The Vicar of Dibley (1994) s01e01 Episode Script
The Arrival
# The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want # He maketh me To lie down in green pastures # He leadeth # He leadeth me # Beside the still waters # Still waters # .
.
The wrath of the King was mighty and knew no bound.
They did leave that country and did with heavy heart return unto Japheth and Gad.
Here ends the lesson.
Let us pray.
Dear Lord, we ask Thee to bless all the members of this, Thy congregation.
And we especially ask you to remember the Queen who's been having trouble with her piles again, and Mrs Sinclair-Wilson and all her family.
.
.
Mrs Sinclair-Wilson who's been having trouble with her piles again, and the Queen and all her family.
Amen.
May you grant them happiness in this world and in the next, peace everlasting.
Amen.
Amen.
We now sing hymn number16.
"The day Thou gavest, Lord, has ended.
" # The day Thou gavest, Lord, is ended # The darkness falls at Thy behest # Are we all here? Yes, perfectly.
Not CAN we all hear, ARE we all here? I'm sorry.
Yes, all except Mr Newitt.
Let's go on.
Newitt's always late.
Right, I call this meeting of the Dibley Parish Council to order.
David Horton in the chair, Frank Pickle taking minutes.
Shall I minute that, sir? What? About my taking the minutes.
Do you normally minute it? I'd like to.
Then do it again.
Thanks.
We start with the tragic death of Reverend Pottle.
He's been a great servant to Dibley ever since his arrival as a young-ish man in 1917.
Happy days.
We remember especially fondly his famous Christmas sermon which I think we all know by heart.
He'll be sadly missed.
Hear, hear! Anything to add? No, no, no, no, no.
Yes, just one thing, if that's all right.
Yes, fire away.
No, no, no, but I thought maybe we should mention the marrow.
And what marrow's that? He come second in the marrow-growing contest in 1956.
Bravo.
Excellent, we'll include that.
Anything else? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's "no", is it? No, no, NO.
Yes.
Right, moving on Sorry I'm late.
That's OK, Owen, we've just begun.
Bladder's playing up.
Spent so long in the stables' toilet, I'm gonna send out change-of-address cards.
Yes, thank you, Owen.
Last week was the Village of the Year Competition, and I've thanked Buckingham Palace for Prince Edward's visit.
Shame.
Pardon? I've nothing against Prince Edward, but I don't trust bald men.
I'm surprised we don't start with the Reverend's death.
We dealt with that before you arrived.
Oh.
Moving on Perhaps you'd like me to read the minutes back to you.
We needn't waste the whole evening because of Owen's dodgy waterworks.
Shall I minute that? No, thank you.
Right Shall I leave a gap, then? Whatever you think, Frank.
It won't flow very well.
Frank, you are the parish clerk, not Lord Tennyson! Right, I'm sorry, everyone, for that rather annoying interlude.
Let's move on to the question of Reverend Pottle's successor Are you sure about that? What? You described Prince Edward's visit as an annoying interlude.
I certainly did not! Yes, you did.
I cut that jolly interesting bit about Owen's bladder.
Now it reads, "So much for Prince Edward's visit.
"And if we can move on from that rather annoying interlude.
" Oh, God! I've a worrying feeling in my colon.
Um Yes? Nothing.
Would you like that minuted? I suppose so.
Excellent.
"Then Mrs Cropley said nothing.
" Moving on, I have of course asked the Bishop for someone younger than Rev Pottle.
Yes, please! It'd be hard to find anyone older without recruiting a member of The Rolling Stones! Right, if we could quickly move on to the planning applications which I think you'll find on pink 7A.
The Herberts want a new barn - rejected.
The Franklins want a new kitchen - rejected.
And my son Hugo here is putting up a conservatory which I think should be fine.
Somewhere for the pool table.
Any other business? Definitely not.
We meet again in a fortnight.
Got that, Frank? Yes.
".
.
Without actually recruiting a member of The Rolling Stones.
" What comes next? We'll be able to get this village going again.
At last year's fete Pottle gave the prize for Best Carrot to a cucumber.
Yes, but the Bishop of Oxford deserved first prize in the fancy dress contest.
For being dressed as a bishop? Yes.
Brilliant! Those days are gone.
It seems this new chap is superb, recommended by the Bishop of Wykeham.
Didn't he say Jesus didn't exist, or if he did, he wasn't a Christian? It's about time we had someone with half a brain on the parish council.
