The Walshes (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

Doctor Burger

1 You better roll the dice cos after all you can never tell.
This could be your lucky day.
But if you don't play the game you'll never know.
You'll never know.
BANGING ON DOOR.
What's the door closed for? This door is closed.
Who's in here? Ciara! Ma, I'm in the bath! The door's locked.
Are you alright? Ciara! Yes, I'm alright.
No Ma.
Please just leave me alone! Hold God.
Are you alright? Is the light broken? No, it's working.
Mam, I want the light off.
Why do you want the light off when you're having a bath? You'll drown.
I won't drown Ma.
I'm not a puppy.
I want your opinion on something.
Oh leave me alone.
Shut up.
Everyone's got a bum.
Taste the gravy.
No! Go on.
No.
Ma, I'm trying to pretend I'm in Thailand.
Does it need more hot water or more granules? Go away.
Not for you.
Any joy there Martin? What's wrong with it Carmel? What's right with it.
Turns itself off at the drop of a hat, keeps trying to electrocute me, makes the milk warm.
I hear conversations coming from that in the middle of the night.
Conversations? Like uma-lama-na-na.
Sounds like a pub in there.
It's just a demented fridge.
How are you doing there sexy? Fine.
I was talking to Martin! Very well, thanks Tony.
I was only messing.
I know.
I was only messing.
Go away.
Go away from me.
In future would you be able to sweat a bit more evenly? It's all on the collar.
Boil wash does nothing.
You've nothing to wear tonight.
What's tonight? You know what's tonight.
That's tonight? Yes.
They'll be gone by nine, won't they? I don't know.
I want a good long hard look at him.
I saw that.
It's nothing.
Will you make a doctor's appointment? That's a great idea Carmel.
Have you got 65 euro please? Just give Dr.
Cusack a call.
Dr.
Cusack has freezing hands and he always gets you to wait for more than an hour.
Know why? Cos he charges for parking.
It's a 5 minute walk down the road.
You try walking with this thing.
You can't keep avoiding the issue.
I'm picking Rory up from work.
You have to get that bottom looked at.
Stop talking about it in front of Martin.
Yes Tony? HONKS HORN.
Locking up.
Fair play to you.
They have you practically running that place now.
Yeah.
Come on then.
I'm only codding you.
Hop in.
That's brilliant.
Get in if you're getting in.
I'm trying Da! What are you making gravy for anyway Ma? Graham's just popping his head in.
We're going out for dinner.
I know.
Why is this always here? For drying the shoes.
How are you? How are the nerves? Are you going mental with them? I know I would be.
I know if my boyfriend was popping round for the first time I'd be going mental now.
Actually I am a bit worried about the impression Graham might get.
God yes.
With those two eejits, we need to watch them like hawks.
We wouldn't want them doing anything that might show us up.
What is that up my nose? Oh no, I know what that is.
Da, what would you prefer? Not being able to go to the toilet for the rest of your life or only being able to go to the toilet for the rest of your life? Tough one Rory.
Only being able to go to the toilet for the rest of my life.
I agree.
Definitely, 100%.
Reasons? First of all constant relief.
Never turn your nose up at constant relief.
Don't be engaging in any conversations with Ciara's fella.
I need them gone by nine.
Why? There's something on the telly I want to watch.
A think about The Goose.
The what? The Goose.
John Gander.
Crime boss.
The most dangerous man in Dublin.
I heard about him.
I heard he got shot in the face and now his left eyeball's made of Waterford crystal.
There's many a wild rumour about The Goose.
It was his right eye.
So what do you know about this fella anyway? Just that eyeball thing.
No, Ciara's fella.
Oh.
His name's Graham Gill and he's a doctor.
How'd you find that out? I read her texts.
Doctor.
That's a step up.
Six nuggets! He's always talking about how he wants to examine her.
He must be rolling in it if he can do her for free.
Rory, this isn't our house.
This must be where Cindy Crawford and Pamela Anderson live.
Sorry ladies, we'll let you get on with your tea.
Da, it's Ma and Ciara.
Alright you two.
Listen up.
Eyes and ears.
Ciara had something that she wanted to say.
Now Ciara, nice loud voice.
Again Ma, this is for everyone.
Everyone do you hear that? That means you two.
When Graham's here if the conversation starts drifting into a dangerous area, I'll say something.
.
What do you mean? I'm trying to tell you Da.
Something like a code or.
.
A code.
A safety word.
I think that's what Ciara's trying to say.
Something to calm things down if it gets a bit hot and heavy.
I'll say something like it's been very mild recently.
That's very clever because it hasn't been mild.
It's actually been very close.
That'll alert us that something's going on.
Hasn't been that close Carmel.
It has.
That thing on your bottom only comes out when it's close.
What's this? It's a list of rude words.
Look Da! No, those are the words you're not allowed to talk about.
Me and Ciara wrote it up.
But these are all the good words.
Can we not just all be ourselves? No.
No! This is exactly what we don't want.
You two eejits being yourselves.
Just to say again Ma, this is for everyone.
Do you hear that you two? I've literally nothing left to say now.
Rory! Ciara, may I add a word to that list please? What? Fart.
I hate it.
I detest the word fart.
It's on there.
No it isn't.
It's under snot, look.
Crack, snot, fart.
I'm very sorry.
Sorry.
What will I say instead of fart? There's only one word for fart.
How about don't talk about farts.
That's hardly realistic Ciara.
What if someone does one? Maybe for tonight you could just try to hold them in.
Depends on what's for dinner.
(ALL TALK AT ONCE).
That was our fault now.
That should work out fine.
Thanks Martin.
I'll.
.
Bye.
Good one Mr.
Walsh.
Mrs.
Walsh, how are you? You look beautiful.
Nice.
Very nice Mrs.
Walsh.
DOG BARKS.
.
Takes you back, what.
Huh? I was a wreck meeting Brendan and Teresa for the first time.
That was a bit different Tony.
How? Because we had to tell them I was pregnant.
Oh yeah.
Oh Tony.
She's not pregnant.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
Tony, is that why we didn't spend more time at my parents house? Because of Dad chasing you down the road like that.
Nah, it's just the way it goes.
Couples end up spending their time with one side of the family.
The best family wins.
Rory told me yer man's a doctor.
Where's that pen? Is that pen gone for a walk again Carmel? It's in the living room.
Ah there it is.
Are you watching this thing tonight Martin? What, yer man coming over? What? Carmel said Ciara has someone coming over.
No.
How would you watch that? The thing about The Goose.
David Attenburgh thing? No, the crime boss fella.
And he's coming over? No Martin, it's on television.
Is he upstairs? Who? Is it a hidden camera thing? No, we're getting our wires crossed here.
It's a television programme on television about The Goose.
He's not a bird, he's a man.
A criminal.
He's got an eye made of Waterford crystal.
That sounds worth watching alright.
How long has he been seeing Ciara? DOORBELL.
The door! Everybody stay calm! Let's have a bit of craic with this fella.
I wouldn't mess with people like that Tony.
(LAUGHING) Hello Mr.
Walsh.
I'm Graham.
I'm Ciara's friend.
Ah Graham, come on in.
You're very welcome.
Thank you.
Hello.
I'm Tony.
Ciara's da.
This is my life partner, Martin.
Ciara's other da.
Oh.
Hello.
Ciara told you we were a pair of those, didn't she? She didn't mention that, no.
I love Martin with all my heart.
Thanks very much Tony.
You don't have a problem with gay stuff, do you Graham? No.
Good.
Martin, why don't you tell Graham how we first met? I live down the road and I came round to borrow.
.
I can't remember what it was.
We got talking and Tony found out I was very good with my hands.
It just took off from there.
It was a whisk.
That's right and he whisked me off my feet.
Come here gorgeous.
Tony, will you stop that! I'm only messing! Well now.
You must be Graham.
Hello Mrs.
Walsh.
You look ravishing.
One tries her best.
These are for you.
Well now, aren't you the gentleman.
And you're as good-looking.
Do you know who you remind me of? A young Liam Neeson.
But with a much higher hairline.
God, look what's left of the hair.
It is so fine.
You can barely feel that it's so fine.
Tony, that is softer than it looks.
Feel that.
I won't.
Martin? It is very soft actually.
It's gorgeous.
Thanks for that.
Well, better be hitting the road.
Tony, she's not responding to me at all.
Go up and give it a go.
I'll give it a go but no promises.
Ciara's just a little bit under the weather.
She's fine.
She'll be down in a second.
Okay.
Just a word of warning.
Ciara can be a little tricky when it comes to her monthly visitor.
She's fine during, it's just the 3 week lead up can be a bit tense.
I think I might have made her worse.
Yep.
Suppose you'll want a tour of the house then.
Oh.
.
Yeah? Yeah.
Radiator there.
Phone.
