The War at Home s02e04 Episode Script

Car Wars

Isn't it pretty out? It's the kind of day when you realize you're just lucky to be alive.
You're not getting a car.
What? I wasn't What, what? What am I, an idiot, huh? I-I've seen "deep and delightful" Hillary.
I've seen "likes what I like" Hillary.
And I've seen, "Ooh, Daddy, have you been working out?" Hillary.
And none of you's are getting a car.
Aw, come on, Dad, I deserve one.
Hillary, Hillary, your grades stink, you break curfew all the time, and you don't help out at all around here.
I'm gonna give you keys to a car? No, you're lucky I don't run you over with a car.
Fine.
But just so you know, all my other friends have a car and you're gonna look like the worst father in the world.
Wow.
This ich an honor, nine years in a row.
I don't know what to say.
I-I-I have to thank my kids, um What the hell are their names? Oh, who cares about them? Tonight, it's about me.
Mom, will you tell Dad to at least think about getting me a car? Sorry, honey, your Dad and I are a united front.
Whatever he says, goes for me, too.
Thank you.
Yeah.
You should probably get her a car.
What? Yeah, before you know it, she'll be going off to college.
And, it'll be better for her to learn the responsibility of driving while we're still around.
I guess you've got a point.
Plus, I know of an eight-year old Volvo station wagon she could have.
All we'd have to do is buy the current owner a new car.
Like, maybe a new Lexus.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Let me explain something to you--bottom line, nobody's getting any new cars around.
Okay, fine.
But do you know how bad my car makes you look? Wow, I I only wrote one speech because I did not expect this.
You hate me.
You really, really hate me.
- Hi, Larry.
- Hey, Heidi.
So, how's your brother? I haven't spoken to him since we broke up.
You big lucky.
Maybe I should break up with him.
You're funny.
Mike's not funny at all.
Neither is your dad.
Am I crazy, or is my brother's ex-girlfriend flirting with me? I better put a stop to this.
So you want to go out sometime? Like I'm gonna get Hillary a car.
Give me a break.
Well, if you do I'd have her sign one of those car contracts.
What's that? You know, where the parents and the kids sign a contract so the kid doesn't drink and drive, always wears a seatbelt-- that kind of thing.
Huh, and if she doesn't follow the rules just take the car away.
Yeah.
Those contracts could save a kid's life.
Yeah.
And more importantly, for the price of a used car I could pretty much own her ass.
Ha Joe, you're brilliant.
Where'd you come up with that one? They talked about it for two hours last week at that seminar on teenage insurance.
Nah, I must've missed that.
You sat next to me.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Jennifer with the curly hair and hot body gave the presentation.
Oh, that was a good meeting.
And she has to maintain B average or we take the car away.
Good one, yeah.
Oh, and if she misses curfew and comes in a minute past 12:30, we take the car away.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why 12:30? We're rewriting the rules.
New curfew: 11:30.
And if she doesn't like it, we take the car away.
Hey, you know who I hate? That pothead Charlie guy she's been hanging out with.
Oh, well, in that case I say we add a no-Charlie clause.
Huh? Sorry, Charlie.
Now all we have to do is find her a cheap, safe used car that we can take away from her.
Yeah.
Hey, my Mom mentioned that she wants to sell her car.
I already took her daughter off her hands.
When does it end? The War at Home: Episode 4 Psst.
Dad.
Dad.
I need to have a man-to-man talk.
All right, well, wake me up when the other man gets here.
I-I-I asked out Mike's ex-girlfriend and I feel really guilty about it.
Good.
You should.
You can't go out with your brother's ex.
That's guy code.
It's bros before hos.
But Heidi's not a ho.
I'm pretty sure that's the reason Mike broke up with her in tirst place.
Look, Larryyou guys barely get along as it is.
Okay, you don't want to piss each other off, you know.
Because then resentments build up, and one day you're at your brother's wedding and you're giving a drunken toast and you think you're being funny, but you're actually calling your brother's new wife a fat cow.