Oh, yes, apart from your good self.
At last we can give that frightful verger, Alice, the heave-ho.
She won't be happy about that.
Tough luck.
She's a famous imbecile.
In last year's Christmas crib she had the Virgin Mary cradling a pig.
And the baby Jesus being suckled by a black goat! But she's awfully keen.
Eddie the Eagle was very keen! The kind thing would still have been to shoot him the first time he put on a pair of skis.
I think the new chap will see sense.
Sack Alice and sack Mrs Cropley.
I've seen better flower arrangements on a compost heap.
Whisky? Please.
Excellent stuff.
Keep it locked away when the rabble come round.
No point in wasting it on people who adore Asda sweet amontillado.
Actually, that is lovely stuff.
Good old Asda! Oh, sherry, wow! Only the best here, Miss Tinker.
Thanks.
Sandwich? No, thank you.
Anchovy and peanut butter not quite my cup of tea.
Frank, sherry? Thank you very much.
My favourite.
There we are.
Cheers.
Jim? No, no, no, no, no Yes.
There, don't drink it all at once.
Top stuff.
We are all gathered here to greet our new vicar.
Sorry it's an awful night.
Can't fix everything! You did get our cat fixed, didn't you? DOORBELL RINGS Our new vicar has arrived.
Either that or the milkman's late again.
Hello? Could you hurry? It's pouring down out here.
Raining very hard now.
Please! Hello.
Hello.
David Honiton Hawtrey.
Horton.
That's the chap.
Could you take these while I? Cheers.
Bye! Excuse me.
Just get past you.
I'm Geraldine.
You're expecting me.
No, I'm expecting our new vicar.
Unless you ARE the new vicar, and they've landed us with a woman as some sort of insane joke! Oh, dear.
Oh, God! You expected a bloke, beard, Bible, bad breath That sort of thing.
And, instead, you've got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom.
So I see.
Don't worry, it'll be all right.
We need a stiff drink.
Come on.
Hello, I'm Geraldine.
Call me Gerry.
Delighted to meet you.
I'm Hugo.
Call meHugo.
Do you mind if I say that is a devastatingly smart tie, Hugo? Is it? Yes.
Shall we go in there? Ladies and gentlemen, your newvicar.
Hello - Geraldine.
Boo! I'm Frank Pickle.
I take the minutes on the council.
Splendid.
Forgive me if I forget your name.
I'm dreadful with names.
Ask me to name the Virgin Mary's son and, nope, mind's gone blank.
Jesus.
That's it! Hello - Geraldine.
Gerry.
LetitiaLetty.
Cropley.
I do the flowers in the church.
What have we got in this week? We're in mourning for Rev Pottle.
Of course.
Lovely.
Carnations? Yes.
And I thought I'd put in a pineapple as well.
Unusual.
And you are? No, no, no, no, no Jim.
Jim? No, no, no, no.
Not Jim? No, no Yes - Jim.
Good, good.
And finally? Delighted to meet you.
Miss Tinker WAS the verger under Rev Pottle.
Do you want to go on with the job? Yes, please, ma'am.
Good, good.
Don't call me ma'am.
Sounds like the Queen.
Lovely lady, but odd taste in hats.
Yes, yes.
You can call me Alice.
Right.
Because it's my name.
Right.
Perhaps we should talk about this in the morning.
Yes.
Oh! Absolutely hate amontillado.
D'you have any whisky? Certainly.
I'd like a whisky.
Me, too.
Jim? No, no, no Please yourself.
Yes, I'll have one.
DOORBELL RINGS Unusual sandwiches.
What's with the ham? Lemon curd.
Good Lord! I'll pop it down there for a moment.
Thanks for coming on an awful night when you could be in watching Oh, we're missing Top of the Pops! Anyway, cheers.
Sorry I'm late.
I've been on the kazi since sundown.
Ah, Owen.
This is Geraldine.
She's the new vicar.
Hello.
No, she isn't.
Why not? She's a woman.
You noticed.
THESE are such a giveaway! Eh? Whisky, Owen? Yes, I need one! Make it a double.
We need another bottle.
Did I spot a Glenfiddich in there? Don't think so, no.
No, no, there is.
Or we could have that expensive single malt you were keeping for special occasions.
I think I feel a party coming on.
