The War at Home s01e02 Episode Script

I.M. What I.M.

They say necessity is the mother of invention.
When I first got a computer, it seemed so complicated.
I thought, I'll never figure this thing out.
Then I found out there was free pornography out there I figured it out.
- What's wrong, honey? - Nothing! All right, then! Your daughter's all moody and crying about something.
Hillary's been moody and crying since she was 12.
Where have you been? Seriously, what do you think is wrong with her? She's 16, Dave.
Everything's wrong with her.
If it was really bad, she'd tell us about it or she'd be showing.
I'm taking a bath, and then going to bed.
Okay, honey.
What is that about? Guys don't take baths.
They take showers.
I'm telling you, this is one step closer to him sitting down to pee.
Did you see what he was wearing? Yeah.
It was a bathrobe, Dave, not a prom dress.
Okay, so one time he wore women's clothing.
One time we know about.
Remember, last year, he wanted to be a rock star? He quit guitar lessons after two weeks.
You know, it's possible that this whole cross-dressing thing is just an experimental phase.
Why doesn't he just experiment with drugs like every other teenager? You know what? If it gets really bad, maybe we can start experimenting Honey, we're gonna get through this.
I know it isn't easy for you, but he is our son.
Just for the record, I was happy with just one kid.
She was the one who was too lazy to use her diaphragm that night.
For his sake, can you at least pretend like it doesn't bother you? Well, give me some credit.
He has no idea that I'm upset about this.
My dad hates me.
So does mine.
But this is different.
First, my dad thought I was gay.
Now he thinks I'm a transvestite You're lucky.
My dad just doesn't like me All I'm saying is that this is a very confusing time in his life, and he doesn't need any added pressure from us.
Plus, Bob says, if we're judgmental, it'll only cause Larry more anxiety Bob? Bob who? Bob Tellerino.
- Bob your ex-boyfriend Bob? - Yeah.
Since when are you talking to him? You know, he found me on one of those reunion Web sites, and he sent me a nice e-mail, and now we're back in touch.
Yeah, well, why don't you e-mail him back and say "I'm married, my husband keeps me very satisfied, and don't ever contact me again"? Well, maybe I should start e-mailing all the girls I've ever slept with.
I'm sure they'd both be very happy to hear from you.
So, uh what are you talking to Bob for anyway? Honey, he happens to be a social worker that deals with families in crisis Yeah, well, there's no crisis in this family, all right? And, if there's something going on, you could talk to me.
What do you think we should do about Larry? I don't want to talk about it.
You can't pretend like he doesn't exit.
Right now, it's like you can't even look him in the eye.
That's not true.
Good night.
Look, Taye, there's something that's kind of bothering me.
What's up? Okay, so,when we're together, and you say that you're going to do something for me if I do something for you, and then I do it for you, and you not only don't do it, you just leave and go home? Well, that's not what I consider a healthy and balanced relationship Yeah, I gotta go.
If you walk out of here right now, we are so not hanging out anymore! Honey, what is with you? Is this about Taye? Did he break up with you? Please, please, please, please! No! Well, did he do something to you? No, Dad.
He didn't do anything! Leave me alone! Fine.
Remind me to leave you alone the next time you want your allowance Or you want a ride somewhere.
Or you want to go to college.
You're not listening to me anymore, are you? My dad can't even talk to me.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just going to tell him the truth.
That you dressed up in women's clothes so no one would recognize you when you stole your mom's car? Then he's going to ground you for a year.
Well, it's not like I actually have any plans.
You know what? I am going to tell him.
Sometimes, when you have no other choice, you just got to be honest.
Sometimes I wish we were more than just friends.
Yeah, it's always better to be honest.
Hey, Dad, there's this really big sale at the Athlete's Store.
You're not getting $200 sneakers.
They're not sneakers.
They're performance athletic shoes Oh, really? Well, in that case, you're not getting $200 performance athletic shoes.
Oh, and, uhby the way, you left your computer on last night, and there was an instant message for you.
Instant message? Yeah.
Someone named "Lonely Lady Michigan.
" Oh, ( bleep )! Oh, well, must been one of those pop-up things.
That's what I figured.
But, anyway, funny story.
You know, I said hello to her, and she must have thought I was you, because she wanted to know if my wife was around, or if it was okay to chat Oh, ( bleep )!( bleep )! ( bleep )!( bleep )! So, what do you say, Dad, hmm? Feel like taking a ride over to the mall later? Here's a little life lesson for you, punko.
You can't blackmail someone if they have nothing to hide, ok? Your mother doesn't care who I chat with on the computer.
Then I guess you won't care if I tell her.
I'll save you the trouble.
I'll tell her myself.
