The War at Home s02e01 Episode Script

Back to School

The first day of school.
When you're a kid, it's the worst day of the year.
When you're a parent, it's the Fourth of July, New Year's Eve and your birthday all rolled into one.
In fact,I just some back-to-school supplies.
You know,today's the first time in months that all the kids are going to be out of the house at once.
I know.
What,you got allergies? No,that's my sexy look.
Oh.
You probably didn't recognize it without my trademark wiggle.
Oh,yeah.
Hell,you know what I'm talking about.
You see how it goes this way, and then I bring it back that way.
As much of a turn-on as that is, I can't be late for work.
Neither can I.
Which is why we're meeting back here for a nooner.
What? You have time to come home for sex, but you don't have time to stop last night at the Costco? Well,I would have, if you had met me there and had sex with me.
Noon,huh? Yep.
Okay,I'm in.
Oh,look how cute you look your first day of high school.
Cute? No,no,no, I don't need cute.
I need cool.
Do I look cool? Do I? Relax,you're going to be fine.
Yeah,you're going to be fine.
You're handsome, you're funny.
You're just like me.
Besides,you've got a girlfriend so you're miles ahead of every other freshman.
And some juniors.
If anyone bothers you, just come find me.
I know all the good hiding places.
Yeah,um look, about that,Larry.
Since we're going to be in the same school together, let's go over the ground rules,okay? I don't know you, you don't know me.
Got it? Aw,it seems like just yesterday I had the same conversation with Larry on his first day of high school.
Time really flies.
Yeah,well, this is a new year.
A clean slate.
And I have decided to reinvent myself.
I am changing my name.
Oh,come on, don't be an idiot,Larry.
You mean, "Don't be an idiot,Gideon.
" Gideon? You're going to change your name to Gideon? Where they hell did you come up with that? * I'm G-I-D to the E-O-N * * I'm a star,I'm Gideon * * "G," who's that? * * "I" don't know,"D" duh, it's Gideon * * I'm Gideon * * "E"- gad,look there * * "O" so cool * * "N" now it's clear * * Gideon's here.
* I don't know,I didn't really give it muchchhought.
Knock yourself out,kid.
I'll see you later.
Right.
And don't be late.
Otherwise I'm going to have to start without you.
Well,you usually finish without me.
Where are you,Vicky? All right,well, don't be late.
Every second that you're late, I'm deducting from the foreplay section.
All right, I'll see you in a second.
Wh-what the hell are you doing home? What are you doing home? And why are your pants not on? Uh,maybe we should go.
Yeah,yeah,you know what, get the hell out of here, you little juvenile delinquents.
At least I'm wearing pants.
Come here.
No,come here.
You cut the first day of school? The first day? Okay,hurry, I don't have a lot of time.
Oh! She cut the first day of school?! That's gross.
All right,all right, that's enough out of you.
Go wait in the car.
I'm driving you to school.
I'll be there in 42 minutes.
The thrill is gone.
proudly presents Season 02 Episode 01 "Back to school" So,how was your first day of school? It was great.
I mean,I don't know what I was so worried about.
I didn't even see Larry once.
I remember my first day of high school like it was yesterday.
Do you want to tell me what this was doing in your locker? Dude,your tie is,like, really blue right now.
The best part- there were all these hot new girls there from the other junior high.
Yeah,be careful there,prime time.
You don't want to get your girlfriend Heidi,jealous.
Oh,Heidi's not going to be the problem,Dad.
Because I'm going to break up with her.
Hey,honey,we got to talk about Hillary.
Yeah,yeah,I know.
Hey,uh,did you know that Mike is planning on breaking up with Heidi? No.
I haven't had a chance to read his MySpace page yet today.
You know,I'm friends with her dad.
You know,maybe I should call him and give him a heads-up.
Why? I like Jeff.
He's funny he's a good guy,you know,he's good at basketball, but you know,not as good as me.
I like spending time with him.
Oh,how cute.
You have a man crush.