Cheers! Can I speak to the Bishop? He's where? What's he doing there? They're all Muslims, aren't they? Really? 25 million Christians? Oh, well, fair enough.
More than here.
By about 25 million.
This is David Horton.
If he could ring me when he returns.
I won't have my village used like a laboratory animal to see if woman vicars work! She seemed a decent chap to me.
That's the point.
She's not a chap.
Not technically.
Quite a technicality! Will we have topless bathing on the rectory lawn? The old vicar sunbathed topless.
But he was a man, so it didn't matter.
It did because he had fair skin that burns If Jesus wanted women to spread the Gospel, he'd have appointed them.
It's Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, not Sharon, Tracy, Tara and Debbie! It won't do.
Call an extraordinary meeting of the council, Hugo.
They don't call me Sportin' Horton for nothing! Do they? I thought they called you Dirty David because of your Victorian pornography.
Shut up! Well, it can't be right, can it really? What's that? Having a woman vicar.
Jesus didn't have women disciples.
No, but things have to change, don't they? That's right.
Look at traffic lights.
What? If they didn't change, there'd be terrible congestion.
On the other hand, there's gravity.
What about it? If gravity changed, we'd all go floating up into space.
And no-one wants that.
There's good change and bad change.
Yes, I mean, there's the Changing of the Guard.
Wonderful.
And there's prawn-flavoured crisps.
Disaster! Here we are, number two - base camp.
Ahh! Well, from here we launch our great mission.
With, of courseproper rations.
You'll have to take me through a few things.
Yeah.
What kind of crowd are we pulling to the Sunday gigs? Oh, about four.
A crowd of four? On a good day.
Well, four's not bad.
There were four Gospels, four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Four Rocky movies till they made Rocky V.
Very bad move.
It may go up to five if Mr Newitt's bowels settle down.
So we have Mrs Cropley, Mr Pickle, Mr Horton Sometimes Hugo comes, but not very often.
So who's the fourth one? Mr Newitt.
I mentionedwith the bowels.
No, he was the fifth one, wasn't he? Was he? Oh, yes.
Oh, um Well Oh, me! Thickness! What about Christmas? Christmas! Well, that's special.
How many? Three.
Mrs Cropley visits her sister.
I see.
So what do you do when you're not in charge of crowd control? I help the teacher at the nursery school.
Oh! Art's my forte.
So it is! Reverend Pottle said that I was an undiscovered genius.
Did he? Did he? Very remarkable man.
Well, let's see.
Oh, Ribena! For Sunday school? Holy communion.
Unorthodox.
Well, the Reverend had a tendency to get a little tipsy, so I used it instead of wine to avoid Quite right.
If this stuff had been around at the Last Supper, our Lord might have had a swig.
To keep a clear head for Pilate's questions.
What is truth? Sorry? That was the question Pilate asked.
So he did.
Good old Pilate.
Sort of Magnus Magnusson of Palestine, wasn't he? "Name?" "Jesus.
" "Profession?" "Saviour of mankind.
" "And your specialist subject, Jesus, is catering.
"How many loaves and fishes does it take to feed 5,000 people?" "Umpass!" God, Alice, do you think we're going to be all right? Of course.
I'm gonna support you all the way.
Then we can't fail.
And I know a lot about tropical fish.
Splendid.
Splendid.
Then we shall be fishers of men.
Yes I don't know much about them, I'm afraid.
Watch and learn, kid.
Watch and learn.
I've drafted a letter asking that she be removed from her position.
If you've any objections, if you want our village to be a laughing stock, or if you BELIEVE what most Anglicans think is heresy, do speak up now.
Sorry I'm late.
Visiting the new parishioners.
I think they'd be LESS surprised if the new vicar had been Mr Blobby! Challenges, challenges.
Miss anything important? Yes, we have drafted a letter to the Bishop.
Great.
Bertie only gets dull circulars, asking if it's true most priests are as gay as Larry Hagman.
Is it Larry Hagman? Let's get on.
Grayson! That's it - Grayson.
"Shut that door!" Hilarious! Frank, as secretary to the council, perhaps you should read it.
I'd rather not.
Jim? OK, I'll read it.
"From the Dibley Parish Council" Sorry I'm late.
It's the big ride at Alton Towers in my innards.
I'm reading a letter from the council to the bishop.
Right.
"My Lord, sorry to take up your valuable time, but an important subject has arisen.
