The Warriors (2017) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 22 of you will make the first team! That's it! Come on! Show us what you got.
DEB: Are you scared about making the 22? You kidding? Look at me.
Is everything going okay? I'm just trying to, um fit in, you know? Doc Shepherd's looking after us.
The deal was you live the kids, you look after them, but you can't even do the simplest fucking thing right.
We need to establish a wanking protocol.
In my last house, we put a sock on the doorknob.
Tomorrow is media day, and we are introducing our newbies to the wolves.
BILL: Now, where's my number one draft pick? Club's depending on you, Maki.
You reckon you can jump that high? You pissheads drunk enough yet to write something good about us? Almost.
Our club will be known as the Warriors.
(APPLAUSE) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Listen up! Listen up! - Hey, fellas.
- MAN: Gather round.
Media are here today.
Talk to 'em, be professional.
But whatever you do, do not read your own press.
Because if you believe the good, sooner or later you're going to believe the bad.
And neither are true.
The only people's opinion that count are in this room.
- MAN: Yes! - (ALL MURMUR IN AGREEMENT) Let's fuck this puppy.
Come on.
- How are ya, mate? - Can't complain.
Hey, we didn't get the chance to meet on media day, so, just wanted to introduce myself.
Impressive stats in the draft fitness testing.
There's potential there.
Oh, thanks.
But, hey, potential isn't results.
Got a lot of hard work ahead of me.
Hey, we're hoping for a big season this year, guys, so looking forward to seeing a lot more of you.
Thanks for coming.
How you feeling this morning, Doc? - Ugh.
- MAN: Late night? Fresh as a daisy, Ken.
You ready for that comeback story? I'm ready to write it.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Resurrection starts today.
I'm pumped as.
- (LAUGHS) - PEOPLE: Maki! - Here he is the face of the merger.
- MAKI: Hey.
There's been a lot of attention on you, Maki.
- Are you up for it? - Um, I think so.
Excited to see what you can do.
Number one, eh? Number one.
Hey, Maki, a lot of first draft picks fade away to nothing.
What if you're not good enough? Well, what if I am? What, you saying you can lead the wooden-spooners to glory? - SPINNER: Come on, Mak! - Later, mate.
No, you haven't answered my question.
Move.
Never touch the talent! Didn't they teach you that in Internet High? Push! Push! Come on, Scottie! SCOTTIE: Whoo! Yes! Oh, yeah! Boydy! Oi! How was that, mate? - Was it a PB? - No.
Fair dinkum? Jeez, I'm surprised.
Felt like I was a ginger Usain Bolt.
Scottie, nothing you ever do is gonna look like a Usain Bolt.
SPINNER: Righto, come on, let's get the energy up! Couple of minutes! Real commitment! Go hard! - MAN: Pick it up, mate! - Kick them over! Let's get started.
- Come on, Scottie! - Settle, mate.
Here we go, here we go.
Nice one.
Mak! Come on, Maki! Push through! Come on.
Come on, Maki.
Let's go, mate.
Let's go! (STANDING STRONG BY YUNG WARRIORS PLAYS) Comin' at ya Got the whole crew here ready to attack ya With the beats and the rhythm on the scratcher Showin' you that I'm the bomb-ass rapper When I wanna be, I can be dangerous Soon I'm gonna be the world's most greatest - Are you right or what? - You jumped the pad.
- What do you mean? - I mean, you jumped over it.
- Oh, I did? Sorry.
- No, no, no.
I mean you cleared the man and the pad while he was holding it.
Isn't that what I'm meant to do? Yeah.
If you can.
(SONG CONTINUES) Come on, keep your focus.
Keep your focus.
BOYD: Come on, boys! Let's go, lads! I want focus! Who I am today Standing strong - KEN: Did you get that, mate? - Yeah.
Yeah, you know So now you know who I am today Standing strong DOC: You like all that out there, all those cameras? - It's pretty cool.
- Yeah, pretty cool.
You like being a celebrity? You just you gotta be careful with those leeches, okay? Why? What do you mean? Well, they're just trying to get a story, and they'll do anything to get it.
So just, you know, don't fall into the trap.
- What trap? - The trap of thinking it's about you.
It's got nothing to do with you, mate.
- I took the mark.
- Yeah, yeah, I know.
But they don't love you, mate.
They just love what you can do.
You're clickbait.
- ZANE: Hey.
- Hey ya.
Oi! They posted the video! - What? - Check it.
- Oh, saw it when it happened.
- It's trending! Brazilians, Mongolians, Luxembourgers.
Everyone's bloody watching it.
Hey.
How did you do that? Don't know.
Just kept my eye on the ball and jumped.
What, with those chicken legs? What the fuck does that mean, you just jumped? And somehow you were able to jump OVER a man? A man who's six-foot, holding a ruck pad, and you cleared him by just "keeping your eye on the ball"? - Yeah, just focus on it, you know? - Okay.
