The War at Home s02e22 Episode Script

The Graduate

Viewer Discretion Is Adivsed Honey, don't you think we kind of overdid it at the Price Club? I mean, we have enough food here to feed an army.
Hey, it's not every day that one of kids graduates from high school.
In fact, it's not every day that one of our kids shows up at high school.
I still can't believe it.
One down, two to go! Yes! Hey, there she is! Our little graduate! Yes! Our first little bird is about to fly the coop.
Fly, little birdy! Fly! So we got everything we need for your big par-tay! Aw, you guys don't have to do all this for me.
Oh, my little birdy, this party isn't for you.
It's for me.
Oh, my God! What's all this? It's for your sister's graduation party.
Oh, my God! That is great! The school finally changed their mind, and they're going to let you graduate? You! Always with the jokes! Oh, get out of here.
Get I I I don't understand.
You're you're not graduating? Well How how is this possible? Our gardener's daughter is graduating, and she only got to this country a year ago.
Would you stop? I'm going to graduate.
I just missed a few gym classes, and I'm getting an incomplete.
It's no big deal.
I just have to make them up this summer, and then I'll graduate.
I don't even know where to start.
I do.
I do.
I'm going to go talk to that principal.
I tried that.
I even talked to him like baby voice, and I cried.
That man has no heart.
Oh, yeah? Well, when I'm done with him, he's going to have no Hillary.
Okay? A few weeks from now, this house is going to be full of people celebrating your graduation, okay? Including everyone in this neighborhood who's ever looked at me with that "Some people shouldn't be allowed to be a father" look.
That's a lot of people.
Hey, ladies! Tough day at the glitter factory? It's not funny.
We were the victims of the senior prank.
A bunch of them came into the cafeteria with super-shooters filled with honey.
And the next thing you know, they're covering our sticky bodies with glitter.
It all happened so fast, my head is still spinning.
Well, if it keeps spinning, you can always rent it out as a disco ball.
We can't take this lying down! You're right.
We have to retaliate.
Okay, I'm going to get started on a scathing letter to the editor of the school paper.
And a "Thanks for nothing" note to the art teacher for not locking up the supplies! That's your idea of revenge? What, do you have a better idea? Look, I'm not going to lie.
It's going to be hard to beat a scathing letter, but think I can handle it.
Just leave it to me, and those seniors will be sorry they ever messed with you.
Revenge is sweet! Especially when you're covered in honey! All right, well, what about this? Listen.
"Principal Fink, Hillary was too embarrassed "to get dressed in gym class because she's a he-she.
" Dave, it's 2:00 in the morning.
Would you stop worrying about this and get some sleep? Oh, I'm too hyped up.
I'm never going to fall asleep.
Unless Please, God, no.
Come on.
It's nature's sleeping pill.
Pharmacy's closed.
Come back tomorrow.
I'm sorry, honey.
I love you, but I'm exhausted.
There's no way I'm getting out of this bed, and going in that bathroom, and dealing with that diaphragm.
Fine, fine.
Let's try nature's other sleeping pill.
So tell me about your day.
Gold, how can I put this? I don't give a crap! Hillary should have taken her responsibilities more seriously.
Oh, but I really did.
Bup, bup, bup! Just zip it! Let me deal with this.
Okay? Look, I completely agree with you, Principal Fink, okay? And where does a child learn responsibilities? In school! That's right, Fink! This is all your fault, okay? Look, I'm a reasonable man.
And, if you allow Hillary to graduate on time, I'll forget all about my lawsuit.
Go ahead and sue me.
I have no money.
I'm an educator.
I drive an '83 Mercury Zephyr.
You want it, you can have it.
Come on, come on, come on.
There's got to be something we could do here.
I mean, can't we work this out man to man? I'm a woman.
And a beautiful one.
Look, Mr.
Gold, even if I did like you, and wanted to do you a favor-.
and I don't, and I don't-- the state requires that she pass P.
Come on! Think, Fink! This is your opportunity to be rid of Hillary Gold once and for all! If I were you, I would be attaching a rocket to her ass and shooting her out into space! I mean, seriously,do you really want this girl in your school a minute longer than necessary? You know, I haven't quite thought about it like that.
But she has to pass the President's Physical Fitness Challenge, and do it in the top ten percentile.
Graduation is in three weeks.
She better be ready.
Gosh! Thank you so much, Principal Fink.
Thank you.
Not so fast, cupcake.
That means you're going to have to be able to run a mile in under eight minutes, do 25 push-ups in three minutes, and 50 sit-ups in two minutes.
Isn't that a little tough for a girl? I can do it.
I repeat, isn't that a little tough for a girl? You know, last night really got me thinking.
It would be so great to have spontaneous sex without all the preparation.
You mean without getting drunk first? Don't be silly.
We're still doing that.
