The Venture Bros (2003) s04e14 Episode Script

Assisted Suicide

brock: [ grunts .]
it's touch football! Touch! brock: Oh.
I didn't know.
you did too! You have it in for me! Why didn't you throw dean the Ball?! oh, why do you think? dean: Guys! What's with the tea party?! I am so open! oh, I-I didn't see you there.
I didn't think to check our own End zone! you're just made you didn't Get to be skins.
well, we should have been Skins! We won the damn toss, but dean Was all, "nyah! I don't want to get sunburned! Nyah!" Dean.
Why didn't we get Professor snape or hank? hank: 'cause I'm always on Brock's team.
brock: Somebody's in my car.
all right, that is a Legitimate superpower.
hank: Seen him do that from Another country away.
[ scoffs .]
Big deal.
dean: Come on! Give me a chance! I'm wide open here! brock: Oh, what the hell are You doing? Well, obviously, you're not Serious because you know that I Converted my engine to electric.
It's not only green, it's 100% Crybaby suicide proof.
Now let's talk this out.
Nobody's gonna road-flare their Brains out.
Now what's going on, huh? What happened this time? Time's up.
Let's go.
don't pressure him.
I've been in his shoes.
I've seen my wife's legs wrapped Around someJerk! [ crying .]
and I thought, "what's the ding-dong point?" yeah, not sure that's helpful There, big guy.
thanks, buddy.
[ sniffles .]
Put your shirt on.
I really wanted to be skins.
I know.
I know.
brock: Look, can you just Talk about it? It can't be that bad.
Will you just knock it off?! dean: Daddy, is it something Hank did? hank: Dude, don't drag me Under this bus.
Orpheus: When my pumpkin Went away, I, too, suffered the Grim cloud of listlessness, but Our duty is to -- Mr.
Venture is not suicidal.
oh, really? Then why is he trying to hang Himself from your tie? dr.
Orpheus: Because Mr.
Venture is possessed! [ monitor beeping .]
Okay, I'm ready.
Good gracious.
What's all this nonsense? The man doesn't have a fever.
they did it to dorothy in the "wizard of oz.
" I don't know.
I also hooked up this field Monitor from my old o.
Sure, it's a little dusty, but It'll workProbably.
Orpheus: And the bucket? oh, that's for the geyser of Pea-soup vomit.
Orpheus: And the camera? hank: Also for the vomit.
Orpheus: Do I even have To ask? dean: They said there was Gonna be vomit.
Orpheus: This isn't a Gallagher too performance.
It's a sacred rite.
I want you two gentlemen to hold Him down.
The demon will fight as I cast The spell of binding.
Anything could happen.
Anything but that.
Ready, gentlemen? I hold thee.
I constrain thee! With the name sidragrosam, I Bind thee! dr.
Venture: Aah! monarch: That dick! Come on.
Come on, rusty! Pansy.
Move! Kill yourself already! Do something! [ beeping .]
#21: Vitals down! We're losing him! What happened?! no idea.
#21: We got to bring him out! we can't! He'll be a vegetable! #21: Don't yell at me! I'm not yelling at you.
I'm telling at you! He has to return on his own.
#21: Well, what do we do? keep him alive! #21: You are still yelling.
monarch: Oh, I'm gonna throw Up.
I'm gonna throw up in venture's Brain.
This is -- [ gags .]
Oh, god! [ vomits .]
I'm gonna puke all over his Crappy childhood memories.
So good.
[ flatline .]
#21: He's flatlining! I'm gonna defibrillate! Clear! #21: Oh, my god! I don't know what that means! stay clear! #21: Well, of course I wi-- Wait, that's what it means? yes! [ electricity crackles .]
#21: He's back, but he's Weak.
help me hook up life support.
#21: That was so [bleep.]
[ sighs .]
Can't believe I actually said "clear!" #21: Yeah, that totally Didn't help.
I thought I was supposed to Push, like, the "clear" button Or something.
Hey, you think he's gonna bring Back a pissed-off billy mahoney With him? right? Running around the cocoon in That hoodie? #21: Totally.
