The War at Home s01e07 Episode Script


All I wanted to do was sneak into R-rated movies.
In my mind, "R" stood for "Really Good.
" Nowadays, there's warnings and ratings on everything video games, music, booze, cigarettes.
You'd think these warnings would keep kids away from all these things, when actually, it's like sending up a flare saying, "Hey, look! Good stuff's over here!" See? Makes you want to watch even more, doesn't it? Wow, you are the best kisser in the world.
-See you.
Yeah! So I see you and Marla are still going strong.
Oh, yeah! Way to go, studly.
Looks like Larry's still going out with that Weeble.
That girl wobbles but she don't fall down.
Hey, where are you off to? I'm meeting Brenda.
We're going to the movies.
Oh, and, um, her parents said that she could stay over tonight.
Okay, fine.
Just be home on time.
I will.
She has to call them from here by 11:00.
It's the only way they let her stay over.
They don't trust her, huh? No, actually, they don't trust you.
What? Why not? I guess they, think that you and Mom aren't exactly the best parents.
They said that? No.
Actually, they said you suck.
What's that about? I don't want strangers to think we suck at raising our kids.
It's bad enough that we think we suck.
Brenda's parents are really overprotective.
Forget about them we may not be the best parents, but we're fine.
Fine? No.
I'd say we're bordering on pretty good.
What was that? Oh, that must be Mike playing with his BB gun.
His what? Ah, you know, he's been begging me for one, so I finally got it for him.
Dave! Why didn't you ask me first? Same reason I never asked her for a three-way.
She would've just said no.
You know, my dad got me one when I was his age.
It's like a rite of passage.
You know? It's the same thing as when you got Hillary a training bra.
Yeah, except I don't know any girls who lost an eye playing with a training bra.
It's totally different.
Is it? You know, I got Mike something that holds little BB's, and you got Hillary something that holds little boobies.
What the hell was that? Are you okay? I'm fine, but this bird is kind of dead.
You shot a bird? Uh, just relax, Vicky.
It was obviously an accident.
A bird must've, what, Mike? Flown in front of the can, which is the only thing you're allowed to shoot at, right? No.
I just shot it.
Let's just hope this kid never has to go to court for anything.
Look, it's not a big deal.
It is a big deal, Dave.
He killed something.
Look, it was a pigeon.
Oh, what would we do without pigeons? Who would eat all the stale bread crbs and spread disease? Look, he knows what he did wasrong, he felt bad, end of story.
Yeah? Or it could be the beginning of the story, and the end is, "Gee, he seemed like "such a nice neighbor I don't know how all those people ended up in his freezer.
" This show is so full of it.
The one taxi cab that has hidden cameras just happens to be the one that everyone's having sex in? Hey, you know what's even more unrealistic? The cabdriver speaks English.
Brenda and I are home.
Good night, Mr.
and Mrs.
Good night.
Hey, hey, Hillary, come back here and give your dad a kiss good night.
Come here.
That's my patented kiss-sniff test.
I can smell tobacco, alcohol, pot or boys.
If Hillary wants to get away with something, she better do it during allergy season.
All clear.
N ight.
Please! I've been on to that kiss-sniff test since I was 13.
That's why I always carry perfume, gum, Altoids and Febreze.
Hello? Hey, hi, Arlene.
Yeah, no, the kids just got home.
Yeah, they're fine.
No, they're just watching TV in Hillary's room.
Yeah, of course we have a V-chip Okay.
Talk to you soon.
Brenda's mom? Yeah.
Hey, what the hell's a V-chip? It's something that stops kids from watching sex and violence on TV.
Without the sex and violence, who the hell would want to watch TV? Those people worry too much.
No What are you two doing? Go away.
Close your robe.
Ew! Oh, God! Oh, my God, you're drunk.
We just had a little sip.
Yeah, we're sip-faced.
That was really good.
Larry, Larry, you better not tell Mom and Dad, or I'll kill you.
I don't like you when you're drunk.
I don't like you when I'm sober.
I have to pee.
Hey, where have I seen you before? I live in this house.
I'm your best friend's brother.
No, no, no, you have lunch fourth period.
You're dating that Marla girl, right? Yeah.
You're kind of cute.
You could do better.
I could? You're funny.
Come here.
Okay, turns out Marla may not be the best kisser in the world after all.
Wait right here.
I'm gonna go find Hillary, and when she falls asleep, I'll be back.
Oh, I'll be waiting.
Dave Dave Come on, Vicky, I can't do it again so soon.
I just heard Mike screaming I think he's having a nightmare.
Oh, yeah? Good to know.
Don't you think we should check on him, make sure he's okay? Yeah, that's a good idea.
You go do that, okay? I have a better idea.
How about the parent who bought him the BB gun, which probably gave him the nightmare, deals with it? You know, I like it when you get all aggressive, baby.
