The War at Home s01e04 Episode Script

Guess Who's Coming to the Barbecue

Political correctness.
What retardExcuse me.
What mentally challenged moron thought up that idea? Everyone's so sensitive nowadays.
My dad always says, "Dave, when I was your age, "there was no such thing as 'African-Americans,' "'Asian-Americans' or 'Native Americans.
' "There was just 'Americans.
' And the Blacks, Puerto Ricans and the Italians.
" - How was your day? - Okay, I guess.
It was good.
It was real good.
Good day, Larry.
What a nightmare.
We waited forever to tee off, which meant I actually had to talk to him.
So I didn't learn a lot about Larry, but I did learn a lot about hobbits.
And when we got out there, he was likea special ed kid.
What do you expect? You know he sucks at sports No, I knew he sucked at baseball and tennis.
I thought maybe he could hit a ball that wasn't moving.
I was wrong.
I mean, I'm his father.
We have to have something in common.
I am his father, aren't I? Almost positive.
Hey, Mr.
How's it hanging? It's hanging.
What do you want, Dad? Do you have to do what you were doing in the middle of my living room? Fine.
Taye, let's go to my bedroom.
No, no, no, you stay.
I'll go.
I'll be right on the other side of the door.
Right on the other side.
Why is she still going out with Taye? Enough is enough already.
- Is this because he's black? What? No.
What are you talking about? I-I don't see black or white.
I only see people, okay? People who want to have sex with my daughter and people who don't.
And this one does.
I'm telling you, he's way too experienced for her.
How do you know that? Because she thinks he's a cool kid, and cool kids have sex.
I know this because I was a cool kid.
And I don't want Hillary to be cool.
I want her to be frigid.
Yeah, and you're sure that's the only thing you don't like about him? Yeah, that's the only thing, okay? I don't have a problem with her going out with a black guy, as long as she marries a Jewish guy.
There aren't many of us left.
I don't need her, diluting the Jew pool.
Oh, really? And what were you thinking when you took a dip in this Roman Catholic? Bottom line: I don't want him coming over here anymore.
Then why did you agree to the barbecue? What barbecue? I told you, I invited Taye and his parents over for a barbecue on Saturday - You didn't tell me about a barbecue - I told you twice.
Why do I even bother talking to you? The truth is, I invited him an hour ago, but this is so much easier than consulting him first.
Why would you invite his parents over here? Because Hillary's dating Taye.
And what's wrong with getting to know his family? And was Hillary cool with this? You invited Taye's family?! Are you insane? You can't make me come! I'm not coming! No! She was very excited.
Well, you can't make me come.
I'm not coming.
They happen to be very nice, interesting people.
He's a pediatrician and she's a decorator.
Oh, so is that what this is about? Decorating tips? No, Dave.
This is about Hillary.
This is a pivotal point in our relationship, and I want to stay close with her.
Besides, what's wrong with making some new friends? New friends? Look, I don't even like the friends we have.
Yeah, they're not exactly crazy about you, either.
Who? Did somebody say something about me? I'm adorable.
- Dad, can I show you something? - Sure.
What are you doing? I think there's something wrong with it.
Don't worry.
You're 13.
It's still growing.
No, it's not that.
All rightlet's take a look-see.
Man, you tell your kids they could always come to you with anything, but Mike, have you been, uhyou know Yes.
Like, a lot? Are you asking me if I'mchronic? No.
Are you? Chronic? Yeah.
So, let me ask you a question: what are you, using when you do it? I don't know, sometimes a magazine, but mostly just my imagination.
No, no What are you using, to, um, make things go smoothly? I don't know.
OK, look Michael, I don't think you're exactly doing it right.
Really? 'Cause, uh I mean, it seemed like it was working pretty well.
Let me tell you something.
I'm gonna get you something to make things go more smoothly.
And in the meantime, look, don't touch it for a week, okay? A week? Don't worry.
You won't forget how to do it.
It's like riding a bike.
The best bike in the world.
I mean, why did you have to invite them? Because I don't want to be like my mother.
She took no interest in my life.
You were so lucky! Well, will you at least talk to Dad and make sure that he doesn't do anything to embarrass me today? Come on, honey.
When has he ever? Okay, I'll talk to him.
Honey, you know how you sometimes are with people you don't know, or people you do know? Could you not be that way today? Could you just watch what you say? Well, what do you think, I'm an animal? I can't control myself? Come on.
Give me some credit.
You're making chicken and ribs for Taye's family? Yes.
I know they're black, but it's a barbecue.
What do you want me to make, spaghetti and meatballs? "Oh, no, you're Italian! I hope I didn't offend you" No.
I just meant, I thought you were making burgers, but, you know, this is great, honey.
Get it all out now.
Hey, Larry, here, come on.
Barbecue with me.
Why? Because it's something we could do together.
Am I being punished? No.
Look, here.
Brush some sauce on those babies, all right? I want my baby back, baby back I want my baby back, baby back Wha-What are you doing? It's like in the commercial.
