The War at Home s02e06 Episode Script

Be Careful What You Ask For

Go ahead.
Open it.
I'm scared.
Oh, come on, I-It's just the SATs.
I mean, whenever you take a test, I'm happy as long as it doesn't turn out pink or blue.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, good? Or oh, my God, the only way you're gonna get into college is if we check "blind" and "Indian" on your application? Oh, my God! She got 1850! It's a miracle.
She did great.
Yeah.
Yes! I did great.
I did great.
You did great, sweetie.
We are so, so proud of you, sweetie.
Dad, you know, I-I feel really good about this.
You should.
Hey, maybe I should accomplish more things.
Yeah.
Or I could just, uh, go lay down for a while.
This calls for a celebration.
Hey, what do you say we take her out to a really nice restaurant? We never do that.
That's because up until now, she never did anything worth celebrating.
That's not true.
You did it, you did it.
You made a boom-boom on the toi-toi! You did it.
All right, so Friday night, let's take her out to a fancy dinner.
Okay, Friday night it is.
Ooh, which reminds me.
You're never going to believe this.
I ran into Tina and Mitch Lieberman at the grocery store, and they invited us over for dinner.
Really? Who cares? Don't you know what people say about them? I have it on very good authority that, uh, they're swingers.
Swingers? Like wife-swappers? They're poly-amorous? They're part of "the lifestyle"? Yes, and frankly, I'm a little concerned you seem to know all the lingo.
So what'd you tell them? I told them I'd let them know.
Well, what's to let them know? Well, I didn't know what else to say, I mean, but obviously, we're not going.
Good, good, 'cause I don't want to go either.
U-Unless you wanted to go.
No, no, I don't want to go.
Why, do you want to go? No, no, I-I, I would never let another man touch you.
Yeah, and I would never let another woman touch you.
Yeah, and I would never let another woman touch you.
Well, that's not true.
So just read through it and make sure you're comfortable with all the terms.
Dave, thanks for getting this policy together so quickly.
To be honest, Bob, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I didn't feel your family had the protection it needs, you know? Nothing's more important than family.
Dad? Not now, Larry, I'm working.
I just wanted to let you know I finished fixing your computer.
Just had to delete those temporary internet files.
There were a lot of pictures of Family! Lot of family pictures.
Well, anyway, it was nice meeting you, Mr.
Cooper.
What a great son you have.
Yeah, he's a, he's a great kid.
Hey, Dave, uh, is it okay if I ask you a little favor? Larry Larr.
What up, Larry? Who's my man? Who's my dog? Who's my boy? Mike.
I think he's in his room.
You crack me up, you.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Stop being nice to me.
Just tell me what's wrong.
Nothing is wrong.
Why are you always jumping to the worst-case scenario? Anyway, that client you just met, Bob, he thinks you're cute and, uh, he wants to know if you're free Friday night.
No.
Not for him.
He has a daughter, Tiffany.
She's your age.
Well, thank you, but I'll pass.
Come on, Larry, I-I need you to do this for me, okay? This could be a huge commission for me and it could lead to a lot of new business.
Look, if you do this for me, I'll, uh, I-I'll buy you that new Lord of the Rings chess set you've been whining about.
How about that? Okay.
Fine.
I'll do it for you.
Thank you.
What a sucker.
I would have gone anyway.
A date? I got a date.
Don't you study? I'm at an all-time new high score.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
No.
You're not.
You need to study.
You know, your sister just got an 1850 on her SATs.
Yup.
Wow, that's impressive.
Almost makes you wonder how she pulled it off.
Oh, Mike.
Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.
Green is not a pretty color on you, my friend.
Look, Dad, come on, all right.
She has crappy grades, she never studies, and then miraculously she does well on the SATs.
Y-You know, you're very cynical.
You know that? Yeah, I wonder where I get that from.
Okay.
So we're all set for Hillary's dinner tomorrow night.
You know, I'm really proud of her.
Yeah, I guess.
What does that mean? Nothing, nothing.
I-I'm just wondering, how do you think she pulled it off? Uh, she focused.
She studied.
Yeah, she focused.
She studied.
She cheated.
