The Vicar of Dibley (1994) s03e04 Episode Script
Summer
Beunos tardes! I said I'd mind baby Geraldine, as Alice was emotionally drained by Changing Rooms.
One couple didn't like their new kitchen.
I hate it when that happens.
i't brakes my heart.
Right.
Let's not get distracted.
Item one.
This being millennium year, we need to commemorate it She's dropped her toy, Hugo.
Ahh! No, no, no,no, She is a pretty baby, isn't she? Boo-boo! She's prettier than her father.
You're an ugly bastard, Hugo.
You look like Mother Teresa, only even uglier.
.
Can we get back to the agenda? Absolutely.
We'll take a vote on that.
On what? Jim's proposal that baby Geraldine is a pretty baby.
Don't be ridiculous.
All those in favour? Passed.
Except for Councillor Horton, her grandfather.
You don't think she's pretty? Of course I think she's pretty.
We'll have to vote again! Concentrate, chairman! Oh, Shut up, you arch idiot! -Language, David.
There's a baby present.
I KNOW there a baby present! Moving on.
We're now in the millennium year and we need to commemorate the event with something lasting.
Any ideas? # You're climbing up the step-step # Where the breezes blow Hoo-hoo # Any ideas? Yes, I think we should build something for the youth of the village.
Ah, that is more like it.
What did you have in mind? A ten-screen multiplex cinema with a bowling alley and Burger King.
Our budget is £2,000, Hugo Either that or a statue for the green Oh, Good thinking! .
.
Of someone who means a lot to the village.
Carol Vorderman! On what grounds? Well, I live in the village and she means a lot to me.
Me too.
I'd multiply with her any old time! I'd subtract her underpants any time.
I would divide her Boys! Boys! Boys.
.
, Please.
Get a grip.
I'd love to.
As much as I would love to build a statue of the entire cast of Countdown, I think someone from Dibley's past who is famous, may be better.
Good idea, Prime Minister.
Calling all brain cells.
Suggestions at the next meeting, please.
-Very good.
Meanwhile, as we all know, we've been experiencing hot weather.
I have taken to sleeping in the nude.
On the village green.
We know, Jim.
As do the police.
Let me remind you once more that there is a hosepipe ban currently in operation.
Vicar.
What? What? My car.
.
, was dirty.
Let me remind you of Luke VII, Verse 11.
"Jesus did say unto his disciples, verily, an unclean Mini Metro is an abomination before the Lord!" Disgraceful behaviour.
So, Why were you hosing your car yesterday father? -Moving on.
At 2 O'clock in the morning? Oh, yes? After filling the pool and sprinkling the crochet lawn.
Actually, she really is a pretty baby, isn't she? Boo! Boo-boo! Villagers are now facing their third day without water.
A company spokesman said drinking water would be bused in.
Here you go, you thirsty thing.
Get a splash of that.
.
Alice, what are you doing? I only get 2 pints of water a day! I know, I know! That's why I'm giving them this.
.
Mum say's it's better than water, she's swears by it, In fact, after a few glasses she can't stop swearing.
.
Actually I'm parched, give us a zip.
Argharr, arr, ah You've makes babyby over there, haven't you? As you know, it's not bad, sort of Vimto ambiance about it.
This water shortage Mm Makes you realise how fragile life is, doesn't it? I mean you allways assume life will go on as it has, then suddenly there's no water.
It's like waking up one morning and finding there's no air.
Well Not really Alice.
If there was no air you wouldn't wake up, would you? Well, Right.
.
You'd sleep right through you know, .
.
until they put it back on again.
I know what you mean about water.
We take these things for granted.
Then suddenly, one day, they're just not there, like O'dear.
.
, like, Des Lynam leaving the BBC! You're still upset about that.
Come here, come on.
That's it.
Well, you know,.
.
I'm over the initial shock.
I accept he'll never present Match Of The Day again, but come on! No Des at Wimbledon, making jokes about Sue Barker's weird haircut? She's gonna get away with that for year after year.
Year after year the Wimbledon final will be presented by the bride of Chuckie! There will be water again Alice, but as for Des - he's gone for ever.
Noel Edmonds has gone too.
Ah.
.
, No more Mr Blobby! No more gunk! Oh, Thanks for that.
You've really cheered me up now.
Do you want a swig? No I dont drink alcohol.
We'll this is Vodka.
Oh.
.
! Here we go.
.
We'll try to keep this meeting short as the smell really is intolerable.
Has one of us actually died and not realised? I like that about a beard - you find bits of dinner in it! I can make a meal last an entire evening.
Deliciousand interesting combinations.
Rhubarb and grilled fish! Sorry I'm late.
I made the mistake of going in my toilet this morning.
It hasn't been flushed for ten days.
I've only just regained consciousness! you'll all be pleased to know that I've have written a very strongly worded letter to the chairman of the water company.
Oh, bravo, mein Fuhrer.
What does it say? Well, hold on to your hat.
"Dear Sir Michael, Dibley has been without water for a fortnight, "which is clearly, well, less than satisfactory.
" Is that it? That's strong stuff to a Knight of the Realm.
Luckily, I've written a strongly worded letter to the chairman.
How strongly worded? Well, You'll see.
"Dear Sir Useless-baboon's-bottom, "I think you should know that down our way, "you're about as popular as Judas Iscariot at a disciple reunion.
" And you think we should send that instead? Mm.
, just as soon I checked if he's a dickhead, Yeah.
Well, I'm afraid you'll be out-voted.
Who thinks that we should resort to, counterproductive, pointless, personal abuse? Absolutely.
Oh.
, Very well.
Be it on your own head.
Moving on.
Any ideas for the millennium statue? Oh, Goody, I've been looking foward to this.
Glorious Dibley in her glorious glory.
Who'll go first? Me.
When you said famous people from Dibley's past, does that include murderers? I'd rather it WASN'T a murderer, if that's all right with you Owen? Right That's my family out then.
My great-great-great-great-great- grandfather was a famous man.
Really, Jim? Oh Yes.
He sailed the seven seas in search of treasure.
Wow! What did he bring back? Typhus! Then there is Elizabeth I, she stayed in an inn, 20 yards and seven inches from where we're sitting right now.
That's Fantastic Frank! You're telling me that the Virgin "I don't think so" Queen here self, actually slept in Dibley? Not exactly.
She got food poisoning and spent the night vomiting.
Oh, That's a lovely theme for a statue, isn't it - - "Queen Elizabeth, the Tudor Chunderer!" So, Carol Vorderman it is then.
Yes either that or we dump the statue entirely and buy 200 bottles of mineral water so we can have a bath.
All in favour? Oh, God, armpits! Down boys.
Mercy me.
Motion carried.
Try not to use the word "motion" or I'll faint again.
Moving on Thank goodness for the Halloween party last year.
I'm down to my last clean outfit.
Yeah.
Me, too.
I'm through my entire wardrobe.
Hugo says you've all decided not to have a statue? Yep.
'Fraid so, Alice.
It doesen't seem to bee anyone in Dibley worth remembering.
Oh.
.
Not even the man who discovered Bali? He lived here.
No.
He discovered Bali last year on holiday, didn't he? Yeah.
That's not quite so interesting.
What about my uncle Trevor, he founded the Sunday Times.
Is that true? Yeah.
I think so.
Great.
No.
Wait a second.
No.
He FOUND the Sunday Times.
That's it! Aunty Perky had lost it and he found it in a guest room.
It's not quite so good, is it? N.
no.
Oh, I can't -I'll get it.
Hi.
Vicarage.
Home to Geri Granger, God's most bodacious babe! Oh, It's the water company.
They got your letter.
Oh.
.
I hope it wasn't too rude.
.
They say you might be interested to know there's anyone ?de-empedorast? Yeah, and they not shure "nobgossler" is a real word.
A man's coming to talk to us tomorrow evening.
Yeah.
.
? About the long-term solution to our problem.
Ahh! Power to the people! Yeah, The vicar's delighted.
She's dancing around.
You shoul see her.
.
It's lovely to see a pumpkin so happy.
First I'm shure we all like to thank Mr Babcock for coming.
And I'm sure Mr Newitt didn't mean to spit at you.
Also, I hope you didn't find the burning effigy of your boss too disconcerting.
Thank you.
We apologise for the water shortage.
As you can see from this model, you live in an area of high population growth.
So traditional water supplies is fast becoming inadequate.
No, no, no, no, I recognise that little house! That's where I had it off this morning! And that's where my gran was murdered.
We hid her body under the floorboards.
If we could just You can still smell her if the wind's in the right direction.
I'm pleased to say that we've found a solution, which shoud insure plentiful water for the next century, in the form of a new reservoir.
Ooooh! Terrific! It's probably easiest to show you what I'm talking about in a simple demonstration.
Oh My God! We're all gonna drown! I'll be sitting at home, watching Scooby-Doo and then suddenly this massive bucket of water is gonna flood the vilage! You can't do that.
We have planning permission and government backing.
The plans have been available for you to look at for months'.
Where? In a cupboard, in a basement, in our Hong Kong office.
Naturally all detailed objections will be considered, provided they're registered bylunchtime today.
-NO! Just you wait, we'll gonna fight you all the way on this.
So be it, dear lady.
Work begins in one month.
And I can assure you, we are very detarmine, and we'll be ready for anything you throw at us.
He wasn't ready for that.
So how's the petition going everyone? We need 10,000 signatures by next week.
Here's a start.
-Right.
.
"Best wishes, Harold Macmillan.
" Not what I had in mind, Hugo.
I've got Benny Hill as well.
No, Hugo.
I need signatures of LIVING people.
No, no, no I've got 500 this afternoon.
That's Fantastic Jim! All opposed to the reservoir? No.
They didn't give a toss for the reservoir.
I asked them to sign if they thought Claudia Schiffer should get her tits out more often! Right.
I see you've managed to sign it ten times, Owen.
It's a cause I feel passionately about.
Vicar, much as I applause you'r efforts, I fear we have to accept the compensation the water company offered us, however derisory that it.
Didn't they offer you £4 million? What? What? Yes.
.
, Well Do you think I'm happy about that? You were dancing around the garden, .
.
Singing.
.
-Hugo.
# Money, money, money Must be funny # You treacherous git! You'd sacrifice this village for your own personal greed.
Have you no respect for tradition? -Well said Owen.
For centuries my family been massacring deer, staging cockfights and gassing foxes in this valley.
And we don't intend stopping now.
Less well said, Owen.
Incidentally, this is what you'd be getting for your farm.
# Who wants to be a millionaire? # I do.
# You're right Dave.
Dibley's a dump.
For Goodness sake Owen, there are people here who don't own their own properties.
You know they won't get any compensation at all -Sod 'em! Now will you sleep with me? I can pay you big time, babe.
I'm not leaving, Vicar.
I've lived in my cottage all my life.
Except for the war, of course I know Frank.
You're a hero.
.
.
When I hid in the woods to avoid the call-up.
Just me and a young farm-hand called Alistair.
No, no, no, no.
Where would we move to anyway? Well I'll tell you exactly.
They want to re-house you 20 miles away, in a new development.
-Twilight Towers-, "Happy housing for the nearly dead".
Acre after acre of soulless boxes.
Look! Central heating! Yeah, and look, an inside toilet! But surely, lads, you don't want Remember Christmas? I was frozen to the loo seat for the whole week! Yes.
I remember that.
I had to wee through your legs! Let's get this right.
After mature consideration, you're all telling me, that you actually want to move? "Soulless box" .
.
here I come.
I see.
Well, I'm sorry.
This is a sad, sad moment.
# Oh, happy day # Oh, happy day # Oh, happy day # Oh, happy day # When Jesus washed # When Jesus washed # He washed my sins away # Oh, happy day # He taught me how # To wash and pray.
# Champagne, Jim? No, no, no, no, no.
Yes, please.
I never say, "No, no, no, no" to a glass of bubbly.
Now-now, Ms Grumpy-cassocks, it's not the end of the world, you know.
Frank says you've got some exciting news.
My guess is Anthea Turner is coming back to Blue Peter.
No, Alice.
.
It's the reservoir it still happening.
But we're all getting loads of money to move.
Oh, nice! So where are they building the new Dibley? No, no There's no new Dibley.
Ooooh.
But we are all moving together? Vicar? I'm afraid not, Alice.
No.
I'll have to go where I'm sent.
It could be the Congo or Staines.
Fingers crossed for the Congo.
But that doesn't sound very nice at all.
Mr Horton, I'll hardly ever see you again.
What's nice about that? Well, from my point of view We won't be able to discuss world affairs each morning.
No.
I'll miss that.
And analyse the stick market.
Stock market.
While you bounce baby Geraldine on your knee.
No.
Still people have always left Dibley, it doesn't mean they lose touch.
My brother said that if they didn't leave Dibley, I'd bore them to death.
You can't bore a person to death Frank.
Patrick Moore tries, but Frank bored his parents to death.
That was never proved.
I just happened to be outlining parish council procedure when, hand-in-hand, they leapt out of the open window.
You know.
.
You're the only people in whole the world that don't find me unutterably boring.
You stuck with me through thick and thin.
Good times and bad times.
Come rainy rain Quit while you're alive, Frank.
To tell the truth, I don't really want to go.
I see What about you, Owen? As far as I can see, the only people who don't want to leave Dibley are sad, lonely losers.
Like you.
That's right.
No, so I'd rather stay.
Oh.
.
Nonsense! I for one certainly won't miss Dibley.
Some people think hell is listening to Celine Dion.
For me, it's having to attend all those ghastly parish council meetings.
Which you've never missed.
Rubbish! 36 years ago, when my wife was in labour with Hugo, did I go to the village hall for a meeting? I did not.
No, no, no, we had the meeting in the maternity ward.
Mrs Horton wanted to name the baby strait away.
But Mr Horton said, "Wait till Any Other Business.
" There was a lot to get through! A community to run.
A village doesn't just go .
.
away, you know.
I was rejected by the first four parishes I was sent to.
The first one wanted a man.
The second wanted a man with a full beard and moustache to be sure.
The third insisted on a full physical examination, just in case a girl slipped thru with a false beard and moustache.
The fourth one wanted a rabbi.
But it was a mix-up with the documents.
And the fifth - a strange little village, the inbreeding capital of the world, accepted me with open arms and became my family.
Aaah Where was that then? Here, Alice, here! Oh, right.
I love this village! Don't ask me why.
Why? Because it's a real country village.
We range from the mildly bizarre to the dangerously odd, Frank.
And because we live side by side, year after year.
And we're happy together.
That's right.
And that's why we must fight to save Dibley! This other Eden What? .
.
demi-paradise, this happy breed of men, this little world, this precious stone set in the silver sea, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this Dibley.
Did you understand that? Not a word.
Very moving speech, Father.
Thank you.
I thought it was the right thing to do.
I'm proud of you.
In fact can I kiss you, Father? I don't think that's necessary.
Just once.
I won't tell anyone.
OK.
- Don't make a habit of it.
Thank you.
So, Let me just get this straight.
You'll donate every penny from your new single to our campaign? That's fantastic! It'll make a HUGE difference.
Thank you so much.
Bye.
Bros.
I've had another superb idea, Vicar.
Dont tell me this one involve hunting water board officials with hi velocity rifles and bloodhounds? No.
This one has an absolute minimum of sickening violence.
Oh, thank God for that! We get Dibley classified as a Site of Natural Environmental Importance.
Allright.
.
How do we do that? We find a species of animal that isn't found anywhere else in the world.
I think that's as likely as finding intellectual life on Ibiza.
# Ooh, ooh, ooh.
# Just where you're wrong, Vicar.
Dibley could be, for instance, the only place on Earth with a genuine three-legged cow.
You've managed to bred a three-legged cow?! I'm very close.
I've got a four-legged cow and a sharp axe.
That's where the small amount of sickening violence comes in.
I see.
Or we could discover a short-nosed badger.
All it would take is a long-nosed badger and a big pair of secateurs.
Yeah, I think I can recognise the pattern that's emerging here.
Or we could quickly breed the world's only genuine sheep dog.
All we need is a sheep, a dog, a romantic candle-lit dinner, and an animal condom shortage.
Owen, bye-bye.
Off you go.
All right, all right.
Just you wait.
I haven't finished with this one.
-Owen.
-Mr Horton.
Where's he off to? He's just trying to mutilate things, as usual.
David, we have got to come up with the most Fantastic, original idea to grab the press's attention.
AAAAAAGH! Oh! Hang on YES, YES!, YES I've just thought of the most fantastic village-saving idea! Good - as long as it isn't a embarrassing publicity stunt.
Like chaining yourself to the church.
No.
You look like an extra in a low-budget remake of a film by Ken Russell.
Well, what are YOU doing for the course? I've written to our MP, Sir.
Patric Pane.
Oh, the famous alcoholic.
-Well Let's face it David, the last time he spoke in the Commons, all he could muster was, "Fagh, hagh, fagh, hagh-ah.
" We need publicity, and we need it now.
Oh, yes!.
.
I can see the world's press just flocking in!.
.
Afternoon, Vicar.
Oh, just you wait.
Just you wait! May the blessing of Our Lord Jesus Christ be with you now and for ever more.
Amen.
# Amen.
# Thank you, vicar.
Most enjoyable.
Welcome, Owen.
Ooh! Could the lady with the big hat go to the back of the queue? Thank you.
Oh, Sid, you've put on some weight! Could the lady with the feather hat come next.
Is that better? Yes, very good.
Oh, great! Right.
.
Good night then, Vicar.
Thanks, Hugo.
"Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts for" No, no, no! .
.
Hugo! ".
.
Anthea Turner!" Hugo! Help! .
.
Oh! Mercy! No-o-o! No-o-o! If you'd like me to take over for a bit, you only have to say the word.
Oh, that's very sweet of you Jim, but, no thank you.
I'm determined to stay till the press get here, even if it's a week.
You wouldn't like just to go to the loo? No, thanks.
She's amazing.
She must have a bladder the size of Lake Titicaca.
Not like me.
My mum only has to go, "Tinkle, tinkle," or, "Ssssssss," or .
