The Venture Bros (2003) s07e07 Episode Script

The Unicorn in Captivity

1 [Inhales.]
Gentlemen, we are about to embark.
Come on! I wanted to say something profound for posterity.
Save it, Hobbit Oppenheimer.
We don't even know if it worked this time.
- Well? - [Sniffs.]
Seems like a apple.
Take a bite.
- Uh, y-you.
- I'm gonna run diagnostics, make sure the genetic sequence isn't compromised.
Yeah, make sure there aren't any, you know - fly parts it in.
- Seriously, double and triple fly-check.
Diagnostics are clean.
- Hmm.
- Well? - It tastes like success! - Yes! So who's gonna volunteer to be our first human subject? Whoa, what? Uh, uh, uh, no way.
You're crazy.
We're nowhere near ready for human testing.
Wyatt, go find Hank.
- He'd do it for the free apple.
- Doc, no! This is literally the first apple we haven't massacred.
We need to study it, repeat the experiment, analyze and reanalyze all the data and then maybe in a couple of months, move up to mice.
Ahoy, chairmen, iffen you're done fiddling with your fancy food processor, we need your signature on these Ah! [Coughs.]
Not ready for human testing.
Congratulations, Captain.
You've just made super science history! Now, right this way, Captain.
- Billy is just gonna - He's done it! Repeat, Venture has done it! We are go for extraction.
- Oh.
- Huh? - What the - Mayday! Mayday! I've been spotted.
Initiating evasive 7x07 - The Unicorn in Captivity Monarch: No! No way! Absolutely I am not joining some dumb team.
You're not joining a team.
You're just filling in for one job.
I had to pull a lot of strings to get you this gig.
Well, unpull them then.
Push them back, whatever.
- I don't want it.
- No, but you need it! The Guild wants this thing so bad, they're offering a full EMA-level upgrade - if the heist is successful.
- A heist? - Sweet.
What's the score? - Classified, Gary.
I'm sorry.
It doesn't matter because I'm not inter Don't you dare put that empty milk carton back! There's still some left! It's a sip.
A sip? A sip? Go get more milk.
Look, I'm just not a team player, okay, honey? The Monarch is strictly a solo act! Yes, I know, sweetness.
You're a precious unicorn, beautiful, unique, but can you at least just go and meet with them before you make up your mind, please, for me? [Sighs, groans.]
[Doorbell rings.]
Hey-o, guy-o, glad you could come on such short notice.
Sashay on in here.
The meeting has started.
Well, hey, all, looky what the me dragged in.
Team, this here's Tiny Eagle's replacement, the Mighty Monarch.
Mighty Monarch, meet the team.
Dot Com, hack-stress extraordinaire.
- Hey.
- And to her lovely left is Tunnel Vision, - our resident digger.
- Hey, there, chief.
That funny-looking fella is called - Presto Change-o.
- Greetings.
And over here, you've got Ramburglar, - top-shelf smash-and-grabber.
- 'Sup? Lastly, there's Driver X.
Ooh, he ain't much for words, but his getaway driving is poetry in motion.
So, uh, I'm a little late to this party, and my wife the councilwoman, uh, was kind of hazy on the details.
Uh, what exactly is the job? Oh, you're in for a treat, June bug.
We're fixing to hit that there Venture headquarters.
Brock: Listen, Doc, I really need to talk - to you about this security breach.
- Oh, pfft, later.
I want to get right to work on my press release.
I mean, this is it, Brock, telepor-freaking-tation.
Can you believe it? Oh, this is the kind of game-changer I've been working for my entire life.
Yeah, uh got to make a quick stop.
[Elevator bell dings.]
Didn't know we had tenants on this floor - or even this floor.
- Welcome back, Mr.
- Oh, who's your little friend? - You want to meet her? Heya, sexy.
A little later, what do you say? - Hmm? Yeah.
- Well [Clears throat.]
And now my erection is completely gone.
Thank you.
What is all this? Doc, it's, uh, uh, it's time we had the talk.
Now at 21:00 sharp, Tunnel V.
will move into position underground, snug as a bug next to old Doc Venture's lab.
With the subway as cover, I can tunnel through the foundation over there, and no one will even hear a peep.