" Perhaps you could mention his trip to Africa.
Like "Welcome back from your triumphant conference.
" He'll be putty in your hand.
Thanks.
Hugoanother stunning tie! Girls just aren't safe, are they? "Welcome back from your triumphant conference.
" He'll never refuse you now.
"Sorry to take up your valuable time.
" Good! "But an important subject has arisen.
Your new choice for vicar has now arrived.
"We are deeply unhappy about her and feel she won't fit into our community.
"We are angry that we should be used as an experiment ground for the excesses of the modern church, "and we ask you to reconsider this disastrous appointment.
" It's signed from the Dibley Parish Council.
Phew! Well, you certainly know how to wind a girl.
That's all of you, is it? Yes, it is.
Except me, actually.
Potty Pottle was a right old woman, and if we must have a lass, I prefer a young one.
Particularly, if I may say so, one with such interesting taste in jumpers.
Thank you.
My grandma knitted this.
She's blind.
Did we actually vote on it? No, no, noI don't know.
Of course we did.
I'll check that.
No, in fact, we seem to have forgotten to vote.
Excellent.
That's good news.
But we all agreed.
I hadn't.
I propose we give the Reverend a chance.
At least see how she does on Sunday.
All those in favour of Mr Newitt's proposition? All those against? This is ridiculous.
The proof of the pudding will be in the eating.
Our little community does not react well to a vicar in high heels, and supports my desire to keep up the traditions of this village and the church! I take it that's a "no"? Yes! God, your father's handsome when he's angry! In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
AMEN ! I'd like to start by singing "Zippee-dee-doo-da" because it's such a thrill to see you all here.
But I think we should stick with tradition and sing hymn number 199.
# Immortal, invisible, God only wise # I know you were surprised to find your vicar's a woman.
So was I.
All through my teens I was convinced that I would become a supermodel, and marry Eric Clapton or David Soul.
Then I read the Sermon on the Mount, and it was so fantastic, that was it.
I decided to abandon the catwalk and give the dog collar a try.
So here I am, at your service, totally yours, any time, any day.
But if you come to see me early in the morning, wear dark glasses.
Before my face falls into place, I look like Bernard Manning! It's true.
I do.
It's scary.
Now let's sing hymn number 300.
It sounds best if you shout on the "bread of heaven" bit.
# Bread of heaven # Bread of heaven # Feed me now and ever more # Ever more # Feed me now # And ever more! # Marks out of ten, Alice? 17.
KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.
Owen, what did you think? Missed most of it.
Otherwise engaged.
Stomach bad? It's like the Battle of the Somme.
Jim, did you enjoy it? No, no.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
You'll be staying on now.
MUTTERS OF AGREEMEN Fingers crossed.
I haven't been more sure of anything since my O level results.
How many did you pass? None.
It's the most people in church since that Lady Godiva thing.
What? We celebrated the summer solstice by re-enacting Lady Godiva.
No, no, that's my dress! A lot of people turned up, but it was rather disappointing.
Lady Godiva wearing a body stocking? No, she was stark naked.
Wow! I didn't get to the hairdresser's so I wasn't looking my best.
I bet you were, you saucepot! # Holy goodness and mercy # Shall follow me # All the days of my life # And I may dwell in the house # Of the Lord for ever # For ever # So there's this nun, she's having a bath, and a knock comes on the door.
Oh, dear! She says, "Who is it?" The reply is, "The blind man.
Can I come in?" She thinks about it, then says, "OK, come in.
" So the chap comes in and says, "Nice BLEEP! Where d'you want me to hang the blind?" He wasn't No, no.
And he saw Hmm.
Yes, yes.
(squawks) Technology's brilliant, but keeping up can be a bit tricky.
That's why at the Carphone Warehouse we've always had the latest stuff.
Always have, always will.
Along with lots of clued-up people who can help you make sense of it all.
Welcome to: So let me get this straight, Churchill.
When I join, you'll give me 25% discount on my home insurance? Oh, yes.
And a no claims discount? Oh, yes.
And the same again when you renew? Oh, yes! Very generous.
Is there anything I can do for you? Oh! # I see the crystal raindrops fall Er, no.
No, no, no.
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Dark chocolate and vanilla-flavour ice cream.
Smooth chocolate sauce and chocolate pieces.