What are you talking about? You're afraid if Mike breaks up with Heidi, Jeff will break up with you.
Oh,don't be ridiculous.
I don't have a man crush.
I just like spending time with him.
You know,he's a good guy.
We have a good time together,and He's got a really hot ass.
I don't look at his ass.
I don't know what it looks like.
It's not a man crush.
Weirdo.
Do us all a favor and just stay out of Mike's business.
I mean,one thing that our kids are really good at is screwing up their own lives.
They don't need help from you.
Except for Hillary.
We've got to sit her down and have a serious talk.
She's a senior.
If she doesn't get it together, what kind of future is she going to have? Okay,come here.
Grandpa is going to take care of you.
Yes.
Mama's got to go to work at the strip club.
That's right- Mama's boobies aren't just for you.
No,they're not.
Mama's boobies are everyone's boobies.
Oh,it's okay.
Oh,it's okay.
Yes.
See,I should have made her study more.
Hey,Hill Hey! What do you think you're doing?! Uh Uh! I tell you to stay in your room and you sneak out? Actually,I wasn't sneaking out, I was sneaking back in.
But they don't need to know that.
You know,maybe if you started buckling down instead of screwing up you could do something with your life.
Unless you want to grow up to be a stripper.
But if you do,let me tell you something, you'd better find a strip club that has day care 'cause I'm not babysitting for you.
I though you weren't supposed to leave your room.
Oh,I thought you weren't supposed to be such a huge dork now that you've reinvented yourself Gidget.
Gideon.
I'm Gideon.
What are you doing out of your room? You know what,that's it.
I'm taking away your BlackBerry,your Blueberry the whole fruit bowl.
All right,now go upstairs and don't come down until I tell you to.
Roll your eyes at me one more time, I'm taking those away,too.
You know,maybe you should think about changing your name, 'cause "Dad" doesn't seem to be getting too much respect around here.
Mike,let me ask you a question.
Why are you breaking up with Heidi anyway? I don't know.
You don't know? That seems like a crappy reason to end a relationship with a very, very nice girl.
Look, if you must know, okay, it's been three months and I haven't even gotten to second base.
Not even over the shirt? All right, well, well, look, here's the thing.
All right, what's the rush? I mean, you know how long it took me to get to second base with your mother? What'd you say your name was again, sweetheart? Look, Dad, please, just leave me along, okay? I already made up my mind.
I'm breaking up with her.
Fine, fine.
Whatever.
I'm just letting you know that it's a proven fact that the longer you stay with somebody the harder it is for her to say no to you.
- Hey, Vick, grab me a soda.
- Nah, get it yourself.
Shut up.
At least I'm getting to second base tonight.
No, it's just, you know, I'm really worried about Hillary.
I mean, what if she doesn't get into college, right? I mean, I've got to figure out a way to get through to her.
Game.
You know, maybe college isn't the end-all, be-all anyway.
The only thing I learned in college was that drunk, fat girls are easy.
Valuable lesson, but not worth ten grand a semester.
That's true, Jeff.
That's true.
So Heidi's birthday is next Friday and we're surprising her with Green Day tickets.
I was going through her e-mails, and I found out that's what she really wanted.
Yeah? Well, that and me dead.
Wow, man, you're going to make me look bad.
You know, for Mike's birthday, we just let him pick the toppings for his pizza.
Uh, by the way, we want Mike to come to the concert, too.
Look, if I tell you something you, uh you promise it won't affect our friendship? What am I, a girl? Listen, um Mike's, um he's planning on breaking up with Heidi.
- He's breaking up with her? - Yeah.
- That sucks.
- Yeah.
But we're good, right? Oh, no.
Maybe I do have a man crush.
- Where you been? - I was with Heidi.
I hope you let her down easy.
Uh, actually, no.
I changed my mind- I'm not breaking up with her.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
W- W-What do you mean you're not breaking up with her? Well, I thought about what you said and you made some really good points.
Me? Nah, come on, I don't know anything.
I don't know anything about relationships.
If you don't believe me, go ask your mother, or any other woman I've known.