At 21:20, I reach the Ven-Tech ventilation access.
Oh, that's where I come in! The vents are laser-shielded and too small for any old dumb-dumb, so I just presto change-o into a snake and slither into the lab.
Presto plugs this transmitter into Venture's security mainframe, and voilà, his whole system is my bitch.
Once Dot shuts off the alarms and opens the doors, I grab the goods, load them into Presto.
After I presto change-o into a human hand truck, ooh, a man truck.
We haul them out the loading dock, south exit.
Where Driver X will be waiting to whisk y'all to the safe house for champagne and revelry.
Questions? New guy, how'd I guess? Yeah, uh, where am I while all this is happening? Oh, you're our eyes in the sky, pretty bird, aerial reconnaissance.
You'll be making a big old loop-de-loop all around that there Ven-Tech.
- I'm a lookout? - Now he gets it.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! If anyone should be taking lead on this thing, it's the Mighty Monarch.
I've got decades of hot skinny on Venture.
I know how he thinks, how he takes his coffee.
I I can tell you his Sleep Number! - Sure, that sounds super useful.
- It's 25! He's soft.
I say we scrap this whole plan and start from the top.
You don't arch a Venture by sneaking around in his crawl space.
You hit him high, and you hit him hard! Copycat, you have, like, a copy-copter for the initial aerial assault? Told you we should've just bought a drone.
Looky here now, songbird.
I'm the leader of this here band, and I say we ain't changing the set list an hour before showtime.
An hour before Wait.
What?! Oh, yes, sir.
Curtain goes up at 21:00 sharp Tonights-ville.
So you've licked teleportation, huh? Well, give yourself a fat pat on the back.
That's what we in the super-secrets biz - call a game-changer.
- Right? - I was just telling Brock - That's why you have to kill it.
- What? - Decommission it.
Scrap it for parts.
Torch all your files and never, ever speak of it again.
Uh, why would I do that? Okay.
Let's say you grace the world with this technological brain fart of yours.
Have you given any thought to what happens next? Pfft, you mean after they slap a Nobel on me? I retire to Spanakopita on a pile of money and women.
What happens to FedEx when grandma could just zap her famous fruitcake to her kiddies in Kalamazoo? How about the auto industry, the airlines, big oil? Global economy will go ass over teakettle.
That's what.
Some extremely powerful people ain't gonna like that, and they're gonna come a-gunning for you.
Isn't it kind of your job to protect me? We kind of are, Doc, from yourself.
Shut it down and hand it over, or we'll shut it down and get real handsy about it.
- Ugh, this is crazy.
It's a free country.
- Mm-hmm.
Is it now? What? Are you gonna torture me now? - Brock, what the "F"? - It ain't like that, Doc.
More like group therapy.
But wait a minute! Where are you going, Brock?! Ugh! What's gonna happen to me? Hello? Brock? Judas! Illuminati #1: Greetings, Dr.
We've been watching you for some time.
And you are? Oh, we've gone by many names throughout the centuries.
- The Knights Templar.
- The Illumanti.
The Rothschild/Bilderberg Super Sentinels.
WeWell, we kind of secretly control the world.
Until now, we've been happy to remain in shadows in so much as your business has not interfered with ours, but this teleporter of yours, it's really a game-changer.
What is this, some kind of threat? No, Dr.
Venture, an invitation.
As we said, we've been watching you, and we think you have what it takes to become one of us.
Think of it, power beyond your imagining, untold riches, your every desire fulfilled.
And all you need do is give up - one little invention.
- Ugh.
Illuminati #1: You don't have to make your mind up now.
As it happens, we're convening in secret this very night, and we'd very much like to meet you in the flesh, as it were.
See what we can offer you, then decide.
Otra vez.
Come on.
Más fuerte.
[Cellphone rings.]
Mucho mejor.
Tiempo fuera, Manolo.
How's your super-heist meeting? Super [bleep.]
This heist is going down tonight.
Tonight? I thought it was just a meet-and-greet.
So did I, like a get-to-know-you! - A go-see.
- Exactly! No, it's all happening, like, now, and I'm supposed to fly and shit, - and I don't have my wings! - Check your back, dude.
No, smartass, these are my cape wings.
They're for showing, not for going.
I need the good wings, the Glengarry wings.