- Hey, chuck that to me, mate.
- Yeah.
Just focus on the ball! Are you serious? I haven't calorie-counted in my life.
All the top blokes do it, mate.
Oh, what are you saying? I'm not one of the top players in the league? No, I'm saying you're not one of the top players .
.
in this room.
And where do you fit in on the Scottie scale of players? Well, I'm calorie counting, aren't I, champ? Ahh, okay, I'm starting to get the picture now.
- Didn't you run a PB today? - What, did you hear something? Holy shit.
- 22,000 views.
Big whoop.
- That's 2.
2 million, bumpkin.
Are you qualified to calorie count if you can't tell the difference between thousands and millions? - It's a US website.
- Mate, he's gone viral.
And not in the way you've gone viral when you scratch.
- (LAUGHS) - Herpes.
See, there's good viral and bad viral.
What'd I tell ya, mate? Clickbait! - What are you talking about? - 2.
2 million views.
Not bad, eh? Where's the iceberg water? - Drink out of the tap.
- Yeah, sure, Zane.
And whilst I'm at it, why don't I just add another 6g of glutamine to my morning BCAA pre-workout smoothie? Has anyone seen my wallet? Mate, the point is, everything's calibrated for optimal efficiency, all right? Iceberg water speeds up the thermic effect on my metabolism.
The Big W burns more calories.
You could drink I don't know, steroids out of the tap.
It's not gonna make you a better player.
- Yes, my wallet! - Where are you going, superstar? - Getting a feed.
- Hoping to get recognised? - Nah, but I'd kill for a burger.
- Sure, mate.
Hey! Burger? Get me one too, bro.
Okay.
What happened to all that "thermic metabolism" bullshit? Average double patty with cheese is 450 calories.
Nuh.
- It's about 200 burpees.
- Nuh.
- Hey, Maki! - Hey, what now? Yeah, good man.
How does it feel to be famous all over the world? I'm not famous.
I'm just a blackfella from the bush.
Oh, maybe you were when you woke up this morning, but now you're a viral sensation.
Hope it's a good viral.
Hey, what kind of performance-enhancing drug does it take to get that kind of boost? - What? - What are you on, mate? I'm all natural, brother.
Well, if you say so.
Or maybe you didn't do it for real.
I mean, it was a very cool jump, but I reckon it was faked.
What? Could be some digital whizzbang bullshit, like those trick shots players do for those ads.
Wake up, dickhead.
I did it for real.
You were there! That's not how I see it, and that's why I'll be posting on my YouTube channel that you're a fraud.
What are you being a smart-arse for? - I didn't do anything to you.
- Too bad.
- Hey, you got any last words? - Yeah.
Move, arsehole! Oh! Ugh! The channel's called Out of Bounds with Arnie.
Check it out.
(SIGHS) So you've all seen Maki Birrawuy's miraculous jump doing the rounds.
Newsflash! It's not real.
I was there.
I'm gonna tell you the software they used and how you can do a similar effect in your own videos.
But before that, this is what Maki had to say when I told him he was going to be exposed - check it out.
- Hi, Maki.
- Move, arsehole! Oh! Ugh! - Listen, Maki, I'm a big fan.
- This dude looks like a clown.
I just want you to be honest about what you did, okay? I know it was staged.
"Number one draft pick's digital lies exposed"? He was giving me shit about not being able to do that jump for real.
He said it was a computer trick.
What? And you admitted to faking it? That's what I'll be reporting on my channel - that you're a fraud.
What are you being a smart-arse for? It's some digital bullshit like those trick shots players always reckon they can do.
Nah, nah.
He mix it all up.
- Ugh! - (OTHERS EXCLAIM) ZANE: Did you just drop the shoulder into him? Only once.
He repeated it! Well, if I didn't know ya, watching that, I'd think you were a prick.
SCOTTIE: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, maybe no one will watch it.
He's got 200,000 subscribers.
- Shit.
- (PHONES BEEP AND BUZZ) Think you just went viral again, bloke - the bad kind.
Worse than herpes.
More like like swine flu.
I did warn ya.
Hey.
It's me.
You've heard? It doesn't look good.
What do you think we should do? Thank you.
(WHISPERS) No, Mum.
Can you keep this under your hat? We want to do a feature on Doc Shepherd, about how he's turned his life around.
Would you write it for us? - Maybe I'll win a Walkley.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, for sure.
I don't do puff pieces.
And I'm not taking the video down.
Oh.
What a shame.
I thought you were a real journalist.
Let me teach you a few things about "journalism", Mrs "Van Exel".
The broadsheet dinosaurs revere sports stars like they're gods, above science and above art.
I don't do that.
I write the front page of the world.
I drink from the future.
Humanity comes to me for reality.
I don't care about the facts.
I care about the truth.
That doesn't even make sense.
I have 200,000 subscribers.
Let's get one thing straight - you are a little man who hides behind a keyboard who lives with his mother! You leave Maureen out of this.