But I really like Heidi.
Larry, if there's one thing I know about it's how to ruin a relationship with a brother.
All right, if you don't believe me, ask your Uncle Eric.
I have Uncle Eric? Larry, I know what I'm talking about, all right, but if you want another opinion ask your mother.
Vicky.
You awake? If I let him know I'm awake, he'll want to have sex.
Oh, crap, now I have to pee.
Man, she's a sound sleeper.
Look, I know she would back me up on this, all right? You can't go out with her.
Fine.
I guess I'll just hang out with you and Mom every Saturday night for the rest of my life.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You would let me finish.
Look, you can't go out with her unless you ask Mike.
All right, if he's okay with it, fine.
But if not then leave her alone.
Okay.
I can do that.
Thanks, Dad.
Anytime.
And by "anytime" I mean before 10:00 p.
m.
during the week, All right, Betty, so, uh how much you want for it? Dave, I don't know anything about cars.
I we're family.
Just make me a fair offer.
Okay.
How about 2500.
How about you shove it up your (bleep)? I mean, that's not even close to Blue Book.
No way.
Forget it, no deal.
Seems like a small price to pay to get complete control of your daughter.
Plus, I've got to get rid of it.
I was involved in a small hit-and-last week.
Ok.
All right.
$3,500, but that's my final offer.
Fine.
But we say that the car is from both of us.
And tell Vicky when I come over for dinner, she can't make that eggplant Parmesan anymore.
Unless she's trying to kill me.
Fine.
Okay.
Deal.
And just for the record, Dave, it's not about the money.
I just want my granddaughter to be happy.
Aww.
Cash, right? F-Funny story Mike, so I ran into your ex-girlfriend, Heidi, and I asked her out and she said yes.
- F-Funny story, all right? - Why are you telling me? I don't care.
Oh, okay.
Great, thanks, Mike.
Thanks a lot.
What? W-What's so funny? Nothing.
I mean, you do know that the only reason she's going out with you is to make me jealous, right? What? You think that's only reason she go out with me.
No, no, no.
I mean, she maybe needs citizenship or kidney.
Maybe she is going out with me cause I'm the funny brother and you're funny at all.
You'll see.
It has nothing to do with you.
So, thaa-da! Yeah, if I were you, I'd say thaa-da for the first time she sees you with your pants off.
It won't help the disapointment, but at least she'll still think you're funny, right? What's so important? Sweetie, ask me for a car.
No we've play these game before, Daddy.
"Ask me for a car.
" "Can I have a car?" "No.
" It's not funny, it's just cruel.
Oh, come on, sweetie-- this time, it'll be different, I promise.
Go ahead, ask me.
Can I have a car? Hell, no.
What? Just kidding.
I'm just kidding you, sweetie.
Look, we decided to give you your grandmother's old car.
It's true.
Oh, my God.
Thank you, Grandma! Oh, sweetie.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for my granddaughter.
No, no, sweetie, the car is from all of us.
And by all of us, I mean mostly me.
Thanks, guys.
You're welcome.
Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
Not so fast.
There's one condition.
Okay, I'm bored.
I'll go and see about dinner.
What are we having, anyway? Eggplant Parmesan.
Yum.
What is it? Ask me anything, just name it.
Okay, if you want the car, you have to sign this.
What's that? A car contract.
It's things that you'll agree to do if you want to keep the car.
Now, I'd look at it very carefully, 'cause Keys, please.
Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup What? You're in violation of the contract.
What do you mean? I haven't even gotten in the car yet.
Yeah, it says very explicitly that we have final wardrobe approval, and that's not a skirt, sweetie.
That's an invitation.
Which brings us to safety.
Seat belts and underwear must be worn at all times.
I w uh, running errands? Mm-hmm.
Carpooling-- this is ridiculous.
Sorry, it's my way or no highway.
Wait.
Sweetie, I-I forgot to tell you, we also-- we got you your own gas credit card.
Really? Hell, no.
Wow, Lifetime Achievement Award.