They're in the, uh, basement, cave, whatever.
- Find them! - All right.
All right.
Hold on.
Aerial reconnaissance.
Yeah, Copycat's place is pretty rad, though.
It's got these fancy guest soaps that smell like an Italian gigolo smoking a grapefruit cigarette.
[Knock on door.]
Hey, bug boy! What? You curling your eyebrows in there? Giddyap! [Toilet flushes.]
Just a minute! - Okay.
I found them.
- Great.
Now get them over here fast, and make up a good cover story, will you? These people already look at me like I'm a Johnny Stupid.
Brock: Just a little further, Doc.
Oh, did you say something? Because I don't speak to traitors.
It's for your own good.
Oh, sure! That's what the Nazis said! - No, they didn't.
- Well, I I thought you were about to say you were only following orders.
All right.
You can take it off now.
Get a load of this guy.
I don't know if you should trust him with your car.
I'm not.
[Tires screeching.]
Huh, so hard finding good help these days.
- Uh - Your hosts are all waiting inside.
- May I take your coat, sir? - What? Oh, uh, sure.
Uh, thanks.
I I think I'm overdressed.
All right, team.
This ain't no dress rehearsal now.
Curtain is fixing to go up.
Y'all on your marks? Tunnel Vision: We've, uh, reached the entry point there.
We're, uh, ready to drill on Dot's signal.
Dot Com: I'm all set up out here.
All systems online and ready to go.
Sergeant Sloppy is about to start his nightly rounds, and I've got a northbound "A" train approaching in five, four, three, two.
You've got 60 seconds.
Swell, swell, right on schedule.
Hey, Mighty Monarch, how we looking topside? Uh, everything looks great from up here where I am currently flying.
You don't see that every day.
Oh, hi! Are, uh, are you one of the guys I spoke to earlier on the, uh Ah.
[Clears throat.]
[Zebra neighs.]
- Thinking of joining? - Hmm? I haven't made up my mind yet.
You mean joining the, uh, orgy? Perhaps a bit of liquid courage? Uh! [Laughs.]
Capital idea, Jeeves.
Oh, uh, is it an open bar? - But, of course, sir.
- Ah, swell.
Don't suppose you know how to make - a Red Mocho Cooler, do you? - Whatever you desire.
Man: Ooh.
- Ah, these are amazing.
- Yes.
The orphan sashimi is positively decadent.
- I'm sorry.
Orphan - Sashimi, extra virgin, of course.
Our chef insists on only the very cleanest orphans.
Bah, ugh.
Ooh, swell party, hmm? [Retches.]
[Deep voice.]
Having a good time? Well, apparently, I just ate part of a small child and then washed it down with penis, so - Hey, if that's what you're into.
- What? No! Actually, I'm a little lost.
Are you a member of this, uh Psuedo-religious capitalist crony club? God, no.
Just an anonymous working girl here to service the masters of the universe.
This gig was a lot easier before they inducted the guy who invented Viagra, I'll tell you.
That's him over there next to big oil and big tobacco.
They're the ones double-teaming Patty.
- Uh, do I know you? - No.
You don't want to do that here.
Uh, then perhaps we should go somewhere more private.
May I borrow her? Meet me by the tapestries in 20 minutes.
[light buzzing.]
Presto change-o, I'm in! Dot Com: Good! Find the mainframe and get that transmitter plugged in.
[Elevator bell dings.]
Ooh, someone is coming! It's Samson! What do I do? Dude, what? He's not supposed to be here! - Oh, good Lord.
This ain't good.
- Ah, that's it.
Let me at him.
Hold your position, Ramburglar.
You bust in before I've hacked the system, you'll trigger a total lockdown.
Monarch, plan "B.
" Plan "B"? What what plan "B"? God, did you pay, like, no attention at the meeting? Proceed to the Venture penthouse and create a diversion to draw Samson away from the lab stat! - Okay! - Uh, I'm here.
I'm here.
- Subway took forever.
- Oh, thank God.
- You got my wings, Mr.
Late? - Yeah, yeah, here.
Dude, can I use Copycat's bathroom? Yeah, whatever.
What what the [bleep.]
is this? It's your wings.
That was gonna be my cover story.