Hey, can I put them on his Nipples like he's a robot Stripper? hank: Okay, w-what do I do? Should I boil holy water or, uh, Rip up some sheets? brock: Look, he's possessed, Hank.
He's not giving birth to a Monster baby.
dean: If you need a bible, I Have one tape narrated by Mr.
Darth vader.
I have like 10 rosaries left Over from my short-lived, Ill-conceived madonna phase.
Orpheus: As much as I Appreciate all your help, I am Not a priest.
I am a master necromancer! I will enter mr.
Venture's mind, And there do battle with the Unwelcomed spirit.
hank: Oh, can I come? dr.
Orpheus: Uh, no.
But you can help me.
I can only gain entry to his Soul if I am perceived as Friendly.
Boys, you are the great love of Your father's life.
Be my raiments! Take my hands! Gird me! I am blessed by what he loves Most -- the key to his soul's Lock! Open his mind to me! Please? brock: Yeah, I'm not sure you Have the right, uhKey? dr.
Orpheus: I am blessed by What he loves most -- the key to His soul's lock.
Open his mind to me! Nope.
Maybe I should -- wait! Okay, try it with his old Headshot, all the awards, the Signed picture of loni anderson, All the money, the newspaper Clippings, the shoe box of old Love letters, but without the Rush cassette6 brock: Oh, here's your Problem -- it's a "best of.
" and there's one more thing we Haven't tried, and it's nothing Personal, but dean: I get it.
Orpheus: Okay, one more Time.
I am blessed by what he loves Most -- the key to his soul's Lock.
Open his mind to me! brock: I'm sure it was the Rush cassette, dean.
Orpheus: Back, demon, Lest I unleash my awesome Powers! pete: All right, that's Uncalled for! quizboy: Yeah, that's racial Profiling is what that is! dr.
Orpheus: Oh, dear.
I-I-I thought he was a -- pete: Demon? 'cause of the way I dress? 'cause you're a bigot, maybe? quizboy: And a total Hypocrite.
Look at him! pete: Yeah, dracula.
Where do you get off? dr.
Orpheus: Okay, I get it.
I apologize.
So whom do I have the pleasure To meet? You are cupid, I assume.
quizboy: Cupid?! W-why would cupid be in the Rusty? Come on.
Will you stop basing everything On looks? How do you not know me? I'm eros.
Hello? And I'm pretty important.
Eros -- kind of popular.
I've got fans.
pete: You really should Recognize us -- pistol-hot Careers.
Orpheus: Yes, of course! Eros and thanatos -- sex and Death.
You two motivate our every Action.
pete: Well put, count freud.
Now, what the hell are you doing In here? quizboy: Seriously, what is This, open house, bring your Daughter to work day? We don't have time for another Intruder screwing things up.
We have a complete cerebral Shutdown to deal with from the Other guy.
pete: Yeah, we got maybe an Hour or two before the rusty Falls into a coma.
And then the chill hand of death Takes the rusty home.
quizboy: Okay, there, Mr.
Good news.
pete: Merciless is the end! quizboy: Let's bring it down.
Just breathe.
In with the good air, out with The crazy air.
I want you to breathe.
pete: Thanks, buddy.
I-I got in the zone again.
Orpheus: I think I may be Responsible for the shutdown you Speak of.
quizboy: Nice.
#21: So how is he? stable, I hope.
Sweetie, can you hear me? #21: I bet he needs something Familiar.
Sing him your guy's song.
we're not bernie taupin and Elton john.
We don't write songs.
#21: No, I mean like your Like a romantic -- oh, right.
We don't have one.
#21: What? Nothing? "lady in red"? no.
W-wait! He always sings that Human league song to me.
What is it? keep feeling fascination? [ laughing .]
oh, my god.
#21: Wait! I know which one! so they were working like a Countess in a cocktail glass when I knew about you don't you want me? do you not want me? don't you want me, baby? that is not even close.
[ bang on door .]
What?! both: It's tim-tom and kevin! Security inspection! go away! can't, mum.
Mandatory -- monarch's orders.
#21: Don't look at me! It was his idea.