There's a picture of my old ancestors back on the wild west.
Only messing, it's us in a shopping centre years ago.
Look at Rory.
He loved it.
Kept begging us to bring him back.
Gave in eventually.
Is that what you're wearing? Jesus! Jacks there, in case you need to.
.
Jaysus.
Master bedroom.
Try that.
No, get on.
Oh no, I'm okay Mr.
Walsh.
Go on.
I better not.
My jacket's probably a bit grubby.
Then take it off.
Okay.
Come on.
Lie down.
It's very nice.
Soft isn't it.
Yeah, it's very soft.
Carmel likes her side of the bed to be soft.
I like my side of the bed to be hard so I bought two mattresses, chopped them in half and stuck them together.
Soft, hard.
Soft, hard.
Soft, hard.
Soft, hard.
You don't believe me, do you? I do.
Try my side.
No, I'm okay.
Come on, then, roly poly.
Yeah.
This is actually a bit harder.
Yeah.
Ciara's room.
She likes to pretend she doesn't live with us so we just stuck a flat number on her door.
Leave the post outside.
Seems to do the job.
Did you bring your gas marks with you? It's time to put 'em on.
We're going in.
I didn't know Ciara had a younger brother.
She doesn't.
I'm 25.
Oh hello.
Is this him? Yeah.
I'll see what's keeping the girls.
What do you think of my space? Yeah, it's very nice.
Are you going out with Ciara? Suppose so.
Well don't mess her about.
Cos the last fella that messed her about, let's just say he's not around any more.
What happened to him? His da got a job in Cork and the whole family moved.
It's a pity cos he was actually pretty sound.
Dad, get out! Ma, I can't wear mustard.
It makes me look like Big Bird.
The big bird problem is what we're trying to address here.
If you just wear my mustard blouse it'll make you look less chunky.
They'll be ages which is good news for us.
Because I saved the best till last.
Now Graham, you're about to enter the inner sanctum.
Will Ciara be coming down soon? No girls allowed.
We are entering boyzone.
From Xanadu did Peter Pan a pleasure dome erect.
Oscar Wilde.
Cheeky beer, yeah? Yeah.
Energy drink for Rory.
There we go.
Beer! Beer.
Ah yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See that unit Graham.
Guess how much I paid for that.
Oh.
I don't know.
Fifty.
.
Fo.
.
Try zero.
Try zero Graham.
Cobbled it together from some shite I found in a skip.
Literally.
Da is amazing at DIY.
He built me a chill-out zone in the back garden.
It's up a tree so I can read magazines and watch the sun set.
Like a treehouse.
No! Are those lungs Mr.
Walsh? Lungs! They're my old boxing gloves.
Did you used to box? Yeah so you better watch yourself.
Jesus, sorry Graham.
Da, you're after punching him in the face! He moved into the impact zone.
That's what happened.
But you're alright? Yeah, I'm alright.
Rory, I was hoping to have a quiet word with Graham.
Can I listen? No.
Please Da.
Tell you what, do us a favour.
Run into you mother and ask her for a long stand.
No Da.
She never knows where that it is.
She does.
Just ask her.
She's always ages looking for it and then she can never find it.
Starting to think we don't even have one.
Good lad.
Well, here we are.
Yes.
Graham, this is a bit embarrassing.
Yes? I have a small.
.
I don't know what you'd call it.
An anal event.
Sorry.
A what? It's like a rubbery M&M directly behind my scrotum.
I'm a bit strapped for cash at the moment so I can't afford to pay you.
For.
.
for for for what? You know.
I really don't.
I just want you to take a look at it.
Lighting's not idea so let's just make the best of it.
Here we go.
Ciara! Will you slow down lads.
The food's not running away anywhere.
You're after springing this roast on us.
You know there's a thing on I want to watch.
I thought we were going for dinner.
We are.
What are you eating for? I don't know.
Graham, what happened to your face? Oh nothing.
I walked into a door.
Are you enjoying that now Graham? Is that up your street? Is that ticking your box? Yes.
Cos this is just the start.
I can make roasts, I can make cakes.
I can make a savage fruit salad.
I can do things for you Graham.
I can blow your mind.
It's been very mild recently, hasn't it Mam.
Are you mad, it's been awful close.
I know I can make you happy.
Just give me a chance.
Stop talking Ma.
Stop talking the whole time.
Get down you.
Why do you always come up when we have guests over? He wants me to stroke him.
That's hardly appropriate.
I'm not touching your head.