Ooh, Chocolate Inspiration! # The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want # He maketh me # To lie down in green pastures # He leadeth me # Beside the still waters # Still waters #
.
The wrath of the King was mighty and knew no bound.
They did leave that country and did with heavy heart return unto Japheth and Gad.
Here ends the lesson.
Let us pray.
Dear Lord, we ask Thee to bless all the members of this, Thy congregation.
And we especially ask you to remember the Queen who's been having trouble with her piles again, and Mrs Sinclair-Wilson and all her family.
.
.
Mrs Sinclair-Wilson who's been having trouble with her piles again, and the Queen and all her family.
Amen.
May you grant them happiness in this world and in the next, peace everlasting.
Amen.
Amen.
We now sing hymn number16.
"The day Thou gavest, Lord, has ended.
" # The day Thou gavest, Lord, is ended # The darkness falls at Thy behest # Are we all here? Yes, perfectly.
Not CAN we all hear, ARE we all here? I'm sorry.
Yes, all except Mr Newitt.
Let's go on.
Newitt's always late.
Right, I call this meeting of the Dibley Parish Council to order.
David Horton in the chair, Frank Pickle taking minutes.
Shall I minute that, sir? What? About my taking the minutes.
Do you normally minute it? I'd like to.
Then do it again.
Thanks.
We start with the tragic death of Reverend Pottle.
He's been a great servant to Dibley ever since his arrival as a young-ish man in 1917.
Happy days.
We remember especially fondly his famous Christmas sermon which I think we all know by heart.
He'll be sadly missed.
Hear, hear! Anything to add? No, no, no, no, no.
Yes, just one thing, if that's all right.
Yes, fire away.
No, no, no, but I thought maybe we should mention the marrow.
And what marrow's that? He come second in the marrow-growing contest in 1956.
Bravo.
Excellent, we'll include that.
Anything else? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's "no", is it? No, no, NO.
Yes.
Right, moving on Sorry I'm late.
That's OK, Owen, we've just begun.
Bladder's playing up.
Spent so long in the stables' toilet, I'm gonna send out change-of-address cards.
Yes, thank you, Owen.
Last week was the Village of the Year Competition, and I've thanked Buckingham Palace for Prince Edward's visit.
Shame.
Pardon? I've nothing against Prince Edward, but I don't trust bald men.
I'm surprised we don't start with the Reverend's death.
We dealt with that before you arrived.
Oh.
Moving on Perhaps you'd like me to read the minutes back to you.
We needn't waste the whole evening because of Owen's dodgy waterworks.
Shall I minute that? No, thank you.
Right Shall I leave a gap, then? Whatever you think, Frank.
It won't flow very well.
Frank, you are the parish clerk, not Lord Tennyson! Right, I'm sorry, everyone, for that rather annoying interlude.
Let's move on to the question of Reverend Pottle's successor Are you sure about that? What? You described Prince Edward's visit as an annoying interlude.
I certainly did not! Yes, you did.
I cut that jolly interesting bit about Owen's bladder.
Now it reads, "So much for Prince Edward's visit.
"And if we can move on from that rather annoying interlude.
" Oh, God! I've a worrying feeling in my colon.
Um Yes? Nothing.
Would you like that minuted? I suppose so.
Excellent.
"Then Mrs Cropley said nothing.
" Moving on, I have of course asked the Bishop for someone younger than Rev Pottle.
Yes, please! It'd be hard to find anyone older without recruiting a member of The Rolling Stones! Right, if we could quickly move on to the planning applications which I think you'll find on pink 7A.
The Herberts want a new barn - rejected.
The Franklins want a new kitchen - rejected.
And my son Hugo here is putting up a conservatory which I think should be fine.
Somewhere for the pool table.
Any other business? Definitely not.
We meet again in a fortnight.
Got that, Frank? Yes.
".
.
Without actually recruiting a member of The Rolling Stones.
" What comes next? We'll be able to get this village going again.
At last year's fete Pottle gave the prize for Best Carrot to a cucumber.
Yes, but the Bishop of Oxford deserved first prize in the fancy dress contest.
For being dressed as a bishop? Yes.
Brilliant! Those days are gone.
It seems this new chap is superb, recommended by the Bishop of Wykeham.
Didn't he say Jesus didn't exist, or if he did, he wasn't a Christian? It's about time we had someone with half a brain on the parish council.
Oh, yes, apart from your good self.