No, I mean, you know, maybe we should start thinking about alternate forms of birth control.
Maybe it's time to have a simple little surgical procedure done so that we never have to worry about it again.
You'd be willing to do that for me? Me? No.
You! Me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! You! Dave, it's no a big deal.
A vasectomy takes, like, 30 minutes, it's done right in a doctor's office.
You'll hardly even notice! Whoa! I beg to differ, okay? I think I'll notice if someone starts doing construction on my playground.
Dave, I've pushed out three kids.
I've had so much work done down there, there should be scaffolding and an Andy Gump porta-potty.
Sorry, honey.
It's your turn.
No, that's not a good idea, sweetie.
All right, so you don't want to do it, and I don't want to do it.
There's only one solution-- we both do it.
Oh, come on, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
You know what? Let's just leave things the way they are.
I don't want anyone else playing with my shmekel.
Oh, I want our love life to be wild and exciting again.
Come on.
Let's compromise and both make a sacrifice.
Isn't that what love is all about? What if I say no? Then we're never having sex again! Fine, but if you really want things to be wild and exciting, you know, we could always bring in another woman who has had her tubes tied.
That would be cool, right? Or, you know, we could both have it done.
I think that's better.
Let's go with that.
Okay, Good, good.
Okay, I've been up all night brainstorming.
I think you're both going to be very pleased.
Wow! You know, this is the first time I've ever been excited about having a little brother since they brought you home from the hospital and I realized no one would pay attention to me ever again.
So what have you got? Okay.
I have 20 ideas here, all of which are world-class.
Okay, well, I don't want anything mean-spirited.
Okay, I have one idea.
It's guaranteed to work.
It's simple, it's elegant, it's rats.
Rats? Hundreds of them.
And we release them just as Principal Fink announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen I give you the graduating class of 2007.
" Cue "Pomp and Circumstance," screaming begins, pandemonium ensues.
Yeah, I like it.
Kenny? I don't like it.
I love it! So urologist, huh? Guess you don't bring your work home with you, huh? You know, at one point, I considered the idea of being a gynecologist.
But then I figured, "You work in a candy factory, the last thing you feel like is a Snickers bar after work.
" (both chuckling) Know what I mean? Okay! Looks like we're good to go.
So, you have any other questions before we get started? No.
We're good.
We're good.
I'm just wondering, nothing can go wrong here, right? Oh, God, no! No, no.
It's a very common procedure.
Nothing ever goes wrong.
Okay, good.
Although, technically, I should warn you, there's a slight risk of infection which could potentially lead to impotence.
Whoa, whoa.
Impotence? Of the ? Dave, relax.
It's never happened to one of my patients.
I mean, the odds are so low.
It's like one in 5,000.
Well, how many of these operations have you done? Oh, a lot.
I'd say, oh almost 5,000.
Oh?? Was this like the worst day of your life? I don't want to even think about what happened to me today, okay? Hey, miss, can I get another one of these? Matter of fact, make it a pitcher.
They were so worried about me driving home, they almost took my keys away.
How are you doing, sweetie? Yeah, I'm okay.
I'm in a lot of pain, but my doctor said, you know, that's to be expected.
Yeah, yeah, that's what my doctor said, too.
A lot of pain.
That's actually what I'm going through right now, but you know me-- I don't like to complain.
So, is there like, a scar? Yeah, well, it's a teeny, tiny, teeny-weeny little scar.
But, you know, compared to the main attraction down there everything is gonna look small.
But, but how you doing, sweetie? How are you coming along? I'm all right, but my doctor said I had to wait like, you know, seven days before I can ride the main attraction.
How about you? Yeah, that's what mine said, too.
You know, but, so we'll just you know, think of the next week as a little vacation from sex and an opportunity to get to know each other on a deeper, more spiritual level.
Oh Hey, can you give me the remote? The ballgame's on.
Ow! Hey, sweetie.
Hey, Daddy.
Hey, uh, aren't you supposed to be training for your gym test? Oh, I already did.
Really? On your feet, please.
Hop to.
I don't detect any moisture.
Or odor.
That's because I don't perspire-- I'm a lady.
You're a Gold, which means you sweat like a pig.
Which also means you're a liar.
Come on, now, we got two weeks to get you into shape-- Come on, let's go down to the high school track and work out.
All right? You were conceived on that field, and you're gonna graduate on that field.
Let's go! Game! Ah, come on.
It's 14 minutes.
It's too slow.
Go! Move it or lose it.
Go on, go on.
Ahh! Come on! You're up! Go on.
There you go.
There you go.
All right! Good girl.
Come on.
There you go.
Hey There you go.
And again.
Yeah What are you stopping for?! Go! Go! Move! You're an embarrassment! Eighteen Nineteen And Twenty! I hate you! Hurray! Zero minutes! Oh.
