.
Long distance relationships can be rough.
You are so wise, Dean.
I'm gonna miss you.
Or maybe we could try a long distance relationship? There are too many girls waiting in line.
I can't hog you all to myself.

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