Not at the dinner table.
Any gravy there Carmel? Chicken's a bit dry Ma.
There's some beside Graham.
Oh, you mean this? Did you use it all? I thought it was a drink.
A drink? I thought it was a beef drink.
A beef drink.
Is there even such a thing as a beef drink? I've never seen gravy in a mug before.
But did you like it? I'm going to my room so when you're finished dinner maybe we can go for dinner.
So Graham, how's work going? Oh, okay.
A bit stressful at the moment though.
Long hours.
You poor thing.
It's not all glamour, is it? Do you have to work late often? Mostly yeah.
Night shifts are the worst.
Get a lot of drunks in.
Gotcha.
I know how that one goes.
They go out, get boozed off their boxes, start a rumpus and then it's over to you lot to get fixed up.
Yeah.
I just think you do such important work.
I just want to take this opportunity to say thank you.
People don't say it often enough to you guys.
Oh, no.
I suppose it is sort of important work.
Thank you Mrs.
Walsh.
Really appreciate that.
Yep, taxi game is the exact same.
Nothing but boozed up eejits, wandering out onto the roads at the weekend.
To be honest with you, I'm getting a little bit tired of hitting the brakes.
Tony! Don't worry.
If I clip anyone Graham can patch them up.
Do you think I'm a doctor? What? Do you think I'm a doctor? Yeah.
Aren't you? I work in a burger restaurant.
As a doctor? I better go check on her majesty.
I never would've shown it to you if I'd known you weren't qualified.
Have you no qualifications at all? I studied English.
English! Let's just forget about it.
I don't want to think about it or talk about it ever again.
Starting from now.
Talk about what? I showed him that thing on my arse.
Why? I thought he was a.
.
I don't want to talk about it.
Did you see any films at the shop? I saw the new Fast & Furious.
It's not very fast but it's fairly furious.
That sounds good.
Rory works at Future Video.
Future Video? Yeah, he's practically running the place.
Future Video closed months ago.
What? Yeah, it went under.
No, cos I've been collecting him from work.
For Jaysus sake! KNOCK.
Ciara.
Ciara, are you alright? Can I come in? You're just going to anyway.
We'll leave the chain on, okay.
Mam, this isn't working.
None of this is working.
I need my own home.
I need my own flat, my own space.
I can't breathe here.
But you haven't got a job, love.
You need a job.
I just wanted everything to be perfect.
Ah Ciara, nothing's ever perfect.
I think Da punched Graham in the face.
Yeah and I think he also showed him the anal event but that's not the point.
The point is that lad is still downstairs.
It does not surprise me one bit because I've been lucky enough now to know you for 23 years so I know what I say.
You're the most wonderful girl in the world.
Any lad with half a brain would happily sit through 100 million billion awkward, uncomfortable, occasionally violent evenings like this evening, just to get to spend a bit of time with you.
Why didn't you just tell us Rory? I don't know.
I've been collecting you for over a month.
You're always going on about scroungers and layabouts.
Just didn't want to let you down.
Rory, you could never let me down.
Don't be listening to me anyway.
I'm just an eejit.
No you're not.
I am.
Sure I showed Professor Burger here the thing on my arse.
I just like shouting at the radio.
So what have you been doing the last few weeks anyway? Practicing my high kicks.
At least you haven't been wasting your time.
Hey.
What have you got? Give me that.
Are these yours? Well Graham, I'm afraid that's us.
Warts and all.
Carmel, shut up about warts.
One minute Da.
The Goose is on in one minute.
Come on, leave! I hope you come back but if you prefer to spend most of your time with Graham's mam and dad, I'd understand.
30 seconds! Actually Mrs.
Walsh.
My mam passed away.
Dad now lives in France.
That's awful.
With his new wife.
We don't really get on.
That is absolutely fantastic! Okay Mam.
Okay Mam.
Don't make me get the hose.
Sorry.
Go on.
Have your dinner.
We'll see you later.
Have a good time guys.
Enjoy.
It's time for The Goose.
BOTH: The most dangerous man in Dublin.
What's wrong with it? It's not working.
Why? I don't know.
Press source and it'll cycle onto the channels.
Thanks Martin.
Well I better be off.
Da, this is about gooses.
Are they for me? They were.
Sorry.
What are you sorry for? They're perfect.
That could've gone an awful lot worse.
I kind of feel like I've got a rapport with your dad now, hopefully.
It's good to get that sort of stuff out of the way early on.
: Tracey Carr, RTE 2014.