The Walshes (2014) s01e03 Episode Script
Limbo
1 You better toss a coin into the old wishing well.
You'd better roll the dice cos after all, you can never tell.
This could be your lucky day but if you don't play the game you'll never know.
You'll never know.
Rory, would you come on! Ma, I have it here for you.
Thanks Ciara.
Rory, hurry up! Are yous waiting? Yes! I have something for you.
There we go.
It's perfect.
Now this means you're the king of the dinner.
It's a family tradition.
Different one of us every time.
This time it's you.
Oh, right.
Jaysus sake.
Rory! I'm coming! Useless, would you get in the kitchen.
Lovely Graham.
Did you bring a hat for all of us? What? No.
Well as long as you brought one for yourself.
Where are yis off to Carmel? The Thai Bride, Martin.
Oh lovely.
Where's Martin? He's in the wall there, looking for the source of that smell.
Are you in the hall wall? I think so! That smell is driving me mad.
I'm used to it.
I like it.
Are you off your rocker? What? You're not going to make a show of us in that get up.
You look like you're going to steal a horse and swap it for heroin.
Get back up those stairs, put something decent on.
It's like this every time we go out.
What's the occasion? Why are we going out for dinner? I can't tell you.
It's actually too stupid.
Any luck yet Martin? The only thing I can say for sure is that it's not not coming from inside the walls.
Okay, well that's something I suppose.
I'm surprised anyone can fit in one of those walls.
It' a bit tight and you know me.
I have terrible claustrophobia.
It's not as bad as it could be because there's no insulation.
Don't believe in insulation Martin.
It's a scam.
Made up by the government to steal money off the working man.
Just like VAT and stamps.
You're going to love this place Graham.
You know that country, Thailand.
Yeah.
The food's from there.
Right.
And is it really called The Thai Bride? It's the most authentic Thai food I think I've ever had.
But they'll do you a burger if you want one.
What's the occasion? Did Ciara not tell you? No.
15 years ago myself and Carmel were just walking past The Thai Bride.
Just walking past.
We thought let's just go in and have dinner.
Just like that.
Just like that.
We didn't even plan it.
We just did it.
Totally spontaneous.
So now ever year we go back on the same day to The Thai Bride and have dinner.
It's a sort of a celebration of spontaneity.
It's like a celebration of that mad spirit that us Walshes have.
And do yis ever go anywhere else? God no.
Has to be The Thai Bride.
Graham, wait till you meet Lee.
He's our waiter.
He is such fun.
He is such jizzy craic.
He is just jizz personified.
And his name isn't even Lee.
God no.
You'd be all day trying to say his real name.
Graham, wait till you meet him.
He'll have you in stitches.
He does an impersonation of the chef.
MAM! I swear to God.
Do not finish that impression.
You're right.
I wouldn't do it justice.
You'll have to see for yourself.
What is the hat for? I'm king of the dinner.
You're what? Now remember, this meal is on me.
BOTH: Your money's no good tonight.
That's 8 times.
He did 2 when you were upstairs.
No, no.
Don't mind.
It's my treat.
This is for your benefit.
It's very kind of you Mr.
Walsh.
Thank you very much.
Have a good long look at that menu and decide what you want before we get there.
I know exactly what I'm getting.
Carmel fried rice, Lee calls it.
He says.
.
Ma! She's right.
I wouldn't do it any justice.
Choose whatever you like.
Although I will say the early bird half price special is mwuah.
Here we go.
No, no.
They save all the best stuff for the early bird.
But order whatever you want.
It's on me.
Your money's no good tonight.
11! We want to get a wriggle on if we want to make the early bird everyone's so keen on.
Rory, hurry up! Ah for Jaysus sake.
What in God's name is that? What? What are you wearing? Is it no good? No.
It's no good.
Where did you get it? I found it.
You found it? You found a suit? Ah Rory, don't be wearing suits you found.
Back upstairs Boardwalk Empire.
Get it off you.
Tony.
Don't be at it.
I'm not at it.
Anything in the post this morning or? Nothing yet, no.
No news is good news.
Tony had a biopsy done on his.
.
You know.
The little fella that took up residence around the Rose of Tralee.
His anal companion, shall we say.
I got a bit worried there when it changed colour.
What colour was it when you saw it Graham? I don't know.
Grey-ish I suppose.
Grey! It wasn't grey.