I'm keeping the video up.
Good.
Keep the video up.
Because you're going to be exposed as a liar.
Oh, yeah, and how are you gonna do that? That little shit! (SCOTTIE AND ZANE PLAY TABLE TENNIS) All right, I am gonna bring everyone in - all five networks.
And Maki? Ah.
You're gonna do it again.
Why? Well, because the only way to take the power from this troll is to prove that you actually did it.
I DID actually do it.
So you could take the mark again.
- At training.
- Of course.
Okay.
Because we need to keep the media onside.
Positive stories help memberships.
I need you to do this, Maki, for the club.
Yeah, bro.
Just do it again.
Yeah.
Good.
Let's go again, Zano.
- ZANE: You wanna do this again? - All right, it's your funeral.
(DOOR SHUTS) (SOFT MUSIC) (PHONE BUZZES) Hey, my cuz.
Yeah, I'm a celebrity.
Grandpa hasn't seen it? What he reckon? Nah.
No way, cuz.
(PHONE CHIMES) (LINE RINGS) - DEB: Hello.
- Deb? - I'm sorry.
It's so late.
- I hope I didn't wake you.
No, no.
You're not still at the office, are you? It has been a long day.
Look, I'm worried about what I said to Maki.
I mean, have we put too much on him too early? - He's just a kid.
- Oh, he has to learn sometime.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
(SIGHS) I know.
Uh, can you just make sure that he's okay? Emotionally? Oh, you know me, Deb always prioritising the emotional.
Do you think he actually can take the mark again at training tomorrow? Or am I overthinking it? Leave it to me, okay? - Thanks, Doc.
Goodnight.
- (PHONE RINGS) (SIGHS) Hello? Yes, I know.
I'm on my way home now.
SPINNER: Let's go, lads! Focus! Ignore everything that's happening around you.
Ignore those people over there.
BOYD: Let's go, gents.
clean hands.
Focus on the ball.
MAN: Come on, boys, back each other! Let's go! Carruthers, let's go! Good man.
Get those knees up.
I wanna see air.
That's it! Go, Maki! Come on, Maki.
Come on.
Keep your focus! - MAN 1: Go, Maki.
- MAN 2: Let's go, mate.
- Come on, Maki.
- Come on, mate.
When you're ready.
- Come on, Mak.
- BOYD: You got this, Maki.
(SPECTATORS GROAN DISAPPOINTEDLY) Okay, let's go again.
Come on.
MAN 1: Maki, can we get a comment? MAN 2: Maki, you got something to say, mate? Fuck.
Fuck, fuck.
Just DO something.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
Don't worry about it.
Don't even give it a second thought.
- So it WAS a fake! Hey? - Let's go.
I filmed it too.
He didn't fake it! Truth is a numbers game, Kenny, and I'm winning.
Maki, why would you lie to the public like that? Do you have anything to say about this? Thanks so much for coming down, everyone They call 'em the Warriors.
I'd be 'warried', I tell you what, Miss Debbie.
Yeah, yeah, just get him off the ground.
Get him off the ground.
You have a definite personal space issue, mate.
- (GRUNTS) - Oh, Debbie! DOC: It's just one of the perils of being a professional footballer, Mak.
I mean, every man and his dog wants to bring you down.
Why? 'Cause you're on good coin and they're on minimum wage.
It's the green-eyed monster.
They're jealous.
Why is it even bothering you that much? 'Cause he did it.
And you saw.
And this guy's calling him a liar.
We're on! - (LAUGHS) - For what? Tonight.
You're right.
That prick's gotta pay.
You said don't give it a second thought.
Nah, I told YOU not to give it a second thought.
I, on the other hand, come up with a plan.
We've seen the jump.
We don't need to see it again.
I'm not showing you the jump.
I'm showing you my comments.
Made a profile for you, bro.
Read it.
"The Real Maki Birrawuy.
"I'm going full native on yo' ass, Arnie!" (LAUGHS) Yeah.
- "Full native on yo' ass?" - Yeah.
You don't see what's wrong with that? What do you mean? Look, I'm gonna start at the end and work back.
First cab off the rank - 'yo' ass'? What's wrong with that? Maki and I are both Indigenous Australians and that is African American.
Oh, well, I didn't know how an Indigenous would say it.
Well, he wouldn't say 'yo' ass' and he wouldn't say 'full native' either.
Oh, look! The fact is, Maki's head needs to be right or we won't be winning any games this year.
So here's the plan-we're gonna go round to his house and you're gonna scare him with white people's greatest fear.
- What's that? - Black people.
Black people holding spears, to be more precise.
You know, and those little red pants that Youse wear.
I cannot believe you've reached adulthood alive.
I'm serious, man.
White people are scared of black people's blackness.
It's a fact.
Look it up! All right, Scottie, you've gone off the edge.
Come back now, mate.