The first of every month, There's this mandatory Inspection -- no exceptions.
And to look like a big man, he Even included himself.
we're coming in! crap.
They can't see this.
The whole mind-assassin thing is Against guild rules.
#21: It is?! Oh, great! Super! Brilliant idea.
take off your clothes! monarch: All right, venture.
You think you bested me, huh? I'll give you nightmares you'll Never recover from.
Tippy-tap, tippy-tap.
Bup-bup, bup-bup bup.
Oh, you like that? Every memory of you being hated By everyone just come flooding Into your dreams? Sweet! Oh, you are in for it, venture.
That is like a huge frankenstein Switch.
That has got to be bad.
Suck on this! pete: Well, if there is Something controlling the rusty, You're gonna find it in master Control.
That's the fourth level of the Psyche.
quizboy: Yeah, it's a Straight path right through the Back of the brain.
If nothing goes wrong, we'll be There in a snap.
pete: That counts as Something wrong.
no exceptions! Monarch's orders! all right! Hold on! Geez! that's it! I'm gonna bash the door down With my secret mind wers.
Back up, tim-tom! you don't have secret powers.
that's because they're Secret -- maybe even to me.
but I have a key to the door.
oh, whatever.
It just -- now we'll never know If I have secret mind powers.
All right, what's all the Hoop-dee-hoo in here? now let's see what we okay.
Well, I guess this is inspected, And we should just go.
we'll just, uh, check this Off, and sorry to disturb you, Monarch.
#21: [ muffled .]
close the Door behind you.
The doors of perception have opened all at once! We must close them! pete: Hey, there's Quadrillions of them! quizboy: Maybe millions! pete: What are you -- Quadrillions is a larger number.
quizboy: Quadrillions is a Fake number.
pete: No, it's not! It's a thousand billion.
quizboy: Really? Are you just trying to make me Look like a douche in front of The new guy? [ distant rumbling .]
Orpheus: Did you feel That? quizboy: Thank you! Yes.
And it hurts because I always Say nice things about him.
But he's always -- dr.
Orpheus: No, that rumble! What is that rumble?! pete: Leviathan.
He is why men murder.
He is why men make war -- the Beast within us all.
We are doomed! quizboy: Cheery, isn't he? pete: Crap! Get out of the way! [ all moaning .]
quizboy: I hate those things.
They're all over the place in Here, and they chew on stuff, And they get poop on everything.
Orpheus: They are his Dead sons -- forever haunting His subconscious mind.
pete: Leviathan draws near! Death is at hand! We cannot outrun the beast! quizboy: He gets that way Around death.
It's like he's in a creed video.
Why don't we just go in one of These doors? pete: Okay.
Yeah, that's cool.
no change.
He's steady.
Or this takes batteries.
I don't know.
[ thumping, glass shatters .]
brock: Hey, no indoor Football! Outside! 'kay! U-uh, we were just, you Know -- hank: Sorry, brock! yeah, that's kind of my job Now.
Hank, I'm gonna do a white load, So make sure all your panties Are in the hamper! brock: Panties? y-you know, their little Underpanties.
That's what I -- hey, uh, what You eating there? brock: Uh, skittles.
can I have some? One?! A skittle? I have to thank you for Putting up with all this.
You know, the monarch just jumps Into things.
He doesn't mean to do it to us, But he's -- #21: Our leader.
I am his henchman.
oh, come on, 21.
You're not just one of the Drones.
You're different.
#21: Am I? [ sighs .]
I had dreams once, and I've Given them to the monarch.
I even bought my own costume.
I was saving up for a monster Truck, or maybe for Patrick swayze's leather jacket From "road house.
" Or, I don't know, have Rockapella perform for the guys.
But I'm out of dreams.
look, I know that we all have Numbers in this game.
We're supposed to just forget That we make people die.
But when it hits home, I-it's Hard.
Gary, you've seen too much.
#21: I've seen my only real Friend die.
I've seen a giant penny roll Over a guy dressed like a Rainbow.
I've seen the donkey kong kill Screen.