.
and I'm absolutely bursting! Sorry, Jim, do you think you COULD take over? You've got a key, haven't you? There we are.
Comfy? Not bad.
I normally have the handcuffs a bit tighter, but this will do.
Sorry, what do you mean, "normally"? Well, I have this Chinese girl Right, got the picture.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! And finally, an unusual demonstration, in the village of Dibley.
At last! People chain themselves to trees and railings.
But what about a church? -YES! I'm here with demonstrator Jim Trott.
NO! Mr Trott, can you tell me why you're chained to the church? No, no Yes Because the Vicar's gone to the toilet.
I do wish he'd tell.
.
! You should talk to her - a wonderful woman.
Lovely arse.
I will kill him! And Dibley's MP, today spoke out in the house of Commons.
"Show me the way to go home," he said, before falling over.
And before we go, we'll look at tomorrow's front pages.
The Star has, "Thou shalt not kill my village," about the vicar who's chained herself to her church.
The Independent is on the same story, "Vicar has big reservations over reservoir.
" And the Sun has its own angle.
"The Sun asks, is the Vicar's arse really lovely" As if we care.
That's all from Newsnight tonight.
We'll be back with more, tomorrow night As the protesters enters it's third week The vicar of Dibley today received crucial backing, from the most important figure in the Church of England - Sir Cliff Richard.
E oggi il Papa ha parlato personalmente e con profonda simpatia per la gente di Dibley.
The protest here, in this little village seems to have struck a chord across the world.
In times of increasing urbanisation, Who will stick up for the small communities, where everybody knows your name? Meanwhile, the world's press continues to flock to this tiny village, and it's remarkable Vicar.
They been joined by representatives from environmental pressure groups and assorted others.
Still here, eh? .
.
Yes! Still standing firm, despite what YOU think.
I think, in the end, it's not a bad idea.
Chain me up, Scottie.
# And you'll never # Walk alone # You'll never # Walk alone.
# Right, your turn next, Frank.
Only six hours to go before dawn, so make it a good 'un.
I've got just the thing.
# One hundred thousand green bottles hanging on the wall # # One hundred thousand green bottles hanging on the wall # # And if one green bottle should accidentally fall # # There'd be ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine green bottles hanging on the wall.
# Here he comes now! Excuse me.
After careful consideration of all the facts, I am instructed to inform you, that the water board has decided to proceed with Dibley Reservoir.
What?! Sorry, sorry, sorry .
.
Has decided NOT to proceed with We wish to point out that this decision has nothing to do with the recent protest.
-Sure.
.
! We have listened very carefully to the the more detailed environmental arguments.
And after the discovery in a farm of a blue-crested, one-legged chicken, we believe the area to be of unique natural importance.
And therefore we'll look for other solutions to the water crisis Thank you very much.
Have you got the key, Hugs? Yeah, yeah -Good Where is it then? I swallowed it for security.
Well, the good news is, Dibley's saved.
Yeah! The bad news is, that Michael Winner wants to make a film about it, with Jim being played by Charles Bronson.
We did have SOME bad times, like when Ant and Dec came to cheer us up, that was pretty rough for everybody.
Oh, I loved that! -Yeah And obviously there isn't a single animal left on Owen's farm with the correct number of legs.
Though I have to say, it's surprising how agile a one-legged pig can be.
But despite that, we won! Yeees! After it was over, I was so excited I made love to a Swedish journalist.
We know, Jim.
We were chained to you at the time.
This is indeed a great day for Dibley, and the right moment to announce, we have decided to have a millennium statue after all, and.
.
, chosen our subject.
-Really?!.
.
We haven't discussed it with you Vicar, but we feel there's only one person it can possibly be.
In fact, everyone I asked gave me the same answer, and that answer was, - a statue of Geraldine.
Well, I don't know what to say.
We just hope, you will Honour us with your presence at the unveiling.
I certainly will.
Is it OK if I bring Anna Gripta along? I should think so.
She says she's got a little surprise for me.
I'm sure It'll only be a couple of minutes.
You look pretty as a picture, young Alice.
Thanks.
A painter did once ask me to pose for him.
Really?! Mmm, with no clothes on.
-No?! Mmm.
Did you do it? Yes.
It was quite exciting.
He was painting our kitchen at the time.
I don't mind admitting I'm feeling a bit nervous.
This sort of thing doesn't happen every day, does it? How do I look? .
.
Gorgeous?, Or Y-front-stretchingly gorgeous? Y-front-stretching till a little bit of winky sticks out-ly gorgeous.
How about me? You look like Michelle Pfeiffer at her most beautiful.
One little thing - do you mind me saying? No.
It's the lipstick.
Too much or too little? Er, not good as blusher.
Do you mind if I? No.
There we are, there.
Thanks.
There.
Now you look babelicious.
.
.
Awe We make the perfect team, I reckon.
Yeah.
Because while you provide the beauty and the brains, I provide thethe, er The rest.
That's it! The rest Exactly.
So come on, let's go, Alice Amazing.
After you, Vicar V Velociraptor.
And so it gives me the greatest pleasure, now that our heroic Vicar has joined us, to unveil the Dibley Millennium Statue.
We'll call it simply "Geraldine".
It's you Yes, it is.
We didn't want to commemorate the past, but look to the future.
What do you think, Vicar? I think it's perfect.
Doesn't look anything like me.
OK.
Nice quick one, OK? All right.
What's brown and sticky? I don't know.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
No, sticks aren't sticky.
Well, they are, because they're sticks, so they are stick-y.
But that's not what "sticky" means.
It means all sticky, you know? Some sticks ARE sticky, cos sap oozes out of them and they get sticky.
So if you say, "What is brown and SOMETIMES sticky?" it might work.
Yeah, but that sort of takes the edge off it, doesn't it? To be honest.
.
, some trees aren't brown either, are they? You might as well get this right.
Otherwise, you'll never get a laugh.
Either you could say, "What is sometimes brown - and sometimes sticky?" and that's a stick, or, "What is sometimes brown but also sometimes greeny grey", "sometimes whitish, and sometimes - in those big American trees - red" Yeah.
You see? So, "What's sometimes red, "sometimes greeny grey, sometimes whitish and sometimes sticky?" Sorry about this, Alice.
I don't care if I go to jail.
Somebody had to do it.
One couple didn't like their new kitchen.
I hate it when that happens.
i't brakes my heart.
Right.
Let's not get distracted.
Item one.
This being millennium year, we need to commemorate it She's dropped her toy, Hugo.
Ahh! No, no, no,no, She is a pretty baby, isn't she? Boo-boo! She's prettier than her father.
You're an ugly bastard, Hugo.
You look like Mother Teresa, only even uglier.
.
Can we get back to the agenda? Absolutely.
We'll take a vote on that.
On what? Jim's proposal that baby Geraldine is a pretty baby.
Don't be ridiculous.
All those in favour? Passed.
Except for Councillor Horton, her grandfather.
You don't think she's pretty? Of course I think she's pretty.
We'll have to vote again! Concentrate, chairman! Oh, Shut up, you arch idiot! -Language, David.
There's a baby present.
I KNOW there a baby present! Moving on.
We're now in the millennium year and we need to commemorate the event with something lasting.
Any ideas? # You're climbing up the step-step # Where the breezes blow Hoo-hoo # Any ideas? Yes, I think we should build something for the youth of the village.
Ah, that is more like it.
What did you have in mind? A ten-screen multiplex cinema with a bowling alley and Burger King.
Our budget is £2,000, Hugo Either that or a statue for the green Oh, Good thinking! .
.
Of someone who means a lot to the village.
Carol Vorderman! On what grounds? Well, I live in the village and she means a lot to me.
Me too.
I'd multiply with her any old time! I'd subtract her underpants any time.
I would divide her Boys! Boys! Boys.
.
, Please.
Get a grip.
I'd love to.
As much as I would love to build a statue of the entire cast of Countdown, I think someone from Dibley's past who is famous, may be better.
Good idea, Prime Minister.
Calling all brain cells.
Suggestions at the next meeting, please.
-Very good.
Meanwhile, as we all know, we've been experiencing hot weather.
I have taken to sleeping in the nude.
On the village green.
We know, Jim.
As do the police.
Let me remind you once more that there is a hosepipe ban currently in operation.
Vicar.
What? What? My car.
.
, was dirty.
Let me remind you of Luke VII, Verse 11.
"Jesus did say unto his disciples, verily, an unclean Mini Metro is an abomination before the Lord!" Disgraceful behaviour.
So, Why were you hosing your car yesterday father? -Moving on.
At 2 O'clock in the morning? Oh, yes? After filling the pool and sprinkling the crochet lawn.
Actually, she really is a pretty baby, isn't she? Boo! Boo-boo! Villagers are now facing their third day without water.
A company spokesman said drinking water would be bused in.
Here you go, you thirsty thing.
Get a splash of that.
.
Alice, what are you doing? I only get 2 pints of water a day! I know, I know! That's why I'm giving them this.
.
Mum say's it's better than water, she's swears by it, In fact, after a few glasses she can't stop swearing.
.
Actually I'm parched, give us a zip.
Argharr, arr, ah You've makes babyby over there, haven't you? As you know, it's not bad, sort of Vimto ambiance about it.
This water shortage Mm Makes you realise how fragile life is, doesn't it? I mean you allways assume life will go on as it has, then suddenly there's no water.
It's like waking up one morning and finding there's no air.
Well Not really Alice.
If there was no air you wouldn't wake up, would you? Well, Right.
.
You'd sleep right through you know, .
.
until they put it back on again.
I know what you mean about water.
We take these things for granted.
Then suddenly, one day, they're just not there, like O'dear.
.
, like, Des Lynam leaving the BBC! You're still upset about that.
Come here, come on.
That's it.
Well, you know,.
.
I'm over the initial shock.
I accept he'll never present Match Of The Day again, but come on! No Des at Wimbledon, making jokes about Sue Barker's weird haircut? She's gonna get away with that for year after year.
Year after year the Wimbledon final will be presented by the bride of Chuckie! There will be water again Alice, but as for Des - he's gone for ever.
Noel Edmonds has gone too.
Ah.
.
, No more Mr Blobby! No more gunk! Oh, Thanks for that.
You've really cheered me up now.
Do you want a swig? No I dont drink alcohol.
We'll this is Vodka.
Oh.
.
! Here we go.
.
We'll try to keep this meeting short as the smell really is intolerable.
Has one of us actually died and not realised? I like that about a beard - you find bits of dinner in it! I can make a meal last an entire evening.
Deliciousand interesting combinations.
Rhubarb and grilled fish! Sorry I'm late.
I made the mistake of going in my toilet this morning.
It hasn't been flushed for ten days.
I've only just regained consciousness! you'll all be pleased to know that I've have written a very strongly worded letter to the chairman of the water company.
Oh, bravo, mein Fuhrer.
What does it say? Well, hold on to your hat.
"Dear Sir Michael, Dibley has been without water for a fortnight, "which is clearly, well, less than satisfactory.
" Is that it? That's strong stuff to a Knight of the Realm.
Luckily, I've written a strongly worded letter to the chairman.
How strongly worded? Well, You'll see.
"Dear Sir Useless-baboon's-bottom, "I think you should know that down our way, "you're about as popular as Judas Iscariot at a disciple reunion.
" And you think we should send that instead? Mm.
, just as soon I checked if he's a dickhead, Yeah.
Well, I'm afraid you'll be out-voted.
Who thinks that we should resort to, counterproductive, pointless, personal abuse? Absolutely.
Oh.
, Very well.
Be it on your own head.
Moving on.
Any ideas for the millennium statue? Oh, Goody, I've been looking foward to this.
Glorious Dibley in her glorious glory.
Who'll go first? Me.
When you said famous people from Dibley's past, does that include murderers? I'd rather it WASN'T a murderer, if that's all right with you Owen? Right That's my family out then.
My great-great-great-great-great- grandfather was a famous man.
Really, Jim? Oh Yes.
He sailed the seven seas in search of treasure.
Wow! What did he bring back? Typhus! Then there is Elizabeth I, she stayed in an inn, 20 yards and seven inches from where we're sitting right now.
That's Fantastic Frank! You're telling me that the Virgin "I don't think so" Queen here self, actually slept in Dibley? Not exactly.
She got food poisoning and spent the night vomiting.
Oh, That's a lovely theme for a statue, isn't it - - "Queen Elizabeth, the Tudor Chunderer!" So, Carol Vorderman it is then.
Yes either that or we dump the statue entirely and buy 200 bottles of mineral water so we can have a bath.
All in favour? Oh, God, armpits! Down boys.
Mercy me.
Motion carried.
Try not to use the word "motion" or I'll faint again.
Moving on Thank goodness for the Halloween party last year.
I'm down to my last clean outfit.
Yeah.
Me, too.
I'm through my entire wardrobe.
Hugo says you've all decided not to have a statue? Yep.
'Fraid so, Alice.
It doesen't seem to bee anyone in Dibley worth remembering.
Oh.
.
Not even the man who discovered Bali? He lived here.
No.
He discovered Bali last year on holiday, didn't he? Yeah.
That's not quite so interesting.
What about my uncle Trevor, he founded the Sunday Times.
Is that true? Yeah.
I think so.
Great.
No.
Wait a second.
No.
He FOUND the Sunday Times.
That's it! Aunty Perky had lost it and he found it in a guest room.
It's not quite so good, is it? N.
no.
Oh, I can't -I'll get it.
Hi.
Vicarage.
Home to Geri Granger, God's most bodacious babe! Oh, It's the water company.
They got your letter.
Oh.
.
I hope it wasn't too rude.
.
They say you might be interested to know there's anyone ?de-empedorast? Yeah, and they not shure "nobgossler" is a real word.
A man's coming to talk to us tomorrow evening.
Yeah.
.
? About the long-term solution to our problem.
Ahh! Power to the people! Yeah, The vicar's delighted.
She's dancing around.
You shoul see her.
.
It's lovely to see a pumpkin so happy.
First I'm shure we all like to thank Mr Babcock for coming.
And I'm sure Mr Newitt didn't mean to spit at you.
Also, I hope you didn't find the burning effigy of your boss too disconcerting.
Thank you.
We apologise for the water shortage.
As you can see from this model, you live in an area of high population growth.
So traditional water supplies is fast becoming inadequate.
No, no, no, no, I recognise that little house! That's where I had it off this morning! And that's where my gran was murdered.
We hid her body under the floorboards.
If we could just You can still smell her if the wind's in the right direction.
I'm pleased to say that we've found a solution, which shoud insure plentiful water for the next century, in the form of a new reservoir.
Ooooh! Terrific! It's probably easiest to show you what I'm talking about in a simple demonstration.
Oh My God! We're all gonna drown! I'll be sitting at home, watching Scooby-Doo and then suddenly this massive bucket of water is gonna flood the vilage! You can't do that.
We have planning permission and government backing.
The plans have been available for you to look at for months'.
Where? In a cupboard, in a basement, in our Hong Kong office.
Naturally all detailed objections will be considered, provided they're registered bylunchtime today.
-NO! Just you wait, we'll gonna fight you all the way on this.
So be it, dear lady.
Work begins in one month.
And I can assure you, we are very detarmine, and we'll be ready for anything you throw at us.
He wasn't ready for that.
So how's the petition going everyone? We need 10,000 signatures by next week.
Here's a start.
-Right.
.
"Best wishes, Harold Macmillan.
" Not what I had in mind, Hugo.
I've got Benny Hill as well.
No, Hugo.
I need signatures of LIVING people.
No, no, no I've got 500 this afternoon.
That's Fantastic Jim! All opposed to the reservoir? No.
They didn't give a toss for the reservoir.
I asked them to sign if they thought Claudia Schiffer should get her tits out more often! Right.
I see you've managed to sign it ten times, Owen.
It's a cause I feel passionately about.
Vicar, much as I applause you'r efforts, I fear we have to accept the compensation the water company offered us, however derisory that it.
Didn't they offer you £4 million? What? What? Yes.
.
, Well Do you think I'm happy about that? You were dancing around the garden, .
.
Singing.
.
-Hugo.
# Money, money, money Must be funny # You treacherous git! You'd sacrifice this village for your own personal greed.
Have you no respect for tradition? -Well said Owen.
For centuries my family been massacring deer, staging cockfights and gassing foxes in this valley.
And we don't intend stopping now.
Less well said, Owen.
Incidentally, this is what you'd be getting for your farm.
# Who wants to be a millionaire? # I do.
# You're right Dave.
Dibley's a dump.
For Goodness sake Owen, there are people here who don't own their own properties.
You know they won't get any compensation at all -Sod 'em! Now will you sleep with me? I can pay you big time, babe.
I'm not leaving, Vicar.
I've lived in my cottage all my life.
Except for the war, of course I know Frank.
You're a hero.
.
.
When I hid in the woods to avoid the call-up.
Just me and a young farm-hand called Alistair.
No, no, no, no.
Where would we move to anyway? Well I'll tell you exactly.
They want to re-house you 20 miles away, in a new development.
-Twilight Towers-, "Happy housing for the nearly dead".
Acre after acre of soulless boxes.
Look! Central heating! Yeah, and look, an inside toilet! But surely, lads, you don't want Remember Christmas? I was frozen to the loo seat for the whole week! Yes.
I remember that.
I had to wee through your legs! Let's get this right.
After mature consideration, you're all telling me, that you actually want to move? "Soulless box" .
.
here I come.
I see.
Well, I'm sorry.
This is a sad, sad moment.
# Oh, happy day # Oh, happy day # Oh, happy day # Oh, happy day # When Jesus washed # When Jesus washed # He washed my sins away # Oh, happy day # He taught me how # To wash and pray.
# Champagne, Jim? No, no, no, no, no.
Yes, please.
I never say, "No, no, no, no" to a glass of bubbly.
Now-now, Ms Grumpy-cassocks, it's not the end of the world, you know.
Frank says you've got some exciting news.
My guess is Anthea Turner is coming back to Blue Peter.
No, Alice.
.
It's the reservoir it still happening.
But we're all getting loads of money to move.
Oh, nice! So where are they building the new Dibley? No, no There's no new Dibley.
Ooooh.
But we are all moving together? Vicar? I'm afraid not, Alice.
No.
I'll have to go where I'm sent.
It could be the Congo or Staines.
Fingers crossed for the Congo.
But that doesn't sound very nice at all.
Mr Horton, I'll hardly ever see you again.
What's nice about that? Well, from my point of view We won't be able to discuss world affairs each morning.
No.
I'll miss that.
And analyse the stick market.
Stock market.
While you bounce baby Geraldine on your knee.
No.
Still people have always left Dibley, it doesn't mean they lose touch.
My brother said that if they didn't leave Dibley, I'd bore them to death.
You can't bore a person to death Frank.
Patrick Moore tries, but Frank bored his parents to death.
That was never proved.
I just happened to be outlining parish council procedure when, hand-in-hand, they leapt out of the open window.
You know.
.
You're the only people in whole the world that don't find me unutterably boring.
You stuck with me through thick and thin.
Good times and bad times.
Come rainy rain Quit while you're alive, Frank.
To tell the truth, I don't really want to go.
I see What about you, Owen? As far as I can see, the only people who don't want to leave Dibley are sad, lonely losers.
Like you.
That's right.
No, so I'd rather stay.
Oh.
.
Nonsense! I for one certainly won't miss Dibley.
Some people think hell is listening to Celine Dion.
For me, it's having to attend all those ghastly parish council meetings.
Which you've never missed.
Rubbish! 36 years ago, when my wife was in labour with Hugo, did I go to the village hall for a meeting? I did not.
No, no, no, we had the meeting in the maternity ward.
Mrs Horton wanted to name the baby strait away.
But Mr Horton said, "Wait till Any Other Business.
" There was a lot to get through! A community to run.
A village doesn't just go .
.
away, you know.
I was rejected by the first four parishes I was sent to.
The first one wanted a man.
The second wanted a man with a full beard and moustache to be sure.
The third insisted on a full physical examination, just in case a girl slipped thru with a false beard and moustache.
The fourth one wanted a rabbi.
But it was a mix-up with the documents.
And the fifth - a strange little village, the inbreeding capital of the world, accepted me with open arms and became my family.
Aaah Where was that then? Here, Alice, here! Oh, right.
I love this village! Don't ask me why.
Why? Because it's a real country village.
We range from the mildly bizarre to the dangerously odd, Frank.
And because we live side by side, year after year.
And we're happy together.
That's right.
And that's why we must fight to save Dibley! This other Eden What? .
.
demi-paradise, this happy breed of men, this little world, this precious stone set in the silver sea, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this Dibley.
Did you understand that? Not a word.
Very moving speech, Father.
Thank you.
I thought it was the right thing to do.
I'm proud of you.
In fact can I kiss you, Father? I don't think that's necessary.
Just once.
I won't tell anyone.
OK.
- Don't make a habit of it.
Thank you.
So, Let me just get this straight.
You'll donate every penny from your new single to our campaign? That's fantastic! It'll make a HUGE difference.
Thank you so much.
Bye.
Bros.
I've had another superb idea, Vicar.
Dont tell me this one involve hunting water board officials with hi velocity rifles and bloodhounds? No.
This one has an absolute minimum of sickening violence.
Oh, thank God for that! We get Dibley classified as a Site of Natural Environmental Importance.
Allright.
.
How do we do that? We find a species of animal that isn't found anywhere else in the world.
I think that's as likely as finding intellectual life on Ibiza.
# Ooh, ooh, ooh.
# Just where you're wrong, Vicar.
Dibley could be, for instance, the only place on Earth with a genuine three-legged cow.
You've managed to bred a three-legged cow?! I'm very close.
I've got a four-legged cow and a sharp axe.
That's where the small amount of sickening violence comes in.
I see.
Or we could discover a short-nosed badger.
All it would take is a long-nosed badger and a big pair of secateurs.
Yeah, I think I can recognise the pattern that's emerging here.
Or we could quickly breed the world's only genuine sheep dog.
All we need is a sheep, a dog, a romantic candle-lit dinner, and an animal condom shortage.
Owen, bye-bye.
Off you go.
All right, all right.
Just you wait.
I haven't finished with this one.
-Owen.
-Mr Horton.
Where's he off to? He's just trying to mutilate things, as usual.
David, we have got to come up with the most Fantastic, original idea to grab the press's attention.
AAAAAAGH! Oh! Hang on YES, YES!, YES I've just thought of the most fantastic village-saving idea! Good - as long as it isn't a embarrassing publicity stunt.
Like chaining yourself to the church.
No.
You look like an extra in a low-budget remake of a film by Ken Russell.
Well, what are YOU doing for the course? I've written to our MP, Sir.
Patric Pane.
Oh, the famous alcoholic.
-Well Let's face it David, the last time he spoke in the Commons, all he could muster was, "Fagh, hagh, fagh, hagh-ah.
" We need publicity, and we need it now.
Oh, yes!.
.
I can see the world's press just flocking in!.
.
Afternoon, Vicar.
Oh, just you wait.
Just you wait! May the blessing of Our Lord Jesus Christ be with you now and for ever more.
Amen.
# Amen.
# Thank you, vicar.
Most enjoyable.
Welcome, Owen.
Ooh! Could the lady with the big hat go to the back of the queue? Thank you.
Oh, Sid, you've put on some weight! Could the lady with the feather hat come next.
Is that better? Yes, very good.
Oh, great! Right.
.
Good night then, Vicar.
Thanks, Hugo.
"Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts for" No, no, no! .
.
Hugo! ".
.
Anthea Turner!" Hugo! Help! .
.
Oh! Mercy! No-o-o! No-o-o! If you'd like me to take over for a bit, you only have to say the word.
Oh, that's very sweet of you Jim, but, no thank you.
I'm determined to stay till the press get here, even if it's a week.
You wouldn't like just to go to the loo? No, thanks.
She's amazing.
She must have a bladder the size of Lake Titicaca.
Not like me.
My mum only has to go, "Tinkle, tinkle," or, "Ssssssss," or .
.
and I'm absolutely bursting! Sorry, Jim, do you think you COULD take over? You've got a key, haven't you? There we are.
Comfy? Not bad.
I normally have the handcuffs a bit tighter, but this will do.
Sorry, what do you mean, "normally"? Well, I have this Chinese girl Right, got the picture.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! And finally, an unusual demonstration, in the village of Dibley.
At last! People chain themselves to trees and railings.
But what about a church? -YES! I'm here with demonstrator Jim Trott.
NO! Mr Trott, can you tell me why you're chained to the church? No, no Yes Because the Vicar's gone to the toilet.
I do wish he'd tell.
.
! You should talk to her - a wonderful woman.
Lovely arse.
I will kill him! And Dibley's MP, today spoke out in the house of Commons.
"Show me the way to go home," he said, before falling over.
And before we go, we'll look at tomorrow's front pages.
The Star has, "Thou shalt not kill my village," about the vicar who's chained herself to her church.
The Independent is on the same story, "Vicar has big reservations over reservoir.
" And the Sun has its own angle.
"The Sun asks, is the Vicar's arse really lovely" As if we care.
That's all from Newsnight tonight.
We'll be back with more, tomorrow night As the protesters enters it's third week The vicar of Dibley today received crucial backing, from the most important figure in the Church of England - Sir Cliff Richard.
E oggi il Papa ha parlato personalmente e con profonda simpatia per la gente di Dibley.
The protest here, in this little village seems to have struck a chord across the world.
In times of increasing urbanisation, Who will stick up for the small communities, where everybody knows your name? Meanwhile, the world's press continues to flock to this tiny village, and it's remarkable Vicar.
They been joined by representatives from environmental pressure groups and assorted others.
Still here, eh? .
.
Yes! Still standing firm, despite what YOU think.
I think, in the end, it's not a bad idea.
Chain me up, Scottie.
# And you'll never # Walk alone # You'll never # Walk alone.
# Right, your turn next, Frank.
Only six hours to go before dawn, so make it a good 'un.
I've got just the thing.
# One hundred thousand green bottles hanging on the wall # # One hundred thousand green bottles hanging on the wall # # And if one green bottle should accidentally fall # # There'd be ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine green bottles hanging on the wall.
# Here he comes now! Excuse me.
After careful consideration of all the facts, I am instructed to inform you, that the water board has decided to proceed with Dibley Reservoir.
What?! Sorry, sorry, sorry .
.
Has decided NOT to proceed with We wish to point out that this decision has nothing to do with the recent protest.
-Sure.
.
! We have listened very carefully to the the more detailed environmental arguments.
And after the discovery in a farm of a blue-crested, one-legged chicken, we believe the area to be of unique natural importance.
And therefore we'll look for other solutions to the water crisis Thank you very much.
Have you got the key, Hugs? Yeah, yeah -Good Where is it then? I swallowed it for security.
Well, the good news is, Dibley's saved.
Yeah! The bad news is, that Michael Winner wants to make a film about it, with Jim being played by Charles Bronson.
We did have SOME bad times, like when Ant and Dec came to cheer us up, that was pretty rough for everybody.
Oh, I loved that! -Yeah And obviously there isn't a single animal left on Owen's farm with the correct number of legs.
Though I have to say, it's surprising how agile a one-legged pig can be.
But despite that, we won! Yeees! After it was over, I was so excited I made love to a Swedish journalist.
We know, Jim.
We were chained to you at the time.
This is indeed a great day for Dibley, and the right moment to announce, we have decided to have a millennium statue after all, and.
.
, chosen our subject.
-Really?!.
.
We haven't discussed it with you Vicar, but we feel there's only one person it can possibly be.
In fact, everyone I asked gave me the same answer, and that answer was, - a statue of Geraldine.
Well, I don't know what to say.
We just hope, you will Honour us with your presence at the unveiling.
I certainly will.
Is it OK if I bring Anna Gripta along? I should think so.
She says she's got a little surprise for me.
I'm sure It'll only be a couple of minutes.
You look pretty as a picture, young Alice.
Thanks.
A painter did once ask me to pose for him.
Really?! Mmm, with no clothes on.
-No?! Mmm.
Did you do it? Yes.
It was quite exciting.
He was painting our kitchen at the time.
I don't mind admitting I'm feeling a bit nervous.
This sort of thing doesn't happen every day, does it? How do I look? .
.
Gorgeous?, Or Y-front-stretchingly gorgeous? Y-front-stretching till a little bit of winky sticks out-ly gorgeous.
How about me? You look like Michelle Pfeiffer at her most beautiful.
One little thing - do you mind me saying? No.
It's the lipstick.
Too much or too little? Er, not good as blusher.
Do you mind if I? No.
There we are, there.
Thanks.
There.
Now you look babelicious.
.
.
Awe We make the perfect team, I reckon.
Yeah.
Because while you provide the beauty and the brains, I provide thethe, er The rest.
That's it! The rest Exactly.
So come on, let's go, Alice Amazing.
After you, Vicar V Velociraptor.
And so it gives me the greatest pleasure, now that our heroic Vicar has joined us, to unveil the Dibley Millennium Statue.
We'll call it simply "Geraldine".
It's you Yes, it is.
We didn't want to commemorate the past, but look to the future.
What do you think, Vicar? I think it's perfect.
Doesn't look anything like me.
OK.
Nice quick one, OK? All right.
What's brown and sticky? I don't know.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
No, sticks aren't sticky.
Well, they are, because they're sticks, so they are stick-y.
But that's not what "sticky" means.
It means all sticky, you know? Some sticks ARE sticky, cos sap oozes out of them and they get sticky.
So if you say, "What is brown and SOMETIMES sticky?" it might work.
Yeah, but that sort of takes the edge off it, doesn't it? To be honest.
.
, some trees aren't brown either, are they? You might as well get this right.
Otherwise, you'll never get a laugh.
Either you could say, "What is sometimes brown - and sometimes sticky?" and that's a stick, or, "What is sometimes brown but also sometimes greeny grey", "sometimes whitish, and sometimes - in those big American trees - red" Yeah.
You see? So, "What's sometimes red, "sometimes greeny grey, sometimes whitish and sometimes sticky?" Sorry about this, Alice.
I don't care if I go to jail.
Somebody had to do it.