Look, just just hear me out, all right? We're gonna mind-fuck that mind-fucker and we're also gonna unfuck Maki's mind-fucked mind.
What do you say? - I like it.
- What?! Yes! Finally, someone on my side.
Yeah, black people with spears.
They scare me too.
I like Scottie's idea, but I can't do it.
No worries.
Zane can do it.
- What? Why me? - Solidarity, bro.
But we'll have to add some more black on you, though, 'cause you're kind of like creamy.
- Creamy?! - I'm just saying.
- What? - I'm not the right kind of black? I'm not doing your stupid plan.
Oh, well, someone's gotta do it.
- Hey, don't look at me.
- Oh Youse are no fun.
New post from Arnie.
"Footy expert claims "there's nothing warrior about these wooden-spooners.
" - DOC: What? - "They're all a bunch of fakes"?! - "Including his overrated" - Motherfucker! - ".
.
pretty-boy sidekick"? - That little piece of shit! Right.
If he wants warriors, we'll give him warriors.
Scottie, we're on.
(LAUGHS) Yes! I don't know if this is a good idea.
- Why not?! - Because I'm white! Shhh! You're not white.
You're a Warrior.
What the hell is this stuff? This is Cinnamon.
Cinnamon Sunrise.
And this this is Vanilla Delight.
It's a face mask.
But tonight tonight it's war paint.
(ALL HOWL) ALL (CHANT): Warriors! Warriors! Warriors! Warriors! Let's go! All right, you're up, brother.
What? I don't want to say it now.
Shame job.
Sorry.
You serious? Fine, I'll do it.
I'll hide in those shadows and tell him to stop bullshitting.
- No, don't say anything.
- Why not? Um, 'cause he'll know you're not Maki.
- I'll do Maki's voice.
- Don't do Maki's voice.
I can do Maki's voice.
"Hey, dere bruddah" - Down! Shh.
Shh.
- (DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE) All right, I won't do the voice.
Boys, hands in.
Listen, listen, we're a team, and if someone's racist towards one of ours, then we be racist towards one of theirs.
- Was Arnie racist, though? - Whatever! He's been a dick to our brother.
Warriors forever! Right.
ALL: Warriors forever.
Warriors! DOC: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Forgot your spear, babe.
Oh, thanks, mate.
Here we go.
This is actually gonna be gold.
He's gonna get himself killed.
And I'm gonna film it.
Come on.
He's coming to the door! ARNIE: You come here to frighten me? I read the profile.
Is this "full native"? You you're not even Maki Birrawuy.
- You're Scottie Watson.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, you footballers just keep on giving.
Mum, camera! - No, wait, wait! - No, don't say it! - Scottie, don't do - Oh, he's gonna say it.
I come tell ya to stop bullshitting about me, bro! (LAUGHS) Oh, this is too good.
You're goin' down.
Fuck! Warriors, run! - (GROANS) - (SMACK!) (SCREAMS, SOBS) - MAKI: Scottie, you right, brother? - I stabbed myself in the arse! Roll over.
Let's see how far it went in.
ARNIE: Are you still out there? Come on.
(LAUGHS) Give me the money shot.
(GROANS) - ZANE: What's he doing? - Maki.
Oh.
Oh, fuck.
Put the camera down.
You gotta stop this crap.
My mate just stabbed himself in the arse with this.
I really did that jump, and you know it.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Please, please don't stab me.
You really are afraid of me, eh? Get inside.
(GRUNTS) Ooh.
You right? These whitefellas are scared of us, aren't they? Should be.
They scared of our blackness.
Blackness isn't just the colour of your skin, bro.
And that's what they're really afraid of.
Smell nice.
Yeah.
Hey.
Come downstairs.
Spa night, bro.
My arse is killing me but my face feels phenomenal.
(BURPS-GROWLS) - (LAUGHTER) - DOC: Cheers, mate.
- I'm a 'Warrisaur'.
- Thanks, brother.
Oh, Scottie! What the hell was that voice? Yeah.
Oh, mate, I'm sorry.
I just panicked.
I did it out of love, but.
You know that, don't you, bro? - Did what? - That voice.
I was racist for love.
Well, here's to the Warriors, boys.
ALL: Yeah! I'm not gonna do that again, bruh.
- Ohh! - (ALL LAUGH) For love, bro.
For love.
BILL: Not much of a team player, is he? - Who? - You know who I mean? There was a bloke clear in the square.
I was calling for it.
You all heard me.
Hey! Do you wanna lose? Do ya? Those boys need hardening up.
In my day, we trained hard, we played hard and we won three flags.
You're the funny man, hey? Oh (LAUGHS) I know how to play footy.
I know you do.
But I ain't talking about footy.
You're such a selfish little prick and you can't even see that.
- You wanna go?! - Hey, hey, hey! Cut Cut it out! Your nose is bleeding.
What? Oh.
Um You really wanna know how to play this game, get in the van.
(LAUGHS) Orangutan, I love Youse.
Hashtag #Getinthefuckingvan.
DEB: Are you scared about making the 22? You kidding? Look at me.
Is everything going okay? I'm just trying to, um fit in, you know? Doc Shepherd's looking after us.
The deal was you live the kids, you look after them, but you can't even do the simplest fucking thing right.
We need to establish a wanking protocol.
In my last house, we put a sock on the doorknob.
Tomorrow is media day, and we are introducing our newbies to the wolves.
BILL: Now, where's my number one draft pick? Club's depending on you, Maki.
You reckon you can jump that high? You pissheads drunk enough yet to write something good about us? Almost.
Our club will be known as the Warriors.
(APPLAUSE) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Listen up! Listen up! - Hey, fellas.
- MAN: Gather round.
Media are here today.
Talk to 'em, be professional.
But whatever you do, do not read your own press.
Because if you believe the good, sooner or later you're going to believe the bad.
And neither are true.
The only people's opinion that count are in this room.
- MAN: Yes! - (ALL MURMUR IN AGREEMENT) Let's fuck this puppy.
Come on.
- How are ya, mate? - Can't complain.
Hey, we didn't get the chance to meet on media day, so, just wanted to introduce myself.
Impressive stats in the draft fitness testing.
There's potential there.
Oh, thanks.
But, hey, potential isn't results.
Got a lot of hard work ahead of me.
Hey, we're hoping for a big season this year, guys, so looking forward to seeing a lot more of you.
Thanks for coming.
How you feeling this morning, Doc? - Ugh.
- MAN: Late night? Fresh as a daisy, Ken.
You ready for that comeback story? I'm ready to write it.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Resurrection starts today.
I'm pumped as.
- (LAUGHS) - PEOPLE: Maki! - Here he is the face of the merger.
- MAKI: Hey.
There's been a lot of attention on you, Maki.
- Are you up for it? - Um, I think so.
Excited to see what you can do.
Number one, eh? Number one.
Hey, Maki, a lot of first draft picks fade away to nothing.
What if you're not good enough? Well, what if I am? What, you saying you can lead the wooden-spooners to glory? - SPINNER: Come on, Mak! - Later, mate.
No, you haven't answered my question.
Move.
Never touch the talent! Didn't they teach you that in Internet High? Push! Push! Come on, Scottie! SCOTTIE: Whoo! Yes! Oh, yeah! Boydy! Oi! How was that, mate? - Was it a PB? - No.
Fair dinkum? Jeez, I'm surprised.
Felt like I was a ginger Usain Bolt.
Scottie, nothing you ever do is gonna look like a Usain Bolt.
SPINNER: Righto, come on, let's get the energy up! Couple of minutes! Real commitment! Go hard! - MAN: Pick it up, mate! - Kick them over! Let's get started.
- Come on, Scottie! - Settle, mate.
Here we go, here we go.
Nice one.
Mak! Come on, Maki! Push through! Come on.
Come on, Maki.
Let's go, mate.
Let's go! (STANDING STRONG BY YUNG WARRIORS PLAYS) Comin' at ya Got the whole crew here ready to attack ya With the beats and the rhythm on the scratcher Showin' you that I'm the bomb-ass rapper When I wanna be, I can be dangerous Soon I'm gonna be the world's most greatest - Are you right or what? - You jumped the pad.
- What do you mean? - I mean, you jumped over it.
- Oh, I did? Sorry.
- No, no, no.
I mean you cleared the man and the pad while he was holding it.
Isn't that what I'm meant to do? Yeah.
If you can.
(SONG CONTINUES) Come on, keep your focus.
Keep your focus.
BOYD: Come on, boys! Let's go, lads! I want focus! Who I am today Standing strong - KEN: Did you get that, mate? - Yeah.
Yeah, you know So now you know who I am today Standing strong DOC: You like all that out there, all those cameras? - It's pretty cool.
- Yeah, pretty cool.
You like being a celebrity? You just you gotta be careful with those leeches, okay? Why? What do you mean? Well, they're just trying to get a story, and they'll do anything to get it.
So just, you know, don't fall into the trap.
- What trap? - The trap of thinking it's about you.
It's got nothing to do with you, mate.
- I took the mark.
- Yeah, yeah, I know.
But they don't love you, mate.
They just love what you can do.
You're clickbait.
- ZANE: Hey.
- Hey ya.
Oi! They posted the video! - What? - Check it.
- Oh, saw it when it happened.
- It's trending! Brazilians, Mongolians, Luxembourgers.
Everyone's bloody watching it.
Hey.
How did you do that? Don't know.
Just kept my eye on the ball and jumped.
What, with those chicken legs? What the fuck does that mean, you just jumped? And somehow you were able to jump OVER a man? A man who's six-foot, holding a ruck pad, and you cleared him by just "keeping your eye on the ball"? - Yeah, just focus on it, you know? - Okay.
- Hey, chuck that to me, mate.
- Yeah.