I've seen attack ships on fire Off the shoulder of orion.
oh, g-a-r-y! You ain't got no alibi! You're gary! What, what?! You're gary! #21: Okay, I have not seen That ever.
quizboy: Oh, sweet! My kind of scene! what are you waiting for? call me.
why be alone tonight? just pick up the phone.
I'm waiting for you.
what's your sleep number? cocktease: I'm just a phone Call away.
welcome to the rusty's Invisible harem.
My name is id, and I am master Here.
quizboy: If I knew you were Hiding this, I would not have Been hanging out with him the Whole time.
ha-ha-ha! These ladies are not for you.
They are for the rusty.
The rusty could have any of These women if he just put in The effort.
pete: Lindsay wagner? Really? yes! The rusty met lindsay wagner at A party.
She was totally into the rusty.
Witty banter was shared.
But the rusty did not seal the Deal.
This was because the rusty was Tired.
Only because of this -- dr.
Orpheus: We only seek Passage to master control.
My friends and I do not desire The rusty's women.
ha-ha-ha! You could not have these women.
You lack the flare of the rusty.
You have not the skill and Rakish good looks of the rusty.
Orpheus: Yes, master id.
I have seen the rusty work his Exquisite juju with women.
It is a thing of beauty.
ah! You speak the truth.
I will show you to the next Level of the rusty, but only if You please me.
Orpheus: We shall do your Bidding.
the flying baby shall make Love to the black specter.
Yes, yes! They shall make sweet, sensual Love for me.
quizboy: Oh, no way! pete: Out of the question.
Orpheus: Oh, you ask too Much of us, master id.
This is thanatos and eros.
They are love and death.
To have them copulate is Impossible.
pete: Huge understatement.
then they shall merely kiss.
And they shall use their Tongues.
This, I command! quizboy: I'll do it if he Does.
pete: Yeah, I bet you will.
quizboy: Oh, yeah.
Like I want to do it.
and there shall be laughing And mirth.
And also ass grabbing.
quizboy: Dude, just do it! He's upping the ante! Will you just kiss me already?! dr.
Orpheus: Time is of the Essence! I demand kissing! And also I demand at least Second base! oh, come on.
You think the monarch mind Infractor is the only mess he's Gotten me into? #21: He calls it the monarch Mind infractor? Why not the monarch mind Machine, or the monarch mind Mutilator? Because that is way cooler.
oh, it has alliteration.
I know.
But that's the monarch.
Oh, thank you.
#21: We must drink.
This is tranya.
I hope you relish it as much As I.
#21: Oh, my god! You know the corbomite maneuver! sure.
I used to love the old "star treks.
" It's kind of hard to forget Ron howard's brother.
#21: Right? He was such a creepy kid.
quizboy: You act like I Wanted to make out with you.
pete: You did! You were into it! You grabbed my nipple! quizboy: That's what second Base is! I had to! dr.
Orpheus: Gentlemen, Please.
I presume you are the rusty's Ego? you got it.
And the little guy's eros, the Jerk who made the rusty join Match.
quizboy: He's got to at least Try to get some loving.
and the one with the umbrella Is thanatos, the jerk who made The rusty quit match.
pete: Hey, many of these Women could be murderous gold Diggers, or, at the very least, Carriers of chlamydia.
you want me to help these Two? They're my biggest problem.
And those rotten things.
Scat! Shoo! Whoever you are, get out.
Orpheus: We want only Passage to master control to Save the rusty.
He has been taken over by an Intruder.
If you help us, we are at your Bidding.
oh, you want to get to the Next level? Okay.
Help me fix this.
the guy was all but crawling Already, mind you, but the boy Was still able to squeeze off Two good leg shots.
brock: Hank did that? yeah, for aHank, he's not A bad shot.
Thanks to me.
hank: You guys! Dean's hurt or something! He's running around the yard Screaming! Come on! brock: I'll deal with this.
hell no! I'll deal with this.
monarch: Why are you not Insane yet?! What does it take?! [ sighs .]
it is getting hot in Here.
[ flatline .]
[ slurring .]
and then he just Ran away, and I'm standing there For like three hours before I Just left.