What? What are you talking about? I'm talking about: 1850 is a great SAT score for anybody, let alone Hillary, who we all know is knitting with one needle.
You're out of your mind.
Yeah, I might be out of my mind, but I had a feeling she did something.
I don't know what it is, but she did something.
What is wrong with you? Something good has happened a-and you can't enjoy it.
You have to piss all over it.
Come on, can't you just let it go and be happy? Have you just met me? I don't let it go.
I don't have a stamp collection.
I don't whittle.
I don't own a ham radio.
Pissing on things is my hobby.
I think a car just pulled into the driveway.
How's my breath? Not good enough for you to ever do that again.
I can't believe you're pimping out your son.
I can't believe I found a customer.
Hey-hey, Bob, how are you? Hi, Dave, how are you? Uh, this is my daughter, Tiffany.
Hi, Tiffany.
Come on in.
That's a pretty coat.
My grandma died in it.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
I'm Larry.
Nice to meet you.
Um, before we go, I'm just going to freshen up.
So, uh, while you're waiting, can I get you anything? A soda? Some pretzels? An exorcist? I guess I could drink something.
Um, why don't I just show you what we have? So Tiffany's, uh, quite the young lady.
Oh, please.
She's a nightmare.
I want to drop her off in a field, then move, then kill myself to make sure she doesn't find me.
I know what you mean.
Last year, Larry did a musical.
So, Tiffany, how do you like high school? I loathe it.
I despise every single person there.
I would rather rip out my eyes than have to look at those idiots ever again.
I was a cheerleader.
All right.
Here's your Prince Charming.
Okay.
You guys have fun tonight.
It's true.
You shouldn't judge a book by its cover.
You should judge it by its smoking hot body.
Look, we don't have to do this.
Life sucks enough without my father having make me go out with a nerd.
Nerd? Whoa, Nellie, I'm no nerd.
Oh, I get it.
Y-You think this is the real me.
Well, it's not.
If it were up to me, I'd look like a walking corpse, too.
I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean that.
Yes, you did.
And it's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You know, I was thinking about it, and I actually feel a little bad for the Liebermans.
I know.
And they're obviously so bored with each other that they need to throw a pot-luck dinner every time they get horny.
I'm so glad that we still turn each other on, you know? Yeah, we don't need anything but each other.
I know.
Although it wouldn't hurt to throw something new into the mix.
What do you mean? Well, I'm just saying what's wrong with changing things up a little bit? I mean, if the Lieberman's had added to their menu, they wouldn't need to order out every night.
Ah, you're right.
You know, maybe should throw a little something into the mix.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
You come up with something new you'd like to try, and I will do it.
Really? Absolutely.
As long as it's nothing too crazy.
Welcome to "What's Too Crazy?" The game where if you aim too low, you blow the sexual chance of a lifetime.
But if you aim too high and go too crazy, your wife slaps you in the face and may never have sex with you again.
Dave, it's your turn.
Thanks, Rich.
I, uh, I'd like to try a little S&M and some bondage.
Oh, sorry, Dave, you went too crazy.
But thanks for playing, you sick bastard.
Ow.
So Vicky's actually giving you carte blanche in the bedroom, huh? Yeah, yeah, as long as it's not "too crazy.
" But, uh, you know, how do you know what's too much anyway? I think you're asking the wrong guy.
My wife's got a lot of issues, but luckily for me, one of them is sex addiction.
She's up for anything.
What do you mean by "anything"? Well, uh, last year when we were in the Caribbean, one night we ended up having a ménage a trois.
Whoa.
How the hell did you pull that off? You know, it just kind of happened.
We were in the bar, having a few drinks, the next thing you know we're back in our room, and three was not a crowd, if you know what I mean.
Joe, don't wink at me anymore.
Okay, it's takes me right out of the story.
So, uh, was she hot? No, you've met my wife.
I meant the other woman.
Oh, oh, no, there was no other woman.
It was a guy.
Ramon.
Nice fella.
Joe, um, I hate to break it to you, but, uh, you didn't have a ménage a trois.
Your wife did.
You my friend had a gay experience.
Why do you have to turn a lovely time in the Caribbean into something I got to talk to my therapist about? Apparently I touched a nerve.