Just focus on the ball! Are you serious? I haven't calorie-counted in my life.
All the top blokes do it, mate.
Oh, what are you saying? I'm not one of the top players in the league? No, I'm saying you're not one of the top players .
.
in this room.
And where do you fit in on the Scottie scale of players? Well, I'm calorie counting, aren't I, champ? Ahh, okay, I'm starting to get the picture now.
- Didn't you run a PB today? - What, did you hear something? Holy shit.
- 22,000 views.
Big whoop.
- That's 2.
2 million, bumpkin.
Are you qualified to calorie count if you can't tell the difference between thousands and millions? - It's a US website.
- Mate, he's gone viral.
And not in the way you've gone viral when you scratch.
- (LAUGHS) - Herpes.
See, there's good viral and bad viral.
What'd I tell ya, mate? Clickbait! - What are you talking about? - 2.
2 million views.
Not bad, eh? Where's the iceberg water? - Drink out of the tap.
- Yeah, sure, Zane.
And whilst I'm at it, why don't I just add another 6g of glutamine to my morning BCAA pre-workout smoothie? Has anyone seen my wallet? Mate, the point is, everything's calibrated for optimal efficiency, all right? Iceberg water speeds up the thermic effect on my metabolism.
The Big W burns more calories.
You could drink I don't know, steroids out of the tap.
It's not gonna make you a better player.
- Yes, my wallet! - Where are you going, superstar? - Getting a feed.
- Hoping to get recognised? - Nah, but I'd kill for a burger.
- Sure, mate.
Hey! Burger? Get me one too, bro.
Okay.
What happened to all that "thermic metabolism" bullshit? Average double patty with cheese is 450 calories.
Nuh.
- It's about 200 burpees.
- Nuh.
- Hey, Maki! - Hey, what now? Yeah, good man.
How does it feel to be famous all over the world? I'm not famous.
I'm just a blackfella from the bush.
Oh, maybe you were when you woke up this morning, but now you're a viral sensation.
Hope it's a good viral.
Hey, what kind of performance-enhancing drug does it take to get that kind of boost? - What? - What are you on, mate? I'm all natural, brother.
Well, if you say so.
Or maybe you didn't do it for real.
I mean, it was a very cool jump, but I reckon it was faked.
What? Could be some digital whizzbang bullshit, like those trick shots players do for those ads.
Wake up, dickhead.
I did it for real.
You were there! That's not how I see it, and that's why I'll be posting on my YouTube channel that you're a fraud.
What are you being a smart-arse for? - I didn't do anything to you.
- Too bad.
- Hey, you got any last words? - Yeah.
Move, arsehole! Oh! Ugh! The channel's called Out of Bounds with Arnie.
Check it out.
(SIGHS) So you've all seen Maki Birrawuy's miraculous jump doing the rounds.
Newsflash! It's not real.
I was there.
I'm gonna tell you the software they used and how you can do a similar effect in your own videos.
But before that, this is what Maki had to say when I told him he was going to be exposed - check it out.
- Hi, Maki.
- Move, arsehole! Oh! Ugh! - Listen, Maki, I'm a big fan.
- This dude looks like a clown.
I just want you to be honest about what you did, okay? I know it was staged.
"Number one draft pick's digital lies exposed"? He was giving me shit about not being able to do that jump for real.
He said it was a computer trick.
What? And you admitted to faking it? That's what I'll be reporting on my channel - that you're a fraud.
What are you being a smart-arse for? It's some digital bullshit like those trick shots players always reckon they can do.
Nah, nah.
He mix it all up.
- Ugh! - (OTHERS EXCLAIM) ZANE: Did you just drop the shoulder into him? Only once.
He repeated it! Well, if I didn't know ya, watching that, I'd think you were a prick.
SCOTTIE: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, maybe no one will watch it.
He's got 200,000 subscribers.
- Shit.
- (PHONES BEEP AND BUZZ) Think you just went viral again, bloke - the bad kind.
Worse than herpes.
More like like swine flu.
I did warn ya.
Hey.
It's me.
You've heard? It doesn't look good.
What do you think we should do? Thank you.
(WHISPERS) No, Mum.
Can you keep this under your hat? We want to do a feature on Doc Shepherd, about how he's turned his life around.
Would you write it for us? - Maybe I'll win a Walkley.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, for sure.
I don't do puff pieces.
And I'm not taking the video down.
Oh.
What a shame.
I thought you were a real journalist.
Let me teach you a few things about "journalism", Mrs "Van Exel".
The broadsheet dinosaurs revere sports stars like they're gods, above science and above art.
I don't do that.
I write the front page of the world.
I drink from the future.
Humanity comes to me for reality.
I don't care about the facts.
I care about the truth.
That doesn't even make sense.
I have 200,000 subscribers.
Let's get one thing straight - you are a little man who hides behind a keyboard who lives with his mother! You leave Maureen out of this.
I'm keeping the video up.
Good.