#21: [ slurring .]
did you Ever think, like, maybe you Could do better? hmm.
Can you do better than a man you Adore and who really needs you? #21: Well, maybe like a man Who needs you and would treat You like the amazing woman you Are -- like a perfect beauty Center with a coating made of Perfect-smart candy.
Someone like that.
oh, come on.
That's silly.
Like who? #21: Oh, maybe like Like me.
quizboy: I-I-it just keeps Falling apart.
Where's the dracula guy? how do you know that guy? pete: Just showed up.
Hey, don't you have any glue Or something? dr.
Orpheus: I'm back! And I've brought help.
who are they? dr.
Orpheus: They are here to Assist your labors.
You must believe me.
They can help mend your little Boy.
yeah? Okay.
Then you may pass.
[ all gasp .]
quizboy: Dude, how did you Get those from the id? dr.
Orpheus: I beg you not to Ask.
dean: Aah! Oh! Get them off! Oh, please! Oh, my gosh! what's going on?! don't look at me.
Hank and I are just tossing the Ball around, then this guy Starts running around like that.
brock: Take it easy, dean.
What happened? dean: I don't know! Just make it stop! It's burning! hello! Here's your problem.
Genius here has a whole ant Colony on his ass.
brock: Oh, geez, dean.
You sat in the black dirt, Didn't you? and solved.
Okay, who's up for another game? dean: What was that?! oh, relax.
It's just sprite.
sprite?! That's sugar! They eat that.
You just fed the ants.
dean: Aaaaah! quizboy: Am I going through Menopause, or is it getting Really hot in here? dr.
Orpheus: The rusty is Dying.
We may be too late! the rusty is dying? And you came for my help? dr.
Orpheus: Well, aren't you The super ego? [ chuckles .]
Of course, good man.
It's just [chuckles.]
It's just that I haven't been Called upon in quite some time.
Orpheus: Then rally! You are what is strong and true In the rusty! Get us to master control, and Help us banish the intruder! that's it? Easy! Master control.
That easy.
Whoa! All the doors are open! That's new.
Well, every door but that one, And it's the only door I can't Open.
quizboy: Looks like we're Gonna die.
pete: Knew it.
Orpheus: Is there any Other way in? theoretically, if you could Get through the tragic-memory Ducts, they lead everywhere.
Orpheus: Capital! I have an idea.
You will go to the origin of These ducts, and you must bring Eros.
Your strength and his love will Be the bait.
Once you reach the duct, you two Will combine your daddy? daddy? daddy? monarch: What the? Aah! Ew! No! Get the hell away from me! No! No! No-o-o-o-o! [ panting .]
W-w-what's going on? nothing.
#21: Anymore.
oh, that is humiliating.
Y-y-you can't just hose him like A convict.
brock: Oh, will you stop it? The kid's got ants on his ass! This is how you deal with the Problem! those boys are not your Problem, samson! They're my problem! dr.
Venture: You're both Wrong.
Those boys are my problem.
Brock, turn off the hose.
Dean, get up and get in the Shower.
Hank, stop giggling at your Brother.
Hatred, what the hell is Connected to my chest? And shoreleave I don't know, go doSomething.
I have a huge headache.
hank: Are you okay? Dr.
O said you're probably Insane now and that you'll never Be the same.
Venture: [ chuckles .]
Are you kidding? [ sighs .]
Okay, I'm just turning 16 and Having a birthday pool party.
My father invites every girl he Knows, and I'm not talking about Girls my age.
No, not jonas.
He invites playboy bunnies and Models and, I think, actual Whores -- you know, real Prostitutes.
So there I am in my giant Bathing suit with nervous Puberty oozing out of my Gigantic pores.
Just -- just awful.
So, the band suddenly stops Playing and I hear "and now the Man of the hour, rusty venture!" All eyes on me, right? Then suddenly, almost Predictably, the action man Shoots my groin with a shrink Ray right as that [bleep.]
Jackass colonel gentleman pulls My shorts down.
hank: Wow.
That's like a nightmare.
Venture: Oh, no! No! What I went through today was "like a nightmare.
" What happened when I was 16, That is my life.

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