But I'm still so young.
This is great.
Mike is so wrong.
Heidi totally likes me.
And quite frankly, what's not to like? I rock.
Hey, hey, h-hey, Heidi-ho.
Miss me much? You wish, shorty.
I-I'm sorry about that; he can be Forget about him.
Let's just keep watching the movie, okay, Mike? I meanLarry.
God, I'm sorry.
It's okay, um, e-everyone makes mistakes, right? Doesn't mean anything.
Oh, my God, Mike's right.
Heidi doesn't like me.
And quite frankly, what's to like? I suck.
Okay, maybe I'm wrong.
Or maybe she's just kissing me so that I think I'm wrong.
Oh, who cares? I have more than one tongue in my mouth.
Bye-bye, see you later.
Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
What? M-My homework's done, I deleted Pothead Charlie from my buddy list, and I'm dressed like a Hasidic girl.
I'm good to go, right? Yeah, you're good to go to the dentist to pick up your little brother.
Fine.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup While you're out, uh, stop by the drugstore for me.
I need some antifungal cream.
Don't worry, I don't have a fungus, but isn't this so much fun? Finally.
Ah House of Hunan took forever, and they were out of soda so I had to go to the supermarket; and there's horrible construction on Glencove Road, but it's here And still hot.
Where are the egg rolls? I guess they forgot them.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup I'll go back.
Isn't this car contract thing amazing? You were right.
It's like we have complete control over her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's the first Jewish slave in over 6,000 years and she works for us.
We are great parents.
Oh, look.
The egg rolls are here.
So, Larry, who's next on your list of inappropriate dates? I'm sure Dad probably has some ex-girlfriends.
Maybe they're available.
But wait, why stop there? Why not go out with Hillary? You know, she has a car now, so Hey, hey, Mike, d-did you ever have any trouble opening that double hook on Heidi's bra? Oh, wait, that's right, you never got that far.
You know what? Neither did you, you liar.
Yeah, that's right, I'm lying lying down with your ex-girlfriend.
Seriously, shut up.
You shut up.
Hey, you both shut up.
Yeah, and stop fighting, you two.
This is what I was afraid of, okay? Now, you figure out a way to settle this yourself or I'm going to settle it for you.
All right.
Okay, geez.
Now, who wants some fried rice? You know what? I don't want fried rice, because I have a girlfriend who really likes me, so I don't want fried rice.
I bet if I made out with the fried rice first, then you'd want some.
All right, stop, stop, okay? Now, look, Heidi was Mike's first girlfriend, so stop teasing him.
Ha.
And for all we know, Heidi could be Larry's last girlfriend, so you lay off.
Ha-ha! Hey, wait, what? Vicky? Vicky? Vicky! Aah! What? I'm not having sex.
No, no, I-I can't sleep.
It's this Mike and Larry thing.
You know, every time those two go at it, it reminds me that, uh, you know, maybe I'm not any better at this than my father was.
That's not true.
He would have drank a fifth of scotch and passed out watching The Tonight Show.
You're up and you're worrying about them.
That's progress.
Good night.
No, no, see, see, the problem was, you know, my father always used to get in the middle of everything, you know? That's why Eric and I-- w-we can't get along today, you know, we don't know how to work things out between the two of us.
Well, that, and he's a (bleep) idiot.
Dave, are we going to talk about this all night long? No, it's just sometimes, I start to think about the past a-and I get a little sad Hey, you want to have sex? Sure.
Okay.
All right, I'm going to the mall with Brenda.
I'll see you later.
Oh, good, I'm sure your grandmother will enjoy seeing her.
What? Yeah, you got to drive Grandma Betty to the podiatrist.
Anything else? No.
No.
Oh, you know, just wait there a couple of hours while they scrape off her bunions.
No.
Excuse me? I said no.
No? Well, then, I guess we could always rip up that car contract.
Good, do it.
Then we're just going to have to take away the car.
Fine.
W-W-W-What do you mean, "Fine"? D-Don't you mean "No, Daddy, I'll do anything.