You know what? I think I am ready to go again.
A-And then the daddy pigeon goes to get the food, and he never comes back.
And then the mommy pigeon says, "Daddy pigeon is dead, daddy pigeon is dead.
" Man, I wish I was that daddy pigeon right now.
You woke me up for this? It was just a stupid pigeon.
That I murdered.
Mike, Mike, don't be so hard on yourself, okay? Life is all about making mistakes and learning from them.
Go back to bed.
Dad? Will you stay with me until I fall asleep? No.
All right.
You asleep yet? Try it.
Oh, no, I am not! Hey, what are you girls doing up slate? Nothing.
We're just hanging out.
Do you want something eat? Or drink? Oh, my God, you're drunk.
No, I'm not.
I am.
You want to tell me what you were thinking? Oh, God oh, God Oh! God! Okay, um, maybe we're a little drunk.
Mickey Rooney's a little drunk.
You're plastered.
Hey, what's going on Is someone sick? Yeah.
It's called the "Absolut flu.
" Great.
The one day I decide to mop.
Where do you get the nerve drinking right under our nose? Forget it.
I'll deal with you in the morning when you're sober enough to remember what we're saying.
Dave, take the girls upstairs.
I-I-I can't even look at them.
'Kay, fine, I'll do it.
You clean up the puke.
Okay, I'm taking you ladies to bed.
Last time I said that to two drunk girls, I was about to have a lot more fun.
You know, I'm still so pissed at Hillary.
Don't worry about it today's payback time.
Do you think we're handling this right? Look, all I know is, when I was her age and my parents caught me drinking, my father beat my ass and made me stay at home every weekend with them.
How that work? Vick, you spent time with my parents, right? It made me want to drink even more.
You feeling better, huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine now.
What are you doing? You love corned beef hash.
Yeah, about that I've decided to become a vegetarian.
What did you say to him last night? I said, "You'll never get over this unless you become a vegetarian.
" What do you think I said? I said, "Go back to bed and leave me alone.
" You know, this never would've happened if you hadn't have bought him that BB gun.
It's not the end of the world, Vicky.
Oh, "Dear Abby, my son wants to eat vegetables.
What should I do? Signed, Clueless Mother in New York.
" Great.
So now I'm supposed to make two different meals every day? Come on.
How much work can it be? The kid wants to eat vegetables.
It's not that big of a deal.
I'm glad you think so.
Because you'll be the one doing it.
Tell me the recipe for making broccoli.
Oh, yeah, broccoli.
How you feeling, ladies? Awful.
You know what you girls need? A good hearty breakfast.
Here you go.
Eggs over easy.
Nice and runny, just the way you like 'em.
Ooh, that looks so yummy.
Hey, look, check it out.
It kind of looks like what Brenda left on the floor last night.
Oh, God, no, please.
Oh, here, sweetie, let me get you something else.
I found my old whistle.
Let me see if it works.
Okay, okay, okay.
Please I couldn't feel any worse than I already feel.
I don't know about that.
Please, I have a terrible headache.
Yeah, this is why 16-year-olds shouldn't drink.
Yeah, because it's illegal, and it's bad for your health.
Yeah, it's dangerous and it impairs your judgment.
Yeah, you know, you girls aren't that smart in the first place.
You get drunk, you're even stupider.
We will not put up with you drinking.
Yeah, if you do it again, you're in big trouble.
Big trouble.
Big, big, big trouble, okay? I hope throwing up half the night was a good enough lesson for you.
Yeah, it was.
Try this again, I'm going to send you down to my parents' house.
Try doing that down there.
You know what's going to happen to you? Old school, you know what I'm talking about? What about me? Are you going to tell my parents? If we do that, they're going to think we're even worse parents than they already think.
But it's sort of irresponsible not to tell them.
I guess we don't have a choice.
No, we're not going to tell them anything.
Oh, my God.
What the hell is she doing with her tongue? It's like she's trying to start a car.
Let's face it she's no Brenda.
I think it's time that Larry traded up.
You're like the best kisser ever.
Yeah We need to talk.
Well, cooking for ke wasn't the great mystery you made it out to be.
What's cheap, easy to make and every kid loves? Mac and cheese.
I stopped off at the Savings Club.
I don't have to shop for the kid for a year.
If he lives that long.
Mike, your dinner's ready.
What do you mean, no? No.
See, that's not going to work for me.
There's rennet in the cheese.
What the hell is rennet? It's an enzyme made from cows' intestines.
What the hell do you care? The cow's already dead.
How do you know he's not an organ donor? Dad, I'm sorry, I can't eat it.
Aw, come on.
Do you know how long it took me to make this? Four minutes.
Good thing you stocked up.
Hey, uh can I ask you guys a question? You know all that stuff that you said the other night about drinking? If it's so dangerous, then how come you guys do it? Because we're adults.