No, no.
It was red.
In fact I found the exact shade of red that it actually was.
I have it here on a Dulux chart.
Can we stop talking about this please? Carmen Miranda.
But then it went sort of a summer blush.
It wasn't summer blush.
It was African adventure if it was anything.
How do you know? I had a look.
How? How do you think? With a mirror.
Which mirror? The white one beside the bed.
My mother gave me that mirror.
I like to pretend that she's looking at me through it.
Oh my God! Oh I'll have to boil it now or something.
Ah you won't.
I only used it to look.
Oh my poor mother.
Expecting to see me and instead getting an African adventure.
What are you doing? Putting on the telly.
Don't be putting on the telly.
Why not? Cos we're going out.
But we're not.
We're just sitting here.
That's a staying in thing.
You can't be doing a staying in thing when we're going out.
But we're not going out.
We are.
We just.
.
What if one of the neighbours sees us? They'll think we get dressed up to watch the television.
We'll be the talk of the close.
No.
We're not doing anything.
We are sitting here and waiting.
Until we can go out and enjoy our celebration of spontaneity.
Rory, are you nearly ready? Ah Rory! What? Come on and get dressed.
We're waiting for you.
Yeah, okay.
God, my poor mother.
You don't want that as part of your eternal reward, do you! No.
You don't.
What do you think happens to us when we die Graham? Well actually Mrs.
Walsh, I don't think anything happens.
What do you mean? I think it just stops.
It just stops? Yeah.
What, you die and that's it? Yeah.
Well that's something to look forward to.
I don't think! Ma thinks when you die that's when it all starts happening.
Don't you Ma.
Too right I do.
I can't wait to die.
Imagine not looking forward to dying.
I feel sorry for you.
Ma.
You don't agree with him, do you? No, no.
I'm with you.
Looking forward to it.
Don't go sharing any of your mad opinions with Rory.
Ah.
Lovebirds.
A pair of lovely lovebirds.
Checking each other for.
.
parasites.
That's lovely Mam.
Thanks.
It was on David Attenborough.
One bird sits there proud as you like, while the other digs at it with its beak.
Removing fleas and microscopic ticks.
So very loving but at the same time clever because you know, that's dinner sorted.
When your father had hair I used to find all sorts of things in there.
I wouldn't eat any of it though.
Grooming.
That's what they call it.
I was grooming him and now Graham is grooming you.
Is he not down yet? We might not get our table.
We get the same table every year.
Down the back.
Handiest for the toilets.
Look everyone.
Look what I found in my suit.
We can look at it at dinner.
No Da, look.
What the.
.
Who's your friend? I don't know.
I found it in my suit.
What do you think it is? It's a cat and a man sitting with a big rabbit.
Why though? Why is there a cat and a man and a big rabbit? I don't get it.
Let me see it again.
What's going on? The cat's sitting like he's a person.
Why? I don't get it.
Why don't you phone up your friend and ask him? I don't know him Ma.
Why do you have a photo of a man you don't know? I think that's madder than the photo itself.
Graham, you'll know.
What does it mean? Right.
I think this must be the Easter Bunny.
Maybe the person who owned your suit before you was American.
They might visit the Easter Bunny in America.
Around Easter time.
And so, do they tell the bunny what Easter egg they want? I don't know.
It's a cat though.
Do cats get Easter eggs in America then? I'm not sure.
See, he doesn't have all the answers.
We can figure it out over dinner.
Let's go.
Martin! Will you turn the lights off when you're finished? Alright Tony! What Carmel? Just one second.
It's Mrs.
Lydon.
She's coming out of her house.
Let her leave first.
Why? Just ssh! I told her I'd go to Weightwatcher with her.
I don't want to go.
I don't need Weightwatchers.
She's the one who sat on her cat and nearly killed it.
She's coming over here.
Quick, hit the lights.
Graham, hit the friggin' lights! Hide! For the love of God.
Quiet.
KNOCK ON DOOR.
No-one move.
I bet you anything we don't get out of here tonight.
Do you realise something? What? We've never had an argument.
Yeah.
I suppose not.
That's cos you're perfect.
No I'm not.
You are.
You're a perfect girl.
There must be one thing wrong with me.
No.
Really, there isn't.
Carmel.
Hello Carmel.
Carmel, are you in? Sick of hiding from this woman.