At last we can give that frightful verger, Alice, the heave-ho.
She won't be happy about that.
Tough luck.
She's a famous imbecile.
In last year's Christmas crib she had the Virgin Mary cradling a pig.
And the baby Jesus being suckled by a black goat! But she's awfully keen.
Eddie the Eagle was very keen! The kind thing would still have been to shoot him the first time he put on a pair of skis.
I think the new chap will see sense.
Sack Alice and sack Mrs Cropley.
I've seen better flower arrangements on a compost heap.
Whisky? Please.
Excellent stuff.
Keep it locked away when the rabble come round.
No point in wasting it on people who adore Asda sweet amontillado.
Actually, that is lovely stuff.
Good old Asda! Oh, sherry, wow! Only the best here, Miss Tinker.
Thanks.
Sandwich? No, thank you.
Anchovy and peanut butter not quite my cup of tea.
Frank, sherry? Thank you very much.
My favourite.
There we are.
Cheers.
Jim? No, no, no, no, no Yes.
There, don't drink it all at once.
Top stuff.
We are all gathered here to greet our new vicar.
Sorry it's an awful night.
Can't fix everything! You did get our cat fixed, didn't you? DOORBELL RINGS Our new vicar has arrived.
Either that or the milkman's late again.
Hello? Could you hurry? It's pouring down out here.
Raining very hard now.
Please! Hello.
Hello.
David Honiton Hawtrey.
Horton.
That's the chap.
Could you take these while I? Cheers.
Bye! Excuse me.
Just get past you.
I'm Geraldine.
You're expecting me.
No, I'm expecting our new vicar.
Unless you ARE the new vicar, and they've landed us with a woman as some sort of insane joke! Oh, dear.
Oh, God! You expected a bloke, beard, Bible, bad breath That sort of thing.
And, instead, you've got a babe with a bob cut and a magnificent bosom.
So I see.
Don't worry, it'll be all right.
We need a stiff drink.
Come on.
Hello, I'm Geraldine.
Call me Gerry.
Delighted to meet you.
I'm Hugo.
Call meHugo.
Do you mind if I say that is a devastatingly smart tie, Hugo? Is it? Yes.
Shall we go in there? Ladies and gentlemen, your newvicar.
Hello - Geraldine.
Boo! I'm Frank Pickle.
I take the minutes on the council.
Splendid.
Forgive me if I forget your name.
I'm dreadful with names.
Ask me to name the Virgin Mary's son and, nope, mind's gone blank.
Jesus.
That's it! Hello - Geraldine.
Gerry.
LetitiaLetty.
Cropley.
I do the flowers in the church.
What have we got in this week? We're in mourning for Rev Pottle.
Of course.
Lovely.
Carnations? Yes.
And I thought I'd put in a pineapple as well.
Unusual.
And you are? No, no, no, no, no Jim.
Jim? No, no, no, no.
Not Jim? No, no Yes - Jim.
Good, good.
And finally? Delighted to meet you.
Miss Tinker WAS the verger under Rev Pottle.
Do you want to go on with the job? Yes, please, ma'am.
Good, good.
Don't call me ma'am.
Sounds like the Queen.
Lovely lady, but odd taste in hats.
Yes, yes.
You can call me Alice.
Right.
Because it's my name.
Right.
Perhaps we should talk about this in the morning.
Yes.
Oh! Absolutely hate amontillado.
D'you have any whisky? Certainly.
I'd like a whisky.
Me, too.
Jim? No, no, no Please yourself.
Yes, I'll have one.
DOORBELL RINGS Unusual sandwiches.
What's with the ham? Lemon curd.
Good Lord! I'll pop it down there for a moment.
Thanks for coming on an awful night when you could be in watching Oh, we're missing Top of the Pops! Anyway, cheers.
Sorry I'm late.
I've been on the kazi since sundown.
Ah, Owen.
This is Geraldine.
She's the new vicar.
Hello.
No, she isn't.
Why not? She's a woman.
You noticed.
THESE are such a giveaway! Eh? Whisky, Owen? Yes, I need one! Make it a double.
We need another bottle.
Did I spot a Glenfiddich in there? Don't think so, no.
No, no, there is.
Or we could have that expensive single malt you were keeping for special occasions.
I think I feel a party coming on.
Cheers! Can I speak to the Bishop? He's where? What's he doing there? They're all Muslims, aren't they? Really? 25 million Christians? Oh, well, fair enough.