If you've ever been involved in a relationship with Dave Gold call the number at the bottom of the screen.
You may be entitled to compensation.
Se habla Espanol.
Look, Dad, I thoug you'd be happy about this.
Well, I'm not.
If you say you're going to break up with her, I expect you to break with her.
Now go upstairs and call her and kick her to the curb.
What, do you have money on this, Dad? Why do you suddenly care? Because, Mike, because.
This is indicative of a much bigger problem.
This is a commitment issue.
If you say you're going to make a commitment, I expect you to stick to it.
I'm not breaking up with her, Dad, okay? Leave me alone now.
Fine.
Fine, fine.
Have it your way quitter.
Hey, Jeff.
Dave here.
Listen, we-we got a situation.
Yeah.
No, there's been a little a little bit of a misunderstanding.
What's all that noise? It's Heidi- she's not taking the news so well.
Uh, can I call you back, Dave? Yeah.
No, that's fine.
That's-that's fine.
You tell Mike that I am going to make his life a living hell.
He has screwed with the wrong girl.
Okay, okay, sweetie, I'll give him the message.
Hey, hey, do me a favor, Heidi, ask your father if we're still on for golf tomorrow because I want Hello? Hello? Hey, Mike, listen, uh, there's something I need to tell you.
Have a good day at school tomorrow.
Why would you tell Jeff that Mike is breaking up with Heidi? - I got lost in the moment.
- Really? Are you sure you didn't get lost in his eyes? What was I supposed to do? One minute Mike says he's breaking up with her, and the next minute, he's not? I mean, wh-what's with that? Honey, they're just kids.
Nah.
Besides, everybody in the course of a relationship thinks about breaking up at one point or another you don't actually go through with it.
No, they don't.
I haven't.
You haven't.
What, you've actually thought about breaking up with me? Honey, I share a bathroom with you.
I think about breaking up with you every morning.
No, no, seriously, tell me, have you actually thought about breaking up with me? Because I can't think of one reason why anyone would want to break up with me.
Trust me, there have been situations.
Yeah? Well, tell me one.
How about the time when I was pregnant with Hillary, and my water broke, and your first instinct was to criticize me because I ruined the upholstery of your Camaro.
It was a new car! I- I can't believe you stand there and you look at me and you actually had fantasies about leaving me and the kids.
No, no, not the kids; just you.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, what we have here is evidence of some very hostile feelings towards me.
- Come on.
You never once - No, come on.
thought about breaking up with me? No.
I'm in this for the ng haul, baby.
I said "Till death do us part," and that's what I meant.
Ladies, please, please, have some respect, okay? The coffin's still open.
Now, where were we? Oh, yeah.
Oh, hey.
Pour me a cup.
And if I don't, what are you gonna do, break up with me? How about now? What about now? Ha-ha! What about now? Ha-ha, ha-ha! Okay I think you should give me my phone back.
I've really been thinking a lot about what you said about school and college and my future and everything.
That's good.
And what conclusion did you come to? Yeah, what conclusion, sweetie? That you guys worry way too much.
I mean, you just need to chill out, because I'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
You're not getting your phone back.
Yeah, or your Side Tooth.
I- I don't know where she gets it.
I don't understand, I mean, we set a good example, we go to work every day, we pay our bills on time.
It's got to be her, because there's nothing wrong with the other two.
* I'm G-I-D to the E-O-N, I'm a star! * * I'm Gideon, I'm Gideon * Hey, hey! What are you wearing? Is that my scarf? No.
It's an ascot.
* I'm G-I-D to the E-O-N, I'm a star! * Well, the "ass" part sounds about right.
Hey-hey-hey, boss.
How was, uh.
.
how was the, uh, regional managers' meeting? It ended early.
I- I could see that.
Look, Dave I think we should have a little talk.
Do we have to? Dave.
Okay, fine, fine, fine.
Look we both know you have the ability, but let's face it, you don't put in enough effort.
You really need to buckle down, Dave.
We're talking about your future here.