Are you alright? What? God Rory.
You're white as a sheet.
Go on.
What's the one thing you'd say if you had to say something that was wrong with me? I wouldn't say anything.
Okay.
Okay.
Well what if a Nazi had a gun to your head? No, to my head and he said he'd kill me if you didn't say one thing that was wrong with me.
I still wouldn't say anything.
He's got a gun Graham.
He's going to kill me.
Is she gone? Maybe he's one of those nice Nazis who didn't want to join in with everything.
No, he wants to join in.
God, I'm getting kind of scared Graham.
He's really scary and I can feel the gun against my head.
Okay, okay.
Alright.
Maybe sometimes you can be a little.
.
A little mind.
.
He's going to pull the trigger.
A little tiny small bit lazy.
Ciara.
Ciara.
There.
She's gone back inside.
Let's go before she comes back with a warrant.
Where's she off to? Ciara.
Please come out.
We really have to go.
Lazy.
You called her lazy! But she.
.
And we were just about to go out.
It was a Nazi.
What? She said a Nazi would kill her unless I told her what was wrong with her.
Graham, Graham.
That's the oldest trick in the book.
Any situation like that you let the Nazi take her out.
What did you say to her? He called her lazy.
Are you mentalist? We are this close to leaving and you start flinging insults around.
Just stay here.
Feckin' nut job.
You think you have life figured out, then something like this happens.
What? What is this? What is he doing? Taking a cat to see the Easter Bunny? It doesn't make any sense.
Nothing makes any sense.
I'm scared of opening it.
I'm scared of not opening it.
Look, I know I don't usually turn to You for advice but obviously I'm desperate.
Unfortunately Tony, I can't help.
This is something you're going to have to sort out for yourself.
There's a rat-like thing in here Tony.
I wonder is that where the smell is coming from.
Oh no, it's alive.
It's coming towards me! Are you alright Martin? No! Agh! Go away.
Go away! Rory, put that Easter Bunny, catman, baldy fella down for a second.
I want to talk to you about some thing.
Yeah? Listen, I'm not going to be around forever.
Yeah, we're going out.
No.
I'm not going to be around forever.
You're going out? Can I come? No.
Stop looking at that thing.
Are you going to a film? No.
My point is, I'm not going to be around here forever.
Strollinstown? Are we moving? No, we're not moving.
I'm talking about me.
You're moving? Are you and Ma splitting up? No.
Then why are you moving? I'm not moving.
Look Rory, I'm talking about the inevitable.
The inevitable? Is that the name of the film? Are you going to a film? No! Can I come? Graham, I'm not going to be around forever.
Okay.
Do you remember when your ma died? Yes.
Well, what kind of funeral did she have? Well it was pretty traditional.
She was cremated though.
Incinerated, yeah.
Well cremated.
When I die I'd like the full taxi-man procession all the way down the bus lane to the church.
But I wouldn't want a fuss.
Why bother? What? What's the point in funerals? What's the point in anything? Right, crisis over.
She's just sorting her make-up.
What are you on about? What if there's no heaven? What if there's just nothing? What if nothing means anything? I told you to stay away from him.
I didn't say anything to him.
Did you get changed again? What are you wearing? You look like one of those emus.
Emos.
Whatever.
You look daft.
Rory.
Did you hear about this new film about constipation? No.
That's because it hasn't come out yet.
Normally Da, I would never stop laughing at that joke.
Because I think it's the funniest joke I've ever heard.
But today, I'm just not in the mood.
This is all his fault.
Richard Dawkins here.
Do you really not believe in heaven? Please, I don't.
.
Do you want to know what I think heaven's like? Driving down Route 66 in an old Chevy convertible, with Carmel in the back cooking a fry.
Excuse me Tony.
I'm not spending eternity cooking you breakfast in a car.
You can forget about that now.
Hi Ciara.
Hello.
Right, that's us.
At last.
We'll just make the early bird if we leave right now.
Where's Rory? Rory! I'm here! Where? In the wall! What are you doing in there? Showing Martin the photo.
Rory Walsh.
Get out of that wall.
We're going for dinner.
I'm not hungry.
You're what? What did he say? Rory said he's not hungry.
What? Rory said what? Rory said he's not hungry.
We're running a few minutes late so.
.
We all know what we want so can we order now? Brilliant.
Can I have five early birds please.
