The Warriors (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

1 We gotta focus on trying to make the cut first.
Nobody is safe yet.
BILL: My crippled aunt could've kicked that goal.
You play like that again, you won't make the 22.
(GROANS) BOYD: Reckon we should put him out of his misery? Let's see if he can run it out, eh? I'm not making the 22 next week.
I wanted to talk to you about my knee.
Saw you in the change room.
We see how much you laugh with Onion.
Yah! (CRUNCH!) You ever tried a 30-year-old? BILL: We need a new sponsor by Monday.
I won't be missing any goals right in front.
No partnership, no money.
There's been a lot of attention on you, Maki.
Are you up for it? - I think so.
- Fuck, I love this game! (LAUGHS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Okay, boys.
Listening up? Bit of attention? Now, the last eight weeks have been they've been really something, and I'm really proud of each and every one of you.
But, as you know, we have still four more cuts to be made to make our final 22.
And that's, uh that's been a really tough decision.
Boydy's gonna read out the 22 that have made the team.
Good luck to all of you.
Thanks.
(CLEARS THROAT) Righto, uh backs: Reynolds, Miller, Mason.
Half-backs: Connolly, Murray, Meat.
Centres: Jenks, Shepherd, Reazza.
Half-forwards: Armstrong, Macca, Birrawuy.
- SCOTTIE: Oh! - (CHUCKLES) Forwards: Clarke, Phillips, Duany.
Followers: Watson, Dillon, Slattery.
- Boydy! Wait - What's the matter, mate? Is there another Watson in the team? (LAUGHTER) Nah, mate, just you.
You're in, Scottie.
Interchange: Heffernan, Carruthers - Scottie.
- DOC: Big dog! - MAKI: Hey! Finally! - ZANE: You got it, bro.
Oh, you didn't think they wouldn't pick the number-one draft pick, did you? Scottie.
A word.
Yeah, of course, Spin.
Oh, wait you're not gonna drop me now, are you? No! 'Cause that'd be a really shitty joke.
Scottie! I'm not gonna drop you! Come on.
Come in.
Oi, Scottie! We'll meet you at the car, bro.
I'll shut the door.
Knee okay? Yeah, it's tiptop, coach.
Yeah.
(QUIETLY) Listen, Scottie, I've gone out on a limb for you.
There's a few people around here that don't think you've got the fitness to last a full game.
Nah, I'll be right.
As starting ruckman? - STARTING ruckman? - Mm.
Wh what happened to Anchor? Hamstring.
Yeah, last night.
So this is your chance to show 'em all.
All right? To really cement yourself.
- All right? - Okay.
You gotta be honest with me, 100% is the knee okay? Yeah, it's good to go.
Yeah.
- Promise.
- Good.
Okay.
Well, rest up, because in a heartbeat you're gonna be playing the game of your life.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Thanks, Spin.
- Good on ya, mate.
Fuck we could do anything this year.
- We could win the whole thing! - (LAUGHS) ZANE AND MAKI: Win the flag! Win the flag! Win the flag! Win the flag! Whoo! Don't get too comfortable, eh, bro.
Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence, champ.
I mean, Anchor's gonna be back in a week.
Yeah.
Team player.
Good one, mate.
- Boys, youse go ahead.
- What's the problem? Ah, I'm just gonna ring Mumsie, let her know the good news.
And get some physio on the knee.
- I'll see youse at home.
- All right, man.
Okay, man.
See you there.
- Good job today.
- You too, buddy.
(DOC STARTS CAR) Man! MAKI: Whoo-hoo! (BUZZER SOUNDS) ONION: (THROUGH SPEAKER) Go away.
I can't.
I wish I could.
(LOCK BUZZES) Noroc.
Noroc.
- (COUGHS) - It good! - (LAUGHS) Good.
- Yeah.
- What you want? - See, I've got this bung knee.
I was just wondering if you had any old-timer remedies for it? - What wrong? - Feels weak, on the inside.
Feels like it's gonna give way at any second.
I can't pivot on it at all.
- Egh! Agh! - Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How long you got to heal? - I've gotta play tomorrow.
- (LAUGHS) No way.
- There is no way.
- No, I HAVE to.
No, there's nothing will fix this in that time.
Nothing natural.
I'll do whatever it takes to get me on the field.
You know there are some lines can never be uncrossed? You know this? I'm okay with that.
You go upstairs.
You talk to the girl up there.
Yes.
Hey.
Hi.
How are you? (SIGHS) I'm Scottie.
Hi.
(SIGHS) Look, I've got a bad knee and I need to play tomorrow.
So I don't know.
Have you got anything that can help? Like any drugs or anything like that? I I don't know, maybe your phone number too if you I look, this is the first time doing anything like this.
As you as can probably tell, I'm not very good at it.
I've got a range of options from stuff that's not quite illegal and it'll simply help you heal faster to stuff that'll give you the energy of a demon but it's 100% illegal and probably has nasty side effects.
I'll take whatever's gonna get me on the field in 24 hours.
That's gonna be the best bet.
Is that the not quite illegal ? It's 100% illegal.
- I get it from Romania.
- What is it? Mm, hardcore steroid and painkiller mix.
- For horses.
- Horses?! I'm not running in the Melbourne Cup! You'll think you can.
(SIGHS) Your whole life's got you stressin', full of messin' Everybody is more blessed than you Point of view through my mind Through the hard times Through this innocence And truth be told I'mma shine my shoes Walking down like I got (PHONE RINGS) (LINE RINGS) DOC: Hello? You weren't going to answer, were you? What do you want? I've put a large bet against you to lose tomorrow.
Do you want to know why? Um, yep, look, uh just give me 30 minutes, yeah.
Hey! 'Sup, Doc? What's going on? Um nothing.
Uh, Deb just wants me to sign some guernseys.
- Want me to come with you? - Oh, no, no.
Hey, um I need you to stay here and calm Maki down a bit.
I mean, look at him.
You know, just don't let him get too psyched up before the game.
- Yeah.
You know it, Doc.
- Yeah.
Good on ya, mate.
Cheers.
MAKI: Where you going, bro? Um just gotta go sign some balls.
- You want me to come with you? - No.
No, no.
Hey.
Um, I need you to stay here and, um, rev Zane up a bit, you know? - I mean, look at him.
- (BOTH LAUGH) You know, it happens to some blokes, you know? They get too calm before the game.
Yeah, okay, I'll I'll do that.
All right, man.
Cheers.
Thank you.
FREDDY: Hey.
Why are you betting against us tomorrow? - What do you know? - Nothing.
Just had to get you here.
We have a deal.
Sharing information? Remember? Sit.
Sit.
I've got nothing for you.
I've got the team list, but so have the newspapers.
You must have something.
Everyone healthy? - Are you back on drugs? - I'm fine.
See, I think you're holding out on me.
But to show there are no hard feelings, I am going to give you some information.
And if it turns out to be useful, you can reciprocate.
(SIGHS) What do you know? What do I know? ZANE: Oh! Fuck off! (LAUGHS) Oh, I want to hurt you.
And I could, but I'm not going to.
Because you're hyper and you need to calm down.
Maki.
- Fuck off! - Come on! Get going, bro! - Get going! Come on! - Fuck off.
(LAUGHS) Fuck, you're dead.
- All right.
- Oh! Whoo! Whoo! (LAUGHS) - (GRUNTS IN PAIN) - (LAUGHS) - Go on.
Come on.
- (LAUGHS) Whoo! - (GRUNTS) - Whoo-hoo! Right! This is the final call.
You're fucked.
- Fuck! - (MAKI AND ZANE STRUGGLE) (LAUGHS) (BOTH CALL OUT INDISTINCTLY) (LAUGHS) Oh, you're so dead.
(LAUGHS) (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) (MAKI AND ZANE GRUNT AND CALL OUT) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (BELLOWS) I'm sorry! I didn't know anyone was in here! - What the hell is that?! - Take it out! Take it out! - I'm not touching that! - Take it out! - Shit, it's deep! - Yeah, take it out! What is in it? It's antibiotics.
Maki, please, please, take it out.
- It hurts.
- Okay, okay.
You ready? On three.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Ready? - Oh, it's Doc.
Be quiet, boys.
- One.
- Hey.
- Two.
- Three! - (BELLOWS) Everything okay? Oh, yeah, nah.
Scottie just, uh stubbed his toe.
Okay, put me on speaker.
I need to speak to all of you.
All right.
You're on.
Okay, tomorrow before the game, ASADA are doing a drug test.
- What, are you sure? - I'm positive.
So today I want you on your best behaviour no second-hand smoke, no cough medicine, no Red Bull, okay? Nothing.
You got it? - Yeah, no worries, Doc.
- Yeah, Doc.
- Yeah, Doc.
- Okay.
(HANGS UP) - It wasn't antibiotics.
- Yeah, no shit.
It was steroids.
And painkillers.
For horses.
(SIGHS) Scottie, man.
I wasn't gonna make it on the field.
Spinner backed me.
I didn't want to let anyone down.
Please, guys help me.
(SIGHS) Look, there's not gonna be a problem here.
I can beat the piss test, okay? I'll I'll go into the stall beforehand, hide some clean piss, and I'll swap them when I go in there.
But that's not how ASADA tests go.
They watch you piss.
They actually watch the piss coming out of your dick.
No piss switcheroo.
What now? That's it! The Russians got away with it for years.
A fake dick! A fake dick filled with clean piss.
- Yes, yes.
- What?! The Chinese they love their fake dicks too.
Okay, now, it just needs to look real enough to fool a close inspection.
It can't just be, like, any old dildo.
I mean - Prosthetic dong.
- (SNAPS FINGERS) Correct.
But we need one by tomorrow.
I've got a cousin.
- (BEEP) - MAN: (THROUGH SPEAKER) Yep? It's me, bruh.
(ROLLER DOOR OPENS NOISILY) - You need a new door.
- Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) How are you? - How are we, boys? - Good.
Fuckin' ready for this game, or what? Yo, I've just been having a slap on TruBet.
TruBet are paying 301-1 on a Warrior premiership.
301-1! Hey, aren't they your sponsor? - Yeah, sadly.
- We're not THAT bad.
So to what do I owe the pleasure, cuz? We need a dick.
- A working dick that can piss.
- You in drug trouble? Just can you make us a dick by tomorrow morning? Oh! Fuck that! Impossible.
Cuz, I thought you were THE dick man.
Yeah, I am THE dick man, but Look, this is your dare-to-be-great moment.
When you were a boy, did you ever dream of making that one amazing dick? - Like a perfect dick.
- Bestest dick.
- Fine! I'll make the dick.
- Yeah! Good speech, boys.
Besides, it might help us win the grand final.
Throw 1,000 bucks on us, and with these shitty odds I'll win three hundred grand! You're still stretching the friendship.
- Lucky we're related, huh? - Yeah.
Thanks, cuz.
So who's it for? Uh, we're not saying.
Well, I could sculpt one and get a mould off of that, but that'd take a week.
If you want one by tomorrow, I need a model.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a tiger by the toe.
- Right! Drop trou, brother! - No! No! No way! No! Nah, just we'll sort it we'll sort it out.
- Well, yeah, we'll do it.
- Oh.
I get it.
- What? This is crazy.
- I get it.
I get it.
Nah.
Takes 3-D pictures.
Ha! Never thought I'd see the day.
Well, even I need practice.
No.
Training without being asked.
And you're actually enjoying this again.
Well, don't let me stop you.
- I meant to do that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I could put it anywhere, you know.
Just depends where you want me to put it.
- Anywhere? - Anywhere.
Kick Wally in the head.
- That's a huge kick! - You said anywhere.
Fine.
There.
And what do I get if I kick it? Anything you want.
(SCOFFS) I mean, you're not gonna do it.
- So it doesn't matter anyway.
- Yeah, sure.
(GRUNTS) - Ugh! - Oh, shit! That was a gun kick! - Oh, my (LAUGHS) - Shit! That is I should do this for a living.
Yeah.
I'm just gonna leave you with your balls.
Yeah.
Sure.
Yep.
Mm-hm.
(SIGHS) For fuck's sake, get up, Wally! (DHINAWAN TOUCH THE STARS BY THE MOB PLAYS) (PHONE RINGS) Uh, full credit to the blokes.
Uh, they did well today.
Uh, full credit to the opposition.
Uh, they really pushed us all the way.
"They really pushed us all the way"? It was a hard-fought game.
Yeah, good question, Kenny.
Good question, Kenny.
Good question, Kenny.
Ah, good question, Kenny.
Um Mornin', cuz.
- Here you go.
- Cheers.
- Hey! Binh.
- Doc.
Yo, yo! - MAKI: Binh.
- Anything to eat? - Hey, how do you know Doc? - Oh, just around.
- Binh - Hey, is this pasta still good? - This isn't what I asked for.
- Yes, it is.
Eight inches, elegant of girth, swinging to the left.
I tried it with orange juice before.
Just put the piss in the little plastic tube and then, uh, squeeze the main vein when you wanna drain.
- Binh, that's not the problem.
- Well, what's wrong, then?! - It's black! - And? Does this dick go with this face? - Is that a trick question? - This dick's for him to wear! He needs to win the piss test! Nah, nah, nah.
You said and I quote: "I need a dick".
Not, "I need a white dick for this white dick".
The way you guys were acting, I thought it was for him.
Me?! Fuck, no! Why'd you assume I'd make it white? Have you got something against black dicks? - No, I love black dicks.
- (LAUGHS) Point is, how is he supposed to do a piss test with a black dick? Tell them that your dick changed colour during puberty.
MAKI: Wh what is that? It's for pimples.
I break out when I'm stressed.
Hey, don't forget my clean piss, either.
Hm.
Hey, Scottie, this won't work.
Mate If you get picked to piss, just confess.
This'll work.
Well, Mak might be right.
There's mirrors on all three corners of you.
Like, they're right there, watching everything.
Mirrors? Light and shadows, boys.
I got this.