Is it possible there was some sort of mistake at the hospital? All right, well, just knock yourself out.
I can't believe they're doing this to me.
This is the worst day of my life.
This is the worst week of my life.
Well, at least Dad's not trying to bond and spend time with you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you're right.
Well, thanks for the tour.
Your house is great.
Oh, really? But don't you hate the living room? It just has no flow.
Well, if I were you, I would think about moving away from the traditional couch-coffee table layout.
Maybe do areas-- you know, reading area, music area.
Oh, areas.
But somehow I can't quite picture it.
Could you do a little sketch for me? So You see the ballgame? I'm sorry, I just Look, I don't know what we're doing here.
I mean, it's not like the kids are getting married or something.
God forbid.
Frankly, I'd prefer he dated a black girl.
Hey, not for nothing, but, I'm not into the whole mixing and matching thing, either.
You know what I mean? Hey, Hey, I didn't even want to come over here today.
Vanessa and I got into a big fight about it.
Guess who won? - Yeah.
Well, guess who came up with the idea for a barbecue in the first place.
Wasn't me.
- I could have been playing golf.
- Really? You play golf? Yes, I do.
Is that so strange: a black man who plays golf? Ever heard of Tiger Woods? Actually, Tiger Woods is only half black, but this guy obviously has some issues, so I'm gonna just keep my mouth shut like I promised.
No, no, I didn't mean it like that.
I was just saying, you know, you play golf, I play golf.
Isn't this nice? We should really appreciate these moments because before you know it, the kids'll be off to college.
I'm kind of hoping Taye gets into Yale.
That's where I went.
At this point, we're just hoping Hillary graduates high school.
Well, fortunately, you have nothing to worry about with her.
I mean, it doesn't really matter what school she gets into, right? Yeah.
No, no.
What do you mean? Oh, you know, she's pretty and white.
How hard is life gonna be on her? You know, when I was eight years old, some kid tried to pick a fight with me, and I was the bigger man, and just walked away.
That's not gonna happen today.
Well, I'm sorry.
What are you saying, that, white people don't have to work hard? Dave, the food looks great.
Let's eat.
Well, I wouldn't go that far, but, yes, African-American people do sometimes have to work harder.
Do you know how hard I had to work to get into Yale? Well, don't you think maybe it was a little easier for you to get into Yale? Dad, come on, we're starving over here.
How do you figure? Well, you do have to admit that there are probably less black people applying to Yale.
Right? So, I'd imagine that they'd probably have to keep a certain number of spots open for you guys.
What are you saying-- I got into Yale because of affirmative action? Because I have never gotten any advantages for being black, not one.
I didn't say anything about affirmative action.
Did I say anything about that? Come on, it's not like I was calling you a token.
A what?! You think I'm a token? No, no, I said you weren't a token.
Don't be so sensitive, Omar.
Oh, so now I'm an overly sensitive token.
Okay You know what? I've had enough.
I think we should go.
No, no, it's okay.
No, no, no, if he wants to go, let him go.
He said he didn't even want to come here today.
You know, I think he might be a little bit of a racist.
Vanessa and Taye, come on, we're leaving.
And another thing: he doesn't even want our kids to be together.
Isn't that crazy? He's all flipped out that they might make some mochachino babies.
And if he doesn't want to support our daughter and her boyfriend, I say, good riddance.
You see, this is why I don't like to entertain.
Oh, man.
I don't even know where to start.
Okay, um you wash, I'll dry.
What were you thinking? Why would you even go there? What are you on my case for? What about Omar, huh? Did you hear him? "Hillary's a white girl.
She's not going to have any problems.
" He doesn't know what he's talking about.
My daughter has plenty of problems.
That doesn't excuse what you did.
You need to apologize to Hillary and to Omar.
Okay, first of all, I already apologized to Hillary.
Come on, honey, you're not gonna hold this against me, are you? She and I are good, but you can forget about Omar.
Why should I apologize to him? Because this is Hillary's boyfriend's family.
And after the way you acted, I wouldn't be surprised if they never even let him see her again.
Good! Then this barbecue wasn't all for nothing.
Okay, fine.
You know what? Do it.
Don't do it.
It's your decision.
Huh! And what? If I don't apologize, you're going to what? Like, withhold sex from me? No, why should I be punished? I'll have sex with you, but don't expect me to talk to you.
You know, sex with no talking, that's not exactly a threat, Vicky.
Hey, Vanessa let me in.
This is a beautiful house you guys have here.
The white owners are tied up in the basement, Dave.
Okay, I'm sensing you're still a little upset.
Listen, um, I just, I wanted to tell you that if anything I said yesterday offended you in any way, that wasn't my intention.
Okay, at the time it was, but you know, now I feel bad about it.
And I just, I wanted to say that, you know, I do not think you're a token, and I'm sure you work very hard for everything you have.
And I wanted to just, you know, say I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
To be honest, I probably provoked you a little bit.