What?! But we're ordering it now.
I wouldn't have said anything if the Nazi hadn't been.
.
He was going to kill you Ciara.
Yeah.
I had to say something.
I was just trying to stall for time.
I didn't know what he was capable of.
Lazy though.
Why did you have to say lazy? I didn't know what I was saying.
People aren't themselves under occupation.
So you'd just do whatever the Nazis told you to do? No.
No, I'd resist.
I'd be with the resistance but you have to choose your moments.
I don't know Graham.
Ciara, this is our lives.
We can't play games with our lives.
These people are dangerous.
What people? Imaginary Nazis.
No, no.
We can't reschedule till tomorrow.
Today is the day we have the celebration of spontaneity.
The celebration of spontaneity.
Well is there anyone there who speaks English? Then put her on.
So now I'm a Nazi? Look how easily you went along with everything.
Calling me lazy.
That's exactly what happened with Poland.
You can't compare me calling you lazy to the invasion of Poland.
All it takes for evil men to succeed is for good men to do nothing.
And you did nothing except call me lazy.
I didn't think.
I thought lazy would be better than, I don't know, rude.
Rude! You think I'm rude? I don't think you're rude.
I think you're lovely.
Where did rude come from? I don't know Ciara.
I'm just pulling these out of my bum.
What's this light doing off?! Couldn't get the early bird.
I don't think I'm in the mood now anyway.
What's the point in being in the mood for things? I'll tell yis.
I've been listening to yis all night.
The only thing I'd be scare of when I die is to go that place, limbo.
Heaven would be great obviously.
That's a given.
Even hell, you'd meet some interesting people.
But limbo.
Oh God.
Waiting and waiting and waiting.
Not knowing if you're coming or going.
Endlessly hoping for some resolution that might never ever, ever, ever come.
Do you know what I mean? I think we've some idea Martin.
Right.
What's that? My results.
When did they arrive? A couple of days ago.
Martin's right.
Good news or bad, I'd rather know.
This is going to be good news.
I can feel it.
Yeah but even if it isn't, we'll get through it together.
No, that's loser talk Carmel.
This is gonna give me the all clear.
What's it gonna give me? The all clear.
Ciara.
It's gonna say all clear Da.
Lads.
All clear! It'll say all clear.
Right, here we go.
It'll be good news.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Oh Carmel.
Jesus.
Oh God.
Oh Tony.
Jesus.
Tony.
It's bad.
I love you Carmel.
Oh no Tony.
No.
Ciara.
Daddy's little girl.
Stop it Da.
Stop.
There's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time.
Your hamster didn't run away.
I brought him to work and I lost him.
Rory.
What? We've had some craic over the years, haven't we.
No.
Yeah.
I'm not ashamed to say it.
My son is my best friend.
I'm just glad you got your mother's hair.
Shut up Da.
What's going on? Graham.
I haven't known you very long but you seem like a good skin.
You make Ciara happy and you're alright by me.
Just promise me you'll look after her.
You have my word Mr.
Walsh.
Please call me Tony.
Thanks Mr.
Walsh.
And Carmel.
Stop it.
Where do I start? Stop it right now Tony.
Let me see that thing.
Let me see that bloody thing.
I thought we'd grow old together.
But my anal companion, it's Benigan.
Benigan? Yeah.
Give me that bloody thing.
It's written there.
Benign Tony.
Benign.
Whatever way you say it.
I'm finished.
Benigan.
You hairy goose! Benign is the good one Tony.
What? They're doctors.
They're not going to put all clear on it.
Are you sure benign's the good one? Of course I'm sure.
There's a rhyme to remember.
Benign is fine.
Malignant is.
.
Anyway.
Benign is fine.
Benign is fine.
Benign is fine.
It's fine.
Benign is fine! Benign is fine.
Benign is fine! Benign is fine! ALL: Benign is fine.
Benign is fine.
I told yis.
Benign is fine! Good man Martin.
Right, will we go? Yeah, I'm starving.
Good man Rory.
Let's go.
I'm getting a burger.
Da, we've missed the early bird.
Don't worry about it.
We'll go a la carte.
On me! But we won't get any starters cos it's getting a bite late.
When no-one else can understand me.
When everything I do is wrong.
You give me hope and consolation.
You give me strength to carry on.
And you're always there to lend a hand in everything I do.
That's the wonder.