Your cover story is, I shit myself? Hey, you make a lie embarrassing enough, - and nobody questions it.
- Eh, alright.
Samson is going for the teleporters.
We ain't got time for this flying [bleep.]
up to make his move.
I've got an idea.
, heya, buddy.
I didn't see you Ah, geez, did Doc paint you? Nice work, Presto.
I'm in.
- H.
? - Uh [Horn honks.]
Dot, do something! [Alarm beeps.]
- Ah, good Lord.
- Dot, what in the "H" did you do? I-I'm not doing that! It's some kind of emergency evac or something! I can't stop it.
I got one! Good for you, Toy Man.
Now you're gonna get dead.
Ugh! [Elevator bell dings.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
- Go! - Who needs a refill? Yes.
Rejiggered that old emergency evac to send the goods exactly where we want them.
- Swell hacking, Mack.
- Our little old decoy team must be in a whole heap of hot water.
That was the plan, my man.
[Cellphone rings.]
Ah! Not a good time! Dude, dude, you got to abort! Abort! Copycat has got another heist team! You're being set up! You're decoys! - You're decoys! - You're Wait! What? Aah! Ow! Ow! Owie.
Aah! Ow! Ugh! Ugh.
W-What? No way.
"The Unicorn Is In Captivity and No Longer Dead," late 15th century, a truly exquisite piece and such an apt metaphor.
Ugh, because, let me guess, I'm the unicorn, and now I'm your prisoner.
No, [Chuckles.]
you're looking at it all wrong.
Look at that little unicorn, the beatific smile.
He's happy now.
He gets to live in a beautiful garden.
- Yeah, in a cage.
- A protective barrier.
No one is hunting him anymore, nor can he hurt anyone with that horn of his.
Yeah, well, if it's all the same to you, this little unicorn would rather take his chances in the wilderness with his sweet-ass teleporter.
Oh, I'm afraid that's not one of your options, Dr.
No doubt you've read "The Lady or the Tiger"? Well, not, word for word, but Behind door number one, the lady.
I believe you two have already met.
Give up your teleporter and join us, and she's all yours as is anything else you could ever desire.
Behind door number two, meet Tiger.
- Tiger has desires, too.
- Wha What? Please tell me this is another metaphor.
Cold, hard truth, Dr.
In this world, it's [bleep.]
or be [bleep.]
So which will it be? Let's just go, Rambo.
[Alarm blares.]
We got one of them.
No, job was for both.
You're gonna drill this boy's knees until he tells us where the other went.
Oh, you are good, Monarch Aah! Oh! Dang, I'm hit! - Aah, eh, eh! - Ugh.
Oh, God.
Look, he's coming to! - Grab it! - I How? Whoo! Amateurs.
I need backup! Hostiles have taken the package, and I'm in pursuit! Come on out of there right now, Monarch, and I promise I'll only wound you.
Come out of there! Dude, there's no way out! [Beeping.]
Copycat 3 to Copycat Prime, the package is secure.
- Aah! - What? How? This is just banana-gins! [Panting.]
[Snaps fingers.]
Listen, you guys don't know me, but you got to trust me.
You guys What the [bleep.]
! - Dude, who the hell are you? - I'm I'm with the Monarch! You guys got to get out of here! This whole thing is a setup! - What did you do to Driver X? - What? I didn't There wasn't even a guy in there.
S-s-start start the truck, Chief.
Samson is right on our tails.
I think Ah! Aah! - You're Driver X now, fatty.
- Take this! I'll slow him down! Presto change-o! Oh stop! [Cackling.]
- Stupid! - Aaah! - Whoa! - W-T-F? Aah! Whoa, whoa, whoa Geez! Copycat 3 to Copycat Base, got a big old mayday on my hands here.
Holy mackerel, the engine is shot, literal like.
Abort-arooni time.
[Snaps fingers.]
Well, now doesn't that just put a turd in your soup? Come on.
Aah! - Aah! - Aah! [Both scream.]
- 'Sup? - Hey.
Move, move, move, move, move, move! [Sighs.]
[theme music.]
Ah! [Laughing.]
You were right.
Oh, this is the best decision I ever made.
I'm the king of the world! - Ahh.
- Get a nerd laid, and they think they're masters of the universe.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode