The Vicar of Dibley (1994) s02e04 Episode Script
Love and Marriage
Item six,.
.
the naming of the new road.
Any suggestions? Yes, I think we should call it "New Road".
Really? Not to be confused, of course, with the somewhat- similary name "New Road" at the other end of the village.
Yes, but that's quite an old road now sir.
So I thought we could re-name that one, "Quite Old Road" Not forgetting of course That we already have a "Quite Old Road", Ah-ha.
.
I'm ahead of you sir.
.
I'd fear you might be.
.
Yeah, so I thought, we could re-name old "Quite Old Road", to "Really Quite Old Road Now".
And, so for us to leave a gap for any new roads.
.
I thought,.
.
that we could free up the name "Old Road", by re-naming "Old Road", were I live, to "Very Old Road" Or, we could just go for "Pratt's Lane" Hugo, do you have a suggestion? -No.
.
Oh!.
.
oh yes, yes, I-I think we should name it after the Chairman of the council, "David Horton Road".
Ah!, ha,.
Well,.
Good lord, what a thought.
.
ha! Shall we take a vote.
.
Sorry Im late.
Where are we? Voting on a name for the new road.
Good.
So long as we don't name it after any of us.
I hate that puffy-puffy, self-publicity, don't you? So.
.
what's the suggestion? "David Horton Road".
Oh, please!.
.
In the name of all that is holy, NO!.
.
I agree with the vicar on this.
Very poor idea, Hugo.
I'd rather name it in memory of someone who is no longer with us.
Someone like, saymy predecessor as chairman of the parish council.
Excellent! Your predecessor.
.
,being Your father's cousin? Whose name was? David Horton.
That's right.
All those in favour of naming it "David Horton Road", after my predecessor? Carried.
Now, Vicar, you had a couple of things? Yes.
Well the main thing is that by the next time we meet, Hugo here will have married the lovely Alice Tinker.
That's right.
Dibley's answer to Michelle Pfeiffer, only much, much prettier.
This is an ideal opportunity to offer him a few words of encouragement.
Anyone? Well, certainly.
Yes.
I've not known what it is to be married, Hugo, but I still hope to plant my seed in a certain acreage of womanhood.
But I reckon if you treat Alice like I treat my prize cow, you won't go far wrong apart from making her eat grass and getting her mounted by a bull, of course.
If you do that, you'll get arrested, like my father was.
Well, that's very helpful, Thank you Owen.
Yes Any words of wisdom from you, Jim? Well, I-I've been married 43 years, and the secret of a successful marriage, Hugo, is sex and plenty of it.
Well, hooray.
With as many different women as possible.
Oh, no.
Especially Orientals, cos they can Thank you.
That's quite enough.
.
.
What about you, Frank? Well, I've never had sex with an Oriental.
-No, no, no.
.
I meant have you any words of advice for Hugo? I can do no better than read from this week's horoscope.
"Libra - romance is in the air, and happiness shall be yours eternally.
" That's absolutely splendid.
Yes.
Except you're Capricorn ar'nt you Hugo.
Right.
"Capricorn - forget romance, you are heading for total catastrophe.
" Good Lord! This is totally out of the blue, Your Grace.
I don't know.
I'm aware of the importance of inner-city work, and I've always wanted to do missionary stuff.
You know how fond I am of all things missionary.
It's just Oh, dear.
It really would be very hard indeed to leave Dibley.
Ding-dong, Avon calling! Or rather, ding-dong, Verger calling I suppose.
On the other hand, leave it with me.
OK.
Bye.
And love to Rocky.
.
.
OK.
So, what can I do for you, quivering bride-to-be? Well, as you know my Mum's making my wedding dress.
-Mmm and I just want to run it by you before she actually starts knitting.
Knitting Yeah As you can see, we're going for the traditional white.
Good idea.
With red and blue stripes, just to give it that British look.
Right.
Hence the policeman's helmet, also? Yeah.
Right.
And the Flopsy bunnies, do you think they will they work? O yeah definitely.
They balance out Tarka the otter.
It would look very odd with just an otter.
Yes.
Well, that I don't deny.
And then for my train, she thought Thomas The Tank Engine.
Right.
Along with Percy and Gordon.
Mmm, right.
.
It's quite a lot to pull up the aisle - three steam engines.
No, they'll be very light.
She's making them out of lino.
What do you think? Can I be brutally honest? As brutally honest as you want.
Good.
As long as you don't say anything nasty or critical in any way.
Right, Well working within those particular parameters, then.
.
I love this dress.
Oh, Brillo Pads! Excuse me.
Mrs Alice Horton.
David, Hugo, come on in.
Hello, husband-to-be.
Hello, wife-to-be.
Hello, father-in-law-to-be.