Please don't take away my car"? No, take the car back.
I can't take this anymore.
I'm out.
But you love that car.
Yeah, and what about driving all your friends around and being the cool girl with her own car? What about Grandma's bunions? You can scrape them off yourself, for all I care.
I am done.
I'm going to go now, but I'll be sure to tell Pothead Charlie you guys said hello.
Bye.
Okay, Hillary, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, honey.
Come on.
Sweetheart I'm sure we can work something out.
Sweetie, come on, I'm sure we can come to some sort of compromise.
Come on, honey.
You're right.
Let's, let's compromise.
Yeah, let's come to some compromise.
Firstcurfew.
Not going to work for me.
Okay, I'm sure we can bump to 12:00.
Okay.
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup I'm thinking 12:30, and, uh, driving Mike and Larry around and, uh, running all your errands-- I wouldn't hold your breath.
All right, okay.
All right, Hillary, y-you know what? You know, let's just forget about compromising and forget about this, you know, silly little contract.
And you know what else you should forget about? What? Ever driving that car again.
You're done.
Wait a minute, um, midnight curfew could work.
No, no, no, no, no, it's too late, You're bossing us around.
I'm the bup-bup-bup guy, not you.
Oh, gosh! Good going, Moses, you just freed our only slave.
Hey, um, you know what would be fun? Uh, w-why don't we ask each other questions? You know, to get to know each other better, like "What's your favorite color?" that kind of thing.
Okay.
Okay, you go first.
Um, what's your favorite band? Coldplay.
Now, my turn.
Are you going out with me just to make my brother jealous so you can get him back? What? Uh there's no wrong answer, it's just for fun.
No, I'm not.
Really? Yes, really, I have no interest in ever going out with Mike again-- ugh! Yes! Hey, Mike, you get down here! I was right.
Heidi said that she wasn't going out with me to get you back.
She was going out with me because she likes me.
In your face! Go ahead, Heidi, tell him.
Uh, Larry, you didn't let me finish.
Uh-oh.
I'm not interested in you anymore either.
I mean, you were really funny that time at the pizza place, but lately, you just seem, I don't know, paranoid.
Paranoid? Now that's ridiculous.
Mike put you up to this, didn't he? You guys are already back together.
Tell me the truth.
I'm going to leave now.
See you at school.
Loser.
Y-You're the loser.
And you know what? Heidi was my girlfriend All right, all right, that's it.
That's it, stop it! Okay? I-I tried to stay out of this, b-b-but I can't.
Okay, you guys don't give me any choice.
Y-y-you're, you're both out of the Heidi business.
You can't date her and you can't date her.
All right, you're done, I shut you down.
Dad, she already No, I don't care.
That girl is bad news.
Okay, she has an itch for the men in this family and we have to cut her off before she moves on to me, comprende? All right, all right, fine.
Okay.
And another thing.
No father knows what the hell to do, so if you guys wind up hating each other's guts and having terrible relationship, it's not my fault.
On the other hand, if you end up close with a great relationship, you're welcome.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a fifth of scotch to drink.
Do you think that we should tell him that Heidi dumped the both of us, or let him think he helped? I mean, I say we get out of here before he notices the fifth of scotch is missing.
So, what do you want for it? Well, I don't know, since I, uh, gave you $3,500 for it on Wednesday, I was thinking, I don't know, 3,500? For this old heap? I'll give you 1,500.
What? Are-Are you crazy? Hey, everybody knows a car loses half its value the minute it's driven off the lot.
What lot, Betty? Th-This is my driveway.
Fine, in the interest of family harmony, I'll give you 2,000in installments.
Come on, Betty, w-why are you doing this to me? Is this about the eggplant Parmesan, huh? I mean, cut me some slack.
You know, I have to eat that crap, too.
All right, you win, I'll pay full price.
Thank you.
But I noticed some strange new scratches up front.
You're going to have to give it a whole new paint job.
That ought to keep the fuzz off my tail for a while.