The wonder of you.
: Tracey Carr, RTE 2014.
You'd better roll the dice cos after all, you can never tell.
This could be your lucky day but if you don't play the game you'll never know.
You'll never know.
Rory, would you come on! Ma, I have it here for you.
Thanks Ciara.
Rory, hurry up! Are yous waiting? Yes! I have something for you.
There we go.
It's perfect.
Now this means you're the king of the dinner.
It's a family tradition.
Different one of us every time.
This time it's you.
Oh, right.
Jaysus sake.
Rory! I'm coming! Useless, would you get in the kitchen.
Lovely Graham.
Did you bring a hat for all of us? What? No.
Well as long as you brought one for yourself.
Where are yis off to Carmel? The Thai Bride, Martin.
Oh lovely.
Where's Martin? He's in the wall there, looking for the source of that smell.
Are you in the hall wall? I think so! That smell is driving me mad.
I'm used to it.
I like it.
Are you off your rocker? What? You're not going to make a show of us in that get up.
You look like you're going to steal a horse and swap it for heroin.
Get back up those stairs, put something decent on.
It's like this every time we go out.
What's the occasion? Why are we going out for dinner? I can't tell you.
It's actually too stupid.
Any luck yet Martin? The only thing I can say for sure is that it's not not coming from inside the walls.
Okay, well that's something I suppose.
I'm surprised anyone can fit in one of those walls.
It' a bit tight and you know me.
I have terrible claustrophobia.
It's not as bad as it could be because there's no insulation.
Don't believe in insulation Martin.
It's a scam.
Made up by the government to steal money off the working man.
Just like VAT and stamps.
You're going to love this place Graham.
You know that country, Thailand.
Yeah.
The food's from there.
Right.
And is it really called The Thai Bride? It's the most authentic Thai food I think I've ever had.
But they'll do you a burger if you want one.
What's the occasion? Did Ciara not tell you? No.
15 years ago myself and Carmel were just walking past The Thai Bride.
Just walking past.
We thought let's just go in and have dinner.
Just like that.
Just like that.
We didn't even plan it.
We just did it.
Totally spontaneous.
So now ever year we go back on the same day to The Thai Bride and have dinner.
It's a sort of a celebration of spontaneity.
It's like a celebration of that mad spirit that us Walshes have.
And do yis ever go anywhere else? God no.
Has to be The Thai Bride.
Graham, wait till you meet Lee.
He's our waiter.
He is such fun.
He is such jizzy craic.
He is just jizz personified.
And his name isn't even Lee.
God no.
You'd be all day trying to say his real name.
Graham, wait till you meet him.
He'll have you in stitches.
He does an impersonation of the chef.
MAM! I swear to God.
Do not finish that impression.
You're right.
I wouldn't do it justice.
You'll have to see for yourself.
What is the hat for? I'm king of the dinner.
You're what? Now remember, this meal is on me.
BOTH: Your money's no good tonight.
That's 8 times.
He did 2 when you were upstairs.
No, no.
Don't mind.
It's my treat.
This is for your benefit.
It's very kind of you Mr.
Walsh.
Thank you very much.
Have a good long look at that menu and decide what you want before we get there.
I know exactly what I'm getting.
Carmel fried rice, Lee calls it.
He says.
.
Ma! She's right.
I wouldn't do it any justice.
Choose whatever you like.
Although I will say the early bird half price special is mwuah.
Here we go.
No, no.
They save all the best stuff for the early bird.
But order whatever you want.
It's on me.
Your money's no good tonight.
11! We want to get a wriggle on if we want to make the early bird everyone's so keen on.
Rory, hurry up! Ah for Jaysus sake.
What in God's name is that? What? What are you wearing? Is it no good? No.
It's no good.
Where did you get it? I found it.
You found it? You found a suit? Ah Rory, don't be wearing suits you found.
Back upstairs Boardwalk Empire.
Get it off you.
Tony.
Don't be at it.
I'm not at it.
Anything in the post this morning or? Nothing yet, no.
No news is good news.
Tony had a biopsy done on his.
.
You know.
The little fella that took up residence around the Rose of Tralee.
His anal companion, shall we say.
I got a bit worried there when it changed colour.
What colour was it when you saw it Graham? I don't know.
Grey-ish I suppose.
Grey! It wasn't grey.
No, no.
It was red.