It's not a problem.
Your wife made you apologize didn't she? What do you think? You're pulling up your head.
That's why you went to the left.
You should keep your head down even after you hit it.
Baby, I just had the greatest day of my life.
See? Apologizing wasn't that bad.
No, that part sucked.
But then I gave Omar a few golf tips.
The next thing you know, he takes me to the Westbrook Country Club.
Sweetie, I'm telling you it's the promised land.
No waiting to tee off, fresh lemonade at every hole.
There's a snack bar where you don't even have to pay.
It's all on the honor system.
Look, I stole you a chicken Caesar.
I'm telling you if I play this right, I'll be golfing there every weekend.
Larry, how would you like to go to the Westbrook Country Club? We'll get you some golf lessons sometime.
Great I guess.
If I have to.
Good idea, Dave.
Keep forcing him to play golf.
Years from now, it'll give him something to talk about in therapy.
Look he's my kid, you know.
I'd like to find some way to spend ten minutes with him without wanting to kill myself.
Well, instead of trying to make him do something you want to do, you could do something with him that he wants to do.
I prefer my way.
No, why don't you just get out of here, you jerk.
Fine, I'm out.
What's going on? - Taye and I broke up.
- What? Why? Not because of the barbecue, right? Because that's all good now.
No! It's because he's an idiot! You okay, sweetie? No.
Taye's such a jerk.
A jerk whose father belongs to Westbrook.
I can't go back to those public courses.
I just can't.
Why?! What are you talking about? He's a nice kid from a nice family.
He's smart.
He's cute.
Do you really think you could do better? Dave? Can't you see she's upset? Oh, sweetie.
- You want to talk about it? - I do! - Why did you break up with him? - Dave, please! No, no! What was the reason?! I hope it's not because he's black because we raised you to be colorblind.
Dad! All right, you really want to know? - Yeah.
Taye's pressuring me to go all the way, and I'm not ready yet.
What else? - Dave! - Dad! What? Nice.
Selling out your daughter for a round of golf.
What kind of person are you? Okay, I know, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
It's just You know, I really, really want to play at that club again, though.
Was that Mike? - Mike, honey, are you okay? - What's wrong? My penis is on fire! What?! The Hot and Slick stuff you bought me is burning me.
You bought him Hot and Slick? Know how you're always telling me to be more involved in the parenting? You'll be okay, honey.
Just put some water on yourself and wash it off.
What were you thinking? No, no, he was chronically, you know, and he, you know, aggravated the area.
Why didn't you tell me about this? He's my son, too.
Is that normal for a teenager? How much? Like a lot? Vicky, is this honestly something you need to know about? Or were you much happier, like, three minutes ago? Yeah, yeah, yeah, good point.
Oh, no.
We don't have to go play golf now, do we? No.
- So what do you want? - Do I have to want something? Can't I just come in here to hang out? Well, you never have before.
So You still play with Legos? Sometimes.
Legos are cool.
So What'd you make here? - It's a castle.
- You mean it's a fort.
No, it's a castle.
Oh, yeah, and, uh this must be the So, uh, what about these guys? Are these guys trying to storm the castle and make out with all the hot wenches? Actually, I was recreating the signing of the Magna Carta but my dad's trying.
I'll throw him a bone.
- Ok, here come the barbrbians.
- Watch out! It's gonna be a bloodbath! Omar, my man.
- Taye left his backpack.
- Yeah, he and Hillary broke up.
Listen, I, hope that won't affect, you know, us.
You know, in fact, we should play golf again sometime.
You could come with me to the public course or I guess I could always go back to the club.
- Actually, that's not a good idea.
- Why? - Is it about the chicken Caesar? - What chicken Caesar? Oh, never mind.
Was there some sort of problem? Well, the thing is, Dave--and this is not me-- but the country club sort of Well, they don't exactly like people like you.
People like me? You mean people that could actually put the ball on the fairway? Look, I don't know how else to put this.
They don't really allow Jews at the club.
You're kidding, right? It was okay to bring you once, but I can't make a habit of it.
Wait you're serious? They don't allow Jews? But they let you in.
I'm not Jewish.
Yeah, I know, but you're black.
What's your point, Dave? Nothing, I just recall you saying something about you never had any advantages for being black.
- I am not a token.
- I'm not saying that you are, but the only black family at an all-white country club? Why do you think they let you in? Because of your delightful personality? You know what? I'd rather be a token at Westbrook than a white guy playing on a crappy public course.
I'm gonna miss that Jew-hating country club.
Well, at least Hillary broke up with Taye.
That means she's gonna be around here a lot more, and in a bad mood.
She's gonna need her mommy.
I love it when she's unhappy.
Honey, are you okay? I know it was kind of an emotional day.
Do you want me to come to your room and we can talk? No, I'm fine.
Taye and I worked everything out.
We're back together.
All right, love you.
Are you okay? You want to talk? Will you talk dirty?