Get out of here Okay, damage control time.
I'd better get to her before he does.
Little situation.
Not a big deal or anything, but I'll fill you in.
Listen, I was taking to Mike, and, you know about cyber sex, right? I know all about cyber sex.
Cheryl from the office.
it ruined her marriage.
One minute her husband's chatting on line, the next thing you know, she's finding credit card receipts for motel rooms You know, I'd never cheat on Vicky, but if I did, I'd use cash.
That whole cyber sex thing makes me sick, and I don't want Mike doing it.
Okay, she seems to have misread the situation here.
Now, I could take advantage of it, but what kind of a low-life dirt bag would that make me? Yeah, Mike crossed the line this time.
I mean, a 13-year-old carrying on like that.
That-that-that's just disgusting.
Plus, it creates totally unrealistic expectations about sex.
You know what? Let's go talk to him, and lay down the law You know what, sweetie? I think that this is more like a father and son sort of discussion.
I don't know.
I think we should do it together.
You know, put up a united front.
Well, no, listen, sweetie, I know, that you think I never listen to you, but I do And you know how you're always telling me that I should be more hands-on with the kids' problems? Well, I justYou know, I think that this is a perfect opportunity.
But if you don't think that I can handle it by myself, I No, no, you're right.
Okay, good, yeah.
You take care of it.
Who feels like going to the mall? Yeah, but I just don't know what to do about it.
I mean, when somebody tells me that they're going to Oh, my God! Where'd you get the new kicks? Attention, old people.
Stop trying to use words you've heard on MTV.
You mean my new sneakers? Dad got them for me.
Why the hell would you buy him expensive new sneakers? Especially after what he was doing on the computer? If anything, you should have punished him.
First of all they're peformance athletic shoes.
Okay, and I took care of the whole computer thing.
How? By buying him a gift? Because Hillary's failing science.
Maybe we should get her a car.
Look, we discussed it and he won't be doing it again, ok? I don't think this is exactly a family crisis, but if you do, why don't you call your friend Bob and tell him about it? Well, if I did, I'm sure he'd listen to me, think about what I said and give me an intelligent response Yeah? Well, I'm no longer threatened by him.
He sounds like a girl.
Dad, I think we need to have a talk.
Talk? Is it important? Kind of, yeah.
Is this about you playing dress-up? Yeah, it is.
Okay, this is it.
He's my son and I love him no matter what I can handle this.
Go talk to your mother.
So I'm not really a transvestite I only said I liked wearing women's clothes because I didn't want you to know I drove your car.
Please don't kill me.
Look, I am your mother and I will always love you no matter what Thanks, Mom.
And you don't have to make up lies to make your dad and I feel better What? No, you don't understand, I Yes, I know you think we're upset with you, honey, but we're not.
Just give your dad some time.
He'll come around.
Yeah, but there's No buts, you are who you are, and whatever that is, it's okay.
And whether you're a transvestite, transgendered, a top, a bottom, a leather queen Oh, God, I hate it when she does research on the Internet.
All that matters is that you are true to yourself Am I such a loser that my mom can't believe I stole her car, but she can believe I wear women's panties? And what the hell is a leather queen? How would I know?! So now Larry's bending over backwards to try and convince me he's not really a crossdresser.
Look, I don't need to picture Larry bending over backwards And how is this my fault? Because, he realizes you want nothing to do with him.
Can't you treat him like you always have? For your information, I've always treated him like I want nothing to do with him Try.
The, uh, new Victoria's Secret catalog.
Thought you'd want to check it out.
Thanks, Dad.
Let me know if you, uh you want to order something.
Keep it under 20 bucks.
- Stop yelling at me.
- Then, stop lying to me! Just chill I'll get you next time.
Oh! And what makes you think there's gonna be a next time? What is with you? Do you have your period? Every time I'm upset about something, you think it's because I have my period.
Oh, that's not true.
Hillary, what's wrong? Do you have your period? What's a period? You don't, uh not have your period, right? Oh, my God! Hey, hey, hey, let me ask you a question.
- Uh, what's up with her? - You know.
No, I don't, otherwise I wouldn't be talking to you.
Man, she's all in my Kool Ai thinking I'm gonna holler back 'cause she's flowing all wiggy.
All right, well, uh thanks for clearing that up.
- Dave? - Hey.
- Oh.
Couldn't sleep, huh? - Yeah.
- Worried about Larry? - Yeah.
When did it all get so complicated? Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you come to bed, I'm sure I can take your mind off whatever's bothering you.
Sounds good to me.
You're excited already.
Hey, what's that? Oh, it must be one of those pop-up things.