In fact I found the exact shade of red that it actually was.
I have it here on a Dulux chart.
Can we stop talking about this please? Carmen Miranda.
But then it went sort of a summer blush.
It wasn't summer blush.
It was African adventure if it was anything.
How do you know? I had a look.
How? How do you think? With a mirror.
Which mirror? The white one beside the bed.
My mother gave me that mirror.
I like to pretend that she's looking at me through it.
Oh my God! Oh I'll have to boil it now or something.
Ah you won't.
I only used it to look.
Oh my poor mother.
Expecting to see me and instead getting an African adventure.
What are you doing? Putting on the telly.
Don't be putting on the telly.
Why not? Cos we're going out.
But we're not.
We're just sitting here.
That's a staying in thing.
You can't be doing a staying in thing when we're going out.
But we're not going out.
We are.
We just.
.
What if one of the neighbours sees us? They'll think we get dressed up to watch the television.
We'll be the talk of the close.
No.
We're not doing anything.
We are sitting here and waiting.
Until we can go out and enjoy our celebration of spontaneity.
Rory, are you nearly ready? Ah Rory! What? Come on and get dressed.
We're waiting for you.
Yeah, okay.
God, my poor mother.
You don't want that as part of your eternal reward, do you! No.
You don't.
What do you think happens to us when we die Graham? Well actually Mrs.
Walsh, I don't think anything happens.
What do you mean? I think it just stops.
It just stops? Yeah.
What, you die and that's it? Yeah.
Well that's something to look forward to.
I don't think! Ma thinks when you die that's when it all starts happening.
Don't you Ma.
Too right I do.
I can't wait to die.
Imagine not looking forward to dying.
I feel sorry for you.
Ma.
You don't agree with him, do you? No, no.
I'm with you.
Looking forward to it.
Don't go sharing any of your mad opinions with Rory.
Ah.
Lovebirds.
A pair of lovely lovebirds.
Checking each other for.
.
parasites.
That's lovely Mam.
Thanks.
It was on David Attenborough.
One bird sits there proud as you like, while the other digs at it with its beak.
Removing fleas and microscopic ticks.
So very loving but at the same time clever because you know, that's dinner sorted.
When your father had hair I used to find all sorts of things in there.
I wouldn't eat any of it though.
Grooming.
That's what they call it.
I was grooming him and now Graham is grooming you.
Is he not down yet? We might not get our table.
We get the same table every year.
Down the back.
Handiest for the toilets.
Look everyone.
Look what I found in my suit.
We can look at it at dinner.
No Da, look.
What the.
.
Who's your friend? I don't know.
I found it in my suit.
What do you think it is? It's a cat and a man sitting with a big rabbit.
Why though? Why is there a cat and a man and a big rabbit? I don't get it.
Let me see it again.
What's going on? The cat's sitting like he's a person.
Why? I don't get it.
Why don't you phone up your friend and ask him? I don't know him Ma.
Why do you have a photo of a man you don't know? I think that's madder than the photo itself.
Graham, you'll know.
What does it mean? Right.
I think this must be the Easter Bunny.
Maybe the person who owned your suit before you was American.
They might visit the Easter Bunny in America.
Around Easter time.
And so, do they tell the bunny what Easter egg they want? I don't know.
It's a cat though.
Do cats get Easter eggs in America then? I'm not sure.
See, he doesn't have all the answers.
We can figure it out over dinner.
Let's go.
Martin! Will you turn the lights off when you're finished? Alright Tony! What Carmel? Just one second.
It's Mrs.
Lydon.
She's coming out of her house.
Let her leave first.
Why? Just ssh! I told her I'd go to Weightwatcher with her.
I don't want to go.
I don't need Weightwatchers.
She's the one who sat on her cat and nearly killed it.
She's coming over here.
Quick, hit the lights.
Graham, hit the friggin' lights! Hide! For the love of God.
Quiet.
KNOCK ON DOOR.
No-one move.
I bet you anything we don't get out of here tonight.
Do you realise something? What? We've never had an argument.
Yeah.
I suppose not.
That's cos you're perfect.
No I'm not.
You are.
You're a perfect girl.
There must be one thing wrong with me.
No.
Really, there isn't.
Carmel.
Hello Carmel.
Carmel, are you in? Sick of hiding from this woman.
Are you alright? What? God Rory.
You're white as a sheet.