More than here.
By about 25 million.
This is David Horton.
If he could ring me when he returns.
I won't have my village used like a laboratory animal to see if woman vicars work! She seemed a decent chap to me.
That's the point.
She's not a chap.
Not technically.
Quite a technicality! Will we have topless bathing on the rectory lawn? The old vicar sunbathed topless.
But he was a man, so it didn't matter.
It did because he had fair skin that burns If Jesus wanted women to spread the Gospel, he'd have appointed them.
It's Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, not Sharon, Tracy, Tara and Debbie! It won't do.
Call an extraordinary meeting of the council, Hugo.
They don't call me Sportin' Horton for nothing! Do they? I thought they called you Dirty David because of your Victorian pornography.
Shut up! Well, it can't be right, can it really? What's that? Having a woman vicar.
Jesus didn't have women disciples.
No, but things have to change, don't they? That's right.
Look at traffic lights.
What? If they didn't change, there'd be terrible congestion.
On the other hand, there's gravity.
What about it? If gravity changed, we'd all go floating up into space.
And no-one wants that.
There's good change and bad change.
Yes, I mean, there's the Changing of the Guard.
Wonderful.
And there's prawn-flavoured crisps.
Disaster! Here we are, number two - base camp.
Ahh! Well, from here we launch our great mission.
With, of courseproper rations.
You'll have to take me through a few things.
Yeah.
What kind of crowd are we pulling to the Sunday gigs? Oh, about four.
A crowd of four? On a good day.
Well, four's not bad.
There were four Gospels, four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Four Rocky movies till they made Rocky V.
Very bad move.
It may go up to five if Mr Newitt's bowels settle down.
So we have Mrs Cropley, Mr Pickle, Mr Horton Sometimes Hugo comes, but not very often.
So who's the fourth one? Mr Newitt.
I mentionedwith the bowels.
No, he was the fifth one, wasn't he? Was he? Oh, yes.
Oh, um Well Oh, me! Thickness! What about Christmas? Christmas! Well, that's special.
How many? Three.
Mrs Cropley visits her sister.
I see.
So what do you do when you're not in charge of crowd control? I help the teacher at the nursery school.
Oh! Art's my forte.
So it is! Reverend Pottle said that I was an undiscovered genius.
Did he? Did he? Very remarkable man.
Well, let's see.
Oh, Ribena! For Sunday school? Holy communion.
Unorthodox.
Well, the Reverend had a tendency to get a little tipsy, so I used it instead of wine to avoid Quite right.
If this stuff had been around at the Last Supper, our Lord might have had a swig.
To keep a clear head for Pilate's questions.
What is truth? Sorry? That was the question Pilate asked.
So he did.
Good old Pilate.
Sort of Magnus Magnusson of Palestine, wasn't he? "Name?" "Jesus.
" "Profession?" "Saviour of mankind.
" "And your specialist subject, Jesus, is catering.
"How many loaves and fishes does it take to feed 5,000 people?" "Umpass!" God, Alice, do you think we're going to be all right? Of course.
I'm gonna support you all the way.
Then we can't fail.
And I know a lot about tropical fish.
Splendid.
Splendid.
Then we shall be fishers of men.
Yes I don't know much about them, I'm afraid.
Watch and learn, kid.
Watch and learn.
I've drafted a letter asking that she be removed from her position.
If you've any objections, if you want our village to be a laughing stock, or if you BELIEVE what most Anglicans think is heresy, do speak up now.
Sorry I'm late.
Visiting the new parishioners.
I think they'd be LESS surprised if the new vicar had been Mr Blobby! Challenges, challenges.
Miss anything important? Yes, we have drafted a letter to the Bishop.
Great.
Bertie only gets dull circulars, asking if it's true most priests are as gay as Larry Hagman.
Is it Larry Hagman? Let's get on.
Grayson! That's it - Grayson.
"Shut that door!" Hilarious! Frank, as secretary to the council, perhaps you should read it.
I'd rather not.
Jim? OK, I'll read it.
"From the Dibley Parish Council" Sorry I'm late.
It's the big ride at Alton Towers in my innards.
I'm reading a letter from the council to the bishop.
Right.
"My Lord, sorry to take up your valuable time, but an important subject has arisen.
" Perhaps you could mention his trip to Africa.
Like "Welcome back from your triumphant conference.