Hello, Miss Tinker.
Tea, Alice? OK.
Bye-bye, Daddio.
Doo-doo.
It's like the planet of the Clangers in here.
I come strait to the point, I've invited a lot of family and friends, so I want to make sure this wedding's not a total embarrassment.
Oh, fear not.
Hugo and I have kept a very careful eye on things.
Yes.
All the catering is sorted out.
Good old Burger King.
Yes.
Can't have too many gherkins at a wedding I always say.
And we've been tweaking your speech, hav'nt we Hugo.
That's right.
.
I knew I cracked it when I put in your joke about the Australian who got stung by a snake on his todger.
I'll just go and help Alice.
Would you like to sit down? Oh, my God! Please tell me she's not wearing this! No, David,that's just a piece of paper with a drawing on it.
She'll be wearing the finished dress, sculpted from only the finest-quality wool and linoleum.
Is that an Otter, Yep, it's to balance out the bunnies And what's that? That is Bobby Moore receiving the World Cup in 1966.
If she wears this dress, I am not coming! This is just what I feared.
Vicar, I will see you at drinks on Tuesday, by when I expect to hear that changes have been made.
Hugo! Bye Alice.
Oh, when he kisses me I go all goose-pimply, like a great big pimply goose.
Oh, it's all going to be so perfect! Yes I have been having second thoughts about this dress.
Really? You think I should go nude? No.
It's a thought.
-No, no, no, I just think it should be simpler, that's all.
Oh, you mean like lots of hearts or something? Yeah.
With a different Dr Who in each one? No.
Hi.
Welcome to the party.
Come in.
Let me take your coat.
Oh, great.
Nice blouse! Oh, thank you.
My mum knocked it up from some curtains.
Fun.
Hello, Vicar.
Hello, Hugo.
I got so lucky.
SO many girls don't have any dress sense at all.
Oh, God.
I've forgotten to put my make-up on.
.
.
Oh, hell.
Who cares? It's the woman inside that counts, eh, Ali-pally? Every time, Vic-stick.
Girl power! Geraldine, I'd like you to meet my little brother Simon.
Well, hello.
Would you excuse me just, er? Move it! .
.
Hi, I'm Geraldine! Yes, I've heard you on the radio.
It's very amusing.
Was I? Oh, was I? A very funny story about the choirboy and the cucumber.
Thanks.
So, you're the prodigal brother.
In what way prodigal? Too much drink.
Too much sex.
Too little responsibility.
Ah-huh-ha.
Well, that's my kind of prodigal.
So, here we are - total strangers trying to find out more about each other.
So just plucking a question totally at random - are you married? No, my wife died six years ago.
GoodGod! How awful.
Yeah, well, it's a long time now.
So, is there another special lady in your life at the moment? No.
But you'd like one! Yes, I'd love one.
Point me towards a buxom blonde and I'd be out of that door like a bullet out of a great big gun.
Blonde Right.
Blonde Well, I suppose blondes are valuable people too.
I'm looking forward to the rehearsal tomorrow.
You're coming? Wild dinosaurs wouldn't keep me away.
I want to see you in action, Vicar.
Oh, please, just call me Geraldine.
Hey, just call me Gerry! Actually, forget the ruddy vowels, just call me Grr.
Grr, it is.
No animals was harmed in the testing of this product.
Although several blond rat's had become horrible conseited.
So let's see To use: Proceed with care.
.
and apply gradually and with great caution Right Right Well.
.
Goodbye to "no action in the pant's" department.
Let's in a Simon Horton # De-de de de de DE # Hello, Jim.
Come on in.
What can I do for you this merry day? There's something I'd like to try out on you.
Oi-oi.
It's my best-man speech.
Nothing I'd like better! Right, well Ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for the best man.
I would like to begin with a quotation from that great song of Abba's.
Kn-Kn-Kno Kn-Kn-Kno Knowing me Kn-Kn-Kno Kn-Kn-Kno Knowing you I'm going for some water from the kitchen.
I'll still be listening.
Right.
Know Know Know Knowing me Know Know Know Knowing you Ah-ha There is nothing we can do We just have to face it this time We are through.
Now I hear you saying Why has he chosen Know Know Know Know Knowing me? Just going to get a biscuit as well.
Know Know Know Knowing you.
Surely, that song is about divorce? Right! But that is my point.
You see, knowknowknow knowknowknowing Hugo and knowknowknow knowknowknowing Alice, I am sure, unlike Abba, they will never divorce.
Well, That's fantastic Jim, it's gripping stuff.
The only doggie part for me was the knowing me, knowing you stuff, but the rest of it is perfection O no, no.
no.
no you'r too kind Right so if you like to.
.
I would now like to conclude with a quotation, from my favorite musical no, no, nono.
.
no, no, no.
.
no.
.
-Oh look at the time, let's be going I think Jim Yes.
.
a very good speech.
.
no, no, no, no, you think it is? no, no, no, no, -Oh well, safe journey home then.
.
no, no, no, no, no No no Nanette.
.
She definitely said ten.
I can't imagine what's held her up.
Morning.
Morning Vicar.
Simon not here? No, something else came up.
Oh.
Right.
Some dinosaurs perhaps.
Pardon? Nothing.
Right.
Let's get started, shall we? Jim, have you got the ring? No, I haven't.
No, I know you haven't got it now, but you will have it on the day? That's right.
Right.
So Have you got the ring? No.
I'll have it on the day.
Right.
Moving on, then.
Owen, it's a wedding video.
It's not Schindler's List.
Fine, this is when I'll ask, Who give the hand of this woman in marriage Yes, well.
.
look.
.
I been worried about that.
How come? You see, I'v been thinking.
.
.
.
people may think that I'm the actual father of the bride.
Mmm.
.
That's a problem, is it? Well.
.
Yes, so I thought .
.
we may put this in the order of service.
Mmm, right.
.
-Frank Pickle would like to point out that he's an old friend of the family.
And he's definitely not Alice's father.
As he have never had sexual relations with Ms Tinker in any way.
.
Well.
.
I thought it might help.
Thank's for all that Vicar.
The wedding is gotta be just fabulouso.
Yeah And the wedding night Hugo? Have you thought about that? Oh absolutely, we both packing hot water bottles and I got a brand new pair of Rupert Bear pyjamas.
Alright.
.
right.
.
And of course that copy of basic instinct.
Oh.
.
Suddenly too much information there.
.
Oh, Alice, this one's filthy! Sorry.
Please excuse me.
I've got to get ready for evensong.
Right.
I-I'll leave you to it.
.
.
Oh, hello, Uncle Simon.
Hi, bog brush.
I'm sorry I missed the rehearsal.
It's that bloody motorway.
No don't worry really.
Shall I help you with that? No, I do it every day.
Actually, if you could help at the back Thanks.
Well, hello! Blondie! What this? This is just a whim, just a whimsical whim.
That's me for you - born whimy.
I planned to go out for dinner this evening, get away from big brother.
I was wondering, if you would concider joining me? Yeah, wouldn't mind.
Don't forget my hen party tonight, Geraldine.
I'll be round at eight.
Ah.
God obviously hates me.
Another day.
Another day.
How about tomorrow? I have to get back to Liverpool straight after the reception.
Liverpool? Yes, I'm "your friend in the north.
" Oh, blondie I'll see you at the wedding.
Nice arse, he can get me one anytime.
I beg your pardon Alice? Oh I was just practising.
I'v been reading this book about hen parties and apparently we have to watch this man taking his clothes off and then the bride has to say -Nice arse, he can get me one anytime- Does she indeed Who is comming to this party then? -You know, all my girlfriends.
.
And for many do I get booze for, 10? -No.
20? 40? -No.
Oh down? -Mm.
20? -Mm 10? Less than 10? -Yeah.
.
Ah Now I'm anybody's! This is the best party I've ever been to in my whole life.
Is it? Me too.
It's wild, isn't it? Everybody's been so nice, haven't they? I can't imagine a better best man than Jim.
No.
.
I think his speech is going to be a real highlight.
And Mr Newit have been ever so thorough with the wedding video He's even letting us pay for him to come on our honeymoon.
.
just so he can take a few pictures.
Yeah.
.
He's all heart is't he Oh, dear Frank agreeing to give me away! Yes.
It would have been nice to have had Mr Horton, being my actual biological father, but for obvious reasons that's not possible and Fank's lovely.
Sorry, sorry.
Just slipped into a parallel universe where absolutley nothing made sense there for a moment.
You said Mr Horton was your father.
Yes.
He didn't bring me up or anything, but Mum said that one night they had a "stand" together and that makes him my biological father.
Gateway to hell wide open now.
I suppose that's one reason Hugo and me get on so well - being related.
Nobody would know Nobody would know .
.
until the day the first child was born with eight legs and webbed feet and fur.
And there she is.
Our first glimpse of the vicar on this very special wedding day.
What are you doing? Are you all right, Vicar? I'm just a bit off-colour.
I've a cold coming.
Would you like me to rub some Vick on your chest? No, that won't be necessary, thank you Owen.
-Shame.
Owen, I'm going to have to cancel the wedding.
Because of a sniffle? No, because I just found out last night, that Alice's biological father is David Horton.
-Yes that's right.
What's the problem? Sorry?.
.
Has the British legal and ethical system entirely bypassed Dibley? David Horton!!! You do know who I mean by David Horton? Yes.
The cousin of our David Horton's father.
His predecessor on the council.
Dirty Dave Horton, the stud of Stadhampton.
Oh, right! Right! Obviously! Oh, Owen.
I love you.
Shall we go to bed, then? No.
Oh, I'd better hurry.
We come together to witness the marriage of Alice and Hugo.
Before we begin, we'll sing one of Alice's favourite hymns.
I say "hymn" # Come a little bit closer, baby Get it on, get it on tonight # Tonight # When two become o-one # I need some love like I've never needed love before # I wanna make love to you, baby! # Now I'm back for more I wanna make love to you, baby # Set your spirit free # It's the only way to be-e-e-e.
# If any person here knows of any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
Yes! I do.
The groom is already married.
He married me three years ago, and don't let him deny it.
I've got the marriage certificate to prove it.
Oh, sorry.
Wrong church.
Have you got the ring? Yes.
No.
Right.
With this ring, I thee wed.
With this ring .
.
I thee wed.
With my body, I thee worship.
W-W-W-W Repeat after me - I, Alice Springs Tinker .
.
take thee, Hugo Horton .
.
take thee, Hugo Horton .
.
to be my lawful wedded husband .
.
to be my lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold .
.
to have and to hold .
.
from this day forward .
.
for richer, for poorer .
.
for better, for worse, till death us do part.
Amen.
.
.
in sickness and in health Yes, in that too.
I know true love when I see it, and I saw it in this pair from the moment I arrived in Dibley.
I also know true insanity.
I think I've had a little glimpse of that too.
And so, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
No, Jim.
Not you.
# Wild thing You make my heart sing # You make everythinggroovy.
# Splendid service, Vicar.
I'll throw my bouquet.
Ready? I wonder who the next bride will be.
Don't tell me you believe in all that superstitious nonsense.
Ah! Gosh.
Looks like it's me.
Here we are.
Oh, thank you.
So did you enjoy the service then Jim? Oh you bet I did, that Alice snog's like a nymphomaniac on the deth row.
Yes.
.
Did you settle on a present? Well, I notise there was a dishwasher on the wedding list.
-Ah lovely Yes, so we clubs together.
.
-Ah And bought them a bottle of rinse aid for it.
.
Right.
.
What are you guys like ey.
.
spend, spend, spend Perhaps we could have got away with a sachet.
.
Ahem.
While Alice and Hugo are getting ready, I'd like to make a small announcement.
A good old Vicar speech for every occasion, eh? I'd just like to say that today was a very special wedding for me because I am, in fact, going to be leaving Dibley.
And so it was in fact, my last marriage here.
I'm going to miss you all to bits, obviously.
It's just that I feel spirituality the real problems are in the inner cities, so I'm going to a new parish in Liverpool.
And I happen to know a couple of tall people there, so I think the whole experience will be very satisfying.
Thank you.
Vicar, for the first time in my life, I'm speechless.
Well, not the first time.
As a baby, I was speechless, obviously.
And in 1972, I lost my voice for a day, so in a sense I was speechless then Dear Frank.
I whant you to know, you're the best vicar we've ever had.
Thank you Owen.
All the others were ugly bastards.
You're a very tender human being Owen.
You've been just wonderful, and after you we want another woman vicar Turned you into a feminist Jim! .
.
with a lovely arse, like yours.
I spoke too soon.
So you're becoming a Liver bird.
It's gonna be great.
What a cruel sod Fate is.
David's asked me to run the estate for him.
I shall be moving to Dibley.
.
.
Really? Dibley? It's such a pity.
We could have really got to know each other good.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Just another teeny change of plan.
Vicar.
Sod it, I'll tell you later.
Big hand for the bride and groom, who are in their going-away gear! We're off to Barbados.
Quite amusing, actually.
I've put a little firework in the exhaust pipe.
No, no, no? So did I.
Oh, dear.
Me too.
I must say, I think marriage looks rather good fun, don't you, Vicar? Well, don't quote me on it, but, eryes, I do.
So, the man from McDonald's goes to the Pope and says, "Holy Father, I have a proposition for you.
"I will give the Church a million quid "if every time you say the Lord's Prayer, you say 'Give us this day our daily hamburger.
' " Mm.
The Holy Father thinks about this and he says, "My son, I cannot change the holy text.
" So the man says, "OK.
FIFTY million quid.
" So the Pope says, "I'll put it to the cardinals.
" So he says to his cardinals, "I've some good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that I can get the Church 50 million smackeroonies.
"The bad news is we'll have to lose the contract with Wonderloaf.
" You see, cos they already had a deal going Over the daily bread.
-I know, -I get it.
.
You get it? Brilliant.
Oh, you get it.
What a relief! Stay.
.
the naming of the new road.
Any suggestions? Yes, I think we should call it "New Road".
Really? Not to be confused, of course, with the somewhat- similary name "New Road" at the other end of the village.
Yes, but that's quite an old road now sir.
So I thought we could re-name that one, "Quite Old Road" Not forgetting of course That we already have a "Quite Old Road", Ah-ha.
.
I'm ahead of you sir.
.
I'd fear you might be.
.
Yeah, so I thought, we could re-name old "Quite Old Road", to "Really Quite Old Road Now".
And, so for us to leave a gap for any new roads.
.
I thought,.
.
that we could free up the name "Old Road", by re-naming "Old Road", were I live, to "Very Old Road" Or, we could just go for "Pratt's Lane" Hugo, do you have a suggestion? -No.
.
Oh!.
.
oh yes, yes, I-I think we should name it after the Chairman of the council, "David Horton Road".
Ah!, ha,.
Well,.
Good lord, what a thought.
.
ha! Shall we take a vote.
.
Sorry Im late.
Where are we? Voting on a name for the new road.
Good.
So long as we don't name it after any of us.
I hate that puffy-puffy, self-publicity, don't you? So.
.
what's the suggestion? "David Horton Road".
Oh, please!.
.
In the name of all that is holy, NO!.
.
I agree with the vicar on this.
Very poor idea, Hugo.
I'd rather name it in memory of someone who is no longer with us.
Someone like, saymy predecessor as chairman of the parish council.
Excellent! Your predecessor.
.
,being Your father's cousin? Whose name was? David Horton.
That's right.
All those in favour of naming it "David Horton Road", after my predecessor? Carried.
Now, Vicar, you had a couple of things? Yes.
Well the main thing is that by the next time we meet, Hugo here will have married the lovely Alice Tinker.
That's right.
Dibley's answer to Michelle Pfeiffer, only much, much prettier.
This is an ideal opportunity to offer him a few words of encouragement.
Anyone? Well, certainly.
Yes.
I've not known what it is to be married, Hugo, but I still hope to plant my seed in a certain acreage of womanhood.
But I reckon if you treat Alice like I treat my prize cow, you won't go far wrong apart from making her eat grass and getting her mounted by a bull, of course.
If you do that, you'll get arrested, like my father was.
Well, that's very helpful, Thank you Owen.
Yes Any words of wisdom from you, Jim? Well, I-I've been married 43 years, and the secret of a successful marriage, Hugo, is sex and plenty of it.
Well, hooray.
With as many different women as possible.
Oh, no.
Especially Orientals, cos they can Thank you.
That's quite enough.
.
.
What about you, Frank? Well, I've never had sex with an Oriental.
-No, no, no.
.
I meant have you any words of advice for Hugo? I can do no better than read from this week's horoscope.
"Libra - romance is in the air, and happiness shall be yours eternally.
" That's absolutely splendid.
Yes.
Except you're Capricorn ar'nt you Hugo.
Right.
"Capricorn - forget romance, you are heading for total catastrophe.
" Good Lord! This is totally out of the blue, Your Grace.
I don't know.
I'm aware of the importance of inner-city work, and I've always wanted to do missionary stuff.
You know how fond I am of all things missionary.
It's just Oh, dear.
It really would be very hard indeed to leave Dibley.
Ding-dong, Avon calling! Or rather, ding-dong, Verger calling I suppose.
On the other hand, leave it with me.
OK.
Bye.
And love to Rocky.
.
.
OK.
So, what can I do for you, quivering bride-to-be? Well, as you know my Mum's making my wedding dress.
-Mmm and I just want to run it by you before she actually starts knitting.
Knitting Yeah As you can see, we're going for the traditional white.
Good idea.
With red and blue stripes, just to give it that British look.
Right.
Hence the policeman's helmet, also? Yeah.
Right.
And the Flopsy bunnies, do you think they will they work? O yeah definitely.
They balance out Tarka the otter.
It would look very odd with just an otter.
Yes.
Well, that I don't deny.
And then for my train, she thought Thomas The Tank Engine.
Right.
Along with Percy and Gordon.
Mmm, right.
.
It's quite a lot to pull up the aisle - three steam engines.
No, they'll be very light.
She's making them out of lino.
What do you think? Can I be brutally honest? As brutally honest as you want.
Good.
As long as you don't say anything nasty or critical in any way.
Right, Well working within those particular parameters, then.
.
I love this dress.
Oh, Brillo Pads! Excuse me.
Mrs Alice Horton.
David, Hugo, come on in.
Hello, husband-to-be.
Hello, wife-to-be.
Hello, father-in-law-to-be.
Hello, Miss Tinker.
Tea, Alice? OK.
Bye-bye, Daddio.
Doo-doo.
It's like the planet of the Clangers in here.
I come strait to the point, I've invited a lot of family and friends, so I want to make sure this wedding's not a total embarrassment.
Oh, fear not.
Hugo and I have kept a very careful eye on things.
Yes.
All the catering is sorted out.
Good old Burger King.
Yes.
Can't have too many gherkins at a wedding I always say.
And we've been tweaking your speech, hav'nt we Hugo.
That's right.
.
I knew I cracked it when I put in your joke about the Australian who got stung by a snake on his todger.
I'll just go and help Alice.
Would you like to sit down? Oh, my God! Please tell me she's not wearing this! No, David,that's just a piece of paper with a drawing on it.
She'll be wearing the finished dress, sculpted from only the finest-quality wool and linoleum.
Is that an Otter, Yep, it's to balance out the bunnies And what's that? That is Bobby Moore receiving the World Cup in 1966.
If she wears this dress, I am not coming! This is just what I feared.
Vicar, I will see you at drinks on Tuesday, by when I expect to hear that changes have been made.
Hugo! Bye Alice.
Oh, when he kisses me I go all goose-pimply, like a great big pimply goose.
Oh, it's all going to be so perfect! Yes I have been having second thoughts about this dress.
Really? You think I should go nude? No.
It's a thought.
-No, no, no, I just think it should be simpler, that's all.
Oh, you mean like lots of hearts or something? Yeah.
With a different Dr Who in each one? No.
Hi.
Welcome to the party.
Come in.
Let me take your coat.
Oh, great.
Nice blouse! Oh, thank you.
My mum knocked it up from some curtains.
Fun.
Hello, Vicar.
Hello, Hugo.
I got so lucky.
SO many girls don't have any dress sense at all.
Oh, God.
I've forgotten to put my make-up on.
.
.
Oh, hell.
Who cares? It's the woman inside that counts, eh, Ali-pally? Every time, Vic-stick.
Girl power! Geraldine, I'd like you to meet my little brother Simon.
Well, hello.
Would you excuse me just, er? Move it! .
.
Hi, I'm Geraldine! Yes, I've heard you on the radio.
It's very amusing.
Was I? Oh, was I? A very funny story about the choirboy and the cucumber.
Thanks.
So, you're the prodigal brother.
In what way prodigal? Too much drink.
Too much sex.
Too little responsibility.
Ah-huh-ha.
Well, that's my kind of prodigal.
So, here we are - total strangers trying to find out more about each other.
So just plucking a question totally at random - are you married? No, my wife died six years ago.
GoodGod! How awful.
Yeah, well, it's a long time now.
So, is there another special lady in your life at the moment? No.
But you'd like one! Yes, I'd love one.
Point me towards a buxom blonde and I'd be out of that door like a bullet out of a great big gun.
Blonde Right.
Blonde Well, I suppose blondes are valuable people too.
I'm looking forward to the rehearsal tomorrow.
You're coming? Wild dinosaurs wouldn't keep me away.
I want to see you in action, Vicar.
Oh, please, just call me Geraldine.
Hey, just call me Gerry! Actually, forget the ruddy vowels, just call me Grr.
Grr, it is.
No animals was harmed in the testing of this product.
Although several blond rat's had become horrible conseited.
So let's see To use: Proceed with care.
.
and apply gradually and with great caution Right Right Well.
.
Goodbye to "no action in the pant's" department.
Let's in a Simon Horton # De-de de de de DE # Hello, Jim.
Come on in.
What can I do for you this merry day? There's something I'd like to try out on you.
Oi-oi.
It's my best-man speech.
Nothing I'd like better! Right, well Ladies and gentlemen, pray silence for the best man.
I would like to begin with a quotation from that great song of Abba's.
Kn-Kn-Kno Kn-Kn-Kno Knowing me Kn-Kn-Kno Kn-Kn-Kno Knowing you I'm going for some water from the kitchen.
I'll still be listening.
Right.
Know Know Know Knowing me Know Know Know Knowing you Ah-ha There is nothing we can do We just have to face it this time We are through.
Now I hear you saying Why has he chosen Know Know Know Know Knowing me? Just going to get a biscuit as well.
Know Know Know Knowing you.
Surely, that song is about divorce? Right! But that is my point.
You see, knowknowknow knowknowknowing Hugo and knowknowknow knowknowknowing Alice, I am sure, unlike Abba, they will never divorce.
Well, That's fantastic Jim, it's gripping stuff.
The only doggie part for me was the knowing me, knowing you stuff, but the rest of it is perfection O no, no.
no.
no you'r too kind Right so if you like to.
.
I would now like to conclude with a quotation, from my favorite musical no, no, nono.