Keep the video up.
Because you're going to be exposed as a liar.
Oh, yeah, and how are you gonna do that? That little shit! (SCOTTIE AND ZANE PLAY TABLE TENNIS) All right, I am gonna bring everyone in - all five networks.
And Maki? Ah.
You're gonna do it again.
Why? Well, because the only way to take the power from this troll is to prove that you actually did it.
I DID actually do it.
So you could take the mark again.
- At training.
- Of course.
Okay.
Because we need to keep the media onside.
Positive stories help memberships.
I need you to do this, Maki, for the club.
Yeah, bro.
Just do it again.
Yeah.
Good.
Let's go again, Zano.
- ZANE: You wanna do this again? - All right, it's your funeral.
(DOOR SHUTS) (SOFT MUSIC) (PHONE BUZZES) Hey, my cuz.
Yeah, I'm a celebrity.
Grandpa hasn't seen it? What he reckon? Nah.
No way, cuz.
(PHONE CHIMES) (LINE RINGS) - DEB: Hello.
- Deb? - I'm sorry.
It's so late.
- I hope I didn't wake you.
No, no.
You're not still at the office, are you? It has been a long day.
Look, I'm worried about what I said to Maki.
I mean, have we put too much on him too early? - He's just a kid.
- Oh, he has to learn sometime.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
(SIGHS) I know.
Uh, can you just make sure that he's okay? Emotionally? Oh, you know me, Deb always prioritising the emotional.
Do you think he actually can take the mark again at training tomorrow? Or am I overthinking it? Leave it to me, okay? - Thanks, Doc.
Goodnight.
- (PHONE RINGS) (SIGHS) Hello? Yes, I know.
I'm on my way home now.
SPINNER: Let's go, lads! Focus! Ignore everything that's happening around you.
Ignore those people over there.
BOYD: Let's go, gents.
clean hands.
Focus on the ball.
MAN: Come on, boys, back each other! Let's go! Carruthers, let's go! Good man.
Get those knees up.
I wanna see air.
That's it! Go, Maki! Come on, Maki.
Come on.
Keep your focus! - MAN 1: Go, Maki.
- MAN 2: Let's go, mate.
- Come on, Maki.
- Come on, mate.
When you're ready.
- Come on, Mak.
- BOYD: You got this, Maki.
(SPECTATORS GROAN DISAPPOINTEDLY) Okay, let's go again.
Come on.
MAN 1: Maki, can we get a comment? MAN 2: Maki, you got something to say, mate? Fuck.
Fuck, fuck.
Just DO something.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
Don't worry about it.
Don't even give it a second thought.
- So it WAS a fake! Hey? - Let's go.
I filmed it too.
He didn't fake it! Truth is a numbers game, Kenny, and I'm winning.
Maki, why would you lie to the public like that? Do you have anything to say about this? Thanks so much for coming down, everyone They call 'em the Warriors.
I'd be 'warried', I tell you what, Miss Debbie.
Yeah, yeah, just get him off the ground.
Get him off the ground.
You have a definite personal space issue, mate.
- (GRUNTS) - Oh, Debbie! DOC: It's just one of the perils of being a professional footballer, Mak.
I mean, every man and his dog wants to bring you down.
Why? 'Cause you're on good coin and they're on minimum wage.
It's the green-eyed monster.
They're jealous.
Why is it even bothering you that much? 'Cause he did it.
And you saw.
And this guy's calling him a liar.
We're on! - (LAUGHS) - For what? Tonight.
You're right.
That prick's gotta pay.
You said don't give it a second thought.
Nah, I told YOU not to give it a second thought.
I, on the other hand, come up with a plan.
We've seen the jump.
We don't need to see it again.
I'm not showing you the jump.
I'm showing you my comments.
Made a profile for you, bro.
Read it.
"The Real Maki Birrawuy.
"I'm going full native on yo' ass, Arnie!" (LAUGHS) Yeah.
- "Full native on yo' ass?" - Yeah.
You don't see what's wrong with that? What do you mean? Look, I'm gonna start at the end and work back.
First cab off the rank - 'yo' ass'? What's wrong with that? Maki and I are both Indigenous Australians and that is African American.
Oh, well, I didn't know how an Indigenous would say it.
Well, he wouldn't say 'yo' ass' and he wouldn't say 'full native' either.
Oh, look! The fact is, Maki's head needs to be right or we won't be winning any games this year.
So here's the plan-we're gonna go round to his house and you're gonna scare him with white people's greatest fear.
- What's that? - Black people.
Black people holding spears, to be more precise.
You know, and those little red pants that Youse wear.
I cannot believe you've reached adulthood alive.
I'm serious, man.
White people are scared of black people's blackness.
It's a fact.
Look it up! All right, Scottie, you've gone off the edge.
Come back now, mate.
Look, just just hear me out, all right? We're gonna mind-fuck that mind-fucker and we're also gonna unfuck Maki's mind-fucked mind.