And we know how to drink responsibly.
That's why there's a drinking age and a voting age and a having sex age.
Which for you is never.
No, I'm done with drinking.
But if it's so unhealthy and bad for you, then what difference does it make how old you are? You know what? You make a good point.
She does? Yes.
And you know what? >From now on no one in this house will drink.
Really? Yes.
Really? Yes.
What that hell was that about? You know, maybe this whole drinki thing was partially our fault.
It was our vodka.
You know, maybe we shouldn't drink while the kids live here.
Come on, Vicky, we drink because the kids live here.
Do we have to do it in their face? She's right, we're setting a bad example.
Aw, come on.
Just because she got drunk, doesn't mean we can't drink.
That's not fair.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I go to work, I make a living.
If I want to come home and have a beer, my 16-year-old daughter isn't going to tell me I can't.
No, but your wefe is.
Brenda, hi.
You look great.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, I was going to give you a call.
Why? Thought maybe we could hang out.
Why? Remember? We made out in the garage while you were drinking with Hillary? Oh, God, that did happen.
Wow, drinking really does impair your judgment.
I-I-I thought you said I was cute.
You said I could do better than Marla.
Well, you probably can, but not as good as me.
I am very disappointed in you.
What? Technically, I'm not in the house.
Okay, it was a stupid plan.
That's what I said when you came up with it.
Listen, I made a terrible mistake, and I don't know what I was thinking.
It's okay.
I'm not mad at you, Larry.
So we can get back tother? No, that's not going to happen.
I alady told Doug Bushell I'd go out with him.
Maybe one last kiss to say good-bye? Hmm I don't really think that would be fair to Doug.
Plus, Larry kisses like he's bobbing for apples.
Aren't the Osters cool? Not only did they drive, but they paid.
I feel like I should have put out.
Hey, how many margaritas did you have? Let me see Uno dos four.
Shh, mellow out.
The kids are home.
Oh, man, you know, they're always home.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, you want to get some ice cream? God, you're such a pig.
Okay, maybe a little.
I had so much fun with you tonight.
Who is it? Gordon and Arlene.
It's Brenda's parents.
Okay, okay, straighten up.
What are you doing here? We're here to get Brenda.
Brenda's not here.
She just called and asked us to pick her up.
Oh, well, then I guess she is here.
Come on in.
We were just going to have some ice cream.
Or if you want, you know, I could fix us some mac and cheese.
You know, it'll only take four minutes.
Have you been, um drinking? No, we weren't drinking.
We just had a couple of margaritas.
We went out for some fexican mood.
I'm sorry I mean fexican mood.
They're drunk.
This is why I don't like Brenda coming over here.
Maybe we should just get Brenda and go.
No, no, no, no.
What's that supposed to mean, huh? Just because we're not all neurotic and overprotective like you doesn't mean we're not good parents, too.
You didn't even know our daughter was here.
Who knows at could have happened while you were out.
Oh, yeah? Well, it couldn't have been any worse than what happened when we were here.
Your little angel got plastered the other night and threw up all over the kitchen floor.
And the hallway floor.
And she even got some on my wife.
What?! You're right, you're right.
He's drunk.
He's very drunk.
He doesn't even know what he's saying.
Dave! And you didn't think to tell us about this? No, no, look, we took care of everything, okay? She made breakfast.
I blew a whistle.
It was all handled.
Hi, Mom, hi, Dad.
Brenda, let's go.
We're leaving right now.
Bye, Mr.
and Mrs Brenda, now.
And from now on, if the girls are going to be spending time together, they're going to do it at our house.
All right, not a problem, Arlene.
Hey, if I were you, I'd get your mop and bucket ready.
I can't believe you guys.
You said you weren't going to drink.
That was two days ago.
Are you done yet? I can't even look at you guys.
You're totally embarrassing.
Now, are you done? It's always "do as I say" All right, okay, okay, we obviously let you off the hook too easy.
For the next two weeks, you're not coming, you're not going you're not nothing.
We shut you down.
For what?! For drinking? -Because I said I'm not going to do that anymore.
-No, not just for drinking.
For flapping your lips too much, flappy.
Get out of here.
Go to your room.
While you're up there, why don't you think about the fact that you're the kid, we're the parents.
Yeah, big mouth.
What a buzz kill.
Yeah, it's not even like we're that drunk.
Hey, don't forget in the morning, we got to pick up our car from the restaurant.
Here you go, Mike.
I made you some bulgur wheat, Tabbouleh and I don't know what that stuff is, but it was never alive.
What exactly are you eating there? Vealm hero.
Veal?! Do you know what veal is? They're baby calves that are kept in their cages until they're slaughtered.
Yeah, I know.
I think it's the cage that makes it taste so good.
Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? There might be some cow intestines in that cheese.
Who cares.
The cow's not using it.
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