Go on.
What's the one thing you'd say if you had to say something that was wrong with me? I wouldn't say anything.
Okay.
Okay.
Well what if a Nazi had a gun to your head? No, to my head and he said he'd kill me if you didn't say one thing that was wrong with me.
I still wouldn't say anything.
He's got a gun Graham.
He's going to kill me.
Is she gone? Maybe he's one of those nice Nazis who didn't want to join in with everything.
No, he wants to join in.
God, I'm getting kind of scared Graham.
He's really scary and I can feel the gun against my head.
Okay, okay.
Alright.
Maybe sometimes you can be a little.
.
A little mind.
.
He's going to pull the trigger.
A little tiny small bit lazy.
Ciara.
Ciara.
There.
She's gone back inside.
Let's go before she comes back with a warrant.
Where's she off to? Ciara.
Please come out.
We really have to go.
Lazy.
You called her lazy! But she.
.
And we were just about to go out.
It was a Nazi.
What? She said a Nazi would kill her unless I told her what was wrong with her.
Graham, Graham.
That's the oldest trick in the book.
Any situation like that you let the Nazi take her out.
What did you say to her? He called her lazy.
Are you mentalist? We are this close to leaving and you start flinging insults around.
Just stay here.
Feckin' nut job.
You think you have life figured out, then something like this happens.
What? What is this? What is he doing? Taking a cat to see the Easter Bunny? It doesn't make any sense.
Nothing makes any sense.
I'm scared of opening it.
I'm scared of not opening it.
Look, I know I don't usually turn to You for advice but obviously I'm desperate.
Unfortunately Tony, I can't help.
This is something you're going to have to sort out for yourself.
There's a rat-like thing in here Tony.
I wonder is that where the smell is coming from.
Oh no, it's alive.
It's coming towards me! Are you alright Martin? No! Agh! Go away.
Go away! Rory, put that Easter Bunny, catman, baldy fella down for a second.
I want to talk to you about some thing.
Yeah? Listen, I'm not going to be around forever.
Yeah, we're going out.
No.
I'm not going to be around forever.
You're going out? Can I come? No.
Stop looking at that thing.
Are you going to a film? No.
My point is, I'm not going to be around here forever.
Strollinstown? Are we moving? No, we're not moving.
I'm talking about me.
You're moving? Are you and Ma splitting up? No.
Then why are you moving? I'm not moving.
Look Rory, I'm talking about the inevitable.
The inevitable? Is that the name of the film? Are you going to a film? No! Can I come? Graham, I'm not going to be around forever.
Okay.
Do you remember when your ma died? Yes.
Well, what kind of funeral did she have? Well it was pretty traditional.
She was cremated though.
Incinerated, yeah.
Well cremated.
When I die I'd like the full taxi-man procession all the way down the bus lane to the church.
But I wouldn't want a fuss.
Why bother? What? What's the point in funerals? What's the point in anything? Right, crisis over.
She's just sorting her make-up.
What are you on about? What if there's no heaven? What if there's just nothing? What if nothing means anything? I told you to stay away from him.
I didn't say anything to him.
Did you get changed again? What are you wearing? You look like one of those emus.
Emos.
Whatever.
You look daft.
Rory.
Did you hear about this new film about constipation? No.
That's because it hasn't come out yet.
Normally Da, I would never stop laughing at that joke.
Because I think it's the funniest joke I've ever heard.
But today, I'm just not in the mood.
This is all his fault.
Richard Dawkins here.
Do you really not believe in heaven? Please, I don't.
.
Do you want to know what I think heaven's like? Driving down Route 66 in an old Chevy convertible, with Carmel in the back cooking a fry.
Excuse me Tony.
I'm not spending eternity cooking you breakfast in a car.
You can forget about that now.
Hi Ciara.
Hello.
Right, that's us.
At last.
We'll just make the early bird if we leave right now.
Where's Rory? Rory! I'm here! Where? In the wall! What are you doing in there? Showing Martin the photo.
Rory Walsh.
Get out of that wall.
We're going for dinner.
I'm not hungry.
You're what? What did he say? Rory said he's not hungry.
What? Rory said what? Rory said he's not hungry.
We're running a few minutes late so.
.
We all know what we want so can we order now? Brilliant.
Can I have five early birds please.
What?! But we're ordering it now.
I wouldn't have said anything if the Nazi hadn't been.