.
no, no, no.
.
no.
.
-Oh look at the time, let's be going I think Jim Yes.
.
a very good speech.
.
no, no, no, no, you think it is? no, no, no, no, -Oh well, safe journey home then.
.
no, no, no, no, no No no Nanette.
.
She definitely said ten.
I can't imagine what's held her up.
Morning.
Morning Vicar.
Simon not here? No, something else came up.
Oh.
Right.
Some dinosaurs perhaps.
Pardon? Nothing.
Right.
Let's get started, shall we? Jim, have you got the ring? No, I haven't.
No, I know you haven't got it now, but you will have it on the day? That's right.
Right.
So Have you got the ring? No.
I'll have it on the day.
Right.
Moving on, then.
Owen, it's a wedding video.
It's not Schindler's List.
Fine, this is when I'll ask, Who give the hand of this woman in marriage Yes, well.
.
look.
.
I been worried about that.
How come? You see, I'v been thinking.
.
.
.
people may think that I'm the actual father of the bride.
Mmm.
.
That's a problem, is it? Well.
.
Yes, so I thought .
.
we may put this in the order of service.
Mmm, right.
.
-Frank Pickle would like to point out that he's an old friend of the family.
And he's definitely not Alice's father.
As he have never had sexual relations with Ms Tinker in any way.
.
Well.
.
I thought it might help.
Thank's for all that Vicar.
The wedding is gotta be just fabulouso.
Yeah And the wedding night Hugo? Have you thought about that? Oh absolutely, we both packing hot water bottles and I got a brand new pair of Rupert Bear pyjamas.
Alright.
.
right.
.
And of course that copy of basic instinct.
Oh.
.
Suddenly too much information there.
.
Oh, Alice, this one's filthy! Sorry.
Please excuse me.
I've got to get ready for evensong.
Right.
I-I'll leave you to it.
.
.
Oh, hello, Uncle Simon.
Hi, bog brush.
I'm sorry I missed the rehearsal.
It's that bloody motorway.
No don't worry really.
Shall I help you with that? No, I do it every day.
Actually, if you could help at the back Thanks.
Well, hello! Blondie! What this? This is just a whim, just a whimsical whim.
That's me for you - born whimy.
I planned to go out for dinner this evening, get away from big brother.
I was wondering, if you would concider joining me? Yeah, wouldn't mind.
Don't forget my hen party tonight, Geraldine.
I'll be round at eight.
Ah.
God obviously hates me.
Another day.
Another day.
How about tomorrow? I have to get back to Liverpool straight after the reception.
Liverpool? Yes, I'm "your friend in the north.
" Oh, blondie I'll see you at the wedding.
Nice arse, he can get me one anytime.
I beg your pardon Alice? Oh I was just practising.
I'v been reading this book about hen parties and apparently we have to watch this man taking his clothes off and then the bride has to say -Nice arse, he can get me one anytime- Does she indeed Who is comming to this party then? -You know, all my girlfriends.
.
And for many do I get booze for, 10? -No.
20? 40? -No.
Oh down? -Mm.
20? -Mm 10? Less than 10? -Yeah.
.
Ah Now I'm anybody's! This is the best party I've ever been to in my whole life.
Is it? Me too.
It's wild, isn't it? Everybody's been so nice, haven't they? I can't imagine a better best man than Jim.
No.
.
I think his speech is going to be a real highlight.
And Mr Newit have been ever so thorough with the wedding video He's even letting us pay for him to come on our honeymoon.
.
just so he can take a few pictures.
Yeah.
.
He's all heart is't he Oh, dear Frank agreeing to give me away! Yes.
It would have been nice to have had Mr Horton, being my actual biological father, but for obvious reasons that's not possible and Fank's lovely.
Sorry, sorry.
Just slipped into a parallel universe where absolutley nothing made sense there for a moment.
You said Mr Horton was your father.
Yes.
He didn't bring me up or anything, but Mum said that one night they had a "stand" together and that makes him my biological father.
Gateway to hell wide open now.
I suppose that's one reason Hugo and me get on so well - being related.
Nobody would know Nobody would know .
.
until the day the first child was born with eight legs and webbed feet and fur.
And there she is.
Our first glimpse of the vicar on this very special wedding day.
What are you doing? Are you all right, Vicar? I'm just a bit off-colour.
I've a cold coming.
Would you like me to rub some Vick on your chest? No, that won't be necessary, thank you Owen.
-Shame.
Owen, I'm going to have to cancel the wedding.
Because of a sniffle? No, because I just found out last night, that Alice's biological father is David Horton.
-Yes that's right.
What's the problem? Sorry?.
.
Has the British legal and ethical system entirely bypassed Dibley? David Horton!!! You do know who I mean by David Horton? Yes.
The cousin of our David Horton's father.
His predecessor on the council.
Dirty Dave Horton, the stud of Stadhampton.
Oh, right! Right! Obviously! Oh, Owen.
I love you.
Shall we go to bed, then? No.
Oh, I'd better hurry.
We come together to witness the marriage of Alice and Hugo.
Before we begin, we'll sing one of Alice's favourite hymns.
I say "hymn" # Come a little bit closer, baby Get it on, get it on tonight # Tonight # When two become o-one # I need some love like I've never needed love before # I wanna make love to you, baby! # Now I'm back for more I wanna make love to you, baby # Set your spirit free # It's the only way to be-e-e-e.
# If any person here knows of any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
Yes! I do.
The groom is already married.
He married me three years ago, and don't let him deny it.
I've got the marriage certificate to prove it.
Oh, sorry.
Wrong church.
Have you got the ring? Yes.
No.
Right.
With this ring, I thee wed.
With this ring .
.
I thee wed.
With my body, I thee worship.
W-W-W-W Repeat after me - I, Alice Springs Tinker .
.
take thee, Hugo Horton .
.
take thee, Hugo Horton .
.
to be my lawful wedded husband .
.
to be my lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold .
.
to have and to hold .
.
from this day forward .
.
for richer, for poorer .
.
for better, for worse, till death us do part.
Amen.
.
.
in sickness and in health Yes, in that too.
I know true love when I see it, and I saw it in this pair from the moment I arrived in Dibley.
I also know true insanity.
I think I've had a little glimpse of that too.
And so, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
No, Jim.
Not you.
# Wild thing You make my heart sing # You make everythinggroovy.
# Splendid service, Vicar.
I'll throw my bouquet.
Ready? I wonder who the next bride will be.
Don't tell me you believe in all that superstitious nonsense.
Ah! Gosh.
Looks like it's me.
Here we are.
Oh, thank you.
So did you enjoy the service then Jim? Oh you bet I did, that Alice snog's like a nymphomaniac on the deth row.
Yes.
.
Did you settle on a present? Well, I notise there was a dishwasher on the wedding list.
-Ah lovely Yes, so we clubs together.
.
-Ah And bought them a bottle of rinse aid for it.
.
Right.
.
What are you guys like ey.
.
spend, spend, spend Perhaps we could have got away with a sachet.
.
Ahem.
While Alice and Hugo are getting ready, I'd like to make a small announcement.
A good old Vicar speech for every occasion, eh? I'd just like to say that today was a very special wedding for me because I am, in fact, going to be leaving Dibley.
And so it was in fact, my last marriage here.
I'm going to miss you all to bits, obviously.
It's just that I feel spirituality the real problems are in the inner cities, so I'm going to a new parish in Liverpool.
And I happen to know a couple of tall people there, so I think the whole experience will be very satisfying.
Thank you.
Vicar, for the first time in my life, I'm speechless.
Well, not the first time.
As a baby, I was speechless, obviously.
And in 1972, I lost my voice for a day, so in a sense I was speechless then Dear Frank.
I whant you to know, you're the best vicar we've ever had.
Thank you Owen.
All the others were ugly bastards.
You're a very tender human being Owen.
You've been just wonderful, and after you we want another woman vicar Turned you into a feminist Jim! .
.
with a lovely arse, like yours.
I spoke too soon.
So you're becoming a Liver bird.
It's gonna be great.
What a cruel sod Fate is.
David's asked me to run the estate for him.
I shall be moving to Dibley.
.
.
Really? Dibley? It's such a pity.
We could have really got to know each other good.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Just another teeny change of plan.
Vicar.
Sod it, I'll tell you later.
Big hand for the bride and groom, who are in their going-away gear! We're off to Barbados.
Quite amusing, actually.
I've put a little firework in the exhaust pipe.
No, no, no? So did I.
Oh, dear.
Me too.
I must say, I think marriage looks rather good fun, don't you, Vicar? Well, don't quote me on it, but, eryes, I do.
So, the man from McDonald's goes to the Pope and says, "Holy Father, I have a proposition for you.
"I will give the Church a million quid "if every time you say the Lord's Prayer, you say 'Give us this day our daily hamburger.
' " Mm.
The Holy Father thinks about this and he says, "My son, I cannot change the holy text.
" So the man says, "OK.
FIFTY million quid.
" So the Pope says, "I'll put it to the cardinals.
" So he says to his cardinals, "I've some good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that I can get the Church 50 million smackeroonies.
"The bad news is we'll have to lose the contract with Wonderloaf.
" You see, cos they already had a deal going Over the daily bread.
-I know, -I get it.
.
You get it? Brilliant.
Oh, you get it.
What a relief! Stay.