What do you say? - I like it.
- What?! Yes! Finally, someone on my side.
Yeah, black people with spears.
They scare me too.
I like Scottie's idea, but I can't do it.
No worries.
Zane can do it.
- What? Why me? - Solidarity, bro.
But we'll have to add some more black on you, though, 'cause you're kind of like creamy.
- Creamy?! - I'm just saying.
- What? - I'm not the right kind of black? I'm not doing your stupid plan.
Oh, well, someone's gotta do it.
- Hey, don't look at me.
- Oh Youse are no fun.
New post from Arnie.
"Footy expert claims "there's nothing warrior about these wooden-spooners.
" - DOC: What? - "They're all a bunch of fakes"?! - "Including his overrated" - Motherfucker! - ".
.
pretty-boy sidekick"? - That little piece of shit! Right.
If he wants warriors, we'll give him warriors.
Scottie, we're on.
(LAUGHS) Yes! I don't know if this is a good idea.
- Why not?! - Because I'm white! Shhh! You're not white.
You're a Warrior.
What the hell is this stuff? This is Cinnamon.
Cinnamon Sunrise.
And this this is Vanilla Delight.
It's a face mask.
But tonight tonight it's war paint.
(ALL HOWL) ALL (CHANT): Warriors! Warriors! Warriors! Warriors! Let's go! All right, you're up, brother.
What? I don't want to say it now.
Shame job.
Sorry.
You serious? Fine, I'll do it.
I'll hide in those shadows and tell him to stop bullshitting.
- No, don't say anything.
- Why not? Um, 'cause he'll know you're not Maki.
- I'll do Maki's voice.
- Don't do Maki's voice.
I can do Maki's voice.
"Hey, dere bruddah" - Down! Shh.
Shh.
- (DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE) All right, I won't do the voice.
Boys, hands in.
Listen, listen, we're a team, and if someone's racist towards one of ours, then we be racist towards one of theirs.
- Was Arnie racist, though? - Whatever! He's been a dick to our brother.
Warriors forever! Right.
ALL: Warriors forever.
Warriors! DOC: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Forgot your spear, babe.
Oh, thanks, mate.
Here we go.
This is actually gonna be gold.
He's gonna get himself killed.
And I'm gonna film it.
Come on.
He's coming to the door! ARNIE: You come here to frighten me? I read the profile.
Is this "full native"? You you're not even Maki Birrawuy.
- You're Scottie Watson.
- Oh, shit.
Oh, you footballers just keep on giving.
Mum, camera! - No, wait, wait! - No, don't say it! - Scottie, don't do - Oh, he's gonna say it.
I come tell ya to stop bullshitting about me, bro! (LAUGHS) Oh, this is too good.
You're goin' down.
Fuck! Warriors, run! - (GROANS) - (SMACK!) (SCREAMS, SOBS) - MAKI: Scottie, you right, brother? - I stabbed myself in the arse! Roll over.
Let's see how far it went in.
ARNIE: Are you still out there? Come on.
(LAUGHS) Give me the money shot.
(GROANS) - ZANE: What's he doing? - Maki.
Oh.
Oh, fuck.
Put the camera down.
You gotta stop this crap.
My mate just stabbed himself in the arse with this.
I really did that jump, and you know it.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Please, please don't stab me.
You really are afraid of me, eh? Get inside.
(GRUNTS) Ooh.
You right? These whitefellas are scared of us, aren't they? Should be.
They scared of our blackness.
Blackness isn't just the colour of your skin, bro.
And that's what they're really afraid of.
Smell nice.
Yeah.
Hey.
Come downstairs.
Spa night, bro.
My arse is killing me but my face feels phenomenal.
(BURPS-GROWLS) - (LAUGHTER) - DOC: Cheers, mate.
- I'm a 'Warrisaur'.
- Thanks, brother.
Oh, Scottie! What the hell was that voice? Yeah.
Oh, mate, I'm sorry.
I just panicked.
I did it out of love, but.
You know that, don't you, bro? - Did what? - That voice.
I was racist for love.
Well, here's to the Warriors, boys.
ALL: Yeah! I'm not gonna do that again, bruh.
- Ohh! - (ALL LAUGH) For love, bro.
For love.
BILL: Not much of a team player, is he? - Who? - You know who I mean? There was a bloke clear in the square.
I was calling for it.
You all heard me.
Hey! Do you wanna lose? Do ya? Those boys need hardening up.
In my day, we trained hard, we played hard and we won three flags.
You're the funny man, hey? Oh (LAUGHS) I know how to play footy.
I know you do.
But I ain't talking about footy.
You're such a selfish little prick and you can't even see that.
- You wanna go?! - Hey, hey, hey! Cut Cut it out! Your nose is bleeding.
What? Oh.
Um You really wanna know how to play this game, get in the van.
(LAUGHS) Orangutan, I love Youse.
Hashtag #Getinthefuckingvan.