.
He was going to kill you Ciara.
Yeah.
I had to say something.
I was just trying to stall for time.
I didn't know what he was capable of.
Lazy though.
Why did you have to say lazy? I didn't know what I was saying.
People aren't themselves under occupation.
So you'd just do whatever the Nazis told you to do? No.
No, I'd resist.
I'd be with the resistance but you have to choose your moments.
I don't know Graham.
Ciara, this is our lives.
We can't play games with our lives.
These people are dangerous.
What people? Imaginary Nazis.
No, no.
We can't reschedule till tomorrow.
Today is the day we have the celebration of spontaneity.
The celebration of spontaneity.
Well is there anyone there who speaks English? Then put her on.
So now I'm a Nazi? Look how easily you went along with everything.
Calling me lazy.
That's exactly what happened with Poland.
You can't compare me calling you lazy to the invasion of Poland.
All it takes for evil men to succeed is for good men to do nothing.
And you did nothing except call me lazy.
I didn't think.
I thought lazy would be better than, I don't know, rude.
Rude! You think I'm rude? I don't think you're rude.
I think you're lovely.
Where did rude come from? I don't know Ciara.
I'm just pulling these out of my bum.
What's this light doing off?! Couldn't get the early bird.
I don't think I'm in the mood now anyway.
What's the point in being in the mood for things? I'll tell yis.
I've been listening to yis all night.
The only thing I'd be scare of when I die is to go that place, limbo.
Heaven would be great obviously.
That's a given.
Even hell, you'd meet some interesting people.
But limbo.
Oh God.
Waiting and waiting and waiting.
Not knowing if you're coming or going.
Endlessly hoping for some resolution that might never ever, ever, ever come.
Do you know what I mean? I think we've some idea Martin.
Right.
What's that? My results.
When did they arrive? A couple of days ago.
Martin's right.
Good news or bad, I'd rather know.
This is going to be good news.
I can feel it.
Yeah but even if it isn't, we'll get through it together.
No, that's loser talk Carmel.
This is gonna give me the all clear.
What's it gonna give me? The all clear.
Ciara.
It's gonna say all clear Da.
Lads.
All clear! It'll say all clear.
Right, here we go.
It'll be good news.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Oh Carmel.
Jesus.
Oh God.
Oh Tony.
Jesus.
Tony.
It's bad.
I love you Carmel.
Oh no Tony.
No.
Ciara.
Daddy's little girl.
Stop it Da.
Stop.
There's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time.
Your hamster didn't run away.
I brought him to work and I lost him.
Rory.
What? We've had some craic over the years, haven't we.
No.
Yeah.
I'm not ashamed to say it.
My son is my best friend.
I'm just glad you got your mother's hair.
Shut up Da.
What's going on? Graham.
I haven't known you very long but you seem like a good skin.
You make Ciara happy and you're alright by me.
Just promise me you'll look after her.
You have my word Mr.
Walsh.
Please call me Tony.
Thanks Mr.
Walsh.
And Carmel.
Stop it.
Where do I start? Stop it right now Tony.
Let me see that thing.
Let me see that bloody thing.
I thought we'd grow old together.
But my anal companion, it's Benigan.
Benigan? Yeah.
Give me that bloody thing.
It's written there.
Benign Tony.
Benign.
Whatever way you say it.
I'm finished.
Benigan.
You hairy goose! Benign is the good one Tony.
What? They're doctors.
They're not going to put all clear on it.
Are you sure benign's the good one? Of course I'm sure.
There's a rhyme to remember.
Benign is fine.
Malignant is.
.
Anyway.
Benign is fine.
Benign is fine.
Benign is fine.
It's fine.
Benign is fine! Benign is fine.
Benign is fine! Benign is fine! ALL: Benign is fine.
Benign is fine.
I told yis.
Benign is fine! Good man Martin.
Right, will we go? Yeah, I'm starving.
Good man Rory.
Let's go.
I'm getting a burger.
Da, we've missed the early bird.
Don't worry about it.
We'll go a la carte.
On me! But we won't get any starters cos it's getting a bite late.
When no-one else can understand me.
When everything I do is wrong.
You give me hope and consolation.
You give me strength to carry on.
And you're always there to lend a hand in everything I do.
That's the wonder.
The wonder of you.
: Tracey Carr, RTE 2014.