I-I forgot to start the watch.
Again! Run! Forty-five Forty-six DAVE: Yeah.
(panting) Forty-seven.
I quit.
I'm giving up.
What do you mean, you quit? Come on, you can't quit.
Let's go.
No, I'm not giving up.
My body's giving up.
I'm in pain, okay? Everything hurts.
She's gotta do 50 sit-ups in two minutes, and she's done 47 and that's a big tick-tock.
Oh, come on, come on, come on.
It's only three more sit-ups.
Look, I'll do them with you.
Let's go.
Come on.
One! Two! Crap, this is hard.
Come on, come on, let's go! I I'm a total loser.
I can't even pass P.
Oh, you think you're a loser now? Huh? Well, then, wait till next year when all your friends are off at college and you're living at home, working at the mall, wearing an apron with a pin that says, "Hi, I'm Hillary, Can I help you select your favorite cheese today?" COACH: There you're gonna be, day after day, working for minimum wage, fending off the advances of your 300-pound manager, until one day you might say, "Maybe that fat animal's not so bad.
" So what's it gonna be, huh? Three more sit-ups, or a lifetime of giving blood just to make extra money? That's how I got the down payment for the Zephyr.
Come on.
you can do this! She did it.
All right.
You did it.
That's good.
Good job, sweetie.
You did it.
You did it.
Hey, sweetie.
W-What are you doing here? Is everything okay? No.
I just spoke to your doctor.
Oh, crap.
She knows the truth.
I have a feeling she's about to sterilize me herself.
You, you, you talked to my doctor? Is, uh is everything okay? Yes.
And he told me to come right over here.
And check your vital signs.
It has been over a week.
Oh! Congratulations.
A lot of hard work.
Whoo! Whoo! Ellen Rosoff.
Whoo! Yeah! Ellen, congratulations.
This is it.
It's time.
Let the rats out.
Actually, the pet shop didn't have a hundred rats.
In retrospect, we probably should've called ahead.
But don't worry, we have something just as good.
Crickets? You guys, that is so lame.
It's still gonna freak people out.
W What happened? There were 500 of them in there.
You guys lost your crickets? Well, they have to be somewhere.
$20 worth of crickets don't just disappear.
Brenda Foster.
Kiss my ass, Principal Fink! Taye Marshall.
Thanks, pops.
Keep it real.
John France.
All right.
All right, get up.
Come on, Hillary's next.
This is the moment we've been waiting for.
Honey, I don't know what's wrong with me.
I-I-I don't feel very Oof.
Hillary Gold.
Oh, yeah.
Ah! Oh, my back.
Oh, my legs.
My everything.
All right, come on, come on, go up there.
Go on, go on-- hurry up before he changes his mind.
Ah! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow Hey.
This is for you, Dad! That's me! I'm the dad.
She's talking about me.
Isn't that great, sweetie? You did it.
We did it.
You're more excited than I am.
If you guys don't find these crickets, I'm calling an exterminator.
For you.
Hey, this party's going great-- hey How you feeling? I'm still feeling really queasy.
Yeah, well, how do you think the lady you threw up on feels? Oh, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Oh, sweetie, I think I understand what's going on here.
You have a little case of empty nest syndrome.
I have a similar thing, but it's called empty nest euphoria.
No, I gotta see my doctor.
I mean, I've been nauseous every morning, my feet are swollen and my breasts are really tender.
Ooh, can I see? Don't touch me.
All right, calm down.
I haven't felt this bad since the last time I was What? No.
Come on, that's impossible.
I mean, you can't be pregnant.
Y-y-you had the thing done, right? You did have the thing done, right? Please, tell me that you had the thing done.
Vicky, tell me you had the thing done.
Y-y-you didn't have it done? H-h-how could you not have it done? Y-y-you said you were gonna have it done.
NO ,I was never gonna do it.
I only said I was gonna do it to get you to agree to do something that you should have agreed to do in the first place.
I spent that afternoon at a day spa getting massaged.
But it doesn't matter because I can't be pregnant because you had it done.
Okay, now I'm starting to feel nauseous.
Dave? What? You didn't have it done? Dave, please tell me you had it done.
Come on, you had it done.
Honey, tell me you had it done.
Of course you had it done.
You had it done, right? You had it done.
Dave, you had it done? Dave, did you have it done? Dave, tell me you had it done.
Yeah, you have it done! Right? You have it done! I ? It's okay.
And you Ah, it's okay.
Why?! Why?! Wow! For three dollars a liter, that Price Club vodka really packs a wallop.
Yeah, I haven't seen Dad cry like this since I tried out for Little League.
I-I think I know why they're so upset.
I'm all grown up.
I'm leaving home.
Oh come on you guys.
Just look at the bright side, okay? The school year's only nine months long, and three short trimesters and your baby's back home.