Hey, who the hell is Lonely Lady Michigan? Oh, that's that horrible woman Mike was having cybersex with I IM'ed her, and I told her she'd better leave him alone.
Oh, really? Then why does it say, "Spank my ass, Dave"? Wow, I made a huge mistake here.
I never should use my real name.
I can't believe you! I was actually worried about you, and you're down here cybering? I-I didn't think you'd care about that.
Oh, really? Then why'd you lie and blame it on Mike? Okay, I thought you might care a little.
You're damn right I care.
What are you doing? I don't want you chatting with other women about sex.
Oh, sweetie, don't be ridiculous.
It's just a little harmless fun.
Harmless fun.
That's exactly what my friend Cheryl's husband said, and now he's having "harmless fun" in some crappy studio apartment 'cause Cheryl's got the house.
Ha-ha! Fun! Who is this fun person? Do you know her? Oh, my God! Do I know her? No, no, she's nobody.
I don't know her.
She's a complete stranger, sweetie.
I found her in the "Married But Bored" chatroom.
"Married But Bored"? "Married But Bored"! 'Cause you didn't seem so bored last week when I woke you up in the middle of the night and kept you up for 2 hours Okay, are you done now? No! I cannot believe you're bored with our marriage.
Exactly how long have you been bored? I'm not bored with our marriage - Obviously, you are, or you wouldn't be sneaking around having an affair with this "fun" person.
Affair? Give me a break.
The woman lives in Michigan.
What do you think? I'm waking up the middle of the night, getting on a plane, having sex with her, and getting back here before you wake up? So it's just inconvenience that keeps you faithful to me.
I don't know why you're so upset about this.
You know about my Brazilian Bubble Butt collection.
You don't have a problem with that? This is a real live person you're interacting with.
That's why it's cheating.
And Bob isn't a real live person you've been interacting with? That's completely different.
Really? Sharing your personal problems and emotionally connecting with someone? Sounds like cheating to me.
- That is so not the same thing Right.
The only difference is that you actually know Bob.
All I know about this lady in Michigan is that she stays up late at night and enjoys a little light bondage and S&M I can think of another difference.
When I e-mail Bob, both my hands are on the keyboard Another reason why I e-mail him in the first place is 'cause he's insightful and a good listener, and I don't always get that from you.
Really? Well, the only reason why I cybered Lonely Lady is because she said she would do things that I'd never get from you So I'm guessing the fooling around thing's not gonna happen tonight, huh? Hey light foot, get those sneakers off, I'm returning them.
Why? Because I have nothing to hide anymore.
You can't return them; I'm already wearing them.
I don't care, they're still going back.
Now, take them off and go spray some Lysol in them Vicky! Vicky! If you have something to say Feel free to IM me.
I'll be in the "Married But Pissed" chatroom.
Technically, Vicky, that chatroom isn't about what you think it is - What do you want? - Look! You got one of those photo tickets for going through a red light.
It's a $200 fine.
How many times have I told you when the light turns yellow, floor it? That's not me.
If that's not you, then who's driving your car? Do you realize you could have killed someone? - Did you even think about that? - No.
Do you know we're responsible for you? Yeah, we could've lost everything all because you wanted to go on a little joyride.
What were you thinking? - We are very disappointed - Very disappointed in you.
Can't believe you.
I knew you weren't a trannie.
Come here.
We at the network do not necessarily agree with the views and opinions regarding crossdressers portrayed in this show I would never touch another woman I know that.
Except for maybe like at a strip club.
And knowing that you're the only woman I'll ever touch, you know, it makes me happy.
But, at the same time, it makes me horny as hell for any other woman Honey, next time, say it with flowers.
Look, you want me to listen to all your personal, intimate stuff, you have to listen to mine, too.
I'm sorry, okay? - Okay.
You know I love you, right? You think I'd still be here if I didn't? You know what? I'm not gonna talk to Bob again.
Come here.
Come here.
Ow! Ow! Ow! What the hell was that? What? I thought that's what you wanted Lonely Lady Michigan to do to you No, no, no, I said I wanted to do that to her.
Yeah, that's never gonna happen Okay, this is getting old Will you please tell me what's bothering you? Dad.
Come on, Hillary, listen, if you're having boyfriend problems, you know, maybe I could help.
You know, I might not understand teenage girls that well, but, you know, I was a teenage boy once.
I mean, if you want to know so badly I mean, guys can just be so selfish sometimes, and I gave Taye something for our one-month anniversary, and he didn't do anything for me.
- Oh, well, that's just not right.
- I know.
Hillary is very upset, Taye.
Apparently, she went out of her way to give you something special, and you couldn't be bothered to give her something in return? She told you that? Yes, Taye, she did.
I'm her father; she tells me everything.