Why does this speech sound so familiar? Oh, no.
Look, um, I think I've been putting too much pressure on you with all this talk about grades and college.
You know, I think we need to lower the bar a little.
Where's this coming from? Let's just say I had a little realization today.
You see you're pretty much lazy and unmotivated and you don't follow through on things, and basically, well you're me.
I'm you? Carbon copy.
But you'll be okay.
You know, you'll skate by.
You know, you'll get a job in insurance, you know, like me.
It's not glamorous or exciting, but, you know, if I could do it, you can do it.
'Cause, well, you're Like you? Exactly.
Oh, my God, if I don't get my act together I'm gonna end up with a bald spot and a beer gut.
- Where are you going? - To study! Hey.
Hey, hey, Mike.
How you doing? How do you think I'm doing? Good? Heidi broke up with me, Dad.
How could you do that to me? You know, I was in a bad position, you know? I- I didn't want Jeff to be mad at me.
Oh, I get it- so you chose Heidi's father over me.
Don't judge.
At my age, it's easier to make a new kid than a new friend.
She trashed me to every girl in school.
Thanks to you, Larry's gonna do better with girls than I am.
His name's Gideon! - What? - Can I talk to you? - I have nothing to say to you.
- Please, come on, don't I deserve a chance to explain myself? Please? Fine.
You got two minutes.
Okay, listen, Heidi, look, this is the thing, I mean, look, this whole thing, this is all my fault.
You see, what happened was is, your father, he wanted to get Mike an extra ticket for the Green Day concert for your birthday.
They're taking me to see Green Day? Oh, yeah, it was kind of goa be a surprise.
He read that's what you really want in your e-mails.
He reads my e-mails?! That's neither here nor there.
The point is, is that, you know, you and Mike, you guys are good, you know? It was a mistake, u know, but he changed his mind.
Well, that's too bad- I can't trust him anymore.
He ruined everything.
So that's it? Huh? This is all his fault? Let me tell you something, sweetie.
Relationships are a two-way street, you know? You know, maybe you need to take some responsibility for this, too.
- I didn't do anything wrong.
- Really? You're in high school now.
Huh? I mean, does second base really have to be off the table? I am not comfortable discussing this with you.
Listen, Heidi, he has he has very, very strong feelings for you.
Very, very strong.
- He said that? - Yeah, he said that.
He has a lot of feelings- I mean, I think it might even be love.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, what do you say? Come on, just let's give him one more chance, please? Well okay, I guess so.
Good, good.
I'm so glad we straightened this out.
I feel so much better, don't you? Dave? What the hell are you doing with my daughter? Anyone out there want to be my friend? anybody? Hey, Dave, did you pick up the dry cleaning? And what if I didn't? What are you gonna do, break up with me? All right, enough is enough.
Get over here.
You listen to me.
I am never, ever gonna break up with you.
You're the love of my life.
Oh.
So what you're saying is, you have a man crash on me.
Absolutely, honey.
Hi, Dad.
Uh-uh-uh, I forgot to tell you, my name's no longer "Dad.
" From now on, my name's "Let Me Get You a Beer.
" That way every time you see me, you can say, "Hi, Let Me Get You a Beer.
" For your information, I'm not Gideon anymore.
It turns out there's this Israeli transfer student named Gideon, and he thought I was mocking him, so he kind of kicked my ascot.
Oh, well, you know what, to tell you the truth, you know, I was, uh, actually missing the old Larry.
Really? Thanks, Dad.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Thanks, Let Me Get You a Beer.
I would love one.
Hey, Mike, I got great news.
Get ready to not be mad at me anymore.
- Oh, I'm not mad at you now.
- You're not? Nah, it turns out all the girls felt really bad for me, and they said Heidi didn't deserve me.
Long story short, I got a new girlfriend.
We already went to second.
During study hall.
Oh-ho-ho, I love high school! A new girlfriend? That-that that's great! Yeah.
It is.
So, uh, what did you want to tell me? Have a good day at school tomorrow.