I wonder if Ramon did, too.
Well, at least my wife isn't looking to spice things up because she thinks I'm boring in bed.
Oh, my God.
Does Vicky think I'm boring in bed? I think she does.
Congratulations, Dave.
You've correctly answered the mystery question.
You've won a lifetime supply of insecurity that will manifest itself as impotence! Couldn't I just get some Rice-A-Roni? Hey.
What's with all the black clothes? Don't tell me you're doing that mime crap again.
I'm going out with Tiffany tonight.
No, no, no.
Her father already signed the papers.
So you don't have to go out with Dawn of the Dead anymore.
But I want to go out with her.
No, look, Larry, I don't think that's such a good idea.
That girl's kind of creepy, you know.
She'll probably suck the blood right out of your neck.
My neck, huh? Well it's a start.
Unbelievable.
First you don't like the girls I pick for me, now you don't like the girls you pick for me? No, I didn't pick her for you.
I forced her on you for selfish reasons.
There's a difference.
Look, I've been around the block, I just-- I get a bad vibe off this one.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Tiffany is not creepy.
She's interesting and she's complicated.
And if I want to go out with her, I will.
No, no, that show 24 is interesting and complicated.
This girl's just a freak.
And not in a good way like Joe's wife.
Hey, Hillary, how was school today? I hope it wasn't overly platitudinous.
Huh? You know, insipid.
Vapid banal? What are you talking about? He means "boring.
" Yeah, they're all common SAT words.
I'm surprised you didn't know any of them.
They weren't on my test, thank God.
So, I just confirmed our reservations for tonight.
We're going to Finique.
What happened to La Bussola? Uh, you know, Finique is kind of pricey.
Yeah, tell me about it.
They made me guarantee our reservations with a credit card number.
Luckily, I have yours memorized, huh? It sounds like it's going to cost me a fortune.
Yeah, but don't I deserve it? Yeah that's the question.
Guess what I have planned for tonight.
Uh, I don't know, but just so it's out there, I'm I'm allergic to cats.
Actually, I was thinking we should have sex and then kill ourselves.
Kill ourselves? Wait.
Have sex Wait.
Kill ourselves? Well, you know how we're always saying how much we hate our parents and they drive us crazy? Well, what better way to get back at them? I don't know.
I've heard living well is the best revenge.
I think this will make a better statement.
Sex and a suicide pact.
I hate to say it.
I'm actually kind of torn.
Hey, let me ask you a question? Why are we going to Finique? I mean, what happened to La Bussola? Well, I just thought it'd be fun to try someplace new and different.
Hmm.
Apparently, you're all about the new and different these days, aren't you? I'm just so bored with La Bussola, you know? It's the same thing every time, you know? And let's admit it, those portion sizes are teeny-weeny.
All right, all right, that's enough! I'm not just gonna stand here and let you insult my lovemaking skills.
What? What the hell are you talking about? Oh, come on.
"Let's throw something new into the mix, Dave.
" You think I'm lousy in bed.
And for your information, my portions are neither teeny nor weeny.
That's what your sick, twisted little brain did with my delightful suggestion? You see, this is what I'm talking about.
You can't enjoy anything.
Trust me.
What you do in the bedroom is the only reason I tolerate all the annoying things you do in every other room! Don't try to flatter me.
Won't it be cool when our parents are crying over our graves and there's maggots crawling in and out of our skulls? What's wrong? Nothing.
Nothing's wrong.
Wait! Stop! Stop! I-I can't do this! I'm not dark and I'm not killing myself! And you need help.
Larry, we weren't really going to kill ourselves.
It's goth, it's twisted.
I was trying to create a mood.
Oh, you mean like, like role-playing? Like "Dungeons and Dragons"? 'Cause I'm great at that.
I'm a level-18 troll.
Yeah, you just went up another level.
You're not dark.
You're just a poser.
Get out, nerdlinger.
No, no, wait, wait.
It's not too late.
We can still have sex.
I'll, I'll pretend.
What are you into? A little wrist-cutting, a little pill-popping? Is there a bridge nearby? Get out! Oh, great.
Now I really do want to kill myself.
Hey, my dad was right.
She is a bad i