- What does that even mean? - DOC: Maki! Zane! - Come on! We've gotta go! - Yeah.
Coming! Oh! I thought you said this was clean piss.
- It's still warm! - We have to go.
You could've got me a bigger funnel, mate.
(SIGHS) Just pour it.
- Jesus.
- It's the big day.
We have to go! Just shove it in your bra and let's go.
Oh, God.
- What do you reckon? - Feels kind of good.
This is totally gonna work.
Come on! Let's go! Let's do this.
Let's go! Hurry! Come on.
SPINNER: Okay, guys! Listening up! A bit of attention? Thanks.
Okay, ASADA are here to do some random pre-match urine tests.
All right? As you can imagine, I'm not very happy about this.
In actual fact I think it's bullshit.
But it's out of my hands.
The guys have chosen four names randomly.
When I call your name out, come to the front.
- Meat.
- MEAT: (SNORTS) Fuck that! Duany.
Macca.
And Scottie.
Scottie, mate, they're ready for you.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Scottie, this is Mike.
He'll be your chaperone.
Hey, Mike.
I'm Scottie.
I'll be your pisser.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER) Sorry.
I'm not used to having a bloke watch me take a squirt.
ZANE: (UNDER BREATH) Shut up.
Fuck.
Okay, now, I wanted to do this while everyone was around, but just a couple of announcements Mr Watson, you have been randomly selected for urinalysis.
If an illegal substance is found, you could receive a lifetime ban.
Do you understand? Mm-hm.
Any questions? Um Do you hold it, or do I? The bottle, I mean.
You do.
I don't hold anything.
Okay.
(SIGHS) (CLEARS THROAT NERVOUSLY) I had I had some dramas during puberty.
It's, uh it's all good now, though.
Maki, come here, mate.
- MAN 1: Maki! - MAN 2: Hey, Maki! The President of the club has something he wants to present you with.
Uh, thank you, Spinner.
I played 326 games with the number 18 on my back.
And no one's been allowed to wear than number since.
But now, it's my honour to pass on the number 18 to Warmun's favourite son, Maki Birrawuy.
Wear it with pride, son.
(APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE CONTINUES OUTSIDE) Do we have a problem? Just just a bit gun shy, you know? Glass of water? No, I need to go.
I just I just Could you turn the tap on for me? Like bit of incentive.
You know what I mean? It's I mean Oh! There it goes! There it goes.
(SIGHS) Sorry.
One more announcement, guys.
Zane? Come here, mate.
Come here, mate.
That's, uh Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Have you got another one of those bottles? It's Oh! No, wait.
There we go.
There we go.
It's (CHUCKLES) Oh We good? Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Almost overflowed.
Almost overflowed.
- You can put it away now.
I can put it ? - Yep.
Okay.
Whoop! In you go, buddy.
You're free to go.
Thanks, mate.
Cheers.
This man epitomises the standards this club holds itself to.
Yeah! He's managed to turn his game around.
He stood up for a mate that was copping some shit.
PLAYER: Onya, Zaney! As acknowledgement, the club has added your name, Zane Phillips, to the leadership group.
An unheard of honour for a first-year player.
So congratulations.
Good on you, mate.
- Onya, Zane.
- Well done, Zane.
Well done.
- Well done.
Yeah.
- We're all good? MAN: All right, boys, let's get out there.
- Do not hold back, all right? - How did you go? - Yeah, all good.
- Fake dick work all right? - Yeah.
What? - Come on.
Don't flatter yourself, Scottie.
Your cock wasn't that big yesterday.
Look, Scottie, it doesn't matter, mate.
We need you on the field.
All right? Let's do it.
Come on, boys! Let's do it! Let's do it! (CHEERING) See you out there, boys.
See you out there.
Stay sharp, hey? What do you want? If for some reason you find yourselves in front today, you know what to do.
No.
I'll kick the first goal, you make some money on that.
And I wouldn't bet on us losing either.
Might just get cleaned out.
Let's go, boys! Good luck.
What are you doing? Are you Fucking footballers.
(ALL PUMP EACH OTHER UP) Are you still wearing that, Scottie? Feels amazing.
Found my talisman.
- Talisman? - Yeah, absolutely.
If I play a blinder today, I'm gonna wear it every game.
It's my lucky black dick.
All right, boys, hold up, hold up! Get tight, get tight! All right, first game of the year.
Are we ready? - ALL: Yes! - Are we ready!? - Yes! - All right, let's do this! - Warriors on three! - One, two, three! Warriors! Let's grab it and really fucking go! The brothers are back They pay stacks to see 'em Fuck it up worse than Eso in a wax museum This plastic scene like plasticine You see the mould is old and the facts are being That I rock shows like I had four clones, eight microphones And cuss so much it sound like Morse code 2 Black 2 Strong.