" He'll be putty in your hand.
Thanks.
Hugoanother stunning tie! Girls just aren't safe, are they? "Welcome back from your triumphant conference.
" He'll never refuse you now.
"Sorry to take up your valuable time.
" Good! "But an important subject has arisen.
Your new choice for vicar has now arrived.
"We are deeply unhappy about her and feel she won't fit into our community.
"We are angry that we should be used as an experiment ground for the excesses of the modern church, "and we ask you to reconsider this disastrous appointment.
" It's signed from the Dibley Parish Council.
Phew! Well, you certainly know how to wind a girl.
That's all of you, is it? Yes, it is.
Except me, actually.
Potty Pottle was a right old woman, and if we must have a lass, I prefer a young one.
Particularly, if I may say so, one with such interesting taste in jumpers.
Thank you.
My grandma knitted this.
She's blind.
Did we actually vote on it? No, no, noI don't know.
Of course we did.
I'll check that.
No, in fact, we seem to have forgotten to vote.
Excellent.
That's good news.
But we all agreed.
I hadn't.
I propose we give the Reverend a chance.
At least see how she does on Sunday.
All those in favour of Mr Newitt's proposition? All those against? This is ridiculous.
The proof of the pudding will be in the eating.
Our little community does not react well to a vicar in high heels, and supports my desire to keep up the traditions of this village and the church! I take it that's a "no"? Yes! God, your father's handsome when he's angry! In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
AMEN ! I'd like to start by singing "Zippee-dee-doo-da" because it's such a thrill to see you all here.
But I think we should stick with tradition and sing hymn number 199.
# Immortal, invisible, God only wise # I know you were surprised to find your vicar's a woman.
So was I.
All through my teens I was convinced that I would become a supermodel, and marry Eric Clapton or David Soul.
Then I read the Sermon on the Mount, and it was so fantastic, that was it.
I decided to abandon the catwalk and give the dog collar a try.
So here I am, at your service, totally yours, any time, any day.
But if you come to see me early in the morning, wear dark glasses.
Before my face falls into place, I look like Bernard Manning! It's true.
I do.
It's scary.
Now let's sing hymn number 300.
It sounds best if you shout on the "bread of heaven" bit.
# Bread of heaven # Bread of heaven # Feed me now and ever more # Ever more # Feed me now # And ever more! # Marks out of ten, Alice? 17.
KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.
Owen, what did you think? Missed most of it.
Otherwise engaged.
Stomach bad? It's like the Battle of the Somme.
Jim, did you enjoy it? No, no.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
You'll be staying on now.
MUTTERS OF AGREEMEN Fingers crossed.
I haven't been more sure of anything since my O level results.
How many did you pass? None.
It's the most people in church since that Lady Godiva thing.
What? We celebrated the summer solstice by re-enacting Lady Godiva.
No, no, that's my dress! A lot of people turned up, but it was rather disappointing.
Lady Godiva wearing a body stocking? No, she was stark naked.
Wow! I didn't get to the hairdresser's so I wasn't looking my best.
I bet you were, you saucepot! # Holy goodness and mercy # Shall follow me # All the days of my life # And I may dwell in the house # Of the Lord for ever # For ever # So there's this nun, she's having a bath, and a knock comes on the door.
Oh, dear! She says, "Who is it?" The reply is, "The blind man.
Can I come in?" She thinks about it, then says, "OK, come in.
" So the chap comes in and says, "Nice BLEEP! Where d'you want me to hang the blind?" He wasn't No, no.
And he saw Hmm.
Yes, yes.
(squawks) Technology's brilliant, but keeping up can be a bit tricky.
That's why at the Carphone Warehouse we've always had the latest stuff.
Always have, always will.
Along with lots of clued-up people who can help you make sense of it all.
Welcome to: So let me get this straight, Churchill.
When I join, you'll give me 25% discount on my home insurance? Oh, yes.
And a no claims discount? Oh, yes.
And the same again when you renew? Oh, yes! Very generous.
Is there anything I can do for you? Oh! # I see the crystal raindrops fall Er, no.
No, no, no.
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Dark chocolate and vanilla-flavour ice cream.
Smooth chocolate sauce and chocolate pieces.
Ooh, Chocolate Inspiration! # The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want # He maketh me # To lie down in green pastures # He leadeth me # Beside the still waters # Still waters #